Zoroafrica or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace My Bad Ideas [1.21]

[firezatswill9]

Hello everyone, and welcome to my first ever AAR. This is going to be a learning experience for me, and hopefully an entertaining one for you! Critique and such is welcome, so long as it's constructive!

The main goals of this campaign are as follows:

1. Get the "From Humble Beginnings" and "Rekindle the Fire" achievements.
2. Make Zoroastrianism the dominate religion in the world.
3. Eliminate all forms of Islam and Hindu. Maybe Christianity if I'm particularly lucky with the New World.
4. I dunno, WC if things go well for me? Gotta start that cosmic renovation somehow!

Now, without further ado, let's get down to the brass tacks!

Zoroastrianism had long since been pushed out of the limelight, and been replaced by the various sects of Islam, Hinduism, and Christianity. In the year 1444, there was only one known stronghold left in Yazd, and was doomed to fall into obscurity thanks to the massive influx of Sunni inquisitors hunting them down to the last man, woman, and child.

HOWEVER! While Yazd was the last KNOWN stronghold of Zoroastrianism, it was not the ONLY stronghold.

Everyone, feast your eyes upon... ZOROAFRICA, the Final Bastion of the Holy Flame™!

These Zoroastrians are downright kooky! Wearing heavy fur parkas in the sweltering African heat! With National Ideas that will do absolutely nothing to help them in their goal of assisting Aruha Mazda defeat the evil that is Angra Mainyu, they're going to have their work cut out for them!

It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how nice your hat is, or how much magic you can use. Even the man with the best hat in the world and the most magical potential can have really, REALLY bad ideas!

(Note: I actually forgot that western tech gives you tech 3, it's been a long time since I played in Europe. I thought I would be on tech 2 like the rest of the nations around lake Victoria. I decided to keep playing, though, since I like being able to peek in on Europe every now and then.)

I've just played the first 30 years of the campaign, so expect the first chapter in a couple of hours, it's getting late here.

CHAPTERS

Chapter 1: Welcome, to Zoroafrica
Chapter 2: Meeting the Neighbors
Chapter 3: Wiped Out
Chapter 4: The Golden Hoard(er)
Chapter 5: The 9 Year Bore
Chapter 6: Unexpected Visitors
Chapter 6.5: The Loan Ranger Hangs Up His Hat
Chapter 7: North by Northeast
Chapter 8: A Calculated Loss
Chapter 9: Inquisition, Irony, and Irritation
Chapter 10: (Mali's the) Rebel in Disguise
Chapter 11: Kham the Builder
Chapter 12: Bankruptcy 2: The Bankruptening
Chapter 13: Morocco is Absolutely Flawless
Chapter 14: The Trader in Our Midst
Chapter 15: Persia, the Homewrecker
Chapter 16: Fire Comes First
Wrap up: Final Overlook

 

[Tom D.]

This seems very interesting, the pics are too small though so even while zooming in it's very blurry, could you post them in full size? It's definitely an original setting which I like, consider me subbed.

 

[atwix]

i have been looking to do this zoroastrian achievement also.

consider me subbed.

better upload screenshots to imgur, or upload them here in full size.

can't post an aar with images that tiny

 

[stnylan]

Nice idea

 

[atwix]

zorro africa

in black versus white!

 

[firezatswill9]

I do apologize about the absolutely tiny screenshots I had put up last night. I've remedied the issue, don't know why it did that in the first place.

Anyways, expect the first chapter out pretty soon.

 

[Tom D.]

Holy cow, those ideas are 95% worthless, not even some missionary strength bonus ? It seems you're going to have a tough run, but that'll make it even more interesting.

 

[firezatswill9]

Chapter One: Welcome, to Zoroafrica!

Ah, yes, Zoroafrica, where the men wear fur coats, and the points don't matter!

Zoroafrica is known for their steep mountains and their rich copper mines that are the envy of even the most advanced mines in Sweden!

But what good is a homeland with no one to keep out those pesky heathens?

A look at the fine defenders of Zoroafrica and the entirety of the free Zoroastrian population! Their thick fur coats guarantee that anything that hits them won't ACTUALLY hit them, a staple of Zoroafrican ingenuity!

Unfortunately, as the sole Zoroastrian in the midst of countless Fetishists, no one is willing to be friends with us. So we have to strike out on our own.

We start out with the typical moves, getting points from the estates and setting rivals. Of which, we only have one, who happens to be our neighbor, Busoga, and we just so happened to get a mission to wipe them from the face of the map. But of course, who are we to deny the missions given to us by Ahura Mazda?

But, before we get the war rolling, first we ask our nobles for a general to lead our armies to glory.

Truly, this is a man ahead of his time! He spoke greatly about his prowess with firing bows made of metal, that fired small metal acorns instead of arrows, and how his ability to shoot metal coconuts from large copper trees was unrivaled. I think I know why our nobles gave him to us...

At least he knows how to take down a fort, that's good enough for us.

Without further ado, we declare war on the 12th of December, with extra units being built as reinforcements.

Busoga thought they were too cool for allies, meaning that this is a fairly straightforward war. Kill the army and take the capital.

KILL THEM ALL!

(Note: this is where I realized I was on tech 3, to their tech 2. When I did the Victorian 3 achievement, the battle with my first foe was a lot closer, and I even had a better general than I do now. But, something swayed me to keep going with this run...)

MEANWHILE, IN EUROPE...

While our brave men in coats took to our enemy's homeland, a swallow flew by, and dropped off a letter. It was a European swallow, something we have not seen in a long, LONG time. It seems that the Eastern Roman Empire have absconded with the Serbian throne

Oh well, back to the task at hand.

We have had Busoga fully occupied for a few months now, but haven't peaced them out yet. Instead, we chose to raise our stability to +2.

Why do that, I'm sure many of you are wondering. Well, if we wait for a few months, until July, you'll see why we did that.

Ladies, gentlemen, and dolphins of all ages, gaze upon the ONLY decision in all of Zoroastrianism that gives a bonus to missionary strength. Look at all it's splendor! +2%, surely there aren't any other religions that are given such a powerful bonus

With that decision taken, it is now time to end the war with our enemy, Busoga.

In the end, we full annex them, and take their lunch money as well. But, some of our top men think that our policies towards expansion have been less than ideal. "It's so easy to take over some silly fetishist clay when they've no allies! They don't even have hats with corners, you ninny!" is all they say in the court. To quell them, we start fabrication on our new neighbor, Buganda. Unlike Busoga, Bunyoro actually have an ally, and they are willing to help them in a fight.

Not only do we let them call in their ally, we make them a co-belligerent, so they can call in THEIR ally, Karagwe. The need for rapid expansion is why I affectionately call this the "African Thunderdome". You live or you die, there is no in-between.

Now, I did forget to take pictures of the initial battles here, I did bite off a bit of a large chunk to chew on. Basically, I defeated, but did not wipe, the Bugandan army, and the Karagwe and Rwandan armies took the scenic rout to my land. But that's fine, I used the time to occupy their lands as well, and start work on their capital.

And then, a strange man from lands unknown came to us in our time of need.

Without wasting a moment, he was hired. When asked about his specialties, he handed us a sheet with holes punched out of it, and our Sheik gaped in awe.

I rarely get that event to begin with, and when I do, it gives me a 3 shock, 4 siege general?! I think the game knew that I was going to do my first AAR and decided that I needed to join the ranks of insanely lucky people

What followed was a bag of mixed fortune. Just as Hotaki had taken Karagwe's capital, our own capital fell as well. Looking to liberate their lands, the Karagwe led a desperate assault against Hotaki.

GO FOR THE EYES, MEN!

With the Karagwe dealt with, our armies leave a token force in Rwanda, while the main force goes to unseige Kuria, our capital. But, we are then greeted with an unexpected message from our neighbors.

Nkore had snuck in and annexed Buganda right from under us! Those dastards, taking rightful Zoroafrican clay! We'll get them through their sense of honor, by forcing them to defend their ally, Bunyoro! That way, we don't end up having to fight their ally Buha, who we wish to fight later on.

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, let me know your thoughts. I'll do my best to get more pictures of battles and such, I'm still getting used to screenshotting everything I do!

 

[Tom D.]

Their thick fur coats guarantee that anything that hits them won't ACTUALLY hit them, a staple of Zoroafrican ingenuity!

And it must be absolutely terribly hot to wear them too in the middle of Africa! But that probably makes them even hardier warriors.

When asked about his specialties, he handed us a sheet with holes punched out of it, and our Sheik gaped in awe.

He definitely wasn't the only one who gasped when he saw that, you really got lucky there. A sign of the gods maybe ? I definitely like it already, especially the humour in it. Keep going as you're doing I would say .

 

[scrubbykoala]

I love the funny writing style!

Ladies, gentlemen, and dolphins of all ages, gaze upon the ONLY decision

I chuckled.

 

[stnylan]

I smiled all the through that update.

And yes, that first general does seem better suited for later times.

 

[firezatswill9]

I'm glad you guys liked my first chapter! I'm going to be away from my desktop, where my screenshots are saved, until Saturday night, so expect the next update in a day or two. Next time, I'll be covering 20ish years of gameplay, so you'll be up to where I ended my game the other night.

 

[Director]

A promising, yet perilous start. Do give us an update soon, won't you?

 

[atwix]

Their thick fur coats guarantee that anything that hits them won't ACTUALLY hit them, a staple of Zoroafrican ingenuity!

it also protects against FIRE burns!

And then, a strange man from lands unknown came to us in our time of need.

hello expert my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains...

BURN THEM ALL!

Spoiler

song text is from simon and garfunkel sound of silence song

 

[parats]

Cool setup, subbed!

 

[firezatswill9]

Chapter Two: Meeting the Neighbors

We left off last time looking over the war declaration screen. It looked something like this.

Now, I promise that I will take more pictures of the battles from now on, I only got the results from the first two engagements.

Bunyoro was beaten back, and is running for the hills to lick their wounds. So we turned our attention to Nkore, who had oddly decided to sit pretty and wait their turn for battle. AI gonna AI

Another rousing victory, and we're heading out to deliver the crushing blow.

Take that, you thieving Nkorians! This is MY LAND. MINE!

Even the natives hate that rightful Zoroafrican land was stolen from under their nose, and the Bunyoro army is WIPED by NATIVES. How embarrassing...

Now it's just a matter of sieging things up. Which meant a bit of speed 5 action while we wait!

Nkore is full annexed, and their piggy bank is stol- er, LIBERATED by the Zoroafricans. And there was much rejoicing!

Then Karagwe, from the war with Rwanda, was full annexed, and they made a donation of 49 ducats to the Zoroafrican First Foundation. And there was much rejoicing!

But with all that land being taken by it's rightful owner, our new neighbors got a little bit peeved. Apparently, they were planning on having a dinner social with the former owners of our newly-saved land! And they were mad at US for making them waste perfectly good coleslaw! So we invited both Burundi and Buha to our own brouhaha!

And what better way to start things out than by barging in, with just a day's notice? Surprising your neighbors is a surefire way to keep them from pestering you when you don't want them around

SURPRISE!!

Once again, I didn't take pictures of the battles with Buha, but basically, in two battles, I wiped their army, and finished off the Burundian army as well, and proceeded to siege them up. If I hadn't have played the first 20 years in one session, I would have known I needed to take more pictures! Oh well, there's still plenty of time to go.

Upon looking at the map, I notice something that I had been ignoring until recently, and it somewhat surprised me.

Silly me, I forgot that I'm a heretic to these silly, backwards fetishists! So the AE is climbing faster than anticipated! I actually noticed this when Luba and Kazembe joined a coalition against me, even though there were only 3 eligible members at the time it was formed. I was at war with everyone else that could have joined (hence my sudden declaration on Buha and Burundi) in an effort to prevent that. But oh well, it worked out in the end. I exited the game for dinner, and when I got back in, the coalition dissolved. Paradox logic for ya, right there

Anyways, we full annex Rwanda, and take their allowance from them. They don't need it anymore!

When it comes to Bunyoro, however, we take war reps. and their money from the tooth fairy, and then throw a pie in their face and call them ugly. They feel so bad about that, they decide that they don't want to talk with us for 15 years! That'll give us time to let AE die down a bit. We also peace out Burundi for all the money from their paper route, for a 9 year truce. We use the money to pay off our loans, as well as fund our army, which is mostly mercs at this point. Note the manpower, or lack thereof.

Liberating all this heathen land has turned our minister into an expert in maintaining stability throughout the land, bumping us to +3. His secret for keeping rebellions quelled while multiple wars are ongoing? He throws swords at them, and they go away for a while!

But then the rebels showed up one day, armed to the teeth with swords! WHO THE HELL GAVE THEM SWORDS?!

But, rebel swords are no match for Zoroafrican spears! We beat them down with extreme prejudice!

We used the extra admin points to reach tech 5, and our first idea group was religious. Without that, it would be a living HELL to try and convert anything other than pagans.

We also reduced Buha to being an OPM. Full annexation was contemplated, but the resulting AE would have put us at odds with the nations on the east coast. And Zoroafrica doesn't want to become a sandwich between two slices of coalition bread.

And how do you avoid things like that? Most people call for friends.

And now that we're big and powerful and have an Xbox with GTA3 on it, Kalundwe decide that we're cool enough for them to hang out with us. Huzzah!

Also, gotta love Lux Stella, making Johan a staple name of any and ALL cultures

Four years later, we finish off Buha, using the time in between to make our somewhat distant neighbors hate us slightly less than before. And while we wait for the truces around us to end, Zoroafrica looks across the way and spies a golden opportunity.

Luba is friendless, and has been reduced to being an OPM. And we JUST so happened to have made a claim from across the lake.

That's a nice Luba you got there, it'd be a shame if something were to happen to it, capiche?

After a nice introduction of Zoroafrican baseball bats to Luban kneecaps, they decided they wanted to be our vassal, and we happily obliged their request.

And to keep them happy, we eat the tech malus from not having the renaissance for dip tech 4. The rest of our dip points are going to building up some of our lands to spawn the renaissance. Not exactly perfect, but better than waiting to get to Europe to get it. At least we get a nice province out of it.

Now that Luba has seen the light, we declare war on Kikondja. They call their allies in, but since everyone between them and us hates their guts, they don't do a thing to help in this war. Just the way I like it

We also hit mil tech 6, putting us at a CLEAR advantage over these uncultured heathens that surround us. So much so, that we are also using mil points to grow the renaissance.

While we wait for Kikondja's war exhaustion to reach its peak, we start cleaning up around the lake. Bunyoro is DOW'd and occupied so fast, that screenshots actually COULDN'T exist. Speed 5 + insta-wipe = too fast for photos.

The same fate also befalls Burundi. We siege them up at the same time as Bunyoro. Unfortunately, our super-sieger was called back to the heavens, to siege the fortresses of Angra Mainyu, so the forts take a bit longer to fall. At least Hotaki is still fighting the good fight in the next cycle!

Just over a year later, Burundi is annexed, and they donate their gold directly into the coffers of Zoroafrica. Bye Burundi, you were a country once!

The same fate befalls Bunyoro, we take their money and their clay. We are now the sole power around Lake Victoria! FEAR ZOROAFRICA!

We also full annex Kikondja. They were a rather irrelevant nation to begin with, so no one really cares that they're gone now.

This is where I leave you for now. From an OPM, to a, I dunno, 15-PM?

And Zoroastrianism is spreading like wildfire! And that fire is pretty dangerously near to the Kongo basin... But that's fine, it's not like fire spreads or anything, right?

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!

 

[atwix]

Also, gotta love Lux Stella, making Johan a staple name of any and ALL cultures

that is a really bad stat heir for a lux stella event

i think that event guaranteed 6 in one monarch stat, but usually you see really good heirs as choices..

I'm sure Johan will be on fire in the next decades..

 

[Tom D.]

Also, gotta love Lux Stella, making Johan a staple name of any and ALL cultures

Johan doesn't seem capable of much though, except for diplomacy . First time I see an AI get the event, and it's not even in my own game! A very interesting chapter, when Paradox just released the patch which added all these nations in Africa I started as Buganda and had a lot of fun in the beginning. But once I conquered all Victorian Lake nations, I was locked with nothing to do... Than it became boring very quickly. Well, you show it's possible to have fun !

 

[stnylan]

A very busy few years - no time to rest!

 

[firezatswill9]

Chapter 3: Wiped Out

With a new set of neighbors to introduce ourselves to, we fabricated a claim on Chokwe, then gave our conquered land to Luba. We need to get going with our Religious ideas, that +3% strength is crucial.

But first, let's see how Blurple is doing with their union over Serbia!

Oh. I guess the phoenix burst into flames, and the Ottomans picked up the pieces. Sorry, Byzantophiles!

They even declared their victory through a Golden Age! Seems a bit excessive, but hey, I guess I'd be celebrating too, if I killed a dying empire. That takes REAL SKILL!

Anyways, we declare on Chokwe, which brings in Kasanje, and more importantly, Kazembe. Kazembe is allied with Kalundwe, so we couldn't attack them without dragging our only friend into war with us. So this is a nice roundabout way of doing so.

Kazembe had their troops flee into Rukwa upon being called in, and the Zoroafricans followed in hot pursuit. Kazembe lost to the natives, and started running back to "civilized" lands. I know african natives are tougher than most, but a 4 stack kicked the butt of Kazembe's 7 stack

You can run, Kazembe, but you CANNOT HIDE!

FINISH THE JOB!

DUSTED

Next on the chopping block!

OB-LIT-ER-AT-ED.

NO CONTEST

The Thunderdome is ringing with the sounds of stackwipes and sieges, the sweetest sound ever!

As we look to peace out our enemies, we take our first splendor ability: 10% AE will keep many of these nations from considering us as a big threat. Which means no coalition wars. Not that a coalition would be hard to win at this rate, but it'd be more annoying than anything else.

We full annex Kazembe and Chokwe, and take Kasanje's lunch money, which makes many of our people want to rush to the ranks! I guess schoolyard bullies want to punch the lunch money out of nations as well!

We fabricated a claim on Lunda ahead of time, then gave our newly conquered lands to Luba, for safe keeping.

We prepare for war against Lunda, and we call in Kalundwe to help us. Well, more to make sure they don't start a separate war and take the land we're targeting.

Lunda is paralyzed with fear, all because they saw the Zoroafrican army marching towards them!

This is the reason why we win so handily. Most, if not all, of our enemies have been on mil tech 3-4, while we're rocking mil tech 6. I'd say it's like shooting fish in a barrel, but cannon tech is unlocked at mil tech 7

DECIMATED

Our general, having honed his skills and sewn many a badge into his fur coat, has decided that the heat of Africa isn't all that bad anymore, and that he needs to layer up when out on expeditions into enemy lands. And magically, 20% of his men die less each month! Which is a godsend in the hellhole that is the African jungle.

KNOCK KNOCK! It's your friendly neighborhood Zoroafricans!

I like how the capital's crown looks like it's sitting atop the Kongolese soldiers head.

Wait, what's this?

This... it wasn't a wipe? Does such a thing even exist?!

We need to rectify this!

Hunted down

And slaughtered

Good news everyone! We've just unlocked the first of our national ideas! Goodie!

Now, since I didn't really talk about them at all in the setup post, let me explain exactly WHY these ideas are BAD ideas.

Traditions & Ambitions:
-5% transport cost: transports cost next to nothing to build, so saving a ducat per ship isn't groundbreaking. There used to be much WORSE ideas, like transport upkeep cost reduction, but that got taken out a while ago.

+10% Imperial Authority: We're Zoroastrian, not Christian. No HREmperorship for us. Ever.

May Recruit Female Generals: Aside from possibly getting rid of an utter trash queen/female heir, this is useless since male and female generals are functionally the exact same.

Ideas:

Fort defense +5%: Forts are a total waste of income in SP. For every fort you have, you could have anywhere from 2-6 more units fielded. The AT they give is negligible, since you need a LOT of forts to keep it at a permanent +20, and conquest is a better way for keeping it up.

+.50 yearly devotion: We are a monarchy, not a theocracy.

+.50 yearly horde unity: We are a monarchy, not a horde.

-5% Galley cost: Galleys are a complete and total waste of a ship slot. Lights and heavies are better for fighting than galleys, and are more cost-effective too. So I will NEVER be building galleys, unless it's to be a suicide ship for strait blocking.

+1 Tolerance of heretics: Zoroastrian is alone in its religious group, there are NO heresies.

Fort maintenance -5%: No forts = no cost reductions.

Galley combat ability +5: No galleys = no combat improvements.

We peaced out Kongo for their lunch money and made them give back Kasanje's clay, giving us a truce for about a decade. We then full annex Lunda, and leave Yaka as an OPM for later consumption.

Zoroafrica is becoming quite popular these days! Everyone keeps talking about us!

We gave most of the land we conquered to Luba, leaving only two provinces to fabricate claims on Kuba, Yaka, and Kasanje. Zoroafrica is a kind overlord, letting their vassal get big and kinda strong.

Meanwhile, in Europe...

The Blurple Phoenix has risen!

And our Sheikh had died, leaving us with his superior son to take the throne. And his less than stellar son to be the heir... Say, Shaqur, do you like hunting, perchance?

Well, at least he can fight with competence.

Our truce is up with Kasanje, so we declare without hesitation. Kasanje literally had no troops, so it was just a matter of walking in and taking the capital.


Meanwhile, in Europe...

Aaaaaand there goes Blurple, dying at the speed of sound. As usual

We full annex Kasanje, and watch that coalition member list shrink. Can't have a coalition if all the members are dead!

After years of service with broken kneecaps, Luba has their integration into Zoroafrica proper begin. They kept a lot of Fetishist land from revolting, and they will be remembered for that. Then promptly forgotten about soon after.

And we now finally have the renaissance! We are now on par with the Europeans, in terms of tech cost!