It seems like every time my neighbor gets a little bigger than me, they attack me and they win just by virtue of having a bigger army, being on the defense doesn't seem to do me much, so then when they have 3k guys left and all my levies are dead, i just watch as they take everything over and won't accept any peace deals. I guess I don't understand the combat as well as vicky or eu3, I just keep getting steamrolled in any war where I don't outnumber the enemy.
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Start plotting with other clans to attack your enemies together! Also make sure you exchange hostages with potential threats, or if you really need to use a ninja to take one of their persons hostage, you could also try and put them in disarray with a well place assassination. Plenty of underhand techniques 
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A problem I found when going against larger opponents is getting other clans to join me in a war effort. Usually they got some honour but not enough to actually want to join my plot. Would higher relationship help, or are your average clan leader just very cautious about spending honour?
For now I guess I'll see if I can assassinate my way out of it.
For now I guess I'll see if I can assassinate my way out of it.
Something to keep in mind when trying to get collaborators for your plots - any ruler falling below 25 honor is at risk of their vassals potentially revolting against them. It seemed a bit easier to me to get aid from those who either had no vassals at all, or were vassals themselves rather than clan leaders. So to answer, yes it appears they are fairly cautious in how they want to use their honor.
Hey, welcome to the forums.
In answer to your question, a better relationship with your clan should help increase the likelihood of another clan joining your plot (IIRC), but the first patch should make it slightly easier to find out who is willing to join your plot. The latest dev diary goes into a little more detail.
I'm thinking they actually overspend their honour in plotting. The strong clans (those that can wipe the floor with their neighbours) tend to have a lot of honour, while smaller ones that need to plot are usually with 20-30 honour. Also vassals still do not join plots with 20-30 honour, even if they do not have vassals.
There are basically two tactics when fighting a strong opponent, that are the exact opposite of each other.
1) Gather your forces into one big army and smash his doomstack. With defensive bonuses and a better general battles can be decisive and you can quickly wipe out a large army.
2) If he has the better general and the better tactical position do exactly the opposite. Split your army up and siege as many provinces as possible. The siege AI is the one glaring weakness. Often the ai will siege one small castle with its entire army. If you siege 5 provinces while he seiges one you will start to whittle him down and buy time for someone to backstab them.
1) Gather your forces into one big army and smash his doomstack. With defensive bonuses and a better general battles can be decisive and you can quickly wipe out a large army.
2) If he has the better general and the better tactical position do exactly the opposite. Split your army up and siege as many provinces as possible. The siege AI is the one glaring weakness. Often the ai will siege one small castle with its entire army. If you siege 5 provinces while he seiges one you will start to whittle him down and buy time for someone to backstab them.