• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Farquharson

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November 7th 1558

Meeting of the Sich High Council this evening, chaired by yours truly of course, and I think it went rather well even if I do say so myself. We've got a couple of new chaps on board these days. First there's our very own resident philosopher, name of Fedir Hutsalo. Now of course we Cossacks don't usually rate philosophy too highly, but this guy seemed like he might have something to offer. He's a little short in stature and seems to have somehow lost some of his fingers, but he's proved himself as a fearless fighter when he's in a tight spot.



Fedir Hutsalo, philosopher​

Fancies himself as a military advisor as well, and keeps on telling us we're using the wrong type of sabre, or as he puts it "Cossack sabres too heavy they are." His grammar's all over the place too, but we don't bother about that in the sich of course. Anyways we've always done fine with the sabres we've got so we're not about to change just when some philosopher suggests it.

So, the business in hand was of course what to do about the call to arms which we just received. Yes, fatface Zyggy is up to his tricks again. This time he's declared war on Pommerania. I have to say his habit of stomping on small defenceless neighbours seems a trifle unsociable, not too mention somewhat worrying, but meanwhile we had to decide what to do.

First choice was to ride to war once more, and of course we really would be riding this time. Needless to say there were plenty of voices in favour of this - let's face it, winning glory and fame on the battlefield is what being a Cossack is all about. We'd have to get an agreement from Zyggy the Pyggy that he'd let us ride home again too this time of course. Choice number 2 would be to promise to help then do nothing. This has the added attraction of being something of a snub to old Zyggy, and a pointed reminder that we weren't too amused about the way he treated us last time.

The third option is to blow him a great fat raspberry, ditch the alliance then start praying like blazes that Tsar Yuriy will take pity on us and accept an alliance with him. Jakchomka, the other newcomer on the council, and a bloke who knows what he's talking about in my opinion, was all for an alliance with Russia but thought we should stick with Poland for the moment till an opportune moment when the Tsar was temporary without allies and might be more interested.

Hutsalo was for ditching Zyggy straight away, however. When I pointed out the dangers of this he just started on about getting new sabres again and a lot of mumbo-jumbo about "the Force". Well in the end he talked everyone over. I'm still a little skeptical but when I imagine the look on Zyggy's piggy face when he reads our refusal it makes it worth it. So we wrote it all out, and everyone got to add their own favourite insults at the bottom and we sent it off. And now Szamotul has written a song for the occasion:


When you wish upon a Tsar
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a Tsar
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfilment of
Their secret longing

As long as you are Orthodox
(And you're wearing decent socks)
When you wish upon a Tsar
Your dreams come true!



March 19th 1559

Cripes! That wasn't supposed to happen! Just got a reply back from our old pal Yuriy in Moscow - says "Nice of you to offer, but I don't think we need an alliance with you right now thanks." I don't think he quite got the message that's it's us that needs the alliance… What to do? At least the War of Pyggy Aggression against poor Pommerania is still going on, but I'm just wondering for how long, and how long after it ends that Zyggy will take to remember his former vassal and ally and to spot that we're even more defenceless than Prussia or Pommerania…

Unless of course he's only interested in places beginning with 'P', but I think that's a little too much to hope for…


When you wish upon a Tsar
But he can't remember who you are
You tell him "Zaporozhie"
He just says "Who?"


April 25th 1559

Well I decided that this calls for drastic action. So here we are in the Moscow Kremlin - me, Hutsalo, Szamotul and a few of the boys. Well this place sure puts the sich into the shade!


Anyway, the point is Yuriy is a real lad! Yes, OK, it did take him some time to remember who on earth we were, but once he got us placed he seemed very friendly. Hutsalo in particular was a big hit with his majesty…


However the star of the show was definitely Szamotul. To my horror, after dinner with the Tsar last night he launched into his song. I thought at first, "Well, there goes our last chance…", but would you believe it, by the time he'd got to the last line there were tears in young Yuriy's eyes. And this morning he signs the alliance agreement! Well, I must say my mood has lifted a little with that news…

It all means that we should be safe from the predations of Zyggy the Pyggy (who's still going at it with Pommerania I might add), and who knows, we may even be able to stomp on a few defenceless neighbours ourselves. If only we had some… Still, "When you wish upon a Tsar…"
 
Last edited:

canonized

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Wow didn't expect that song to happen haha , very amusing update !
 

unmerged(63576)

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Great update! And keep it coming. There is really nothing more to say than;


When you wish upon a Tsar
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

Psst...Another update...

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a Tsar
As dreamers do

Psst... They request updates...​
 

Grubnessul

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it's only 9.30 and you already made my day, keep up the good work!
 

Lord E

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That really was a wonderful and funny update. I like that new advisor, although his grammar is strange he seems like a clever chap and that song, it was just marvellous. What a great way to start the day reading this superb update :rofl:
 

JaxomCA

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Oh my! I am touched, and honored. Just out of curiosity, did the Tsar accept your offer or did he initiate it?

Long live Zaporozhie! May you spread sichness to all corners of the black sea, and beyond!
 

Farquharson

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canonized: The song is the sort of "product of a sick mind" (mine) that the title really refers to :D .

valzoz_p94: No update tonight I'm afraid, but maybe tomorrow.

Grubnessul: Glad to have made your day!

Lord E: I hired a philospher because I was wondering if low prestige was giving me a bit of a handicap, but then I thought "How on earth can I explain a bunch of Cossacks hiring a philospher?" Hutsalo seemed like he might just about fit. ;) Watch out for more "Tsar Wars" gags...

J.Passepartout: I'm flattered! Well, I would be if it wasn't 90% plagiarized... :eek: :D

JaxomCA: OK, I think I'd better come clean and tell the whole story, for educational purposes. I ditched the Polish alliance and saw that an alliance with Russia was now "Unlikely" rather than "Impossible". Offered, got refused. Waited several months, offered again, refused again. Waited several more months, then Poland declared war. Arrrgh! I fought bravely, but really there was no hope. Game over. So your advice was spot on as far as that outcome went. However, I was kind of annoyed at how I couldn't get an alliance with Russia, so I reloaded before Poland's DoW of Pommerania. Things went exactly the same, except this time I decided to spam Russia with alliance offers as often as I could and see if they might happen to accept before Poland declared war. First offer, "Unlikely", refused. Second offer one month later, "Unlikely", accepted! Which shows at least two things: 1) "Unlikely" doesn't mean "Impossible" and 2) the AI doesn't object to diplomat-spamming, and it can even get results. Of course I could have written up the first outcome and ended the AAR, but I kind of wanted to continue! :eek:o

Oh and btw, having "sichness spreading to every corner of the Black Sea" sounds really revolting. At least Zaporozhie isn't some disgusting yellowish hue in the political map mode... :rolleyes:
 

JaxomCA

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Tsar wars! :rofl:

Well I played many games as Georgia (actually restarted many games until I got it right) and I faced a situation similar to yours. In my case the alliance offer was a "maybe" and failed 4-5 times. The Tsar did eventually offer, less than a month before a very angry white sheep (or was it the black one?) came knocking. The only problem with spamming alliance offers is that you loose 5 relation points on every refusal, and probably some prestige too. It can cost a lot of ducats to recover the lost relations.

Let's just say the first try was a really bad nightmare. Glad you will go on from here. :)

I wonder what that weird looking green guy thinks of the Sich people. ;)
 

binTravkin

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Thinks he they sich be with sich thoughts their.
Convert to the Force they should.
Light side that is..
 

Troelsdc

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Damn this is one hell of an AAR ! You have a good story, humour and In-Game action as well ! Simply wonderful.

Keep the updates comin' ! :D
 

merrick

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<cheers>

<throws peanuts>

<etc etc>

Excellent couple of updates and good to know the Host is still alive and, er, singing. :) Loved the picture BTW.

Now here's hoping that young Yuriy is a better friend than old Zyggy. Promising so far, but he looks the kind of impressionable young idealist who could give in to his dark side at the first real setback. I'd have Hutsalo keep a close eye on him if I were you. OTOH, it's hard to imagine anyone could be worse than Zyggy. I know one should not attribute to malice anything that could be explained by stupidity, but some forms of stupidity are indistinguishable from malicious genius.
 

Farquharson

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Judas Maccabeus: Alas, the Cossacks seem to have been allocated a tasteful shade of lilac in EU3... :p

JaxomCA: I had forgotten about the 5 point hit on relations for a refusal, but still, when you have +195 relations you have a bit of leeway there! However, I do think I was very lucky to get accepted on a second try at "Unlikely"! I'd say the DoW from Poland sooner or later is a foregone conclusion, especially with the AI in EU3 having such a taste for gobbling up defenceless minors, so the alliance with Russia was absolutely crucial.

binTravkin: Having brought "Hutsalo" in on a whim, now I keep seeing more Star Wars possibilities (Tsar Wars, the Empire, Revenge of the Sich...) Oh well, it keeps me off the streets! :D

Duke of Wellington: No I'm sure not even AI Poland could be that stupid... :rolleyes:

Troelsdc: Thanks! I've played another (eventful) ten years, so an update is on the way.

merrick:
some forms of stupidity are indistinguishable from malicious genius
That exactly sums up Poland I think! :D
 

Farquharson

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November 12th 1560

Ah, it warms my heart to see what a faithful ally our young friend Yuriy is! The despicable infidel Turks have turned their greedy eyes on Montenegro and declared war, but Yuriy is not letting them get away with it. So now war has broken out all around us - Russia and Montenegro lined up against the Turks, the Crimeans, the Wallachians and the Ragusans, whoever they are. It almost makes me wish I had accepted that alliance offer from Montenegro myself. But if Yuriy can cut the Crimeans and Turks down to size without the help of the glorious Cossack Host this time, I'm sure the pickings will be all the easier next time…

Meanwhile, Zyggy the Pyggy is poking his fat snout in our direction again, having settled for a white peace (his old favourite, remember?) with Pommerania a couple of months ago. Of course this is a little worrying, since Yuriy may not feel he can spare too many of his apparently infinite armies while he's busy with the Turk, if Zyggy should choose this particular moment to strike.


August 29th 1561

Just had a herald from Crimea arrive at the sich today. Now, there are all sorts of interesting things you can do with heralds from Crimea, but before we got started on those, we did of course have the courtesy to let him deliver his message - so don't let anyone tell you we Cossacks aren't hospitable! The news was encouraging to say the least, and I thought it worth putting in a visual aid to summarize:


Now that's the kind of ally it's nice to have around! Of course, the fact that our esteemed Crimean guest was actually bringing us the news that his country had just been ravaged by their giant neighbour almost made us take pity on the poor soul. Almost, but not quite…


September 1st 1562

Oh, tis a black day indeed for Zaporozhie, nay for the whole world… Ah what a deep wound! The scars will never heal. A gaping void is left in my heart! Yes, I announce it with tears, I tell it with anguish. Our heroic comrade Waclaw z Szamotul is no more! Woe! Woe! Darkness and desolation! The one glimmer of light, the one fragile sliver of consolation, is that his immortal genius lives on. Yes indeed, for we will never forget his works, they will be forever on our hearts, in our minds and on our tongues. Even now I can hear the lads singing softly round the fire, between their sobbing… "When you wish upon a Tsar…"


February 6th 1563

Zyggy the Pyggy and his minions have been busy bees, haven't they? What have they been doing now then, you may well ask? Remember there used to be a hotbed of heretic Protestants in a place called Prussia? Nasty, cold, bleak corner of the Baltic coast. Well, it seems that Prussia does not actually exist any more. I suppose the heretic Protestants still exist, at least the lucky ones, but their country seems to have vanished into thin air. Nothing mysterious about it, really - Wenden and Memel are now part of Lithuania, while Königsberg is part of Pyggyland, er, I mean Poland. The only mysterious thing is why Zyggy wasn't interested in such a carve up five years ago, when he was getting help from the glorious Zaporozhian Host, but I think we all know about that! Well that little War of Aggression kept him busy for a couple of years, so what next, we're all wondering? What other small hated neighbours happen to be hanging around his borders? Just try it Zygmunt, that's all I can say - just try it!


January 1st 1567

Do you ever feel claustrophobic? Well, I don't want to sound like a whinger but the filthy infidel Turks have just annexed Crimea. Which means that we have precisely four neighbours now - Poland, Lithuania, Russia and the Turks. Otherwise known as Huge, Huge, Huge and Huge. Did I ever mention my fond hopes of building a little empire for myself around here? You know, a little province quietly annexed here and there whenever the opportunity presents itself? Oh, I don't mean anything on the scale of Genghis Khan, you know, I'm not the greedy type. Just a bit of modest expansion at the expense of the weak and the stupid. I mean, every despot needs his creature comforts, doesn't he?

SO HOW THE @!*$*&%*!* AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY CREATURE COMFORTS WITH THESE GUYS CROWDING ALL ROUND ME???



June 1st 1568

Oh, isn't that nice? Zyggy the Pyggy has declared war on us…


 
Last edited:

JaxomCA

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Ouch! :eek:

For a moment Crimea smelled like the weak and stupid creature you were looking for. I suppose the Crimean high chief saw that coming and commited suicide. How does it go again? "Better the Sultan's turban than the Cossack's fur hat". Guess you'll have to make your teeth on the strong and stupid.

I see Zaporozhie becoming the ground where empire collides. Let's hope the tsar dude is really fond of that little green man. You better find a new singer soon. :)
 

canonized

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  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Leviathan: Warships
  • March of the Eagles
Haha , Pyggyland II , that's rich ! Good luck with surviving ! Hope it all works out !