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Khan of the Crimea
Oct 21, 2002
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:cool: -World Conquest for Cheaters- :cool:
A Gotland Time Trial AAR

Professor Ebbesen stretched his legs out beneath the desk, watching the students file out of the classroom to enter their simulators and begin their world conquest attempts as their Spirit Guide moved them. All the students, that is, except Dustman, who walked humbly up to the desk.

"Professor, can I have my axe back?"

"No, Dustman, it is a helpful instrument and I may find it handy, in the future."

Dustman looked down. "Okay, professor." He turned to the simulation room, where he would be guided by his spirit guide, a fluffy teddy bear with big sad eyes.

"Oh, Dustman, one more thing."

"Yes, Professor?"

WHACK

Ouch

The Professor watched Dustman slink out of the room, and began forming a paper airplane out of one of the extra exam papers. He looked up again; a new student was approaching.

"Prof - Professor Ebbesen?"

"Yes? Name?"

"Da Swede, sir." Interesting name; the Professor tried not to flinch. "Sir, I've designed a simulator and begun to run it as the nation of Gotland, sir." The Professor raised his eyebrows in mild interest. "The little island off the coast of Sweden, sir. A one-province minor world-conquest. Pagan religion and tech group, sir, the rest of Europe quite as usual, sir."

"Impressive. A very challenging nation to play; your spirit guide must be - a dragon? A Nazgul?"

"Well sir...I did, um, make things easier rather somewhat."

Trouble was brewing; the Professor's eyebrows rose once more. "Such as...?"

Da Swede swallowed and looked down. "Infinite manpower, sir, and complete knowledge of the world and unlimited cash and level 60 land and navy tech and -" gulp.

"Swedish fish," Ebbesen angrily. "Look at me now. LOOK at me!"

"Yes sir?"

WHACK

Ouch

"What are you thinking, silly boy? That isn't world conquest, that's ... that's ... that's!!" He couldn't think of what's that. "That's blasphemy! Now wait -" an idea came on swiftly and fluidly and seized hold of his entire brain in seconds. "That's rather a neat idea. As a controlled experiment, mhm, yes, as a method to test the - to see how long the entire world could be conquered, under perfectly ideal circumstances. If there was nothing stopping you but your own utter foolishness, how long would it take you to conquer the world? Hmm, yes, brilliant idea coming from such a - well never mind. Open it up; see how fast it can be done, Swedish - what was your name? Never mind. Go. Let me know what happens. I expect the world to be taken by 1421."

"Well sir..." Da Swede trailed off and began to leave.

"Oh, Swede, one more thing."

"Yes, Professor?"

WHACK

Ouch

"Ah, I feel just that much better," the Professor said, breathing deeply, gratified.

- - -​

A few weeks ago Da Swede posted in the EUII forum a new scenario called the "Gotland Time Trial," in which players begin as the tiny Baltic island with a shipyard, conscription center, weapons manufactory, tops technology, and cores on every controlled province of the world (except, unfortunately, some accidentally overlooked American nations).

Upon startup the player was to enter the following cheat codes: swift (add 10,000 population to capital), russianhordes (no manpower limit), alba (no rebellions), and columbus (entire world discovered). Following this, the player is allowed to use two cheats as often as necessary: oranje (reset stability at +3) and vatican (six diplomats; handy when annexing one nation and declaring war on three more all on the same day).

The goal is simple: Take over the world as fast as possible.

Only foolishness and troop construction speed can slow you down.

Let the ridiculous fun begin.
I shall not pretend this game is honorable.
I shall not pretend I am good at it.
I shall not go for the record; after all, the record was set by Nagel in a simply astounding four years - surely the fastest and probably the most dubious world conquest ever. I shall probably not be very high on the leaderboard either, because I am a wimp.

Enough about me.




The beginning situation
 

Ciçatrix

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Ah, let's see if your strategy is different than mine. :)
Nice update, I will be watching. :)
 

Snake IV

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Yes I saw that thread. Didn't try the WC however. I don't won't people laughing at me. :D
 

Lurken

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You go for it!
 

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LevePalestinaKrossaSionis men
Dec 13, 2003
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Yup.

This is going to be good.
 

unmerged(52192)

Second Lieutenant
Dec 28, 2005
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The Gonzo said:
Yup.

This is going to be good.

agreed.
i shall have to do an aar of my adventures with all cheats on. my swiss, byzantine and zulu campaigns are all memorable :p
 

unmerged(11366)

Khan of the Crimea
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"Welcome to the island of Gotland, O Master," the small, funny looking man with bushy eyebrows said, bowing and looking like a ridiculous suck-up.

"What?" Hajji Giray asked. He hadn't realized just how powerful the simulator was before he stepped in and pushed the little red button. "You mean I'm really here?"

"Yes, Your Highness. You are our King, O Master." The man emerged out of his bow at last. "My name is Ginger, and your will is my command, O Master."

"Ginger?"

"Yes, O Master. A lovely name, is it not, sir?"

"Oh, yes yes yes it is. Not bad at all. Listen, let's build a navy."

"Very good, master."

"I want seventy warships, sixty galleys, and sixty transports, Ginger, thank you."

"No, sir, thank you, sir. A little ambitious are we?"

"I'm to conquer the world as quickly as possible."

"Ah, yes. We do get a lot of those. It shall be done, sir." With a small purple poof Ginger vanished, which was the only thing preventing Hajji from believing it was actually Peter Lorre in makeup. He looked around at the grand imperial hall; it was suitably splendiferous and he couldn't wait to explore all the ornate carving and fantastical art, much of it suspiciously eighteenth-century. A minion began to pass through.

"Minion," Hajji said, to test the reaction.

"Yes, O Master?" Quite satisfactory, the King thought.

"Is there anything to do around here, while I wait for the navy to be constructed?"

"But of course," the minion said, bowing, "you could play a game of chess against our trained chessmaster."

"Have you got anybody I can beat?"

"But of course."

Within minutes the King was at a table, playing chess against a rather ugly old woman. He would bide his time honing his chess skills for a year, six months, and twenty days, at which point he ordered the construction of a massive new army, 120,000 infantry, 60,000 cavalry, and 160 cannons. During lunch breaks he ordered colonization of the island of Newfoundland in America, with mixed success, although it was of little importance until the invasion of the Americas.

By fall of 1421 he had everything he needed to conquer the continent of Europe, he thought. "We will have the army and navy split equally into eight armies and eight navies," he told his advisors, "which will each invade a different specific place in the target nation to speed the campaign."

"Very good strategy, sir," Ginger said fawningly, "but who is the target nation?"

"Well," King Hajji mused, "we could do Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Pommern, Prussia, the Teutonic Order, Holstein... hmm, yes."

"Which one shall it be, sir?"

"Oh, no no no." Hajji blinked. "All of them at once."


The armies prepare
 

unmerged(23409)

LevePalestinaKrossaSionis men
Dec 13, 2003
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My cat's called Ginger.
 

unmerged(11366)

Khan of the Crimea
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In the Hall of the Swedish King...

"Your Highness, troubling news, sir."

"Speak, messenger."

"Your Majesty, the island of Gotland has declared war upon us."

"Gotland? Really now! Well that's not too bad, I suppose; better than England or the treacherous Danes."

"Sir, Denmark will join you but Norway has backed out of the alliance."

"I thought I could trust the Norwegians, at least."

"Sir, the Gotlanders have declared war on Norway anyhow."

"Fools! Dispatch them quickly and painlessly."

"Also Pommern, Holstein, Prussia, and the Teutonic Order."

"They declared war on them?!"

"Yes, your highness."

"What a joke! Well you don't have to hurry too much I suppose."

"Sir, on the contrary..."

"Yes...?"

"It looks like we're screwed."

"Blasphemy!"

"Well, your majesty - take a look."


"Piece of shi - shiggamaloo!"

to be continued...
 

unmerged(47534)

Sergeant
Aug 14, 2005
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CatKnight, the scenario is meant to ensure perfect conditions for a WC, so that people can see who can do a WC the fastest.

Hajji, why are you building cannons when you have a huge morale advantage?

Other than that, pretty good so far. I can't wait to see how fast you can do it.
 

CatKnight

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Mmhmm. Never losing a battle would fall under perfect conditions, no?

I mean, if we're going to horribly cheat we might as well go all the way. :)
 

unmerged(11366)

Khan of the Crimea
Oct 21, 2002
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The Gonzo said:
My cat's called Ginger.
I know. :eek: :D :D ;)

CatKnight - Even cheaters have SOME moral compass ;) actually, ask Da Swede. I actually have lost a couple battles, in which my depleted armies of nothing but cannon (after a year or so of campaigning in a to-be-announced country) get overrun by the enemy. Which brings me to TT4 -

Hajji, why are you building cannons when you have a huge morale advantage?

I'm not really sure; probably that I'm just rather clueless having never tried this sort of thing before. My first attempt I actually kept my invincible mega-armies of 80,000 or so together instead of splitting them into a bunch of invincible little armies.

Glad yall are interested - have played until 1425 or so - will update this evening tomorrow perhaps...?
 

unmerged(53656)

Private
Feb 5, 2006
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That would be nice. :)

Personally, I would go with small armies of 10-15k infantry because of your huge tech advantage.

And, don't forget to use oranje liberally for the truce-breaking. :)
 

Ciçatrix

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You could have built mercenaries, then you could have begun as soon as your ships were finished. ;)
But good luck with the rest of it. :)
 

coz1

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A most interesting set up, Hajji. Awhile I am usually loathe to give cheating any attention, this looks to be done as "what if" which changes things, if only slightly. I'll keep watch and see how you do.