The Goon's Tale
The Teutonic Knights 1450-1468
The Goon Moves Into the Shantytown
......The neighbourhood, so long quiet, had gotten populated all of a sudden.. Two barbarians, Novo and Musk, had moved into the caves to the east. Two knights, Big Pol and Little Pol, had moved into the splendid mansions to the south, and a big lumbering Goon, Teuton, had moved into the shantytown up north...
Peaceful Goon and #1 Henchman
Peace and quite could have reigned, but it did not. Within a day, Novo was setting fires in the eastern shantytown, while Musk was cheering him on. Teuton the Goon was much dismayed.
Teuton (Goon): Why, oh, why do you burn the shantytown?
Novo (Barbarian): Because it ought to belong to me.
Now, this frightened Teuton the Goon quite a bit, but he knew winter would come sooner or later, hopefully putting out the flames, so he turned his attention to the south. If one of his new neighbours was bad, perhaps another one was good?
Teuton (Goon): Would you care to ally with me, or will you attack me as well, with hordes of firelighters?
Big Pol (Knight): We'll see, we'll see. We have a truce, so we won't burn while it lasts...
Poor Teuton checked his calendar, and saw that that was a mere 11 months. Well, perhaps they will be reasonable at that time, he thought.
The eleven months passed and another 12 months, and despite the constant burning in the eastern shantytown, the Goon was feeling more secure.... Until one day he saw Big Pol and Little Pol standing on the edge of the shantytown with a calculating look in their eyes:
Teuton (Goon): Well met. How may I help you?
Big Pol (Knight): You
do know that we have ancient claims to parts of the shantytown, I presume?
Teuton (Goon): It is my shantytown
[Big Pol and Little Pol shared a knowing look]
Big Pol (Knight): And it is a
nice shantytown, you've got here.
Little Pol (Knight): Yeah... Looks flammable
Big Pol (Knight): Would be a real shame were it to burn down
Little Pol (Knight): Yeah.
[The Goon looked frightened at this talk of burning]
Teuton (Goon): Well, I could consider selling parts of it to Little Pol for a mere 400d
Little Pol (Knight): That's a lot of money
Big Pol (Knight): And you are not mentioning my claims. I want the western parts of the shantytown
Teuton (Goon): But I don't want to sell the western parts of the shantytown, I like them just like they are
[Big Pol and Little Pol shared a knowing look.]
Big Pol (Knight): I see... Thank for your time
[Teuton looked scared. To the south, ever more of Big Pol's and Little Pol's firelighters were assembling near the shantytown]
Teuton the Goon considered that neither Big Pol nor Little Pol had so much as offered anything but only claimed, that they had denied his generous offer, and that they wanted to take fully 25% of his shantytown away without a fight. Teuton pondered Big Pol's closing statement and in the context, it was ominous...
The Goon drews the obvious conclusion: Those knights were up to no good, no good at all,
and he began drawing up devious plans to frustrate them.
Two is Company, Six is a Crowd
Now, it came to pass that after several years passed, Novo the Barbarian apologised for setting fire to the eastern Shantytown and he withdrew his firelighters and the Shantytown was at peace, and the Goon saw that it was good, and he sent many thanks to his friends.
Friends? Yes, indeed, the Goon had friends. West of the Shantytown lay dense inpenetrable forests and hills, suffused with small castles, rural villages, and quaint man-eating monsters. The small castles were populated by man-sized lemmings, and it turned out that they had long had good relations with the Shantytown, indeed, they had formed a compact of self defense: Whenever one was threatened by sinister forces, they all rushed to his defense, smothering the sinister force under their steel-clad bodies. When they didn't run into a lake, jump from a cliff, or die of starvation in wintertime, that is. While not an ideal defensive alliance, it sure beat not having one, and the Goon smiled at the friends and patted them on their heads and did not eat too many of them by mistake when they came visiting, all the way from Bremen, Holstein, Mecklemburg, Oldenburg, and Pommerania.
It happened one day that the Goon heard that Novo the Barbarian had betrayed Mush and joined Big Pol's and Little Pol's gang, and that they were beating up Musk somewhat fiercely. Knowing that Big Pol and Little Pol had many forces at their command - he had seen a fully 65,000 patrolling south of the Shantytown the two years past, twice the size of the Shantytown's constabulary - this worried him more than a bit. Once they had finished beating up the hulking barbarian Musk, would they not turn on the Goon as he had long feared?
It seemed likely.
The Northern Blue Blob
Swiftly, the Goon reunited a small hut named Ingermannland with the Shantytown, this hut having been infested by a Northern Blue Blob of exceptional strength of prowess in years past. Yet against the Goon and his friends it could not stand, and it withdrew to the North where it belonged. Now, standing on the very border of the Shantytown, the good Goon Teuton, by standing on his tip-toes, could see the caves of Novo to the east...
Warlike Goon and Company
The Snowball Fight
Remembering the years of fire in the Shantytown and the dreadful triple alliance surrounding, the Goon dearly wished to intervene before Novo, Big Pol, and Little Pol could succeed in killing Musk. However, such a major operation, involving the launching of thousands of snowballs from the secret silo's in the Shantytown, would require money, and money was in short supply.
Fortunately, where there is a will, there is a way, and the Goon willed it. From far to the South, the great Gorilla of Constantinople sent fully 400 shiny ducats, if only the Goon would help save Musk. Likewise, from the far west, the Peakock of Aragon sent more than 60 shiny ducats, and the Goon could now easily afford the cost of ammunition.
The Goon blessed the launchers, and the Snowball Fight began.
The Friends of the Goon in Action, 1459
The fight lasted for but a year before Novo the Barabarian was humbled and Big Pol and Little Pol were defeated and made peace with Musk. Secretly, Teuton the Goon wished that Musk had kept up the fight a bit longer, so they together could really have taught Big Pol and Little Pol a lesson, but that was not to be. Thus the Shantytown expanded northwards and eastwards and a year later, Musk the Barabarian had Novo's head on a spike, which was most unhygienic.
The Shantytown at Peace: only a few fires remain, 1468
The Goon's Devious Plan
Now, all was peaceful in the Shantytown, but the Goon was not truly happy. Sure, Big Pol and Little Pol had been taught a lesson, but once they had recovered from their thumping, they would be as nasty as ever. Perhaps, just perhaps, it was time to put his devious plan in action?
Yes, perhaps it
was time, at that. A deeply religious Goon, Teuton did not, of course, want to embark on such an adventure without the blessing of the lord, so he sat on his favourite rock, put on his sun-glasses, played the banjo of appelation, and appealed to the lord:
Teuton (Goon): Hi Lord. Sorry about killing off Novo like that, but when Big Pol, Little Pol, and Novo united and started hurting their neighbours like that, I had to react lest I be next on the list. I hope you do not mind.
[and the Lord answered in a voice of doom, but then, he always did, so that did not particularly trouble the Goon]
Lord (Diety): Not at all - they all deserved it
Teuton (Goon): Hmmm. I could attempt to eliminate Big Pol, letting the Shantytown substitute for Big Pol's mansions in the Eastern European scheme of things. Would you mind terribly?
Lord (Diety): Do what u like
, Just dont go for Scandinavia or HRE
Thus reassured that his plan would not interfere overmuch with the Lord's greater schemes, so long as he did not touch the Northern Blue Blob or annoy the Lemmings (and why would he do that? Lemmings were his friends!), Teuton the Goon walked to the Northern shantytown, and called out to Musk the Barbarian, who was still licking his wounds.
Teuton (Goon): Hypothetically, Musk, how would you feel about the two of us attempting to partition Big Pol's and Little Pol's mansions a few years time?
And there was no answer for the longest time. Teuton called out, again, and again, and suddenly, after a long while, ten answers from Musk arrived on the clear air - obviously, most of them had been delayed by the curious echoing pines, forcing a synchroneity of arrival - or something like that..
Musk (Barbarian): Hmm, I'll think about it... When would this be then? That would of course demand that i recieve some of your Russian lands... I do not like you holding Pskov nor Olonbets...
Teuton (Goon): Anyway, my proposition is simple, Barbarian. Dissect Big Pol's and Little Pol's mansions and kick out the knights while we have the choice, with me getting the west and you the east. And if it means giving up your orthodox cores later, that is not really a problem.
And Musk looked pleased at this thought and after some negotiations, they agreed to go hunting knights in 1466. It was time, past time, for Big Pol and Little Pol to face....
The Wrath of the Goon
As 1466 arrived, the Goon and Musk began hurting Big Pol and Little Pol quite badly. Even the Goon's friends, the western lemmings, joined, though they were of scant aid as they preferred to die from starvation in Lithuania, the westernmost of Little Pol's mansions. Nevertheless, the Goon's constabulary quickly overwhelmed Big Pol's firelighters, and it looked to be a short fight.
The Wrath of the Goon, 1466
Ha! The Goon was much mistaken. Some financiers with the financial sense of a rock (and a stupid rock, at that), who had never heard of credit ratings, loaned a lot of money to Big Pol. Big Pol happily took the money, when they were so lacking in sense, and quickly built a huge army of firelighters, with which he struck back from his holdout Podolia. After all, he could always default on the loans and declare a bankruptcy... Those financiers would lose all their money, but hey, these things happen. Meanwhile, the Northern Blue Blob was burning Kexholm, but knowing that the Lord had prohibited the Goon from harming the Blue Blob, the Goon ignored it - for now.
Suddenly faced with a scary army, Big Pol's murderers, the Goon's constables were killed one by one, and by the middle of 1467 he only had 2,000 left out of the 32,000 he had started with. Fortunately, the mansions of Mazovia, Wielpolska, and Krakow were still under his control. Desperately, the Goon began hiring new constables, while cursing the lemmings who were still enjoying their stay with Little Pol, until, that is, Little Pol's government fell (he stumbled), and Musk took over half of Little Pol's mansions. But did the lemmings then turn to aid the Goon? No, they did not, they marched into the sea instead, which was sort of silly.
So it came to pass, that by early 1468 the Goon had recruited 7,000 constables, and now had fully 9,000 in Prussia, but the remainder of Big Pol's murderers were marching to kill them off, and there were rather more of them.
And the Goon looked at his savings, and saw that he only had 192 shiny ducats left, so he took a single loan of 200 shiny ducats, even though its interest would cost 1/7th of his income for the next five years, and he hired a band of lemming mercenaries passing through for 283 shiny ducats, and in a grand battle in Prussia, he defeated Big Pol's murderers, and he prepared to strike south again, and let the scattered Poles feel...
The Wrath of the Goon
[And, of course, both Lithuania and Poland, which have already suffered bankruptcies, are set to go bankrupt again soon... The second for Poland and the third for Lithuania... Good lord, how I hate bankruptcy armies in MP. Fortunately, they should be gone with the latest beta pacthes.]