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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

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Second Lieutenant
Nov 10, 2007
109
0
Yet Another USSR World Conquest

Country: Soviet Union
Version used: Armageddon 1.1
Mods used: DAIM/SMEP, some graphical mods
Difficulty: Very Hard/Furious
Objective: To bring the world under Stalinist rule
Style: Semi-humorous, semi-gameplay

Note from the author: What does one do when bored? Indeed, get out the Russian Bear and go conquer the world! Inspired by other good humorous AARs, I decided to give this bring-the-whole-world-under-Communist-rule AAR spawned from the boredom of the author a comedic twist of my own.


MEETING OF THE LEADERS OF THE SOVIET UNION - JANUARY 1, 1936

Stalin: "Welcome today on the day where I shall reveal my glorious plans for the USSR. Absent as always is Mikhail Kalinin, because nobody really knows what he does, and his position as titular head of state is in all respects similar to that of a figurehead without any real power and as such he has no business here. Now, on to business... "

Stalin: "From today on, we will be an Evil Red Empire bent on World Domination."
Litvinov: "But how can we be evil if we are not capitalist?"
Stalin: "Capitalism is not evil - Communism is evil. Just read a western propaganda paper on it and you'll see that we are the evil here."
Litvinov: "You read a western propaganda paper? Didn't you outlaw those about ten years ago?"
*Stalin looks uneasy*

Stalin: "Now, on to the World Domination part..."
Tukhachevsky: "We'll need better infantry for that."
Stalin: "Tukhachevsky, Tukhachevsky, Tukhachevsky..." *shakes his head in despair* "such a poor grasp of my vision you have. We're not the good guys here! We won't win wars by having better soldiers than our enemies... we win wars because we have more. Good has quality: evil has quantity. And you know we're evil."
Tukhachevsky: "Yeah, you mentioned that once or twice a sentence so far."
Stalin: "But still, you do make a point. Giving 100 million Russians a pitchfork and ask them to storm an enemy country would be entertaining, but ultimately futile. Make sure we have the latest infantry model ready, when we go to war."

Litvinov: "And now we're making the "more is better" doctrine official doctrine of the Evil Red Empire, might I suggest we improve upon that part even more?"
Stalin: "What's your idea?"
Litvinov: "Better machines - more production. Better tabulating - more research. Better agriculture - more men in the army."
Stalin: "But that's improving upon current design! We should be building more factories instead of improving the current ones! We are evil!"
Litvinov: "Have it your way. We'll also build more factories."
Stalin: "YES! Now that's more like it!"

Litvinov (silently to Kaganovich): "Build factories, but start the research nonetheless. What Stalin doesn't know won't hurt him or make him paranoid beyond our thoughts, killing important people at random and putting a sociopath even worse than Yagoda in the interior ministry."
Kaganovich: "Don't speak of such things! You know self-fulfilling prophecies, right?"

Yagoda: "How will we sell this to the people, instead of the usual 'capitalism-is-evil-and-we-are-good'? What will they think of it?"
Stalin: "They'll love it! They get to come along on a first-class conquering spree!"
Yagoda: "And if they start striking?"
Stalin: "Just employ the three P's. Propaganda, Political Repression, and Producing Vodka. That'll keep them happy."

Kaganovich: "I still don't get it. What's with all the world domination? Yesterday, you were still happy with keeping socialism in one country. And now you want us to go... well... to go out and conquer something."
Stalin: "Kaganovich, what do all evil leaders want?"

*silence*

Stalin: *sighs* "Come on, think harder!

Litvinov: "To conquer the world?"

Stalin: "Yes, of course! That also fits with the theory of 'socialism in one country'. We shall bring Socialism to the world, and *raises voice*THE WHOLE WORLD SHALL BE RED! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Litvinov: "Thanks for already giving away the plans, wise-ass."
Kaganovich: "You know, there might be a few people in Vladivostok who didn't hear that."
Stalin: "You know what guys? I need to work a bit on my evil laughter, and need to produce some better megalomaniacal speeches for next time. Go do something else, I can't use you for a while."

Everybody stands and looks at Stalin, unsure what is meant by 'something else'.

Voroshilov: "Stalin's vodka stash is down the hall."

And after the magic words of Marshal of the Soviet Union Kliment Voroshilov, who did something right for a change, everybody rushes out the door of Stalin's room, and presumably down the hall.
 

Gul Brown

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:D That was great, looking forward to the next update.
 

Deus Eversor

Field Marshal
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LATS BRING (GOD) MARS TO (MOTHER) EARTH!
LET THE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF ARES AND GAIA LIVE IN GODLY SOCIALISM!
hehe godS speed ;]
(i do not have to add that mars is only Latin name for ares?(ares->(m/w)ar(e)s->mars/wars))
hmm
AR(R)es ;]
 

unmerged(61606)

(Interim Avatar)
Oct 9, 2006
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www.rcduggan.com
I haven't seen any USSR WCs ever, or at least I can't remember them. :)

good luck, long live the revolution!
 

4th Dimension

The Avatar of Time
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To be completly evil you need a doomsday device to torture small nations. That said, start researching Nukes, NOW
 

unmerged(61606)

(Interim Avatar)
Oct 9, 2006
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www.rcduggan.com
4th Dimension said:
To be completly evil you need a doomsday device to torture small nations. That said, start researching Nukes, NOW
yeah, nukes are a MUST.
 

unmerged(61810)

Full of Regret
Oct 16, 2006
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Woah, a Soviet WC AAR. There haven't been any forever.