There's nowt as queer as Norfolk... - A Norfolk AAR

[DensleyBlair]

Hello everyone, and welcome to my latest attempt at an AAR!

As some of you may be aware, I currently have another AAR on the go, which is more (completely) narrative based. I wanted to start this one to experiment with a more gameplay-based story. Who knows? Maybe it will even be funny If any of you are worrying, please don't. I will continue to update my other AAR regularly.

--​

In this AAR, I will be following Sherwyn of Nordfolc, Earl of Norfolk, and his descendants. He is a Ruler Designer-created character - and one I made with the sole intention of being able to play a character who's interesting

I don't have any goals, per se, apart from the obvious one of staying alive. If any of you have any ideas, I would be willing to have a look at them.

And now for the House Rules. I would like to keep it all vaguely realistic, so I shall only be marrying people who I think would be appropriate (e.g., not Matilda of Tuscany ) I also won't be going for any land grabs on the other side of the map. Usually, I won't reload, unless, that is, the game crashes, in which case I will just go from the closest auto-save.

Again, any more suggestions for rules will be taken.

I should get an introductory update up sometime soon.

--

Contents

1 - An introduction.
2 - Moving on up (just very slowly...)
3 - Harald's War.
4 - Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
5 - Some Celebrations.
6 - More than the Fare Suggested.
7 - In which nothing much happens...
8 - The Wall(s)
9 - A Game of Diplomacy
10 - Make Love, And War (And Turnips...)
11 - "I am the son and the heir..."
12 - Eat, Die and Be Merry!
13 - A Taxing Farce
14 - Gyrth and Girth
15 - The Ballad of the Many Children of Sherwyn Egstanson - Part I
16 - The Ballad of the Many Children of Sherwyn Egstanson - Part II
17 - Huzzah!
18 - Hushar!
19 - Death and Taxes

--

Extras

Take a bow...
AARlander 6 Advert
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--​

 

[Sleight of Hand]

A 1066 start I take it? Sounds interesting.

 

[Dovahkiing]

Cool! Just make sure it doesn't interfere with In the Footsteps of Charlemagne, I love that one!

 

[DensleyBlair]

A 1066 start I take it? Sounds interesting.

Yep. Which is a pain at first thanks to MedCA...

Cool! Just make sure it doesn't interfere with In the Footsteps of Charlemagne, I love that one!

Don't worry, it shan't interfere - the fantastic part about the two AARs is that I can write my Karling one whilst unable to access my game, and can write up some scenes for this one as long as I have screenshots to spare. If all goes to plan, I should be able to have something up later...

 

[DensleyBlair]

1 - An Introduction.

"This is my g-grandfather. Hs name was Æthelred of Wessex, known to his s-subjects as 'Unræd', and he was the king of England. I am, therefore, the grandson of a king.

"Sadly, that doesn't entitle m-me to m-much nowadays. But I'm happy with w-where I am in life. I have a lovely c-county all of my own, given to me by uncle Edward (1) for my sixteenth birthday. Norfolk is, in fact, my ancestral home-"

"Well, it's not really, is it."

"We've d-dis-discussed this, Ecgbert. You can't just interrupt like-"

"Be quiet, Sherwyn."

"Ok..."

"Anyway, you havent eaxctly controlled Norfolk for generations, have you?"

"Well, father was L-Lord of East Anglia. And g-grandfather was the king, so he c-controlled it. And then his father before him..."

"Granted, but Æthelred isn't exactly part of your family, is he?"

"What do you mean? Of course he is - he's my g-g-grandfather!"

"*sigh* You havent done this properly, have you Sherwyn? Why don't you start again and explain everything like it is?"

"O-k-k...

My name is Sh-Sherwyn of Nordfolc, and this is my g-grandfather - Æthelred of England. My father was his son, Egstan-"

"His son?"

"*incomprehensible mumbling* My father was his... illegitimate s-son, Egstan."

"Your father was a bastard, Sherwyn. You are allowed to say that word, by the way, you're twenty-four for Christ's sake!"

"He was not! He was a lovely- Oh, sorry, I see. Fine, my father was a b-b-."

"What was that?"

"My father was a b-bas-."

"I'm sorry, I'm a trifle deaf-"

"My father was a B-B-BASTARD, he was a damned B-BASTARD. BASTARD, BASTARD, BASTARD!"

"I think you've made your point, Sherwyn."

"Yes, um, th-thank you Ecgbert, you can leave n-now."

"As you wish, my lord..."

"Don't m-m-mind Ecgbert. He can come across a bit... s-strong, but he's nice really. Anyway, sorry for that outburst. My name is Sherwyn of Nordfolc, and I am the grandson of Æthelred Unræd whether my courtiers like it or not. This is me:

(2)

Very soon, there will be v-v-very f-few people who don't know my n-name-"

"*quasi-subdued laughter*"

"Ecgbert, I th-thought you'd left!"

"Quite, sorry my liege..."

"Anyway, this is m-my wife, Eadhild:

She c-c-came on to me in an inn - not th-that I g-go to inns that often - and I, I don't really like her, but w-what can you do? My bishops say that d-divorces are s-s-sin-sinful, and I'm too s-scared to write to the p-p-pope in case he says no... She doesn't speak to me all that much, and can be very over powering. I think she's been stealing my money, as well, but I dare not ac-c-ccuse her of anything - I don't like it when people shout, you see.

"Anyway, I d-digress. And this was meant to b-b-be short... N-Now that I've introduced myself- Oh, there's Eadhild now!"

"What? Oh, hello."

"I was ju-just saying g-g-goodbye, dear. Would you like t-to?- Hey, what are you d-d-doing with that?"

"This *hides a bag of coins* oh, I was just going to the town with my money. Anyway, um, goodbye-"

"But, you, you, you don't have any money... It's all m-m-mine-"

"Goodbye, dear..."

"Oh, um, g-goodbye... Oh g-good, she's g-g-gone - why d-does she always seem so sus-sus-suspicious? Anyway, gosh, it's getting late. And I p-promised Ælaf that I'd g-g-go and see him... I m-must go."

--​

(1) Edward the Confessor

(2) These pictures are from about 1070, hence the age, although none of the traits are different.

 

[NewbieOne]

Hah! I see you've given the French-sounding Earl of Norfolk the boot with the Ruler Designer.

Good luck with that and don't forget you need to stutter until the end of the AAR, you know!

 

[Dovahkiing]

This is an awesome companion to In the Footsteps of Charlemagne, Sherwyn is the BEST. EARL. EVER.

 

[DensleyBlair]

Hah! I see you've given the French-sounding Earl of Norfolk the boot with the Ruler Designer.

Good luck with that and don't forget you need to stutter until the end of the AAR, you know!

Not to be morbid, but it should only be until he dies (although, without giving anything away, his son did inherit the trait - so here's to more of Nordfolc goodness!) And yes, I gave that Breton guy the boot. The only annoying bit is that now my vassals (all three of them...) are Breton, although this should change when they die... Aren't I morbid?

This is an awesome companion to In the Footsteps of Charlemagne, Sherwyn is the BEST. EARL. EVER.

Thank you very much - I'm sure Sherwyn would appreciate it as well

 

[DensleyBlair]

2 - Moving on up (just very slowly...)

"Oh, h-hello. S-sorry, you've c-c-caught me at quite a b-busy time, you see. Th-this was d-delivered a few m-m-months a-g-go, and I have been really b-busy since this w-was d-delivered:

It was n-ni-nice of him to c-call me honourable. I think I'd r-rather be honourable than 'wr-wretched' or 'des-despicable.' Of course, b-being st-steward doesn't mean that the d-duke t-trusts me. Y-you see, I'm planning to f-f-fab-fab...create a claim on N-Norfolk. Then, as the d-duke's most powerful vassal, I will rise up and d-d-defeat him. Of course, I w-won't be-"

"You do realise you are Gyrth's only vassal, my lord."

"Oh, um, Æthelwine. Um, h-how m-m-much d-did y-you hear?"

"All of it, my lord."

"..."

"My lord...?"

"Um, yes, q-quite. Um, g-goodbye Æthelwine..."

"Goodbye, my lord. Peace be with you." (1)

"H-he w-w-will have to be s-silenced - he kn-knows t-too much..."

"..."

"Sorry, I don't w-want you to get the wr-wrong imp-p-p-pression of me. I m-mean, I will s-send Ælaf to go and t-t-ta... Have a chat with him. I've n-never been any good at sp-speaking, so I th-think it's only r-right that my ch-chancellor should go f-for m-m-me. Anyway, as I w-was s-saying, I wouldn't be l-leading the t-troops my-s-self. My c-castle is m-much safer than a b-bat-battlefield... I would leave the c-c-commanding to the m-mercenary c-captain I would hire. I have p-p-planned this out, you know... But, as I s-said, the duke doesn't r-really trust me, I don't think. Which is a sh-shame, r-really. Only th-the other d-day, he sent his s-sp-spymaster to come and in-in-investigate:

My s-spymaster suggested k-killing him, b-but th-that would be wr-wrong, and I w-would burn in Hell f-forever-"

"Coward!"

"Yes, um, th-thank you Riaged.-"

"There is still time, my lord - let's kill him while there is still time! Or your plan will fail, fail I say!"

"Yes, um, thank you... Oh, g-good, he's g-gone. He m-may be my s-spymaster, but he really s-s-scares me. I don't have m-much, but I have my p-p-principles..."

"..."

" So, um...the weather has been nice th-this autumn..."

"..."

"Oh, s-sorry, yes, I d-do have n-news! My wife is p-pregnant!:

I'm hoping for a boy so I can c-call him Eg-s-s-stan, after m-my father. Oh look, there's Eadhild n-now! Eadhild!"

"What?"

"Oh, um, I w-was just t-telling my guests how you are p-pregnant-"

"Oh yes, with your new son and heir. Do my views ever get heard? No. Because it's going to be a BOY, not a girl, like I want. You really are very selfish, Sherwyn - first I can't spend my money, and now I'm carrying your baby-"

"It is m-my baby, Eadhild."

"*deathstare*..."

"Yes, um, j-just as m-much as it is y-yours."

"M-hm. Anyway, I'm off now. Goodbye, husband."

"G-Good- hey! Is th-that my m-money? Oh d-dear, she's gone... Now that she's c-craving she just t-takes my m-money to b-buy food... You kn-know what? I think I m-might just f-face my f-fear of r-r-rejection and write to the p-pope..."

"..."

"Oh, s-s-sod it. I'll just b-be w-wasting my time..."

--​

(1) Æthelwine is the court chaplain.

 

[Sleight of Hand]

Make sure to misspell the child's name, suggesting it was written down verbatim as some sort of joke at your expense.

 

[DensleyBlair]

I've already got three (four?) of them, so we'll have to make sure the fifth absolutely hates his school life

 

[DisgruntledLemming]

Very good so far! Surprisingly easy to read, in spite of the Porky Pig style of speaking that the main character seems to have taken.

Love it, perfectly awkward character.

 

[DensleyBlair]

Very good so far! Surprisingly easy to read, in spite of the Porky Pig style of speaking that the main character seems to have taken.

Love it, perfectly awkward character.

Why thank you very much A new part should be up sometime soon.

 

[DensleyBlair]

3 - Harald's War.

"It s-seems that I forgot to tell you about the w-war... It's all quite c-c-c...d-difficult to-"

"Say?"

"Go away Riaged... Difficult to understand. As far as I can understand, two Norweigians w-want the crown off H-Harold's head - w-which we all kn-know should b-be mine anyway..."

"...and it would, if it weren't for your BASTARD father."

"Sh-Sh-Shut up! As I was s-s-saying, two Norweigians w-want the crown, and Harold has to g-go to w-war to make s-s-sure he gets to k-keep it. Actually, they're quite p-p-p-powerful, so it's probably a g-good thing that th-this happened:

He was the f-first Norweigian, and the l-least scary apparently. They call him H-Hardradar, or s-something l-like that, wh-whatever a 'r-radar' is, b-but he s-sounds scary nonetheless. Anyway, he's d-dead, so all his s-soldiers have g-gone home, which is g-good. Of course I wasn't-"

"Doing any of the fighting?"

"RIAGED! For the f-f-f... last t-time, B-B-BUGGER OFF!"

"As you wish *exit doing Prince Blackadder's funny walk*"

"Sorry, what I was g-going to s-say was that I wasn't s-sc-scared-"

"*laughter*"

"RIAGED! WHEN I- Oh, s-s-sorry, Æthelwine, I thought y-you were R-Riaged. What's f-funny?"

"Sorry, my lord, it's just the fact that you claim you weren't scared, when we all know that you couldn't kick a golfer in the balls."

"G-Golfer?"

"Oh yes, sorry, a new type of warrior from Scotland. Trained to launch volleys of hard little balls to pick off the weakest of the enemy."

"Oh. The S-Scots aren't invading as-w-well, are they?"

"No sir, don't worry. I'd best be off now."

"Of course... Sorry about th-that, now I've completely f-for-forgotten what I w-was going to say... Oh yes. Harald is d-dead, which doesn't really matter anyway because he w-wouldn't have w-won."

"Aren't you forgetting someone, my lord?"

"Oh yes, th-thank you Ecgbert."

"Not at all, my liege..."

"I d-don't know what he d-does that whole 'm-m-my lord' thing, b-but it really c-creeps me out... Anyway, the other Norwegian invader is called William, and he's from F-France. He s-says that he sh-should be k-king because uncle Edward told him that he c-could be when he died (Edward, th-that is.) When H-Harold was chosen by the W-W-Witan, he decided to invade. He has the b-backing of the p-pope, and lots more s-soldiers than Harald, which is w-why he's s-scarier... Obviously, m-my duties as s-s-steward k-keep me from f-fighting, b-but I imagine that he's s-scarier."

"Arent you going to tell your guests our other news? Or do you not care that you have a daughter?"

"Oh, um, hello, um, y-yes. We had a d-daughter, who we c-called Agatha:

She's now my heir, w-which is g-good, because my land won't g-go to G-Gyrth when I d-die now. Annoyingly, everyone th-thinks I'm w-weak because I have a g-girl heir, rather than a b-boy-"

"It's not because of that my lord..."

"Oh, h-hello again Ecgbert. W-Why is it th-then?"

"Probably just your general weak-willed persona and the fact that men don't tend to look up to people called 'Sherwyn'..."

"Oh, um, w-well..."

"..."

"Do y-you want to leave now, Ecgbert?"

"At once, my lord."

"Have you forgotten I'm here, Sherwyn?"

"Um, n-no, um, sorry..."

"Good. Now, why don't you apologise to me for claiming that the baby would be a boy, and not taking my views not account you selfish git..."

"I w-won't, because no one c-can tell what a baby is growing to be until it is b-born."

"Is that right? Then how come the Wise Woman promised me a girl?"

"Sh-She must have guessed and g-got it right..."

"Do you doubt the Wise Woman?"

"Um, n-no, um... Sorry, I'm going to s-say g-goodbye before this turn into t-t-too much of a f-farce..."

"Typical, taking the coward's way out-"

--

To be continued...​

 

[morningSIDEr]

Very good and amusing stuff so far. C-c-consider me subscribed!

 

[DensleyBlair]

Very good and amusing stuff so far. C-c-consider me subscribed!

Why th-th-th... Oh sod it, you kn-know what I m-mean

 

[DensleyBlair]

4 - Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I actually quote pleased with the title, as it could be interpreted as a 'double pun', not only referencing a fantastic David Bowie song, but causally mocking the way our Earl speaks ]​

"Remember th-that s-small war I told you about last t-time w-we saw each other?"

"Small? Like your-"

"Th-Thank you, R-Riaged... Yes, that s-s-small war:

We m-might b-be in a b-bit of t-t-trouble..."

"We? I'm not the Earl."

"Um, y-yes, q-q-quite.... This new k-king, um, W-W-William wanted to m-make his p-presence f-felt straight away:

And of c-course, the result was exactly wh-what one would expect when y-you h-have a scary new k-king."

"Rebellion, my lord?"

"Oh, h-hello Thurcytel. Um, s-say hello."

"Hello"

"Actually, I l-like Th-Thurcytel... He d-doesn't answer b-back No, um, n-not a rebellion. A m-majority v-vote-"

"Whatever happened to good old fashioned despotic rule?"

"Oh, oh, I know this one!"

"*it was a rh-rhetorical q-question, Thurcytel* Riaged, y-you can take your c-c-c... Right w-wing views elsewhere, th-thank you v-very much-"

"Now?"

"Y-Yes, b-bloody now! H-Hang on...

Anyway, th-the vote p-passed, and th-the k-king now has m-more power:

Ap-p-parrently, this d-democracy is g-going to stick around for a wh-while."

"Oh?"

"Yes, n-next we will b-be electing p-people called 'Lord Sheriff Administrators'"

"And what do they do?"

"N-No one r-really knows, actually...[/SATIRE] W-William has quickly r-reorganised the c-country so th-that his N-Norwegian f-fr-"

"Actually, my lord, he's Norman...Get it right, for God's sake...

"Um, r-right, y-yes. Anyway, um, his f-friends g-got all of the old S-Saxon l-land:

A Norman n-now c-controls Oxf-f-ford, and, um... Actually, I th-thought he had b-been a bit more r-ruthless... Do you th-think he w-would give me s-some land if I was N-Norman?"

"Um, bit you're no-"

"Bonjour, je s-suis l'Earl de Norfolk, et je m'appelle Sh-Sh-Sh... Oh, le sod est... Um, je suis un grand Earl, et je s-suis t-très p-powerful..."

"*le laughter*"

"Le shut up! Oh... regarder, ou est ma wife, um, non, il y a ma wife... Or is est mon wife, um..."

"What an earth are you doing, Sherwyn?"

"Um, je n-ne suis r-rien..."

"You got that much right, at least..."

"Oh, le bien! Je peu impresser le roi n-nouveau av-v-vec mon F-Français!"

"Actually, my lord, Normans speak Norman French... William might not understand you..."

"Oh, we have something in common! Then again, Ove never understood you, Sherwyn..."

"Mais tu came on au moi! S-Surely tu as regardé quelquechose dans moi?"

"There are some things dans ce monde no one will ever understand. The aphrodisiacs in the beer at the Jester's Choice are just some of them..."

"Bof!"

--

To be continued...​

 

[DensleyBlair]

I would just like to issue an apology to any French speakers who may have the misfortune to read this and be offended. And to anyone else - the French was meant to be bad at best, I'm not just demonstrating my as-yet incomplete education (that wasn't a quip about the education system in the UK, by the way, I'm 14 )

 

[mike the knight]

ooo god this s-s-s-spelling is amazing let us see how it proceeds under the new King( always as longas he is a King ... )

 

[DensleyBlair]

ooo god this s-s-s-spelling is amazing let us see how it proceeds under the new King( always as longas he is a King ... )

Thank you - a new update should be up tomorrow, or Saturday at the latest