I like seeing the AI get a de Normandie as king of France don't see that happen too often.
Waltzing Matilda: A Tuscan AAR
- Thread starter Torngasuk
- Start date
-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
After Matilda picked up Genoa in a fire sale, the Kaiser goes shopping for the rest of the package.
He doesn't need to worry about beating the Christmas rush.
He is the Christmas rush.
February 1, 1107. The English are playing musical thrones again.
Harold V gets voted off the island, and King Malthe I of Denmark gets his turn at playing king of the hill.
May 14, 1108. The Pope is dead.
Not just any Pope. Paschal II. The Pope. A true Pope among Popes.
A candidate for Popehood if there ever was one, if he weren't already the Pope.
And, you know, if he wasn't dead.
His was the longest Papacy of any Pope, ever, clocking in at thirty-eight years.
January 3, 1111.
The fact that I'm actually agreeing to pay for this should constitute a miracle in and of itself.
Come to think of it, we haven't done much for the peasants lately, have we?
Let's change that.
Has anyone thought to check these chalices to make sure they're really the same ones we had before?
That's like asking for rain and complaining when you get wet.
What'd they think was going to happen?
Political satire, medieval style?
Sorry, freedom of speech hasn't been invented yet.
Suspicious!
I want him found and searched for chalices.
“Jumping Jews of Jerusalem”? Really?
This sounds a lot like I'm about to go back to the castle and find my treasury robbed by a bunch of men in green tights.
Loading their carts and strolling right out the front door with my chalices, no doubt.
July 28, 1112. Beatrice Contarini, daughter of Matilda and Domenico, passes away after a period of illness.
She leaves behind a husband, Prince Zsolt Árpád, and son, Bonifacio Contarini.
What could possibly go wrong with inviting a caravan of strange foreigners into your home for the night?
If it turns out he's been making this whole thing up just for free food, I'm going to be really annoyed.
Never look a gift eunuch in the mouth.
Who knows what you might find in there?
December 9, 1112. Christmas is coming. Let's celebrate!
January 5, 1113. Kaiser Kuno III Salian passes away after a period of illness, aged 26.
His shy young son, Kaiser Bruno II Salian, now reigns.
That's an awful lot of food.
Is the fat merchant coming back?
I'm telling the guards at the gate. Under no circumstances are fat merchants to be permitted entry.
They'll leave nothing for the other guests.
Musicians?
Hide the chalices.
Forget the food and the castle. I want armed guards at every exit.
Check the pockets of anyone who tries to leave before the feast is over.
Then check the pockets of anyone who tries to leave after the feast is over.
Must be a vegetarian.
It was also this year's only feast.
But who's counting?
January 21, 1113. Learning from the mistakes of his predecessors, the Pope enlists some extra hired muscle before embarking on his next attempt at dispensing justice on the streets of Christendom.
Maybe he can loan me some to protect my chalices.
Last edited:
January 21, 1118.
If they're wealthy knights, then they're not really “Poor Fellow-Soldiers” at all, are they?
February 27, 1119.
Does anybody else see a hooded skeleton whispering in my ear?
Anybody?
Anybody at all?
August 26, 1119.
Hey, he went away.
Where'd he go?
Where's Waldo?
February 2, 1121.
I guess this is what we'd call a peaceful transition of power?
Matilda di Canossa
Duchess of Genoa, Tuscany, Modena, and Spoleto
January 1, 1046 - February 2, 1121
She leaves behind a husband, seven children, thirteen grandchildren, and eleven great-grandchildren.
She sure did have a lot of children!!! That looks like a long line of sad troubled times lol.
Meet Buoso. For the last thirty-one years, he's been the Duke of Lombardy.
Now he's the Duke of Lombardy, Genoa, Tuscany, Modena, and Spoleto.
Talk about an inheritance.
He's got six children, five of which are still alive.
Oberto, 27. The eldest son. Passable at diplomacy and intrigue, but excels at nothing.
Clotilde, deceased, aged 2.
Aimone, 23. his second son and designated heir. Ambitious, and a truly incredible diplomat.
Margherita, 20. Countess of Gelre by marriage, to the son of King Gottfried I of Lotharingia.
Letizia, 15. A kind and chaste young girl being prepared for marriage by her father.
Carola, 12. A weak and sickly child in the care of her elder brother, Aimone.
He's fairly capable, but he's become a touch paranoid in his old age.
Alas, it seems Buoso did not inherit his mother's impressive constitution, and he's been suffering from infirmity for some time now.
My own half-brother, plotting to kill me?
Filthy treacherous swine! Guards!
Stay there and rot.
Left perplexed?
Or did he leave plotting my demise?
Have him followed.
My own son? My own son?
Who helped you? How many of them are there?
The cook? The guards? The musicians? The jester? The merchant? The tailor?
Did you poison my chalice?
Well, he is my son, after all.
Enemies lurk behind every corner. I feel their eyes on me in the dark.
My daughter's marriage to the Kaiser will send them scurrying back into the shadows, where they belong.
Careless?
I say murderous.
Guards!
No doubt he was counting on my death via immolation freeing him from his imprisonment.
He's back? Untouched? In my court?
They're all traitors. It's the only answer.
Every last one of them.
They thought they could get to me, but they're wrong.
They're watching me.
Can't you feel their eyes on you?
They're everywhere.
Always watching.
Waiting.
My humpbacked nephew, Bruno.
He, too, is one of them.
I can feel it in my bones.
A crusade?
The Pope means to lead me to my death.
But he doesn't know that I know that that's his plan.
I shall turn this foul scheme to my own advantage.
Poland, Venice, Scotland, and Croatia?
I will remember their names.
Their evil cannot go unpunished.
My son, so hungry for glory, can find it in the Holy Land on the end of an infidel's blade.
The others, too. The bishop, the humpback, the depraved Hungarian. All my enemies will vanish beneath the desert sands.
Slubberdegullion! Noddypole! Smellsmock! Dandiprat!
Your goons, your thugs, your hired killers will never reach me!
Never!
Or maybe not.
That was, I think, the most enjoyable of all the single-post reigns I have seen 
I await Bruno's reign.
I await Bruno's reign.
Succession crisis? Please? XD
Frankly, this AAR beat even Fairy Tail when it comes to "darn, I can't wait for enother episode!" factor
Frankly, this AAR beat even Fairy Tail when it comes to "darn, I can't wait for enother episode!" factor
I'm afraid you'll be disappointed if you're waiting for a succession crisis.
The impending crisis is something much bigger than that.
The impending crisis is something much bigger than that.
Just when everything went well under Matilda... It seems that the fate has reversed ! LET US SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT THE FUTURE...
Meet Bruno, the hunchback of notorious fame.
See, his election to the five dukedoms was not an uncontested one.
Right up until election day, it was his cousin, Aimone, who had a healthy lead in the polls.
But when it actually came down to the ballot boxes, the voters preferred to install a humpback upon the ducal throne.
A talented humpback, but a humpback nevertheless.
That's going to make for some awkward family reunions.
Anyways, his wife is Princess Sybille Wigeriche, daughter of King Gottfried I of Lotharingia, whose brother and designated heir also happens to be a humpback.
Small world, isn't it?
Alas, Bruno was less fortunate when it came to his children than he was with his choice of marriage partners.
Father of a drooling imbecile of a son, named Bruno (15) in dubious honor of his father, and a daughter, Lucinetta Brunoshvili (10), raised in the Georgian culture.
No, not that Georgia. The other one. Without peaches.
Bruno's recently-deceased uncle (and predecessor), Buoso, jumped at the chance to do a spot of crusading when the Pope asked.
Not out of any sort of deep-rooted piety, mind you.
No, he saw it as an opportunity to rid himself of his many perceived “enemies.”
Including Bruno.
Now, the easy thing to do with Buoso six feet under would be to wish the Pope well, click his heels together, and head back to Kansas.
Bruno isn't interested in easy things.
The Holy Land awaits, tempting any who might be bold enough to conquer it with riches and glory beyond belief.
August 18, 1125.
From the Pope, Bruno asks for and receives absolution, and then enlists the aid of the Knights Hospitaller and as many mercenaries as his treasury can sustain.
Now scroll back up take a look at the size of Bruno's treasury.
Then scroll back down to here.
Yeah.
It's like that.
March 7, 1126.
Accompanying the aforementioned Hospitallers and mercenaries to the Holy Land is word that the Duchess Sybille is with child.
Perhaps they'll be lucky and this one won't be a drooling imbecile, yes?
April 7, 1126.
Thirteen thousand men land on the shores of the Holy Land in the service of one humpbacked Italian duke.
Bonaventura di Canossa, son of same and Marshal of Lombardy, commands the vanguard.
Leading the right flank, Prince Zsolt Árpád of Hungary, syphilis-stricken husband to the deceased Beatrice Contarini.
Leading the left flank, Ottone di Canossa, cousin to Bruno and son of Hugues di Canossa.
Personally commanding the crusading armies besieging Acre is King Branimir I Trpimirovic of Croatia. He is accompanied by his eldest son and heir, Prince Stjepan.
Commissioned by the Sultan to lead the Ahmadid defense of the Holy Land is Is'mail ad-Daula, commander of the Mamluks.
July 9, 1126.
Ascalon falls. Then Jaffa. Then Darum.
Resistance is futile.
October 6, 1126.
Dear god, not another one.
In the end, the infidels could not resist the awesome combined power of the Pope, five kings, four dukes, three counts, one ambitious humpback, and a partridge in a pear tree.
November 27, 1126.
Praise the Lord...
...And long live the king!
If I were Abelardo, I'd be pretty offended right about now.
Ten gold? That's it? That's all he's worth?
December 31, 1126.
Arrogant, isn't he?
Well, the newly-crowned King of Jerusalem is not an ungenerous man.
If the Holy Roman Emperor desires a county, then he may have it.
We certainly have more than enough of them to spare one or two.
January 27, 1127.
I should've had him killed years ago.
Really?
The Holy Roman Emperor tries to swipe Jerusalem right after the crusade ends?
And nobody cares?
At all?
I find your lack of piety disturbing.
I won't charge them rent, but they better keep the place clean and free of infidels.
Crusading costs money, after all.
April 15, 1127.
That is a lot of horses.
Apparently the Kaiser has his own stud farm.
Who knew?
October 31, 1127.
My name is Bruno.
My son's name is Bruno.
My son's son's name is Bruno.
This is going to be another Beatrice thing, isn't it?
March 9, 1128.
Pity it wasn't the Kaiser.
March 29, 1128.
Bruno, foregone conclusion.
Foregone conclusion, Bruno.
September 16, 1128.
I appreciate the sentiment and all, but maybe you could just tell him to let me out?
October 24, 1128.
Seriously.
The King of Jerusalem, conqueror of the Holy Land, is rotting in a dungeon.
Imagine of the outrage if people knew.
Where's Twitter when you need it?
It's really the least he can do for the Protector of the Holy Sepulchre.
September 13, 1130.
In exchange, maybe you could help get the greatest and most pious king in Christendom out of jail?
Just a thought.
December 23, 1131.
No response.
Should've sent it FedEx.
August 25, 1133.
How about two flagons of wine?
How come the guards get wine and I don't?
Two drunken guards managed to catch and tie up a hunchback who's spent the last five years in prison.
What an achievement.
Love the fate of Bruno...maybe if Oberto was still around he could have escaped. Definitely kept laughing my ass off reading this though great fun...looking forward to seeing what happens with Bruno in the oubliette.
What a tragic fate for our hunchback hero. Alas, death seems to be the only likely outcome for him. Hopefully his son(?) will be more successful. And hey, at least you seem to have kept the king title.