Why God does not play dice - A Seljuk AAR (with a handicap)

[bowl of soup]

Why God does not play dice

​

Index: Handicap

[post=6810132]Preface/Prologue[/post]
[post=6810133]Rules (will revise)[/post]
[post=6817406]Part I - A Message From The Devine Give it all away![/post]
[post=6822119]Part II - New Titles[/post]
[post=6832368]Part III - An Unforseen Problem[/post]
[post=6856315]Part IV - An Unwanted Affair The Proletarian State![/post]
[post=6870255]Part V - Why?[/post]
[post=6885730]Bonus: A Map![/post]
[post=6900845]Part VI - Surprise! War, Isn't that nice?[/post]
[post=6908793]Part VII - Unnamed[/post]
[post=6954083]Part VIII - When It Rains It Pours The bastards[/post]
[post=6968534]Part IXa - Of All Places![/post]
[post=6972561]Part IXb - You Can Corner Me, You Can Kill My Soldiers, But You Can't Fight My Wife! (And You'll Probably Hate Me For It)[/post]
[post=6979758]Bonus: Family Values[/post]
[post=6983560]Part X - And all the world will know him by that name...[/post]
[post=7001161]Part XI - The Bearer of Light[/post]
[post=7007898]Part XII - Civil War No Advisors[/post]
[post=7017005]Part XIIIa - Unnamed[/post]
[post=7018282]Part XIIIb - Not According to Plan Taking Care of Little Llywelyn[/post]
[post=7035782]Bonus: Another Map![/post]
[post=7047609]Part XIV - Obituary[/post]
[post=7074276]Part XV - Invading the Byzantine Empire[/post]
[post=7080750]Part XVI - Death of the Byzantine Empire[/post]
[post=7122162]Part XVII - It's Pathetic Really Malik Turns Jewish[/post]
[post=7147548]Part XVIII - To Jerusalem! Malik's Quest for Jerusalem[/post]
[post=7198036]Part XIX - Building the Temple[/post]
[post=7399466]Part XX - Brotherly Love Get your off of that![/post]

----

Preface

God, as we all know, does not play dice. A fellow named Einstein is famed for these words and are in relation to the Quantom theory. This guy found it impossible to conceive that an almighty being who sees and knows all would let things run a random course. He was of course proven wrong about the Quantom theory, but he was right about one thing: God does indeed not play dice. It's not that God doesn't like playing dice, it's his favorite hobby. However he has one problem: he has nobody to play it with. Of course there is his Son, but he doesn't play and is generally too busy with... well things, he didn't see him too often. The angels agree with him all the way and are thus no fun to play with. Satan would be a nice playing partner as he hates his guts but the bastard cheats all the time. You don't want to play with the pagan gods because they can't stand losing and when they do, they will almost always tear the place apart. Humans won't do because if they know God does play dice they will start coming up with Quantom theories and whatnot. That left only one person: Allah. For a while they did play dice together. Now however they don't, here's why:

Prologue

On an astral plane somewhere between Heaven and Paradise:

The sound of great slabs of lead falling on a granite could be heard into the deepest recesses of the infinity. God and Allah were playing dice again. God had brought his favorite dice along. They were ancient stone cubes carved out of the universe's hardest mountains. As the dice came to a standstill two dots could be seen on each of the dice.

"200. I won again!" exclaimed God.

"You usually do" grumbled Allah.

"Yeah I'm on a roll. Say how are things faring? Those Muslims still at the faith?"

"Sure, the Seljuks can invade the Byzantines any moment now and you know how it is in Iberia."

"Tell me about it. The Byzantines have been around a bit too long for my taste. It would be a shame to lose those Orthodox fellows. I always found a liking to them, not at all like those boring Catholics. Oh well still got the Russians, you gotta like the Russians. I do hope your guys don't do anything too harsh to mine."

"I'm sure they'll do what's necessary."

"Like cutting someone's hand off when he stole something? How can you stand that stuff? Me, I'm more the forgiving type. The good of men and whatnot."

"The good of men? Like the inquisition?"

"Okay apart from that. They mean well."

"The road to hell is paved with good intention."

"Last time I checked that was embers."

"You know what I mean. In for another game?"

"Sure. What do you say if we make things a bit more interesting?"

"I'm listening."

"Well those Seljuks of yours are practically knocking on the Byzantine door. They got quite a big Empire and would excell if ruled by competent hands, am I right?"

"Well yeah. They're not someone who you'd like to go to war with."

"Right. So here's my proposal if you win I'll call in the reformation fourhundred years earlier. But if I win the Seljuks get a handicap, changing from time to time, for the next 400 years."

"Hmm sounds interesting. All right let's do it. You go first."

God rolled the dice and a four and three showed.

"Tough one. You go."

Allah rolled the dice. One stopped rolling and showed a four the other kept rolling a bit more when gust of astral plane wind swept it away and landed it a bit further away. It showed a two.

"Damn!" said Allah.

 

[bowl of soup]

Author's note + rules

Author's note

Welcome to this semi-first official AAR. Some may have seen my excellent *coughs* writing skill in the Collage of CAARdinals. Actually that was the reason I started this one. There was a vote on what country I should take to do my next AAR. The result was that I should take the Seljuks on a little adventure. Only there was a little catch. Every week my readers (that means you) should think of a handicap which I must suffer during that week of play. I haven't done any playing yet, so this is your first chance to think of something. I hope you enjoy it and any comments on writing/playing are much appreciated!

Rules

As I've mentioned before there's going to be a handicap every week. These handicaps are chosen by you the reader. So here's the outline:

- A handicap every week (With the exception of course when I'm on holiday, have a busy schedule, or the apocalypse arrives)
- Suggestions and voting is done on a monday (beginning of a workweek) announced by me
- A handicap is taken when there is a majority for one.
- One votes by making a suggestion or seconding anothers suggestion
- Handicaps involving the F12 menu are not allowed
- When I flunk (i.e. chicken out) on a handicap, I will take on two handicaps the following week. My discretion of course.

 

[Elias Tarfarius]

All conquered lands must be released to form a border land of ghazi princedoms. i suppose not being able to add them to the Sultan's own demesne is a handicap. right?

Can't wait to see what happens.


ET

 

[unmerged(63836)]

I second E. T. proposition: Good luck.

 

[unmerged(31881)]

No vote or idea at this time.
Except to say that if Byzantium should find its way into the hands of its rightful owners, i.e. the Seljuks, then it ought to be part of the demesne.
Notwithstanding the suggested general handicap should that be adopted.
Anyway, good luck and watch out for those Byzantines. They are a sneaky bunch!

 

[bowl of soup]

ET: Good to have you on board. I gave your idea some thought and decided I liked it. It reminded me of what RGB did in his AAR. Setting up princedoms with members of my own dynasty who are independent sure is a handicap. Playing a muslim nation I have no trouble fighting of christians (like the byzantines) but there are all sorts of things to consider when fighting a fellow muslim. So this isn't just a handicap for one week but for a long while after that.

TM: True to your word, good to see you found it! Hope you enjoy it

Tskb18: No pressure, if you come up with anything feel free to post. As for the byzantines... well I'm affraid that I will stick with any handicap I have for the week. So if I conquer the Byzantines I will set up a state that's as much an affront to the eastern Roman Empire as possible. When the week is over I will do everything in my might to incorporate it again

----

Alright so this is the start of my first AAR with my first handicap, hope you guys will enjoy it! As this AAR also demands something from it's readers I humbly ask you if you'll start thinking on other handicaps. I need one next week. So let's say Monday is handicap day, on which I'll receive a new handicap.

So get those thinking caps working!

 

[unmerged(59077)]

Too many caps in one post.

I'm definitely in on this one! And yes, you must release all possible kingdoms you conquer this week, and if none are, you mustn't keep any lands as demesne.

Although I sure will be a lot more creative next Monday when I know what the situation is like.

EDIT: Please post your new AAR in the Library Update thread.

 

[bowl of soup]

RGB: Just to get back to you before the day is over.
Way too many caps there, I'll keep it down as much as possible from now on
Good to have you on board.
I have a question about that (this goes to all the readers). Right now I can claim a couple of titles for kingdoms (provided I have the money) what should I do with those? Claim them for myself or release them? Or: When I don't conquer any other kingdoms should I release them then?
Yeah I think it would be easier to think of something when you know the situation. I already discovered some oddities I'd like to look more closer at, but I'll leave that for the update.
And thanks for reminding me of library!

 

[unmerged(59077)]

I'd say anything you can claim in day one you can keep. Anything else, no.

 

[LlywelynII]

a. Heh.

I know this wasn't necessarily your first choice, but I'm glad to see you doing this, because I think it could be really fun, especially if some cherubim, angels, djinn, etc. get mixed up into the action. Plus, it's the first Seljuk AAR (as far as I know!)

b. :subby:

c. I like the Good Omens style of the intro - anything that reminds me of Neil Gaiman or Terry Prachett's gonna get high marks from me, anyhow. It's a good thing you're writing this in English and not Arabic, though, since then God would just be talking to Himself.

If you've never read the Mahabartha, dice-throwing gets India in a sticky wicket there, too.

d. I'm not sure about the best way of going about this handicap thing - should it really be democratic every time? Then we'd need to list a whole bunch of ideas, and they'd just go from the most popular to the least as we work through the game... or you could just have each reader submit one in turn; or go with the first one posted each Monday... something to think about anyway...

e. I guess if it's a very unpleasant penalty, you could always go on strike for a week. So there's always that limitation.

f. Anything you can claim day one doesn't fall under your current penalty. Your second and third penalties might bring them back into play, though.

j.

 

[bowl of soup]

A message from the devine

Part I

Gabriel was in a bad mood. How could they do this to him he was an Archangel. He had revealed the Quran to Muhammad and foretold the coming of Jesus. And now this! He wasn't some petty messenger boy! The messages he brought had shaped the world. Now he was to be used as a peon for a Game! This was beneath him.

Gabriel was an Archangel. Greatest among angels and the left hand of God (and Allah). The other angels had great respect for him, or so he thought. What the angels actually thought was that he was quite a snob and show-off. While he was citing the Quran to Muhammad, the others were busy playing the harp and singing songs. While he foretold the coming of Christ, they were drinking milk and honey. His defenition of a good time were plagues and pests. He didn't have that many a friend. In fact if you come right down to it, he didn't have any.

God and Allah had been playing games when they should have taken care of their flock. Now look what was happening: the middle ages! Well at least those humans were more God-fearing than ever. The two deities had made a bet over a couple of dice. Allah, of course, lost. So now he was to tell the Sultan of the Seljuks what God had thought of for a penalty. Well he was good at that! Even if he didn't like why he had to do this, he would give it his best, and maybe this would turn out to be fun after all. Fingers crossed.

----

Gabriel telling Alp what to write down
​

Alp Arslan Seljuk was the Sultan of the Seljuks. He had two children who had no mother. Alp didn't have a clue where they came from but he was glad to have them. He also had a wife. Now this was an odd thing. He was thirtyseven years old, she was fourteen. What do you do with a fourteen year old? He was at a loss about her. "Oh well," he thought "Not that big a problem, she might prove usefull".

He was taking a walk through his garden. It was quite a nice day for December. "I'm quite lucky I gues. I'm the Sultan of one of the biggest realms in the world, and everything is going my way." he said to himself.

Suddenly everything became very quiet, as if sound itself had ceased to exist. Then an explosion of sound and light could be seen and heard right in front of him. It was beautiful but terrible. He closed his eyes and held his hands over his ears but it didn't seem to work. It was like it was inside his head.

"What's happening?!" he cried out.

"Oh, sorry about that," said the most beautiful voice Alp ever heard "This better?" the light dimmed, still bright but manageable and the sound became like the music one might hear in an elevator or a department store.

"Y-yes.... Who are you?"

"Me? I'm Gabriel bringer of the devine news, Archangel and the left-hand of God (and Allah)"

At that Alp fell to his hands and knees, his face to the ground. "Forgive me, O Gabriel, Holy one!"

"Yeah allright. Stand up I don't have time for this. Look I got to talk to you."

Alp lowered his face even more, squashing his nose like a strawberry to the ground. Muffled he said: "What honor is it with which you grace me with your presence. What does the Holy one desire from me?"

"Now look here, if you don't stand up this minute I will smite you down, and we both don't want that."

Quickly Alp staggered to his feet and gaped at the Archangel.

"I have come here with a message from the Almighty," said Gabriel "and you would do well to listen very carefully."

Alp swallowed, then nodded.

"Allah, wants you to bring the faith to the unbelievers. However...!" Gabriel paused a bit for effect "You may not, I repeat may not expand your own realm..." Gabriel looked thoughtfully at Alp. "Maybe you ought to write this down."

"I don't have..." Then he spotted a piece of paper and a feather stuck in a pot of ink lying on the ground. "Oh, right.." and picked them up.

"Please write down: 'I will not expand my realm, if I do conquer foreign lands I will release them as independent Sultanates for the glory of God' and throw in a bit of "Allah Akbar' for good measure. You got that?"

"Y-yes"

"Repeat it"

He did

"Allright, now sign it."

He put his pen down to write his name. When he looked up again Gabriel was gone, as if he had never been there at all. "Maybe it was all a dream" he said. But when he looked at his hand he could see the note he had written.

Then a voice came out of nowhere: "Oh I forgot, if you have any sultanate titles you can claim today, do so now, you won't have to release those." And with that all was silent except for the birds singing their songs. Alp stood alone in his garden with a piece of paper in his hand.

 

[unmerged(31881)]

I'd say anything you can claim in day one you can keep. Anything else, no.

Bah. What if he brings the Empire of Byzantium into the Land of Peace? Surely that would be kept.
Though at that point releasing Persia to a suitably devout Persian shah might be required.
Oh, and the AAR is turning out well so far.

 

[unmerged(59077)]

If he can do it in a week he's going a bit fast.

Haha Gabriel, the bossy bastard. You're very good - I wonder what took you so long to stAARt?

 

[LlywelynII]

:waits for Crowley and the Metatron to show:



that's definitely one way to introduce each handicap...
j.

EDIT: Oh, and one of the snarkier angels wanted me to point out it's allahu akbar... dative case and all that.

 

[LlywelynII]

Incidentally, on the subject of Gabby:

From Aziraphale's New Year's Resolutions, 2006:

I will try to be polite to Gabriel, no matter what the provocation.

 

[bowl of soup]

I like to give feedback, sue me

RGB & Lly: As you can see the suggestion of claiming those titles was good one in my oppinion. I'll have to see what happens when some of the countries outside my realm offer vassalization. But I guess I'll just decline them.

Lly: A) As will become apparent I like to steal ideas sometimes. No that's not exactly true. I didn't have any idea on what to for a next AAR and then you came around with your list. I thought about the Seljuks and the handicap/penalty thing and then the thought of God playing dice and Allah failing a bet came to mind. As for the Angel I actually thought of that because I couldn't picture going down to deliver the message himself. I believe that's a no-go as far as muslims are concerned. But you did inspire me give him a bigger role than I had in mind. We'll have to see how this develops.

B) As always: Good to have you on board, hope you like it

C) I cannot accept this. First of all: I haven't read Good omens (yet). Second you cannot compare me with Terry Prachett, that's blasphemy! As for Neil Gaiman I cannot say I know anything about him, except for the Good omens book. And no haven't read the Mahabartha either. So much to read!

D) Don't rightly know yet. I was thinking on vote by decibel. The louder the noise the more likely that's going to be it. If you want a list: how would you like to be the official administrator of this thread?

E) That would be too easy... unless it involves me doing a handstand while typing and using the mouse at the same time I think I'm gonna do everyone of the handicaps... then again I might be persuaded to go on a holyday every now and then.

F) There's always that of course. It's all in your hands I just do the job.

Tskb18: I don't think I'll manage to incorporate them yet. If I do I will release them. However be sure that I'll whatever is in my power to get them back! I will show them the error of their ways to be sure

RGB: Yes if I could get them right now, I might as well go for world domination. As that's very improbable there is no need to worry.

Good to see Gabriel worked out like I intended him to. I think he'll come around a bit more often. But not too sure about that. What kept me? Don't know, just needed the right kind of story and the right kind of self-esteem to get me going I guess. But now that I'm on the job I really want to see this through!

Lly (again ): Again something from Good omens (cheated on that one). Hmm staying polite to Gabriel, I need to think on that one :Grins knowingly:
allahu akbar? might change that when I get too it.

the masses (readers): I might post an update tonight to show what the situation is right now. However I don't want to do too many screenshot because I think they look a bit shabby. So I'm thinking on doing maps. I don't have any expierence with that so please bear with me.

 

[unmerged(63836)]

Haha, Alp Arslan won`t have easy life with such God as AAR readers

 

[bowl of soup]

New Titles

Part II

Alp Arslan Seljuk was looking over his maps. All of them giving specific information on a great varity of things. Too much information really all he needed to know was where he was and where other people were so he picked the one which said told him just that.

The situation in 1066
​

Well there it was, his Sultanate. He raised his hand to his coat and patted the place where the note was supposed to be. It was still there. That morning his court had at peace. Nothing really happened, and he had enjoyed it. But then the Archangel had come and dropped a little bomb. Now his court was in uproar. Gabriel had told him that he may not expand his realm and not claim any other titles. He was allowed however to claim any titles he could today. Well that was something right? That only drained his coffers empty, no biggie. His court was in a state of panick, their Sultan wanted to claim to titles and he wanted to do that today! So much to do, so little time to do it. Alp looked on all the commotion and sighed. Why did Allah want this? He supposed Allah had his reasons and Alp wasn't going to question Him, but still..

"Husband" said a girly voice from below

He looked down and saw that it was.. wel he supposed he should call her his wife. He just couldn't get used to the idea. She was Georgian girl and of the Orthodox faith. He really didn't know how he got her. Then again stranger things had happened today.

Terkan Hatun, Alp Arslan's wife
​

"Hello Terkan. Look I'm kind of busy here why don't you go play with Malik?" Malik was his eldest son. He was only three years younger than Terkan.

"I don't want to play with him. I want to be with my husband" She stepped closer and softly grasped his arm. Alp was getting very uncomfortable. Softly she said "This is a big day for you and I want to be here for you" She stroked his arm. He reddened in the face.

"Er... yes very commendable of you Terkan but I really need to go somewhere" With that he walked of somewhere random. He looked back once to see if she wasn't following him. Terkan looked back gave him a loving smile and a wink. Alp almost tripped over his own feet and blundered into the kitchen.

Later that day he was crowned Sultan of Persia and Mesopotamia

Alp Arslan, after being crowned Sultan of Persia and Mesopotamia
​

 

[bowl of soup]

TM: No I don't think he will He's not supposed to have an easy life.

This was a small update. But it shows a bit of what the situation is like at the start. As you can see I added a map I made myself. Of course it's not like the work of great artists like CrackdToothGrin but I hope you like it. If you have any suggestions or comments on the map or on this AAR in general please feel free to state them.

On another note. I forgot to tell you, but next Monday is the Queen's birthday (well her mother's to be precise but she's dead). This day's called 'Koninginnedag' (Queen'sday). There will be a lot of festivities and what that essentially means for me is a lot of beer. So don't expect me to come over here, and if do come, don't expect me to be sober. You can however post your thoughts on the next handicap. See you soon!

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

Ok. God doesn't play dices. However, who may know what the dices do while God is not watching?