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I'm so glad that I'm present for one of your AARs. Your EU2 Scottish AAR actually helped me a bit with my own Scottish AAR.
Great start and what a wonderful way to be diplomatic.
Great start and what a wonderful way to be diplomatic.
Farquharson said:
You are right. These people deserve an AAR. And here's hoping you can help them put their swords where their mouths are, and live up to the billing!
Lofman: Yup, I hope it will be fun!
canonized: This AAR may not be as edifying as the National Geographic, but it should certainly provide an alternative angle...
binTravkin & mlepkows: Thanks, and welcome!
Duke of Wellington: Any time I'm feeling in need of inspiration I think I'll just have to have a look at the painting and think of that letter!
Judas Maccabeus: I always wondered exactly what a "diplomatic insult" looked like in real life. But you're right, I'm sure most of them were much less interesting!
PrawnStar: Ah, that's what I like to see - a lurker coming out into the open! And welcome to this AAR, I hope you enjoy it.
Eber: Nice to hear of a tenuous link between my EU2 Scottish AAR and your EU3 one - I confess I haven't read it all yet, but AARs about Scotland (my homeland) always have a special place for me.
The Great Duck, leftyboy87: Yes, I'm glad we've got the sich/sick thing straight now. I particularly liked the title because in the game, and in real history I think too, Zaporozhie only gets recognized as an independent nation when Dmitri establishes the sich on Khortytsa Island (sometime in the 1550s) - so Zaporozhie really was "the product of a sich mind" in that sense.
merrick: Yes indeed - the Cossacks of course never really achieved anything much in the way of great conquests, but hopefully I will be able to do better here.
So, here's an update coming right up...
canonized: This AAR may not be as edifying as the National Geographic, but it should certainly provide an alternative angle...
binTravkin & mlepkows: Thanks, and welcome!
Duke of Wellington: Any time I'm feeling in need of inspiration I think I'll just have to have a look at the painting and think of that letter!
Judas Maccabeus: I always wondered exactly what a "diplomatic insult" looked like in real life. But you're right, I'm sure most of them were much less interesting!
PrawnStar: Ah, that's what I like to see - a lurker coming out into the open! And welcome to this AAR, I hope you enjoy it.
Eber: Nice to hear of a tenuous link between my EU2 Scottish AAR and your EU3 one - I confess I haven't read it all yet, but AARs about Scotland (my homeland) always have a special place for me.
The Great Duck, leftyboy87: Yes, I'm glad we've got the sich/sick thing straight now.
I particularly liked the title because in the game, and in real history I think too, Zaporozhie only gets recognized as an independent nation when Dmitri establishes the sich on Khortytsa Island (sometime in the 1550s) - so Zaporozhie really was "the product of a sich mind" in that sense. merrick: Yes indeed - the Cossacks of course never really achieved anything much in the way of great conquests, but hopefully I will be able to do better here.
So, here's an update coming right up...
Saturday, 2nd June 1555
He's got a point that Rheticus bloke, you know. I mean, if we're ever seriously going to take on the despicable infidel Turks, we're going to need a navy. Yes, I know we've got the three rafts tied up at the riverbank down the hill from the sich, but Rheticus assures me that they won't be any good for transporting our boys across the Black Sea. Oh, did I actually mention Rheticus yet? Eccentric chap - turned up at the sich with a wagonload of baggage the other day asking if we needed a Naval Advisor. "What's in the crates?", I ask him, and he opens them up. Fifteen hundred pages of bleeding trigonometric tables. "Navigational aids," he says in a conspiratorial tone, tapping his nose like he's offering me stolen goods or something.
Well, the only navigational aid we generally need in Zaporozhie is a machete - you'll remember the tree-infested rivers - so I says, "Not today thanks, son." Which is when he comes out with his little speech about crushing the infidel Turk by the might of our armies and navies. Very persuasive, I have to say. So he became our second court advisor. He was a bit disparaging about our current naval complement as well. Says three rafts is not generally recognized as constituting "a navy". Maybe one day when we own a sea-port things will be different.
Meanwhile we remain somewhat protected from naval attacks by the impassable Dnieper Rapids. At least they've always been considered impassable up till now. Rheticus however has been showing the lads a thing or two:
Rheticus puts the Zaporozhian Navy through its paces
And what of our other great court advisor, Szamotul the Lutist? As it turns out he's been a big hit in the sich. What he hadn't let on about before was that he was actually kicked out of the Polish court for alleged satirical references to his majesty King Zygmunt. "Zyggy the Pyggy", he calls him. Once he discovered that our esteemed Polish overlord wasn't exactly flavour of the month in Zaporozhie, he soon let his hair down and now the lads can't get enough of his snide songs and bawdy ballads. He can't actually sing to save himself but the content more than makes up for the lack of vocal ability.
Meanwhile Zyggy the Pyggy has been stupid enough to offer us an alliance. This of course I accepted straight away, while laughing up my sleeve at his patronizing attitude and pathetically pretty wording to the proposal. The plan was of course to cancel this worthless vassalization as soon as possible, but not before we couuld be confident of getting into a decent alliance with at least one sizeable neighbour. So Zyggy steps right in and gives us the perfect cue. I'll just wait till things are a little more stable before breaking the news to him however since this is bound to get everyone a little jumpy.
Tuesday, 1st January 1556
Zyggy the Pyggy is not a happy camper. As a special Christmas gift this year I sent him the cancellation announcement. Henceforth, Your Esteemed Porkiness, we announced, we no longer recognize you as our overlord, so you can take that and stuff it up your august... etc, etc. Well you get the drift. To cut a long story short, Zyggy got pretty mad. The messenger is still recovering from his injuries, but needless to say he felt honoured to have represented Zaporozhie on such an important mission.
There are plenty of nambies around who think we should have been more diplomatic and thus avoided putting our realm in jeopardy, yadda, yadda, yadda, but morale is high here in the sich where Szamotul the Singing Legend is keeping the troops in stitches with his musical impersonations of dearest Zygmunt. We roasted a whole pig here on Christmas Day and sent our dear Catholic ally some of the choicest parts as an appeasement offering, but I don't think he quite took it that way. Ah well, if he kicks us out of the alliance we can always run to Tsar Yuriy of Russia, with whom I'm busy negotiating a royal marriage at the moment.
Heh, heh - notice that? "Royal marriage" - yours truly is hobnobbing with true royalty these days - I'll be related to the Rurikoviches no less. It was too bad about Ivan the Terrible pegging out last September. Now there's a fellow I could have got along with nicely - disembowel you as soon as look at you, just for wearing the wrong colour of socks. He was a real monarch now. Still, his son Yuriy is doing pretty well in following in his father's terrible footsteps. I foresee a happy relationship developing with old Mother Rus in the future. It all makes me feel my inner despot coming to the surface.
Ivan IV - a terrible loss for humanity
He's got a point that Rheticus bloke, you know. I mean, if we're ever seriously going to take on the despicable infidel Turks, we're going to need a navy. Yes, I know we've got the three rafts tied up at the riverbank down the hill from the sich, but Rheticus assures me that they won't be any good for transporting our boys across the Black Sea. Oh, did I actually mention Rheticus yet? Eccentric chap - turned up at the sich with a wagonload of baggage the other day asking if we needed a Naval Advisor. "What's in the crates?", I ask him, and he opens them up. Fifteen hundred pages of bleeding trigonometric tables. "Navigational aids," he says in a conspiratorial tone, tapping his nose like he's offering me stolen goods or something.
Well, the only navigational aid we generally need in Zaporozhie is a machete - you'll remember the tree-infested rivers - so I says, "Not today thanks, son." Which is when he comes out with his little speech about crushing the infidel Turk by the might of our armies and navies. Very persuasive, I have to say. So he became our second court advisor. He was a bit disparaging about our current naval complement as well. Says three rafts is not generally recognized as constituting "a navy". Maybe one day when we own a sea-port things will be different.
Meanwhile we remain somewhat protected from naval attacks by the impassable Dnieper Rapids. At least they've always been considered impassable up till now. Rheticus however has been showing the lads a thing or two:
Rheticus puts the Zaporozhian Navy through its paces
And what of our other great court advisor, Szamotul the Lutist? As it turns out he's been a big hit in the sich. What he hadn't let on about before was that he was actually kicked out of the Polish court for alleged satirical references to his majesty King Zygmunt. "Zyggy the Pyggy", he calls him. Once he discovered that our esteemed Polish overlord wasn't exactly flavour of the month in Zaporozhie, he soon let his hair down and now the lads can't get enough of his snide songs and bawdy ballads. He can't actually sing to save himself but the content more than makes up for the lack of vocal ability.
Meanwhile Zyggy the Pyggy has been stupid enough to offer us an alliance. This of course I accepted straight away, while laughing up my sleeve at his patronizing attitude and pathetically pretty wording to the proposal. The plan was of course to cancel this worthless vassalization as soon as possible, but not before we couuld be confident of getting into a decent alliance with at least one sizeable neighbour. So Zyggy steps right in and gives us the perfect cue. I'll just wait till things are a little more stable before breaking the news to him however since this is bound to get everyone a little jumpy.
Tuesday, 1st January 1556
Zyggy the Pyggy is not a happy camper. As a special Christmas gift this year I sent him the cancellation announcement. Henceforth, Your Esteemed Porkiness, we announced, we no longer recognize you as our overlord, so you can take that and stuff it up your august... etc, etc. Well you get the drift. To cut a long story short, Zyggy got pretty mad. The messenger is still recovering from his injuries, but needless to say he felt honoured to have represented Zaporozhie on such an important mission.
There are plenty of nambies around who think we should have been more diplomatic and thus avoided putting our realm in jeopardy, yadda, yadda, yadda, but morale is high here in the sich where Szamotul the Singing Legend is keeping the troops in stitches with his musical impersonations of dearest Zygmunt. We roasted a whole pig here on Christmas Day and sent our dear Catholic ally some of the choicest parts as an appeasement offering, but I don't think he quite took it that way. Ah well, if he kicks us out of the alliance we can always run to Tsar Yuriy of Russia, with whom I'm busy negotiating a royal marriage at the moment.
Heh, heh - notice that? "Royal marriage" - yours truly is hobnobbing with true royalty these days - I'll be related to the Rurikoviches no less. It was too bad about Ivan the Terrible pegging out last September. Now there's a fellow I could have got along with nicely - disembowel you as soon as look at you, just for wearing the wrong colour of socks. He was a real monarch now. Still, his son Yuriy is doing pretty well in following in his father's terrible footsteps. I foresee a happy relationship developing with old Mother Rus in the future. It all makes me feel my inner despot coming to the surface.
Ivan IV - a terrible loss for humanity
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J.Passepartout: Yes, well perhaps we'd better not go there...
Judas Maccabeus: Ahem, funny you should mention that...
Judas Maccabeus: Ahem, funny you should mention that...
Saturday, 19th July 1556
Guess what? Zyggy the Pyggy has actually declared war on someone! At last some impudent enemy will get a taste of Cossack steel. And the lucky winner is… Prussia?? Oh good grief! What do we want a war with Prussia for? Well, it's obvious why Zyggy wants a war with Prussia - he's got his piggy little eyes on Memel and Wenden to add to Lithuania (I did mention that he's King of Lithuania as well, didn't I?)
Well, the lads could do with a bit of campaigning - some of them are getting positively soft sitting around the sich listening to bawdy songs all day. So even if there's no territorial gain on the horizon for us, without further ado, we shall up and ride to war! Now, when I say "ride", ahem - cough - this brings us to a slightly embarrassing detail. The fact is that the Zaporozhian Host have not yet been equipped with… er... horses. OK, don't laugh, we do have very limited funds at present, and of course I myself will be on horseback, but I'm afraid I'll be the only one. Still, we shall acquit ourselves as befits the brave steppe warriors that we are, horses or no horses, have no fear!
9th December 1556
Ah this is the life! Here we are outside the walls of Wenden Castle. The Lithuanians have had the place under siege for months and all there is to do is sit here waiting, raiding and pillaging the surrounding countryside to while away the time. The Prussians are Protestants, a particular type of infidel that we haven't had the pleasure of running our sabres through before now, so it has been a delight to catch a few here and there. I have to say the Poles and Liths haven't exactly left very many for us, the greedy maggots, they even managed to slaughter their King in the first battle.
So now the Poles are besieging Königsberg, the Protestant capital, while the Lithuanians are taking care of Wenden and Memel. It all seems a bit pedestrian, if that expression isn't too pointed for some of the lads, who moaned and grumbled non-stop all the way from home at having to walk. Lazy beggars. Looks like the siege won't last too long now, then we can continue our tour of the Baltic coastlands.
20th July 1557
I don't believe it! Those witless Lithuanians have just left the war on payment to them of 11 ducats! Not sure what old Zyggy the Pyggy is up to but I smell a rat. Anyway, it leaves me in charge of the siege of Memel - yes, Wenden surrendered back in March and we hotfooted it to Memel to get in on the action here. So with one Prussian province under their belt and another on the way, plus the capital about to fall, they accept 11 ducats and all toddle off home. My theory is that some under the table dealing is going on. It's either that or Zyggy has gone soft in the head, which is quite possible.
Well, once Memel surrenders to Hetman Dmitri and his invincible Zaporozhian Host, we will show them no mercy. Yes, those heretic pig-dogs will not forget the sack of Memel in a hurry!
29th August 1558
Pardon the lack of updates for the last little while but I have been in a foul temper. For about a year. Right, here's the story in a nutshell. Königsberg surrenders to Zyggy the Pyggy in August last year. Great - now's his big chance to take a lucrative cash settlement and we can all go home happy. But no, he waits. Obviously just waiting for Memel to fall so he can get an even bigger cash settlement from the odious Prussians. I thought. Should have got suspicious when he didn't send so much as a latrine-digger to help us with the siege. And then in February he accepts - wait for it - a white peace!
So - this is his little revenge for us cancelling the vassalization. Oh, he's a sly one so he is. What? You think there might be some less malicious explanation? Uh-uh. Cos here's the the icing on the cake. Once the war's over he refuses to give us military access back to Zaporozhie. There we are stranded in Prussia looking like a bunch of prime idiots caught with our pants round our ankles. It's at moments like this that you get really inventive thinking of new and innovative methods of torture. If this wasn't a family show I'd share a few of the things I thought of doing to our esteemed porcine ally.
So anyway, what was there to do but disband the host, slink back to Zaporozhie disguised as wandering monks and minstrels, then re-convene the Host once everyone was back safe and sound. But there is one good thing about the whole episode. Yes, I decided it was worth splashing out a little. And now we're a real Cossack Host…
That's yours truly in the red, of course - and we even found mounts for Szamotul and his sidekick Georgi (on bass)
Guess what? Zyggy the Pyggy has actually declared war on someone! At last some impudent enemy will get a taste of Cossack steel. And the lucky winner is… Prussia?? Oh good grief! What do we want a war with Prussia for? Well, it's obvious why Zyggy wants a war with Prussia - he's got his piggy little eyes on Memel and Wenden to add to Lithuania (I did mention that he's King of Lithuania as well, didn't I?)
Well, the lads could do with a bit of campaigning - some of them are getting positively soft sitting around the sich listening to bawdy songs all day. So even if there's no territorial gain on the horizon for us, without further ado, we shall up and ride to war! Now, when I say "ride", ahem - cough - this brings us to a slightly embarrassing detail. The fact is that the Zaporozhian Host have not yet been equipped with… er... horses. OK, don't laugh, we do have very limited funds at present, and of course I myself will be on horseback, but I'm afraid I'll be the only one. Still, we shall acquit ourselves as befits the brave steppe warriors that we are, horses or no horses, have no fear!
9th December 1556
Ah this is the life! Here we are outside the walls of Wenden Castle. The Lithuanians have had the place under siege for months and all there is to do is sit here waiting, raiding and pillaging the surrounding countryside to while away the time. The Prussians are Protestants, a particular type of infidel that we haven't had the pleasure of running our sabres through before now, so it has been a delight to catch a few here and there. I have to say the Poles and Liths haven't exactly left very many for us, the greedy maggots, they even managed to slaughter their King in the first battle.
So now the Poles are besieging Königsberg, the Protestant capital, while the Lithuanians are taking care of Wenden and Memel. It all seems a bit pedestrian, if that expression isn't too pointed for some of the lads, who moaned and grumbled non-stop all the way from home at having to walk. Lazy beggars. Looks like the siege won't last too long now, then we can continue our tour of the Baltic coastlands.
20th July 1557
I don't believe it! Those witless Lithuanians have just left the war on payment to them of 11 ducats! Not sure what old Zyggy the Pyggy is up to but I smell a rat. Anyway, it leaves me in charge of the siege of Memel - yes, Wenden surrendered back in March and we hotfooted it to Memel to get in on the action here. So with one Prussian province under their belt and another on the way, plus the capital about to fall, they accept 11 ducats and all toddle off home. My theory is that some under the table dealing is going on. It's either that or Zyggy has gone soft in the head, which is quite possible.
Well, once Memel surrenders to Hetman Dmitri and his invincible Zaporozhian Host, we will show them no mercy. Yes, those heretic pig-dogs will not forget the sack of Memel in a hurry!
29th August 1558
Pardon the lack of updates for the last little while but I have been in a foul temper. For about a year. Right, here's the story in a nutshell. Königsberg surrenders to Zyggy the Pyggy in August last year. Great - now's his big chance to take a lucrative cash settlement and we can all go home happy. But no, he waits. Obviously just waiting for Memel to fall so he can get an even bigger cash settlement from the odious Prussians. I thought. Should have got suspicious when he didn't send so much as a latrine-digger to help us with the siege. And then in February he accepts - wait for it - a white peace!
So - this is his little revenge for us cancelling the vassalization. Oh, he's a sly one so he is. What? You think there might be some less malicious explanation? Uh-uh. Cos here's the the icing on the cake. Once the war's over he refuses to give us military access back to Zaporozhie. There we are stranded in Prussia looking like a bunch of prime idiots caught with our pants round our ankles. It's at moments like this that you get really inventive thinking of new and innovative methods of torture. If this wasn't a family show I'd share a few of the things I thought of doing to our esteemed porcine ally.
So anyway, what was there to do but disband the host, slink back to Zaporozhie disguised as wandering monks and minstrels, then re-convene the Host once everyone was back safe and sound. But there is one good thing about the whole episode. Yes, I decided it was worth splashing out a little. And now we're a real Cossack Host…
That's yours truly in the red, of course - and we even found mounts for Szamotul and his sidekick Georgi (on bass)
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That was an... odd war. Too bad the Poles don't understand that crossing the Cossacks tends to be bad for one's health.
That war and alliance is bringing back memories of my time allied to Lithuania and Poland as Theodoros. All I can say is get out of the alliance now it's not worth it find someone else.
JM: Yes, the Poles will pay of course. But perhaps not quite yet...
Duke of Wellington: An alliance with Poland wasn't my first choice, but of course while I was a vassal it was all I could get. My relations with them aren't good (-118) and although this is supposedly rising by about 2 per year, it isn't - every time I look it's plummeted even lower. I'm tolerating Catholics for now so I'm not sure what their problem is. Meanwhile I have +195 relations with Russia and a Royal Marriage but I'm told that an alliance with them is "Impossible". They are already allied with Montenegro and the Qasim Khanate, so maybe they feel that's enough. But if the AI really caps its alliances at two, how come Wurzburg is now allied with Riga, Teutonic Order, Alsace, Cologne, Mainz, Munster, Salzburg and Trier? Or perhaps its my -12 prestige that's blocking my chances with Russia? Any helpful advice concerning alliances would be most welcome!
Duke of Wellington: An alliance with Poland wasn't my first choice, but of course while I was a vassal it was all I could get. My relations with them aren't good (-118) and although this is supposedly rising by about 2 per year, it isn't - every time I look it's plummeted even lower. I'm tolerating Catholics for now so I'm not sure what their problem is. Meanwhile I have +195 relations with Russia and a Royal Marriage but I'm told that an alliance with them is "Impossible". They are already allied with Montenegro and the Qasim Khanate, so maybe they feel that's enough. But if the AI really caps its alliances at two, how come Wurzburg is now allied with Riga, Teutonic Order, Alsace, Cologne, Mainz, Munster, Salzburg and Trier? Or perhaps its my -12 prestige that's blocking my chances with Russia? Any helpful advice concerning alliances would be most welcome!
If you keep Russia happy and can live without an alliance, they should eventually offer you an alliance. However, leaving Poland's alliance would certainly be bad news for your small country. If you are willing to risk it, watch Russia's alliance closely, one of them might dishonor the alliance. I don't think the Khanate will ever dishonor the alliance but Montenegro will either dishonor or get eaten by the Turks. That would be the time for you to leave Poland's alliance but there is no guarentee Russia would make an offer before Zyggy the Pyggy jumps on you.
It would help if you could manage to gain a province or 2 before leaving your current alliance. That would give you some breathing room, a bargaining chip to survive a war alone while waiting for Mother Russia.
Another option is to stick to Poland until the inevitable conflict between Poland and Lithuania breaks out. When that happens, jump ship and make yourself very tiny while they have a go at each other. With a little luck, you might even be able to jump in the war and make some gains.
Oh and wonderful AAR, I wouldn't know this was a real country if not for your story.
It would help if you could manage to gain a province or 2 before leaving your current alliance. That would give you some breathing room, a bargaining chip to survive a war alone while waiting for Mother Russia.
Another option is to stick to Poland until the inevitable conflict between Poland and Lithuania breaks out. When that happens, jump ship and make yourself very tiny while they have a go at each other. With a little luck, you might even be able to jump in the war and make some gains.
Oh and wonderful AAR, I wouldn't know this was a real country if not for your story.
I've noticed the same thing in my games. I had a vassal, same religion, allied, marriage, sending gift after gift to get relations up then next thing I know it would drop by 50 or so for no apparent reason.Farquharson said:
Getting the ai to accept alliances after the first couple of months is nigh on impossible I've found. So many times I'm told the chance is impossible and if I offer thats true enough then a month of two later they ask me into an alliance.Farquharson said:
Capped at two? I've never actually read or seen that but experience in game suggests completely otherwise. I should imagine the prestige is a very big factor in not getting them to accept. I still haven't got to grips with the prestige system but it seems pretty important.Farquharson said:
Well thats my thoughts on the matter. Sorry I can't really be of any help.
A naval advisor and a crazy war now that is some development. I think the Poles are dangerous types and they certainly had a plan for very long leaving you like that, maybe they even planned to attack you when you had no army… But now you have horses for your army so no need to complain, your boys look like true Cossacks now
JaxomCA: Thanks - this was very helpful, even if I didn't exactly follow your advice to the letter...
Duke of Wellington: Glad to hear from someone else as mystified as me about some of the vagaries of EU3. I can't decide whether I think the impossible alliance thing needs changed or not. With +195 relations and a royal marriage you'd think there ought to be at least a slim chance though...
Lord E: Well, it certainly feels better having my army on horseback, but I still don't think 1000 cavalry would stand much of a chance against a combined onslaught from Poland and Lithuania...
Well, here's what actually happened.
Duke of Wellington: Glad to hear from someone else as mystified as me about some of the vagaries of EU3. I can't decide whether I think the impossible alliance thing needs changed or not. With +195 relations and a royal marriage you'd think there ought to be at least a slim chance though...
Lord E: Well, it certainly feels better having my army on horseback, but I still don't think 1000 cavalry would stand much of a chance against a combined onslaught from Poland and Lithuania...
Well, here's what actually happened.