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I definitely have to echo my fellow commentators here . I think not only are you doing an excellent adaptation but your own unique humour is superseding the superstructure of the storyline and making it into a proper high class affair with a thrilling plot and intrigue to go all around ! I , too , loved the little european bash-around . Always a pleasure reading your updates Iain :D
 

enf91

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Here's an idea.
HMS Alexander Bay approaches a town.
"Where is the pigs' base?"
"Kongo. It's in Kongo."
(to von Moordenaar) "There, you see? I told you he would be reasonable." (to commander of HMS Alexander Bay) "Commence firing sequence. You may fire when ready."
"WHAT??!?!"
"You are quite naive. Kongo is far too remote for an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We'll deal with your swine friends soon enough."
(Town obliterated).

I don't remember the exact characters who should say these lines, but given the vast amounts of Star Wars plagiarism going on, I figured I might as well add to it.
 

iain_a_wilson

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Part 16

001.png

Lucas rushed into the barn and slammed the door behind him. Outside the large, orange sun was lazily setting, and the dying light cast long shadows everywhere. The two bath tubs were unoccupied and Teetoo's shackles stay lay on the floor where Lucas had left them. Tentatively he called out.

"Hello? Teetoo? Seepo? Where are you?"

He waited in silence for a few moments, narrowly avoiding soiling himself as a large rat squeaked loudly and run across the barn floor(1).

"Guys? Come on! Where are you?"

There was a rustle from above and Seepo's head peeped out from the loft.

"It's not my fault, sir", he wailed, "Please don't have me flogged. I told him not to go, but he's so stubborn; kept babbling on about his mission."

Lucas paled (2).

"Oh, no!"

Without another word he leapt to his feet and ran out of the garage with Seepo stumbling after him. The sun had almost set now, but the whole veldt was bathed in a beautiful, deep orange glow. Lucas shaded his eyes with his hand and scanned the horizon, desperately trying to catch sight of the run-away slave. Seepo shook his head sadly (3).

"Teetoo has always been a bit of a problem, sir. It's the youth of today - they're getting quite out of hand. I just don't understand their logic at times."

Lucas nervously ran his hand through his hair.

"How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight. Blast it!" (4)

"Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him?"

The look that Lucas gave him shared a lot with the look he would have given someone who said "Why don't you put your hand near that crocodile's mouth - they don't bite unless they're angry!" (5)

"It’s too dangerous with all the Mensevanzand around. We'll have to wait until morning."

Seepo paused.

"The who?"

"What?"

"Who are they?"

"Who are who?"

"You sound like an owl, sir."

"An owl?"

"Yes, sir."

He stopped. Lucas looked blankly at him.

"'Who-who?' That was just my little joke, sir."

He paused to let Lucas take it in.

"Ah. Ok. I get it. Actually - I don't. what do you mean?"

Seepo shook his head quickly.

"Just ignore it, sir. It was just a little quip. So, who are these Mensevanzand?"

Lucas waved his hands up and down in a universal gesture meaning "shush!", looked nervously over his shoulder, before bending forwards towards Seepo, his voice barely a whisper.

"You mean you've never heard of the Mensevanzand?"

Seepo shook his head.

"That's rather why I asked, sir."

"They're a group of vagrants and robbers that have bases all along the banks of the Orange River. At night they roam this region looking for victims to rob and kill."

"Charming."

"Yeah. I hope Teetoo’s going to be ok. With all the Mensevanzand out there..."

"Looooooooooooookaaaaaaaas!"

Both men flinched as Beru's yell carried from the farmhouse across the veldt. She was so loud that a nearby bird was so surprised at the sudden shattering of the peaceful transition between day and night that it fell from its tree and landed in a stunned heap on the ground, where it was promptly savaged by a waiting group of hyenas (6). Lucas ignored the sounds of Darwinism in action and turned back to the homestead.

"All right, I'll be there in a few minutes."

He turned back to Seepo.

"Boy, am I going to get it. You know, that little guy is going to cause me a lot of trouble."

"Oh, he excels at that, sir."

As the pair of them trudged back to the barn Lucas turned to look at Seepo, his eyes wide and imploring.

"Explain to me again - how exactly is it I sound like an owl?"

~~~​

1. Lucas had once made the twin mistakes of accidentally crushing a rat underfoot and then, grief-stricken, telling his friends about it. Big Piet had then convinced Lucas that rats shared a hive mind and were vengeful creatures who always sought to avenge any slight upon their kind. Ever since then Lucas had been as scared of rats as Menzies-Campbell was of pigs.

2. Or rather, being Lucas, he went paler. When Lucas paled he went from really, really white to pale blue.

3. This is a survival trait that all humans learn at an early age. If you take two children, both of whom are in trouble, one of them will inevitably try and curry favour with the adult dishing out the trouble in the hope that their punishment will be lessened. Those of you with two or more children will be intimately familiar with this.

4. This was about as close as Lucas came to swearing. He was a good boy at heart.

5. Jurie could get Lucas to do most things, but, gullible as he was, he had very keen survival instincts.

6. This happened often enough that the hyenas near the Lars homestead were a distinct species unto themselves. Whereas most of their kind shared a trademark scrawny, emaciated look (heinously plagiarised by today's catwalk models), the hyenas in the vicinity of the Lars farm were so well fed that they bordered on obese.
 

canonized

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You know , I have to say . The little footnotes add so much flavour to it that I hope no one is skipping them ! haha . Another good update despite the brevity XD
 

Eams

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A pretty brilliantly hilarious update that was, but what's with the snarky attitude towards catwalk models? Some of us like our women starved, spoiled and sexless.

Great, now you've got me incapable of shaking the image of Yoda and Kate Moss together.
 

Vesimir

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Great, now you've got me incapable of shaking the image of Yoda and Kate Moss together.

Mhmmmm....Doing it right, you are.


God, I feel so dirty.....
 
Last edited:

AllmyJames

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Poor Lucas. Things aren't looking up for him at all yet, are they? I wonder what Old Ben will make of this 'one hope left for the Orange River Territory'. ;)
 

Enewald

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Mensevanzand?
What happened to Zulus and Xhosa? :rolleyes:

darWINism! :cool:
 

Eams

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Mhmmmm....Doing it right, you are.


God, I feel so dirty.....

Yes, why are we continuously attempting to destroy our own cherished childhood memories?

Yeeesss... Size matters not.
 

loki100

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You know , I have to say . The little footnotes add so much flavour to it that I hope no one is skipping them ! haha . Another good update despite the brevity XD

My solution is to start with the footnotes and then read the rest ... that way I don't do any skipping to get to them ;)

Great, now you've got me incapable of shaking the image of Yoda and Kate Moss together.

I presume this isn't really the place to bring Chewie back into the comments then?
 

iain_a_wilson

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I definitely have to echo my fellow commentators here . I think not only are you doing an excellent adaptation but your own unique humour is superseding the superstructure of the storyline and making it into a proper high class affair with a thrilling plot and intrigue to go all around ! I , too , loved the little european bash-around . Always a pleasure reading your updates Iain :D

Aww - thank you very much kind sir! And don't worry about european bash-arounds; we've been making an art form of that for centuries.

You know , I have to say . The little footnotes add so much flavour to it that I hope no one is skipping them ! haha . Another good update despite the brevity XD

Thank you again! I've had a lot of good feedback on the footnotes so I always endeavour to include some. They're a nice, easy way to add to the background without bogging you guys down with too much narrative.

Here's an idea...

Very good - I have something similar planned :)

A pretty brilliantly hilarious update that was, but what's with the snarky attitude towards catwalk models? Some of us like our women starved, spoiled and sexless.

Glad you enjoyed the update, but I'll refuse to comment on your taste in starved women ;)

Great, now you've got me incapable of shaking the image of Yoda and Kate Moss together.
Mhmmmm....Doing it right, you are.


God, I feel so dirty.....
Yes, why are we continuously attempting to destroy our own cherished childhood memories?

Yeeesss... Size matters not.

Mhmmmmm...show me your dark side, bitch...

Damn - got me doing it now...

I presume this isn't really the place to bring Chewie back into the comments then?

You PROMISED Loki...

My solution is to start with the footnotes and then read the rest ... that way I don't do any skipping to get to them ;)

That must make for an unusual read!

Poor Lucas. Things aren't looking up for him at all yet, are they? I wonder what Old Ben will make of this 'one hope left for the Orange River Territory'. ;)

My lips are sealed!

Mensevanzand?
What happened to Zulus and Xhosa? :rolleyes:

darWINism! :cool:

I'm waiting for our resident Dutch/Afrikaans speaker to show up and get that one ;)
 

Eams

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And don't worry about european bash-arounds; we've been making an art form of that for centuries.
Yes, but it did get less fun once we stopped killing each other because of it.

Mhmmmmm...show me your dark side, bitch...

Damn - got me doing it now...

Am I alone in finding Yoda the less repulsive of the two?

Mensenvanzand = people from the sand?
 
Last edited:

Clydwich

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Mensenvanzand = people from the sand?

Yup!. And in proper Afrikaans too! But here you run into translation problems. Mensevanzand can mean both "people of the sand" or "people made of sand". As Sandpeople (the original) is also ambiguos (sp?) this is a most exact translation as far as I'm concerned
 

iain_a_wilson

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Yup!. And in proper Afrikaans too! But here you run into translation problems. Mensevanzand can mean both "people of the sand" or "people made of sand". As Sandpeople (the original) is also ambiguos (sp?) this is a most exact translation as far as I'm concerned

It pays to sit opposite an Afrikaaner when you're writing this AAR ;)
 

Johan11

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I'm not gonna comment!

Obese hyenas?

What kind of lunatic place is this anyway?

Seeing that I'm here as well, I might as well call a psychiatrist....

Good as always!
 

Alfredian

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Cruel overlords may not be allowed to coud like they are from the west country but pirates are and they were right bastards. With English villains being in such demand in Hollywood there must be a shortage of actors and surely there is room for more west country villainy. A Die Hard set in Exeter (or Weston super mare) cannot be very far away.

Also "pathetic ... British xenophobia"? Our xenophobia is the best in the world. I wouldn't trust any of that weird foreign xenophobia........
 

Johan11

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Die Hard in Exeter? Wow.

"Ho ho ho. Now oi 'as a machine gun moi luvvvar."

That settles it. If I'm ever gonna visit Cornwall/Dorset, I'm gonna stay in Torquay or Plymouth.
 

Eams

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I'm intrigued by the possibility of going in the opposite direction and have a conventional Jane Austen-type story take place in the darkest, dreariest parts of Glasgow, complete with kisses and all.

Or why not MacBeth but with properly Scottish dialogue?
 

iain_a_wilson

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I'm intrigued by the possibility of going in the opposite direction and have a conventional Jane Austen-type story take place in the darkest, dreariest parts of Glasgow, complete with kisses and all.

Or why not MacBeth but with properly Scottish dialogue?

Oooh. Given how much I hate Jane Austen that's tempting...

Elizabeth was sitting by herself the next morning, and texting Jane on her stolen pay-as-you-go-mobile, while Mrs. Collins and Maria were out shoplifting in the city centre, when she was startled by a knocking at the door of her council house, the certain signal of the ballifs, the police or social services. As she had heard no sirens or the crackle of walkie-talkies, she thought it not unlikely to be the rozzers, and under that apprehension was putting away her half-finished joint that she might escape all impertinent questions, when the door opened, and to her very great surprise, Mr. Darcy, and Mr. Darcy only, entered the room.

He seemed astonished too on finding her alone, and apologised for his intrusion by offering her a swig from his bottle of Buckfast.

They then sat down on the stained mattress in the corner of the room, and when her enquiries after Rosings were made, seemed in danger of sinking into total silence. It was absolutely necessary, therefore, to think of something, and in this emergency recollecting when she had seen him last out dancing at Cleopatra's night-club, and feeling curious to know what he would say on the subject of their hasty departure to the local branch of Abrakebabra for a donner and some pakora, she observed,

"You pure buggered off sharpish the other night, Darcy! We were hangin' aroon' ootside Abrakebabra fur ages waitin' fur ye. Were ye aff seein' yer bum chum Bingley? How's his sisters daein' by the way?"

"Aye, they're aw right an' that."

She found that she was to receive no other answer -- and, after a short pause, added,

"Bingley's pure shite at dancin' ain't he? Ah thought they poofs were meant tae be good at jigging, but he's gash!"


As for MacBeth - that WAS in Scottish dialect. Lowlanders speak in a very similar manner to the English you know. It's only in films that they change. We just do that to fool foreign types ;)