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JDMS

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Can you take Castille or Portugal? If so, I wouldn't worry about BB.
 

morningSIDEr

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Excellent stuff. The 'Temporary Insanity of a Monarch' event was hugely fitting, but rather inaccurate. 'Suddenly Realised Permanent Insanity of a Monarch' is surely what the event's name should be. Very good style in managing to weave in the declarations of war into a supposed civil war. I also find it simply brilliant that despite all the mad excess, you get voted Holy Roman Emperor! You cannot make it up!
 

Johan11

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Oh.

This sounds promising.
 

sprites

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you can't form france as spain or spain as france , as basque is a valid culture for both countries and you could end up with really high income provinces , max centralization , and the likes :D

after , holding the required provinces starting as navarra as it is the only basque province in the game is quite a feat :D
 
Last edited:

unmerged(198309)

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you can form france as spain or spain as france , as basque is a valid culture for both countries and you could end up with really high income provinces , max centralization , and the likes :D

after , holding the required provinces starting as navarra as it is the only basque province in the game is quite a feat :D

Is the unification descision for forming Spain the same as it was in IN? Because if it is, one cannot form Spain from France.

http://www.paradoxian.org/eu3wiki/Spanish_nation said:
To take this decision:
1. Spain must not already exist and you may not be the Papal State or France.
2. Primary culture must be in the Iberian or Basque culture group.
3. You must own and have cores on Barcelona, Aragón, Castilla La Vieja, Salamanca, Andalucia, Toledo and Valencia.
*bolded for emphasis

Does this mean you have to change your plans? Or will you change the decision to allow you to do this?
 

Malurous

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Is the unification descision for forming Spain the same as it was in IN? Because if it is, one cannot form Spain from France.

This AAR is in IN. And yes, that cannot happen.
 

sjones25

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JDMS: I'm more than a match for any one country now.

morningSIDEr: Yea, these monarchs just keep getting crazier, its about time somebody noticed.

And yes, in the decision to form France it specifically excludes Spain from taking the decision and vise versa. So I'll have to change my plans around. At this point, I don't see how I will possibly finish in time, but I will give it my best shot.

Here's my newest plan:
France √ - Ireland √ - England √ - Great Britain √ - Italy √ - Netherlands - Prussia - Spain - Germany - France - Scandinavia - Russia - Byzantine Empire - Persia - Papal State - Mughal Empire

I did warn you at the start that the plan may change! :p

mayorqw: How do you mean that? Is it because I have chunks of land spread all over the map (this is only going to get worse, those of you who can't stand ugly borders please look away when I show you my maps!) or because suicidal little nations keep trying to take down major powers?
 

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Alright, let the loonyness commence:

The reign of Empress Anne was proceeding alone smoothly (and by smoothly, I mean about as jarringly as can possibly be imagined) when all of the sudden the ancient stupidity of Burgundy was reawakened!
EU3_1.jpg

They had converted to Reformed some time ago which had broken their alliance with us, now they attempted to break free altogether.

Good luck with that.
EU3_2.jpg


Before most of my armies even get there, Burgundy is begging for peace.
EU3_3.jpg


Hamburg, Meissen, and Mecklenburg make a combined effort to finally stop Anne's reign of terror.
EU3_7.jpg

EU3_8.jpg

EU3_9.jpg

Meissen brings Aragon, Cornwall, and the Pope to the party. The Pope declares that Anne is a murderer, a heathen and a heritic, and the spawn of the devil, among other things. He personally leads the "Armies of God" against her... to inglorious defeat.

Aragon was a shadow of its former almost-formidable might. Their European armies were overrun in weeks and they begged for peace.
EU3_12.jpg

Anne simply laughed until the diplomat left.

The Corns' army was also surprisingly pathetic.
EU3_13.jpg


A few months later Aragon gave up all of its European lands except Barcelona.
EU3_18.jpg

Anne suggested that they just give up Barcelona as well and move to Africa, but they stubbornly refused.

Am I just going to have to wipe Aragon out? I don't really want to deal with colonies, but they won't move their capitol, even though they have colonies in S. America and Africa and Barcelona is their only European province left. :mad:

Following the defeat of their combined armies, the allied leaders were brought to Holland to sign a humiliating peace. In the peace treaty, the Pope was striped of all his lands except the city of Wurzburg and forced to canonize Anne as a saint. When the old pope refused to do so, he was shown to the guillotine. Anne took the title of Saint on herself as the Cardinals argued over who to promote to fill the old pope's position.

Hamburg, Mecklenburg, and Meissen were annexed. Cornwall was forced to give up a strip of land connecting Italian England with Italian Scotland. (Cornwall had somehow managed to convert both these provinces to the Welsh culture so it doesn't put me over the English-culture province limit) Cornwall also released the nations of Wales and Northumberland as sovereign states. Cornwall's position of strength in the British Isles was lost from this time on.
EU3_25.jpg


The following few years was relatively peaceful for the empire. Italy fought some minor wars against the Palatinate and Venice, bringing them both into the fold of loyal followers of Empress Anne.

Then Austria joined the fight against Italy. Austria, as you might remember, was a Protestant nation, and as such they hadn't given much heed to the Pope's call for a crusade against Anne. However, with Italy's expansion into Venice and the Palatinate, Austria realized that they had to join the fight now, or be lost as a footnote in history.
EU3_39.jpg


Austria brought one of the most well-equipped and well-drilled armies in the world as well as their powerful Hungarian allies.

Austria knew that despite their large, well-equipped force, they were still no match for Italy alone, so they had signed a secret pact with the tiny nation of Urbino, promising them control over the whole Italian peninsula if they could convince their allies in Castile to join the fight.
EU3_40.jpg


Italy would now have to fight the war with its army split between the two extremes of its empire.

Italian forces quickly crushed the armies raised by the duke of Bavaria and took half his land in a peace treaty before the Austrians could respond. Austrian forces took control of Italy's provinces around Gorz while Italy took control of the entire Austian region around Tirol.

The Hungarian king marched at the front of his armies into the Italian heartland, but was crushed by newly recruited army regiments pouring in from Southern France and Western Italy. Hungry's king was found dead on the battlefield. With their armies destroyed and their country in chaos, Hungry sued for peace.
EU3_46.jpg


Meanwhile, Italian vassals poured down into Northern Austria. Austria pulled back to deal with the invasion of their heartland, leaving Italy free to reclaim its occupied provinces.

Things in Iberia weren't going quite as well and there were no reinforcements available, so Anne signed a peace deal with tiny Urbino, taking Castile out of the war.
EU3_49.jpg


Left completely alone and facing invasion by the armies of half of Europe, Austria agreed to Italy's terms of surrender.
EU3_54.jpg


Mantua and Bohemia tried their luck at fighting the exhausted Italians. But their tiny forces were no match for the massive armies of Italy.
EU3_55.jpg


Seriously, whats with the tiny alliance leaders?

Within months, Bohemia agreed to give up the Baltic coastline (which they had annexed and prevented Italy from crushing Poland).
EU3_61.jpg


Anne: He he he. Who will you run to now Poland? You have been a thorn in our side for far too long. We will crush you once and for all!

Yea! Friesland cored!
EU3_67.jpg


And now The Netherlands! Oh. Right, first things first.
EU3_68.jpg


During all this constant warfare, I'd forgotten to take over Branbant. I didn't DoW them here, I fabricated claims first so it was only a -4 stab hit instead of -6... ouch.

Then came news that caused widespread panic throughout the whole world:
EU3_69.jpg

Scotland was back! The leaders of the world trembled in fear, hoping they could be contained to their tiny island province.
 

JDMS

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Everything will be fine unless there's a Stuart on the throne of Scotland. Then, all bets are off. :eek:
 

sprites

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well you can drop your vassal and dow them the next month , the eventual alliances should not worth -3 stab
 

morningSIDEr

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Scotland was back! The leaders of the world trembled in fear, hoping they could be contained to their tiny island province.

The end is nigh! Oh wait...

Yea! Friesland cored!

Keep more attention on Friesland! Greater Friesland is sure to rise once more...

Excellent update, always nice to see the shocking stupidity of the small nations in this game.
 

Malurous

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Entertaining update! Nice to see the Netherlands so close...
 

Johan11

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Go Brabant!

Go Castille!

Go Turncoats!
 

sjones25

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JDMS: I'll have to check that next time!

sprites: The problem is that I'm the HREmperor and everyone hates me, so they keep leaving the HRE. So my prestige is constantly in the pits, therefore I can't release vassals.

morningSIDEr: I know, I'm surrounded by such mighty nations: Friesland, Scotland, Oyo (oh wait... I think Oyo might be dead... They probably got annexed by Mali :p)

Malurous: Indeed Netherlands at last. If anyone else wants to try a game like this, my advice would be to form Netherlands right after Ireland. This has taken far too long.

Johan11: :( Wow, my reputation must be really bad if my readers are cheering against me! :p
 

sjones25

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Unfortunately for Branbant, Johan11, and the rest of the sane world, Branbant's pitiful armies are no match for Italy and her vassals.
EU3_71.jpg

Just one more Dutch province...

Noblemen: We are sick of this constantly changing empire. First we're French, then we're Irish, then we're English, then we're.....(five hours later) We're sick of it, we just want to be France! Lets start a rebellion in one of France's historic home provinces.
EU3_73.jpg

... Meath... Ireland. Ummmm ok guys, I guess they don't study geography much.

Then, on the 30th of August, year 1588, a momentous occasion occurred. The evil, deranged, universally hated Empress Anne of Italy died. Struck down by the hand of God, according to the Pope. Her son, the surprisingly competent diplomat, Eugenio Bourbono I (Nice Mafia name BTW! Perhaps thats what makes him such a good diplomat: "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse") took over as Emperor of Italy but not Holy Roman Emperor. The electors, who no longer had to worry about Anne personally hunting them down and stabbing them to death with 1000 needles, finally got together the courage to vote for someone else.
EU3_74.jpg

Branbant, an interesting choice. A OPM stranded in the middle of Italy, with no army whatsoever, who have just recently proved their complete inability to defend themselves let alone all of Germany! Ha! Good luck Branbant!

The Pope presented Eugenio with a list of demands from God to turn Italy from its evil ways. Of course, the list was about a mile and a half long, and Eugenio had no intention of turning Italy from the path of greatness, so he refused.
EU3_77.jpg

Meh.

Burgundy's collective IQ, which had started out quite low and had been falling for decades, finally hit zero and they declare war on Italy. The shear stupidity is staggering.

They are again utterly crushed by Italy's vassals, with Italy's own armies barely taking part.
EU3_80.jpg


I don't seem to have a screenshot, but I declared war on Brandenburg, bringing in the HRE Branbant and the Pope.

The war doesn't last long.

Branbant is annexed:
EU3_81.jpg


Norway was elected to be the new HRE in their place.

The Pope is humiliated, becoming a vassal of his hated enemies. Brandenburg is completely annexed. (Looking back at it, I should have just annexed the Papal State, they wouldn't have asked for Rome back because I'm Italy. Oh well, I don't need Wurzburg for anything.)

This is interesting:
EU3_85.jpg

So these Protestant zealots want to join Venice and these Protestant zealots want to join Austria. If you do manage to take the province, who are you going to join?

I sold a Castilian province to Portugal (Galatia wouldn't take any of the ones I could sell) and I had to release Meissen since I now have more Saxon than Dutch provinces. Finally Dutch is the dominate culture, I just have to wait for my stability to be +1.

While I'm waiting for my stability to get up into the positives, something rather terrifying happens:
EU3_91.jpg

Oh.

Really guys? Really?
EU3_95.jpg


Ha ha!
EU3_97.jpg


Eugenio: Ha ha ha! What an amusing display of complete military and diplomatic incompetence! Humiliating the Pope, stomping Burgundy twice, and now I'm almost ready to form the Grand Netherlands Empire! I'm in a great mood today!
Polish Messenger: A message for you Sire!
Eugenio: Ah, and what does my beloved nemesis, the King of Poland have to say about my indisputable power and military prowess...
EU3_98.jpg

Eugenio: Oh %#$@! General!!! Get your lazy butt moving! NOW!!!

Italy had a theoretical numerical advantage over Poland, but Poland's forces are easily concentrated on the Polish-Italian border, while Italy's troops are spread across Europe. Italy also has a slight technological advantage, though me selling off cores to vassals and constantly moving my capitol and shifting cultures has stopped me from really taking advantage of the tech group difference.
EU3_99.jpg


Wow, talk about East meets West!
EU3_101.jpg


A huge Polish force lays siege to Hinterpommern while Italian vassals sneak by to siege Poland's lands.
EU3_104.jpg


I only had 30 regiments on the front, which isn't even close to a match for Poland's large stacks. Eugenio ordered armies from across the empire to join the front. He also started a huge conscription drive in northern France, the Netherlands and Germany.

This is probably the first time ever that I have cheered for the Ottomans over the Byzantines.
EU3_111.jpg


Eugenio was furious at his generals, who had retreated again and again, giving up ground to the Poles. He ordered Ermes Colonna to lead all the troops in the area to a massive counter attack at Brandenburg. Even though they were outnumbered, the Italians pulled off a massive victory. Colonna's cavalry nearly destroyed the Poles' artillery right off. The Italians then began a steady advance that punched right through the Polish line, while the Italian cavalry rolled up the flanks. The Polish commander, seeing the battle was lost, ordered his cavalry to attempt to cover the retreat. While this saved his army from a rout, thousands of his riders were cut down by the victorious Italians.
EU3_112.jpg


After this battle, the Polish invasion of Norther Germany was never really renewed, a few more major battles were fought, but the tables had definitely turned. From this point on, the war would mainly be fought in Poland. Ermes Colonna became a national hero, Emperor Eugenio immediately promoted him to Marshal over all the forces of Italy.

As the invasion of Poland was just beginning, Poland was already showing signs of internal trouble.
EU3_117.jpg


The large Lithuanian and Ukrainian minorities questioned whether they even wanted to be part of this "European war" and the Slavic peoples of the Balkans were already in open revolt. It was becoming clear that the Polish Empire would not survive this conflict. The Polish monarch begged for peace, but Eugenio explained that, "You started this war, now you better be willing to finish it!"

The Byzantines recognized that the war was a lost cause and they abandoned their allies to their fate.

Meanwhile small opportunistic nations joined in with Italy, hoping to get a piece of Poland, first Tver, then Hungry, and finally tiny Riga joined the war.

Poland's armies were crushed and enemies rampaged across their country.
EU3_131.jpg


They were forced to accept humiliating demands from Riga of all nations!
EU3_132.jpg


Unfortunately, Eugenio didn't live to see Italy's victory completed. He caught an illness while he was out with his troops in the cold Lithuanian winter and he soon died, leaving the throne to his brother, Francesco.
EU3_133.jpg


Ha ha ha, Papal Controller! He he!
 
Last edited:

morningSIDEr

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Ha ha ha, Papal Controller! He he!

Well if you vassalize him you clearly control him! Having the incompetence of Burgundy on your side with your current crazy French-Irish-British-Italian-etc. royal family, this AAR seems destined to only get even more looney! Great stuff.
 

dinofs

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Well, now you have no rival to challenge you. Hopefully, that'll mean that you can finish a few more nations before the end of the game without being caught up in a really major war.
 

JDMS

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So what did you get from Poland?
 

Malurous

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Nice going! Are you going to conquer Prussian lands now? You should be able to get a bunch out of this war.

I think you still have time if you get into steamrolling mode.

We're sick of it, we just want to be France! Lets start a rebellion in one of France's historic home provinces.

... Meath... Ireland. Ummmm ok guys, I guess they don't study geography much.

I can see where your citizens might get confused. :D