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Johan11

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Poor europe....

Poor Poland....

Stupid Brabant! Why the hell do they make me look like an idiot?
 

Sybot

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Being the largest Catholic power around definitely helps in becoming Papal Controller, but I wonder about your poor cardinals having to constantly keep track of who they're supposed to be supporting.
 

sjones25

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morningSIDEr: I guess thats the only explanation that makes sense, besides perhaps the Pope being possessed by the devil or something...

dinofs: Yeah, I think this war with Poland will be the last war that will come anywhere close to challenging me militarily. Now the only challenge will be to finish forming all the nations.

Malurous: I just have to be careful in my steamrolling to set up the cultural shifts better. Stupid citizens, can't they see the flag at the top of the screen? Its a dead give away! :p

Johan11: Lol. Yep, Europe is a lost cause.

Sybot: "I vote for the King of Great Britain." "Great Britain doesn't exist anymore." "Oh... ummm, so what country am I from again?"
 

sjones25

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Sorry to leave you all hanging like that, but I ran out of room in the post and ran out of time to write it. So, without further ado, here's the conclusion of the last great war.

Poland was in bad shape.
EU3_134.jpg


They accepted peace from Tver.
EU3_135.jpg


Finally, Emperor Francesco had the king of Poland brought before him and he dictated the terms of peace.
EU3_139.jpg


Poland was forced to give up its entire Baltic coast (except the island of Osel), giving Italy control over all of the Prussian lands and a foothold in Russia. They were also forced to release Lithuania and Kurland as independent states. Francesco had finally fulfilled the promise that some former monarch of the nation that is now called Italy had made to the Kurlanders.
EU3_140.jpg


The face of Eastern Europe had been forever changed. Ukranian and Orthodox rebels promised to change it even more.
EU3_143.jpg


With his nation finally at peace. Francesco proposed some changes:
EU3_144.jpg


EU3_145.jpg


The Dutch Empire that had been his brother's dream was finally formed.

Whew. Its about time. Stupid Dutch with their tiny culture. Grumble grumble grumble.

His holiness approves.
EU3_146.jpg


As usual here's a map of the world when I formed the Netherlands:
EU3_MAP_NED_1599314_1.jpg


And here's a map of the Dutch Empire:
EU3_MAP_NED_1599314_2.jpg


Poland continued to drop further and further into chaos. Francesco laughed at them.
EU3_152.jpg


Francesco: HA HA HA! You think you can just come in here, take over Kurland, our most beloved ally, insult us and do stuff... that we don't like... and you think you can get away with it? Now your country is full of rebels who are going to make the whole thing collapse and your whole kingdom is ruined and all that! Well who's laughing now? HA!
Adviser: Articulately spoken your majesty.

Poland finally breaks:
EU3_155.jpg


EU3_156.jpg


Francesco: Huh. Moldavia didn't break off.
Adviser: No my Liege.
Francesco: Well, we must fix that!
Adviser: ?
Francesco: To war!
Adviser: I'm afraid we can't attack Poland, we have a truce.
Francesco: Lets go on a crusade instead! Lets see, what crusade will this be, the 6th crusade? Or did we already have one of those? We'll just call it The Great Crusade! Makes it sound fun right?
Adviser: ???? Ummmm.... What??
Francesco: *writing* Dear Mamelukes, We hereby notify you that you are heathen and scoundrels and will be wiped off the face of the Earth by our glorious and righteous armies...
Adviser: Now I know why everybody thought I was insane when I applied for this job.
Francesco: Don't be silly, thats not why! This is why: Guards, have this man beheaded!

EU3_157.jpg


General: Sire, shall I have my men embark on ships for the holy land?
Francesco: What? No. Of course not, send them to Poland.
General: Poland? I thought this was a crusade?
Francesco: Oh, umm, yes, well it is! But the Polish are standing in the way of our glorious triumph over the heathens.
General: The Poles have no army to speak of, if we ask for white peace they'll probably agree.
Francesco: ... I guess this is why your the general and I'm the Head of State. Send your men into Poland or I'll have your head added to the royal collection.
General: You have a royal collection of heads?
Francesco: Would you like to see it? Muwah ha ha ha ha!
General: I... ah... some other time perhaps. I have to get my men ready to go to Poland. Very busy, you know.
Francesco: Oh yes, of course. Carry on then.

That was easy.
EU3_166.jpg

With that, Poland gave up their last possessions in the Balkans. Their "empire" was now limited to Poland and Ukraine.

Francesco: Now it should just be a simple matter of sending off a white peace offer to the Mamelukes...
Egyptian Messenger: The glorious Sultan rejects your preposterous request. You dare to declare war against our people and then ask us the act as though it never happened? Egypt will destroy you for this insult! *storms out*
Francesco: Huh. That could have gone better. General! See if you can't 'persuade' them to see things our way.

EU3_171.jpg

Francesco: A'crusading we will go, a'crusading we will go, this song doesn't really rhyme at all, but a'crusading we will go!
Soldier 1: *whispering* He's not going to do this for the whole trip is he?

The "Army of St. Anne", as it is unofficially (and rather blasphemously) know, arrived in the holy land and immediately stormed Jerusalem and captured the surrounding province. (For those of you who don't remember, Empress Anne sainted herself after having the Pope beheaded)

The Mamelukes were caught off guard, but they soon counterattacked. The Mamelukes were seriously outgunned by the advanced European weaponry, however, their attack did show the precarious position that Francesco had put his men into, heavily outnumbered in a hostile land, hanging on to a tiny foothold around Jerusalem. If this offensive was going to survive, he would need more troops.

Francesco ordered two more armies to be shipped over from Italy. With their overwhelming technological advantage, the Dutch forces overran the Mameluke positions in the region. They battled the Mamelukes back to the gate of Cairo itself.
EU3_180.jpg


Francesco forced the Sultan to give up all of the land around the holy land, splitting the Mameluke empire into three pieces.
EU3_182.jpg


After this great crusade, the Pope was forced to crown Francesco Holy Roman Emperor.
EU3_181.jpg


Here's a map of the Middle East, following the Great Crusade.
EU3_185.jpg


So I now have all the lands I need to form Prussia, I just need to wait for a few cores. I'm also well on my way to forming Spain and Germany. I also have a foothold in Persia, Scandinavia, and Russia.

I'll end this update with a list of my accomplishments and goals:
France √ - Ireland √ - England √ - Great Britain √ - Italy √ - Netherlands √ - Prussia - Spain - Germany - France - Scandinavia - Russia - Byzantine Empire - Persia - Papal State - Mughal Empire

6 down, 10 to go. A little over 200 years left to do it.
 
Last edited:

JDMS

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Great work. :) How lond do you think it will take to form Prussia?
 

Malurous

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Well done! Like expected, you got the Prussian lands. Also good call to start working eastward (both the Russian foothold and Levant).

Good to get to back to the normal rhythm of arbitrary beheadings after the strangely silent (in that department) female rulers :D
 

morningSIDEr

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His holiness approves.

...as he had little choice unless he wished for his bonce to be added to the royal collection. Excellent stuff, looks like you will make it after all.
 

vitek69

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This is totally crazy! And awesome! Oh dear but I love this AAR anyway:rofl:
 

Johan11

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How large is that collection exactly?
 

Sybot

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It's not a Great Crusade until all the heathens are crushed! Though I do wonder how later rulers will spin the formation of Persia after all this fervour. Oh wait, they'll add anyone who complains to the collection. :D
 

lordkestrel

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Looking good, I'm impressed at how much you've done so far. I think you're approaching the most difficult part, the drive east to form Persia/Mughals.
 

unmerged(174602)

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Just read the whole thing in one go, absolutely fabulous. Reminds me of MorningSIDer's Scottisch AAR.

On a related note: GO OYO!!!
 

sjones25

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JDMS: I took the provinces I will need to form Prussia in 1599, so I will be able to form it in 1649.

Malurous: Anne did have the entire noble council beheaded, thats gotta count for something.

mayorqw: Yes, here is 5000 ducats and overlordship of Burgundy. You can't have any of my troops though, I still kinda need them. Next!

morningSIDEr: His holiness' skull could join his unfortunate predecessor's who insulted Empress Anne...

vitek69: I'm glad you love it, despite its awesomeness.

Johan11: Must be at least 50 by now, and thats just the ones we know of. I'm guessing there must be hundreds of heads in their collection.

Sybot: Exactly. No point spinning anything to your advantage when you can just behead anyone who disagrees with you.

lordkestrel: My drive toward Persia was a bit premature, I haven't even started on Russia yet.

Beowulf1990: Wow, thank you very much. I really enjoyed both of MorningSIDer's AARs, so being compared to that is a real compliment.

mayorqw: The Black Watch was a battalion of Scottish highlanders, they were one of the elite forces in the British Army. Originally my land in Britain was divided, so I had an English army and a Scottish army, so I called the Scottish army the Black Watch because its a cool name.
 
Last edited:

sjones25

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I'm afraid I have some bad news. The first thing is that Aragon still refuses to move its capitol off their last European province. There are two solutions: I could either destroy Aragon completely which will probably take 2-3 more wars spanning 3-4 continents, or I could load up as Aragon and change their capitol to a more logical spot. I would normally just go with the second option, but since it would be cheating and I don't know how you all feel about that, I thought I'd ask.

The second piece of bad news is that I was looking at the Restore the Byzantine Empire decision and one of the requirements is that you must be Orthodox, which will make that switch significantly harder. And I'll need to do the Persia to Papal State jump before that, while I'm still Catholic (because only a Catholic can become the Papal State)

So right now I'm planning on forming the Byzantines last:
France √ - Ireland √ - England √ - Great Britain √ - Italy √ - Netherlands √ - Prussia - Germany - Spain - Scandinavia - France - Russia - Persia - Papal State - Mughal Empire - Byzantine Empire

However, there is some good news: the Protestant Merchant Republic of Scotland is not being lead by a Stewart, instead they are lead by the noble Doge Duff de Dunbar (commonly known by his initials: DDDD)
EU3_2.jpg

Every piece of this name is wrong. How does a leader of Scotland get off calling himself Doge? And Duff? Seriously, what kind of name is that? Then you have the French-esque "de" followed by the Scottish town Dunbar.

So, having utterly failed to properly name himself, the Scottish "Doge" also fails to expand his Dogedom at all.

Last time, on Unhinged Loons: The new Dutch Empire had crushed the Mamalukes, the last great Muslim power, and secured the Holy Land for Christianity for the first time since the Crusades.

The Byzantine Empire had held strong against the Muslim invaders for centuries and eventually had reasserted itself as the dominant power in the Middle East. The Netherlands' intervention in their back yard was not wanted or appreciated. The Byzantines attacked, hoping to drive the Catholic invaders out of the Middle East before they became too entrenched.
EU3_189.jpg


The Byzantines realized that their army alone would not be enough to beat back the Dutch, so they asked their fellow-Orthodoxs in Novgorod to help.
EU3_191.jpg


Bohemia, seeing the Dutch embroiled in a large war, decided to strike and attempt to reclaim some of their lost land. Bohemia pulls the remains of Castile into the war.
EU3_193.jpg


Francesco: Looks like quite a party! CHAAAARGE!
EU3_195.jpg


An old-fashioned army of knights is all that can be spared against Bohemia, but they heroically crush the Bohemian forces despite being outgunned and severely outnumbered.
EU3_196.jpg


Francesco: Everyone is out to get me! KILL THEM ALL! YOU!!! You want my empire, don't you?
Random peasant: Ummm... What My Lord?
Francesco: DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!
EU3_199.jpg


The Grand Marshal, none other than the famous hero of the Polish-Italian wars: Ermes Colonna, seized temporary powers in order to keep the nation running through this period where it was fighting for its very existence. The people flocked to his banner.

Colonna personally lead the armies in Iberia and smashed the Castilian defenders, who soon agreed to peace.
EU3_203.jpg


Castile's capitol was now easy pickings for the next war.
EU3_204.jpg


Look Aragon. Castile knows how to flee to the new world. Why can't you? Are you going to let Castile show you up? Come on Aragon, you can do it!
EU3_5.jpg


Meanwhile, on the Byzantine front, the Dutch fleet blocked the Bosporus Straight and landed several large armies in Greece.
EU3_6.jpg


After consolidating their hold on Greece, the Dutch forces gathered together and poured across the straight, smashing the Byzantine army waiting on the shore.
EU3_7.jpg


:D :D :D
EU3_9.jpg


The Byzantines give up a large portion of Greece in order to finally have peace.
EU3_10.jpg


A few months later, the battered empire broke, releasing Albania, Iraq, and Aydin, they also had to give in to Georgian patriots who demanded reincorporation into their motherland.
EU3_12.jpg


A few years ago, I had gotten some prestige together and released some of my French vassals so I could annex them. Than this happens.
EU3_13.jpg

You don't see that very often!

Novgorod was angry that the Dutch took a big chunk out of the Byzantines but didn't take anything from them.
EU3_16.jpg

Sorry, I was busy.

Francesco was never able to regain control of his empire or his mind. He jumped off the top of his castle swinging his sword wildly claiming that the sky was attempting to take over the Dutch Empire.
EU3_19.jpg

Francesco's son, Lodewijk, took the crown and, thanking Colonna for all his services to the Empire, reasserted the Emperor's role as head of the government.

Lodewijk: So, what do we have going on in this crazy kingdom?
Adviser: We currently have a war going on with Novgorod and-
Lodewijk: Novgorod? That tiny little pansydom? Why haven't they been crushed already?
Adviser: Well, its a bit out of the way and all, so most of our forces haven't really gotten there yet.
Lodewijk: What is this? I'm the emperor and I have to wait around on the incompetent slowness of my armies? Unacceptable! I demand that the troops be there now!
Adviser: ... Would your Highness be kind enough to grant us the secret of teleportation then?
Lodewijk: Ah, a wise guy, eh? To the guillotine!
Adviser: *sigh* The Bourbons are back in power.
Lodewijk: Ha! You ignorant serf! We haven't been called the Bourbons for centuries! We're the van Bourbons now. ...I'm told its Dutch...
Adviser: But doesn't van Bourbon just mean, "from Bourbon" in Dutch? You're not from Bourbon, you were born in the Netherlands.
Lodewijk: Well, I didn't come up with it, it was my father's name!
Adviser: He was Italian.
Lodewijk: ... Guards, behead this man at once!

I forgot to take a picture of my peace deal with Novgorod, but here's the end result:
EU3_23.jpg


I also forgot to take a picture of my capitol being moved to Ruppin, but here's my cultural shift.
EU3_24.jpg

The primary culture of the Netherlands is now Saxon! And I'm one step closer to forming Prussia.

Lodewijk: I think I'll change my name again now that we're German... how about von Bourbon?
New Adviser: Excellent, Your Highness.
Lodewijk: I think you and me are going to get along nicely.
New Adviser: Excellent, Your Highness.
Lodewijk: Actually, you're getting kind of annoying.
New Adviser: Excellent, Your... I mean, umm... Uh oh.
Lodewijk: Yeah, you're so beheaded.
 

JDMS

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Lodewijk's advisors are doomed. :rofl:
 

Johan11

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Poor advisors.......

Come on Albania, chaaaarge!

My fave nation is here!
 

Malurous

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Great update! You're progressing well on many fronts, that's what you have to do with a goal like this...

Malurous: Anne did have the entire noble council beheaded, thats gotta count for something.

Yeah, but there was actual "political" reason for that. And for beheading the Pope too. I don't think she randomly beheaded anyone like Francesco and Lodewijk just did? And like the older rulers used to?