• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
I was about to update when my friends wanted to hang out. Curse you! I will have nothing stand in the way of me and my Victoria game!!!

Fortunately one of my friends plays Victoria so the day wasn't a complete loss. ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Lackof was enjoying his time in the Cambodian capitol, kicking back and enjoying some malt liquor, a knock came on his door.

"Sir! A diplomat from Cambodia is here to see you!" a soldier yelled.

"Well bring him in then!" Lackof said, slightly drunk. This was an improvement as he is usually piss drunk and unable to stand properly.

"My humble people from Cambodia offer you peace, we will give you one worthless territory and four whole prestige..." the Cambodian said while kneeling.

"No... and while you're here... GUARDS! CAPTURE THIS MAN!" Lackof yelled.

So the guards captured the diplomat. They decided they couldn't properly catch him without having a chase first so they let him go and started running after him through the capitol, breaking expensive vases and tables as they went.

"Don't let that man escape!" the head guard yelled to the guards guarding an open gate. They decided they would close it like they do in the action/adventure movies and began closing it extremely slowly.

The diplomat ran out of the gate as the doors then closed, causing all the guards chasing him to slap into the wall and fall over screaming in agony.

"I'd shoot you for your incompetance, but it looks like you've already done enough to yourself as it is!" Lackof said with reason. Then soon lost that reason as he took another drink of his liquor. He shot the guards for their incompetance (7 of them).



As the Javan army prepared to land in Cambodia, their general got up for a big speech.

"This will be a tough battle, and some of you may not make it through this alive! But even if we die a horrible and agonizing death today, it will mean something. It will mean at least a month of time saved that the Dutch would otherwise have to spend backtracking! It will mean payment for me as your families continue to live in poverty! I want you to remember, that even though you suck as a fighting force, you are still somewhat OK for capturing otherwise useless provinces!" the general yelled with a fist in the air dramatically.

The Javans stared at him in confusion, not understanding his language.

Soon the transports got close to the shore, and the men charged out of the boats. The problem is that they didn't get into the smaller transports and go all the way up to the shore, they just charged out of the boat. Half of them drowned.

"Come on men! We can still win this!" the general yelled.

His men stormed the shore and started attacking the city. They started slamming their bodies into the walls, trying to break through.

"No! Stop! Use the door!" the general cried as more of his men fell to the power that was, walls.

Eventually, after a hard fought battle, the Javans had control.

"We fought well today men! OK... I wont lie! You guys are almost as pathetic as the French..." the general said as the Javans soon shot him for his insult, and his incompetance.



Lackof, when noticing the Vietnamese coming ever closer, decided he wanted some glory.

"Come on men! We are Europeans! They are not!" Lackof said with motivation.

"Yeah yeah... we've heard all that already..." one soldier said, bored.

This soldier was shot for his incompetance.

(At the actual battle)

"We are outnumbered at a fraction that equates out to be four-thousand soldiers to every three-thousand six-hundred ninety-nine soldiers! If not for your country, then for the coupons you get after every victory!" Lackof yelled. Hearing that coupons would be involved the soldiers were eger to go to war.



ex-King Glenn and Fhund Agudnaem were sitting in the throne room in awkward silence.

"So..." Fhund said trying to start conversation.

"Shut up! You took my country from me! I want my country back!" ex-King Glenn yelled in anger.

Just then a royal guard ran into the room.

"Your majesty! Our alliance with the Prussians has expired! They claim that they no longer wish to be allied to a country with this much incompetance!" he said while standing at attention.

"Is that a bad thing?" ex-King Glenn asked.

ex-King Glenn was shot for his incompetance.

"You can't just shoot the heir to the throne like that!" the royal guard screamed with horror on his face.

"You can't? Oops..." Fhund said with a bit of guilt in his mind. What if they got rid of his free pass into the bar?

"No you can't! Now get over here so I can arrest you!" the royal guard yelled.

"I don't feel like it. How about you come over here and arrest me yourself..." Fhund said lazily.

"I'm not walking all the way over there to arrest you! You come over here!" the guard yelled.

"Tell you what... I'll meet you half way..." Fhund said and stood up and started walking to the guard. The guard began walking towards Fhund.

"Now put these handcuffs on." the guard said.

"I dont wanna" Fhund said.

"Stop being so lazy! You'll never get anywhere in life with that kind of attitude!" the royal guard yelled.

"I'll never get anywhere in life in jail either!" Fhund cried.

The guard gasped. "Yes you can! The jail has plenty of opportunities! Why, half of our leadership comes from people that have climbed through the ranks in jail!"

"So that would explain it..." Fhund said rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Now, hurry up and put on your handcuffs, and then follow me." the guard said turning his back and starting to leave.

This royal guard was shot for his incompetance.



Lackof continued to fight against the Vietnamese forces.

"Come on men! If not for me, then for you! If not for you then you obviously have a death wish and should jump into the middle of their ranks with explosives and take them out with you!" Lackof said as some of his men did just that.

"We wanna go home!" one Dutch soldier said.

"No!" Lackof screamed.

Lackof was shot for his incompetance.

"Crap... now we dont have a leader..." the Dutch said and started to lose the battle.

"I'll lead you!" said General Greigerhobstien Braudbeifat.

He was hit by a stray bullet and died.

"I'll lead you instead then!" said Khan Gengis. He was the only Mongolian in the entire Dutch empire.

"Yeah! Let's go Khan!" the Dutch cheered and, with the 10000 troops Khan brought with him, still almost lost.

But they won.

Celebrations were heard in Amsterdam.

Screams were heard in France, although this was due to a completely unrelated event.



The Javans, with no leader, decided to keep running North until they hit something. They hit into the capitol at their full running speed.

After the casualties for this collision were compensated for, the Javans continued to run north. They soon met with the Cambodian army.

"Halt!" the Cambodian general shouted.

The Javans halted.

"Tell us why you are here!" the Cambodian general shouted.

"We decided to run north until we met resistance" the Javans said.

"Sit!" the Cambodian general shouted.

The Javans sat.

"Roll over!" the Cambodian general shouted.

The Javans rolled over.

"Play dead!" the Cambodian general shouted.

The Javans fell over and pretended to die. Some Javans misunderstood the order and shot themselves.

The Cambodian general game the Javans a doggy treat.

"OK then! We will decide this match with paper rock scissors! GO!" the Cambodian general yelled as each side charged at each other, prepared to do either paper, rock, or scissors.

"Paper!" one Cambodian yelled as the Javan had scissors out.

"NOOO!!!" The Cambodian screamed as his hand was cut off by the scissors.

"Rock!" another Cambodian yelled as the Javan showed his paper.

"I'VE FAILED!" the Cambodian screamed as the Javan gave the Cambodian a paper cut, the worst torture one could ever recieve.

This continued for hours until the Cambodians were all gone. Proving that the Javans did have a use. They knew how to play rock paper scissors.



"The Netherlands would like to ally with you" the Netherlands diplomat said.

Austria, having no friends, and being almost as bad with leadership as the Netherlands, jumped on the opportunity to make new friends.

"My lord! The Austrians have accepted the alliance!" a royal guard yelled running into the room.

"I said PRUSSIA! Why would the Netherlands want a friend like Austria!" Fhund screamed. "Where are the diplomats that made this mistake!"

"They left for their year long vacations sire!" the guard said while bowing.

"Why do we give them such long vacations?" Fhund asked.

"Because saying the words 'I declare war on you' is extremely exhausting and tireing. I mean, even mentioning 'I declare war on you' could have a regular person knocked out cold for months! There's no way anyone other then diplomats could ever say the words 'I declare war on you'. It strains them so much, they need a break from time to time. You know?" the guard said.

"So saying 'I declare war on you' is so utterly hard that only diplomats can say 'I declare war on you'? And when they do they get really tired from having said 'I declare war on you' and have to take a really long break from saying 'I declare war on you', lest they die?" Fhund asked. "It makes total sense!"

"I knew you would understand sire!" the royal guard said, and then ran away and left before he could be shot for having done anything wrong.



"Sir! We're taking control of Cambodia's last province! We will soon be able to annex them!" a soldier said, running into the room.

"Great! We should be able to make it home by Christmas!" Khan Gengis said.

"Umm... no we can't. Christmas is in five days. If we left today we still wouldn't make it." the soldier said.

"No, you dont understand. We wont make it home by this year's Christmas, but when we finally finish with this place in ten years or so, then we will more then likely make it home before Christmas that year!" Khan said.

"Ooh! So no matter what happens we will always make it home by Christmas!?" the soldier asked.

"Yes!" Khan replied.

The soldier rushed out to tell everyone else about the wonderful news.



"Cambodia has agreed to become part of our empire!" a royal guard said running into the room. He tripped on his way and fell over, hitting his head and getting permanent brain damage.

"This is great news! Everything has been going wonderfully today!" Fhund said as the guard wiggled around on the ground, screaming in pain.



And so Cambodia has fallen! Soon Annam will fall as well! And then Siam! And then if it's still there the other weird SE Asian place! And then Belgium will fall! And then I can defeat France (with the UK's and Germany's and Russia's and Itally's help of course... assuming some of those countries are still there)

Eleven people have been shot for incompetance! Needless to say, at least half of them deserved it!
 

unmerged(17581)

AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
8.591
8
Visit site
:rofl: And that Lackofa seems to have warmed up to the idea of shooting people for incompetence!
 

unmerged(37096)

Lt. General
Dec 21, 2004
1.528
0
unfortunately he won't be able to do it again...
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
Can anybody tell me what kind of freaking retarded keyboard has not only a capslock and numlock... but also an F key lock... that is defaulted to being unclicked!?

I took about three updates worth of pictures and was going to put an update up... only to find that I saved after three updates worth of war and rebellion to have nothing... all because of an F KEY LOCK!

oh well... after editing it probabally would have only been two updates lost...

anyway... all you need to know is that Prussia didn't accept an alliance and Bali revolted again but failed again and Cambodia was crazy about revolting and Annam has more partisans then actual soldiers...

but I can't write an AAR without pictures... I could write a fanfiction... but I already do that elsewhere and do this to get away from my typical fanfic humor... with stupid AAR picture humor...

anyway... I'll show a picture of what ended up happening...

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

(OK that was overreacting... I'll take more screenshots of the world with the next update... It will show some other things I've noticed that could be funny if you are either retarded like me or like to laugh at retards like me... coming soon unless something important pops up... and I will BS my way through it... as always)


this is the situation in SE Asia right now... more on the way soon
 

unmerged(17581)

AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
8.591
8
Visit site
Ah, poor luck! You take pictures with F11, right?

Is your computer just super-fast, or is there a moment of being 'stuck' right after you press that F11? There is on mine, and the moment actually grows into as long as half a minute when I have literally one thousand screenshots in my file. :eek:o But the moment of stuckness is helpful, as I can tell if I'm really pressing the right button, since I access my keyboard by feel. Sometimes I find out that I'm actually pressing F7 or Scroll Lock because that moment of stuckness does not come. (I wave my mouse a bit as I press the F11 button to see it better) It might have helped in this case.
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
sadly I have a supercomputer of speed and amazement... or at least it's fast enough not to lagg in a vicky game EVER (unless I paused... and even then the game might keep going on as it has a superiority complex and wont pause as that is just a kind of lagging in it's mind... yes my computer is alive... and it talks to me...)

(I never thought having a fast computer would be a bad thing... :p )
 

unmerged(17581)

AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
8.591
8
Visit site
Ha-Ha! Compensation strikes again!

Have you tried wiggling your mouse frantically while pressing F11? To see if it has any effects at all?
 
Aug 11, 2005
772
0
:rofl: Great AAR! The humor is at least as great as Rocketman's, and that's something! :)
Too bad with the F lock, but I'm sure that your next updates will pay it back!
 

unmerged(37096)

Lt. General
Dec 21, 2004
1.528
0
joebthegreat said:
sadly I have a supercomputer of speed and amazement... or at least it's fast enough not to lagg in a vicky game EVER
You mean they make a computer that never lags in vicky :eek:

I must have it...

Oh yea, I'm broke, oh well back to my 486 ;)

Keep up the good work.
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
OK peeps... I've taken pictures and been incompetant and it's time to see what happened...

thanks for posting!

anonymous4401 : I have yet to see a laggy situation on this game... except when I'm playing on a LAN (then I have 33 people in a factory of 5 and 0 in all the other factories with no ability to move my POPs to other factories despite hundreds of Irish unemployed clerks that immigrated from Ireland to Austria for some stupid reason but now dont want to work... and I lack the ability to expand railroads... and everything gets really weird... not LAGGY... just WEIRD...)

Duke of Wellington : Think of num lock... you can't use any of the number keys to the far right if it isn't on... well... F key lock is this tiny little button on the far left of my keyboard that turns itself off every time the computer is reset, turned off, or sits idle for long enough. It is annoying... and it isn't on any other keyboard at my schools or friends houses...

Lützow : Thanks! I've read a Rocketman story once... he pretty much gave up on that particular one though... :(

Quirinus308 : Yes... I am blessed to have gotten a computer on e-bay for $1,000 when the parts in it cost about $2,500 on their own.

Lurkers: :p
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
WTF just happened?

"We wanna go home!" one British soldier yelled to his captain.

"But... all the liquor!" the British general said.

"We don't care! We want to see our families again!" the British soldier yelled.

"You don't understand! NONE OF YOU CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND!" the general cried.

"We understand that you're a drunkard! Now let us go home already! They have plenty of liquor there!"

"NO! YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE! BACK HOME EVERYBODY DRINKS TEA! OH THE HORRIFYING AGONY THAT IS TEA! I won't let that happen to me. I'm never going back! You can't make me!" the general screamed.

Just then, a revolt that had been going on in Hannover for years walked by.

"What?" the soldier and general both asked looking confused.

"Me and my five-hundred men will completely destroy all of Hannover, and nothing can stop us!" the leader of the rebelion said after having taken one city in the first two years of the rebellion.

"Keep this up and you should be victorious by the end of 1870!" the British general said with encouragement.

"General! You shouldn't support rebellions! It isn't good for our reputation!" the soldier cried.

"Shut up you wanna-go-homer! Nobody asked you!" the general yelled throwing an empty bottle of liquor at him.

Just then, the entire Dutch population of Groningen rose up against the British.

"You have been drinking all of our liquor for years! We want liquor too!" the men in the crowd yelled as they charged the British line in anger.

"Come on men!" the British general said in encouragement. He then fell over and died of alcohol poisoning.

"WE HAVE BEEN VICTORIOUS!" the Dutch yelled and went back to their houses.

Without a general, the British soldiers fell over and started to twitch. Soon they had all turned into cockroaches and flew back to the hive overmind in Great Briton.

"So that explains it..." one Dutch man said accidentally stepping on one of the cockroaches. He was soon shot for his incompetance.



The Javan people had been laboring long and hard to build a port in the provence of Flores.

"Why are we building this thing anyway?" one Javan asked.

"So that the Dutch can land ships on this island!" the leader said with encouragement.

"If they can't land anybody on this island, then how did we get here?" the Javan asked.

This caused everybody to stop and think for a long hard moment. They soon decided they didn't care, as long as they got payed.

"You guys wont be getting payed by the way" the leader said.

Everyone started crying.



"Sire! The British are no longer in the Netherlands! We are soon going to colonize more islands in the Pacific South East! And in Annam we are getting screwed over by constant rebelions and partisans! I suggest making piece with Annam, so we dont have to have even more BB score and so we can consolodate our forces! Plus the men wont stop complaining and it's getting rather annoying!" Fhund's royal advisor said running into the room.

"Screw that, we have this rebellion under control. Soon all of Annam will be ours!" Fhund said laughing.

"Shut up poo poo head!" ex-King Glenn yelled sticking his tongue out at Fhund.

"No, you shut up!" Fhund yelled back sticking his tongue out at ex-King Glenn.

"Would you both stop fighting and take this more seriously!?" the advisor yelled to both of them.

This advisor was shot for his incompetance.



"Sire! We have purged the corruption in some province somewhere and nobody in that province even cared about the corruption but at least now it's gone!" one guard yelled running into the room.

"Shut up poo poo head!" Glenn said sticking his tongue out at the guard.

"Will you stop that already! You're getting on my nerves!" Fhund yelled.

With this the guard left silently. Well, almost. In the end the guard bumped into the wall on his way out. This gave him a deep cut on his right leg as he started roaming through the palace screaming in horror and agony.

Finally a guard killed him to put him out of his misery, or at least tried. In the end he just hit the wound with a blunt object, causing the other guard to scream even louder and fall over.

"Oops..." the guard said and left the other guard to lay there in pain.

Finally he was picked up by some doctors and taken to the medical wing. Sadly, when they noticed they were already full of people with malaria they decided to just throw him in the garbage can.

The guard was stuck in the garbage can, whimpering to himself. Then rats came.

Screams could be heard for hours in the medical wing. Mostly because of the doctors' ineffective methods of treating malaria by only using a scalding hot knife, and a rusty string.



"We offer you peace! We will give you all the land you have gained except the capital, where you will get our two southern lands that you have yet to gain. We will also give you an amazing three prestige!" the diplomat said walking up to Khan Gengis.

"No... I still think we can win this" Khan Gengis said dramatically.

"You will have won this if you accept this treaty!" the diplomat said.

"No... and now, to honor my predicessors... GUARDS!" Khan yelled as the guards ran in and caged the poor diplomat.

"I love war..." Khan said as he sat back and watched them drag the poor diplomat off.



"We have made it to Cambodia! Let's show those rebels what we're made of!" one Javan screamed.

So the Javans pulled out a scientific chart showing the chemical makeup of the typical Javan male. They then charged the Cambodians with this information. Most Cambodians, upon seeing this information, broke down into screams and tears, being reminded of school, and gave up immediately. Although some were brave enough to fight agains the Javans, no real resistance could be raised.

Just then one Javan turned around and pointed to the path they had just come from.

"Partisans!" the Javan yelled.

"How do they keep doing that? We've taken on more Partisans then actual Annam soldiers!" one Javan yelled.

"Yeah! This war isn't fair! You partisans are cheaters!" one Javan said with a whiney voice.

So the partisans said they were sorry and they all had some tea. Then the partisans left as the Javans puked due to the nasty taste tea had.

"Hehehehe! The trick worked! The Javans actually took our tea! They wont be able to do anything properly anymore!" the Annam leader yelled as he ran off with his men.



The Dutch general stood on a hill as his men walked by, shouting words of encouragement.

"Encourage! Support! Egg on! Persuade! Sway! Give confidence! Hearten! Push! Cheer!" the general said while looking in a thesauras.

"YAY!" the Dutch soldier cheered, hearing this wonderful speech.

"Something about never giving up!" the general said louder to the cheers of his men.

"Something about being better!" the general said as everyone went silent.

"That isn't cool... what makes us so much better than them? You're just a racist!" one soldier yelled as everyone then went silent and gave cold hard looks at their racist general.



"Hurry up men! The Cambodians are just over this hill!" the general said at the front of his army.

"Shut up racist!" one soldier yelled.

This soldier was shot for his incompetance.

"They are rebels! And as they are rebels they lack the training to take on a proper Dutch army!" the general yelled.

The Dutch looked around, praying to God that they would find a proper Dutch army by the time of the battle.



"CHARGE!" the Dutch general screamed as his men sat right where they were.

"What is it now?" the Dutch general cried in frustration.

"We're scarred" the Dutch soldiers said while huddling together and crying a little.

"Oh not again! I thought you guys were over that!" the Dutch general yelled.

With this the soldiers shook their heads in sorrow.

Twenty of them were shot for incompetance. The rest decided it would be better to charge than stay with their general.

(With the Cambodians)

Sir! They have taken twenty casualties right at the start! If we keep up this pace they will have lost everything and we wont have lost a thing!" one Cambodian yelled.

The general was persuaded by this argument and so kept everyone in their original formation, making sure none of them moved to take cover, or even moved to meet the enemy. They all just sat perfectly still, waiting for the Dutch to all die on their own.



Partisans rose up against the Dutch while screaming.

"Khan! What do you want us to do!" a soldier ran in asking their great general.

"Shoot at them" Khan said.

"Are you sure? That sounds harsh!" the soldier asked.

"Shoot them!" Khan said with assurance.

"Your tactics are always so brutal, Khan!" the soldier said and ran to tell his soldiers about the amazingly brutal tactics of Khan.

The soldiers, upon hearing these brutal tactics, barfed. They then looked at Khan with horror. He just nodded.

The Dutch shot at the Partisans, killing some. The Partisans ran away because of this.

"Wow Khan! Your tactics are amazingly brutal, but they work!" the soldiers cheered.



23 people were shot for incompetance...

OK... read that...

You dont have to read it though... you could just post saying I did a good job without reading a single thing...

In fact... would you please post telling me I did a good job and THEN read... just... just so I can feel good...
 

Duke of Wellington

Khan
8 Badges
Sep 4, 2005
10.234
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • For The Glory
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Rome Gold
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
King Glenn sounds like he was an intersting character. Darn chaeting Annamanians :mad: Good chapter, if you measure goodness by number shot for incompetence.


"We have made it to Cambodia! Let's show those rebels what we're made of!" one Javan screamed.

So the Javans pulled out a scientific chart showing the chemical makeup of the typical Javan male
:rofl:
 

unmerged(17581)

AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
8.591
8
Visit site
Good show! And racism! :rofl:
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
Incompetance in a new form

OK... to the two people who reviewed: Thanks!

To the people who read and didn't review: *I would frown here but that would require me to put more pictures in this post than what is legal*

To the people who didn't read or review: You obviously aren't going to read this either

To the people who reviewed but didn't read: Thanks!

_______________________________________________________________

As the Dutch charged their Cambodian enemies, the Cambodians held out their spears in anticipation. One Cambodian got scared and ran for cover, but he was soon shot for his incompetance.

"Hold your ground men!" the infamous Cambodian leader yelled. Leader 1 had long been made fun of for his name. People would often joke that he was generic, but he knew otherwise.

Now, he was here, fighting to recreate Cambodia, after the evil Dutch Empire had taken over. It was known throughout the world that the Dutch were just big mean stupid heads. Leader 1 hoped to show the world that resistance against the Dutch Empire was not only a possibility, but something one could do in his or her spare time.

The Dutch first wave hit... the ground. They had tripped over a rock that was slightly jutting out. Just then the second wave tripped over the first wave. The third came after that. Then came the fifth. Then came the fourth.

"What just happened men!? Why are you all piled up there!?" the Dutch general screamed yelling at his men to get up. The Cambodians just sat and watched as the Dutch were all tripping over each other, trying to get up.

"Come on men! Charge!" the general screamed.

So the Dutch charged, and hit head on against the Cambodians. Just then, one major problem hit them. They had forgotten to attach their bayonettes.

The first Dutch wave was slaughtered as men charged the Cambodians and ran into the spears that were just sticking there. The Cambodians just sat there watching as Dutch ran into the spears that were just placed there.

"Come on men! Use your GUNS! Shoot at them!" the Dutch general yelled. Various soldiers shook their heads, disaproving of the harsh methods their general wanted them to use.

The general sighed and walked up to one Cambodian, who was just sitting there. He pulled out a pistol and shot him in the face.

"See! Simple! Just shoot them! There's no need to use your bayonettes! There's no need to run into their spears! Just hurry up and shoot them!" He screamed.

With this the second wave hit. And they started running into the spears that were just sitting there. The general stopped one soldier as he was about to run into a spear.

"Stop! Don't run into the spear! If you want to run at the Cambodians go for the person, not his weapon!" the Dutch general screamed.

"And why should I listen to a racist like you?" the soldier yelled to the general and then ran into the spear.

"You people are all morons!" the Dutch general screamed. "You're almost as bad as the French!"

With this everything went silent. All the Dutch and Cambodians turned to stare at the general. The Dutch began to cry, their feelings having been hurt.

Just then, the Dutch began shooting at the Cambodians with hatred. How dare those Cambodians make them look like French.



"The Dutch are demanding our help against the Cambodian rebels. Apparently all the Dutch soldiers are scared" one Javan read.

"'K" the other Javan soldiers yelled and began to run up north.

As they were running, one Javan looked down at the Vietnamese partisans. "You're all cheating!" he screamed as he then continued on with the others.



"For crying out loud men! Why are you retreating? We've only taken about three hundred casualties! Once you guys started shooting the Cambodians just sat there, not even taking cover! You had this battle won! Why are you running away!?" the Dutch general yelled to his men as they were marching away from the Cambodians, who were still just standing there in their original formation.

"We're scared that they might start doing something! We want to get away before they start killing us!" one Dutch soldier yelled.

"You guys are worse than French! You guys are the most pathetic soldiers I've seen in all my life! You don't run away from rebels! They can't fight nearly as good as you!" the general yelled. Sadly, all his screaming was for naught. Nobody was willing to listen to this stupid racist general that hadn't even been able to defeat a rebelion.



"We're on our way to helping!" one Javan yelled as he soon ran into a wall.

This had been the condition of the Javan army for a couple of days now. They had run into a city, quite literally. Many Javans were busy running into the walls of a building, backing up a little, and doing it over again. The Javans that were lucky enough to not hit a wall were sitting there, waiting for their friends to get through.

"Hurry up!" one Javan yelled.

"This big stupid wall is here! How did you get past it?" another Javan yelled.

"Walk around it you moron!" the first Javan said.

So the second Javan walked around the wall, looked around, and then looked to the first Javan with wonder in his eyes. "That was amazing!"

And so, with this smart Javan's help, the other Javan soldiers were eventually able to get past this mysterious city.



In Hatien, the Vietnamese partisans were busy taking the city.

"You all belong to us now!" one partisan yelled.

"No we dont! We're part of the Dutch Empire now!" a citizen yelled.

"But we're here to liberate you!" the partisan screamed.

"But the Dutch give us education!" the citizen screamed.

"But we offer freedom!" the partisan bellowed.

"So do the Dutch!" the citizen bellowed.

"Stop copying me!" the partisan hollered.

"I'm not!" the citizen hollered.

"Oh..." the partisan said and walked away sadly. This was going to be a long wait.



A diplomat walked into Khan's office. Looking around nervously. Word had gotten out that no diplomat that went to talk to the Dutch ever came back.

"What do you want?" Khan asked.

"Peace" the diplomat replied.

"Stupid hippie!" Khan yelled and shot the diplomat for his incompetance.

(days later)

"Sire! The diplomat hasn't returned!" a royal guard yelled running into the capital of Annam. Sadly, as this was in Dutch hands, the royal guard was Dutch, as was Fhund.

"Well, in that case, let's just say the Dutch told us that they would accept our peace and if the Dutch say otherwise call upon the UK because the Dutch are cheating!" Fhund said in a stroke of brilliance. This was followed by an actual stroke and he fell over, dead.

"Well I guess this means I can be the king again!" ex-ex-King Glenn yelled with glee.

"Yes m'lord!" the royal guard yelled not noticing Fhund's death.

And this is how the Vietnamese managed to get peace with the Dutch.



"Sir! We are no longer at war with the Vietnamese! They want us to get out of their capital now!" a soldier yelled, running into the office of the Khan.

"What did I tell you about running in the halls!?" Khan yelled angrily.

"I'm sowwy" the soldier replied.

"Sorry isn't good enough!" Khan yelled and shot the soldier for his incompetance.

Just then Khan looked on his map. "What the hell ever happened to the Cambodian rebellion?"

(somewhere in Siam)

"I think we took a wrong turn sir!" a Cambodian soldier said to Leader 1.

Leader 1 shot this soldier for his incompetance.

(with the royalty)

"Sire! We are at peace with the Vietnamese and they want us to get out of their capitol!" a royal guard yelled running up to ex-ex-King Glenn.

"Well tell them I don't wanna!" ex-ex-King Glenn yelled sticking his tongue out at the royal guard.

So the royal guard ran out of the room to deliver the message.

Just then Glenn's mother walked into the room.

"Who's my cute little sweety pie!?" his mother cried as she ran into the room with a smile on her face.

"Aww... mom... stop that..." ex-ex-King Glenn said, blushing. "I'm a King now"

"Just because you're a King doesn't mean I can't see you any more!" his mother said.

"Actually... yes, I made a law... now get out!" ex-ex-King Glenn yelled, sticking his tongue out.

"Well... fine then!" Glenn's mother yelled and stormed out of the room.

"Sire! The Vietnamese have told us that we either get out or they kill us all!" the royal guard yelled running back into the room.

"Them and what army?" ex-ex-King Glenn asked, giggling to himself about what he had just said.

"M'lord... I suggest we leave" the royal guard said nervously.

This royal guard was shot for his incompetance.



The Javans were sleeping.



The Javans were sleeping in a city that was apparently on fire.



The British sent some of their ships to check out the mysterious Strait of Dover.

"Ahh! There's something in the water!" a British sailor screamed and started running around, scared.

This sailor was shot for his incompetance.

"That's a little trick I learned from the Dutch!" the British captain said, winking to no one in particular.

They pulled up the thing in the water.

"It's a piece of paper! It reads: We will never surrender to you evil Doverians... some day the Dutch will punish you for your crimes." the captain said.

"It's a sign! We're all going to die!" one British sailor screamed.

This sailor was shot for his incompetance.



*gasp* Are the British stealing our Dutch traditions!?

Who cares... What I care about is that I didn't get to outright annex Annam... stupid Fhund... *mad*

6 people shot for incompetance...
 

unmerged(17581)

AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
8.591
8
Visit site
Man, that general is really regretting his racism now! :rofl:

And I must say that this was the longest description of a small colonial war I have seen in a long time. :eek:
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
to the two people who actually responded to that post...

:D

to the hundreds of people who read this and are just embarassed to talk to someone as cool as me... :cool:

OK... sorry for the delay... but an update is forthcoming forthwith forthright...

:)
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
"Yar! We be rebels!" one Vietnamese man yelled as he started running around giggling madly.

"We're not pirates you idiot! We're rebels! Now start acting like one!" The Vietnamese leader shouted.

"Sir! The Dutch are sending a force to kill us all! What should we do!?" a third Vietnamese man shouted running into the room.

"I thought we were outdoors..." the leader said, stroking his elbow in thought.

"Whatever! The Dutch are coming! The Dutch are coming! By land or by sea!" the Vietnamese man yelled running through the main street of the main city. The problem was that this was a Dutch controlled city so he was soon shot.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. We should probabally take the city over in time for the Dutch counter attack..." the Vietnamese leader said.

"Yar!" the other Vietnamese rebel said, still giggling to himself.



"Hey! Did you hear? Some people up north are being rebels! We should do it too!" a Vietnamese person said to another Vietnamese person behind a Dutch guards back.

The Dutchman heard these two and shot them.

"That was unfair! Dutch people are cheaters! Kill them all!" the Vietnamese yelled and charged the poor Dutch soldier.



"Alright men! Because I seriously doubt your ability to march anywhere in a reasonable ammount of time, I have ordered that the navy come pick us all up and take us directly to the battle!" Khan yelld.

"Yay! Freedom!" the soldiers yelled back.

"Whatever... Just remember that your food will be limited and rationed and all that fun stuff..." Khan said.

"Boo!" the soldier screamed. Trying to scare Khan. It worked.

"AHH!" Khan screamed, pulling a gun he started shooting wildly, killing a few Dutch soldiers. And a Vietnamese person who was watching.

"He killed a Vietnamese person! He must be racist! Let's rebel!" the Vietnamese people yelled.

(with the North rebelion)

"The enemy is coming! What do we do!" the Vietnamese rebel yelled to the leader.

"We shoot at them!" the Vietnamese leader replied. Everyone looked at him, horrified.

"How dare you be so creul!" the rebels yelled and stormed off in anger.

Just then the Javans arrived.

"We are here to kill you!" one Javan soldier yelled. This scared all the rebels and they rand in the opposite direction. Sadly, there was an ocean in the opposite direction and they all drowned.



"Alright men... this battle will be easy. If you die today, than you are pathetic and deserved it" Khan said, giving his men a boost in morale. A few of them got moral boosts too, but that's beside the point.

(With the rebels)

"Alright men! You are the last thing standing between freedom, and opression! What say you!?" the rebel leader yelled.

"Aye!" the rebels replied.

"What does an eye have to do with anything???" the rebel leader asked in confusion.

"I dont know..." the rebels all said together at once.

"If the eye doesn't know what it's doing here than I dont want to ever see it again!" the rebel leader yelled. He soon after took out his eyes and threw them into the ocean. The rebels were inspired by this action and threw their eyes into the ocean as well.



The Dutch came charging in to the rebel camp.

"I hear them! They're here! What do we do!?" a rebel asked the leader. The leader was nowhere near this rebel though. The rebel was running around blindly until he accidentally impaled himself on a Dutchman's gun.

"Ew!" the Dutchman cried and ran away.

"We've got them on the run!" Khan said. "The bad news is that the run we've got them on is towards us! But no matter! We can still win!"

This battle raged on until Khan's brutal tactics prevailed. He had his soldiers shoot at the rebels when they were far away, and when they got close, hit them over the head with their gun.

That last stratagy didn't always work though. Sometimes a Dutchman would go to hit a rebel in the head with the back of their gun while it was loaded, and the gun would discharge, killing the Dutchman. Actually, this happened a lot, and considereably lowered the ammount of soldiers in Khan's army.



Everything was calm. Khan's brutal tactics had prevailed over the southern rebelion, and the Javans had scared the northern rebelion to death, literaly.

Just then a trumpet was heard in Khan's camp. And ex-ex-King Glenn walked into his office.

There was a note.

"Be back in 5 minutes! :)"

"Just great!" ex-ex-King yelled and sat down.

(half an hour later)

"Where is that incompetant man!?" ex-ex-King Glenn yelled and stormed off to the camp, in search of Khan.

"Sir, maybe he's on lunch break" a royal guard suggested.

This guard was shot for his incompetance.

"It's 7:30 AM! Why would he be on lunch break!?" ex-ex-King Glenn shouted.

"Actually, your watch is set to Dutch time. Here in Southeast Asia the time zone is different" another royal guard said.

ex-ex-King Glenn's watch-time-setter was shot for his incompetance.



"We don't know why we're in this boat! All we know is we need to go put down another rebelion!" a Javan screamed. All the other Javans cheered.

With this the Javans tried to run off the boat to land, they ignored the transports that were supposed to take them to the land and fell in. Sadly, many of them didn't know how to swim and died in the attempt.



"Did you hear about the rebels up to the North!? Let's copy them! It could be like that other rebelion that failed!" one cambodian yelled.

"Yeah! And we could fail just like them too!" another cambodian yelled.

With this, 800 men tried to take a city.

(up in the North)

"We own this land now! Viva la revolution!" a Frenchman yelled to all the Vietnamese rebels.

"Yay! Whatever that means we like it!" all the Vietnamese cheered.

"Wouldn't that be le revolution?" another Frenchman asked.

"No, it would definately be la revolution" the other Frenchman said.

"Why can't you just say something gender neutral like us English?" an American asked.

"Why are you even HERE?" the Frenchmen asked.

"Because... whenever the French do anything in Vietnam the Americans have to be there too" the American said. "It's in the contract!"

With this the Vietnamese shrugged and killed all three of them.

"Ik ben nog in leven! Ja!" a Dutchman screamed.

The Vietnamese shot him too.



"Hey! There's a North and a South rebelion! Let's make a center rebelion!" a Cambodian yelled.

"Ja!" a bunch of Dutchmen yelled.

With this, a Dutch revolution was born.

(in the North)

The Vietnamese began to march south.

They met the Javans.

Everyone shook hands and met and had a good time. Then the Vietnamese decided they wouldn't kill another minority in the Dutch empire... and they went for scones.

Sadly, all the scones were in the UK. This drove the Vietnamese mad.

There was a battle.

The Vietnamese lost.



"They might outnumber us almost 1000 to 1! But we can still win this!" the rebel leader shouted.

"No we can't!" the rebels cried.

(with the center revolution)

"A Dutch army is comeing our way!" a Dutchman yelled.

"Is it competant?" another Dutchman asked.

"No! They're Dutch! Dutch are never competant!" the Dutchman yelled.

"Then we just might have a chance..." the Dutch leader said, laughing.



:( ... rebels are everywhere...

That's fine though... Soon the world will be mine!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

two or three people shot for incompetance... I'm too lazy to check