Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

April 27th, 1136.

It was a bright morning and everything was calm. Cardinal Olaus Petrus was busy, as he was trying to find a way to get himself out of Barcelona and into Rome but to no avail. Jacques d'Artois, a Breton nobleman who was travelling for some obscure bussiness, had been seen talking with some well-known mercenaries. Finally, there were rumours about a Judas Maccabeus who, apparently, was on his way to Barcelona to finish some kind of question he had with the right hand of the king, that is, Kurt Steiner.

When, suddenly...

Juda's voice: Our travel was quite peaceful, until we found it.

Murmurandus: Treasure!

Juda's Voice: They said the blue flames marked the sites of long-lost troves of bandit silver and gold. They also said no good ever came of finding it.

Murmurandus: Coachman, stop! Treasure.

Well, what can I say... He was a good king, a good human being who happened to have some dark spots on his reputation -he was, indeed, a womanizer sex-obssesed man, who happened a bit too friendly of wars and of the titles and wifes of his neighbours, but you know, if we come into details.. the Middle Ages and its pace of living, methinks...

Anyway, he was a good chap, so he got beatified, to surprise of his son and of Steiner, of course. Even good old and alte Alfons would have been puzzled by this post mortem honour.


Thus the kingdom passeth to his heir, Jaume, along with his claims and rights... and a charming debt.



Judas's voice: Our travel was quite peaceful, until we found it.

Murmurandus: Treasure!

Juda's Voice: They said the blue flames marked the sites of long-lost troves of bandit silver and gold. They also said no good ever came of finding it.

Murmurandus: Coachman, stop! Treasure.

Thus Catalonia had some peaceful years... til 1145. The king had married, so, it was normal that he had a son -well, his wife, you know. The little prince was baptized Sunifred and was a charming and cute little thing. The king was fatherly proud of his boy... till he knew that his wife had been unloyal to hum a that Sunifred was, thus, a bastard.


Of course, the little bastard, er, boy, was, somehow, of noble birth -at least, half of him-, so Steiner had a bright and a bit black-humor-orientated idea. Why not giving him a title and sending him away -just to forget the incident, you know...- to rule some foreign land? Perhaps would this be the beginning of a royal house? Steiner couldn't avoid a big smile while playing with the idea. So, Sunifred was send to...


Myth pulls up the reins, and the team halt. The clatter of hooves and reins dies. The night is quiet and the blue flame still burns.

Murmurandus (shouting): Look!

Myth: What?

Murmurandus jumps out and runs to the edge of the forest, trying to see between the trees, to locate the source of the light.

Judas: I'll go with him.

Warily, Judas takes an axe, two swords, three longblows and a hundred arrows down from the coach, plus some extra underwear, and goes after Murmurandus, who runs ahead into the forest, excited. Judas carefully follows up, placing each step carefully. He can hear Murmurandus singing:

"Alouette, gentile Alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai.
Je te plumerai la tete, Je te plumerai la tete, Et la tete, et la tete,
OH! Alouette, gentile Alouette "

Judas hears a noise, and signals Murmurandus to hold back. Both men freeze and listen. The blue light flickers on their faces and fades out. Murmurandus is disgusted and disappointed.

Something moves in the undergrowth. Red eyes glow.

So, when peace and calm began to return to the Catalan kingdom, while Steiner was busy trying to find a suitable candidate to replace the still-alive-but-who-knows-for-how-long queen and preparing the plans to conquer, for once and all, Castille, something unexpected happened...

A cloudy day, after a night with had rained cats and dogs -Peti, the unloyal farting doggish pet of Steiner didn't get it, so he was still searching for some cats-, a messenger came, covered with dirt, from France.

A dire dog leaps up at Murmurandus, claws brushing his clothes, enormously furred body heavy as a felled tree. The furry dog looks him closse at Judas eyes, and, suddenly...

He farts.

Murmurandus and Judas run away as fast as they can, vaulting over prominent tree-roots, bumping low branches, shouting as madman. The dog, surprised by their reaction, just walks away.

Both, shouting like madmen: Never get out of the coach ... never get out of the coach!!!!

They get back to the road. Myth looks stern, not wanting to know about the trouble they're in.

Judas's Voice: Words of wisdom. Never get out of the coach, never go into the woods ... unless you're prepared to become the compleat animal, to stay forever in the forests. Like him, Steiner.

Olaus Petrus said:

Why would cardinal Olaus Petrus want to get to Rome and as far from Mr. Steiner as possible? Interesting question to which I await answer eagerly.

Click to expand...

Actually, my lord cardinal wants to get as far as possible from Peti. It seems that our gentle pet tends to search for some pizzas that, according to Peti, are hidden under my lord cardinal's clothes.

A most unfortunate thing, of course. I'm trying to convince Peti that the theory is absolutely nuts, but you know how Peti is...

If you have another version, I'll be glad to read it. But I'm sure that I'm not the cause. I'm too charming...

Olaus Petrus said:

Jacques d'Artois would be mad to you if he knew that you just called him Breton.

Click to expand...

I know, but I couldn't resist...

Olaus Petrus said:

Poor Murmurandus and Judas. I bet that they wetted themselves when they saw good old Peti.

Click to expand...

Well. They did Actually, Peti was impressed by how fast they run.

Murmurandus said:

I don't like that Murmurandus character...

...

Oh, wait... o

Click to expand...

I can kill him, sir, if he upsets you

Murmurandus said:

Slow and painful, please...

Click to expand...

Could it be in another way? Of course not...

Murmurandus said:

*pushes Llywelyn away from his keyboard...*

Click to expand...

Dont worry, Murmurandus. I'll catch him too...

JimboIX said:

Steiner uber alles..

Click to expand...

Indeed...

I was thinking something lustful and dirty, so, let's cut it short and better not to say anything about alles ladies in dem Welt, über them or unter them

Shut up, Kurty.

Thanks Peti.

You're welcome.

He's the wise of the two.

You can bet.

A Bet for everybody: How long do you think that it's going to take me to get freed of Jaume's wife?

JimboIX said:

How long do Steiner-sponsored assasinations usually take..?

Click to expand...

A whisper...

DarkReborn said:

Oh, for Lenin's beard, kill them all, the only that deserves to be in this AAR is me...

Click to expand...

Ok, I'll kill them all.

Beginning with you, of course.

I was going to do it, anyway. :rofl:

April 1145.

A dirty messenger from France is waiting to give some message to the Catalan king. The Catalan king is shouting to Steiner. Steiner, to Cardinal Petrus' surprise, is not guilty this time.


Thus time passeth by... Finally, some weeks later, a corpse was found. It was the French messenger, who died while waiting ('the French Impatient', as Steiner called him). In his cold dead hand Steiner found a message from the King of France. It was quite straight to the point, actually.


While considering this, a second messenger arrived, from Germany this time. This time he had not to wait. This time, the message was harder to read.

Dearrrrrrrrrrrrrrr King of Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrragon, Castille and so on....

We arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre at warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Skorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzenny will be mine.

Tschüss.

Click to expand...

-Holy Cow! -the king shouted in anger-. It's a shame! A disgraceful shame

-Indeed -Steiner replied-. We should have done it first. Dunno how I could have missed the chance...

Actually, historians have agreed that the war didn't began due to a lady -leave that for Troyans and Greeks-, but because the German emperor had suddenly become the liege of the earl of Chalons. Well, this things happen with everything that has something to do with Steiner...


In the coach, late afternoon, Judas goes through the documents he has been given. He examines letters sealed with a red wax 'K', old scrolls gone to parchment, annotated maps, a writ of excommunication. There are pictures of Steiner, woodcuts of gim in a forest of impaled infidels, portraits of a big furry dog...

Judas's Voice: Steiner was one of the Chosen, favoured of God. Some day he decided it was time to conquer the world and turn it into the Catalan culture. In this process, in the wars that followed, in those acres of slaughtered foemen, he found something that changed his mind, that changed his soul. He wrote letters to the Pope Pater -better know by him as Papa Pater-, recommending to the Pope that ceased to wear in white and that he painted his face black, like the Virgin of Montserrat. The Pope, although he was in the bussiness for the fun, wasn't amused, specially after reading the horrified letter of Cardinal Petrus. So, he put some measures at work and sent two cardinals, Draco and Rexus, to try to give him some kind of sound advice, hoping that somewho this would give him some kind of sanity. However, Steiner wasn't in the mood for playing, so he send the two cardinals back to Rome with two letters nailed on their chests, "N" and "O". This guy means bussiness, the Pope thought...

Judas looks out of the coach at the violent sunset. Rainbows dance around the tree-tops.

"Well -Steiner thought-, with a bit of luck, we may have our armies ready before they do, so we manage to conquer Chalons and then go for Germany with out French allies".

However...


The French defeated Chalons before the Catalan armies could get there. Steiner was beginning to get tired of the war...

The first clashes of the war were quite unwarriorlike. The Catalan armies managed to crushe some little German forces that were hurriedly thrown into their path to block the way. Then came the races of Nürburgring, when the Catalan vanguard found the main Imperial army near the mentioned German city. Thus, the commander of the vanguard, Ermengol of Empuries, who wasn't born neither a fool nor a hero, raced back to the main body of the Catalan army with the Imperial host following him closely. When the vanguard and the main Catalan body joined hands, the Imperial forces felt a sudden urge to run away. Of course, the Catalan army felt the sudden need of pursue them.

When they closed ranks and got them at Nürburgring, the Catalan Commander, the king himself, found that the Imperial army had been reinforced by the Northern troops. Thus, the Catalan king decided it was time to run a bit a to try to reach the reinforcements that Steiner had sent him from Catalonia. Of course, the Imperial army felt obliged and went after the Catalan running forces. Once the Catalan troops increased its size with their recent arrived forces from the Peninsula, the Imperial Army felt that it was time to walk a bit.

And then...


So, Steiner decided it was time to play a trick.

Up ahead is a clearing. Coaches are gathered. A natural stone amphitheatre has been kitted out with limelights which fizz and flare. Endless crowds of men take seats. Judas is confused, but the others are excited. Even Cardinal Petrus is excited.

RGB (with a glass of beer in each hand): A musical evening. Here, so far from Piccadilly ...

The coach slows and stops. Murmurandus and Myth join the crowds. Judas sighs. Peti farts. Warily, Judas follows. He sits with Murmurandus and Myth. They pass a hip-flask between them and Judas takes a cautious pull, stings his throat.

Into the amphitheatre trundles a magnificent carriage, pulled by a single, black stallion. The beast is twelve hands high. The carriage is black as the night, with an embossed gold and scarlet crest on the door. A red-eyed dragon entwines around a letter 'K'. The driver is a tall man, draped entirely in black, only his red eyes showing. There is mild applause.

The driver leaps down from his seat, crouches like a big cat and stands taller than ever. His cloak swells with the night breeze. Loud music comes from a small orchestra.

'Satisfaction', by The Rolling Stones.

The driver opens the carriage door. Dark Reborn looks for his lost brain cell and found a slice of pizza. Peti knocks him out and swallows the pizza. Them, everybody, even Mick Jagger, sunks into a deep silence.

A slim white limb, clad only in a transparent veil, snakes around the door. Tiny bells tinkle on a delicate ankle. The toe-nails are scarlet and curl like claws.

The audience whoops appreciation. CrackdToothGrin burbles babyish delight. Judas is wary.

As the two main armies look at each other without moving a muscle, Steiner decided to rise the bets and sends a force to finish the German holdings in Africa, to punish the unwelcomed new enemies. By July 18th they show their regret.


Steiner, who is not vengeful at all -at least the legends tells so...- makes peace with Gelre -gold conquers all, you know- and follows the war to the rest. A happy September 15th, Mathilde surrenders Tell Atlas to Catalonia -"ok", Steiner thinks, "we have a bigger beach, now.."- followed, on October 1st, by Irmgard von Orania. "Ok... more beach for us".

Suddenly, a big and unexpected success takes place. Provence is conqueared without any kind of (conscious) effort. Thus, the German ruler looses a slice of his Empire.


Steiner is pleased. Then a messenger cames from Suabia...

Murmurandus said:

OOooh, I just love Dr. Gregory House...

Click to expand...

Me too.

Olaus Petrus said:

War against the Empire has gone surprisingly well. With such incompetent high command as Steiner, I was expecting that Germans would Blitzkrieg through the Iberia.

Click to expand...

Me too. I thought that the Germans would smash France and then bit the hell out of me, but...

Some facts:

a) Many German princes are just watching from behind the fence. Dunno why.
b) Many German princes who joined his kaiser are attacking me in an individiual, uncoordinated and isolated way. Fine for me.
c) The main Imperial Army plays chicken with me, running up and down. Fine for me, too.

As you would see, things change a lot when I try to move and place me to kill the game.

Sigh...

By the way, Cardinal. Do you like your new look?

JimboIX said:

Steiner is gthe transcendent master of geography.

Click to expand...

No. Just an outstanding strategic mind, an endless capacity of keeping an eye on the map and... a wonderful bit of luck

DarkReborn said:

Why I always have a pathetic death?

Oh yes, it must be because I had a pathetic live...


:rofl:

Click to expand...

Thou art not dead. Just unconscious. Peti didn't kill thee, he has just beaten thee.



Finally.

I need a brain for my king. Really. I mean it.

April 1145.

A dirty messenger from Schwaben is waiting to give some message to the Catalan king, who, as usual, is shouting to Steiner, who, in his turn, is shouting to Cardinal Petrus, who is not even there, but...


Again, thus time passeth by in the Catalan kingdom, while war kept on raging and the Schwabian messenger kept waiting. Meanwhile, after a brief siege, on 20th December, Albrecht, lord of Beirut, surrendered. Although Steiner promised him that he would keep his lands, our dear but somehow perverse Steiner changed his mind again, and deprived Albrecht of everything but for his underwear, and send him with a message to the German Emperor.

It simply said: "Surrender or die. PS: Send us Ohpelia or you'll catch hell". The Emperor answer back "Better Die. PS: Send us your hell".

"Fine -Steiner thought-. I'm glad you asked for it..." To make a bit of a celebration, on 26th December, Perpinyà, duke of Palestine y Galilee, count of Acre and Jerusalem, is made count of Beirut and of the Lebanon. Perhaps our dear Steiner is dreaming of a kingdom there...

Thus, the armies begin another silly dance. Steiner finally laids siege to the main fortress of the Kaiser, but the resistance found there is too hard to be beaten and some armies kept interrupting the works. As casualties being to grow up to much, Steiner begins to consider if he should ask for some kind of peace, as the treasury is yearning for some peace.


The foot touches the carpet of pine needles and a woman swings out of the carriage, shroud-like dress fluttering around her slender form. She has a cloud of black hair and eyes that glow like hot coals. Her looks crosses the night like a wildfire. She hisses, tasting the cold air and presses her snake-supple body to the air, as if sucking in the essences of all the men present.

Judas: Where is the toillete...

Cardinal Petrus: Ouch, that's not Picadilly... see ya, lads... oh, a lady...

CrackdToothGrin: But what a lady... The bloofer lady ...

The other carriage door is kicked open and the first woman's twin leaps out. She is less languid, more sinuous, more animal-like. She claws and rends the ground and climbs up the carriage wheel like a lizard, long red tongue darting. Her hair is wild, a tangle of twigs and leaves mixed with her dark hair. The audience, on their feet, applaud and whistle vigorously. Some of the men rip away their ties and burst their collar-studs, exposing their throats. Judas is bitting his lips, while Dark Reborn hits his head against a rock and shouts like a wildman. At his side, JimboIX reads a map of Andorra.

First Woman: Kisses, sister, kisses for us all ...

The hood of the carriage opens, folding back like an oyster to disclose a third woman, as fair as they are dark, as voluptuous as they are slender, as dangerous as her sisters. She is sprawled in abandon on a plush mountain of red cushions. She writhes, crawling through pillows, her scent stinging the nostrils of the rapt audience. The men in black clothes smiles. At his side, a dog eats a pizza with no hurry at all.

Loud music comes from an invisible orchestra.

Some day, finally, Steiner finds the Schwabian messenger: his duke surrenders with no conditions, giving up his title. Steiner smiles. His shadow is slowly growing in Germany. A few days later, the German Empire offers an unexpected white peace, that is accepted at once. The treasurer smiles happy.


Thus peace came. The following years were quite peaceful, and the calm was just interrupted by the quarrels among Steiner and Cardinal Petrus, while the king kept searching for Ophelia Skorzeny who, in her turn, kept avoiding the king. It was a boring period, so boring that the historians didn't find anything worth to be recorded -1-.

So, bussiness went as usual. Steiner kept his program of christianization of the muslim peolpe still living in the Catalanic Peninsula and kept spreading the true civilization (the Catalan one, that is) among the uncivilized heretics who still refused the true culture, that is, he kept "Catalanizing" those Castillian, Leonese, Portugese and Muslim unhabitants of his kingdom -in the Peninsula, Africa and in Africa- while trying to do the same in the new conquered German lands. And, of course, he kept filling the treasury.

Meanwhile, the charming and young princess Mafalda kept growing up and asking many kind of questions -why are we at war with our Christian fellows if the real enemy are the ugly Muslims? Why killing our enemies if I can turn them into salves? How can I be of better service to God? What is that thing that men have between the legs?-. The reader shouldn't be surprised if this humble storyteller adds that young Mafalda got stressed just being 11 years old... Steiner, of course, was considering marrying her to some distant nobleman of Norway or even further away, but "Questioning" Mafalda's fame got there first, so no one accepted the "charming" wedding proposal...

The driver stands to one side as the three women dance. Some of the men are shirtless now, clawing at their own necks until the blood trickles. Petrus is shouting while beating poor Murmurandus, who doesn't know what is happening. Dark Reborn searchs for a beer and finds Doctor House, who bides him good ning and then knocks him out. Before loosing his conscience -well, if he ever had one-, Dark Reborn things the he's quite far away from Zaragoza. The big dog who eats pizza farts.

The women are contorted with expectant pleasure, licking their ruby lips, fangs already moist, shrouds in casual disarray, exposing lovely limbs, swan-white pale skin, languid and lusty looks in their mysterious eyes. Men crawl at their feet, piling atop each other, reaching out just to touch the ankles of these women, these monstrous, desirable creatures made for joy. Murmurandus is out of his seat and of his mind, hypnotised, pulled towards the ladies, eyes mad. Judas tries to hold him back, but is wrenched forward in his wake, dragged like an anchor.

Murmurandus steps over his fallen fellows, but trips and goes down under them. Judas scrambles to his feet and finds himself among the women. Six hands entwine around his face. Lips brush his cheek, razor-edged teeth drawing scarlet lines on his face and neck. He tries to resist but is bedazzled. Llywelyn is trying to recover his sangfroid while slapping JimboIX's face, who is so enchanted by the ladies that doesn't perceive the blood running down his face. Myth's eyes are prone to go out of his head, while his tongue hangs two feet down his open mounth.

Suddenly, the black figure and his dog vanish into the thin air.. A million points of light shine in the women's eyes, on their teeth, on their earrings, necklaces, nose-stones, bracelets, veils, navel-jewels, lacquered nails. The lights close around Judas. Teeth touch his throat. A strong hand, sparsely bristled, reaches out and hauls Judas away from the bloody women, who, hissing, return to the carriage, landing face-down and apparently drowning in cushions, bare legs kicking. Only the blonde remains, caressing Judas, eight inches of tongue scraping the underside of his chin. Fire burns in her eyes as the driver pulls her away.

Then the strong hand dressed in iron beats her. She scrambles away from Judas, who lies sprawled on the ground. The women are back in the carriage, which does a circuit of the amphitheatre and slips into the forests. There is a massed howl of frustration, and the audience falls upon each other. Judas, slowly recovering, sits up and sees his saviour. It's Cardinal Petrus, dressed in iron, as monk-warrior of past wars. Myth is there. He hauls Judas out of the melée and back to the coach. Everyvody is dejected, gloomy.

Judas's Voice: A vampire's idea of a half-holiday is a third share in a juicy peasant baby. It has no other needs, no other desires, no other yearnings. It is mere appetite, unencumbered by morality, philosophy, religion, convention, emotion. There's a dangerous strength in that. A strength we can hardly hope to equal.

Then an unexpected surprise came to Barcelona. May, 25th, 1154.

Ponç Abbas, count of Cairo, a trusted and catholic Catalan nobleman, has just been made count of Sarqiya. The celebration is still raging when surprising news interrupt the happines of the court. Guillame, king of Jerusalem, declares war to the Catalan kingdom. The message just says:

"Ophelia will be mine".

Steiner scratches his head and Peti wonders if the human race is in its senses, while the Catalan armies in Palestine gather and lay siege to Jerusalem. The army of Guillaume is simply not there, so the war is awfully -and thankfully- short. Thus a peace offer -well, in a poetic way- is sent to Guillame. If he gives his his title of King of Jerusalem, we will give him the title of "Guillaume the Crazy". And he says...

"Yes, but Ophelia loves me".

Ok... ok...

So, to make the celebration bigger, our loyal Palestinian lord receives another honour.


Meanwhile. Mafalda kepts asking and Stenier plans another "game" a là "Kamal The African", y makes the loyal Alfons d'Empuries the new duke of Constantina... Does the reader what comes next?

Sure...


Of course, mates.. Steiner didn't wait a bit, even for taking a breath. As fast as hell the creation of the Spanish Marche grows a bit. If some kingdom had the title of Prince of Asturias for its heir -ouch... sorry, that kingdom has not an heir now... ouch, sorry, they don't even have a kingdom - and some other realm as its prince of Wales, Catalonia will have its duque of the Spanish Marche.

So...


Step 1.


Step 2. Just a bit more and... Time for Urgell...

-1- That is, I forgot to take some screenies... o

Murmurandus said:

I surely don't know what's happening...

Click to expand...

Summing up:

- The war with Germany is over and we have won a landing point from where to start conquering the Empire from within.

-Then the King of Jerusalem DoW on me (why? Search me) and I finished him quite quickly.

-Meanwhile my dear Mafalda grew up and I began to prepare a suitable array of lands for my future duke of the Spanish Marche that, from now on, would be the equivalent to being Prince of Wales but in Catalonia, so it would be bestowed to the heir. Why the duke of the Spanish Marche? Good question. The answer, quite simple: No idea. Perhaps because there is no Spain but only Catalonia?

Finally, the play-within-the-AAR... Some cute ladies attempted to kill poor Judas by instigation of some dark character but Cardinal Petrus didn't allow them to do so. As our good Cardinal is in good terms with a charming character of this AAR, there is nothing else to add, methinks...

Olaus Petrus said:

Here we see that daughters of Lilith can't defeat servant of the One True God.

Click to expand...

That's a possibilty. There is also the other side of the story: that Cardinal Petrus is unmovable by lassies because he prefers lads

I think I choose your explanation. It suits better for my future plans...