There's nowt as queer as Norfolk... - A Norfolk AAR

[DensleyBlair]

Extra - Take a bow...

"Go on Sherwyn, take a bow..."

"Wh-Why? It's not as if I've d-done anything-

"Take the bloody bow for God's sake."

"I might c-consider it, R-Riaged, if you take your knife away from m-my b-back. Hang on, are y-you trying to th-threaten me?"

"With this? No! This is from my, um... amateur dramatics society?"

"Oh? Are y-you doing a Christmas p-p-pr-pro-produc- bloody hell, play?"

"No, but if you don't shut up it'll be The Murder of a Saxon. Now take the bloody bow!"

"Not doing a Ch-Christmas play? How c-can you c-call yourself an amateur d-dramatics society and n-not do a Christmas play?"

"Well, last time we, um, did business with an amateur - a man very much like yourself, actually-"

"H-"

"It was very dramatic. Believe you me, Sherwyn, you wouldn't have been able to stay in the room, what with all the blood and gore. It was all um, fake, of course, but still-"

"*vomits*"

"Oh good, he's taken a bow."

 

[Luusydh]

We're still in 1077 - I'm taking things slowly with this one

I'm perfectly fine with this being a lengthy AAR. Very entertaining.

 

[mike the knight]

You are such a guy of comedy .I like it !

 

[DensleyBlair]

You are such a guy of comedy .I like it !

Why thank you

 

[morningSIDEr]

"Yes, Th-... The town. I need you to go and c-calm the p-people down. I've seen a lot of them w-with pitchforks l-lately."

"Um, quite... You do know they're farmers, my lord?"

"A p-pitchfork is a p-pitchfork, Ælaf."

Sherwyn is entirely right to be cautious, I'm sure I've noticed some of them armed with turnips too. Very suspicious.

 

[DensleyBlair]

Sherwyn is entirely right to be cautious, I'm sure I've noticed some of them armed with turnips too. Very suspicious.

Turnips? God! Where? This is just too suspicious...

--

Thanks for stopping by

 

[DensleyBlair]

8 - The Wall(s)

"I can sleep a b-bit s-safer now, kn-knowing I'm not g-going to be attacked by one of those d-dreaded golfers. I can't imagine that there are m-many p-people who can get p-past a long wall of very sharp sticks."

"Well, obviously then Sherwyn, your capacity for creative thinking is somewhat low."

"Oh God! It's the op-p-pressed mass who ch-chased me! Have y-you c-come to overth-throw me in a bloodless coup and install a society in wh-which there are n-no classes to c-constrain-"

"No I have bloody not! I'm Marzhin, the mayor of Lynn- your mayor of Lynn. And, if you don't shut up about a bloody classless society, you'll be the oppressed mass around here! Capish?"

"Is there no end to these Italians?"

"Ælaf, I'm bloody Breton. You should know that, what with being chancellor and all..."

"Yes, q-quite..."

"..."

"Sorry."

"Thank you."

"Anyway, Ælaf, wh-what's wr-wrong with the Italians? You haven't been talking to Æthelwine, have y-you?"

"Well, yes, b-"

"Aha! So y-you are in c-cahoots! Are you p-planning to get rid of th-them? Because we a-have a-w-ways of g-getting a-you to a-talk..."

"This is ridiculous."

"..."

"..."

"Um, o-k-k-k..."

"..."

"Oh, r-right, I w-was g-going to talk to y-you about my new w-wall."

"I can't wait."

"Get out, Marzhin."

"Gladly."

*slam*

"Any-w-way, I g-gave in to Æthelwine's d-demands and ordered for a s-stone wall to b-be b-built:

"Surely, th-this will keep anyone out-"

"I'm not sure why anyone would want t come in, to be perfectly honest, my lord..."

"Um, please l-leave, Ecgbert."

"Actually, my lord, I think this looks exciting. I'd rather stay..."

"Um, ok."

And now, a picture of excitement in Norfolk:

[IMAGE NOT FOUND]*​

"But, as I w-was g-going to say earlier, I th-think the wall will h-help a lot defensively. Something t-tells me the peasants will think twice about attacking n-now."

"Always! Why does it always have to be about those bloody peasants?"

"But that's j-just it! They're bloody with th-the b-blood of their enemies!"

"..."

"Oh, and, b-before I go, my wife's p-pregnant:

"I'm n-now g-going to run away before my w-wife gets here."

--

To be continued...

--

*I have been to Norfolk, and, before anyone gets offended, it was a very enjoyable holiday.​

 

[mike the knight]

At least he is waiting for a child ! Cnstruction programme under way ! Everything is under control

 

[tnick0225]

I'm liking this, its a hilarious read. Now time to go knock out a few more chapters of your Karling adventures

 

[morningSIDEr]

Great stuff, wonderfully witty as ever.

"Actually, my lord, I think this looks exciting. I'd rather stay..."

"Um, ok."

And now, a picture of excitement in Norfolk:

[IMAGE NOT FOUND]*​

I'm going to have to go for a lie down now in a darkened room. Far too much excitement for me to handle.

 

[DensleyBlair]

At least he is waiting for a child ! Cnstruction programme under way ! Everything is under control

Seems so...

I'm liking this, its a hilarious read. Now time to go knock out a few more chapters of your Karling adventures

Thanks for your readership of both Hopefully the adventures of the of Nordfolcs will continue to interest you.

Great stuff, wonderfully witty as ever.

Why thank you

I'm going to have to go for a lie down now in a darkened room. Far too much excitement for me to handle.

It seems I forgot the health warning...

 

[Fyregecko]

A splendid AAR so far, comrade. Especially enjoyed the 'Picture not Found' bit in the last episode

Looking forward to Sherwyn's continued adventures - I'm looking forward to seeing how he deal with opportunities for advancement, as he seems a bit of a dither...

 

[DensleyBlair]

A splendid AAR so far, comrade. Especially enjoyed the 'Picture not Found' bit in the last episode

Looking forward to Sherwyn's continued adventures - I'm looking forward to seeing how he deal with opportunities for advancement, as he seems a bit of a dither...

Why thank you

As for advancement, I think that would be a small miracle...

 

[DensleyBlair]

9 - A Game of Diplomacy

"The ch-child was a g-girl, which I'm n-not best pleased ab-b-bout because I'm told they're n-not 'in' at the m-moment."

"'In,' my lord?"

"Yes, 'In, Ælaf - used in its inf-f-formal adjectival s-sense to m-mean 'fashionable.'"

"So, you mean to tell me that you disapprove of your daughter as she is not 'in'?"

"Y-Yes."

"And, forgive me if I'm being too forward here, but how the bloody hell do you know that?"

"Because, Ælaf, I have c-contacts."

"Contacts? Oh really... Well, maybe you can get him to sort out what you see, to perceive as 'in' in terms of clothes."

"Wh-What d-do you mean, Ælaf?"

"Sherwyn, have you seen your wardrobe lately?

To be frank, I don't know which one the man is on the right, and the outfits on the left seem to be made out of fabric that was rejected by Quentin McQueer, the homoerotic tailor."

"I-"

"You...?"

"Just leave, Ælaf."

"At once, my lord. I'm glad I could've been of service."

*slam*

"I'm going to h-have to d-do something about him."

"..."

"Anyway, I've h-had the m-most fantastic idea. I've heard that there are these two p-peasant families in Th-Th-Thetford who have been f-feuding over some c-cow that was stolen fift y-years ago or something. Seeing as I w-wanted to t-trymy hand at imp-p-proving my skills w-with diplomacy, I thought I could try and act as a m-m-m-med-mediator..."

"..."

"..."

"Um, Sherwyn, are you sure that will be a good idea?"

"Wh-Wh-... Yes, I th-think it is a g-great plan."

"B-But, Sherwyn, you're scared out of your mind by peasants-"

"*I'll be fine...*"

"Um, h-hello... Wh-Who are you?"

"Oim Burt."

"B-Burt?-"

"Now, jes the once-"

"Um, y-yes, I get that... I have a st-st-stutter."

"A stadder, eh? Moy varther 'ad one o' those-"

"Oh?"

"Yeh, we zold it t' pay fur this 'ere chicken."

"Y-You sold a stutter?- You know what... I d-don't want to know..."

"Aren't y' going' t'ask who I am?"

"Wh-Who are you?"

"Oim Burt."

"Burt... S-So, you're b-both called Burt?"

"Aye, 'cept oim Burt the Bald Baz'rd, an' eez Burt the Baz'rd wit' 'air"

"Simple enough."

"..."

"Right th-then, what's the p-problem?"

"Wal, Burt the Baz'rd wit' 'air's varther's varther stole moy vather's vather's brother's cow."

"OK."

"Assairpt, the Baz'rd who stole the then's alzo moy varther's varther's brother."

"Alr-r-right... So, you're cousins?"

"Brahthers, accully."

"..."

"..."

"So, you're t-telling m-me that your grandfather stole his brother's chicken, your grandfather also being your g-great uncle."

"Thas correct."

"And, wh-what would you like me to do?"

"Wal, oi thart tha' Burt the Baz'rd wit' 'air could pay me wot oi think iss worth."

"Wh-Which would be...?"

"Two eggs and a bag of mud."

"..."

"..."

"Burt the Bald Baz'rd, c-can you pay him?"

"Yez. Yez oi can."

"..."

"..."

"Are y-you g-going to then?"

"Now. Now oim naht."

"Oh, um... Is th-that alright, B-Burt the Baz'rd wit' 'air?"

"Now. Now it ain't. Oi want moy payment."

"Well, you'll 'av t' take et boy vorce then!"

*fighting*

"Oh G-God! Pitchforks!"

*continued fighting*

"And t-turnips! Someone, help m-me!"

*even more continued fighting*

"Burt! I d-demand you get your chicken off me!"

*see above*

"Th-Thurcytel, y-you can come and g-get me now!"

*guess*

"Bugger this... I th-think I'd rather take m-my chances with Eadhild th-than with these m-men and th-their turnips..."

"How was it, my lord?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"My lord?"

"It's n-not for me..."

--

To be continued...​

 

[LordTempest]

Love the brothers Burt and their lively accents! Superb update all round really.

 

[DensleyBlair]

Love the brothers Burt and their lively accents! Superb update all round really.

Thank you very much - nice to see you in the thread

--

That said, I have a confession to make. Having just played nine years worth of gameplay, which saw dramatic changes in Norfolk (not to give anything away,) I can't find the screenshots. I used the standard F11 method, with 'Screenshot Taken' flashing up after each one, but can't find them in my files. At the beginning of the session, I accidentally used F12 to take a screenshot, which is the button you use on Steam, and am able to access that one via the Steam screenshot folder.

I still have notes, but fear that nine years (which, at this rate, would be a good few update) without screenshots would be a it much.*

Thoughts?

--

*On top of that, it seems I did the same for the last session as well, so it could be something like 11 years with no pictures...

 

[LordTempest]

Thank you very much - nice to see you in the thread

--

That said, I have a confession to make. Having just played nine years worth of gameplay, which saw dramatic changes in Norfolk (not to give anything away,) I can't find the screenshots. I used the standard F11 method, with 'Screenshot Taken' flashing up after each one, but can't find them in my files. At the beginning of the session, I accidentally used F12 to take a screenshot, which is the button you use on Steam, and am able to access that one via the Steam screenshot folder.

I still have notes, but fear that nine years (which, at this rate, would be a good few update) without screenshots would be a it much.*

Thoughts?

--

*On top of that, it seems I did the same for the last session as well, so it could be something like 11 years with no pictures...

I think the only thing you can do in this situation is to either scour your PC for those screenshots or find some substitute pictures on google or somewhere else. I mean hey, your last update didn't use any in-game pics and it was still pretty funny, so it's not like your AAR needs in-game screens to be humourous.

 

[Fyregecko]

I second the above: I've had a few AAR episodes which haven't had a single gameplay screenshot. I'm sure you can either make or find some perfectly adequate substitutes, using MS Paint if necessary

 

[DensleyBlair]

I think the only thing you can do in this situation is to either scour your PC for those screenshots or find some substitute pictures on google or somewhere else. I mean hey, your last update didn't use any in-game pics and it was still pretty funny, so it's not like your AAR needs in-game screens to be humourous.

Thanks

I think my main concern is that the screens would illustrate what was going on nicely, rather than add to any humour. You're points are definitely valid, though.

I second the above: I've had a few AAR episodes which haven't had a single gameplay screenshot. I'm sure you can either make or find some perfectly adequate substitutes, using MS Paint if necessary

I think my Google-Imaging skills are nicely honed now, thanks to my other AAR, so I'm sure I could rustle something up. As for Paint, considering it took me four hours to make a map in GIMP earlier (here, if you're interested,) updates might be a bit farther spaced out...

Thank you both for your suggestions.

 

[DensleyBlair]

10 - Make Love, And War (And Turnips...)

"The k-king's at it again. He declared w-war for a thing in F-France known as 'the V-Vexin.' The insignificance and m-mundanity of this event is r-reflected in the f-fact that I d-don't have a p-picture to show it:

[NOT A PICTURE OF GOING TO WAR FOR VEXIN]

"Also, I'm at it again. The s-significance and r-remarkability-"

"That's not a word."

"The *remarkability* of this event is r-reflected in the fact th-that I have a picture to sh-show it:

"Remarkable, milord."

"P-Praise is all well and good, Th-Thurcytel, but n-not when it verges on ins-s-sincerity."

"Yes, milord... Sorry, milord."

"In, other n-news, W-William has been exc-c-communicated, which apparently m-means that he's n-not allowed to get bread from the P-Pope anymore. Th-this n-now means that every other C-Catholic ruler can d-declare war on us to get W-William to ab-abd-abd-... step d-down, although, I imagine that he'll have d-declared w-war on every other C-Catholic ruler b-before anyone g-gets a chance to."

"..."

"Oh, and Æthelwine finally managed t-to convince m-me to pay for a s-stone wall... Actually, he th-threatened m-me with a v-visit from some g-golfers, and I c-caved in."

"I didn't threaten you, Sherwyn."

"Yes y-yo-"

"I *didn't threaten you*, Sherwyn."

"Um, n-no. Y-You d-didn't..."

"..."

"Anyw-w-way, Thetford n-now looks like this:

"If you look c-closely, you can s-see some of the buildings in the b-background."

"Can you?"

"Yes, l-look. There's a h-house right there-"

"Where?"

"In the f-front. That's where Burt the B-Bark-Eater lives."

"Burt the Bark-Eater?"

"Yes, B-Burt the Bark-Eater. He lives in th-that tree."

"Is he... mad, by any chance?"

"M-Mad? Not at all! In fact, eating b-bark is v-very healthy."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I'm t-told it r-really helps with d-digestion."

"Milord!"

"What is it, Th-Thurcytel?"

"I have an urgent message."

"Yes, wh-what is it, Th-Thurcytel?"

"Burt the Bark-Eater has just died! Apparently he poisoned himself."

"P-Poisoned?"

"Yes, he decided he'd try and eat a yew tree. Sounds like a pretty daft thing to do. I reckon he was one branch short of a tree, of you know what I mean."

"Um... Yes, q-quite."

"..."

"..."

"Sh-Shut up, Æthelwine."

"As you wish, my lord."

"..."

"..."

"Anyway, I don't imagine any g-golfers will b-be invading any t-time soon:

"L-Look at him, trying to figure out h-how to g-get over my wall. Look at the m-malice in his eyes!"

"I think he's actually only playing golf, my lord."

"Wh-What a ridiculous th-thing to say, Ælaf!"

"Bu-"

"Next y-you'll be telling me t-turnips are for eating!"

"They are, my lord."

"Wh-What? They've inf-f-f... got into our s-society! Slowly b-bringing us d-down from within-"

"My lord-"

"Is it the g-golfers?-"

"My lord-"

"Are they p-plotting to k-kill us all?"

"If the golfers were to blame, my lord, I assure you that we'd know about it."

"Are you s-sure?"

"Yes, my lord. If the Scots had any thing to do with this whole affair - not that turnips are dangerous in the first place - you would, in fact, be watcng out not for turnips, but for whiskey-drenched 'neeps, which would come on a bed of equally whiskey-drenched haggis, served with a glass of finest Scotch whiskey, on a tasteful tartan tablecloth."

"What's haggis?"

"You don't need to know."

"..."

"..."

"Wh-What's for d-dessert?"

"Dessert, Sherwyn, is not a Scottish concept. Instead, having finished a meal, Scottish people-"

"G-Golfers?"

"Um, yes... if you like. Anyway, they will drink as much ale and whiskey as they can, before drunkenly spilling forth onto the streets, starting fights with anyone nearby."

"I g-glad I d-don't live in S-Scotland, then."

"Yes, my lord. I'm it's particularly bad on something called 'Burns' Night.' I'm told it's when they celebrate all the burning, looting, drinking and pillaging of the past year."

"Thank God our w-wall will k-keep them out."

"Yes, but it won't keep out the oppressed masses..."

--

To be continued...

--

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against golfers, or Scottish people, for that matter. In fact, I highly enjoy receiving comments from my golfer friends on this AAR ​