Chapter II: Reign of Old Esen Buqa
It was 1445 and the Khan of the Chagatai Khanate, Esen Buqa, was no longer a young pirate. He was a battle hardened man and he coming off a recent defeat against the Timurids which saw him lose two provinces. Nonetheless the Khan and the Eggs were full of hope and promise as their diplomatic situation never looked better. They were allied with probably the most powerful nation of earth, China who was even guaranteeing the Eggs independence. In these years whilst Esen Buqa was trying to reorganise his country he was more than interested in what was going on around him. In 1447 what had been his great rival, Shah Rukh died and with his death the Timurid Empire collapsed. Not only was it a collapse politically but a collapse of total civilisation in the region. In just a couple of months the Timurid society has degenerated into a primitive stone-age society and before long their physical appearance began to adjust as well. Before long the Timurids starting looking like this:
Timurid devolution
Now for the Eggs the devolution of the Timurids was not very significant; they didn’t care who they fought. The significant thing was that the Empire itself divided. Just as evolution always creates different races it was the same with this devolution. From the Timurid Empire broke away Khorasan, Fars and shortly thereafter Baluchistan as well and each was their own unique race. Khorasan, to match their simplistic minds gained simplistic physical features, like cartoon characters. The people of Fars were much shorter than their ancestors and liked to sing; they referred to the Timurids as a wicked witch. The Baluchi on the other hand turned orange with green hair and were also rather short, they liked singing too.
From left: The people of Fars, Baluchistan and Khorasan
The Timurids went to war with all these breakaways and by doing so their alliance which had defeated the Eggs collapsed, only the Uzbeks and Ak Koyunlu stayed by their side. This all played straight into the Eggs hands. The Timurids were weak so Esen Buqa prepared to declare war but first he wanted to wait until the three successor states had weakened the Timurid armies. In the meantime Esen Buqa built up a strong alliance with which to attack the Timurids; the Punjabis were convinced to rejoin and another new nation Sibir also joined. In 1450 Esen Buqa felt the timing was right to attack and war was declared.
The combatants
Just as the Egg Horde was heading into the Timurid lands bad news was received. The Muppets had returned and sent the Eggs a war declaration. The Chinese joined the war but Sibir and Punjab ignored the alliance. Esen Buqa instantly told the Egg Horde to turn around and head for Mongolia. There was more land to be won or lost in Mongolia and the allies would hold up the Timurids for a while. And that they did, the Chinese marched across the Khanate to fight the Timurids but somehow the Cavemen’s armies were strong and the Chinese lost almost every battle. Nonetheless their presence was enough to make a difference as Sibir took control of the northern Uzbek Khanate and Punjab captured Ferghana.
The Egg Horde arrived in Mongolia and easily defeated what the Muppets called armies but were probably better labelled a wild throng. Before long much of Mongolia was controlled by the Eggs. Only the southern provinces with forts took much effort. The Chinese took Setsen whilst the Eggs assaulted Karakorum. As Karakorum was under siege Esen Buqa thought about pushing for a total victory against the Muppets but it was then that they allied with the Cannibals of the Manchu. The Cannibals had massive armies which was made evident when they invaded and took control of Cochin from the Chinese. By this time though the Chinese were suffering from internal issues and had for the most part retreated to their homeland.
The Muppets’ attempt to form an army.
By early 1452 Esen Buqa realised that total victory with the Muppets would be too difficult with their new allies and once China made peace with Mongolia in March for the loss of Cochin the Cannibals were now heading towards Mongolia to aid the Muppets. This gave the Eggs the first view of the Manchu people and what the scouts reported back was as troubling as the rumors suggested.
First sketch of the Manchu people taken by Egg scouts.
Esen Buqa had to end the war quickly before the huge Cannibal army got too close. In November 1452 the Muppets accepted a peace which saw the Egg gain Urga. This allowed the Egg Horde to cross to the other front which had experienced significant developments. Firstly Khorasan was annexed by the Cavemen which nearly doubled their territory overnight. Secondly, Sibir who had left their alliance with the Eggs had now allied with the Golden Horde who had now joined the war against the Cavemen and Uzbeks.
In 1453 the Eggs made their full-hearted push into Timurid territory. Unlike the Chinese the Egg Horde was able to stand up to the Caveman armies but even so it soon became obvious that the reunited Timurids, along with the 20,000 Uzbek Horde, were too strong for the Eggs to destroy outright. As The Golden Horde moved along the western Uzbek lands Esen Buqa decided to complete the encompassing of their enemies by pushing through to the former Khorasan lands, which were mostly ungarrisoned. Merw was captured in April 1454 and Khorasan in August. However by this stage Esen Buqa was short of cash and had been forced to implement new taxes. This led to revolts in the Khanate and with the Egg Horde effectively cut off on the far side of the Cavemen they were free to run wild.
The rebellion began in the newly captured Urga.
The Eggs were all over the enemy now, the Uzbeks were limited to the vicinity of their capital whilst the southern lands of the Cavemen were rebelling and the western lands captured. The only problem was the innumerable defeats by the Chinese and later the Golden Horde. China signed a peace with the Cavemen in 1455 which numerically improved the Eggs position in the war but the loss of the Chinese armies would be painful. Over the next year or so the Eggs combined with the Golden Horde attempting to take Samarkand and the city fell in December 1455 however Merw was lost. Victory was almost at hand but Esen Buqa pushed once too many when he decided that he wanted to recapture Tashkand which had been lost to the Timurids in the last war. The siege of Tashkand was slower than a snail and this allowed the Cavemen to retake Samarkand.
By this time the rebels back in the Khanate had reached the capital and action had to be taken before bad eggs started defecting. As parts of the Egg Horde retreated to deal with the rebels Sibir signed a peace with the Cavemen which saw much of the northern Uzbek lands handed back. The war then started to turn ugly. The Golden Horde had few men left and with only the cashmere-wearing Punjabis to help the Eggs the alliance was now outnumbered. In September 1457 Tashkand was lost once more and despite gains against the Uzbeks including Ferghana and Karagunda Esen Buqa knew that his advantage was disappearing. In 1458 he told the Egg Horde to make one more assault on Samarkand but when they were routed in August and then annhilated in Bukhara soon after Esen Buqa knew it was over and started pleading with the Cavemen for peace.
The aftermath of the peace of 1458
The Eggs were still victorious in the war against the Cavemen but it was not the crushing blow they had anticipated. In the end Esen Buqa could only take Khorasan in the peace. Soon after the peace the Egg Horde arrived to suppress the rebels but the bad eggs were underestimated and the Khan’s army was defeated in Altan. This prompted Esen Buqa to take out a loan to fund a new army since he was now penniless, almost armyless and not in control of four egg provinces, including the capital.
The Battle of Altan vs the rebel eggs
It would not be until 1460 that the rebels were made exinct by which time word had arrived that a tribe called the White Blobs, on the other side of the world, had been annexed. Esen Buqa was disinterested in this news and was returned to expanding Chagatai trade which had all but disappeared over the last decade. He continued to do this until his death in 1462. Esen Buqa, the pirate Khan, had been a great warrior but the Chagatai Khanate had failed to capitalise on his skills. The Khanate had payed the price, it was now looked upon with a tarnished reputation by neighbours and was suffering from over 20% inflation. The Eggs needed a great leader to turn things around and that is what they got.
White Blobs baked into Bavarian cheesecake
