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Crusader Kings III Available Now!
The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.
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Part 8
Dirk Krugar flailed his arms helplessly as he fell head over heels into the abyss beneath the Brigadier's office. Just as the massive trapdoor above him slammed shut - plunging the whole area into total darkness - he hit the water beneath him with an almighty splash. Despite himself he screamed loudly - the Brigadier's last word coming to the forefront of his mind in massive, Technicolor letters (1):
Crocodiles.
Frantically he pushed himself towards the surface and tried to stay very still; willing his eyes to adjust to the gloomy blackness. He needed to get his bearings - doing so would serve him much better than splashing around blindly in the darkness. That sort of panic would only attract the crocs.
Off to his left he heard another splash, as if something had slid into the water. "This is it", he mused. "Munched by a croc under some mad British general's residence - hardly the end I'd have chosen."
Another splash, this time closer. Dirk held his breath. If the beast got near enough to him he could attempt a last, desperate attempt to leap over it and at least buy himself some time. But he had to stay still. There was still a chance the croc didn't know exactly where he was, and moving would only alert it to his presence.
As he waited, there was a much smaller plop and some frantic splashing followed by a voice, in English, muttering "Oh shit." Dirk froze. Unless he was very much mistaken crocodiles, even ones in the employ of insane British officers, couldn't speak. There was some more splashing and eventually the voice - a man's by the sound of it - said "Er... This is quite embarrassing, but you don't have a light do you?"
Dirk, understandably, wasn't entirely sure how to respond to this.
"A light?"
"Yeah - I've only gone and dropped the bloody matches in the water so I can't light this lamp. Look, do us a favour will you - I'm going to nip back and get some matches. While I'm gone can you thrash around a little bit and scream? Just as if you were being eaten alive by crocodiles, yeah?"
"You want me to lie in a pool of crocodile infested water and thrash about screaming, kidding on that I'm being eaten by crocodiles? I don't want to sound like a girl or anything, but won't that attract the real crocodiles who'll then help me make my performance a lot more realistic?"
There was a soft chuckle in the darkness.
"Don't you worry about that chum - there are no crocodiles down here. But Himself up there doesn't know that. So just thrash around a bit whilst I'm gone and sound like you're dying horribly. If you hear the trapdoor opening turn over and lie face down - try to spread yourself out in a "just savaged" kind of position. I'll be two ticks ok?"
Before Dirk could answer there was some more splashing that receded into the distance. With nothing to lose he started thrashing around violently and screaming.
He felt very silly - but very relieved.
~~~
Lucas looked incredulously at the other teenagers.
"And you swear you're not just winding me up? That this isn't just another attempt to humiliate me for your own amusement?"
Rina looked at him with big doe-eyes and bit her bottom lip (2).
"Lucas, we're your friends. Tell me you'll play our new game?"
Inwardly Lucas melted and sat down with the rest of them.
"Well, ok. But I won't be happy if you all tease me again. I'm not just here for your amusement you know!"
Everyone nodded and muttered affirmatives in a completely non-committal way, and Jurie explained the rules of the game they were going to play. Lucas didn't seem convinced.
"And what's the point of this game?"
"It tests our reflexes - the winner is the one with the fastest reflexes."
"I'm not sure..."
"What's not to be sure about?"
"This just seems a bit like that time when you told me that if I grasped a nettle quickly enough it wouldn't sting..."
"Well, you didn't grasp it quick enough."
"I couldn't clench my fist for over a week!"
"Lucky for me!"
"It also reminds of when Piet said that if you put a heavy book, like the Bible, on your knee and hit it with a hammer you wouldn't feel the pain."
Piet growled.
"I never said ‘use the Bible’ - it's your own fault it hurt. You used the Bible. God doesn't like it when you smack the Good Book with your uncle's tools. Therefore he punished you. You’re probably going to Hell for that you know."
Lucas looked worried, but ignored Piet.
"So you all promise that this is not going to end in me hurting myself in some comic manner?"
The other four adolescents were the picture of cherubic innocence (3). Jurie held out the deck of cards.
"Come on - just play. I turn over the cards one by one, and when I turn over a face card the first person to throw their arms in the air, waving their hands and shouting the name of the card gets to keep it. The person with the most cards at the end of twelve rounds wins."
Lucas - the sane part of his mind screaming at him not to get involved - shuffled into the circle with the rest of them in as Jurie started to turn over the cards.
Three of clubs...
Ace of spades...
Ten of hearts...
Seven of spades...
Queen of diamonds...
With reflexes that would have put a ninja to shame, Lucas thrust his arms in the air and started waving his hands like a madman.
"Queen!" he yelled with a gusto that bordered on insanity. "QUEEN!"
Jurie raised any eyebrow and pointed at Lucas.
"Gay."
The other three fell about laughing. Lucas stopped waving his hands and scowled.
"You bastards!"
He struggled to his feet.
"That does it - I'm going back to the farm. Helping my uncle, even in this blazing heat, is better than being with you doos!"
As he stormed off Rina turned to the others and beamed.
"That was fun. I'm still bored though."
Piet growled.
"Shut it princess!"
1. In this case the letters were various shades of red and most of them were in the sort of font that made it look as if rivulets of blood were running from them.
2. Her secret weapon. It worked on nearly all men and made nearly all women want to strangle her.
3. Except Susan. She looked like some kind of grubby, unkempt moss-creature. More like a wood sprite than anything celestial.
They shall regret picking on him after he turns dark side. Darth Ginger will devour their souls! (And gain one for himself while he's at it. 
)
So the Boer diplomat will join the massive rebel network based in tunnels under all of South Africa?
)So the Boer diplomat will join the massive rebel network based in tunnels under all of South Africa?
No crocodiles?!?!?
Awwwww, then I can't have fun imagining the poor chap who has to pack/unpack the Brigadiers office anymore!
well the packing still needs to take account of the mysterious underground lake and the trap door - so the lack of wildlife doesn't make the job *that* much easier
or can the office only be set up where there is an already existing underground lake? That could be a limit in terms of military flexibility that is rarely covered in the more conventional books on the subject.
Feedy, feedy, feedy, feedy, feed, feed, back...
I'm Marius continues to give off warm and fluffy vibes...
Thank you very much - I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Er...where do you work? Dare I ask?
Glad somebody got that
Sssh! Don't tell the Boers!
Much as I love you lot, I'm slightly disturbed by your feverent dissapointment that poor old Dirk WASN'T torn apart by crocodiles. If you want that sort of stuff head over to Suenik. We've got pirhana pools and deep wells-with-no-water over there...
They will be - have no fear of that. Although that's not necessarily a good thing for them!
Lucas is a good, clean living boy...
Maybe - or I could just bow to popular pressure and have him eaten by a wild animal...
I wouldn't sweat it. We've got enough Swedes here to make a flatpack version of it...
Don't worry - "conventional" went out the window after the first update...
Yeah - that sort of behaviour ended up getting me MARRIED!
Thomas isn't the only one to be chilled the his core
I'm Marius continues to give off warm and fluffy vibes...
Thank you very much - I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Er...where do you work? Dare I ask?
Johan!
Uh..., I mean
Mr Andersson!
Glad somebody got that
Well, evolution shall show that one simply cannot overcome redcoats.
Sssh! Don't tell the Boers!
Too bad about the crocodiles.
Much as I love you lot, I'm slightly disturbed by your feverent dissapointment that poor old Dirk WASN'T torn apart by crocodiles. If you want that sort of stuff head over to Suenik. We've got pirhana pools and deep wells-with-no-water over there...
I'm curious to see how these characters will be connected to each other - if they will be, that is.
They will be - have no fear of that. Although that's not necessarily a good thing for them!
They shall regret picking on him after he turns dark side. Darth Ginger will devour their souls! (And gain one for himself while he's at it.
Lucas is a good, clean living boy...
Maybe - or I could just bow to popular pressure and have him eaten by a wild animal...
I wouldn't sweat it. We've got enough Swedes here to make a flatpack version of it...
Don't worry - "conventional" went out the window after the first update...
Yeah - that sort of behaviour ended up getting me MARRIED!
And where did they get those there???
They're native. You mean you haven't heard of the Suenikian red backed pirhana? Honestly, education in Finland these days...
They're native. You mean you haven't heard of the Suenikian red backed pirhana? Honestly, education in Finland these days...
I thought the human-eating-mutant-goats of Armenian uplands had decimated all of them before the beginning of the game?
I thought the human-eating-mutant-goats of Armenian uplands had decimated all of them before the beginning of the game?
Nah - you're getting confused with the gurgens
It was harder to not get it in my opinion
Phew. Thought I'd been too subtle
Heaven forbid!
Good updates. Though I was missing those hilarious Pratchett-like footnotes a bit.
I thought there were actually crocodiles in south africa, at least there is a Crocodile River in Transvaal.
And honestly I didn't get the Mr. Anderson reference.
Your nice AAR made me play once again as Oranje, first time since VIP 0.1, and had a fun time doing so. Could you do me a favor and ask your colleague what is the correct translation of "After the Great Bushmen War"? I translated it as "Na die Grootte Bosjeman Oorlog" for a map I made.
I thought there were actually crocodiles in south africa, at least there is a Crocodile River in Transvaal.
And honestly I didn't get the Mr. Anderson reference.
Your nice AAR made me play once again as Oranje, first time since VIP 0.1, and had a fun time doing so. Could you do me a favor and ask your colleague what is the correct translation of "After the Great Bushmen War"? I translated it as "Na die Grootte Bosjeman Oorlog" for a map I made.
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I'll be sure to include more in future! I'm glad you like the format!
There are - however, the reason for the sparsity of crocodiles in the Brigadier's crocodile pit will soon become apparent.
Don't worry, I won't hate you for it
...but I WILL hate you for your wonderful maps!
Seriously though, I'm glad you gave Oranje a go. It's a lot of fun in VIP even if I ended up...no...I don't want to spoil the ending...
As for the the translation, you're currently saying "After the great small Bushman's war" (bosjeman is some kind of diminuative). You want to say "Na die Groote Bos Man Oorlog".
I dare you to spoil the ending.
My patience is sufficient to hold on.Thanks for the proper translation! Just read the word bosjeman on a 19th century map of the cape and hence thought it would be the appropriate term. Hope I didn't offend anyone. Thanks again.
STOP! COOKIE TIME