When we left our heroes (and by heroes, I mean those wacky French/Irish guys we find it amusing to watch) they were embroiled in two large wars. One in Italy, punishing the Pope for wrongfully excommunicating the righteous Emperor Luis of Ireland. The other was against Poland and Lithuania in defense of the tiny nation of Kurland.
Adviser: King Luis! I have important news!
Luis: I told you not to kall me that anymore, you are to refer to me as Emperor MacBourbon!
Adviser: Umm... ok, why are you replacing your c's with k's?
Luis: Well, we're trying to save Kurland and it starts with a K!
(If you, like the Adviser, are wondering whats with all the K's, its from a Kurland AAR I read a while back, in which the author outlawed the use of C's in the tread, replacing them all with K's. You can find it
here)
Adviser: But you said c instead of k when you said MacBourbon.
Luis: Well... now your just trying to konfuse people. If I said MakBourbon, no one would be able to tell I was Irish! Whikh reminds me, kan we stop being Irish yet, the novelty has kinda worn off.
Adviser: Yes, of course. We'll re-institute the French Empire immediately. The people will actually be quite pleased I think.
Luis: No, no. That will never do. We just were Franke! No, lets be England now instead!
Adviser: ... um...
Luis: I say, the guillotine is looking rather too shiny too me, wouldn't you say?
Adviser: I'll go see what needs to be done in order to form England.
Luis: Oh wait, what was that "important news" that you had for me?
Oh.
May we have a moment of silence for the brave little nation of Kurland.
...
Having gotten what they wanted, and seeing the Imperial Navy on its way, the Lithuanians asked for white peace.
Luis: Ha! The King of Lithuania is trying to insult me! Does he think I am some lowly king that he can discuss matters with? I'm an Emperor! I'm actually two Emperors! Emperor of Ireland and Emperor of the HRE! That makes me at least... 3 or 4 times as cool as the sniveling king of Lithuania!
*Luis storms into the grand hall where the messenger from Lithuania is waiting*
Our nation will never stop until justice has been served. We shall hear no talk of peace until the blood of the innocent Kurlanders is avenged! We shall slaughter your people from the Baltic to the Black Sea! We shall... hey nice jacket! I tell you what, if you give me your jacket, I'll sign your peace treaty.
Lithuanian Diplomat: Deal!
Adviser: But what about Kurland? What about the HRE!? What about stopping Poland-Lithuania's military expansionism?!?
Luis: Nonsense! Check out how good I look in this jacket! Its totally worth it.
Peace with Naples is a bit more satisfying.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder why Naples, who had fought at least 20 wars against the Papal States, backed them now.
A quick war with Modena will cement our position in Italy.
Modena was joined by Savoy, Naples and OPM Venice.
Modena was quickly annexed.
However, Venice made an early exit from the war when they were annexed by... The Byzantine Empire?
Well, well, look at the Byzantine Empire now!
Add Venice on top of that and they have a powerful little empire reemerging. If I wasn't going to have to destroy them and reform them later, I would be happy for them.
My armies down in Naples are getting swamped in rebels, so I just peace out with the alliance leader Savoy and leave Naples to its fate.
Ha ha!
Luis: We need to stop being Irish! Quick!
Adviser: Why, whats wrong?
Luis: Check out this guy's name!
Luis: He served as my general for decades and I was never able to pronounce his name the entire time. His replacement will probably be worse.
Adviser: Well, not to fear, we will soon have the last core we need to become England!
Luis: Good, make it quick!
Lithuania was not content with Kurland. They use their Brandenburgian pawns to spark another war with the Emperor.
This time, though, Poland is left out of the war. Irish diplomats report that the relationship between the two nations has become somewhat strained recently. Dealing Lithuania a crushing blow here might end the Poland-Lithuanian dominance of the region for good.
The tiny nation of Saxony was overrun and annexed by Brandenburgian forces in a matter of days.
Luis: Just like Kurland! Don't worry Saxony, you will be avenged!
The people of Saxony role their eyes at the Emperor's promise of aid, but are surprised to see Irish cavalry appear and beat back the small armies of Brandenburg. Brandenburg begs their Lithuanian allies for help but what small forces they can send through Poland are massacred by the Irish troops. The battle cry, "For Kurland" is heard on the fields of Ruppin, it is repeated over and over, until Lithuania begs for peace. Since Ireland still has no way of reaching Lithuania with any significant force, peace is grudgingly granted.
The entire world is shocked when Luis actually does his job as the Emperor in the peace deal with Brandenburg.
The Austrians start getting nervous at Ireland's growing dominance within the Empire. They don't dare risk an open war with Ireland's feared armies, but they send a wave of spies to try to topple the empire from within. Irish spies respond by checking into Austria, probing it for weakness, they find an interesting man leading the country.
This just raises all sorts of questions.
Luis: Ha ha! Protestant AND Excommunicated?? Franz you're a joke! Who excommunicated you? Your own bishops! HA HA!
Enraged at becoming the laughing stock of the Empire, Franz presses his claims on the rich province of Lombardia. People would learn to respect Austria if Franz I had anything to say about it. The Empire was once again thrown into warfare.
Austria wielded the most powerful armies Luis had faced yet. Especially since they were backed by the kingdom of Hungry which had grown large and powerful since the downfall of the Ottomans. (Whats with all these historic alliances anyway? France and Scotland, Poland and Lithuania, and now Austria and Hungry? Weird.)
The first major battle turns into a gigantic bloodbath as both sides pour more and more men into the meat grinder, each unwilling to yield the vital province of Lombardia.
The Austrians eventually win the day, but their nation is shocked by the casualties they incurred and the people begin to wonder about the wisdom of this war. The generals begin to wonder how many more "victories" like that they can endure with Austria's limited manpower.
Serbia's army is wiped out and they leave the war.
Austria's army is left to besiege Lombardia and their forces are whittled down by attrition. Franz knows that the province can't support his huge army, yet with new Irish forces arriving in the surrounding provinces daily, he can't split his army or they will be cut to pieces.
The Irish generals wait patiently as the city of Milan continues to hold strong against the besieging forces. Finally the Irish attack and drive the weak and starving Austrian troops out of Lombardia, then out of Italy altogether.
Hungry tries to help but their forces are caught up in the general rout of the Austrian army. They finally agree to white peace.
With the Austrian armies in a scattered mess Luis commands his men to spread out and begin sieging the Austrian forts.
One day as Luis was 'inspecting" an ongoing siege, an Austrian bowman spotted him and fired an arrow hitting him squarely in the butt, which, for reasons that will remain unexplained, was not being covered by his armor or anything else at the time and was pointed up at the ramparts of the Austrian fortress.
The old king died a few days later, leaving the crown of Ireland to his son, Turlough III; but not before making him promise to become British as soon as possible.
The HRE electors, still angry about the Emperor's failure to protect Kurland, elect the Duke of tiny Anhalt as the new Emperor. As though Anhalt were capable of protecting itself, let alone anyone else.
Nobles: Does anyone know why he's called Turlough III? Was there ever a Turlough I or II? And what kind of name is Turlough anyway?
Adviser: Well, as you know, his father was insane...
Turlough: *entering the room behind the adviser* WHAT!?! My father was a great man who saw this nation rise from its poor, humble, French beginnings and become the mighty nation of Ireland. It was Luis that defeated the Corns and secured our place as the dominate nation in Britain. It was Luis that destroyed the Venetians, Nepalese, and even the armies of the Pope himself to place Ireland as the dominate force in Italy. Luis defeated the Lithuanians; Luis even defeated the Austrians, the only power left to threaten our domination of the HRE!
Adviser: Yes, but why did he force this nation to become Ireland? We are obviously French! What on earth are we doing in England? Why do we want Italy? Why are we taking over the HRE? Why can't we focus on France our homeland, instead of selling it away piecemeal to our vassals?
Turlough: Here's a better question for you, what would Luis have done, had you questioned his decisions as you have?
Adviser: ...
Turlough: Hmm?
Adviser: Perhaps he would have been merciful because of my many years of service?
Turlough: WRONG! To the guillotine!
Austria had had it. In total defeat, they agreed to give up some of their richest provinces.
Messenger: My Lord! I have terrible news from Poland!
Turlough: Ha! What is it? After concluding peace with the miserable Austrians, nothing can spoil my mood!
Messenger: The King of Poland has inherited Lithuania!
Turlough: WHAT!?! 10000 curses upon Poland, Lithuania, their King, all his subjects, you for bringing me this news, and... and upon that peasant over there as well! *storms out*
Messenger: Well, that could have gone worse.
Turlough: Oh wait, one more thing, go chop off your own head! I can't be bothered with it right now!
Uh oh.
The final province necessary to form England is cored.
The next day Turlough give a speech at the royal palace in... wherever it is nowadays... dedicating the new nation to the memory of his father.
Turlough: My father was a great man. If only he were alive to see this day. He worked his whole life to become something he wasn't. He was never satisfied with who he was and he was always bored by what he had become. Here's to you Luis! Forever Emperor of Ireland! No one ever understood why you did what you did, but you were good at it, and thats what really counts. They all called you crazy, but now they're all dead... and so are you... but I'll bet you're still laughing at them wherever you are. (Which is probably hell, seeing as you were excommunicated and you declared war on the Pope and all that.)
Noble1: What on earth is he going on about?
Noble2: If you value having a head on your shoulders, that is one question you will learn never to ask in this court.
Great Britain here I come!