I'm still wondering why on earth the Kaiser tried to revoke it lol...I don't get that at all. Unless he wanted to attempt to rule the HRE from Jerusalem himself which would have been rather hilarious.
Waltzing Matilda: A Tuscan AAR
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This is one hilarious piece. I love a good AAR that can also put a smile on my face every time. 
I third the notion of suicide. I just hate the way that Kaiser looks - too smug if you ask me. Let's get one over the bastard.
Maybe the Jedrek will get his succession crisis
Maybe the Jedrek will get his succession crisis
Bruno actually beat the odds on the depression roll, so I'm afraid suicide is off the table as an option.
Worry not, however. The Kaiser will get what's coming to him soon enough.
Worry not, however. The Kaiser will get what's coming to him soon enough.
August 3, 1135.
Thwarted in his nefarious attempt to seize control of the Holy Land for himself, the diabolical Kaiser Bruno turns his insidious attention to the lands beyond the Jordan.
These lands are currently in the possession of the independent Yousifid Emirate, ruled by Bashar ibn Musa Yousifid.
As young Bashar possesses intellectual ability roughly equivalent to that of particularly dim-witted hippopotamus, his humpbacked spymaster serves as his regent.
Yes, that's right.
Another one.
Humpbacks of the world, unite!
Oultrejourdain lights up the Muslim Bat-Signal, but, unfortunately them for them, they're not wearing the tights in this comic.
The Kaiser returns home, fully expecting all the pomp and splendor and bread and circuses and Gorgonzola cheese that a victorious conqueror can expect.
April 15, 1137.
Bit off, he was.
Adalbero Otakeren, Duke of Meissen and Chancellor of the Holy Roman Emperor, got it into his head while fabricating an Imperial claim on a fellow vassal that maybe the Kaiser's policy of terror and oppression wasn't such a great idea after all.
Adalbero called in all the like-minded dukes he knew, and assembled his own all-star superhero team with Sardinia, Thüringia, Provence, Pisa, Franconia, Pomerania, and Köln.
Good luck, guys. We're counting on you.
June 1, 1138.
That's got to hurt.
July 14, 1138. On this date, chroniclers record that nine Ethiopians arrive in the court of the King of Jerusalem.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Ethiopians. Nine of them. Like a cat has lives.
You see, Princess Lucinetta di Canossa, daughter of Bruno, had previously been married to Loua Zagwe, the King of Abyssinia.
Abyssinia had miraculously managed to remain relatively intact up until 1133, and had seemed (at the time) to be a suitable potential ally against the imploding Caliphate.
Alas, in the aforementioned year, King Loua lost his life in a suspicious accident, and his kingdom fell soon after to the onslaught of the Ahmadid Sultanate.
Thus, nine Ethiopians in the court of the King of Jerusalem. Incidentally, for the sake of convenience, Lucinetta soon after remarried to the brother of her deceased husband.
January 2, 1139. Kaiser Bruno II Salian dies due to injuries incurred whilst attempting to revoke the Kingdom of Jerusalem from the most noble and pious King Bruno I di Canossa.
I love karma.
Kaiser Hermann I von Zähringen now reigns.
March 1, 1139.
Bruno's son, Meinhard, proves to be considerably wiser than his recently-deceased father.
As a reward, I think I won't have him killed.
Freshly released from prison and none the worse for wear from his stay in the oubliette, it's time for Bruno to catch up with the morning newspaper and a cup of coffee, and then on attending to important matters of state.
First, an appropriate successor must be named in the event that something happens to Bruno. Again. In the absence of a son who isn't a drooling imbecile, his uncle, Abelardo, is granted this particular honor, and the Duchy of Spoleto along with it.
The position is mostly an honorary one, keep in mind. Abelardo is nearing the end of his natural life expectancy, and in truth it is his eldest son, Chancellor Conone, who is Bruno's chosen successor.
On the topic of vassalage, we should also note that two new duchies were created in the Kingdom of Jerusalem in the aftermath of the successful Second Crusade.
Ottone di Canossa, cousin to Bruno and son of Hugues, was named Duke of Ascalon.
Demetre Bagrationi, exiled King of Georgia, was restored to a position of some honor when he was granted the Duchy of Galilee.
Note that his children do, however, all bear the di Canossa name.
Now, on to more important matters.
With the Salians removed from the Imperial throne, Bruno sees no further need for a rebellion against the Kaiser. He has no quarrel with the Zähringens.
And so, once more ride off to war.
April 27, 1140.
Whilst besieging the lands of the humpbacked King of Lotharingia, an irresistible opportunity presents itself.
What better time to open an inn than in the middle of a siege?
The sudden urge to engage in mercantile practices is simply overwhelming.
Hark, vagrants!
They're everywhere. Like rats.
Doubtlessly, the offensive odors are theirs, as well.
Their thirst shall be an unquenchable thirst, and the mead will flow like a fountain, as their gold will flow from their pockets into mine.
What inn could possibly be complete without a singing eunuch?
If it works out well, perhaps we might staff the inn entirely with eunuchs.
Singing eunuchs.
They could spontaneously burst into song while serving meals. A eunuch musical.
At least no chalices were stolen in the confusion.
Or were they?
A lesson of great significance has been learned.
A lesson that every ruler and aspiring ruler in the world should always keep in mind.
A lesson of such vital importance to the human existence itself that it boggles the mind that the Bible does not contain its words.
Don't oversalt your turnips.
November 1, 1142.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Since a dynastic marriage with the last Kaiser proved to be slightly less useful than my salted turnips, that means it's time to look outside the borders of the Holy Roman Empire for potential allies.
Of the neighboring realms, only the Byzantine Emperor possesses the power and stability necessary to be able to challenge the Holy Roman Emperor on equal footing.
Furthermore, his proximity to the Holy Land might prove very useful indeed in deterring the infidels from making an attempt to reclaim Jerusalem.
If not, at least I can always count on him for more singing eunuchs.
December 27, 1142.
His back has no hump. Rejected!
December 12, 1144.
I wonder if I can inspire my singing eunuchs to direct their deadly shrieking against my foes?
You should have used your salted turnips to gag the singing eunuchs. Their mouths would have become so taught that they wouldn't be able to utter even a single note.
By the powers vested in me by the Paradoxian AAR community I have named you as the first WritAAR of the Week of year 2013.
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Tremandous progress ! Now you can become a real crusader especially if you profit from the Muslim civil wars
Just read the whole thing... brilliant. There are shades of the great AP here in this AAR to be sure.
Keep it up!
Keep it up!
January 17, 1145.
Remember when the Muppets took Manhattan?
Somebody's Getting Married!
Somebody's Getting Married?
Somebody's Getting Married!
November 12, 1145.
Well. That kind of puts a downer on the marriage celebrations, doesn't it?
A son, Kaisarios, was born posthumously, but his uncle had claimed the throne by the time he was born and then had the child murdered a few years later anyways.
Just to be on the safe side.
Loving family, isn't it?
January 7, 1146.
An unmarried daughter is a lot like perishable food.
It doesn't do anyone any good just sitting there.
León isn't exactly ideal, but potential suitors tend to suddenly lose interest when they hear that the last husband was dead within a year of the marriage.
I wonder why?
November 10, 1146. Abelardo di Canossa, Duke of Spoleto, passes away from severe stress, aged 71.
He leaves behind a wife, Cothilda, and six children. His lands and titles, and status as heir to the Kingdom of Jerusalem, are all inherited by his eldest son, Conone.
Bet you that's an inheritance dispute in the making.
Janaury 13, 1147. The Duke of Meissen's rebellion against the authority of the crown comes to a quiet and predictably ignominious end.
So quietly, in fact, that there's not even a screenshot.
Better luck next time.
January 14, 1147.
We may have survived Hurricane Kaiser with our homes relatively intact, but the season's still not over yet.
Contrary to popular believe, lightning can strike the same place twice, and that means we probably ought to invest in some insurance.
I'm thinking a nice vacation home in the south. Somewhere warm. Somewhere like, say, Sicily.
The Riyahdid Emirs of Tunis have a stranglehold on the real estate market there, but everyone has their price.
We'll just have to make them an offer they can't refuse.
March 11, 1147. Kaiser Hermann I von Zähringen passes away at the advanced age of 78.
His son, Kaiser Arnulf II von Zähringen, now reigns.
What?
You thought I'd buy a home without having it inspected first?
Don't be absurd.
April 1, 1149.
As it turns out, the Riyahdids didn't like the offer we made. Claimed we lowballed them.
Can you imagine that?
June 4, 1149.
For supposed genius said to be the single greatest strategist alive in the world, he's awfully incompetent.
Shortly thereafter, Emir Abdul-Qadir signed over ownership of Sicily to King Bruno, in exchange for a guarantee of his safe return to Tunis.
Growing tired of the Abyssinians' incessant requests to return them to the throne of their conquered homeland, Bruno gifts these newly-acquired lands to the Ethiopians to settle.
Perhaps the Muslim populace will be more amenable to African rulers than Italians.
June 12, 1149.
So, let me get this straight.
Somebody decided to kidnap the King of Jerusalem?
I can't decide whether that's ambitious or just plain stupid.
Probably a bit of both.
July 7, 1149.
I want their names.
Now.
October 24, 1151.
What is this, A Song of Ice and Fire?
Is this woman a plague-bearer? A black widow? If the next one dies, I'm calling shenanigans.
At this rate, she's going to have more husbands than her great-grandmother had daughters named Beatrice.
Hoping she can get it right on the third try, Bruno arranges a marriage to the young King Roger III of Sicily.
If we're lucky, she won't turn him into a corpse, too.
It's still October 24, 1151.
Feeling left out after seeing how much fun all the other reindeer are having, Kaiser Arnulf III decides to start his own games.
Nobody bothered to tell Tunis they'd be hosting.
November 16, 1151. Kaiser Arnulf II von Zähringen dies from severe stress, aged 49.
Oops.
His son, Kaiser Markward I von Zähringen, now reigns.
March 9, 1152.
It's too bad we're not Greek.
I hear their dungeons provide an endless supply of singing eunuchs.
August 10, 1153.
Be thankful.
The usual penalty for stealing my chalices is death.
October 15, 1153.
Been a while since we've had one of these.
I'm thinking rebellious tendencies might be genetic in the Premyslid family.
King Ondrej I Premyslid seems to have inherited a taste for independence from his great-great-grandfather, Duke Vratislav II, who attempted something similar prior to his unfortunate and completely natural death in a carriage accident.
The invitation list for his little separatist party is as follows:
Georg Salian, Count of El-Arish. Brother to the deceased Kaiser Bruno II.
Augustin Salian, Duke of Sinai. A renowned intellectual.
Raimond de Forez, Duke of Dauphine.
Diether von Budno, Duke of Provence, called Diether Ironside.
Berthold von Heimbach, Count of Eilat.
Johann Salian, Duke of Ancona.
Friedrich Polani, German Doge of Pisa.
Jakob von Schweinfurt, imbecilic Prince-Bishop of Benevento.
The fact that three members of the former Imperial family are among this group is entirely coincidental, I'm sure.
December 13, 1153.
On this day, Kaiser Markward decided that there was no better man in the Holy Roman Empire than his finest diplomat to advise him on matters of the Faith.
Not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?
April 23, 1154.
Did I mention that Kaiser Markward is at best completely and utterly mediocre as a commander?
August 6, 1154.
Sybille Wigeriche, Queen of Jerusalem, mother of Bruno, Lucinetta, and Beatrice, passes away at the age of 61.
His wife of forty years just died, of course he's stressed.
Maybe a young Sicilian wife is just the thing he needs to cheer him up.
December 7, 1154.
Somebody's Getting Married!
Somebody's Getting Married?
Somebody's Getting Married!
Love how all the monarchs Beatrice marries dies, surprised anyone is willing to marry her anymore. You'd think word of the terrible luck she brings to the marital bed would arrive long before she does.
And it's good to see that you managed to save some of the Ethiopians from ruin too
And it's good to see that you managed to save some of the Ethiopians from ruin too
I think Beatrice is a physical manifestation of a STD. Anyone she beds dies shortly after.
March 16, 1155.
Somebody sure isn't wasting time.
October 15, 1155.
Hey, for once, it's a girl that's not named Beatrice.
Who'd have guessed?
I'd protest wildly too if somebody wanted one-fifth of my income.
Now, if the tithe was being paid to me, well, that would be another story entirely.
January 19, 1157.
Moved by plight of the non-existent Christian population in the equally non-existent Kingdom of Andalusia, the syphilitic Pope calls to arms all the able-bodied men of Europe in the name of God.
Who are, apparently, as non-existent as Andalusia and its Christian population.
February 15, 1157.
Wait, what?
Another one?
You've got to be...
March 19, 1158.
...kidding me.
You're doing this just to mess with me now, aren't you?
I know you are. Stop that. Right now.
May 9, 1158.
Excellent work. You've earned your Christmas bonus.
When you're finished there, head on over to Acre. I hear they're in dire need of some proselytizing.
May 29, 1158.
What.
Twenty days. That's it? You converted an entire city's Muslim population to Catholicism in twenty days?
What did you do, resurrect the dead? Turn lead into gold? Part the Red Sea? Arrange the Second Coming? Hook them up with satellite television?
October 29, 1158.
The King is dead. Long live the King.
