Triangles in Latvia

[unmerged(104971)]

Welcome in Latvia, take a seat and enjoy the show!

NOTES/RULES:
-1 I will update this AAR when I want to.
-2 I will roleplay with some Latvian ministers, but it will stay roleplay. In other words: Latvians, don't feel offended because I just make jokes about your military, country, IQ and other.
-3 As I said, I want to combine humor and serious AAR'ing.
-4 OBEY RULE 7
-5 I will use cheats, but never to enlarge my stockpile or take advantage from the noobness AI. For the die-hard anti-cheat federation I will say it so when I use a cheat.
-6 I'm searching some scripters who can make me some nice events or/and give me a template of a standard script I want to use so I can do it myself. If you want to help me, please send me a PM. (people who want to help me can get a role in this AAR, and that's the most important thing in the life of an AAR'er!)
-7 Enjoy my first AAR! (this is the important rule)
-8 A little note, my english isn't perfect (but I think I'm doing quite well) If you see a gigantic grammar fault just say it.

Let's begin!

1. THE BEGINNING

Riga - 1 Jan. 1936
'Welcome, dear friends!' Alberts Kviesis welcomes his new ministers. 'Let's hope you guys will stay in office longer, har har har'. He references the tragic death of his former government. 'They got drunk and stole a diveboat in the heavily guarded navalbase in Riga. After a 3 hour procedure for starting the 89-years old boat, they went 40 meters under water. That's not the real problem (last march, a diveboat reached a astonishing depth of 67 meters) but they forgot to close the hatch. I mean, they coudn't locate the hatch. That's because there was no hatch on that type of diveboat. But that are rather details.. Now, let's get our first staff meeting underway! But first, why is almost the entire city of Riga present in this room? Ah well, I guess I'm a populair person.'

Minister of Intelligence and the Minister of Foreign affairs:
'We received intel from our northern friends (Estonia) Stalin is planning an invasion of Scandinavia. I ordered my presidential messengers to inform the governments of Norway, Finland, Sweden and Denmark this evil plans, but just as I thought, they didn't believe me. So I guess we (the Baltic Union: Estonia and Latvia) must protect ourselves to ensure we stay independant.'

The Ministers of Armaments, Security, Navy, Army and Air Force:
'Our armed forces are not capable of defending the Baltic Onion from an invas..

Haahaahaa

Alberts: 'Young man, why are you laughing?'

'He said Onion in stead of Union!'

...
'That's not funny, thats his accent! Okay lets go on. Oh and throw the young man in the Baltic Sea, please.'


The Ministers of Armaments, Security, Navy, Army and Air Force continue:
Our 4 infantrydivisions in Riga are not capable of defending our Latvian soil in case of a soviet attack. They have no organization, are weak from the sky, are slow and have no transport to go rapidly from Riga to the front. Action must be done. We've taken the chance of being invaded by the Soviets for granted for way to long!'
'Our navy has other problems. Well, let's call it a navy. You can rather call it our armed under-water merchant marine. We posessed 6 dive-boats. One is sunk by the drunken ministers, one was taken by a soviet spy called Yuri and sold to Afghanistan (yes, Afghanistan..) and another one was hit by fireworks from Sweden and never been heard of ever again. Next to that, our remaining boats don't have hatches so they can't dive. A diveboat that can't dive!! Only in Latvia, I guess..'

Yuri, in a Latvian diveboat. His agressive looks suggest he isn't very handy with the harpoon-shaped control panel (left)

That day, Alberts ordered all ministers to make a plan for their department and a plan for the future.

A businesman called Bill Gates Senior from Typosoft Inc (famous from the typing machines) donated money to an African charity, but Nigerian scam frauds intercepted the money and gave it to Latvia in exchange for nuclear technology. We don't posess nuclear technology (we don't even know what it is in 1936) so we scammed the frauds! (or something like that) 'Why I'm telling you this all is to inform you that we now can invest in my apartment! uhhh I mean our Armed forces! May the best plan win!'

The ministers of Armaments and Army ordered to recruit two militia to guard the border with the Soviets. The 4 infantry divisions in Riga were split into two armies. One to protect Riga and the other to join the two militiadivisions at the border. Next to that, the order was given to build a gigantic wall surrounding Riga and the industry in its eastern province. Due to budget problems the wall became a fence. A barbed fence. The Navy ordered to repair and rebuild the lost Diveboats.

Tallinn, 3 January
The Minister of Security and Estonian Affairs arranged a training with our Northern brothers to test our defences. I present you the plan:

The red line is our barbed maginot line.
Latvijas Armija dug in to defend Riga from it's suburbs. Meanwhile, 1ya Latvija Korpus was doing Operation Triangle. They tried to run to Dagaupulis, Gulbane and back to Riga so the first arriving soldiers from 1ya saw the last soldiers (the fat ones) leave Riga. The operation was a succes and the citizens of Riga were proud to live in such a glorious nation which's soldiers can run faster trough the country than their fat comrades can leave the city of Riga.
(I guess you are asking yourself, why are the Estonian armies walking to the east? Well, They bought lousy Chinese import compasses that didn't worked as planned.)

Our Production

Our government and current treaty's


Next time: our expansion plans!

(PS. I feel like i've typed to much (sometimes unfunny) text. I apologize for that and I will type the planned expansion plans in the next update instead of The Beginning. Thanks.






​

 

[Mico94]

i will certainly follow this one
nice start
your chief of airforce::rofl:

EDIT: first subsciber, yeah

 

[Inner Circle]

Janis Indans Hermanis Gulbis Gulbis Gulbis?

I subscribe to that AAR!

 

[unmerged(104971)]

Well, I see our Air Force minister is noticed.
This pic was photoshopped, but after that pic I was able to implement Janis into the game.

Next update within 2 hours!

 

[Chamboozer]

Only one update and I'm already in love with this.

 

[Ithron]

yuuhuu, great!
I would suggest indeed rather aggresive early game, which is especially doable if you happen to have military access to some colonial empire, for example France
I would also suggest buying armies of and then annexing Lithuania and Estonia, and adding their ministers and leaders to your pool, thats what I do usually with small countries in aggresive play, makes the game much more pleasurable.
With some overseas lands you could survive the war or you could join some alliance, anyways good luck, you'll need it, and good fun

 

[unmerged(104971)]

My apologies to everyone who were misleaded by my post saying the next update will be in some hours. I've spent some days scripting, so I've got some neat events now and in the future. But first, a little teaser. I've almost finished update 1 so you can expect it around this time tomorrow.

Teaser;

Edit:
Before I forget; It is nice to have an audience to present this AAR to. So even if you never leave a post behind: please do. Just give me a compliment, a mistake, fair criticism, an idea for in-game or just a comment saying: 'Damn you, GasTurbine! I wish you would post more updates! You are now my favorite AAR writer!'

Second edit: Mico94, Inner Circle and Chamboozer: Thanks for the comments guys!
Ithron: Well, I will certainly need some overseas territory but I will never betray our Estonian friends. Lithouania on the other hand...

 

[unmerged(105771)]

Captain Picard? You sneaky bastard

 

[Ithron]

Great! So, to the south!
Ah, overseas, well, I've heard Etiopians need allies!

 

[unmerged(104971)]

Update 1
Wasup?

20 January. Just after the installment of the new government of Latvia a man woke up in his house in Bel-Air. He had a dream of leading the Latvian armies against triangles. Together with the naval forces of Captain Picard, the air forces of a guy with a ridiculously long name and Xzibit's Bood and Crips divisions they fought a long battle against Triangular monsters. The battle was enormous and many soldiers died on the battleground. Just when the Latvian armies made a breakthrough in the triangular forces' defences Carlton woke up. He called some friends and informed if Jean-Luc and Xzib had the same dream. They both had and they visited a magician. He explained the dream to be a result of lack of power, musical hits and a nasty side-effect from body-altering implantations. 'Nothing to worry about.' Stubborn as they were they did not believe it and they asked a doctor. Dr House said he couldn't care less (Latvia?') so they went to Dr. Murphy. He stated they all must take control of the Latvian Armed Forces to defeat the Triangular forces. When the three heroes of this AAR asked why the enemy was triangle he stated: 'Triangular shapes often are a result of lupus'.

Dr. Doug Murphy


Off course they did not believe the lupus-explanation but the suggestion to rule Latvia, is a dream of every man. They took the first available plane to Riga with the plan to coup the nation. However, before they left, some people leaked their plan to some agencies. Namely: CIA, FBI, USCG and WYSIWYG. With that, friends of the three were also informed of their plans. After 2 minutes (a rap-battle and some autographs) they were released. Not only governmental agencies and friends knew the leaked plans, but an American gossip-website too.

An obtained screenshot from the gossip site. Since no one had internet those days it wasn't a real threat.

The world was surprised but in Latvia things weren't noticed as Latvia don't have connections with countries other than Lithuania, Estonia, Soviet Union (only negative curses, spam and we often order pizza's to the Kremlin) and the Scandinavian countries. The people do want to communicate with the rest of the world, but technology just don't let us. Because of that, the ministry of relations with hot countries (Latvia has 2 837 ministries*) discovered Africa. In 1923.

An example of a Latvian telegraph technology. - Courtesy of the MInistry of CRitic faults, errOrS, mOre FaulTs and blue screens (MICROSOFT)


As a result of the world knowing the plans, friends of Xzibit formed an army, friends of Capt Picard formed a ship crew and a friend of Carlton, the Prince of Bel-Air, offered to rule Latvia so Carlton can be a fifth wheel and study to realize an admission to Riga College.
All but the Prince were welcomed and they all including the 3 heroes made the long flight trip to Riga. As this was the first plane in.. uhmm.. a long time, a crowd was waiting the plane when it landed on Latvija Airijplanij Landij Zoneij Riga. (Latvian language is famous for its use of -ij. Actually, I think Mazirbe, Jelgava, Gulbane, Dagaupulis, Jekapils and Riga are the only six Latvian words without this construction)

The runway was too short so the plane ended in an awkward position


Janis IndansHermanis Gulbis Gulbis Gulbis, Latvian Chief of Airforce, was awaiting the newcomers and saluted them, giving them some wine and were assigned a quarantined room. Since these men were the first visitors in a long time they may have infectious deceases. In that sealed room, Xzibit wrote his book 'Mein Wasup' ('Meijn Wasijup?' for Latvian readers). He was determined he would be a great leader and in his book he stated 'Yo dawgs, I don't know why those pussyhat's are messin' with me and my homeboyz. And they are doing weird stuff with my Bloodz** fo' sho'! It's like I'm a piece of an exhibit!'

Xzibit in Jail


After 2 weeks of quarantine they were released. They immediately held rallies and sold copies of 'Mein Wasup'. They did not tolerate Latvia being a backwards country as it was. With their anti-Lithuanian, pro-technology and anti-government speeches they gained popularity and finally, on the first of march***, the coup'd'etat happened with the famous 'Rapbattle of Riga' (Rigarap). This battle was an enormous success with no casualties as the ruling government was disqualified because they rapped in Latvian. Everyone know raps in an other language than English are forbidden.


The new government immediately made 5 new laws. Later known as the Five Latvian Commandments:
- The Latvian flag is replaced with a new one (next update) and alliances as the Baltic Union must have fancy kick-ass flags.
- The government ALWAYS must turn it's focus to modernization and innovation.
- Playstation controllers (when invented) must have a cross, box, circle and star in stead of cross, box, circle and triangle.
- English language is the primary language and Latin and Latvian are secondary. (Latin and Latvian look similar. You can try it. When you have Latvian, take the v and the a away. Now you've got Latin)
- The government will be modeled to an American model and the ministries (now called departments) will be reduced to a skeleton of what it was. Not more than 15 departments at any time.

American Model (Miss America)

With the forming of the new government, Xzibits friends formed the Xzibit Assault Group (Xzibits gang)

The new english names for the Latvian Armed Forces.

Capt. Picard's reforms in the Navy.



*: Those were the many men in the first pic in this AAR.
**: This is often a used quote by Bloodz in Bloodz vs. Cribz discussions which should implicate Bloodz Divisions are better in the eyes of Xzibit than Cribs Divisions.
***:(the screenshot in my teaser did not follow the correct timeline and was shot/caught in a different dimension (the 48th dimension where 1 week is 2 months))

Next update: country reforms are made, defenses are put in place and an upgrade of the Baltic Union.
​

 

[Battle bunny]

1. One needn't apply a WWII game to this.
2. You're going to use cheats and/or events with effects rivalling, equal to or surpassing cheating. Did I guess right? - EDIT: Damn, I just noticed that point in the original point. Deduct the respect necessary.
3. Well, of course it's only my opinion that I don't like this humor - others may very well like it. But these jokes do take the genre of the comedy AAR a bit too far...

 

[kfijatass]

pure awesome ... and who is Miss Latvia 0_O?

 

[unmerged(104971)]

1. One needn't apply a WWII game to this.
2. You're going to use cheats and/or events with effects rivalling, equal to or surpassing cheating. Did I guess right? - EDIT: Damn, I just noticed that point in the original point. Deduct the respect necessary.
3. Well, of course it's only my opinion that I don't like this humor - others may very well like it. But these jokes do take the genre of the comedy AAR a bit too far...

1. Well, gladly it's my free time I'm spending. And about not making a humorously WWII AAR because many people died in WOII (thats my interpretation of what you want to say (correct me if I'm wrong) - English is not my native language so I don't really have 'the feeling' of sentences under control) I want to say this: I'm not born before WW2 and I'm neither born in the war or direct after it. But I do honor the people who fought for freedom. And I'm just making jokes in-game. I don't mean things I say in updates about certain people or persons. I just use them and shape them to fit in my AAR.

2. I will use cheats as I said indeed. But, I will say it again, I will not make events nor will I make cheats who are really really ridiculous and benefit me against any AI. I mean, since Latvia received intel on the coming Soviet invasion they will prepare for that. And I will make events who turn out negative against me. Next to that, a nation barely capable of having 4 active divisions now has 5 inf. divisions and a light armor div. And I'm not planning on making resource-making events for this situation.

3. I admit, this update is one hell of a piece of bullocks. And I feel I pushed the edges. But I just want to have a solid base and after that, I will update larger quantities posts and less text.(if the majority feels the same as you) And for the tactical readers: just look at my in-game pictures and don't read the text and don't mind the army-names. The pics, including the italics beneath them, will suffice in giving you information about my ingame progress.

Edit: kfijatass: tnx Well, I don't have a clue at the moment. Maybe you have a nice woman in mind?

 

[Davisx3m]

GO Yuri!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DvD-IT]

It is your AAR and it might differ from certain schemes, why not. You have to like that kind of comedy: the others may follow, or not.

With that said, a bit of nonsense is always welcome. And Yuri was totally unexpected

 

[Fiftypence]

Awesome. It's quite rare to see a wacky HoI2 comedy AAR. Keep it up!

 

[Undead-Hippie]

If Will Smith shows up in your AAR, will he try to usurp Carlton as Prince of Bel Air?