Originally posted by Deaghaidh
Does anyone else get the urge to play X-com after reading this
Now there's an idea -- an X-Com scenario!!!
-
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Now there's an idea -- an X-Com scenario!!!
CR- thanks!
Sytass- Hilarious. Almost as good as the Gods of Eden...
D, M- X-Com! Ah, that was a game.
Alyosha- Not so much an inspiration as a ripoff.
Sytass- Hilarious. Almost as good as the Gods of Eden...
D, M- X-Com! Ah, that was a game.
Alyosha- Not so much an inspiration as a ripoff.
WAAR of the Worlds
January 1550, a devastated battlefield
*hhhsss* WHERE IS THIS NEW PIECE OF DEMONIC TECHNOLOGY YOU CLAIM TO HAVE FOUND? *aaahh*
Safely sealed within this box, Lord of Bones.
OPEN IT.
Are you quite sure, it might be capable of anything!
DO IT.
....
....
....
*aaahh* I SEE. A BOX BLACK AS THE VERY HEART OF LUCIFER, WITH A HOLE IN THE TOP, AND ONE IN THE BOTTOM. *hhssss* I FEEL A.... DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE *sshhhh*
Lord of Bones?
I CAN READ THEIR WRITING, YOU KNOW. THIS IS A DEVICE FOR THE TORTURE OF SOULS. A "FOOD PROCESSOR", IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE HELLSPAWN.
It eats souls?
*hhssss* YES. BUT I WILL DOMINATE IT. TAKE MY SKULL AND MOUNT IT ON THE TOP OPENING. DO SO NOW *aaah*
As you command, Lord of Bones.
Dear God! The very fires of Hell itself flicker from the front of the box! Tiny imps of flame, dancing, flickering in and out. But, wait. Now they steady and move in purposefully, every light moving in harmony.
IT HAS BEEN SUBJUGATED. MY POWER GROWS STRONGER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And you can laugh again, how jolly.
*aaah* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAA! *hsss*
January 1550, a devastated battlefield
*hhhsss* WHERE IS THIS NEW PIECE OF DEMONIC TECHNOLOGY YOU CLAIM TO HAVE FOUND? *aaahh*
Safely sealed within this box, Lord of Bones.
OPEN IT.
Are you quite sure, it might be capable of anything!
DO IT.
....
....
....
*aaahh* I SEE. A BOX BLACK AS THE VERY HEART OF LUCIFER, WITH A HOLE IN THE TOP, AND ONE IN THE BOTTOM. *hhssss* I FEEL A.... DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE *sshhhh*
Lord of Bones?
I CAN READ THEIR WRITING, YOU KNOW. THIS IS A DEVICE FOR THE TORTURE OF SOULS. A "FOOD PROCESSOR", IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE HELLSPAWN.
It eats souls?
*hhssss* YES. BUT I WILL DOMINATE IT. TAKE MY SKULL AND MOUNT IT ON THE TOP OPENING. DO SO NOW *aaah*
As you command, Lord of Bones.
Dear God! The very fires of Hell itself flicker from the front of the box! Tiny imps of flame, dancing, flickering in and out. But, wait. Now they steady and move in purposefully, every light moving in harmony.
IT HAS BEEN SUBJUGATED. MY POWER GROWS STRONGER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And you can laugh again, how jolly.
*aaah* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAA! *hsss*
This is really funny stuff. You guys deserve an OscAAR.
Peter, have the aliens fortified the Americas as much as Europe? Perhaps there are less intimidating targets out there?
The Pole
Peter, have the aliens fortified the Americas as much as Europe? Perhaps there are less intimidating targets out there?
The Pole
Good question. As soon as I'm capable of sending fleets past the hundreds of tech 60 Zorthon warships patrolling the oceans I'll let you know.
But by my best estimates the AI Zorthons have (excluding census taxes) had 140,000+12*25*600 = 320,000 ducats to use over the last 25 years. According to the ledger it is gone. All of it. Much of it must have gone to maintain their insane navy, but considering their complete fortification of Europe and the AIs well known strategy of building up all fortresses fairly equally (no matter their starting size), it is a fair guess that every single Zorthon province that isn't a TP boasts a mighty or maximum fortress by now.
Brilliance!
Brilliant work, Brilliant!
Just a few questions though for both you writers.....
1. given the continual Star Wars addings, how long till the bag of bones assumes the title Darth Bone!?(and no doubt builds the Bone star or whatever...)
2. What happened to that forcefield thing that destroyed that alian back in America in the beggining?
3. How are things going in the Far East?
4. Do the Free Scottish now follow the alien religion or are they in fact some break away cult of aliens who ASSUME human form to mis-lead the true aliens into believing they are worthles humans while they attempt to build a colonial empire with the same worship as the original aliens but with one slight difference....
They are DIRECTLY ruled by the Great Mother, as the quote from the Future John Knox revealed:
“I tell ye, the Zorthons have th’trooth! I’ve seen the Great Mother V’Chorka with ME OWN TWO EYES! And jest as we’re children of Zorth, so Zorth is her child, and V’Chorka and her Mating Hoosks do spawn us all!”
5. Anyone willing to play as Sweden and write their explorations down?
6. Will the final showdown be in the one province that neither side should own by simultanously declaring war on the one nation that stands in the way......Helvitia's Bern!? (No doubt ransaked of Swiss chocolates by sugar hungry aliens)
Brilliant work, Brilliant!
Just a few questions though for both you writers.....
1. given the continual Star Wars addings, how long till the bag of bones assumes the title Darth Bone!?(and no doubt builds the Bone star or whatever...)
2. What happened to that forcefield thing that destroyed that alian back in America in the beggining?
3. How are things going in the Far East?
4. Do the Free Scottish now follow the alien religion or are they in fact some break away cult of aliens who ASSUME human form to mis-lead the true aliens into believing they are worthles humans while they attempt to build a colonial empire with the same worship as the original aliens but with one slight difference....
They are DIRECTLY ruled by the Great Mother, as the quote from the Future John Knox revealed:
“I tell ye, the Zorthons have th’trooth! I’ve seen the Great Mother V’Chorka with ME OWN TWO EYES! And jest as we’re children of Zorth, so Zorth is her child, and V’Chorka and her Mating Hoosks do spawn us all!”
5. Anyone willing to play as Sweden and write their explorations down?
6. Will the final showdown be in the one province that neither side should own by simultanously declaring war on the one nation that stands in the way......Helvitia's Bern!? (No doubt ransaked of Swiss chocolates by sugar hungry aliens)
It would be if a third person got in on this
Perhaps all that income the aliens get explains why they haven't been overwhelmed by the revolters
if a third person got in on this Perhaps all that income the aliens get explains why they haven't been overwhelmed by the revolters
Dynamo-
1- That's Peter's call.
2- Oh, it's there. It's there.
3- No clue.
4- The Free Scots are in fact Catholic (Reformed, soon). The Zorthic converts of Strathclyde maintain their allegiance to V'Chorka.
5- The explorations of Sweden would be sort of boring.
"Day 58- Zorthon trading post to starboard.
"Day 77- Zorthon colony to port..." Repeat ad nauseam.
6- The final showdown is a mystery! Tsk tsk.
Sharur- Do I detect a whiff of self-marketing?
1- That's Peter's call.
2- Oh, it's there. It's there.
3- No clue.
4- The Free Scots are in fact Catholic (Reformed, soon). The Zorthic converts of Strathclyde maintain their allegiance to V'Chorka.
5- The explorations of Sweden would be sort of boring.
"Day 58- Zorthon trading post to starboard.
"Day 77- Zorthon colony to port..." Repeat ad nauseam.
6- The final showdown is a mystery! Tsk tsk.
Sharur- Do I detect a whiff of self-marketing?
Certainly not!
Actually, I wouldn't have time anyway, nor would I be able to produce sillyness on the same level as you two anyway. It was just a suggestion
Actually, I wouldn't have time anyway, nor would I be able to produce sillyness on the same level as you two anyway. It was just a suggestion
Re: Brilliance!
Anyway, I'm too tired to write an installment right now, so I'll just leave a teaser
Why Catalunya Survives, 1571
Yes, that's right. Catalunya has 127,000 tech 60 attrition free troops in their capital (with conscription centre).
I also dislike all the other states that broke free in the Zorthon civil war. I really, truly, do. They are the best defense the Zorthons could ever have imagined
They've got to be possed by the Zorthon demon spirits. That's got to be it.
Classified and classified.
Anyway, I'm too tired to write an installment right now, so I'll just leave a teaser
Why Catalunya Survives, 1571
Yes, that's right. Catalunya has 127,000 tech 60 attrition free troops in their capital (with conscription centre).
I also dislike all the other states that broke free in the Zorthon civil war. I really, truly, do. They are the best defense the Zorthons could ever have imagined
They've got to be possed by the Zorthon demon spirits. That's got to be it.
*spits up drink* PTEEEUFFF!!!
I have to conquer that? Yuck. I don't even want to think about what the English are up to with their TWO provinces.
I see that Austria has captured the Zorthon maps. And why do you have less than six colonists? You have colonies now? Agh! *tears out four of seven remaining hairs*
You puny sack of native-thing bones with a fancy hat! *waves threat fronds*
I have to conquer that? Yuck. I don't even want to think about what the English are up to with their TWO provinces.
I see that Austria has captured the Zorthon maps. And why do you have less than six colonists? You have colonies now? Agh! *tears out four of seven remaining hairs*
You puny sack of native-thing bones with a fancy hat! *waves threat fronds*
Well, on the bright note, you have a navy that actually got to sea and won a battle..
Compared to previous tales of naval woes you have prectically conquered the game
Well, even Master Prufrock451 warned you that Very Hard could for once be.. very hard, but it is interesting to note that it might be war exhaustion that does for you.. from the bzillions of immortal petty states that DoW you as soon as they can.
Or do you have a solution?
I was going to ask about the maps, but I then realized that you took them from a rebel nation, rather than having visited New Zortha and gotten the main ones..
Compared to previous tales of naval woes you have prectically conquered the game
Well, even Master Prufrock451 warned you that Very Hard could for once be.. very hard, but it is interesting to note that it might be war exhaustion that does for you.. from the bzillions of immortal petty states that DoW you as soon as they can.
Or do you have a solution?
I was going to ask about the maps, but I then realized that you took them from a rebel nation, rather than having visited New Zortha and gotten the main ones..
Hmm. Not sure how he'd get the maps. Did you win a fluke naval battle, or did you ransack the capital of one of those breakaway nations? Or am I totally ignoring a third possibility?
So long as it heads to port before the next Zorthon dow, it will survive...
Spoiler: I've never had a nation refuse 1300d (51%) from a 0% war score situation, even if you offer it on the very same day they DoW. Thus, in emergencies, peace can be bought - albeit at a high price. Timing, as usual, is everything.
...wait and see...
WAAR of the Worlds
Vienna, September 1552
MY EMPEROR. I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS!
Don't you have anything better to do, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
NO, MY EMPEROR. I REPORT THE TAKING OF HANNOVER AND MÜNSTER FROM KLEVES, OSTMARCH AND MAINZ FROM HESSEN, THE DIPLOMATIC ANNEXATION OF GENOA, AND THE ANNEXATION OF HELVETIA.
How quaint, how about
*aah* NO, MY EMPEROR. I DIDN'T SEE ANY ANGELS, BEASTS RIDING FORTH, INVISIBLE FLAMING SWORDS, NOR SIGNS OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE, EXCEPT FOR THE PRESENCE OF THE DEMONS. *hhsss*
Well, in that case, do you have anything of substance to tell me at all?
AUSTRIA IS AT PEACE.
Peace?
THE BRIEF INTERLUDE BETWEEN WARS, THE REARMAMENT PHASE.
Oh that. I'd quite forgotten what peace felt like after these seven years of war! See that it doesn't happen again.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, April 1553
I'm at war again!? Against Mecklenburg & Co. ?
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, May 1553
Scotland as well, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
YES, MY EMPEROR. THE SO-CALLED NATIONS THAT HAVE ARISEN FROM THE DEMONSPAWN CIVIL WAR AREN'T LED BY TRUE HUMANS. THEY HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS.
Allll right. And that's bad, I take it?
YES, MY EMPEROR: VERY BAD. THEY UTILISE THE INFERNAL WEAPONRY BUT USE HUMAN BODIES FOR SOLDIERS, WHICH MEANS THEY ARE MORE NUMEROUS THAN THE DEMONS THEMSELVES.
Okay, bad. I just wanted to be sure. Don't you think this might be one of the signs?
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, August 1554
Emperor! It has gone too far! The Lord of Bones must be stopped. He is leading Austria ever deeper into the Abyss
I thought that was where we were headed anyway, Count Dynamo, it is the last days, after all.
Quite. However, sacrificing thousands of soldiers to his vainglorious dreams of conquest against the entire world is madness. Madness! Emperor.
Do you have a point, Count Dynamo?
I'm telling you, that unless you remove that monstrosity from his position posthaste, you will be facing a political crisis!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, COUNT.
Hah! See him being carried in by his minions, the unholy creature. My strength is as ten because my cause is just!
SO MOTE IT BE.
Arrrrgghhh. No! Not the..the...the....
THUS PERISH ALL OPPOSITION, MY EMPEROR. NOTICE: HIS STRENGTH WAS ONLY AS FOUR. THUS, BY IMPLICATION, HIS CAUSE WAS UNJUST.
Good point, Supreme Fieldmarshal. But what about this Political Crisis?
LEAVE THAT TO ME, MY EMPEROR.
Augsburg, January 1555
*hhhssss* ON BEHALF OF THE EMPEROR: THE RELIGIOUS STRIFE IN EUROPE WILL END. WHILE THE PROTESTANT DELEGATES HAVE MADE MANY INTERESTING POINTS, THEY ARE NEVERTHELESS IN A SUBSTANTIAL MINORITY. THUS IN THE SPIRIT OF COOPERATION AND UNIVERSAL GOODWILL, THE RELIGIOUS PEACE TERMS ARE AS FOLLOWS: THERE IS ONLY ONE RELIGION, CATHOLICISM. *aaah*
SO CONVERT TO THE TRUE FAITH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE OR BE CONVERTED. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Vienna, January 1556
LISTEN TO ME WELL, GENERALS. I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING A FLEXIBLE FRONTIER STRATEGY BASED ON HIGH QUALITY RAPID REACTION FORCES. *aaah* THE EMPEROR WILL HEAR NOTHING OF IT, AND NEITHER WILL I. *hhsss* AUSTRIA WILL CONTINUE TO USE A CENTRALISED DEFENSIVE STRATEGY.
But, Lord of Bones, this will dramatically lower the quality of our troops!
*hhsss* JUST DO IT, GENERAL SHACKLES *aaah*
Vienna, October 1556
It was a dark and stormy night, but then it would be, wouldn't it? While sunny and a gentle breeze may be all right for some occasions, for others only one sort of weather will do. And this dark and stormy night was dark and stormy with a vengeance, having been excluded from the narrative ever since 1419.
Have you brought momentous news, again, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
*aah* AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY EMPEROR, YES. *hhssss*
Regarding conquests, annexations, bloody wars and such?
VERY PERSPIRACIOUS, EMPEROR. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my plan...
REALLY?
Not hardly. Just a qualified guess, really. Well, whatever. Unless Austria is at peace, I couldn't care less. I've had a vision, you see.
*hhsss* NOT BEING AT PEACE, MY EMPEROR, I ASK OF YOU: WHAT VISION? *aaah*
I saw myself in a strange place, throwing lightning and glorying in my power, which had brought me domination over everything.
TELL ME MORE, MY EMPEROR.
You were there, by my side, standing tall and strong, and nobody could stand against us. Some demon-possessed one-handed punk with a demonclaw replacing a truehand attacked us in a last-ditch attempt to bring the plans of his demonic masters to fruition.
INTERESTING.
To me, it is clear. It is a sign from God that together we may prevail against the Legions of Hell, thus halting the encroaching darkness.
*aah* MY EMPEROR: TELL ME MORE *hhss*
Yet it will take much hard work to bring this about. In my vision I saw you fail against the demon-punk in a battle with swords of light, before I brought my powers to bear upon him.
UNFORTUNATE THAT I MUST FALL, YET A SMALL PRICE FOR VICTORY.
As I see it, Supreme Fieldmarshal. We have three immediate problems. One, to get you a mobile body
I'LL GET SOME OF THE ARTIFICERS WORKING ON IT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, MY EMPEROR.
Two, design swords of light.
A TASK FOR THE PRIESTS.
Quite. And three, I need to learn how to throw lighting.
I THINK I CAN HELP YOU THERE, MY EMPEROR. AMONGST THE WRECKAGE LEFT BY THE DEMONS, I HAVE FOUND THAT WHICH MAY HELP DEVELOP THESE POWERS.
...
Sure is cold up here on the parapet, isn't it, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
*hsss* I WOULDN'T KNOW, MY EMPEROR. *ssshh*
What with the heavy rain, the roar of the storm, the dark and cloudy night sky, and the sound of wolves howling from the forest.
THERE IS NO FOREST WITHIN MILES, MY EMPEROR.
Whatever. Now, what was I to do again?
TAKE THESE DEMONIC RODS. THRUST THEM TOWARDS THE HEAVENS TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE LIGHTNING, THEN POINT THEM AS YOU DIRECT THE FORCE.
Oh, right. Let's see left hand, check. Right hand, check. In the name of God!
With an ear-shattering boom, the storm releases its pent-up lightning with a vengeance. Stabbing down from the heavens, once, twice, thrice, a dozen times, nay a score, the lightning flows through the lightning rods and through the Emperor Karl V
Supreme Fieldmarshal! I can feel the Force within me! Noooooooooooooo
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
And now he's dead, and I'm in command! By golly, this is going to be G R E A T !
AS YOU SAY, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, March 1560
MY EMPEROR, I BRING MOMENTOUS NEWS.
Right on! I've never had you bring me momentous news before, but I've heard all about it. I have my sources, you know, or my name isn't Ferdinand.
*aaah* THE EMPIRE HAS DIPLOMATICALLY ANNEXED FRANCE, TAKEN SIX TRADING POSTS FROM MECKLENBURG, ANNEXED MANTUA, ANNEXED SAVOY *hhhsss* ANNEXED DULKADIR,
Is that all?
TAKEN ADANA AND TRABZON FROM THE OTTOMANS, ANNEXED SAXONY, TAKEN GALICIEN, POZNAN, and *aaah* WIELPOLSKI FROM POLAND...
That is old news. You did that before I became Emperor. Haven't you done anything since?
KILLED REBELS, MY EMPEROR, AND ANNEXED MOLDAVIA AND GEORGIA.
That's not very impressive, Supreme Fieldmarshal.
*aaaahhh* AND WHEN THE DUTCH NOBILITY DEMANDED GENERAL ESTATES, I SHOWED NO MERCY AND GAVE THEM NO CONCESSIONS, WHICH MEANS THAT NOW THEY FEEL THE STEEL GLOVE OF THE EMPIRE, AND THUS THE EMPEROR, ON AN ALMOST DAILY BASIS. *hhhhssss*
That's better.
THUS, AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF WARS, AUSTRIA IS A PEACE.
What a shame. But it won't last, will it? The ladies of the court are so impressed by conquests, that I need a few conquests to fuel my conquests, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do.
*aaah* I WOULDN'T COUNT ON A LASTING PEACE, NO. *hhsssss*
This is going to be G R E A T !
Vienna, September 1552
MY EMPEROR. I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS!
Don't you have anything better to do, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
NO, MY EMPEROR. I REPORT THE TAKING OF HANNOVER AND MÜNSTER FROM KLEVES, OSTMARCH AND MAINZ FROM HESSEN, THE DIPLOMATIC ANNEXATION OF GENOA, AND THE ANNEXATION OF HELVETIA.
How quaint, how about
*aah* NO, MY EMPEROR. I DIDN'T SEE ANY ANGELS, BEASTS RIDING FORTH, INVISIBLE FLAMING SWORDS, NOR SIGNS OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE, EXCEPT FOR THE PRESENCE OF THE DEMONS. *hhsss*
Well, in that case, do you have anything of substance to tell me at all?
AUSTRIA IS AT PEACE.
Peace?
THE BRIEF INTERLUDE BETWEEN WARS, THE REARMAMENT PHASE.
Oh that. I'd quite forgotten what peace felt like after these seven years of war! See that it doesn't happen again.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, April 1553
I'm at war again!? Against Mecklenburg & Co. ?
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, May 1553
Scotland as well, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
YES, MY EMPEROR. THE SO-CALLED NATIONS THAT HAVE ARISEN FROM THE DEMONSPAWN CIVIL WAR AREN'T LED BY TRUE HUMANS. THEY HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS.
Allll right. And that's bad, I take it?
YES, MY EMPEROR: VERY BAD. THEY UTILISE THE INFERNAL WEAPONRY BUT USE HUMAN BODIES FOR SOLDIERS, WHICH MEANS THEY ARE MORE NUMEROUS THAN THE DEMONS THEMSELVES.
Okay, bad. I just wanted to be sure. Don't you think this might be one of the signs?
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, August 1554
Emperor! It has gone too far! The Lord of Bones must be stopped. He is leading Austria ever deeper into the Abyss
I thought that was where we were headed anyway, Count Dynamo, it is the last days, after all.
Quite. However, sacrificing thousands of soldiers to his vainglorious dreams of conquest against the entire world is madness. Madness! Emperor.
Do you have a point, Count Dynamo?
I'm telling you, that unless you remove that monstrosity from his position posthaste, you will be facing a political crisis!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, COUNT.
Hah! See him being carried in by his minions, the unholy creature. My strength is as ten because my cause is just!
SO MOTE IT BE.
Arrrrgghhh. No! Not the..the...the....
THUS PERISH ALL OPPOSITION, MY EMPEROR. NOTICE: HIS STRENGTH WAS ONLY AS FOUR. THUS, BY IMPLICATION, HIS CAUSE WAS UNJUST.
Good point, Supreme Fieldmarshal. But what about this Political Crisis?
LEAVE THAT TO ME, MY EMPEROR.
Augsburg, January 1555
*hhhssss* ON BEHALF OF THE EMPEROR: THE RELIGIOUS STRIFE IN EUROPE WILL END. WHILE THE PROTESTANT DELEGATES HAVE MADE MANY INTERESTING POINTS, THEY ARE NEVERTHELESS IN A SUBSTANTIAL MINORITY. THUS IN THE SPIRIT OF COOPERATION AND UNIVERSAL GOODWILL, THE RELIGIOUS PEACE TERMS ARE AS FOLLOWS: THERE IS ONLY ONE RELIGION, CATHOLICISM. *aaah*
SO CONVERT TO THE TRUE FAITH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE OR BE CONVERTED. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Vienna, January 1556
LISTEN TO ME WELL, GENERALS. I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING A FLEXIBLE FRONTIER STRATEGY BASED ON HIGH QUALITY RAPID REACTION FORCES. *aaah* THE EMPEROR WILL HEAR NOTHING OF IT, AND NEITHER WILL I. *hhsss* AUSTRIA WILL CONTINUE TO USE A CENTRALISED DEFENSIVE STRATEGY.
But, Lord of Bones, this will dramatically lower the quality of our troops!
*hhsss* JUST DO IT, GENERAL SHACKLES *aaah*
Vienna, October 1556
It was a dark and stormy night, but then it would be, wouldn't it? While sunny and a gentle breeze may be all right for some occasions, for others only one sort of weather will do. And this dark and stormy night was dark and stormy with a vengeance, having been excluded from the narrative ever since 1419.
Have you brought momentous news, again, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
*aah* AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY EMPEROR, YES. *hhssss*
Regarding conquests, annexations, bloody wars and such?
VERY PERSPIRACIOUS, EMPEROR. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my plan...
REALLY?
Not hardly. Just a qualified guess, really. Well, whatever. Unless Austria is at peace, I couldn't care less. I've had a vision, you see.
*hhsss* NOT BEING AT PEACE, MY EMPEROR, I ASK OF YOU: WHAT VISION? *aaah*
I saw myself in a strange place, throwing lightning and glorying in my power, which had brought me domination over everything.
TELL ME MORE, MY EMPEROR.
You were there, by my side, standing tall and strong, and nobody could stand against us. Some demon-possessed one-handed punk with a demonclaw replacing a truehand attacked us in a last-ditch attempt to bring the plans of his demonic masters to fruition.
INTERESTING.
To me, it is clear. It is a sign from God that together we may prevail against the Legions of Hell, thus halting the encroaching darkness.
*aah* MY EMPEROR: TELL ME MORE *hhss*
Yet it will take much hard work to bring this about. In my vision I saw you fail against the demon-punk in a battle with swords of light, before I brought my powers to bear upon him.
UNFORTUNATE THAT I MUST FALL, YET A SMALL PRICE FOR VICTORY.
As I see it, Supreme Fieldmarshal. We have three immediate problems. One, to get you a mobile body
I'LL GET SOME OF THE ARTIFICERS WORKING ON IT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, MY EMPEROR.
Two, design swords of light.
A TASK FOR THE PRIESTS.
Quite. And three, I need to learn how to throw lighting.
I THINK I CAN HELP YOU THERE, MY EMPEROR. AMONGST THE WRECKAGE LEFT BY THE DEMONS, I HAVE FOUND THAT WHICH MAY HELP DEVELOP THESE POWERS.
...
Sure is cold up here on the parapet, isn't it, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
*hsss* I WOULDN'T KNOW, MY EMPEROR. *ssshh*
What with the heavy rain, the roar of the storm, the dark and cloudy night sky, and the sound of wolves howling from the forest.
THERE IS NO FOREST WITHIN MILES, MY EMPEROR.
Whatever. Now, what was I to do again?
TAKE THESE DEMONIC RODS. THRUST THEM TOWARDS THE HEAVENS TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE LIGHTNING, THEN POINT THEM AS YOU DIRECT THE FORCE.
Oh, right. Let's see left hand, check. Right hand, check. In the name of God!
With an ear-shattering boom, the storm releases its pent-up lightning with a vengeance. Stabbing down from the heavens, once, twice, thrice, a dozen times, nay a score, the lightning flows through the lightning rods and through the Emperor Karl V
Supreme Fieldmarshal! I can feel the Force within me! Noooooooooooooo
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
And now he's dead, and I'm in command! By golly, this is going to be G R E A T !
AS YOU SAY, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, March 1560
MY EMPEROR, I BRING MOMENTOUS NEWS.
Right on! I've never had you bring me momentous news before, but I've heard all about it. I have my sources, you know, or my name isn't Ferdinand.
*aaah* THE EMPIRE HAS DIPLOMATICALLY ANNEXED FRANCE, TAKEN SIX TRADING POSTS FROM MECKLENBURG, ANNEXED MANTUA, ANNEXED SAVOY *hhhsss* ANNEXED DULKADIR,
Is that all?
TAKEN ADANA AND TRABZON FROM THE OTTOMANS, ANNEXED SAXONY, TAKEN GALICIEN, POZNAN, and *aaah* WIELPOLSKI FROM POLAND...
That is old news. You did that before I became Emperor. Haven't you done anything since?
KILLED REBELS, MY EMPEROR, AND ANNEXED MOLDAVIA AND GEORGIA.
That's not very impressive, Supreme Fieldmarshal.
*aaaahhh* AND WHEN THE DUTCH NOBILITY DEMANDED GENERAL ESTATES, I SHOWED NO MERCY AND GAVE THEM NO CONCESSIONS, WHICH MEANS THAT NOW THEY FEEL THE STEEL GLOVE OF THE EMPIRE, AND THUS THE EMPEROR, ON AN ALMOST DAILY BASIS. *hhhhssss*
That's better.
THUS, AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF WARS, AUSTRIA IS A PEACE.
What a shame. But it won't last, will it? The ladies of the court are so impressed by conquests, that I need a few conquests to fuel my conquests, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do.
*aaah* I WOULDN'T COUNT ON A LASTING PEACE, NO. *hhsssss*
This is going to be G R E A T !
That's it. I've lost my mind. I can tell because I saw the lightning rod gag before it happened, and whenever I predict something in THIS weird an AAR, I know I'm in trouble...
Hilarious!
Hilarious!
The poor bastard obviously forgot that the goal was to throw lightnings, not to be hit by them.
Hilarious. I'm awaiting the appearance of a small green goblin...
Hilarious. I'm awaiting the appearance of a small green goblin...
Green goblin . . . of course he needs to have that uniquely mangled sentence construction.
Great work to both of you. Truly inspired stuff.
Some Jawas would be nice to.
Great work to both of you. Truly inspired stuff.
Some Jawas would be nice to.