WAAR of the Worlds

[Prufrock451]

WAAR of the Worlds

December 1542

"Veenok?"

"Yeah."

"Is it just me or are you more... distant... these days?"

"I'm BUSY."

"Ahem...?"

"I'm BUSY... Lord Zeebon."

"Well, it's no excuse to be rude. Are you still sore over that last war?"

"Why would I be sore? We only lost three provinces after spending huge amounts on those fortifications. In the time they can take one of our provinces, we can take three of theirs. And yet you whisk off our troops immediately to attack... GENOA."

"Well, we ended up in the black."

"Lord Zeebon. With all respect. Austria is the threat here. We should be attacking AUSTRIA. What kind of message does it send when we threaten them and warn them and finally, declare war on them and then NOT ATTACK THEM?" Zeebon scratched his frill.

"Um... 'Next time you'll get it?' " Veenok sighed. "Well, sulk if you want. I've got important things to do." Zeebon left the office, sweeping his k'morg behind him dramatically. Veenok glared at his retreating back and muttered to himself.

"I just can't take this."

 

[Norgesvenn]

What's a k'morg?

I just have to echo MrT; the two of you are doing a great job entertaining us mortals.

You are deities, aren't you?

 

[Prufrock451]

Originally posted by Norgesvenn
What's a k'morg?

If you have to ask, you'll never know.

It's sort of like a cape, I think. But less cape-y and more k'morg-y.

 

[unmerged(7996)]

The Vader...errr...Lord Bones Lackhand post got me to LOL...several times.

 

[Prufrock451]

I have to echo Backpack. Well done, Peter! heehee.

And Norgesvenn, I've just gone through the boxes in my closet, dug out Deities and Demigods, and I don't see either Peter or myself anywhere in here. Not in the Babylonian mythos, or the Japanese mythos, or the Troll mythos, or the Drow mythos...

I can conclusively say that if D&D doesn't list either of us as a god, then we're not gods. I do, however, have a staff of +2 AAR writing.

 

[Prufrock451]

A Treatise on the K'Morg

Some of the more eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that the "k'morg", a Zorthon garment and badge of office, is sometimes spelled "k'marg", "k'morf", "k'marf", or "K-Mart."

This is not- I repeat NOT- because of sloppy continuity work on my part, caused by punching out installments at top speed while thinking about two or three other things and listening to music. *long icy stare* Thank you for your tactful silence.

(Sharur raises hand)

"What about that time in The Great Game Redux when you called Sir John Miffling-Hodgkins 'Sir John MIFFLE-Hodgkins'- ACK! OW! OW!"

Peter Ebbesen is beating me up and ruining my lovely empire, so I feel no compunction about spreading the pain.

Back to the k'morg. As we all know, Zorthons have a 42-day hormonal cycle geared to the production of mating husks by their symbiotic partners, the chorka tree. Primitive societies on Zorth would key their harvests and rituals to certain phases in this cycle, which would cause them to flush different colors.

As the Zorthons united into nation-states, from which evolved the First Emperor's Empire of Zorth, later the Republic of Zorth, later the People's Unitary Zorthon Council, later the Second Empire, the Second Republic, the Third Empire, and finally the Zorthon Alliance, the pressures of urban life and commerce demanded that Zorthons work on a regular schedule, divorced from the old work cycles and their hormonal irregularities. So, the k'morg came into fashion, a brilliantly multi-hued garment that had the effect of drawing attention away from hormonal color flushes and allowing everyone to get on with business.

This ridiculous invention was a complete failure. Naturally, Zorthons (like humans) never allowed work to get in the way of hormonal demands. As time went on, "k'morg" became a noun whose conjugation depended on the hormonal state of the wearer- hence the variation in spelling.

Four thousand years later, the k'morg is still a Zorthon tradition, however, and no one really feels like discarding all that history for a silly reason like "it never made sense in the first damn place."

 

[unmerged(3999)]

Thank you for the treatise...

This continues to be the funniest thing I have read anywhere in quite some time. You should both be proud of this edifice of silliness you've created.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

WAAR of the Worlds

August 1542, Vienna

*aahhh* I DON'T BELIEVE IT: WE'VE BEEN WARNED BY THE ZORTHON DEMONSPAWN, AGAIN!? *hssss*

It is true enough, Supreme Fieldmarshal. I quote: Inferior Earth scum. Smoking can seriously damage your health. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

SEVEN EXCLAMATION MARKS. THEY ARE GROWING DESPERATE.


October 1542, Siena

And it is with great pleasure, Lord of Bones, that I and my people will march side by side with the people of Austria into the seventeenth century any day now. Like the people of Venice before us, we join you with great pleasure. Three cheers for the Wienerschnitzel!

HURRAAAHH!
HURRAHHH!
HHURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*asshhhh* ON BEHALF OF THE EMPEROR, I THANK YOU. TOGETHER, NONE SHALL STAND AGAINST US. TOGETHER, WE SHALL DRIVE THE DEMONS INTO THE SEA. WE STAND UNITED IN THE FACE OF THE LEGIONS OF HELL, AND WE SHALL PREVAIL, NO MATTER THE COST. *shhhhh*

Bravo. Well said, dishonourable scum.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

Dishonourable scum, sir?

CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Sir, Dishonourable scum, SIR!

*shhhhhh* YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A VERY GOOD EXPLANATION, MORTAL *aaasshhh*

Sir, yes, sir! That was the title given you by the Swedish, Moldavian, Saxonian, Mecklemburgian, Hessen, Catalunyan, Mantua, Polish, Ottoman, Helvetian, and Papal envoys, as they declared war half an hour ago.

ARE YOU SAYING I AM NOW AT WAR WITH 11 NATIONS!?

No, of course not.

GOOD: EXPLAIN. ON PAIN OF PAIN.

You're at war with 11 alliances and something like 20 nations.

*UNTRANSLATABLE*

*UNTRANSLATABLE*

*READY THE ARMIES. SEND FORTH THE WORD: NO MERCY. SURRENDER OR BE ANNEXED*

Erhhnm. As the newest Austrian subjects I guess that means that our armies should march as well?

JUST DO IT.


June 1546, Vienna

MY EMPEROR, THE PAPACY HAS FALLEN INTO YOUR HANDS. THE POPE BLESSES THE OCCUPATION.

Does he have word of the Angels, Supreme Fieldmarshal. I mean, he's got friends in high places, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do. When all is said and done, he is the man, right?

*UNTRANSLATABLE*


December 1546, Schwyz

Great tidings from the west, my Lord of Bones!

LET'S HEAR IT, MORTAL.

According to a few escaped resistance fighters, the Archdemon Zeebon, who led the demonic hosts out of hell and brought the English, the French, and the Spanish to their knees, has been the victim of a coup by an ungrateful, vicious, and ambitious underling, the Archdemon Veenok. Incompetent as demons are most, Veenok's coup only halfway succeeded, and the Demonspawn are now in the midst of a civil war. With demons and battlespawn clashing in bloody battles, the people are turning into civilian casualties caught in the crossfire at an alarming rate.

I SEE.

The many Maximum fortifications they have built and manned with slave warriors makes actual progress almost impossible. This could spell the end of the Legions of Hell!

YOU ARE IN ERROR.

Sorry?

*aaaassshhhh* DEMONS ARE USED TO INFIGHTING. THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL THEM, MAKES THEM STRONGER. AND THAT WHICH DOES KILL THEM, SENDS THEM ON VACATION IN THE PITS. MARK MY WORDS: THIS CIVIL WAR WILL ONLY LAST FOR A FEW YEARS, AND THEN THE SURVIVOR WILL BE STRONGER THAN EVER. AND SHOULD ANY OF THE OPPRESSED, DRIVEN TO MADNESS AND BEYOND, BREAK FREE FROM THE DEMONIC STRANGLEHOLD AND SIEZE THE DEMONIC WEAPONRY, THEY WILL BE LITTLE BETTER THAN DEMONS THEMSELVES. UTTERLY INSANE, THEY WILL ATTACK US, KNOWING THAT WE ALONE REMAIN PURE. LOOK TO CATALUNYA, IF YOU DOUBT ME. *hhhssssss*

Yeah, right. Oh, and Helvetia agreed to give up Schwyz.


April 1547, Moldavia

*aaasssh* IT IS A MATTER OF THE FATE AND DESTINY OF NATIONS, IS IT NOT? *ssshhh*

Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?

AND ON THIS DAY YOUR LOT IS DECIDED.

Ppffffttt

HAND OVER BUJAK, DOBRUDJA, AND TRANSYLVANIA, IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR.

What name? I'll bet you can't say it.

OF COURSE I CAN! HE'S... WELL, I MEAN TO SAY, *aaahhh* THE EMPEROR'S NAME IS.... YOU SILLY PERSON. HE IS THE EMPEROR, WHY SHOULD I DEIGN TO UTTER HIS NAME IN YOUR PRESENCE? *shhh*

nya-nya-nya-nya

BEHAVE OR... BE TERMINATED!

Why didn't you say so in the first place, Lord of Bones.


Savoy, September 1547

The demonspawn have declared war upon us again, Lord of Bones.

WHICH DEMONS, GENERAL TEE?

Well, they are quite devious, by demon standards, but I would wager that the message came from the Archdemon Veenok's faction.

*assshh* SUBSTANTIATE. *sshhhh*

The message read, and I quote: Foolish Earthlings. You are appalling and week. And you smell bad. Apart from that you are incompetent, inefficient, and inelegant introverts, who are now at war with the mighty Zorthon alliance. PS: You don't dare attack our fortifications, miserable scum. Particularly not the new improved fortresses of the Netherlands (plans included. See appendix 1-19). And you certainly wouldn't dare face the mighty Zorthon forces in Zealand, Alsace, and Bourgogne (strength estimates included as appendices 20-22)

SAD, REALLY. THEY MUST HAVE LEFT ALL THE TEMPTERS IN HELL. MEPHISTOPHELES WILL HAVE THEIR BALLS FOR SUCH A MISERABLE PERFORMANCE.

Quite. And our response should be?

AN ATTACK ON THE MAXIMUM FORTRESSES OF THE NETHERLANDS, OF COURSE.

But it has got to be a trap.

SO?

Our soldiers will die!

WHAT IS YOUR POINT? SOLDIERS DIE, GENERAL TEE. IT IS PRACTICALLY IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION, AND IT SAVES ON THE PENSIONS.

With such an attitude, it is no wonder the rivers run red!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DEMOTION, MISTER TEE. YOU'll LEAD THE FIRST ASSAULT IN THE SPIRIT OF NEIGHBOURLY GOODWILL. THE EMPEROR THANKS YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.


January 1550, Vienna

MY EMPEROR, I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS.

So what else is new?

*sshh* WE HAVE TAKEN PIEDMONTE FROM SAVOY. **ssshhhhh*

Bravo.

CARPATHIA AND RUTHENIA FROM POLAND.

Da capo.

*aaasshhh* ISTRIA FROM MANTUA. *ssshhhhhh*

Encore!

DIPLOMATICALLY ANNEXED NAPLES.

How truly nice.

TAKEN ESTLAND AND LIVLAND *asshhh* FROM THE TEUTONIC ORDER.

I see. Don't you think that's going a bit far.

ANGORA, BULGARIA, KONYA, AND TAURUS FROM THE INFIDEL OTTOMAN EMPIRE

And infidels as well. Great.

*sshhhh* AND LASTLY, AS MY 25th ANNIVERSARY PRESENT, ANHALT FROM SAXONY. * sshhhh*

Dear Supreme Fieldmarshal. What on Earth am I to do with all these new subjects?

CONVERT THEM, MY EMPEROR, THAT THEY MAY SERVE YOU.

Is that all you have to say?

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

Errr. Dismissed. Have a breather.


Lord of Bones' 25th Anniversary

------------
OOC:

• The remaining wars are against: Sweden and Pommern, Hessen and Kleves, Catalunya, and the Zorthon alliance and Mali.
• The possessed independent nations are: Brittany, Catalunya, Eire, England, and Scotland.
• Notice that the Mamelukes have done rather well by themselves.
• Austria also has the missing three CB shields (Maros, Serbia, and Transylvania) that will be added in 1.06
• A tip: Don't try to storm maximum fortifications defended by tech 60 troops using tech 22 troops, no matter how many you troops you use. It hurts, it really, truly does.

 

[unmerged(6777)]

WHAT IS YOUR POINT? SOLDIERS DIE, GENERAL TEE. IT IS PRACTICALLY IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION, AND IT SAVES ON THE PENSIONS.

With such an attitude, it is no wonder the rivers run red!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DEMOTION, MISTER TEE. YOU'll LEAD THE FIRST ASSAULT IN THE SPIRIT OF NEIGHBOURLY GOODWILL. THE EMPEROR THANKS YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.

Must say Peter, that was quite a funny (and surprisingly accurate!)

A tip: Don't try to storm maximum fortifications defended by tech 60 troops using tech 22 troops, no matter how many you troops you use. It hurts, it really, truly does.

Are you saying that I didn't survive the assault? Drat. Well, maybe I can get a part in T2 - Judgement Day

I'm just wondering what you're waiting for? Surely you should be taking the battle straight to the hell spawn by now, shouldn't you? (Oh, oh...sensing an impending demotion...)

Edit: BTW, I meant to comment on the ammusing "Here Be Not Demons" zone on the map. I'm wondering exactly what Be There...hope Pruffie is going to reveal that mystery at some point.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Originally posted by MrT

I'm just wondering what you're waiting for? Surely you should be taking the battle straight to the hell spawn by now, shouldn't you? (Oh, oh...sensing an impending demotion...)

Try taking maximum fortresses from tech 60 armies when you are tech 22 - and high offensive.

Assaulting is suicide.

Besieging is possible if non-port, but since you need 30,000 to besiege and lots of artillery unless you are a real optimist, your attrition casualty figures are going to be brutal (because of relatively low tech and most supply limits are below 30K- and you might be beaten by any enemy 5K-10K army that happens by. It happens.

Besieging a port is out of the question. There are several hundreds of tech 60 warships patrolling the waves. I've gotten tired of losing fleets. Without a blockade you will never, ever, capture the fortress.

And, of course, Austria cannot afford large quantities of high.quality offensive cannon.

It is also truly annoying when nationalist rebels rebel and capture a maximum fortres. Believe me, I've tried it.

All things considered, and since I am caught in the BB wars anyway, it seems much smarter to grab a lot of extra manpower and income from the weaker neighbours, so I can finally afford to field large batteries of cannon. (A measly 180 cannon strain my economy at this time)

AND I HATE THOSE DAMN INDEPENDENCE MOVEMENTS. As soon as they have made peace with the Zorthons (who are utterly incapable of retaking the rebels provinces due to maximum fortifications), they declare war on me - and they are nearly invulnerable. For now.

 

[unmerged(6777)]

Man oh man. This has got to be close to the ultimate frustration for you. I hate to say it but I chuckle every time I think about it. All I can say is I'm really glad I'm not in your shoes.

What do you think your chances of surviving this and beating back the Zorthons are? 40:60 or is it considerably worse?

 

[Sharur]

Frankly, since the Zorthons have got to be the ultimate BB, I don't see why the revolting countries don't absolutely beat the snot out of them. They have the same tech and overwhelmingly superior manpower, although they do have less cash. Certainly if one of them was run by a human...

Prufrock and PE, this stuff is brilliant "Here be not demons" LOL

 

[Prufrock451]

WAAR of the Worlds

January 1, 1550

-from the Secret Headquarters of Acting Governor Veenok

The earth rumbled and shook with the distant thunder of artillery. Here and there, the warbling of a plasma cannon could be heard. Commander Zodol rushed into the makeshift control center.

"Lord Veenok! Have you unleashed the grav tanks?" Veenok nodded grimly.

"I have. We are losing momentum, and the number of our recruits is dwindling. Those three grav tanks are unstoppable, as long as their fuel cores hold out. I don't know if they'll be enough." He slammed his fist on the map table. "I thought for certain the doddering fool would slip into a sugar coma by now. I thought his government would collapse like a house of mok'cha cards when I started the Rebellion. How is he holding on? I know, Zodol- I know it for a FACT- that he hasn't got the brains to hold his empire together." Veenok sighed. "Pack it up. This base is compromised. On to the next one."

January 1, 1550

-New Zortha, Kauai Province

Zeebon lolled on his sleeping plank, his eyes blank and baleen dripping with drool. To an untrained observer, he appeared comatose. But to Brevet Lieutenant Beezon and Chaplain Oonok, it was obvious that he was in High H'Loon- the prophetic sucrose trance. Oonok, a trained Divinitor of V'Chorka, was adept in reading the signals in Zeebon's twitching and mumbling. They sat by him in shifts, translating these subtle signals into orders- orders which were speedily reordering his empire. For a shaman of a religion seven thousand years old- a religion scorned and scoffed at by secular Zorthonists- there could be no more satisfying proof than this. Inside Zeebon's head, the voices of the ancient gods of wood and leaf spoke...

Zeebon danced, flushed bright green. The mating husk trembled as the dancing covered it in spores. Soon, it was covered in a black dust. And within the space of an hour- when it should take weeks- the spores migrated into the husk's eggsacs, fertilizing larvae. The larvae hatched, climbing the mother-tendril into the branches of the chorka tree. The tree's bark sighed and admitted them, where they nursed on sap within its heart. The larvae swam and chattered, swimming up and down the sap channels, defending the tree from the swarming macha parasites. And as the season of the machas ended and the tree sang its last song, the larvae swam out from the trunk into the swaying branches. Some became exhausted. They stopped to rest, and the chorka tree reabsorbed them, calling them back to sleep. A few got to the mother branches, and stayed too long. The hormones changed them, and they began to swell and bud. They moved into the living wood, to become the heart of a new mating husk. And a dozen swam out to the father branches, nestling into cocoon fruits. They slept through the winter, swelling and growing, their photosynthetic roots and needles growing across the bark and nurturing them through the cold. And with the spring, the bark peeled off, lowering them to the ground, where they hatched, blinking and laughing as Zeebon gathered them close.

 

[Prufrock451]

WAAR of the Worlds

January 1550- inside the head of Zeebon Morgo

"Children!"

"YES, FATHER!" The Twelve Children spoke in unison, and with the voices of three-winter Zorthons. (In fact, they were the fabled Twelve Children of Uuznoth, who were hatched knowing how to speak. And whereas eleven of them should have been battlespawn, devoted to their High Spawn brother, all of the Twelve Children were High Spawn. V'Chorka was the Great Tree, and Uuznoth the Great Father, whose First Spawning had taught Zorthons music, farming, the riding of the morg-chu, the secret of sugar, and the other Old Arts.)

"What shall I do next?"

"YOU SHALL CONTINUE TO RAISE ARMIES AND FERRY THEM TO EUROPE. THE PROMOTION OF NATIVE OFFICIALS IS PARAMOUNT. WE MUST RAISE SPAWNPOWER LEVELS. AND WE HAVE HARD NEWS FOR YOU, FATHER. YOU SHALL NEVER CAPTURE VEENOK." Zeebon gasped.

"But he has rebelled against me- uh- the Alliance! Shall he never be punished?"

"VEENOK SHALL KNOW HIS PUNISHMENT. AND YOU SHALL KNOW GLORY. PATIENCE, FATHER." Zeebon smiled. The children leapt up to sing a teaching song, one that Zeebon had loved. In joy and under the the drifting pink leaves of his beloved wife, Zeebon joined them.

January 1550- somewhere in the Sahara

"Simplicity itself, Honored Mother. We rewired the nanoprobes that had lodged within his auditory canals to pulse sounds into his brain. And other nanoprobes have taken over his digestive system. He'll be pumped full of sucrose as long as his body can take it. As far as he knows, he's in communion with his gods." The Honored Mother nodded in satisfaction.

"So the civil war will continue?"

"It will. We will prolong it as long as possible, and the homing device we have on Veenok will allow us to prevent Zeebon from ever completely consolidating his control. Veenok's constitution is a bit stronger than Zeebon's- he's already gaining a tolerance to the dominance hormones we've been pumping into him through his nanoprobes. Just in case, we've started establishing a nanoprobe network inside his second, Commander Zodol."

"And our other... agent?"

"Still functioning. Everything is going according to plan."

 

[Syt]

Well, that's certainly one of the more exotic acts of conception.... *decides to lay off breakfast today*

I am curious to see how the civil war will go...

[Star Wars Emperor voice]Everything that has transpired has done so according to my plan...[/Star Wars Emperor voice]

 

[Prufrock451]

Sytass- It's a perfectly normal act. Zorthons are beautiful people with feelings just like us.

(heard at the latest Zorthon Pride Parade)

WE'RE HERE!
WE REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY THROUGH IMMOBILE SYMBIONTS!
GET USED TO IT!



And I'm pretty curious as to how the civil war will turn out myself... *gnaws at fingernails*

 

[Syt]

Originally posted by Prufrock451
(heard at the latest Zorthon Pride Parade)

WE'RE HERE!
WE REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY THROUGH IMMOBILE SYMBIONTS!
GET USED TO IT!

So that's how the song "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came to earth...I figured that no human could come up woth such a hideous tune.

 

[Carolus Rex]

*applauds*

I don't think I've layughed this much since.....I read P2E's latest installment.

 

[Syt]

I cannot help but post this link to historical UFO sightings.

 

[Deaghaidh]

Does anyone else get the urge to play X-com after reading this