WCFD Class of '02: Comfort Eagle & the Meck Daddy

[Peter Ebbesen]

Originally posted by Wyvern


Thanks, you know I think the Professor tricked us all, I'm sure a single province German state is harder than say Japan or the Golden Horde who have all those extra provinces. With either of those countries you're going to be a lot stronger when you come to kick off the BB wars, something I'm dreading happening in the next few years in my game. Oh well, advance in glory or go down in flames as they say

Oh, yes. Japan with a culture no one else has is so much easier than a German state with German culture. Think in terms of manpower needed to pacify the world

...And doing some serious diploannexations as the German state to delay kicking off the BB wars while growing every stronger isn't all that bad an idea either.

Although I will admit to admiration for someone who kicks off the BB wars while only owning 14 provinces (Though whether this shows guts or congenital stupidity, I can't say )

 

[Wyvern]

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
Oh, yes. Japan with a culture no one else has is so much easier than a German state with German culture. Think in terms of manpower needed to pacify the world

...And doing some serious diploannexations as the German state to delay kicking off the BB wars while growing every stronger isn't all that bad an idea either.
<snipped>

Ah yes I must admit I hadn't considered manpower requirements. You must admit though that Japan is also likely to have less neighbours declaring war in the early years which should be an advantage. Less diplomats as well to be sure which I guess could even that out.

So how large would you grow before kicking off the BB wars? I've always found it extremely hard to diplo annex a country with more than 4 or 5 provinces, even after waiting 30+ years and having max aristocracy, so I'm hesitant to try for vassalising Austria for example and annexing them in 30 years time, could just be a waste of 30 years if I cann't then annex them.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Originally posted by Wyvern


Ah yes I must admit I hadn't considered manpower requirements. You must admit though that Japan is also likely to have less neighbours declaring war in the early years which should be an advantage. Less diplomats as well to be sure which I guess could even that out.

Well, yes and no. Provinces taken in defensive wars do give you less BB after all, and it is not as if Japan doesn't have its own event-problems. (And you should be capable of joining a good alliance as a junior member if you want protection, but I see what you mean.)

So how large would you grow before kicking off the BB wars? I've always found it extremely hard to diplo annex a country with more than 4 or 5 provinces, even after waiting 30+ years and having max aristocracy, so I'm hesitant to try for vassalising Austria for example and annexing them in 30 years time, could just be a waste of 30 years if I cann't then annex them.

Well, you could start by gobbling up German minors by diploannexation following force vassalisation and only go for the larger nations after a century or two. The larger you are when you request annexation, the better.

Once you take Europe, you can polish off the rest of the world in less than a century, so there is no real reason to act prematurely. In two centuries you can burn 59 BB points without becoming dishonourable scum. That's an awful lot of provinces if you act carefully. Enough, surely, to gain you a couple of CoTs and a dozen manpower rich provinces.

Once the BB wars begin, diplomats are the most important resource, then manpower, and only thirdly income.
You need to be capable of replenishing your strength if something goes slightly wrong (major armies wiped out or too many rebellions being typical causes). Of course, as a European power you do have access to mercenaries, which is a great help when the shit hits the fan.

 

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Oh yeah, forgot to mention those rebellions that were going on while fighting the BB wars!

But sometimes they work to your advantage, breaking enemy sieges. Not a strategy to rely upon, though.

As you see, my problems with vassalization came from:

a) vassals annexed by other nations before I could incorporate them into an alliance, and

b)vassals that, due to prior alliances and ongoing wars, never become free for me to invite into my alliance, despite high ratings.

Funny, Wyvern, you should mention vassalizing Austria, but I can't speak to that without giving too much away...

 

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So that makes it two...no wait...four simultaneous AARs on the go!

LOL heagarty. You've got a rapier wit. I must say I'm impressed at the way you managed to survive that massive BB war spree. Now all I find myself hoping is that you don't let the Glutonic Knights slip into the background as you're working on this...

 

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Never fear, the Gluttonic Knights' Quest goes on - I've just run into some very, very, very odd events in the game, and I've got to figure exactly how to explain them in the story!

I've written two new updates, but want to finish a couple more before posting.

Actually it IS rather confusing, playing 2 Bavarias, and 2 Hannovers (and an Austria for fun on the side) keeping track on who's your ally, which vassal belongs to which country. etc.

Last night I could have SWORN I'd already explored the Gulf of Mexico!

Uh, oh! I see the dark clouds of the OT Demons approaching! I better get back into character and back to Mecklenburgian business....after game 2 of the Stanley Cup anyway!

 

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Progress Report: 1500’s - 1520’s

Heagarty had survived the BB Wars listening to the advice of the Meck Daddy. Of course, Heagarty would not have slipped into the BB Wars so early if not for the advice of Meck Daddy. Whether the Meck Daddy was a spiritual guide, a phantasmagorical embodiment of his own aggression, or the hallucinatory effect of too much drinking was a question for the philosophers, but the little wispy image on his shoulder had guided him well so far.

Or had it? He snuck a quick peak around the simulator lab: Legolas was having some success with his one-province German minor, but Heagarty was confused by the language filter the elf was using. What the heck was an Ithil? Minas Munster? Hmmmm. Heagarty had seen that big blockbuster movie (What was it, Harry Potter?) but it still didn’t seem familiar.

And then there was Wyvern - he seemed to be trying so hard, always working. But was he following the professor’s tutelage, or stubbornly trying to go his own way? True knowledge, some old dude had said once, if remembered correctly, was in knowing that you knew nothing. Heagarty had that concept mastered.


The Meck Daddy spoke:

“Hey, you can beat that World Conqueror wannabe, yo! Yeah, you took some chances, but you’ll never get ahead without them, now build your military back up!”



Thus, Heagarty resumed the game in 1509. Shortly thereafter, France declared war with Poland, Brandenburg, Novograd, and Corsica. Due to Brandenburg’s entrance, Heagarty invited his allies. Maybe by spreading some conquests out to his future diplo-annexation targets, he could avoid some BB points?

France, of course, was much, much, larger than Mecklenburg, and Poland was also a formidable country. So rather than trying to meet the invaders head on, Heagarty assembled one large regiment, which he would send straight to Ile de France, and a couple smaller regiments that would strike deep into France, pillaging and ambushing newly recruited French forces, before they were seasoned.

This seemed to work well. In the meantime, white peaces were made with Corsica and Brandenburg (Poland kept breaking allied sieges of Brandenburg) and Poland made peace for less than 20d.

While Ile de France never fell (the French seem MUCH more advanced militarily than the merchant-warriors of Mecklenburg and their dreaded Mark-Up Platoon), the MBs piled up enough victories in individual engagements that France made peace for 25d.

Finally, without any wars for a while, Heagarty could look to rebuild.

Mecklenburg’s reputation was Extremely Bad. Though bad, this was at least better than “dishonorable scum”. While he had survived a few decades of BB wars, Heagarty was unsure he could endure continuous war, if for no other reason than war exhaustion and the rebels that appeared in those damned conquered provinces that had tax collectors! He hadn’t built them, but that was moot now.

For this period of rebuilding, Heagarty spent a lot of money improving relations and signing royal marriages with every neighboring country he could, and some that weren’t so close but had the capacity to reach out and take a swipe at him. Only Austria and France, with their incredibly high costs for diplomatic gifts, were unfortunately excluded.

Saxony, returned to vassal status after the BB wars, was invited into the MB alliance as an ally, and accepted. More gifts were given to improve relations.

The MBs finally developed monopoly potential, and almost half of MBs monthly income was being derived from trade. Now that he had achieved that level of trade technology, Heagarty rebalanced the budget, putting 50% into the treasury, 25% into trade, and 25% into the MBs woefully backward land military.

Key provinces were fortified. Should he fortify the eventual Netherlands? He didn’t know, and would defer on that for now, but every coastal province and those bordering hostile nations were all improved.

Then came the Reformation.

 

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Progress Report: Reformation

Progress Report: Reformation

This is a short progress report, but it demonstrates some potential problems for the one-province German minors. Heagarty noted Wyvern looking over and taking notes.

Most of the territory the MBs had taken, in addition to their own home province, was now Protestant. Should they convert?

If they do, aside from the one time cash bonus and some changes in economic strength, they would cancel all the royal marriages they worked so hard for. Relations with all other countries (very important since coming out of the BB wars) would plummet. And the hard-earned alliance and vassal partners would abandon them.

So, for now, the decision was made to stay Catholic and adopt max tolerance for the Protestants as well, meaning that Orthodox AND Muslims are scum in MB land.

But vassals can be lost in other ways, such as when they convert. Saxony converted (even though their catholic missionary was hard at work trying to undue the people’s change of faith) and was lost to Mecklenburg. They refused to rejoin the alliance, joining soon with newly Protestant Sweden. Wurtemburg also converted and broke their vassal contract with the MBs, but though they refused an alliance offer once, they ultimately rejoined the alliance.

Religion would prose a problem.

But in the meantime, Heagarty was on his best behavior waiting for his BB rating to improve, but it wasn’t going anywhere. No wars, no annexations, but it remained extremely bad. France also issued a warning to Mecklenburg.

Now what to do?

Heagarty looked to his shoulder.



The Meck Daddy shrugged then disappeared in a cloud of smoke



“What would the comfort eagle have done?” Heagarty wondered. He’d give this another couple of decades, but then might need to rethink his choice.

In the meantime some old guy who stopped by the university to audit courses was giving some grand performance across campus - music, liquor, and world conquest. All within 24 hours. He’d be a FOOL not to see it.

 

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Progress Report : 1530-1550

Progress Report: Exploration 101

What could one do, if one wanted to expand, but could not afford higher BB rankings? The answer to that question came when fate dropped an explorer into the laps of the frustrated Hansa guild.

But Heagarty didn’t get this explorer right away. Firing up the WC simulator (after he flushed out the crap a previous student had left in it) (By “WC” I mean, of course, “World Conquest”) he restored his scenario.

Another decade, the 1530’s was passing, and the MBs reputation didn’t seem to get any better. But not wanting to fall behind his classmates, he diplo-annexed Hannover. His reputation remained Extremely Bad, but did not drop to Dishonorable Scum. Excellent.

Though Heagarty tried to keep out of wars, especially after the diplo-annexation, his vassal/ally Hessen attacked Luxembourg. In fact, just about every nation in Europe attacked Luxembourg, who, though they allies at one time, was now one their own after annexing Lorraine. Heagarty joined the war, and Hessen took the lead. Rather than try to compete with his ally, Heagarty worked to make sure that either he or Hessen had the most troops besieging the 3 Luxembourgian provinces. No mean feat with the Austrians were sending regiment after regiment over the Alps trying to take what they could.
In the end, Hessen vassalized Luxembourg, so half of Luxembough’s income went to Hessen, and half of Hessen’s income went to Heagarty. He was franchising.

A neat side note: Russia formed in 1534, but not from Muscovy or from Novograd, but from tiny Tyver, which broke away from Austria. The tiny one province Russia was quite ambitious and made claims in the Far East and against Poland and Lithuania. This would be fun to watch.

By the time the 1540’s arrived Jean Calvin had introduced his Reformed Church to Europe and a lot of folks in areas taken by the MBs seemed to really like it. The best Heagarty could manage was moderate (50%) tolerance, while still keeping Catholic and Protestant sympathies maxxed out.

Conveniently, that’s when the MB explorer arrived. Heagarty sent him on a trip around England to determine when attrition would set in, while building some actually ocean-worthy ships (his flotilla of galleys wouldn’t cut it). He also spent some ducats sucking up to Scotland and got military access so he’d have better port of debarkation for his New World journeys

Meanwhile, France sent the MBs a warning, but Heagarty wasn’t planning any military conquests any time soon. He had a new idea. Saxony joined the MB alliance with W’burg and Hessen. Now that Hessen’s population was reformed, Heagarty feared a state conversion, which would ruin that vassal relationship. And he was going to convert the MBs eventually, so time to take some bolder steps. Wouldn’t conversion just cancel the alliance he entered into? Yeah, but entering the alliance was a cheap way to improve relations with Saxony, and he’d simply ask them back into the alliance after the conversion.

He diplo-annexed Hessen - and the MBs rep was still Extremely Bad, not Dishonorable.

But that was only the tip of the iceberg -



FLASH!

In a cloud of smoke the Meck Daddy appeared.

“Holy shit, dude! Those Reformed bastards were holding out on us! Jesus, they discovered half the world! Snoogins!”



And they had, or at least somehow they had the maps of someone who had. Half the world was an exaggeration, but they had discovered African and American coastlines, and a whole lot of new CoTs. New Centers of Trade apparently only known to the natives of those areas.



“Man, you have to get all over that!” ordered the Meck Daddy from his perch on Heagarty’s shoulder, “You’ve got tribes to conquer, markets to dominate. Time to get your junior varsity ass in gear, tubbo, and go start conquering the world!”



And with that, the ethereal image of the Meck Daddy cracked open the ethereal image of a beer, sat down and watched.

But while World Conquest was on the menu, there was one more thing to do.

Heagarty pulled up the religion menu and converted the MBs to Protestant. As expected relations dropped with most of Europe and many, many royal marriages were cancelled, along with the MB alliance agreement. But with Hessen’s annexation, no IHMV members were left, so there was little loss there.

Stability dropped to -3, but that could be dealt with. A new alliance was formed with W’Burg. Unfortunately Saxony joined a different alliance before the MBs could raise another diplomat.

Then there was that unfortunate Unhappiness among the peasantry event. That combined with the -3 stability led to some years of fun, bashing rebels about Greater Mecklenburg.

Religious tolerance was reset, with about 100% tolerance for Protestants, 85% for Reformed, and 75% for Catholics. Or something like that, it was to tell exactly where those little markers on the slide actually sat, Heagarty thought.

But the real action was overseas - once some better ships were built, Heagarty sent his ships across the Atlantic and was able to establish a nice colony in Gander, from which to base further exploration. The other European powers had been busy - Spain controlled most of North Mexico, many Caribbean islands, and Florida. France and England split much of North America. But the native Americans still held a good bit of land, and there were still areas for the MBs to expand into, which they did.

By 1550, the new Protestant State of Greater Mecklenburg consisted of: BRABANT, ZEELAND, KOLN, KLEEVES, MUNSTER, OLDENBURG, HESSEN, HANNOVER, BREMEN, HOLSTEIN, JUTLAND, SKANE, MECKLENBURG, ANHALT, and WURZBURG.

Trading posts were established in: ROANOKE, PENOBSCOTT, and ANTICOST.

Colonies were established in: GANDER and BELLE ISLE.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

An explorer! He would be so lucky. Progress is nominal, so student termination delayed. But if that soppy comfort eagle returns it's nighty-night. He's timid enough as is, thought the Teacher, as he reduced another wannabe WC-student to tears using utterly simplistic yet incredibly sarcastic arguments.

 

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Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
An explorer! He would be so lucky. Progress is nominal, so student termination delayed. But if that soppy comfort eagle returns it's nighty-night. He's timid enough as is, thought the Teacher, as he reduced another wannabe WC-student to tears using utterly simplistic yet incredibly sarcastic arguments.

"Soppy comfort eagle?!?" The mind of an athlete may not always be quick, but it is direct. A rage welled up within Heagarty at the comments from stoopid Professor Ebeneeser. He'd show him. How dare he insult the school, anyway? Where did he think he worked? A library?

Heagarty read the progress report, slowly, moving his lips as he did so, then stomped off the the Simulator Room.

 

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The Comfort Eagle Scenario

Progress Report: Enter the Comfort Eagle Scenario

Stoopid Professor, knows everything just because be can cut off heads, or something, fumed Heagarty.

He hockey team was toast, barring never seen before heroics, the professor mocked his efforts, and he had been lead by the
Meck-Daddy into a bunch of senseless BB Wars from which he might never emerge. He had now discovered a LOT of the world, but what good was that.

Oh yeah, and the stoopid lizard Whinevern, or whatever, HE had gotten lucky and was now WAY ahead. And what had he done to the machine? Heagarty smelled ozone as he fired it up.

There had to be some other way to do things. He strained the tiny neural net of a mind he possessed trying to comprehend.

"Something said...not good...that's it! He insulted the eagle! Wasn't there something about the eagle I was supposed to remember?"

Yet another ethereal image appeared before Heagarty, taking the form of a cloud over his head. Within the cloud the following past events played out.

Originally posted by heagarty

Heagarty’s head spun. Why or why didn’t he stay away from the tequila last night? The cold light of the simulator glowed through his closed eyelids. He rubbed his temples - was he hearing voices?

He opened his eyes and realized (though the eyes have very little to do with the process of hearing, nevertheless the two events seemed related) that he WAS hearing voices. He turned his head to follow the voices.


On his left shoulder was the Comfort Eagle. The mascot of the university and the football team for which he played. It was speaking to him, though he thought birds couldn’t speak, in calm low tones.


The bird spoke:

“Heagarty, I am the Comfort Eagle. I am your spirit guide and it is my job to lead and advice you. Heed my words and I shall deliver you the world.”




The World Conquest Simulator was paused. Thanks to the miracles of interactive technology a new question flashed on the screen.


“DO YOU WANT TO FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF THE COMFORT EAGLE OR THE MECK DADDY?”


Heagarty waited.

He weighed each option in his mind, and struggled to process all the variable through the dull thudding pain that enveloped his hung-over brain.

He typed. . .“Yes”

"That's right!" Heagarty thought, I should have listened to the bird. Timid! Soppy! You can be smart and not be soppy, Heagarty thought, though he was hard pressed to think of one example to the contrary.

 

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CE: 1500-1520


“Heagarty, I am the Comfort Eagle. I am your spirit guide and it is my job to lead and advice you. Heed my words and I shall deliver you the world.”



Heagarty sat speechless listening to the bird. It looked majestic. Then it pulled from under it's wing a flask of scotch and lit up a cigarette.


“About damned time you listened to me for a change. Where did you find that other dolt? The out-takes from a Kevin Smith movie? Let's go back to the save game. If you KNOW that taking all those provinces will be doom and gloom....”



... the eagle took a long drag from the cigarette, then continued,


“Then don't do it! Vassalize 'em instead! We're talking Austria! Even if you don't annex them, and you very well could, you'll make the money you need. Try it!”



"But, last time when I vassalized things they never did join my alliance, I only annexed a few of them, and a lot of them ending up breaking the agreement and declaring war," whined the football player.

FWHAPPP!

The Comfort Eagle's wing smacked Heagarty in the face, and he/it continued to drag from the cigarette in his talon.


“Then you didn't do it right. Not get to work!”



"Did you just say 'Not to work'?"

FWHAPP! The wing again.


“It's my turn to drink. You can criticize when prove yourself worthy, like that old guy across campus. He did better three sheets to the wind then you did under the mentoring of that Meck Daddy FOOL!!”



Did the comfort eagle sound like someone he knew?

Heagarty dutifully obeyed and when the game restarted (though the simulator seemed to be running somewhat oddly) he proceeded to make Austria a vassal. His kingdom was much smaller than before, but the IHMV club now included: Hannover, Saxony, Brandenburg, Hessen, and Austria.

Shortly thereafter, Saxony and Brandenburg were free of their previous alliances, and joined with the MB alliance.

Then, much earlier than before, the MBs were presented with an explorer, in Bremen. Heagarty looked back at the Comfort Eagle, who had finished smoking and was working on the scotch. The eagle watched but said nothing.

Heagarty again got military access from Scotland, after some gifts, and proceeded to North America, discovering Greenland.

The game moved into the 1510's and Heagarty seemed to be having fun exploring. Once colonies were built in Greenland, the explorer had a much easier time exploring the American coast. But this enjoyment didn't last long. Pain shot through Heagarty's thick neck, it was the Comfort Eagle trying to get his attention.


“If you're through having fun, there's a world to conquer. Now start diplo-annexing?”



"But Spirit Guide? Won't that just raise by BB rating and throw me back into all sorts of wars?"


“Just do it, or the next pain you feel will be Ebbesen's blade removing your head again.”



So Heagarty offered some gifts then diploannexed Hannover. It had a taxcollector, which he had learned was bad, but the MB reputation remained extremely bad, not worse.

Heagarty colonized and explored some more while his diplomatic corps grew again, but he didn't wait too long, as he could feel the eagle's gaze upon the back of his neck, and he could hear the eagle behind him talking shit about him on his mobile phone. Heagarty then diplo-annexed Hessen. The MB reputation remained Extremely Bad.

This was making a bit more sense to him. He was granted military access by the Lenape (THAT treaty won't last too long) and continued to explore, while Diploannexing Brandenburg then Saxony. One more access treaty, this time with the Creek, and Heagarty was ready to turn his attention elsewhere.

Looking around the map, he hoped someone would attack him, because he knew if he took land in an offensive war, he'd suffer BB Penalties. But, what if, we sought another target, just for vassalization?

There were a few one-province nations, all of them were in alliances, but he had to think deeper than this. He looked back to his spirit guide.

The Comfort Eagle looked at the wrist watch on his talon. Was it Heagarty's mind playing tricks on him or was this bird getting more and more anthromorphic all the time? (Heagarty knew that word because he read it in a comic book somewhere).

"Time?" Heagarty asked "Is it time for pie?"

The Eagle let out a scream, hid it's head beneath a wing, then explained...


“No, not time for pie, idiot! Think about game time, what events are coming up? You remembered the Burgandy Inheritence, what other opportunties are coming up to benefit other nations? Think about those and plan accordingly.”



That was probably asking too much of the campus sports hero. He looked around. The Netherlands would probably form eventually, so why take those now? He already hand lands vulnerable to Dutch nationalism, that wasn't it.

The Reformation was coming. Was that it? Maybe that's why the eagle had him rush those annexations, so that he could add the land BEFORE his vassals started converting and leaving the IHMV club.

Of course, the Reformation was getting close, and ultimately the MBs would go Protestant.

Was it Austria? Austria did inherit a lot of land soon, but Austria was a vassal? Why take land from them? He wouldn't attack Austria, but what about Bohemia or Hungary?

He was thoroughly confused. Attacking Geldre or Pommern, other nation's vassals, seemed pointless. People didn't like losing their vassals, even if the damned things did often break away.

Break...away...

What if Austria broke away? He sure didn't want to fight a large Austria in the ensuing war that would occur if Austria broke the vassalization! And diplomacy with Austria was EXTREMELY expensive, so annexation, even improving relations looked really difficult. Why not go ahead and take lands Austria might eventually annex? If Austria got 'em, so what? They'd get them now anyway, but if the MBs got 'em...hmmmm.

It wasn't long before a CB against Bohemia was arranged, and the MBs declared war. Bohemia brought their allies, a formidable group made up of England, Lithuania, Hungary, and Sweden.

But Heagarty was confident, this would be quick. Besides, he could always pay off the other allies. Troops, which had been raised on the border during the year marched into Bohemia, outnumbering the mid-sized Bohemian army. After some initial victories the peace offers began to appear. Heagarty began to accept them, until ....


“IDIOT! Pay attention! What are you doing?



"Making peace with those non-target nations," Heagarty answered.


“What is your target?”



"Bohemia, and maybe English Geldre. They just took that and maybe I can get some money from them after I take it"


“And where is Bohemia?”



"Well, it's right there...OWWWW!"

A mighty wing smote Heagarty again.


“Look again, ball boy! Yeah, that's Bohemia your pointing to, but what's that down there?”



Heagarty saw two more provinces far to the south, bearing the Bohemian coat or arms: Serbia and Bosnia.

Oops. He had nearly made peace with Hungary. And without access to those lands, he'd never been a position to force-vassalize Bohemia. He smirked. Now THAT sounded dirty.

But seeing his almost huge mistake, mostly by luck, he refused peace with Hungary. The other offers flowed more readily. WP with Lithuania. He paid Sweden 25d (they would have taken Skane otherwise). England gave him 34D, so far a net gain.

The armies sent deep behind enemy lines took the Balkan provinces, and, after plundering on their way down, took to plundering some more on their way back to Magyar. Contiguous Bohemia was down to just one free province.

Then, in 1519 France, and their alliance, declared war.

 

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CE: 1520 - WTF?

France had been making warnings for some time. Heagarty had delayed his attack on Bohemia until the latest warning had expired, but the frogs decided to go ahead and leap into his affairs unprovoked.

France brought Poland, Denmark, and Novgrad into the war.

Poland had a large army and could be trouble by forcing a two front war. Denmark was more annoyance that threat, but Heagarty didn't have the sea capacity to dump large armies into Scandanavia to take out those remote Damish, er, Danish, provinces. No-vo-grad? Not-a-threat, Heagarty thought and smiled.

FWHAAAPP! Another strong wing to the back of the head.


“Get back to work. You're fighting two wars, on three fronts. What do you do?”



Heagarty panicked. Too many wars? What to do? Beg out of the Bohemian war?

No. He regained his resolve. The stakes were too high. He continued this siege of the last Bohemia province, though distant Serbia revolted. He hoped he could force a surrender before he'd have to march back down there and retake the province.

After some initial victorious skirmishes, Heagarty was able to buy off Poland and Novograd, who had managed to field (Field? On the sea? Maybe there was a better word...Nah, sports analogies are universal) a decent fleet full of trrops, for 25d each, a pittance thanks to the extra cash from Austria's tribute.

What to do about Hungary? He couldn't hope to vassalize the entire nation, which was much larger than Austria, before Serbia gained its independence (meaning there'd be a free Bohemia province to reconquer). Nor did he want to take land, since he started this war. If he could take a few more provinces maybe he could demand military access? Nope, he had to fight France. Hungary offered 475d, and he took it.

Then Bohemia was made a vassal, and gifts were given to keep them in line.

The Danish capital was taken, but because the Danes had won MANY surprising sea victories with an under-manned navy, the MBs could demand the tribute they thought they deserved. They accepted 112d and moved on to France.

How to beat France? A few small armies, already on the border, were sent deep in to France, basically pillaging every province they encountered, and if troops were being mustered locally, they waited around and smashed the green recruits.


.... yeah, those girls on the beer commercial looked good. Wait where was he? He looked over his shoulder and the eagle was watching the beer commercial too.

France, it was France, back to that. A large army was built and sent to the French Capital. Then other forces engaged the French as they invaded MB territory.

In 1522, as a convenient distraction, a conqusistador popped up in the Hannover territory of ACADIE in the New World. Heagarty would send him around the New World when the war action slowed.

Serbia also declared its independence from Bohemia. Drag, Heagarty thought. He had hoped, after Diplo-annexing Bohemia, to cast off the Orthodox province as a vassal, eliminating the potential revolter, reducing his BB, and revisiting them later, once he had pushed deeper into Hungary.

The Reformation occurred in 1524, and Heagarty reset his religious preferences to max tolerance for Catholics and Protestants. Just like Ireland, he thought.

Then all of the sudden Austria cancelled their vassal status with MB and declared war.

Heagarty checked his BB rating. Nope, still only Extremely Bad. Nothing he had done to ignite this. Well, at least it was a defensive war, and he could take some territory, if not re-vassalize the smaller country AND take territory. But war with France, was still a threat. If only he had some allies, but Bohemia was still in an alliance with Hungary.

Wait a minute! He had a flash of inspiration, and turned back to the Comfort Eagle, but the bird had the television remote in his talon and seemed disinterested.

Hegarty couldn't invite Bohemia into an alliance yet, but Heagarty COULD join Bohemia's alliance, since they were a leaders.

He offered, they accepted, and the MBs joined the war against Serbia. But the Bohemia alliance did not join his war. The Eagle looked back from the television, twisting his head around in the way that some birds do, and sighed, then spat, then walked back over to watch Heagarty's hapless adventures.

Heagarty really wanted to push on against France, he thought he could vassalize France, too. But Austria's army was larger than he had thought and was winning some wards. France was offering four provinces, though most were scattered and not easily accessible to the MBs except by boat, and they had regrouped a bit and were now besieging some of their fallen provinces.

Heagarty made peace, reluctantly, and got Holland, Picardie, Champagne, and 425d to put toward the fight against Austria. Then he....wait a minute!...what happened to Picardie? Did he somehow not click, or double-click the right thing on the simulator? Two provinces and money were fine, but how could have missed such an opportunity???

The Comfort Eagle flew to the front of the room in search of Ebbesen's disciplinary blade.

But before the eagle could mete out the due punishment, something odd happened....

 

[unmerged(4271)]

WTF 1526

Heagarty had been paying attention, despite his blunder with the peace negotiations with France, to the screen and hadn't noticed the small cloud of vapor escaping from the back of the simulator. Nor had the comfort eagle noticed.

But now both were staring at the simulator.

August 29, 1526: Bohemia went with Accept the Hapsburgs as Elected Kings in the Death of King Lagos of Bohemia.

August 29, 1526: Austria enters into Royal Marriage with Bohemia

August 29, 1526: Austria enters into a military alliance with Bohemia and MECKLENBURG .

August 29, 1526: Austria had the Hapsburg Inheritance of Bohemia.



Seeing this sequence of events the Comfort Eagle expected certain events to happen. So did Heagarty. They may not have expected the same thing, but they didn't expect what they saw.

Suddenly, Hungary, Bohemia and Mecklenburg's loyal ally, disappeared off the map, completely annexed by Austria.

Heagarty checked the screen again. Hapsburg Inheritance of BOHEMIA. Bohemia was still there. Hungary was gone.

He double-checked Bohemia. Still there. Still a proud member of the IHMV club.

Even stranger, Austria was at war with its alliance partners. By joining an existing war, was Austria then at war with its self. Heagarty's brain began to smoke. This was too much for him. He looked down to see the Comfort Eagle pecking/typing away at the simulator. The event was then recorded as follows:

UNEXPLAINED SIMULATOR OCCURRENCE LOG FILE: HAPSBURGS INHERIT HUNGARY BY MISTAKE?

Unsure of what else to do, he saved the simulation and would post this progress report hoping someone, even that smarty-pants Wyvern, might be able to shed some light on things.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

...I see. Bohemia chose to got with the Habsburgs as elected kings #3642 (the historical option) August 28-29th 1526, triggering #3187, which causes them to become vassals of Austria, rather than the ahistorical option (hereditary kings) which would have triggered #3188, the outright inheritance.

The Austrian inheritance of Hungary #3184 (also August 28-29th 1526), was triggered by Siebenbürgen having been wiped from the map.

And that's one interesting Austria in the making.

But the stupid student didn't notice this second and entirely different event, because he was under the influence of uncontrolled substances, a mediocre brain-rating, and the nefarious influence of the Comfort-Eagle.

Once I find out which of the honourable members of the faculty is supplying this most unbecoming aid to this incompetent football-jock during examinations, it will be a bloodbath of epic proportions.

 

[unmerged(4271)]

Dear Professor Ebbesen,

This letter is to inform you of the most serious distress on the part of the faculty review board over the coursework in your missappopriately named "World Conquest for Dummies". While your academic credentials are certainly beyond question, it is the consensus of the review board that the methods and scope of your material certainly does not belong at an undergraduate level.

This situation was brought to our attention regarding the case of a student you surely know as heagarty, our beloved star all conference football star and, perhaps you may not have known, son of the senior heagarty for whom "Heagarty Hall" is named and who has endowed eight distinguished fellowships, which coincidentally are being filled by eight of our nine review board members.

While the younger heagarty was too proud to bring any mention of his plight to our attention, his university-assigned "academic monitors" discovered that he has clearly been placed beyond the level of his previous academic accomplishments by taking your class. Normally, mistakes such as this could have been avoided, but the very phrase "for Dummies" in your course implied a less intense degree of study than what was in fact required.

Point in case: Review of his final paper indicated that the coursework did NOT adequately prepare him for the challenges he faced. While we acknowledge the high degree of success by many of your adept students, we feel you did not take the true definition of the phrase "for Dummies" into account.

Rather than suffer the embarassment of assigning heagarty the grade that would have been earned had his final been compared to your high standards of evaluation, we have decided to remove him from the class retroactively and assign him with a more exploratory discipline such as "Fun with Fantasia".

Naturally, the faculty review board is distressed by this situation but is willing to overlook where any blame should be placed in this matter. Perhaps a retooling of the curriculum could be prepared with greater thought given to the special needs of some of our students? Some suggestions have been "World Conquest for Useless Bags of Compost" or "World Conquest, your Ass, and a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study for those Who Need to Know the Difference?"

When dealing with these special needs cases, such as heagarty's, some key points to consider:

1) Heagarty seems lost in the art of effective combat. His peers seem to achieve amazing combat results when outnumbered and outmanned. Heagarty has met defeat with larger numbers of forces despite considering terrain, mix of infantry and cav, and pursuing domestic policies designed to improve morale. Yet he still cannot match the results of his peers.

2) Your theory of ignoring inflation and putting most resources directly into the treasury, while simple on its face, proved problematic for heagarty. By diverting a small amount to trade he was able to effectively master that aspect of the course (economic domination) but found himself so outmatched in terms of military technology that even superior numbers could not save him (see #1 above). While this method can be quite successful, it made the costs of diplomacy so cost prohibitive that for the "Dummies" the class purports to serve, it eliminated an important tool. Obviously a competent student can avoid this. However presenting this in curricullum for "Dummies" may have been overly ambitious.

3) Managing Bad Boy ratings: Students whose primary gift is not academic performance, such as heagarty, could choose between two paths, low BB ratings or aggressive conquest of territory. His simulations ended in unwinnable scenarios of successive BB Wars or lagged far behind in the progress of his fellow students to where it became clear the World Conquest would be unattainable. In his last effort, it became clear that even pursing a cautionary strategy of siezing territory only through defensive wars and through diploannextion, simply converting his nation to its natural religion would throw him into the spiralling doom of war exhaustion that plagues the careless conqueror.


The faculty review board commends you on your past work to date and is pleased by the quality graduates you have produced. However we feel it is in the best interests of the university, its continued financial success, and the benefits enjoyed by all of our students, faculty, boosters, and fans derived by our winning football program, that this student be reassigned and that these recommendations be made.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation in this matter. Please find attached with this letter the tickets you requested.

Most Sincerely,

Dean Dean Smith
Chairman, Faculty Review Board

 

[unmerged(3999)]

Sounds distressingly similar to my (un-, and never-to-be-, posted) examination on the subject of Cologne. It gets very very tiring to lose to half my numbers of rebels - in 1604.

Is "Fun With Fantasia" still open for registration, do you know?

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

...Do they really think I'll allow this to pass in silence? The injustice makes me rage! But a solution does come to mind.

Nine minus eight makes one.
I've got a few calls to make.

Time passes quickly and a week later...

Prof. Dumbell was walking quietly down the street, nose in the air, cane swinging at his side, when he noticed stirring from an alley. Being of an inquisitive and not particular survival-minded nature, he turned to investige.... His dessicated body was found a day later, a victim of a visiting vampire lord.

Prof. Snootyfellow was torn to bits in his bath. His assailant was never found. It was put down to an act of random violence.

Profs Countmein, Asskisser, and Brownnose were found cut methodically into tiny cubes of flesh and bone, apparently being the victims of forced-involvement body-artistry. The artist, though widely suspected to be one of the Deathlords of Mazar, went unpunished, due to a distressing level of mortality amongst witnesses.

Prof. Wisecracker was disintegrated by the Beholder Xanathar.

Profs Suckerup and Metoo were lost as were hundreds of other civilians as a Balrog went rogue in the Fellowship Bar. Fortunately, a brave professor of the university, the teacher of world conquest, who just happened to be passing by, noticed the disturbance, engaged the Balrog in unarmed combat and banished it home to Melkor.

Dean Dean Smith was shot by an imperial stormtrooper on a bet but survived with only minor amputations, due to the stormtrooper's bad aim. Regen therapy could take care of it in a few months.


A letter


Dear Dean Dean Smith.

I look on your most recent mail in abject terror. Can it really be true that we must lower the standards of education just to please a donor? No, it can be in no-ones interest. We are a scholarly institution and our goals should be the advancement of science rather than grubby fundraising. And you, of all people, should know that.

I shudder to think of what the University Troops would do should they ever come to believe that petty fundraising had priority. In that case they might very well rally behind some benevolent and charismatic leader, and execute the treasonous scum who went against the intentions of the founder of the university - an ancestor of mine, come to think of it - and who could blame them for such righteous anger?

I must therefore, regretfully, register a complaint with the review board, and I also request that the honourable Board's earlier decision be reconsidered.

I am sure that the newly reconstituted board, and what a shame it was about the recent completely unexpected losses taken by the board, will be more favourably inclined towards the scholarly strict - and may I add that I applaud the addition of Miss Starbright of Creation Science, and Lord Vader of Grievious Bodily Harm, to the Board - I know that you had some initial objections, but Vader has promised to behave and only strangle the incompetent.

It will please you, however, that I have taken your recommendations concerning the football-dummy heagarty to mind. I intend sacking him with full honours upon his abject failure of the course - including the famous vertical adjustment treatment - after which he will be transfererred to the Gardening for Gnomes and the Football for Midgets classes. (As an added advantage he will eat less, thus lessening the cost of boarding him). This should please all concerned.

In the name of science, I remain,
Sincerely Yours,
Conqueror, Land-waister, Deathlord, Benign One,
Professor Peter Ebbesen.

 

[unmerged(4271)]

It doesn't get any better than that folks!

We'll let the good professor have the last word and close this unpleasant chapter in the history of the politics of academia.

Thanks for reading, one day I'll figure this world conquest thing out, but until then it's back to basics.

Class dismissed!