I was about to update when my friends wanted to hang out. Curse you! I will have nothing stand in the way of me and my Victoria game!!!
Fortunately one of my friends plays Victoria so the day wasn't a complete loss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Lackof was enjoying his time in the Cambodian capitol, kicking back and enjoying some malt liquor, a knock came on his door.
"Sir! A diplomat from Cambodia is here to see you!" a soldier yelled.
"Well bring him in then!" Lackof said, slightly drunk. This was an improvement as he is usually piss drunk and unable to stand properly.
"My humble people from Cambodia offer you peace, we will give you one worthless territory and four whole prestige..." the Cambodian said while kneeling.
"No... and while you're here... GUARDS! CAPTURE THIS MAN!" Lackof yelled.
So the guards captured the diplomat. They decided they couldn't properly catch him without having a chase first so they let him go and started running after him through the capitol, breaking expensive vases and tables as they went.
"Don't let that man escape!" the head guard yelled to the guards guarding an open gate. They decided they would close it like they do in the action/adventure movies and began closing it extremely slowly.
The diplomat ran out of the gate as the doors then closed, causing all the guards chasing him to slap into the wall and fall over screaming in agony.
"I'd shoot you for your incompetance, but it looks like you've already done enough to yourself as it is!" Lackof said with reason. Then soon lost that reason as he took another drink of his liquor. He shot the guards for their incompetance (7 of them).
As the Javan army prepared to land in Cambodia, their general got up for a big speech.
"This will be a tough battle, and some of you may not make it through this alive! But even if we die a horrible and agonizing death today, it will mean something. It will mean at least a month of time saved that the Dutch would otherwise have to spend backtracking! It will mean payment for me as your families continue to live in poverty! I want you to remember, that even though you suck as a fighting force, you are still somewhat OK for capturing otherwise useless provinces!" the general yelled with a fist in the air dramatically.
The Javans stared at him in confusion, not understanding his language.
Soon the transports got close to the shore, and the men charged out of the boats. The problem is that they didn't get into the smaller transports and go all the way up to the shore, they just charged out of the boat. Half of them drowned.
"Come on men! We can still win this!" the general yelled.
His men stormed the shore and started attacking the city. They started slamming their bodies into the walls, trying to break through.
"No! Stop! Use the door!" the general cried as more of his men fell to the power that was, walls.
Eventually, after a hard fought battle, the Javans had control.
"We fought well today men! OK... I wont lie! You guys are almost as pathetic as the French..." the general said as the Javans soon shot him for his insult, and his incompetance.
Lackof, when noticing the Vietnamese coming ever closer, decided he wanted some glory.
"Come on men! We are Europeans! They are not!" Lackof said with motivation.
"Yeah yeah... we've heard all that already..." one soldier said, bored.
This soldier was shot for his incompetance.
(At the actual battle)
"We are outnumbered at a fraction that equates out to be four-thousand soldiers to every three-thousand six-hundred ninety-nine soldiers! If not for your country, then for the coupons you get after every victory!" Lackof yelled. Hearing that coupons would be involved the soldiers were eger to go to war.
ex-King Glenn and Fhund Agudnaem were sitting in the throne room in awkward silence.
"So..." Fhund said trying to start conversation.
"Shut up! You took my country from me! I want my country back!" ex-King Glenn yelled in anger.
Just then a royal guard ran into the room.
"Your majesty! Our alliance with the Prussians has expired! They claim that they no longer wish to be allied to a country with this much incompetance!" he said while standing at attention.
"Is that a bad thing?" ex-King Glenn asked.
ex-King Glenn was shot for his incompetance.
"You can't just shoot the heir to the throne like that!" the royal guard screamed with horror on his face.
"You can't? Oops..." Fhund said with a bit of guilt in his mind. What if they got rid of his free pass into the bar?
"No you can't! Now get over here so I can arrest you!" the royal guard yelled.
"I don't feel like it. How about you come over here and arrest me yourself..." Fhund said lazily.
"I'm not walking all the way over there to arrest you! You come over here!" the guard yelled.
"Tell you what... I'll meet you half way..." Fhund said and stood up and started walking to the guard. The guard began walking towards Fhund.
"Now put these handcuffs on." the guard said.
"I dont wanna" Fhund said.
"Stop being so lazy! You'll never get anywhere in life with that kind of attitude!" the royal guard yelled.
"I'll never get anywhere in life in jail either!" Fhund cried.
The guard gasped. "Yes you can! The jail has plenty of opportunities! Why, half of our leadership comes from people that have climbed through the ranks in jail!"
"So that would explain it..." Fhund said rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"Now, hurry up and put on your handcuffs, and then follow me." the guard said turning his back and starting to leave.
This royal guard was shot for his incompetance.
Lackof continued to fight against the Vietnamese forces.
"Come on men! If not for me, then for you! If not for you then you obviously have a death wish and should jump into the middle of their ranks with explosives and take them out with you!" Lackof said as some of his men did just that.
"We wanna go home!" one Dutch soldier said.
"No!" Lackof screamed.
Lackof was shot for his incompetance.
"Crap... now we dont have a leader..." the Dutch said and started to lose the battle.
"I'll lead you!" said General Greigerhobstien Braudbeifat.
He was hit by a stray bullet and died.
"I'll lead you instead then!" said Khan Gengis. He was the only Mongolian in the entire Dutch empire.
"Yeah! Let's go Khan!" the Dutch cheered and, with the 10000 troops Khan brought with him, still almost lost.
But they won.
Celebrations were heard in Amsterdam.
Screams were heard in France, although this was due to a completely unrelated event.
The Javans, with no leader, decided to keep running North until they hit something. They hit into the capitol at their full running speed.
After the casualties for this collision were compensated for, the Javans continued to run north. They soon met with the Cambodian army.
"Halt!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans halted.
"Tell us why you are here!" the Cambodian general shouted.
"We decided to run north until we met resistance" the Javans said.
"Sit!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans sat.
"Roll over!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans rolled over.
"Play dead!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans fell over and pretended to die. Some Javans misunderstood the order and shot themselves.
The Cambodian general game the Javans a doggy treat.
"OK then! We will decide this match with paper rock scissors! GO!" the Cambodian general yelled as each side charged at each other, prepared to do either paper, rock, or scissors.
"Paper!" one Cambodian yelled as the Javan had scissors out.
"NOOO!!!" The Cambodian screamed as his hand was cut off by the scissors.
"Rock!" another Cambodian yelled as the Javan showed his paper.
"I'VE FAILED!" the Cambodian screamed as the Javan gave the Cambodian a paper cut, the worst torture one could ever recieve.
This continued for hours until the Cambodians were all gone. Proving that the Javans did have a use. They knew how to play rock paper scissors.
"The Netherlands would like to ally with you" the Netherlands diplomat said.
Austria, having no friends, and being almost as bad with leadership as the Netherlands, jumped on the opportunity to make new friends.
"My lord! The Austrians have accepted the alliance!" a royal guard yelled running into the room.
"I said PRUSSIA! Why would the Netherlands want a friend like Austria!" Fhund screamed. "Where are the diplomats that made this mistake!"
"They left for their year long vacations sire!" the guard said while bowing.
"Why do we give them such long vacations?" Fhund asked.
"Because saying the words 'I declare war on you' is extremely exhausting and tireing. I mean, even mentioning 'I declare war on you' could have a regular person knocked out cold for months! There's no way anyone other then diplomats could ever say the words 'I declare war on you'. It strains them so much, they need a break from time to time. You know?" the guard said.
"So saying 'I declare war on you' is so utterly hard that only diplomats can say 'I declare war on you'? And when they do they get really tired from having said 'I declare war on you' and have to take a really long break from saying 'I declare war on you', lest they die?" Fhund asked. "It makes total sense!"
"I knew you would understand sire!" the royal guard said, and then ran away and left before he could be shot for having done anything wrong.
"Sir! We're taking control of Cambodia's last province! We will soon be able to annex them!" a soldier said, running into the room.
"Great! We should be able to make it home by Christmas!" Khan Gengis said.
"Umm... no we can't. Christmas is in five days. If we left today we still wouldn't make it." the soldier said.
"No, you dont understand. We wont make it home by this year's Christmas, but when we finally finish with this place in ten years or so, then we will more then likely make it home before Christmas that year!" Khan said.
"Ooh! So no matter what happens we will always make it home by Christmas!?" the soldier asked.
"Yes!" Khan replied.
The soldier rushed out to tell everyone else about the wonderful news.
"Cambodia has agreed to become part of our empire!" a royal guard said running into the room. He tripped on his way and fell over, hitting his head and getting permanent brain damage.
"This is great news! Everything has been going wonderfully today!" Fhund said as the guard wiggled around on the ground, screaming in pain.
And so Cambodia has fallen! Soon Annam will fall as well! And then Siam! And then if it's still there the other weird SE Asian place! And then Belgium will fall! And then I can defeat France (with the UK's and Germany's and Russia's and Itally's help of course... assuming some of those countries are still there)
Eleven people have been shot for incompetance! Needless to say, at least half of them deserved it!
Fortunately one of my friends plays Victoria so the day wasn't a complete loss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Lackof was enjoying his time in the Cambodian capitol, kicking back and enjoying some malt liquor, a knock came on his door.
"Sir! A diplomat from Cambodia is here to see you!" a soldier yelled.
"Well bring him in then!" Lackof said, slightly drunk. This was an improvement as he is usually piss drunk and unable to stand properly.
"My humble people from Cambodia offer you peace, we will give you one worthless territory and four whole prestige..." the Cambodian said while kneeling.
"No... and while you're here... GUARDS! CAPTURE THIS MAN!" Lackof yelled.
So the guards captured the diplomat. They decided they couldn't properly catch him without having a chase first so they let him go and started running after him through the capitol, breaking expensive vases and tables as they went.
"Don't let that man escape!" the head guard yelled to the guards guarding an open gate. They decided they would close it like they do in the action/adventure movies and began closing it extremely slowly.
The diplomat ran out of the gate as the doors then closed, causing all the guards chasing him to slap into the wall and fall over screaming in agony.
"I'd shoot you for your incompetance, but it looks like you've already done enough to yourself as it is!" Lackof said with reason. Then soon lost that reason as he took another drink of his liquor. He shot the guards for their incompetance (7 of them).
As the Javan army prepared to land in Cambodia, their general got up for a big speech.
"This will be a tough battle, and some of you may not make it through this alive! But even if we die a horrible and agonizing death today, it will mean something. It will mean at least a month of time saved that the Dutch would otherwise have to spend backtracking! It will mean payment for me as your families continue to live in poverty! I want you to remember, that even though you suck as a fighting force, you are still somewhat OK for capturing otherwise useless provinces!" the general yelled with a fist in the air dramatically.
The Javans stared at him in confusion, not understanding his language.
Soon the transports got close to the shore, and the men charged out of the boats. The problem is that they didn't get into the smaller transports and go all the way up to the shore, they just charged out of the boat. Half of them drowned.
"Come on men! We can still win this!" the general yelled.
His men stormed the shore and started attacking the city. They started slamming their bodies into the walls, trying to break through.
"No! Stop! Use the door!" the general cried as more of his men fell to the power that was, walls.
Eventually, after a hard fought battle, the Javans had control.
"We fought well today men! OK... I wont lie! You guys are almost as pathetic as the French..." the general said as the Javans soon shot him for his insult, and his incompetance.
Lackof, when noticing the Vietnamese coming ever closer, decided he wanted some glory.
"Come on men! We are Europeans! They are not!" Lackof said with motivation.
"Yeah yeah... we've heard all that already..." one soldier said, bored.
This soldier was shot for his incompetance.
(At the actual battle)
"We are outnumbered at a fraction that equates out to be four-thousand soldiers to every three-thousand six-hundred ninety-nine soldiers! If not for your country, then for the coupons you get after every victory!" Lackof yelled. Hearing that coupons would be involved the soldiers were eger to go to war.
ex-King Glenn and Fhund Agudnaem were sitting in the throne room in awkward silence.
"So..." Fhund said trying to start conversation.
"Shut up! You took my country from me! I want my country back!" ex-King Glenn yelled in anger.
Just then a royal guard ran into the room.
"Your majesty! Our alliance with the Prussians has expired! They claim that they no longer wish to be allied to a country with this much incompetance!" he said while standing at attention.
"Is that a bad thing?" ex-King Glenn asked.
ex-King Glenn was shot for his incompetance.
"You can't just shoot the heir to the throne like that!" the royal guard screamed with horror on his face.
"You can't? Oops..." Fhund said with a bit of guilt in his mind. What if they got rid of his free pass into the bar?
"No you can't! Now get over here so I can arrest you!" the royal guard yelled.
"I don't feel like it. How about you come over here and arrest me yourself..." Fhund said lazily.
"I'm not walking all the way over there to arrest you! You come over here!" the guard yelled.
"Tell you what... I'll meet you half way..." Fhund said and stood up and started walking to the guard. The guard began walking towards Fhund.
"Now put these handcuffs on." the guard said.
"I dont wanna" Fhund said.
"Stop being so lazy! You'll never get anywhere in life with that kind of attitude!" the royal guard yelled.
"I'll never get anywhere in life in jail either!" Fhund cried.
The guard gasped. "Yes you can! The jail has plenty of opportunities! Why, half of our leadership comes from people that have climbed through the ranks in jail!"
"So that would explain it..." Fhund said rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"Now, hurry up and put on your handcuffs, and then follow me." the guard said turning his back and starting to leave.
This royal guard was shot for his incompetance.
Lackof continued to fight against the Vietnamese forces.
"Come on men! If not for me, then for you! If not for you then you obviously have a death wish and should jump into the middle of their ranks with explosives and take them out with you!" Lackof said as some of his men did just that.
"We wanna go home!" one Dutch soldier said.
"No!" Lackof screamed.
Lackof was shot for his incompetance.
"Crap... now we dont have a leader..." the Dutch said and started to lose the battle.
"I'll lead you!" said General Greigerhobstien Braudbeifat.
He was hit by a stray bullet and died.
"I'll lead you instead then!" said Khan Gengis. He was the only Mongolian in the entire Dutch empire.
"Yeah! Let's go Khan!" the Dutch cheered and, with the 10000 troops Khan brought with him, still almost lost.
But they won.
Celebrations were heard in Amsterdam.
Screams were heard in France, although this was due to a completely unrelated event.
The Javans, with no leader, decided to keep running North until they hit something. They hit into the capitol at their full running speed.
After the casualties for this collision were compensated for, the Javans continued to run north. They soon met with the Cambodian army.
"Halt!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans halted.
"Tell us why you are here!" the Cambodian general shouted.
"We decided to run north until we met resistance" the Javans said.
"Sit!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans sat.
"Roll over!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans rolled over.
"Play dead!" the Cambodian general shouted.
The Javans fell over and pretended to die. Some Javans misunderstood the order and shot themselves.
The Cambodian general game the Javans a doggy treat.
"OK then! We will decide this match with paper rock scissors! GO!" the Cambodian general yelled as each side charged at each other, prepared to do either paper, rock, or scissors.
"Paper!" one Cambodian yelled as the Javan had scissors out.
"NOOO!!!" The Cambodian screamed as his hand was cut off by the scissors.
"Rock!" another Cambodian yelled as the Javan showed his paper.
"I'VE FAILED!" the Cambodian screamed as the Javan gave the Cambodian a paper cut, the worst torture one could ever recieve.
This continued for hours until the Cambodians were all gone. Proving that the Javans did have a use. They knew how to play rock paper scissors.
"The Netherlands would like to ally with you" the Netherlands diplomat said.
Austria, having no friends, and being almost as bad with leadership as the Netherlands, jumped on the opportunity to make new friends.
"My lord! The Austrians have accepted the alliance!" a royal guard yelled running into the room.
"I said PRUSSIA! Why would the Netherlands want a friend like Austria!" Fhund screamed. "Where are the diplomats that made this mistake!"
"They left for their year long vacations sire!" the guard said while bowing.
"Why do we give them such long vacations?" Fhund asked.
"Because saying the words 'I declare war on you' is extremely exhausting and tireing. I mean, even mentioning 'I declare war on you' could have a regular person knocked out cold for months! There's no way anyone other then diplomats could ever say the words 'I declare war on you'. It strains them so much, they need a break from time to time. You know?" the guard said.
"So saying 'I declare war on you' is so utterly hard that only diplomats can say 'I declare war on you'? And when they do they get really tired from having said 'I declare war on you' and have to take a really long break from saying 'I declare war on you', lest they die?" Fhund asked. "It makes total sense!"
"I knew you would understand sire!" the royal guard said, and then ran away and left before he could be shot for having done anything wrong.
"Sir! We're taking control of Cambodia's last province! We will soon be able to annex them!" a soldier said, running into the room.
"Great! We should be able to make it home by Christmas!" Khan Gengis said.
"Umm... no we can't. Christmas is in five days. If we left today we still wouldn't make it." the soldier said.
"No, you dont understand. We wont make it home by this year's Christmas, but when we finally finish with this place in ten years or so, then we will more then likely make it home before Christmas that year!" Khan said.
"Ooh! So no matter what happens we will always make it home by Christmas!?" the soldier asked.
"Yes!" Khan replied.
The soldier rushed out to tell everyone else about the wonderful news.
"Cambodia has agreed to become part of our empire!" a royal guard said running into the room. He tripped on his way and fell over, hitting his head and getting permanent brain damage.
"This is great news! Everything has been going wonderfully today!" Fhund said as the guard wiggled around on the ground, screaming in pain.
And so Cambodia has fallen! Soon Annam will fall as well! And then Siam! And then if it's still there the other weird SE Asian place! And then Belgium will fall! And then I can defeat France (with the UK's and Germany's and Russia's and Itally's help of course... assuming some of those countries are still there)
Eleven people have been shot for incompetance! Needless to say, at least half of them deserved it!