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He's also running a Doge for the Venice B-Team right now. He's a busy man.
Horrifying thing I found today- the German "R&B" "artist" Cora E. Claw out your eyes. The end is near.
Horrifying thing I found today- the German "R&B" "artist" Cora E. Claw out your eyes. The end is near.
No links?
Then I'll just have to imagine that she looks like Vuunakka.
AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH! *sound of eyes being clawed out so as to open access to frontal lobes and end the misery*
Well, she doesn't look all that bad.
It's just that... well... she has this ghastly Low German accent. (I learned it from a Swiss woman, so all the northerners sound like total wusses to me.) And I think she's trying to sound "badass".
I spent a chunk of my childhood in LA, about the same time LL Cool J and Run DMC were starting out. So it's sort of grating to listen to a blowdried Junker tart bob around saying "YO YO YO!"
It's just that... well... she has this ghastly Low German accent. (I learned it from a Swiss woman, so all the northerners sound like total wusses to me.) And I think she's trying to sound "badass".
I spent a chunk of my childhood in LA, about the same time LL Cool J and Run DMC were starting out. So it's sort of grating to listen to a blowdried Junker tart bob around saying "YO YO YO!"
Next installment within 48 hours as of this mark.
MARK.
(Now, if only the forum clock was working, you'd have some sort of idea of when the mark was set, but it doesn't, so you don't)
MARK.
(Now, if only the forum clock was working, you'd have some sort of idea of when the mark was set, but it doesn't, so you don't
)
Originally posted by Prufrock451
And a little treat for the imagination-impaired...
ROTFLMAO.
I had imagined more arms and alien like looks, but he'll do.
WAAR of the Worlds
Vienna, October 1602
MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS.
Did you win at the races? I say, I say, I say, they've got some splendid purebloods on the track today, what-what?
*aaahhh* NO, MY EMPEROR. *ssshhh* I BRING YOU NEWS FROM THE FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY!
Righty-ho, Lord of Bones. Speak up!
PEACE HAS DESCENDED ON THE EMPIRE, MY EMPEROR.
Bound to happen, old chap.
*hssss* WITH THE ANNEXATION OF RUSSIA AND THE GOLDEN HORDE THE EAST *sssh* IS NO LONGER A THREAT.
Well done!
AND THE MAMELUKES, CURSED SARACENS, WERE FORCED TO GIVE UP NUYSSAYBIN, JUDEA, SINAI, SAMARIA, AND CYRENAICA.
Had the stuffing beaten out of them, what-what?
WHAT?
Indeed. Say no more.
*aaaahhh* FINALLY, SOME INCOMPETENT REMF GAVE PORTUGAL 900 DUCATS FOR PEACE. *ssshhhh*
By Jove!
*hhhsss* MY EMPEROR. WHILE I WOULD NEVER DARE CRITICIZE YOU, *aaaah* I CANNOT HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOUR SPEECH PATTERNS HAVE SHIFTED *sssssshhh*
A most dreadful tragedy, that. The result of a recent stroke, but the doctors assure me that I'll be speaking properly again in a few years time. Meanwhile, how about a nice cuppa tea?
*UNTRANSLATABLE *
Azerbaijan, July 1604
*aaahhhh* HOW FARES THE WAR, FELINE MONARCH? *shhh*
Poorly, Supreme Fieldmarshal. Following a cold and a touch of the flu, the war has heated up recently with a bout of dysentery.
ARE YOU MAKING A JOKE, GENERAL CAT LORD?
Who, me? Never. As I was saying, and only a fool would have failed to notice, the most brilliant Austrian armies of armageddon in their quaint uniforms and with their brave and bright commanders (that's me), have overrun Qara Koyunlu. Score one for the good guys.
*aaahhh* YOUR LANGUAGE OFFENDS ME, COLONEL CAT LORD. *shhhh*
Errhhmmm. That's General Cat Lord to you, Sir.
*shhh* I THINK NOT, MAJOR CAT LORD. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE NOW BEEN ASSIGNED TO AN INFANTRY REGIMENT ON THE DEMONSPAWN FRONT. I AM SURE YOU WILL DO YOUR DUTY UNTIL YOU ARE SLAUGHERED BY THE SPAWN OF LUCIFER, AND WE WILL ALL APPLAUD YOUR DEDICATION AND SACRIFICE. *hshsss*
Orleanais, August 1605
Keep up the good spirits, lads! Once more into the breach for the Emperor and his lackey the black bloodyminded bastard. Go and kick some ass, or old Boney will have the last laugh. Let's crush that laughable army of Brittany. Ha, Gaulish fools, I laugh in you faces, I defecate against the wind, and I am totally hip and out of this world! Invade, I cry, invade. For the Ghost of Assam, it is time to...
Major Cat Lord and the entire 1st army: 120,000 infantry and cavalry and 700 artillery pieces were slaughtered on the plains of Maine by an all-cavalry army from Brittany, 48,000 strong. The bodies of 1st army were stacked three deep during the last stages of the battle. No Austrian soldier survived it.
Venice, February 1606
MY EMPEROR. WE HAVE INFLICTED A DECICIVE DEFEAT UPON THE HOSTS OF HELL.
Pray tell, Lord of Bones.
*aaah* FOLLOWING FOUR YEARS OF SIEGES, THE ZORTHONS HAVE NOW GIVEN UP HOLLAND, ZEELAND, GERONA, AND PROVENCE. THOUGH UNABLE TO BLOCKADE THE PORTS DUE TO THE EXCESSIVE SIZE AND FEROCITY OF THE DAMNED FLEETS, THEY FELL TO OUR ARTILLERY AND SUPERIOR SIEGE TACTICS IN THE END. *hssss*
Splendid, dear fellow.
ADDITIONALLY AZERBAIJAN, KIRKUK, IRAQ, AND HAMADAN HAVE FALLEN TO US IN THE EAST, TAKEN FROM SOME SHEEP.
Livestock in possession of land? A novel approach doomed to failure.
YES, MY EMPEROR. CASUALTIES WERE HIGH, AS EXPECTED, YET WITHIN FORECASTS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MAINE INCIDENT.
Tosh. That is of little matter. Care to play polo this afternoon?
*aaahh* I FEAR, MY EMPEROR, THAT THE HORSE CAPABLE OF CARRYING MY WEIGHT HAS NOT BEEN BORN YET. *ssshhh*
Oh, I wasn't thinking of you as a player, goodness no. I was merely wondering whether we could borrow your head. The ball deflated prematurely last session, as it were.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, October 1602
MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS.
Did you win at the races? I say, I say, I say, they've got some splendid purebloods on the track today, what-what?
*aaahhh* NO, MY EMPEROR. *ssshhh* I BRING YOU NEWS FROM THE FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY!
Righty-ho, Lord of Bones. Speak up!
PEACE HAS DESCENDED ON THE EMPIRE, MY EMPEROR.
Bound to happen, old chap.
*hssss* WITH THE ANNEXATION OF RUSSIA AND THE GOLDEN HORDE THE EAST *sssh* IS NO LONGER A THREAT.
Well done!
AND THE MAMELUKES, CURSED SARACENS, WERE FORCED TO GIVE UP NUYSSAYBIN, JUDEA, SINAI, SAMARIA, AND CYRENAICA.
Had the stuffing beaten out of them, what-what?
WHAT?
Indeed. Say no more.
*aaaahhh* FINALLY, SOME INCOMPETENT REMF GAVE PORTUGAL 900 DUCATS FOR PEACE. *ssshhhh*
By Jove!
*hhhsss* MY EMPEROR. WHILE I WOULD NEVER DARE CRITICIZE YOU, *aaaah* I CANNOT HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOUR SPEECH PATTERNS HAVE SHIFTED *sssssshhh*
A most dreadful tragedy, that. The result of a recent stroke, but the doctors assure me that I'll be speaking properly again in a few years time. Meanwhile, how about a nice cuppa tea?
*UNTRANSLATABLE *
Azerbaijan, July 1604
*aaahhhh* HOW FARES THE WAR, FELINE MONARCH? *shhh*
Poorly, Supreme Fieldmarshal. Following a cold and a touch of the flu, the war has heated up recently with a bout of dysentery.
ARE YOU MAKING A JOKE, GENERAL CAT LORD?
Who, me? Never. As I was saying, and only a fool would have failed to notice, the most brilliant Austrian armies of armageddon in their quaint uniforms and with their brave and bright commanders (that's me), have overrun Qara Koyunlu. Score one for the good guys.
*aaahhh* YOUR LANGUAGE OFFENDS ME, COLONEL CAT LORD. *shhhh*
Errhhmmm. That's General Cat Lord to you, Sir.
*shhh* I THINK NOT, MAJOR CAT LORD. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE NOW BEEN ASSIGNED TO AN INFANTRY REGIMENT ON THE DEMONSPAWN FRONT. I AM SURE YOU WILL DO YOUR DUTY UNTIL YOU ARE SLAUGHERED BY THE SPAWN OF LUCIFER, AND WE WILL ALL APPLAUD YOUR DEDICATION AND SACRIFICE. *hshsss*
Orleanais, August 1605
Keep up the good spirits, lads! Once more into the breach for the Emperor and his lackey the black bloodyminded bastard. Go and kick some ass, or old Boney will have the last laugh. Let's crush that laughable army of Brittany. Ha, Gaulish fools, I laugh in you faces, I defecate against the wind, and I am totally hip and out of this world! Invade, I cry, invade. For the Ghost of Assam, it is time to...
Major Cat Lord and the entire 1st army: 120,000 infantry and cavalry and 700 artillery pieces were slaughtered on the plains of Maine by an all-cavalry army from Brittany, 48,000 strong. The bodies of 1st army were stacked three deep during the last stages of the battle. No Austrian soldier survived it.
Venice, February 1606
MY EMPEROR. WE HAVE INFLICTED A DECICIVE DEFEAT UPON THE HOSTS OF HELL.
Pray tell, Lord of Bones.
*aaah* FOLLOWING FOUR YEARS OF SIEGES, THE ZORTHONS HAVE NOW GIVEN UP HOLLAND, ZEELAND, GERONA, AND PROVENCE. THOUGH UNABLE TO BLOCKADE THE PORTS DUE TO THE EXCESSIVE SIZE AND FEROCITY OF THE DAMNED FLEETS, THEY FELL TO OUR ARTILLERY AND SUPERIOR SIEGE TACTICS IN THE END. *hssss*
Splendid, dear fellow.
ADDITIONALLY AZERBAIJAN, KIRKUK, IRAQ, AND HAMADAN HAVE FALLEN TO US IN THE EAST, TAKEN FROM SOME SHEEP.
Livestock in possession of land? A novel approach doomed to failure.
YES, MY EMPEROR. CASUALTIES WERE HIGH, AS EXPECTED, YET WITHIN FORECASTS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MAINE INCIDENT.
Tosh. That is of little matter. Care to play polo this afternoon?
*aaahh* I FEAR, MY EMPEROR, THAT THE HORSE CAPABLE OF CARRYING MY WEIGHT HAS NOT BEEN BORN YET. *ssshhh*
Oh, I wasn't thinking of you as a player, goodness no. I was merely wondering whether we could borrow your head. The ball deflated prematurely last session, as it were.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !
Thanks, PE, that was dying with Panache !
I am proud of my alter-ego self:
If you succeed, you have to succeed flamboyantly,
if you failed you have to fail utterly.
I am happy to report I have been re-established to the rank of Colonel posthumously.
Cat
Thanks, PE, that was dying with Panache !
I am proud of my alter-ego self:
If you succeed, you have to succeed flamboyantly,
if you failed you have to fail utterly.
I am happy to report I have been re-established to the rank of Colonel posthumously.
Cat
At this rate forum nicks are disappearing in the breach, Dr Ebbesen should run short of them when he reaches the Bahamas or Bourbon.
Originally posted by Serene_Revival
At this rate forum nicks are disappearing in the breach, Dr Ebbesen should run short of them when he reaches the Bahamas or Bourbon.
Bah, he daren't touch me!
(What.. baiting?
)
WAAR of the Worlds
Vienna, January 1612
Lord of Bones?
YES, MY EMPEROR?
I feel the weight of old age at last.
YES, MY EMPEROR?
A constant struggle for sanity in a world gone mad(tm).
T'WAS BUT A WAVE OF OBSCURATISM. THE ROYAL ASTROLOGER PROMISES BETTER PSYCHIC WEATHER IN THE FUTURE, MY EMPEROR.
Crushed beneath the burden of rulership.
YES, MY EMPEROR?
What do I have to look forward to, my servant?
*aah* DEATH. *hsss*
*sshhh* DECAY. *hssss*
*aaah* AND THE DESTRUCTION OF THE HOSTS OF HELL, NATURALLY *ssshhh*
As I thought. The same old song. What about something new?
*aaah* IN THAT CASE, MY EMPEROR, I'VE GOT THESE TWO DEMONIC RODS TO GIVE YOU: IF YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH, YOU WILL HARNESS THE POWER OF LIGHTNING. *hhssss*
Thanks, Lord of Bones.
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
He was an old bore, is what he was, and he clung to the throne for much too long. 36 years on the throne? Who did he think he was? The Emperor?
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Well, all right, he was the Emperor, but by not having the grace to die young, he ensured that I'd get the throne late in my life, which means that I'll have a much shorter range, and that is decidedly unfair. I deserve better!
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
You are a good and loyal servant, Lord of Bones.
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Unlike most people. They are all out to get me, you know. I can hear them whispering, whispering, whispering in the corners when they don't think I hear it. They think I haven't noticed them, but they delude themselves. I wont let anybody take advantage of me, you know. Poisoning the pigeons in the park and colluding with the enemies of state. They move through the walls, you know, in the dark, and they listen, listen, listen to my every word. But I'll see them dead yet. Dead, I tell you, dead, dead, dead.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
Have you killed any traitors for my yet, Lord of Bones?
*aaah* OF COURSE, MY EMPEROR. THE TEUTONIC ORDER HARBOURED TRAITORS, SO WE TOOK ESTLAND AND DANZIG FROM THEM, AND ELIMINATED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF TRAITORS *ssshhhhh*
I always suspected them! Teutonic Order? Teutonic Chaos more like it. And the stories I could tell about their Grand Master would make you shudder.
I LACK THE FACILITY FOR SHUDDERING, MY EMPEROR. HOWEVER, THE IMPERIAL FORCES ALSO ANNEXED CATALUNYA, THE TRAITOROUS DEMON-POSSESSED STATE IN IBERIA.
Did you kill a lot of traitors? Did you?
YES, MY EMPEROR. THE POPULATION WAS DECIMATED. *aaahhh* THE INFIDEL MAMELUKES, PLOTTERS AND SCHEMERS TO A MAN, LOST ISFAHAN, TABARISTAN, AND AWAZH, AND AK KOYUNLU WAS ANNEXED. *hhhsss*
Did you know that the cooks poison my meals? But I am too smart for them. I am immune to most poisons by now, but I can still taste it in my food. A lesser man would arrest the cooks, but this way nobody will suspect that I know.
*aaahhh* INDEED, MY EMPEROR. A BRILLIANT PLOY WORTHY OF YOUR NAME. AND MAY I ADD THAT THE PARADOXICAL SWEDES, BLITHERING IDIOTS ALL, WERE FORCED TO GIVE UP KOLA, KEXHOLD, ÖSTERBOTTEN, VÄSTERBOTTEN, AND SAVOLAKS, AND EVEN NOW THE INQUISITION IS PERSUADING THEM TO TURN CATHOLIC. ADDITIONALLY, THEY SNIFF OUT AND ELIMINATE TRAITORS AND THOSE WHO AID AND HARBOUR TRAITORS AS WELL. AND THEY DO SO IN SMÅLAND, TAKEN FROM MECKLEMBURG, AS WELL *hssss*
I told them, I told them, I told them, that I would take revenge for the theft of my pillow, but did they listen? Noooo, now they'll regret it, regret, regret.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, March 1614
MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU NEWS OF WAR.
See I told you, they are all out to get me. But they don't know what I'm doing, though they are listening at the doors and whispering through my windows.
YOU ARE ON THE SEVENTH FLOOR, MY EMPEROR.
Standing on very long stilts. Who has dared to attack me, the Empire?
THE TEUTONIC ORDER, MECKLEMBURG, BREMEN, OMAN, THE MAMELUKES, AND THE HEDJAZ, TO START WITH.
Listen very carefully, I will say this only once...
YES, MY EMPEROR?
Slay them all and let God know his own!
THAT IS ALREADY STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE, MY EMPEROR.
Lappland, February 1616
SO, MY FAITHFUL SERVANT. YOU HAVE CAPTURED A SWEDISH SPY.
GRFFF ARF ARF ARF!
HE WAS DOING WHAT!?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFF! ARF, ARRRFFF GGGRRRGGRRGGFAARFF.
WORDS FAIL ME. THAT IS A VERY, VERY, SICK THING TO DO.
GRFFF.
INDEED, ANIMAL HUSBANDRY IS ALL VERY WELL, BUT THIS IS TAKING THINGS TOO FAR. NOW, BRING ME THE SPY, THAT I MIGHT INTERROGATE HIM.
ORPH, ORPH, GRRRFF CAROLUS REX ARF ARF GRRRRF?
*aaahhhh* YOU DISAPPOINT ME, VUUNAKKA. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU, INTERROGATE FIRST, AND EAT LATER - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU REMEMBERED TO CLEAN AND COOK HIM. YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE HE HAS BEEN. ACTUALLY, YOU DO KNOW, WHICH IS EVEN WORSE. TOO BAD, I AM SURE THIS CAROLUS REX MUST HAVE POSSESSED MUCH USEFUL INFORMATION, LOST NOW THROUGH YOUR FAILURE. *shhhhhhhh*
ARRRF!
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, January 1617
MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS!
At last! Did you know that the Lady D'Organne is still plotting against me with the aid of the English demon-possessed? I will see her dead, do you hear me? Dead, dead, dead.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR. MAY I INFORM YOU AS TO THE PROGRESS OF THE WAR (COPIOUS SLAUGHTERING OF TRAITORS INCLUDED)
By all means, Lord of Bones.
*aaahhh* THE FOLLOWING PROVINCES WERE BROUGHT INTO THE IMPERIAL FOLD: ADEN, ARABIA, CYRENAICA, FARS, FINLAND, GELDRE, GÄSTRIKLAND, HOLSTEIN, HORMOUZ, INGERMANLAND, KURLAND, LAPPLAND, LUT, MEDINA, MEKRAN, NILE, NYLAND, TAVASTLAND, TRIPOLITANIA, TUNISIA, VÄSTERGÖTLAND, AND YEMEN. *hssss*
Is that all?
AND THE TEUTONIC ORDER IS NO MORE. THE GRAND MASTER HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE DUNGEONS, READY FOR YOUR INTERROGATION.
Ha! That will teach him not to wear a corset. But did he listen? No, he will die, die, die!
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Prague, January 1618
MOST IMPRESSIVE, MY EMPEROR, MOST IMPRESSIVE.
Yes, I always fancied myself an actor on the stage of life, and my superior abilities at direction other's talents to the fullest are seldom appreciated.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR. DID YOU HAVE THE TRAJECTORY CALCULATED IN ADVANCE?
No. They were allowed a certain lassitude, but it did make a most splendid splash, didn't it.
YES, MY EMPEROR. TOO BAD THAT THE POPULATION OF BOHEMIA WILL USE THIS PERFORMANCE OF THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE AS AN EXCUSE TO REVOLT AGAINST THE CIVIL AUTHORITIES FOR AN ENTIRE DECADE. OR MORE.
Critics. Always the same. Traitors to a man. And woman. And small furry animals. Station an army or two to keep order, Lord of Bones.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
VIENNA, MAY 1619
MY EMPEROR, I BRING GOOD NEWS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.
Shhh.. Can you hear them? They are in the walls, I tell you, in the walls.
YES, MY EMPEROR. VON WALLENSTEIN WITH HIS 35/27/27 ARMY MANAGED TO ANNIHILATE THE MAIN ARMY OF BRITANNY, 40/28/0, IN A SURPRISE VICTORY ON THE PLAINS OF MORBIHAN.
Where's the elephant assassin? Can you see it? It hides in my cupboard. I know it does. I have seen its footprints.
AND THOUGH THEIR 8,000 RAW RECRUITS MANAGED TO BEAT HIM OFF, PAPPENHEIM MOVED IN FOR THE KILL. MORBIHAN AND MAINE ARE NOW UNDER SIEGE AT LAST, AS IS MUCH OF DEMON-POSSESSED FRANCE. MY EMPEROR, WE ARE WINNING!
Do you hear the them? Gnawing on my favourite slippers? I need to prepare to face them. I will kill them all, do you hear me, KILL THEM ALLLLLL!!
MY EMPEROR, FAR BE IT FROM ME TO CRITICIZE YOU, BUT I AM THE ONLY ONE SPEAKING IN CAPS, HERE.
So, do you turn against me as well? Yes, it must be! They said I was paranoid, BUT I AM NOT. I can prove it, you know, I am the Emperor, and I am very, very, powerful. I will throw down ALL my enemies, and they will know my wrath.
*aaah* IN THAT CASE, MY EMPEROR, I'VE GOT THESE TWO DEMONIC RODS TO GIVE YOU: IF YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH, YOU WILL HARNESS THE POWER OF LIGHTNING. *hhssss*
See, even the most powerful of my enemies participate in their own undoing. I am too smart for them, too smart. Do you hear me? Do you hear me? Do you hear me?
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
He was a raving lunatic, is what he was, and he was struck down by the family curse. Good riddance to him. While it is barely possible that the chief torturer will miss him, he'll be the only one. Now, I tell you, it is time to usher in a modern state with modern state-of-the-art government. I am a proactive dynamic empowered caring Monarch, and my door is always open.
BUT THE DOOR IS ALWAYS CLOSED WHILE THE EMPEROR CONFERS WITH HIS ADVISORS, MY EMPEROR?
Don't be so negative. Think positively! I was speaking metaphorically. Your attitude is most unbecoming. Is it possible that you don't eat right?
I HAVEN'T EATEN IN CENTURIES, MY EMPEROR.
What a shame. Have some sauerkraut on the house.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, January 1612
Lord of Bones?
YES, MY EMPEROR?
I feel the weight of old age at last.
YES, MY EMPEROR?
A constant struggle for sanity in a world gone mad(tm).
T'WAS BUT A WAVE OF OBSCURATISM. THE ROYAL ASTROLOGER PROMISES BETTER PSYCHIC WEATHER IN THE FUTURE, MY EMPEROR.
Crushed beneath the burden of rulership.
YES, MY EMPEROR?
What do I have to look forward to, my servant?
*aah* DEATH. *hsss*
*sshhh* DECAY. *hssss*
*aaah* AND THE DESTRUCTION OF THE HOSTS OF HELL, NATURALLY *ssshhh*
As I thought. The same old song. What about something new?
*aaah* IN THAT CASE, MY EMPEROR, I'VE GOT THESE TWO DEMONIC RODS TO GIVE YOU: IF YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH, YOU WILL HARNESS THE POWER OF LIGHTNING. *hhssss*
Thanks, Lord of Bones.
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
He was an old bore, is what he was, and he clung to the throne for much too long. 36 years on the throne? Who did he think he was? The Emperor?
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Well, all right, he was the Emperor, but by not having the grace to die young, he ensured that I'd get the throne late in my life, which means that I'll have a much shorter range, and that is decidedly unfair. I deserve better!
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
You are a good and loyal servant, Lord of Bones.
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Unlike most people. They are all out to get me, you know. I can hear them whispering, whispering, whispering in the corners when they don't think I hear it. They think I haven't noticed them, but they delude themselves. I wont let anybody take advantage of me, you know. Poisoning the pigeons in the park and colluding with the enemies of state. They move through the walls, you know, in the dark, and they listen, listen, listen to my every word. But I'll see them dead yet. Dead, I tell you, dead, dead, dead.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
Have you killed any traitors for my yet, Lord of Bones?
*aaah* OF COURSE, MY EMPEROR. THE TEUTONIC ORDER HARBOURED TRAITORS, SO WE TOOK ESTLAND AND DANZIG FROM THEM, AND ELIMINATED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF TRAITORS *ssshhhhh*
I always suspected them! Teutonic Order? Teutonic Chaos more like it. And the stories I could tell about their Grand Master would make you shudder.
I LACK THE FACILITY FOR SHUDDERING, MY EMPEROR. HOWEVER, THE IMPERIAL FORCES ALSO ANNEXED CATALUNYA, THE TRAITOROUS DEMON-POSSESSED STATE IN IBERIA.
Did you kill a lot of traitors? Did you?
YES, MY EMPEROR. THE POPULATION WAS DECIMATED. *aaahhh* THE INFIDEL MAMELUKES, PLOTTERS AND SCHEMERS TO A MAN, LOST ISFAHAN, TABARISTAN, AND AWAZH, AND AK KOYUNLU WAS ANNEXED. *hhhsss*
Did you know that the cooks poison my meals? But I am too smart for them. I am immune to most poisons by now, but I can still taste it in my food. A lesser man would arrest the cooks, but this way nobody will suspect that I know.
*aaahhh* INDEED, MY EMPEROR. A BRILLIANT PLOY WORTHY OF YOUR NAME. AND MAY I ADD THAT THE PARADOXICAL SWEDES, BLITHERING IDIOTS ALL, WERE FORCED TO GIVE UP KOLA, KEXHOLD, ÖSTERBOTTEN, VÄSTERBOTTEN, AND SAVOLAKS, AND EVEN NOW THE INQUISITION IS PERSUADING THEM TO TURN CATHOLIC. ADDITIONALLY, THEY SNIFF OUT AND ELIMINATE TRAITORS AND THOSE WHO AID AND HARBOUR TRAITORS AS WELL. AND THEY DO SO IN SMÅLAND, TAKEN FROM MECKLEMBURG, AS WELL *hssss*
I told them, I told them, I told them, that I would take revenge for the theft of my pillow, but did they listen? Noooo, now they'll regret it, regret, regret.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, March 1614
MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU NEWS OF WAR.
See I told you, they are all out to get me. But they don't know what I'm doing, though they are listening at the doors and whispering through my windows.
YOU ARE ON THE SEVENTH FLOOR, MY EMPEROR.
Standing on very long stilts. Who has dared to attack me, the Empire?
THE TEUTONIC ORDER, MECKLEMBURG, BREMEN, OMAN, THE MAMELUKES, AND THE HEDJAZ, TO START WITH.
Listen very carefully, I will say this only once...
YES, MY EMPEROR?
Slay them all and let God know his own!
THAT IS ALREADY STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE, MY EMPEROR.
Lappland, February 1616
SO, MY FAITHFUL SERVANT. YOU HAVE CAPTURED A SWEDISH SPY.
GRFFF ARF ARF ARF!
HE WAS DOING WHAT!?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFF! ARF, ARRRFFF GGGRRRGGRRGGFAARFF.
WORDS FAIL ME. THAT IS A VERY, VERY, SICK THING TO DO.
GRFFF.
INDEED, ANIMAL HUSBANDRY IS ALL VERY WELL, BUT THIS IS TAKING THINGS TOO FAR. NOW, BRING ME THE SPY, THAT I MIGHT INTERROGATE HIM.
ORPH, ORPH, GRRRFF CAROLUS REX ARF ARF GRRRRF?
*aaahhhh* YOU DISAPPOINT ME, VUUNAKKA. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU, INTERROGATE FIRST, AND EAT LATER - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU REMEMBERED TO CLEAN AND COOK HIM. YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE HE HAS BEEN. ACTUALLY, YOU DO KNOW, WHICH IS EVEN WORSE. TOO BAD, I AM SURE THIS CAROLUS REX MUST HAVE POSSESSED MUCH USEFUL INFORMATION, LOST NOW THROUGH YOUR FAILURE. *shhhhhhhh*
ARRRF!
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, January 1617
MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS!
At last! Did you know that the Lady D'Organne is still plotting against me with the aid of the English demon-possessed? I will see her dead, do you hear me? Dead, dead, dead.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR. MAY I INFORM YOU AS TO THE PROGRESS OF THE WAR (COPIOUS SLAUGHTERING OF TRAITORS INCLUDED)
By all means, Lord of Bones.
*aaahhh* THE FOLLOWING PROVINCES WERE BROUGHT INTO THE IMPERIAL FOLD: ADEN, ARABIA, CYRENAICA, FARS, FINLAND, GELDRE, GÄSTRIKLAND, HOLSTEIN, HORMOUZ, INGERMANLAND, KURLAND, LAPPLAND, LUT, MEDINA, MEKRAN, NILE, NYLAND, TAVASTLAND, TRIPOLITANIA, TUNISIA, VÄSTERGÖTLAND, AND YEMEN. *hssss*
Is that all?
AND THE TEUTONIC ORDER IS NO MORE. THE GRAND MASTER HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE DUNGEONS, READY FOR YOUR INTERROGATION.
Ha! That will teach him not to wear a corset. But did he listen? No, he will die, die, die!
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Prague, January 1618
MOST IMPRESSIVE, MY EMPEROR, MOST IMPRESSIVE.
Yes, I always fancied myself an actor on the stage of life, and my superior abilities at direction other's talents to the fullest are seldom appreciated.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR. DID YOU HAVE THE TRAJECTORY CALCULATED IN ADVANCE?
No. They were allowed a certain lassitude, but it did make a most splendid splash, didn't it.
YES, MY EMPEROR. TOO BAD THAT THE POPULATION OF BOHEMIA WILL USE THIS PERFORMANCE OF THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE AS AN EXCUSE TO REVOLT AGAINST THE CIVIL AUTHORITIES FOR AN ENTIRE DECADE. OR MORE.
Critics. Always the same. Traitors to a man. And woman. And small furry animals. Station an army or two to keep order, Lord of Bones.
INDEED, MY EMPEROR.
VIENNA, MAY 1619
MY EMPEROR, I BRING GOOD NEWS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.
Shhh.. Can you hear them? They are in the walls, I tell you, in the walls.
YES, MY EMPEROR. VON WALLENSTEIN WITH HIS 35/27/27 ARMY MANAGED TO ANNIHILATE THE MAIN ARMY OF BRITANNY, 40/28/0, IN A SURPRISE VICTORY ON THE PLAINS OF MORBIHAN.
Where's the elephant assassin? Can you see it? It hides in my cupboard. I know it does. I have seen its footprints.
AND THOUGH THEIR 8,000 RAW RECRUITS MANAGED TO BEAT HIM OFF, PAPPENHEIM MOVED IN FOR THE KILL. MORBIHAN AND MAINE ARE NOW UNDER SIEGE AT LAST, AS IS MUCH OF DEMON-POSSESSED FRANCE. MY EMPEROR, WE ARE WINNING!
Do you hear the them? Gnawing on my favourite slippers? I need to prepare to face them. I will kill them all, do you hear me, KILL THEM ALLLLLL!!
MY EMPEROR, FAR BE IT FROM ME TO CRITICIZE YOU, BUT I AM THE ONLY ONE SPEAKING IN CAPS, HERE.
So, do you turn against me as well? Yes, it must be! They said I was paranoid, BUT I AM NOT. I can prove it, you know, I am the Emperor, and I am very, very, powerful. I will throw down ALL my enemies, and they will know my wrath.
*aaah* IN THAT CASE, MY EMPEROR, I'VE GOT THESE TWO DEMONIC RODS TO GIVE YOU: IF YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH, YOU WILL HARNESS THE POWER OF LIGHTNING. *hhssss*
See, even the most powerful of my enemies participate in their own undoing. I am too smart for them, too smart. Do you hear me? Do you hear me? Do you hear me?
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
He was a raving lunatic, is what he was, and he was struck down by the family curse. Good riddance to him. While it is barely possible that the chief torturer will miss him, he'll be the only one. Now, I tell you, it is time to usher in a modern state with modern state-of-the-art government. I am a proactive dynamic empowered caring Monarch, and my door is always open.
BUT THE DOOR IS ALWAYS CLOSED WHILE THE EMPEROR CONFERS WITH HIS ADVISORS, MY EMPEROR?
Don't be so negative. Think positively! I was speaking metaphorically. Your attitude is most unbecoming. Is it possible that you don't eat right?
I HAVEN'T EATEN IN CENTURIES, MY EMPEROR.
What a shame. Have some sauerkraut on the house.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Note to self: Lord of Bones is out to get me. -Emperor
Another great installment. Now, if they happened more frequently...
I would be dead from laughter.
Another great installment. Now, if they happened more frequently...
I would be dead from laughter.
...I'd be out of a job
Seriously, this year of being in turns ill (and having plenty of time to write AARs), in surgery (without the opportunity to write AARs - four times so far, and another coming up), and struggling under heavy work loads to catch up with what was missed due to illness and surgery (with some time, often little, to write AARs), has wreaked havoc on my ability to post anything according to a sensible schedule.
(My overcommitment to too many different AARs haven't helped either, I'll admit. Blame my stupidity for that one)
I know. If you posted more often, you would lose your job, be unable to pay for internet connections, and not write, or be unable to pay the doctors. Although, doctors do have some moral force on them, in terms of your surgery.
Well, the doctors wouldn't be a problem since I live in Denmark, and treatment is courtesy of the welfare state.
Oh. Then Denmark is like Sweden, and, presumably, the other Scandinavian countries are too. Am I correct in that assumption?
