There's Nowt As Queer As Norfolk: The Farce Continues

[DensleyBlair]

Huzzah!

I'm not sure about the keeping calm, though

Aaahaaah! Great update Densley!

Thanks BR. I enjoyed writing it.

It only be right that you show us the seven seas in the next update

Aaahaaah! That it be. And if I be returning I be showing ye more besides!

---

Well, it look like the term-time slowdown has hit fast and hard, so thanks to both of you for your comments. I must admit, I'm developing an embarrassingly long backlog of AARs on which I need to comment what with all my own work.

In any case...

Huzzah!

 

[mike the knight]

The good feeling of Norfolk...I could not imagine how much I MISSED THIS :laugh:

 

[DensleyBlair]

The good feeling of Norfolk...I could not imagine how much I MISSED THIS :laugh:

Another loyal follower returns. Good to see you here, Mike.

---

In other news, I'm just about to begin work on the next update. Expect it sometime this evening.

Huzz- oh sod it. You know what I'm going to say.

 

[DensleyBlair]

"Oh woe, my lord! We are doomed! Doomed to a watery grave, where halibuts and pilchards shall violate our watery corpses for all eternity."

"Oh shut up you clot! Besides, you're about as close to a wet fish as a human can get already so I don't see what you're worrying about. You'd fit right in."

"Oh, but my lord, are you not worried that we shall never see our sweet, sweet England ever again?"

"Hmm... No, not really."

"Lord Nevill's got a point, sir."

"What is it now, Turquetil?"

"Well, I can empathise with his situation."

"What in Earth do you mean? How could you possibly empathise with anything more intelligent than a dung beetle?"

"Well, milord, I'm worried that we'll never see our home again. I'll miss my little space in the gutter down the docks, and the radish I'm leaving behind..."

"Turquetil, where we are going there will be vegetables far more exotic and more beautiful than any radish you have ever seen. I wouldn't worry about some mouldy old thing that spends its days floating around Cheapside with you and all the other turds in the gutter."

"Aaahaaah! Me laddies, we be ready to cast off, and leave old Blighty behind for ever!"

"What?"

"Aaahaaah! I'm sorry, my lord, I meant 'leave Blighty behind for better weather.' 'Twas a slip of the tongue."

"Well look here, you seaweed-brained cretin; any more slips of the tongue from you and I might make an unfortunate slip of my own – one that involves this you and this rather pointy stick."

"Aaahaaah! As you wish, milord. I'll be going and hauling anchor."

---

"You know, Sherwin, I'm beginning to wonder if Frobisher knows the way to India at all. We've passed that rock five times now."

"You're probably just seeing things—"

"No, it's defifnitely the same rock. You see, you can tell because it's shaped like a thingy!"

"It is very funny, milord. Though if I wanted to go round and round and look at thingies all day I could've stayed at home. Seems a bit of an hassle to go to the trouble of getting on a boat."

"Why do I bother? I'll go and talk to Frobisher."

---

"What do you mean 'I don't know the way to India'?"

"Aaahaaah! Well, my lord, it be simple really. I don't actually know how to get to India."

"And what were you planning on doing about that?"

"Aaahaaah! What I've been doing for the past five hours – sailing around that amusing rock until everyone gets dizzy."

"I see. And do any of your crew know how to get to India?"

"Aaahaaah! Crew, my lord?"

"Yes, crew. Correct me if I'm wrong, for I am after all only a salty, fish-brained land-lubber, but I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice to employ a crew."

"Aaahaaah! There you be wrong, my lord. The sailing community be divided on the subject."

"Ah. Would I be correct in guessing that you favour the 'single-handed' approach?"

"Aaahaaah! Nonsense, my lord! I have two hands!"

"No, I mean that you favour sailing without a crew?"

"Aaahaaah! Ah, you be right there."

"Brilliant. I've managed to pick the only captain in London who's crewless."

"Aaahaaah! You be wrong again, my lord. I know exactly what I'm doing!"

"No, I mean you don't have a crew."

"Aaahaaah! Aye, well you be right there."

---

"Have we received any news from Sherwin, Sylvy?"

"I fear not, ma'am. Though if they are on course, they should just be rounding the Cape of Good Hope – known popularly, I believe, as the 'Cape of No Hope At All Because the Water's Run Out and You have to Drink Your Own Urine.'"

"Don't be silly, Sylvy; Sherwin would never do something as yucky as that!"

"I fear if you wish to see him alive, milady, he may have no choice."

"You never liked capes, my little bumblebee. Whenever your father came to see you wearing his cape, you'd shout and shout. Sir Thomas More always used to complain that he couldn't concentrate on his writing, but he stopped eventually."

"Why did he stop?"

"Your father chopped his little head off, my honeybun. I tried to fix it it's some ointment, but for some reason it didn't work..."

"He always was a resilient fellow, Sir Thomas More."

"Do you think Sherwin will be back soon?"

"Well, milady, he has only been gone for three months."

"I do miss him. I asked Marlowe to help me write a poem about it. Would you like to hear it?"

"Of course, ma'am."

"When Sherwin is at sea,
And I'm feeling lonely,
I think of him on his boat,
And hope he stays afloat.
It would be a shame if he was dead,
I'd have to get someone else to go instead.

It's called Sherwin. Marlowe did the title, but the rest I did all by myself"

"A truly unique piece, milady. The meter was fascinating."

"You never did like meat, my little fluffy-wumpkin—"

"Oh shut up, Nursie."

---

"Can we really avoid it not longer? I'm not sure I need anything you know, Sherwin. After all, I did have that thimble-full of dirty seawater last month, so I'm not sure I actually need a drink—"

"Oh, shut up, Nevill. You either drink, or you die. I know which one I'd prefer, but sadly there are some people who, for whatever inexplicable reason, might have objections."

"Agh! It is true! We are doomed to a watery, haddock-filled grave!"

"Nevill, shut up and drink your water."

"Oh, I haven't got mine. Turquetil and I swapped. We wanted to try something different."

"For goodness sake— Nevill, shut up and drink Turquetil's water... Actually, where is that useless cretin?"

"He's on deck with the captain, I think."

"Aren't they coming to our floating prostate clinic?"

"Oh no – they've been drinking theirs for weeks now. Come to think of it, Frobisher has been going since before the water ran out. He says he likes the familiar taste."

"Right. Enough of these idle pleasantries; say when."

"'When' what, my lord?"

"No, birdbrain – when I've poured enough, you say 'when.'"

"Oh, I see!"

"..."

"When."

"On my count of three: one, two, thr—"

"Aaahaaah! Land ho!"

"Thank the Lord! India at last!"

"You should come up and see it, milord. All the sun and sea and sand!"

"Turquetil's right, Sherwin! Look; there's a group of friendly locals beckoning us over to them!—"

"What?"

"Look – over there. They've got a pot on, too. They must've known we were coming!"

"I'm not so sure..."

"Aaahaaah! Last one up the Balladeer's Choice be drinking real ale!"

"If that's the Balladeer's Choice, even Turquetil's got a chance."

"Ah! Thank you, milord!"

"Right – let's just go out there and avoid the 'friendly locals.'"

"Oh, pishaw and fie, milord! Whyever would we want to do that?"

"Because, Nevill, we're English. Holidays in far-fling places for us consist of avoiding anything remotely foreign, complaining about the funny food and the poor facilities, then buggering back off home a week later slightly more orange than when you arrived."

"Oh, I see."

"Look, let's just find a funny-looking new vegetable that we can flog back home for a bit of cash and leave. I don't know about you, but those people over there in the skirts waving pointy mangoes about don't look like they're shouting 'come over here and let us serve you a selection of our fine local cuisine.'"

---

"Where is Sherwin, Sylvy?"

"Well, ma'am; if he's on course, they should be arriving back home just about now..."

"Ma'am, I have returned with lands and riches beyond your wildest dreams!"

"Really, because some of my dreams are pretty wild—"

"Milady."

"Oh, yes; sorry Sherwin. I'm so excited you're home. And where is your silly friend?"

"Sadly, ma'am, Lord Nevill survived."

"Milady."

"And your dog?"

"Still here as well, I'm afraid."

"Good! Now onto the important stuff—"

"Wait! Where is the Captain?"

"Ah, well. I'm afraid he's dead."

"No!"

"Alas, it is som good woman. Though fear not; he died a noble death, approaching the boiling cooking pot with a perfect nonchalance."

"Indeed. Nursie, while your fiancé may have only been a fifth-rate seaman, he made a first-rate main course. We managed to save his beard as a momento."

"But what about the important stuff? Sherwin, what did you bring back for me?"

"Well, ma'am; what with escaping the carnivorous inhabitants of our locale occupying a lot of our time, we didn't have much time to find you a gift—"

"Get on with it!"

"Of course... Ma'am, may I present this – your present!"

"What is it?"

"It is called 'broccoli,' ma'am. 'Tis an exotic vegetable."

"It looks like a tree..."

"Ah, yes, well—"

"I don't want a tree, Sherwin, I want riches beyond my wildest dreams! Mind you, there have trees in my dreams before—"

"Ma'am—"

"Once, there was a really tall one and I slide right down it; from top to bottom. And as I slid down it made this noise like an owl—"

"Ma'am—"

"It was sort of an 'ooohoo'—"

"Ma'am!—"

"What is it?"

"The brocoli is only the first of many gifts. There is still more for you to see."

"That's good, because if the tree was the only thing you brought me, I would have to knock your blocks off! All of you!"

"Ma'am, we did in fact claim for you an island."

"An island?"

"Yes; we named it St. Martin – after our noble former captain."

"No!"

"Oh, put a bung in it, Nursie."

"Well, in that case, it looks like I won't have to chop your heads off after all! And what about Sylvester?"

"Sylvester, ma'am?"

"Yes, Sylvester. I've got my tree and my island, Nursie got her beard; what about Sylvester?"

"Ah, well, yes— Of course..."

"Quickly!"

"There was one thing..."

"Good..."

"A fine wine. 'Twas a favourite of the captain's."

"Go on, Sylvy; have a try."

"Why thank you, ma'am... I do say, it has quite the pungent aroma; a real heady amount of nose. Yes, yes; very nice, Norfolk. Very... familiar."

"Well then, you'll be pleased to know that there is an inexhaustible supply!"

---

"Lord Sherwin went off with his crew,
To find new foods and lands and peoples.
Alas, there was not much to do
But empty biscuits of their weevils.

Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; they thought their trip was doomed,
Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; their drink was well-perfumed!

Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; he heard the ocean roar,
Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; his sailing skills are poor!"

[Huzzah!]

---

To be continued with

Episode Two!

Coming soon...​

​

 

[Belgiumruler]

Huzzah! What's the next gift after that tree? A oversized fish?

 

[Seelmeister]

Very enjoyable update DB, a fortunate escape and enough of a tribute to keep the Queen happy!

 

[LordTempest]

I love the fact you managed to squeak in the old traditional Blackadder II ending rhyme at the end, I hope you'll finish every episode hereon out with one!

 

[bussoloni]

lm up at 11:00 on a school night.
reading this.
lm crazy, right?

 

[mike the knight]

A crewless captain ,some people who should never have been on the sea ...and despite all this India ! Come on ,mate ...There is is someone named Christopher who marked the way and saved you from disaster At least he did nto lose his head from Queen

 

[DensleyBlair]

Huzzah! What's the next gift after that tree? A oversized fish?

You might be stretching it with 'oversized'…

Very enjoyable update DB, a fortunate escape and enough of a tribute to keep the Queen happy!

Cheers Seelmeister. Indeed, Sherwin did well to keep his head (in both the Henry VIII and the Rudyard Kipling senses )

I love the fact you managed to squeak in the old traditional Blackadder II ending rhyme at the end, I hope you'll finish every episode hereon out with one!

Why of course! I did enjoy the five minutes I spent writing that.

lm up at 11:00 on a school night.
reading this.
lm crazy, right?

No, not crazy. I think 'devoted' is the word, though the two often go hand in hand

Mind you, I'm currently working my way through a ten-year-old AAR which I have stubbornly comtinued to read at somewhat questionable hours despite having just started my GCSEs in earnest…

A crewless captain ,some people who should never have been on the sea ...and despite all this India ! Come on ,mate ...There is is someone named Christopher who marked the way and saved you from disaster At least he did nto lose his head from Queen

Well, not that India. 'Twas a bit more westerly…

Good to see you, Mike.

---

Thanks for your comments, all. As ever, they're very much appreciated.

I'm hoping to get the next episode underway by Sunday or Monday, seeing as that's slowly becoming my schedule for this AAR. So far it's manageable.

Amd on that bombshell:

Aha!

…

Sorry, it seems I'm plagiarising the wrong show. Naturally, I meant:

Huzzah!

 

[unmerged(47028)]

Was this crewless captain, by any chance, Captain Sparow?

 

[DensleyBlair]

Was this crewless captain, by any chance, Captain Sparow?

Less Capt. Jack, more 4th Doctor

---

In other news, various delays have meant that I won't be able to update today. Between playing my Burgundy game on EUIV, visiting Tutbury Castle for a medieval reenactment/demonstration-type event and homework, I've had little time for writing. I'm now aiming for midweek.

Thanks all for your comments – see you for episode two!

Huzzah!

 

[DensleyBlair]

2: Fork

"Ah, Norfolk – I'm glad you came."

"I wish I could say the same, Sylvester."

"Maah! Come come, you are in fine jesting this morn."

"Good morning to you too."

"He is silly, isn't he Sherwin? Speak properly, Sylvy!"

"I do apologise, ma'am. I thought you approved of my eloquence."

"It's alright. Now, Norfolk, we have grave news from the south."

"Really, madam? Have the French invaded?"

"Even graver, I fear, Norfolk."

"Surely not?"

"Yes, Norfolk – the Cornish are revolting!"

"Isn't that a bit harsh, Sylvester?"

"What he means, Norfolk, is that there's a rebellion."

"I see."

"Yes, it is quite unfortunate. Not in the least because we need someone to deal with it."

"Quite, ma'am."

"I've asked Sylvy to draw up a short list. Sylvy, would you read it for Sherwin?"

"Of course, madam: Lord Norfolk… And it would seem that is all."

"Ah."

"Sylvester thought we should consider other people just in case you said no, but after convincing him how wonderful you are, he agreed that there was no way you wouldn't take the job."

"Naturally, ma'am. Just this morning, in fact, I was thinking just how much I'd enjoy being impaled on a blunt agricultural tool by a rebellious peasant."

"Good! It's funny really, because just this morning I was thinking how bare Traitors' Cloister is looking at the moment, and what with you being so dishy I think your head would be perfect impaled on a spike instead—"

"Do not fear, madam, I'm sure that that shan't be necessary."

---

"Turquetil! Put the kettle on!"

"You celebrating, milord?"

"No I am not. Unless of course my imminent death at the hands of an over-zealous pig herder is cause for celebrations."

"Should I lock the door, then?"

"What?"

"Well, you say you're going to be intimately killed by an over-zealous pig herder..."

"Yes..."

"So why not shut the door so he can't get to you?"

"An excellent plan, Turquetil. I have just one thing to point out; we have to go to them."

"Nah; that won't work, milord! if we go to them then they'll definitely kill us—"

"No, you thick-headed cretin; the queen has ordered me to lead an army against the rebels. We leave for Cornwall tomorrow."

"Sherwin!"

"Oh good! As if this morning couldn't get any worse, Lord Peabrain himself has graced us with his presence. Sod off!"

"Hoho! Very good, my lord!"

"What do you want?"

"Well, there has been rumour amongst the court that you are planning a holiday to Cornwall, and—"

"It's not a bloody holiday! I have to go and fight some stick wielding peasants who've got a bit uppity because their churches are too plain. And no, you can't come."

"Well, it sounds like it will be quite a bloody holiday then... Oh please, Sherwin!"

"Nevill, even if I did let you come you'd be on the first horse to Hampton Court as soon as we got within smelling distance of Padstow."

"Pshaw, my lord! A bunch of piffling peasants? I think I could handle them."

"Forgive me if your poor track record in the thinking department means I don't start jumping for joy straight away..."

"Oh come on!—"

"Fine! Fine; you can come. If anything, it might give me a chance to finally get rid of you..."

---

"Milord, there's someone at the door."

"For goodness sake, Turquetil!— What time is it?"

"Two thirty, milord."

"Two thirty! You must let me sleep in like this, Turquetil! We were meant to be on the road to our pasty-shaped graves at least six hours ago!"

"No, milord; two thirty in the morning."

"What? Who on Earth calls at this ungodly hour?"

"He says he's a Catholic, milord."

"Got lost on his way to morning mass, did he?— Oh, for goodness sake! Either get the door before he knocks the entire house down, or tell him to sod off!"

---

"I told him to sod off, milord."

"Well done. And did he?"

"Nuh a ded nut!"

"Oh good! I must admit, I hadn't expected to be greeted in Cornwall with a welcome party, so to have one turn up at my front door is really quite extraordinary."

"Salence! Yuh weel nut muck meh!"

"Oh I see – you know, just because you're foreign and speak with the most pathetic accent to be found this side of The Globe you really don't need to try and appear threatening. I've seen Shakespeare villains who were more intimidating than you!"

"Yuh weel regret yur werds letair Meester Nerfolk! A shell meck yuh feel suh mech pen thet yuh weel weesh yuh 'ed nevair been burn!"

"What are you going to do, eh? Talk me to death?"

"Salence! Nuhwen eensults meh end leevs tuh tell suh tell!"

"I'm sorry; I didn't quite catch that. Do you have something stuck in your throat?—"

"A zed, yuh stupeed Eengleesh peeg, thet a weel meck yuh suffair fur yair eensults. Fur a em Cairdeenal Egedio Bembo!"

"Who?"

"Yuh meh theenk yuh air clevair now, Nerfolk, bet a weel shuh yuh!"

"Watch the door as you leave; I'd hate for your ego to get stuck. Good lord – some people, eh? Mind you, I suppose this morning could've been worse. Nevill could be here. Now sod off and let me get some sleep before we begin urinating over Truro."

---

"Milord, there's someone at the door."

"Not another deranged Spaniard, is it?"

"No,*milord; it's Lord Nevill, milord."

"Oh good! Lord 'Oh What A Resilient Nose I've Got' is here at last! I suppose we really should let him in..."

"Shall I get the door then, milord?"

"No, not yet, Turquetil. I'd like to savour being in civilised company for a bit longer before our inevitable encounter with a scarily oversized pasty this afternoon."

"As you wish, milord."

"Sherwin! Sherwin! Pray let me in!"

"Oh all right then! Turquetil, get the door."

"Yes, milord."

"Nevill, what are you wearing?"

"It is a cunning disguise, my lord."

"I see. Why?"

"So that we will be invisible to the revolting Cornish and their dastardly ways, of course!"

"You look like you've suffered an unfortunate accident in a pie shop. I would advise you take it off before I am forced to take matters into my own hands with this wooden spoon."

"Well, I... Uh—"

"And besides, you don't need a disguise; you already pull off 'stupid fop' perfectly. To think that my life has come to this; about to march into battle to fight a Spaniard with an ego the size of the Isle of Wight and all I have by way of protection is a servant with the personal hygiene of a particularly lax baboon, an utter clot and a hat that's trying to do an unconvincing impression of a pasty."

---

To be continued...​

 

[Gen. Marshall]

So, the game gave you a rebellion to work with?

One thing I wasn't sure of, though, was the characterisation of the visitor in terms of speech. I'm assuming the 'Nuh a ded nut' and such was supposed to be either indicative of some sort of crudeness as far as speech is concerned, or perhaps a Cornwallite accent - further hinted at with 'pathetic accent' and 'something stuck in your throat'. In any case, I read his character as a Cockney, which I'm not sure was entirely what the author was going for. I may be wrong, and it could just be me, but you might want to have a look at it.

 

[Wyvern]

Definitely one of your better chapters so far, keep up the good work.

 

[DensleyBlair]

So, the game gave you a rebellion to work with?

Several, in fact.

One thing I wasn't sure of, though, was the characterisation of the visitor in terms of speech. I'm assuming the 'Nuh a ded nut' and such was supposed to be either indicative of some sort of crudeness as far as speech is concerned, or perhaps a Cornwallite accent - further hinted at with 'pathetic accent' and 'something stuck in your throat'. In any case, I read his character as a Cockney, which I'm not sure was entirely what the author was going for. I may be wrong, and it could just be me, but you might want to have a look at it.

I'm going to be honest and day that I can't see that as Cockney. At least, not the awright guv'ner stereotypical version of Cockney with which I'm fimiliar.

That said, I think what I was going for would best be described as 'farcical Romance.' Considering the game gave me a Cornish rebel leader called Egidio Bembo, I thought I'd make him some sort of Spanish über-Catholic set on rampaging through the countryside until every last turnip attended mass. For reference, I imagine him somewhere between the Spanish Inquisition of Monty Python and Leonardo Acropolis – the artistic jayneeous from Blackadder S2:E4.

Did anyone else have any problems with the accent? If be interested to hear them so I can work something out before I carry on with the characterisation.

Definitely one of your better chapters so far, keep up the good work.

Cheers Wyvern! I'll take that as meaning this chapter is even better, rather than this is passable and the rest has been crap.

---

I've begun work on the next part. We should be back to our usual schedule of having an update around Sunday/Monday.

Huzzah!

 

[Wyvern]

Cheers Wyvern! I'll take that as meaning this chapter is even better, rather than this is passable and the rest has been crap.

That would be the correct interpretation .

Did anyone else have any problems with the accent? If be interested to hear them so I can work something out before I carry on with the characterisation.

When I first read it, I of course had a picture of Hugh Laurie's Mad Prince Ludwig in my minds eye, and so I reading it a bit the way he spoke, which was unfair to the way you actually wrote it, and of course not appropriate to a Spaniard, as Hugh was playing a German. I reread it again now and it worked better. Did it sound Spanish? Well I'm not really sure what a parody of a Spaniard should sound like. I only really have Manuel from Faulty Towers to work with . Parodying German is so much easier.

 

[Gen. Marshall]

I'm going to be honest and day that I can't see that as Cockney. At least, not the awright guv'ner stereotypical version of Cockney with which I'm fimiliar.

That said, I think what I was going for would best be described as 'farcical Romance.' Considering the game gave me a Cornish rebel leader called Egidio Bembo, I thought I'd make him some sort of Spanish über-Catholic set on rampaging through the countryside until every last turnip attended mass. For reference, I imagine him somewhere between the Spanish Inquisition of Monty Python and Leonardo Acropolis – the artistic jayneeous from Blackadder S2:E4.

Did anyone else have any problems with the accent? If be interested to hear them so I can work something out before I carry on with the characterisation.

:rofl:

Just take a look at this:
http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum...-Critiques&p=15603259&viewfull=1#post15603259

 

[Belgiumruler]

I love it if the game gives you fun rebellions, I got overthrown around times in my Portugal game :rofl:

 

[Nikolai]

I don't have a problem with accent. But then again I don't know the accent.