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I wouldn't count on it - Willem might get fed up with the brown-nosing
That's exactly what I was expecting when I read this update! Till next time, I guess.
morningSIDEr: He did survive, for now... But I think thats more of a tribute to his own greatness than a detriment to Willem's.
Malurous: Practicality is for noobs! Bourbons have no need of practicality!
JDMS: He survived one update, thats no reason to be optimistic!
Krokerik: I know. I'm beginning to think so too. Oh, and that typo has kinda just become a part of the general craziness of the thread. It is a bit annoying that I can't edit the title of my own thread
dinofs: I know, those reforms are amazing! Not that anyone was having much luck stopping me before the reforms.
theconfusedone: Yep. Spain, here I come. Watch out world!
Thanks again to Sybot for the honor of being Writer of the Week! And thank you all for your congratulations.
Malurous: Practicality is for noobs! Bourbons have no need of practicality!
JDMS: He survived one update, thats no reason to be optimistic!
Krokerik: I know. I'm beginning to think so too. Oh, and that typo has kinda just become a part of the general craziness of the thread. It is a bit annoying that I can't edit the title of my own thread
dinofs: I know, those reforms are amazing! Not that anyone was having much luck stopping me before the reforms.
theconfusedone: Yep. Spain, here I come. Watch out world!
Thanks again to Sybot for the honor of being Writer of the Week! And thank you all for your congratulations.
Willem: So adviser, who should my next target be?
Adviser: Sweden.
Willem: Hmm. An interesting pick. Why Sweden?
Adviser: Because they refused to hand over their capitol to Your Highness following our previous war we had with them, despite your most reasonable demand.
Willem: Ah! Your right! To Sweden!!
Courtier 1: How long do you figure the new guy can keep this up?
Courtier 2: I bet you 10 ducats he doesn't last ten years.
Willem: If you like your capitol so much, why don't you just stay there?!
Adviser: My Lord, we should also take their colonies as punishment for their insolence.
Willem: Oh yes, I had forgotten.
I don't see Sweden ever moving their capitol out to the Caribbean, so I'm just going to go ahead and wipe them out.
For the first time ever, German troops land on the Americas themselves.
I didn't even remember they had that place up in Canada, my vassals got that. Thanks guys.
Adviser: My Lord, several monarchs have made laws declaring themselves head of the church in their kingdoms. This would get us a negligible amount of prestige, in exchange all the remaining Catholics will hate us.
Willem: Sounds good! Where do I sign?
Adviser: Your Highness, lets go kill some Bishops!
Willem: Have I ever told you you're my best adviser ever?
The Bishop of Cologne begged for mercy, but of course Willem was much too brave to accept his surrender and he personally led the charge that brought the tiny Bishopric to its knees (which ironically, is probably where it already was)
Their friends in Munster don't last much longer.
Willem: Ha ha! What fun! Adviser, see that the Bishops are beheaded immediately, I'm going to head over to Portugal to end this war!
Woot! My last core for Spain!
The King of Portugal finally realized that defending Europe from German aggression was a lost cause.
He gave up a large part of his European holdings. Then he left the continent altogether.
Willem: Alright! To Madrid!
Adviser: Of course, Sire.
Willem: Of course?
Adviser: Yes, its a brilliant decision! The best place I could possibly think of to put our nation's capitol.
Willem: Actually I was thinking of putting it in Salamanca instead.
Adviser: Oh, yes, naturally, that would of course be much better.
Willem: Oh, it would, would it?
Adviser: Yes... I mean of course... uh, you're awesome!!!
Willem: Your constant agreeing grows tiresome.
Adviser: My Lord, hear me out before you have me beheaded, I beg you lets settle this like gentlemen!
Willem: A fine idea! Where's my sword?! A duel it is!
Adviser: Not exactly what I had in mind, but meh, its better then the alternative!
The whole court quickly assembled in the courtyard to witness the Emperor's dual. To not show up was, of course, punishable by death, so they had a pretty good turn out.
Willem: Ok, lets go over a few ground rules.
1. Not cheering for the Emperor is punishable by death.
2. Umm... well thats pretty much it.
Oh! Wait! 3. We fight to the death! GO!
And with that the two opponents faced off. The cheers from the crowd were exclusively in favor of the Emperor, but it was clear that their hearts were with the adviser. However, the Emperor had been trained in swordsmanship from an early age, while the adviser was basically a peasant that they had pulled off the street a few years ago. The Emperor clearly had the upper hand, delivering several serious injuries to the adviser in the first few minutes of fighting. The adviser finally collapsed to the ground, unable to fight on.
Willem: Do you yield?
Adviser: If I do, what will happen?
Willem: You'll be beheaded.
Adviser: I see. And if I don't yield?
Willem: I'll behead you.
Adviser: Well in that case I both yield and do not yield at the same time!
Willem: :wacko:
After mulling over it for a while, trying to decide whether he should behead him or behead him, the Emperor finally made up his mind.
Willem: Very well, I accept and reject your yield and non-yield and will therefore BOTH behead you AND behead you! You brought this on yourself.
And with that, he beheaded the adviser... twice???
Willem: I hear by proclaim with this victory, that our great Empire has now become the empire of Spain!!!
Noble: What does your victory in a dual have to do with our Empire changing names?
Willem: What does your head have to do with the rest of your body?
Noble: ...
Willem: Thats what I thought! Behead him. Man, I'm on a roll today!
Here's a map of the new Spanish Empire:
I'm pretty much in the same state as last time, only now Sweden is a OPM. There is now only one Catholic theocracy left (besides the Pope).
Adviser: Sweden.
Willem: Hmm. An interesting pick. Why Sweden?
Adviser: Because they refused to hand over their capitol to Your Highness following our previous war we had with them, despite your most reasonable demand.
Willem: Ah! Your right! To Sweden!!
Courtier 1: How long do you figure the new guy can keep this up?
Courtier 2: I bet you 10 ducats he doesn't last ten years.
Willem: If you like your capitol so much, why don't you just stay there?!
Adviser: My Lord, we should also take their colonies as punishment for their insolence.
Willem: Oh yes, I had forgotten.
I don't see Sweden ever moving their capitol out to the Caribbean, so I'm just going to go ahead and wipe them out.
For the first time ever, German troops land on the Americas themselves.
I didn't even remember they had that place up in Canada, my vassals got that. Thanks guys.
Adviser: My Lord, several monarchs have made laws declaring themselves head of the church in their kingdoms. This would get us a negligible amount of prestige, in exchange all the remaining Catholics will hate us.
Willem: Sounds good! Where do I sign?
Adviser: Your Highness, lets go kill some Bishops!
Willem: Have I ever told you you're my best adviser ever?
The Bishop of Cologne begged for mercy, but of course Willem was much too brave to accept his surrender and he personally led the charge that brought the tiny Bishopric to its knees (which ironically, is probably where it already was)
Their friends in Munster don't last much longer.
Willem: Ha ha! What fun! Adviser, see that the Bishops are beheaded immediately, I'm going to head over to Portugal to end this war!
Woot! My last core for Spain!
The King of Portugal finally realized that defending Europe from German aggression was a lost cause.
He gave up a large part of his European holdings. Then he left the continent altogether.
Willem: Alright! To Madrid!
Adviser: Of course, Sire.
Willem: Of course?
Adviser: Yes, its a brilliant decision! The best place I could possibly think of to put our nation's capitol.
Willem: Actually I was thinking of putting it in Salamanca instead.
Adviser: Oh, yes, naturally, that would of course be much better.
Willem: Oh, it would, would it?
Adviser: Yes... I mean of course... uh, you're awesome!!!
Willem: Your constant agreeing grows tiresome.
Adviser: My Lord, hear me out before you have me beheaded, I beg you lets settle this like gentlemen!
Willem: A fine idea! Where's my sword?! A duel it is!
Adviser: Not exactly what I had in mind, but meh, its better then the alternative!
The whole court quickly assembled in the courtyard to witness the Emperor's dual. To not show up was, of course, punishable by death, so they had a pretty good turn out.
Willem: Ok, lets go over a few ground rules.
1. Not cheering for the Emperor is punishable by death.
2. Umm... well thats pretty much it.
Oh! Wait! 3. We fight to the death! GO!
And with that the two opponents faced off. The cheers from the crowd were exclusively in favor of the Emperor, but it was clear that their hearts were with the adviser. However, the Emperor had been trained in swordsmanship from an early age, while the adviser was basically a peasant that they had pulled off the street a few years ago. The Emperor clearly had the upper hand, delivering several serious injuries to the adviser in the first few minutes of fighting. The adviser finally collapsed to the ground, unable to fight on.
Willem: Do you yield?
Adviser: If I do, what will happen?
Willem: You'll be beheaded.
Adviser: I see. And if I don't yield?
Willem: I'll behead you.
Adviser: Well in that case I both yield and do not yield at the same time!
Willem:
:wacko: After mulling over it for a while, trying to decide whether he should behead him or behead him, the Emperor finally made up his mind.
Willem: Very well, I accept and reject your yield and non-yield and will therefore BOTH behead you AND behead you! You brought this on yourself.
And with that, he beheaded the adviser... twice???
Willem: I hear by proclaim with this victory, that our great Empire has now become the empire of Spain!!!
Noble: What does your victory in a dual have to do with our Empire changing names?
Willem: What does your head have to do with the rest of your body?
Noble: ...
Willem: Thats what I thought! Behead him. Man, I'm on a roll today!
Here's a map of the new Spanish Empire:
I'm pretty much in the same state as last time, only now Sweden is a OPM. There is now only one Catholic theocracy left (besides the Pope).
I knew that it was destined to happen. At least the adviser went down fighting! :rofl:
Onwards, to Russia! When is that possible? After that, France should be simple and Scandinavia will be available about 50 years from now. And then... it gets really interesting
When is that possible? After that, France should be simple and Scandinavia will be available about 50 years from now. And then... it gets really interesting 
Let me wager a guess.
The theocracy left is Alsace.
And courtier two lost ten ducats!
The advisor lasted for 10.5 years!
The theocracy left is Alsace.
And courtier two lost ten ducats!
The advisor lasted for 10.5 years!
Nice to see a tag change and a duel. Clearly Willem beheaded the poor advisor twice to make up for not having done so in the last update. Congratulations on the award too!
dinofs & JDMS: Yea, that adviser will probably go down in history as the best adviser the house of Bourbon has ever had!
mayorqw: Just Stockholm.
Malurous: I was almost ready to form Russia at the end of the last update.
Johan11: I think Alsace is a theocracy, but its Protestant, so it doesn't matter. The only Catholic theocracy left is Avignon. Yep, courtier 2 lost 10 ducats. Shame on him for underestimating the adviser.
morningSIDEr: Thanks!
mayorqw: Just Stockholm.
Malurous: I was almost ready to form Russia at the end of the last update.
Johan11: I think Alsace is a theocracy, but its Protestant, so it doesn't matter. The only Catholic theocracy left is Avignon. Yep, courtier 2 lost 10 ducats. Shame on him for underestimating the adviser.
morningSIDEr: Thanks!
Willem: Wow, being Spain is awesome, it makes me feel so powerful. I'm King, the Emperor, and the Pope all in one!
Adviser: Pope?
Willem: Draw up the law and I'll sign it.
Willem: Where'd you come from anyway?
Adviser: Haven't you heard, being your adviser has become a bit of an extreme sport. We're holding a competition to see who can last the longest!
Willem: Huh. Well, you lose.
Adviser: What did I do??
Willem: What? You want me to spell it out for you?
Adviser: Umm... that would be nice.
Willem: Oh, uh really? Well... *Draws his sword and chops off the adviser's head* I'm afraid I can't really think of a reason right now. Come back later. NEXT!
Willem: We're a bit low on Russian culture provinces. Lets go get some more!
Sweden stupidly decides to follow through with their ill-advised warning and are immediately annexed. Since they were the HREmperor, an immediate election was held.
In the Reichstag:
Willem: Thank you all for your support. I promise to be a good Holy Roman Emperor, as our family always has; by crushing anyone who opposes us! Ha ha!
Willem: What!? Fools! I'll burn this place to the ground! You'll pay for this insult, how could you not elect me? Why, I rule over most of you guys!!
Interestingly, one of the other candidates was the Catholic nation of Cree! That would have been an interesting HRE!
Peace with Ryazan:
Willem: Adviser!
Adviser: Yes my Emperor?
Willem: What would I need to do in order to destroy the HRE forever?
Adviser: Destroy the HRE?!? But why?
Willem: Beheaded! NEXT!
Adviser: Bad news my Lord. The nation of Madgeburg has become a Bishopric.
Willem: Why is that bad news? I love killing Bishops! Oh boy, this will be such fun! I'll lead the charge myself! Ready my horse for battle!
CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!
Sancho: The whole world mourns today for the loss of one of its greatest leaders. My father was a man who did a lot of really awesome stuff! He killed a bunch of Bishops and he killed a lot of advisers. Oh, and he also formed this glorious Spanish Empire, that was pretty cool too. I can only hope to one day become half the leader Willem was. To start, I hereby declare war on whats left of the HRE!
Sancho: Archbishop Albrecht IV, you are hereby charged with being a Catholic Bishop and furthermore, you are charged with having your men attempt to stop the armies of Spain from burning your Bishopric to the ground. For these crimes you will be put to death by beheading. Your lands will become the personal property of the Emperor of Spain (Which is myself) and your head will be added to the royal collection.
Adviser: My Liege, with the death of the Archbishop of Madgeburg and with our forces now in control of the Kurlander's kapitol, we are in complete control over the entire HRE!
Sancho: Good. Destroy it.
Sancho: Now I'm the only man who can ever claim the title Emperor!
Kurland and Austria became my vassals shortly afterwords.
Sancho: We need to expand deeper into Persia.
Adviser: Any reason why?
Sancho: Well how are we supposed to ever become Persia when Persia owns most of Persia? Wow you're so dumb. Guards! You know what to do!
The disciplined and technologically superior Spanish troops crush the Persians despite being heavily outnumbered.
Sweden reemerged:
Despite Sweden, Denmark, Finland, and Gotland all existing, I still have everything I need to form Scandinavia.
The forces of Maharasthra grabbed a small province in southern Persia, coming into contact with the Empire for the first time ever. The meeting went well.
Spanish troops load onto ships to bypass Baluchistan and the remaining Persian lands and land forces in India.
Sancho: There goes the neighborhood! Ha!
This is getting interesting.
Baluchistan leads a local coalition against the Spanish invaders.
The Indians find an unlikely ally in Ukraine, who uses the Spaniard's distraction in India to cover for their attempt to recapture lost land.
Polostk convinces Ryazan to join in.
This looked like the final coalition to either stop the Empire or die trying. However, the Lithuanians peace out early, leaving Ukraine to be crushed by Spanish forces. Polostk's capitol was quickly captured and despite several Ryazan victories in Russia, Polostk agreed to a quick peace deal.
Sancho then focused on Baluchistan, the vital link between India and the Middle East.
With the land route from the Middle East to India now secure, Spain could now push home their victory over the Maharasthra.
With their armies crushed and all their allies defeated, the Maharasthra accepted their humiliating defeat.
Sancho sat back in his throne looking over a large map of the known world. The Spanish Empire clearly dominated all of Europe. The last great coalitions had utterly failed to even dent the Empire. The Portugese bickered with the Castilians for control of the America's; but they could have it for all he cared. Spanish domination was quickly spreading in the Middle East and now a foothold in India had been established. The waning Maharasthra would not be able to stop him from completely dominating the subcontinent within a few more wars. Yes, Sancho smiled to himself, things are going well.
Adviser: Pope?
Willem: Draw up the law and I'll sign it.
Willem: Where'd you come from anyway?
Adviser: Haven't you heard, being your adviser has become a bit of an extreme sport. We're holding a competition to see who can last the longest!
Willem: Huh. Well, you lose.
Adviser: What did I do??
Willem: What? You want me to spell it out for you?
Adviser: Umm... that would be nice.
Willem: Oh, uh really? Well... *Draws his sword and chops off the adviser's head* I'm afraid I can't really think of a reason right now. Come back later. NEXT!
Willem: We're a bit low on Russian culture provinces. Lets go get some more!
Sweden stupidly decides to follow through with their ill-advised warning and are immediately annexed. Since they were the HREmperor, an immediate election was held.
In the Reichstag:
Willem: Thank you all for your support. I promise to be a good Holy Roman Emperor, as our family always has; by crushing anyone who opposes us! Ha ha!
Willem: What!? Fools! I'll burn this place to the ground! You'll pay for this insult, how could you not elect me? Why, I rule over most of you guys!!
Interestingly, one of the other candidates was the Catholic nation of Cree! That would have been an interesting HRE!
Peace with Ryazan:
Willem: Adviser!
Adviser: Yes my Emperor?
Willem: What would I need to do in order to destroy the HRE forever?
Adviser: Destroy the HRE?!? But why?
Willem: Beheaded! NEXT!
Adviser: Bad news my Lord. The nation of Madgeburg has become a Bishopric.
Willem: Why is that bad news? I love killing Bishops! Oh boy, this will be such fun! I'll lead the charge myself! Ready my horse for battle!
CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!
Sancho: The whole world mourns today for the loss of one of its greatest leaders. My father was a man who did a lot of really awesome stuff! He killed a bunch of Bishops and he killed a lot of advisers. Oh, and he also formed this glorious Spanish Empire, that was pretty cool too. I can only hope to one day become half the leader Willem was. To start, I hereby declare war on whats left of the HRE!
Sancho: Archbishop Albrecht IV, you are hereby charged with being a Catholic Bishop and furthermore, you are charged with having your men attempt to stop the armies of Spain from burning your Bishopric to the ground. For these crimes you will be put to death by beheading. Your lands will become the personal property of the Emperor of Spain (Which is myself) and your head will be added to the royal collection.
Adviser: My Liege, with the death of the Archbishop of Madgeburg and with our forces now in control of the Kurlander's kapitol, we are in complete control over the entire HRE!
Sancho: Good. Destroy it.
Sancho: Now I'm the only man who can ever claim the title Emperor!
Kurland and Austria became my vassals shortly afterwords.
Sancho: We need to expand deeper into Persia.
Adviser: Any reason why?
Sancho: Well how are we supposed to ever become Persia when Persia owns most of Persia? Wow you're so dumb. Guards! You know what to do!
The disciplined and technologically superior Spanish troops crush the Persians despite being heavily outnumbered.
Sweden reemerged:
Despite Sweden, Denmark, Finland, and Gotland all existing, I still have everything I need to form Scandinavia.
The forces of Maharasthra grabbed a small province in southern Persia, coming into contact with the Empire for the first time ever. The meeting went well.
Spanish troops load onto ships to bypass Baluchistan and the remaining Persian lands and land forces in India.
Sancho: There goes the neighborhood! Ha!
This is getting interesting.
Baluchistan leads a local coalition against the Spanish invaders.
The Indians find an unlikely ally in Ukraine, who uses the Spaniard's distraction in India to cover for their attempt to recapture lost land.
Polostk convinces Ryazan to join in.
This looked like the final coalition to either stop the Empire or die trying. However, the Lithuanians peace out early, leaving Ukraine to be crushed by Spanish forces. Polostk's capitol was quickly captured and despite several Ryazan victories in Russia, Polostk agreed to a quick peace deal.
Sancho then focused on Baluchistan, the vital link between India and the Middle East.
With the land route from the Middle East to India now secure, Spain could now push home their victory over the Maharasthra.
With their armies crushed and all their allies defeated, the Maharasthra accepted their humiliating defeat.
Sancho sat back in his throne looking over a large map of the known world. The Spanish Empire clearly dominated all of Europe. The last great coalitions had utterly failed to even dent the Empire. The Portugese bickered with the Castilians for control of the America's; but they could have it for all he cared. Spanish domination was quickly spreading in the Middle East and now a foothold in India had been established. The waning Maharasthra would not be able to stop him from completely dominating the subcontinent within a few more wars. Yes, Sancho smiled to himself, things are going well.
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By this point I guess your troops are trained by nailing an advisor on the spot and handing out pistols.
Btw, whats your infamy? If it's exactly 1821 I'll give you a cookie (or puppy, or youghurt can; in sum whatever I have onmy hands).
Btw, whats your infamy? If it's exactly 1821 I'll give you a cookie (or puppy, or youghurt can; in sum whatever I have onmy hands).