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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

joebthegreat

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(Please go easy on me, I am an attention craving little boy with no life :( )

I know what you're thinking. I also know seven plus five, and my mom tells me that is a very special thing. Anyway, having just gotten the game three days ago I have decided I have enough mad skillz to destroy the entire world as the Netherlands! So it's time we see what I have to work with. Don't worry, I know how to write semi-okish and will do this in story format, as soon as we get this stupid rant-filled paragraph out of the way.


Starting at war with a a great power... notice the Strait of Dover as this will be important to the plot.

The wonderful province of Liege... sunshine and flowers were everywhere as happy bunnies and unicorns frolicked through the happy trees and bright green grass. Aufsheen Horzhewitz was a typical happy Dutchman. As a typical Dutchman his name was annoyingly hard to spell, but it was always fun to say. He was out gathering flowers for his girlfriend. Soon the sky blackened as evil Belgian forces marched through. The happy flowers shriveled and the bunnies and unicorns were forced to flee to France. Somewhere no sane mind would ever want to go. Aufsheen, however, boldly stood his ground against the marching Belgian army.

"I wont let you past!" Aufsheen said holding his hand out in defiance.

The Belgians shot him. Those dirty, evil, unloving, mean, bad, rude, stinky, close-relations-with-France-so-they-must-have-problems Belgians!

When news of this reached the king (King Graugermauf) he looked off in the general direction of Belgium thoughtfully.

"It is time" he said dramatically and then sat down and fell asleep. He had said his dramatic quote and was done for the day.

This was the Netherlands in 1836. Everything was set up for either a really glorius victory, or a pathetic failure.

A little kid drowned while swimming in the Strait of Drover. The Netherlands have declaired war upon the strait and are sending what men they can to take care of this unsafe border.
 

unmerged(37096)

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Ah Joeb,

Writing your first AAR. I remember when I wrote my first AAR, oh wait I'm still writing it.

Anyway, good luck and don't under-estimate the Belgians. After all they make a pretty mean waffle.
 

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Wonderful, a new Vicky AAR! But I do wonder why so many new writers say 'please go easy on me'. Because if you are at the point of saying that, that means that you aren't the kind of person that would write something that was truly offensive, since they can't even get it through their thick, stupid heads that somebody might possibly take offense, with a 'if you don't like it, leave!' attitude. And if you're just worried about quality, well, if an AAR is really that bad, the only people posting in it will be people trying to be nice and people that honestly don't know better, so either way you'll only get praise! ;)
 

joebthegreat

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anonymous: Well the thing is I've been assaulted out of my mind at some places because they figured I was a pompous jerk who thought I was better than everyone. Do you think it's the name??? Meh, I dont care! (that was a pathetic attempt wasn't it?) I just like to say random humble things to show that I dont think I'm better than everyone... I seem to be a little paranoid that way.

Quirinus: I played as Netherlands once before (my comp crashed before I could save :mad: ) so I know how tough they are... it will be fine though, If it goes at it's worst it makes for a great AAR and if it goes at it's best then we all get waffles!

Jingles: you could say I have experiance at writing anything except the start to a story. I'm almost 100% positive this will get better. Hope you enjoy!

OK my only three readers at the moment (seeing as how I dont read what I type... I just randomly hit the keyboard and pray it works)! I wont be able to update tomorrow so I think I'll do one really late at night. This one will be in the style of romantic-comedy!!!

...

on second thought, how about no...
 

joebthegreat

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Those blasted Belgians!

The Netherlands were busy in war preparations. Word had spread fast about Belgium going against the Netharlands and people were running in circles screaming.

(In that one province north of Liege... I can't name it but in the first picture it's the farthest east army)

One youth, named Fraug Oscarmyer, was busy digging trenches in preparation for an innevitable Belgian assault.

"What are you doing there boy! Dont dig in until you've recieved your orders!" an officer yelled walking up to him.

"But sir! I have nothing to do, and we know the enemy is coming!" Fraug complained.

"Stop complaining and get to work!" the officer barked.

"But... you just said..."

"I dont want to hear any of your excuses! I'll have you thrown in the, umm, the place we throw people like you!" the officer screamed.

"Orders have come down from the head general! He says to dig in!" one soldier yelled running to the officer.

"Don't interrupt me while I'm punishing a do-nothing no-good dirty-mouthed soldier like this one!" the officer bellowed pushing the soldier away.

"But... sir! He said we can dig! That's what I was doing!" Fraug cried trying desperately to get the officer to leave him alone.

"More of this and I'll send you to France to help in the mime factories!" the officer acronym-to-yelled at Fraug. Fraug was silenced by this horrid threat.

So the soldiers all dug in seven foot deep cement reinforced trenches with headquarters and lighting and telecomunications despite the lack of these technologies having been invented. They had a state-of-the-art artillery system in the back that could hit a flea dead on that was travelling 35 mph away from them. The problem with this system is that was about the only thing it knew how to hit and wasn't much use against actual soldiers.

After digging everything in and setting up at thier positions ready for assault everyone was ready for when the enemy came.

...

they didn't.

"I'm bored" one soldier yelled in the middle of the silence.


We plan to hold off in the East and gain some small area's in the west and then beg for mercy right then and there

(With the imperial navy)

"Alright men! Prepare to move out against the Strait of Drover! Those vile Droverians have done it to us for the last time!" The captain of the FFS Ruebarknerforber yelled to his men.

They set sail against the enemy. and in one day made it to the vile Strait of Drover in time to see a mean face drawn in the water somehow.

"AHH!!!" one of the sailors screamed backing away from the face, he backed up so far he fell off the other side of the ship and into the water.

"IT'S ATTACKING!!!" the captain screamed telling his men to charge with everything they had. They did so not realizing they were on a boat and all fell off the front end.

"FALL BACK!!!" the captain cried as the survivors ran back in an attempt to escape. They fell off the back of the boat.

"THEY'VE GOT US SURROUNDED!" The captain screamed before getting knocked out by another captain that had boarded his ship in the middle of these antics.

"What a moron" the captain said walking away shaking his head in shame at the Netherland's poor choise in captains.


Those cursed Strait of Drovereese are going to pay for their crimes agains the Netherlands!

As the war with the Belgians escalated into something actually important, it came time for leaders of the great nations to decide what they should do in this crisis. They called a meeting to declare where they stood.

"Hamburg, the great and almighty superpower with no equal, declares that it has no idea how in the hell it got that title and is currently spending all it's resourses to look in to this matter" said the diplomat from Hamburg.

"France has declared that it doesn't really care as long as people like her" said a diplomat from France.

"When did France become a girl?" the other diplomat asked, in confusion.

"You see... when a guy doesn't feel... like... a guy... well..." the other diplomat was explaining when the next announcement came.

"The Prussians have decided to see our friends, the Netherlands, through this tough time and declares war on the Belgians! May we stand together, dear friend" the Prussian diplomat tried to say dramatically but was just laughed at. Then everyone realized how powerful Prussia was and decided to stop laughing lest they make Prussia angry. Except Russia... Russia was definately laughing.

"The United Kingdom declairs war on the Netherlands as we have nothing better to do" the UK diplomat said.

"Russia doesn't care" the Russian said and then fell over, drunk.

"Belgium would like to remain neutral in this conflict" the Belgian diplomat said.

"Umm... you're the one who declared war..." King Graugermauf said as he was the leader of this meeting.

"Ohh..." the Belgian diplomat said.

Whoever else was there was sleeping through this meeting so it was ignored.


Crap

(With the strongest army the Netherlands had to offer)

"Come on men! We still have more power than any of the Belgian armies! We're right next to one of thier weakest ones and that leads on a path to our capital where we can get reinforcements and defeat the remaining Belgians!" General Lackof Agoodname yelled to his troops.

"I'm scared" one soldier whined.

"Why!? We have a numeric advantage of 3-1 against both of these armies and once we get more men we'll be unstoppable!"

"I just dont wanna" another soldier said as everyone started mumbling.

Just then the weakest army in Belgium attacked the strongest army in the Netherlands.

"COME ON MEN! IF NOT FOR YOUR COUNTRY THEN FOR YOUR LIVES! AND IF NOT FOR THAT THEN FOR YOUR LIQUOR FACTORY!" Lackof yelled as he led the charge. In fact, he was the only one who charged. Everyone else just kind of mumbled and stumbled forward.

When the Belgians got within a mile the Netherlandians realized there were enemies close and started a mad dash in the opposite direction.

"WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING!?" Lackof screamed to his men. They were out of earshot though and Lackof just had to sigh and sit down, watching his army run away from the most obvious victory he had ever seen.


What I hate is the fact that the Prussians sent two divisions into my land and before they could do anything with them they just left and never came back


the Netherlands after the war.


on the small island of Curacaopy a poor little boy fell over and hit his head. Poor little guy.

(No matter... I didn't really expect to win that war... and now that it's over it's time to build up for the next one!)
 

unmerged(37096)

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Great stuff

Bummer about the war, if you had accepted the peace event you wouldn't have lost Luxumburg, but your way showed much better gamesmanship

Love all the names
Fraug Oscarmyer
Lackof Agoodname

And of course the French mime factories
 

Snake IV

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Hey, I didn't know that you where in the Vicky AAR buisness, though you just visited the plain Vicky forum. Of course I couldn't know that as I ain't from the Vickey forum, none of them.

In my first (and olny) real vicky game I also played the Netherlands. I found them quite good and could spare enough to have highest infra on all of Borneo just for fun.
 

coz1

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Oh man - I clicked on this thinking I'd see underwear models. Where's Heidi Klum?!? :mad: :p

Oh well, I guess I can stay for the comedy. Good luck. :D
 

unmerged(17581)

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Mime factories! :rofl:

This is shaping up to be a good AAR!
 

Jingles

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Hilarious AAR. Great job so far. At least you stuck it to the Belgians. Giving them Luxemburg will make them think twice about messing with you again! :D

"The Prussians have decided to see our friends, the Netherlands, through this tough time and declares war on the Belgians! May we stand together, dear friend" the Prussian diplomat tried to say dramatically but was just laughed at. Then everyone realized how powerful Prussia was and decided to stop laughing lest they make Prussia angry. Except Russia... Russia was definately laughing.
:rofl:
 

joebthegreat

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killing three birds with only five stones

Quirinus308 : glad you like it... I for one would rather die than be forced to work in one of those mime factories, although mimes seem to be doing quite nicely on the world market right now.

Snake IV : I just started actually... so I never didn't not lie to you. From what I can tell in the Netherlands it's got a fun actiony start... and from there you can either go on a road to glory, or ruin your country really fast. That's perfect for an AAR.

coz1 : Actually we're having a sell on bras in the Netherlands right now! Come quick before we run out!

anonymous4401 : Thanks! Although I'm offended that you would say it's shaping up to be a good AAR... SHAPING UP??? That would mean it isn't yet there! What are you trying to say???

Jingles : Glad you like it. And yes, that is my grand plan, force them to deal with the problem that is... Luxemburg!

_________________________________________________________________

OK... because I am still getting used to parts of the game here's a quick question...

when at peace, is it smart to lower Army and Navy Matenence??? Is it good to lower defence spending??? My thought is that you dont need high defence spending if you have the goods required to increase your mobility... then you mobilize and increase defence spending and you get a huge manpower spike...

I dont know this... what I usually do is just leave those fully funded... but I see others doing different things... WHAT DO I DO???

_________________________________________________________________

Well... because I dont want to leave this day without any updates, and I dont want to ruin the Netherlands economy TOO much just yet, I will instead do a little side story about why the Prussians never helped, and also what was going on in Austria at the time. Austria was an ally that had forgotten to actually tell any of the other countries what their official stance was. This might be because the Austrian diplomat was asleep at the meeting of great powers deciding what to do about this war. Whatever, on to the story!

The mood was dark and eerie in Berlin. Otto von Bismark was playing a game of ping pong with his brother, Auto von Bismark. Just then a royal guard ran into the room.

"Sir! We have important news about the Belgians!" the guard yelled.

"Shut up and get out! Can't you see I'm busy!" Otto yelled in anger, slamming his paddle into one of the balls, sending it flying into Auto's eye, slightly blinding him.

"But sir..." the guard started.

"Did you not hear me correctly the first time???" Otto yelled slamming the ball again, sending it into Auto's face and knocking him over, giving him slight brain damage.

The guard sighed and left. Vowing to return the next day.

The next day the guard forgot and then was awakened by his friends and they went out and partied until late at night with beer and beer and... beer... the Prussians didn't really have anything else to do at thier parties. Just as the guard was going to sleep he remembered his vow.

"Crap" the guard said going to sleep. He promised to himself and God that he would go the next day.

"Put a typical God joke here!" Satan yelled.

A typical God joke was put here.

The next day the guard remembered his plan and headed to Otto's room.

"Sir! We are at war with the Belgians! What would you like us to do!?" the guard asked.

"Shut up! I'm still busy with this game!" Otto yelled swinging his paddle so hard it flew out of his hands and hit Auto in the mouth, knocking his teeth out and into his tongue, making it impossible for him to speak.

"But you've been playing that game for two days now!" the guard yelled.

"Really??? Time sure flies when you're having fun!" Otto said hitting the ball and losing control of his swing, thus hitting the table and causing it to snap in two. This caused the table to fall over and hit Auto in the foot. When Auto went to hold his foot from this pain he lost his balance and fell over onto the mangled mass of wood that was the ping pong table. This got splinters all over Auto. Otto then fell over and fell asleep due to sleep deprivation.

Two days later Otto woke up in a hospital.

"It's OK sir. You just need your sleep" a nurse said looking into Otto's eyes as he woke up. She was beautiful.

"I'll need more than just sleep, if you know what I mean" Otto said winking. The nurse just blushed and looked down smiling. Suddenly she pulled out a can of mace and sprayed it all over Otto's eyes. Otto von Bismark started screaming in pain and horror.

Because modern day styled mace hadn't been invented yet, this mace was made out of a combination of sulpher, furtilizer, and machine parts. Needless to say that was some prettty damn expensive mace and Otto had some in his eyes, making him worth back then what would ammount to almost one trillion dollars in todays market.

A week later Otto was let out of the hospital and soon went back to his mansion. He planned on playing more ping pong with Auto. When he got there he saw Auto laying on the ground, in the same position as when Otto fell over due to sleep deprivation.

"Who did this to you???" Otto asked holding his dear brother close to him.

"Der... da... askfjr... aasrsdc... Bee..." Auto said in his retarded and painful state, pointing at Otto. Otto looked nervously at the guards who were in the room.

"Umm... he said Belgium did it... umm... yeah... LETS GET REVENGE ON THE BELGIANS!!!" Otto screamed as everyone else in the room cheered.

(On the Prussian/Belgian border)

There was no Prussian/Belgian border.

"What are we going to do captain?" a young soldier, Hoershteen von Mechalwitz, asked his general.

The general shot this soldier for his incompetance.

Soon the Prussians had an attack force large enough to turn the tide of the battle. They prepared to attack.

(In Austria)

The Austrian diplomat, Marnique Foheetzmarner, had failed his country by not remembering to tell everyone that Austria was in support of the Netherlands. He planned to make it up to his country, by leading an army of 30,000 volunteers into the Netherlands to help in the war. They soon reached the Prussian border.

"Let us through!" Marnique yelled to the Prussian guards.

"No!" the Prussian guards yelled back.

"We ask permission to move through this land on our way to the war between the Netherlands and the Belgians!" Marnique yelled.

"What war???" one Prussian guard asked. Some random soldier in the back had heard the word war mentioned and ran back to the barracks screaming.

"WAR!!! EVERYONE WATCH OUT!!! THE AUSTRIANS ARE COMING WITH WAR!!!" the soldier screamed waking everyone up. They soon realized what they had to do and grabbed their weapons.

It was a slaughter, every Austrian soldier had died. Fortunately the volunteers were N. Italian, Austria wouldn't miss them.

(Back with the Prussians)

"Sir... something's going on on our south border!" a soldier yelled to Otto von Bismark.

Otto tried to turn to the south but fell off his horse in the process, he was trampled. With Otto out the next in command, a Belgian, had taken over.

"Let's leave and go to the border of France, a neutral country, instead!" the Belgian said. The army nodded in agreement as that made complete sense.

Two weeks later Otto von Bismark woke back up in a hospital. The same nurse that was there last time was here too.

"Hey baby..." Otto said seductively.

The nurse pulled out a hammer and hit Otto's jewels with them.

"What was that all about???" Otto asked taking his jewels (ruby and emerald) off the table and putting them back in his pocket. The nurse just shrugged and left.

Two months later Otto was let out of the hospital again. He decided that if he was ever going to invade Belgium, now would be the time. He got on his horse, pulled out his sword, and charged, completely ignoring the perfectly good train system right next to him.

By the time Otto got to the Western border he noticed that nobody was there. He decided the only thing the Netherlands needed was him anyway and charged the Belgians.

He was shot.

Otto von Bismark died, before having ever seen a united Germany.

(the Prussian/Franco border)

The Prussians were all lined up on one side. The French, on the other side, had a team of specialist mimes create an invisible wall that wouldn't allow anyone through unless getting permission from everyone through a declaration of war.

"That's not fair!" one soldier cried after running at the border full speed and just slapping into the wall with a crackling noise.

The mimes just winked at this soldier and ran away.

This is when the Netherlands gave up on getting any form of support from it's allies. This is when the war ended.
 
Last edited:

joebthegreat

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*crying*

Did you all hate that last update THAT much???

Whatever... I dont need any help with the economy anymore... so whatever...
 

unmerged(37096)

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joebthegreat said:
when at peace, is it smart to lower Army and Navy Matenence??? Is it good to lower defence spending??? My thought is that you dont need high defence spending if you have the goods required to increase your mobility... then you mobilize and increase defence spending and you get a huge manpower spike...
I'm confused, WHY ARE YOU AT PEACE. Wipe those girly tears away and Go attack something... :D :D :D

Seriously though,
Definately lower your navy slider, and the army slider depends on how quickly you plan to be at war again. A long protracted peace would allow you to justify lowering your army expenditures, but remember your units will no longer be at full strength while the army is under-funded.

But seriously go attack something :D
May I suggest...
Sweden
 

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This is Victoria! It's not as active as the others... :(
 

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:rofl:
What are we going to do captain?" a young soldier, Hoershteen von Mechalwitz, asked his general.

The general shot this soldier for his incompetance.
 

joebthegreat

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Netherland's fetish for Southeast Asia

After it's humiliating defeat at the hands of Belgian rebels, King Graugermauf could be heard crying in a girly voice.

"I hate you! You're all just a bunch of meanies! I'm leaving!" the king yelled as he ran, with his entire army, into the transports of the navy. This navy took them to Southeast Asia, the one place where the Netherlands still had some form of power. After picking up some native soldiers in the area they sat and prepared for war with the Kingdom of Johore.



"We declare war on you!" yelled Captain Fargus Greenoob at the army in Pahang.

"You can't do that! You don't have a diplomat with you!" yelled one of Johore's soldiers back.

"But... we're right here! We have three divisions! We want to declare war on you!" Fargus cried.

"Sorry! But you're going to have to wait for a diplomat to get here!" the soldier yelled back.

"OK fine! We'll just wait here then!" Fargus screamed and went to his sleeping quarters.



"It's been over a month Captain!" a young soldier, Smirnoff Budwies, yelled.

"I know... but that diplomat still isn't here..." Captain Fargus said, crying.

"I know how we could get more diplomats!" Smirnoff said with a grin.

"How?" Captain Fargus asked looking up at this soldier.

"If we declared war on someone, we would get one extra diplomat!"

Captain Fargus started crying again, even harder this time.

"What? Isn't that a perfect idea?" Smirnoff asked.



Meanwhile, in the Netherlands...

"Sir, are we ever going to go home?" A British soldier asked.

"And leave this liquor factory!? Screw that!" the British general yelled.



"We declare war on you!" the diplomat screamed.

"You can't without a... Oh sh**!" The Johore soldier screamed.

"Ok then... my job is done here..." the diplomat said and went home for his year long, well earned vacation.

"I swear those diplomats have it way to easy" Captain Fargus said, shaking his head.



"CHARGE!" Yelled King Graugermauf, then going to sleep as he had done his inspirational thing for the day.

The three divisions all charged, full speed, towards the 1000 man army that was Johore.

"We can win this!" yelled the Johore captain. Soon after he was shot.

"Come on men!" Smirnoff yelled as he led 20 people into a charge. "Hey! Why aren't there more of us!?" Smirnoff asked.

"Oh, the others got scared and ran away" one soldier said.

"Stupid Netherland soldiers! Let's show them how it's done!" Smirnoff said charging.

They got mowed down.

"If not for your country then for the fact that killing them will be fun!" yelled General Lackof Agoodname. This was met by a hearty cheer. Everyone in the Netherland's army then charged.

The battle raged on until only 10 soldiers were left in the Johore army.

"I think we should retreat sir" a Johore soldier said.

"Nonsence! We can still win! Besides, they wont be able to do anything without a diplomat!" the Johore general said.

"Actually... no we're screwed" the soldier said.

"OK fine..." the general said ordering a retreat.

All ten of the soldiers ran untill they found themselves confronting a tiger. One soldier tried to shoot it, but his gun just made a clicking sound.

"Crap" they all said in unison.

And this is the last we saw of Johore's official army.



"Ok then! After that glorious victory..." Lackof started.

"Actually, it was kind of pathetic... we lost over five thousand trained men to defeat one thousand backwater natives." one soldier stated.

This soldier was shot for his incompetance.

"The only reason we loose so many troops is because you people keep wanting to run away from obvious victories!" Lackof yelled at the men. "But that doesn't matter. We're sending our Javan native soldiers to take Johor, the smaller and less important province in this area. We should be done with this war in less than a month now!"



"I'm bored!" one native soldier said as they were trying to take the province over. Sadly, they didn't know what they were supposed to do to take the province in the name of the Netherlands, so they just walked around looking for a fight.

"Death to the imperialists!" yelled a rebel jumping out at the soldiers with a stick. The soldiers aimed their guns at him.

"Hey! That isn't fair! You get guns and all I get is this stick!?" the rebel yelled.

"He's right you know... we should be more fair..." said one of the soldiers.

"OK" the other soldier said as they put thier guns down and picked up sticks of thier own.

"OK... that's more fair" the rebel said and charged them. He was beaten to death by the soldiers.

"That wasn't fair... there were two of you taking me on at once..." the rebel said with his dying breath.

"That was true. We weren't being very fair towards the poor rebel..." the soldiers said.

Just then five rebels jumped out with guns and shot the soldiers.

"Hey! That wasn't fair!" the soldiers said in anger.

"You're right... you have the right to shoot us back" the rebels said. Every shot by the soldiers was a headshot, killing the rebels.

"Now when you think about that, that wasn't very fair. Those soldiers only shot us in the leg and in the stomach" one soldier said, he then died from having gotten shot in the stomach.

"I'm such a cheater!" the other soldier cried and shot himself.



"We finally defeated the stupid Johore people!" Lackof Agoodname yelled with glee as he looked at the signed paper granting all the lands in Johore to the Netherlands.

"Yes... our nation's time has come, we will have our rightful place in the sun!" King Graugermauf said dramatically and boldly to the world.

"So what's next for our empire?" Lackof asked.

The king looked north, and then fell asleep.



(I want to own all of Southeast Asia! But the stupid UK will probabally get in my way, as always)
 

joebthegreat

Practitioner of "Calm Rage"
6 Badges
May 13, 2006
486
2
  • Diplomacy
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • 500k Club
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
replying to what people have said...

Quirinus308 : Who wants Sweeden!? That place is cold! I'd rather have a tropical paradise of an empire.

anonymous4401 : I know... but I'm still a very paranoid person...

weychun : Of course I will... this is a fun game, I couldn't force myself to not play it.

Yoy21 : Glad you like it. Stop rolling on the floor though, you might get dirty.

lurkers: :mad: POST! POST NOW! I DEMAND IT! Actually I dont care, as long as you read this and like it I'm fine... :)