wAAR in the pashific - remotely EU3

[hildoceras]

This AAR has been written for the Advocate's contest but was much too long and clearly not enough good to reach the finals. But I had a lot of fun writing it

Thanks again to MrT for all the corrections.


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War in the Pashific​

(with the involuntary help of Molière and the most helpful corrections of MrT)

Philippe VII : sissy king of France
Foulque d’Anjou : pashifist on wheels
Mgr Pierre Couveille : linguistically-challenged archbishop
Lord Cat : protesting protestant ambassador
Boultan : spymaster of his mistress



Scene 1

The French Palace, the throne room.
Philippe VII enters, regally. He has a flowery hat with many feathers, and a staff that he uses negligently to walk. He moves slowly to the front of the stage, bows slightly to the nobility in the public, makes a sissy wave of his hand to any of the handsome male spectators, and then turns to go to his throne. His pants are split in the rear, allowing everyone to see that he is wearing pink underpants, covered in teddy bears. He sits.

Foulque enters in a wheelchair; followed by Couveille and Lord Cat, walking

Philippe VII : Where is Boultan?
Foulque : He is deeply and thoroughly involved in the interrogation of a possible spy, your Majesty.
Philippe VII : Oh? I didn’t know he was so deeply involved with his spymaster duties. He is more often deeply and thoroughly involved in flirting with taverns’ wenches.
Couveille : Well there are special circumstances involved, your Majesty. The supposed spy is a woman...with flaming red hair, no less. Boultan thought he should take the matter into his own, dutiful arms. "Redhaira spya malevolent est," as they say. I shall make it my own, personal duty to confess her later… [makes the face of the cat who stole the milk]
Foulque : Well, foreign affairs before other...best left un-described...affairs, your majesty. His Excellence, the Ambassador of England, comes to present you his letters of introduction.
Philippe VII : [aside] He’s cute! [to Lord Cat] Dear ambassador, come closer. I’m so glad to see you in this sad palace. Closer, I say you! What brings you here? Closer!!!
Lord Cat : [bowing, and leaving a safety margin between himself and the king] His Royal Majesty, Henry IX, sends you his dearest and deepest salutations. He knows there is no king in Europe so wise, so powerful, so…elegant.
Couveille : Elegantum honoris est!
Philippe VII : Indeed? Oh, he is so nice with me. And tell him he has the most efficient and handsome of ambassadors… [He stands to move closer to Lord Cat who steps back. Both take one step, then another, and another]
Foulque : [rolling his wheelchair between them] Your Majesty! The ambassador has important news from England!
Philippe VII : Shouldn’t we hear it in my private study, next to my bedroom? We would be soooo much more comfortable…
Foulque : We must decide at once! War is at stake!
Philippe VII : [in a high-pitched voice] War? But I do not want to make war!
Lord Cat : Your majesty, the King of England, my Master, expects that you will support him in his righteous struggle against the infamous Catholics, Austria and Bavaria.
Couveille : [coughs] Non infamus, Santissima Catholica Austria est!
Lord Cat : Heh?
Foulque : He means that we have good a relationship with Austria, so it would be hard to start war against them. The public...
Philippe VII : And I need my soldiers and guards around me, day and night. Especially at night. The dark…I’m afraid of the dark. I mean, having some company with me is reassuring, you know... [he turns the wheelchair around; Lord Cat also turns]
Lord Cat : Your Majesty, I call upon our old alliance that your father built…
Philippe VII : my faaaTHER!
Foulque : [to himself] Oh no!
Philippe VII : [suddenly running around the throne, waving his arms] I’m straight, all is straight! I’m straight, all is straight! [He sits, eyes a bit wild]
Lord Cat : [to Foulque] What?...
Foulque : [in reply] He had a straight and hard education…
Couveille : Straighticum Educationus! By the best masters, Jesuits of course. Whips and letters alternated for the Glory of God, and France!
Lord Cat : Oh… [to the king]So, your Majesty, you can’t be thinking of reneging on the promise made by… your father?
Philippe VII : [running around the throne, waving his arms again] I’m straight, all is straight! I’m straight, all is straight!
Lord Cat : You surely will lead your troops as did… your father!
Philippe VII : [continues his strange behaviour] I’m straight, all is straight! I’m straight, all is straight!
Lord Cat : And you will help in any matter that will bring us victory, in memory of your…
Philippe VII : Stop! I can’t bear it, you win, it is war, but stop it at once!
Foulque : Your Majesty, you can’t seriously be considering war?
Lord Cat : But, under the same circumstances, wouldn’t it the decision that his fath…
Philippe VII : I said...I ordered...I praaayy, send all of our armies to war! At once! Ah...against who again?
Foulque : Austria and Bavaria.
Philippe VII : So be it!

 

[hildoceras]

Scene 2

A road in the South West of France. Philippe VII is walking with difficulty, helping himself along with a staff. Foulque rolls along behind him on his wheelchair. They stop.

Philippe VII : [his hand pressed to his heart] I’m dead! Bury me here, Foulque, in my dear soil of France!
Foulque : I’m tired too, your Majesty. We should have stayed with the coach. Boultan would have found us. He is coming on this road.
Philippe VII : A sure way to bring the rebels to catch me! They would have been happy to try to get a ransom for me; and at the same time jostle me, bully me, hurt me, maybe...maybe rape me?
Foulque : You can be raped on this road just as easily; and if we had stayed I wouldn’t be so tired!
Philippe VII : Eek! Do you think so? Protect me Foulque, protect me! [he looks from side to side, fearfully]
Foulque : Protect? As if I could! You didn’t even bring any mousquetaires for your bodyguard.
Philippe VII : I wanted to be inconspicuous! All our armies are in Austria…
Foulque : Franche-Comté
Philippe VII : So close...so, in Franche Comté, then; or invading Bavaria
Foulque : Artois. And THEY are invading us.
Philippe VII : Whatever. There is no one to quash the rebels. But I must review the situation...
Foulque : The situation is that we are walking in a province, infested with rebels, without any guard, and far from any inn. As far as I know, anyone could come out of this bush at any moment and attack us!
[Boultan appears, jumping into the scene. He is wearing the disguise of Captain Fracasso, the captain of the Commedia Dell'Arte] Sang et Tripes! Here you are!
Philippe VII : Heeeeee, a rebel! [he hides behind the wheelchair]
Foulque : Bou… [Boultan make a quick sign, motioning him to keep his identity a secret. Foulque grasps the idea.]...Boo! What do you want?
Boultan : [waving his sword] Wouldn’t you be rich nobility?
Foulque : Me? I mean us? Not at all.
Boultan : Too bad, I’d like to kill a noble with this spade! [He whips around viciously, connecting with Philipe VII’s ass]
Philippe VII : Heeee!
Boultan : Bull's testicles! I’d like to draw a yard of guts from any nobles I’d find here! [another strike]
Philippe VII : [running around holding his ass] HEEEE, HEEEE, HEEEE!
Foulque : We are no nobles, esteemed Captain. We are but poor travelers, lost on this road.
Boultan : [winking to Foulque] Dogs and Cats! Are you sure you are not really nobles, simply disguised under all of that dust? [he runs after the king, striking at time with the spade]
Philippe VII : No, no , I swear, I’m a poor man… HEEEE! Lost on the road HEEE HEEE! Not worth of any ransom HEE HEE HEE ! Don’t kill me, don’t rape me, pleeeeease [he runs out of the scene]
Foulque : Boultan, you are going a bit hard on him.
Boultan : He had it coming....payback for some money he refused to give me when I needed it. I’ve more for him, too. I’ll be back. [He leaves the scene and, shortly, Philippe VII returns.]
Philippe VII : Is he gone? He hurt me!
Foulque : Your majesty, I told you it was dangerous. There are armed rebels everywhere. No law, no faith! The province is lost!
Philippe VII : Don’t be such a defeatist. We will manage to turn the situation around, I’m sure of it. Boultan will find a way!
Foulque : If we don't die on this road before that...
Philippe VII : No!
Foulque : Just one more corpse in the fields, feasted upon by the crows…
Philippe VII : Noo!
Foulque : Regretful; but still straight dead [aside], at least he'd be straight for once in his life.
Philippe VII : [crying] I don’t want to diiiiie!
Foulque : Isn’t that...?
Philippe VII : What?
Foulque : No; it's not. But, I thought...
Philippe VII : What?!?
Foulque : I thought I heard someone coming...
Philippe VII : Protect me Foulque!
Foulque : But I don’t know... Wait. [he takes out a big burlap sack] Climb inside this. It was for our food and drink...[accusingly]...but there is no more.
Philippe VII : I was a bit hungry…
Foulque : And thirsty, too, it seems. Climb in! Quickly! I hear him coming!
[Philippe VII climbs into the sack, but wonders what to do with his staff]
Foulque : Drop it! Quick! [he closes the bag over the king's head]
[Boultan enters once more, with big strides and a very bad German accent]
Boultan : Donnerwetter! Heeere I AM. Vat? A King IST heeere…?
Foulque : No, no, a soldier. [aside to the bag] Do not move
Boultan : Hey! Are you chure zere IST no King heeere?
Foulque : Absolutely.
Boultan : I vant to checke. Vat IST zis baaag? [He strikes it with his sword]
Philipe VII : [muffled] Heee!
Boultan : You said…?
Foulque : Nothing
Boultan : You said ‘Heee’.
Foulque : Never!
Boultan : You are joking meee, huh? Diou Biban, you ARE vanting to make a fooool of meee, huh?
Foulque : Sir, no!
Boultan : [picking up the staff and then striking the bag] You lie to meee, huh? Caracho! Take ziss!
Foulque : Haaa!
Philippe VII : Ouch!
Boultan : [stiking it again] And zat!
Foulque : Haa, I’m dying!
Philippe VII : Oooh!
Boultan : And again!
Foulque : Stop, please stop!
Philippe VII : Aarrgh!
Boultan : You’ll tell to your king zat he is not vanted here!
Foulque : Yes, AAAH, I’ll tell him, AAAH
Philippe VII : I’m dead, oooh!
Boultan : Tell him to take you back to Paris and its taverns, and its maidens… Mille Diou!
Foulque : Sure, sure, anything you want! AAAH! Please stop striking me! [Foulque takes the staff from Boultan and gives the bag yet another few strikes while Boultan exits, laughing soundlessly] Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! I suffer a thousand deaths. [then after a period of silence and inactivity, groans] He has gone.
Philippe VII : [climbing out of the sack with difficulty] Foulque, help me, I’m hurt.
Foulque : How can you be? He was striking me, aaah…
Philipe VII : What do you mean? He was beating ME. I’m mashed, and haven’t a single bone intact.
Foulque : You only had the tip of his staff.
Philippe VII : You should have rolled a bit further away to spare me!
[Boultan runs back into the scene, but this time without his hat and disguise]
Boultan : Ah, here you are. We must flee! All is lost, the rebels are everywhere. I had to hide in the mud to reach you. Now they are coming in force!
Philippe VII : What?! It is time to make our retreat back to fortified positions. To my palace, quickly!
[exunt, running]

 

[hildoceras]

Scene 3

The French palace, the throne room. Foulque, Couveille and Boultan are on the side of the scene, plotting.

Boultan : [to Foulque] I need money!
Couveille : [nodding] So do I!
Boultan : I need more money!
Couveille : So do I!
Boultan : I have bills to pay!
Couveille : So have I!
Boultan : I have children to raise, many eager women, many bastards!
Couveille : So have I!
[They look to Couveille, surprised ]
Couveille : Orphans! I mean, I’ve a lot of orphans to educate o It takes money...generosity to the Church and all... Orphanii gentile sunt, you know what I mean? o
[Foulque and Boultan look at each other in silence for a moment]
Foulque : Yes...quite...don't worry; I’ll make him pay. I have a plan. But ssshhh, here he comes!
[Foulque pushes the others out of the scene as Philippe VII enters from the opposite side of the stage]
Foulque : Ô misfortune! Ô sadness! Such unfairness!
Philippe VII : Foulque! What has happened?
Foulque : Your Majesty! A day of such infamy... Who could have known?
Philippe VII : What? Why? Explain, dear Foulque, what saddens you in such a way? Don’t cry, please, don’t cry...
Foulque : The war is ending...
Philippe VII : Well, yes I ordered it. I mean, we are loosing and all, it’s no longer funny, and all guards are outside while I’m alone in this big palace and...
Foulque, interupting : Yes, I know. What I wanted to say is that the war is ending and you have sent an embassy to beg for peace.
Philippe VII : Oh. Did I?
Foulque : You did.
Philippe VII : I must have, mustn’t I? That's how you make peace, isn't it...
Foulque : Monseigneur Couveille and Boultan led this embassy. They were received very amiably. They were installed in a cozy room. They were served sorbets and chocolate by gracious maidens...[gauges the king's reaction]... and young men of the most exquisite appearance. A sort of bordello but… chic!
Philippe VII : [sadly]It's always the same ones who get all the fun... And what is it that has made you so upset?
Foulque : Alas, dear King! While they were enjoying their sojourn, the treacherous enemy sent us an ultimatum! Either we pay 1000 ducats or they will be sold as slaves to the Turks!
Philippe VII : To the Turks?
Foulque : And you know what happens to male slaves in Turkey..
Philippe VII : No?
Foulque : [makes a snipping gesture of scissors to the groin] Clac!
Philippe VII : [horrified]Oooh! We must save them! Let us call our army! To arms!
Foulque : Your army, to the Turks? Surely you jest? And further, what army? We were already losing, remember?
Philippe VII : Oh. Yes. Very true. But...1000 ducats?! And what the devil were they doing in this bordello?
Foulque : 1000 ducats is not so much to get back your Archbishop and your Spymaster.
Philippe VII : But...I haven’t that much money! Look, dear Foulque, my dearest Foulque, my Foulquy, I may have... No, YOU have the solution. We’ll just propose that they take you in place of the hostages. You’re a Prime Minister...the most important person in France besides me...and they can’t... [he makes a snipping gesture] I mean, you’re already...[scissors motion again]... And at your age, you wouldn’t be a hostage or slave for long...
Foulque : [disentangling himself from the king’s embrace] Never! Not on my life! Beside, why would they take a minister in a wheelchair when they can have two able men?!
Philippe VII : able, able...[scissors] Well, I see... Take this key.
Foulque : Yes?
Philippe VII : Go to my bedroom.
Foulque : Yes?
Philippe VII : Open the closet. You'll find my pink royal costume, the violet one I never wore, all the toys I saved for the son that never came, and my dear, dear, teddy bear. There's also the feathered hat that Tanguy, my bodyguard, once gave me as a sign of his love for me… [sighs]
Foulque : Yes? And what of the money?
Philippe VII : [Sighing again] Sell it. Sell it all! Get the money to pay off these diabolical Austrians. Oooh [He begins to exit, weeping; his arm covering his eyes]
Foulque : Hey! Wait! Wait!!! [Philippe VII stops] I’ll barely get 50 ducats for those old clothes, let alone 1000!
Philippe VII : 1000 ducats! And what the devil were they doing in this bordello?!? Here is a key! [he shows another key]
Foulque : Another key?
Philippe VII : This key open a casket in my private study. In the casket there is a pouch with a thousand ducats.
[Foulque reaches for the key but Philippe VII pulls it away from him]
Philippe VII : But say to the Austrians that they are swindlers!
Foulque : [reaching again] I will.
Philippe VII : Truly highway robbers!
Foulque : [rolling his wheelchair around the king in his efforts] Sure thing...
Philippe VII : That I surrender only to their superior force...and to prevent further...bloodshed [scissors gesture]
Foulque : [nearly standing to reach the key] Aaargh…
Philippe VII : [runs in a sissy fashion towards the edge of the stage] Run my Foulquy, run…
Foulque : Sire! The key!
Philippe VII : [stops; turns] Didn’t I give it to you?
Foulque : You didn’t!
Philippe VII : Didn’t I? [he seems to discover the key in his hand and tries to give it to Foulque; but he is clenching it very hard in his hand] Here it is, my dear Foulque.
Foulque : [making a supreme effort] Hmmmpff! YES! I have it! [he wheels himself quickly out of the scene] At least I’m getting out of this closet!
Philippe VII : But what the devil where they doing in this bordello...?!

 

[Nil-The-Frogg]

Will you keep it running or is it a single shot AAR? Je n'ai même pas vérifié si tu en avais une version française! o

 

[hildoceras]

it is a single shot, it was to participate to the advocate contest (even if much too long o ).
It is also a tribute to french theater modern or classic

There is a french translation.