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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Farquharson

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Semi-Lobster: My first reaction was that the war outcome wasn’t that good, but actually it was - France taking those provinces was very important since the Paltry Scottish Navy would never have been able to get the Army across the channel without being massacred by the English Navy.

Regarding the Jameses, I’m afraid they just keep on coming - it’s almost as bad as the French Louises (or however you spell the plural of Louis). Not only do they die a lot, but most of Scotland’s problems seemed to stem from the fact that they almost all died young, leaving young children as heirs to the throne. This was a fact of Scottish history I had never appreciated before.

As for Scottish explorers being sent around the world that is coming, but later. Meanwhile...

Episode 7: 1488 - 1513
England’s Demise and her Revenge


James IV was a far more popular monarch than his nerdy father. What was it that made him so popular? Perhaps it was the fact that he led his own troops in battle, or that he made great improvements to both the Army and the Navy. Perhaps it was that he encourgaed the Arts, helping to found Scotland’s third University, King’s College, in Aberdeen and allowed great poets like William Dunbar to flourish. More likely, it was that his one over-riding ambition was to wipe England from the face of the earth.

It was clear that France would not be of particular help against England any more, so when Burgundy declared war on France’s ally Lorraine in 1488, James dishonoured the alliance and turned back to his former ally Eire.


Scots Embassy to the court of Conn II mac Énrí of Eire: Your Excellency, I bring good news. Our glorious King James IV has seen fit to invite you into a military alliance with our large and powerful nation once more!

Conn II mac Énrí of Eire, High King of Eire: Well now, a military alliance, is it? And what would we be wantin’ to be in a military alliance with you for, just?

Scots Embassy: Er... Well, we could defend you against your enemies that surround you on all sides, threatening your very existence!

Conn II: Sure, and would that be England you were talkin’ about?

Scots Embassy: England, yes! We will defend you against the rabid English imperialists!

Conn II: Well see, since you and those froggies took most of their lands, we’re not feelin’ that threatened by the rabid English imperialists these days. Of course, if they started takin’ back their rightful territories we might start to get scared again. In the meantime, we’ll just leave things as they are, will we?

But six months later an embassy from Eire arrived at James’s court in Edinburgh:

James IV: Ah, good, I hope your King has seen reason and wishes to join my alliance now.

Irish Embassy: Well, no, it’s not that exactly, Your Majesty. More like he’s invitin’ you to join his alliance.

James IV: What! But that’s preposterous! How could Eire be the leader of the alliance?

Irish Embassy: Well, that’s easy, Your Majesty. Sure, we do the invitin’ and you do the acceptin’. There’s nothin’ could be simpler!

James was furious but he realized that, because he stood to gain much more from the alliance than the Irish, he would have to accept or have no alliance at all. So the stage was set for the next war, and as soon as the truce with England ended in Oct 1493, James declared it.

The Scottish Army invaded Anglia, defeated the small English force defending it, and besieged London. The armies defending England’s other three provinces then converged on London but were beaten one after another in rapid succession during November 1493. The following March Scottish reinforcements arrived and in November 1494 London fell.

It was Cardiff’s turn next, and the Scots arrived there in December. The siege was long and bitter and the city did not fall until June 1497, by which time revolts had sprung up in the Midlands, Bristol and Wessex. The Scottish Army spent the remainder of the year dealing with the unauthorized revellers, and then they defeated a small English army in Kent before besieging Canterbury. That town fell just five months later and Plymouth was besieged in July 1498.

Finally Plymouth was captured in December 1498, England was completely under Scottish control, and King Henry VII was forced to hand over Wales, Cornwall and Kent to Scotland. The English were not to be beaten so easily, however, and over the next few years a widespread guerrilla war was fought in the normally peaceful English countryside. Heavy metal bands working from bases in London began to wreak havoc in the recently occupied provinces, reducing many a peasant to a catatonic head-banging state with their deafening open air concerts.

Meanwhile, James continued with his campaign for a closer entente with the Irish. Suitable gifts were shipped regularly across the Irish Sea, and in September 1500 James was ready to pop the question. The new Irish High King, Domhnall XII Clárach, was invited to a top level summit in Edinburgh.


James IV, King of Scotland: Well, it’s very good of you to come King Domhnall.

Domhnall XII Clárach, High King of Eire: Oh, but it’s a rare treat to get away from Dublin for a while, sure.

James IV: Yes, I daresay it is. Well, I won’t keep you guessing what it’s all about. You’ll no doubt have noticed that we now control virtually all of Great Britain, and London will be ours pretty soon, too. I thought it only right to allow you the chance to share in Scotland’s power and glory at this historic moment.

Domhnall XII: Well, that’s very generous of you, I must say. What was it to be, then? More of those lovely gifts you’ve been sendin’ us inexplicably over the last few months?

James IV: Oh, even better than that! You can now have the honour of being our vassals!

Domhnall XII: Vassals is it? And what would that mean, just?

James IV: Well, our armies will of course be able to roam freely through your territory, and you’ll have the privilege of paying us half of your annual income!

Domhnall XII: Well, that sounds just grand, so it does. And what about the benefits?

James IV: Er... those are the benefits.

Domhnall XII: Right. Well, I think I’m gettin’ your drift here, and I think if it’s all the same to you we’ll just forego the privilege for the moment. Sure, but it was grand of you to ask, though.

A few years later, in 1503, James seemed to lose his mind completely and married Margaret Tudor, daughter of the English King Henry VII. Royal physicians were summoned to examine him, but he did not appear to be showing any other signs of One-Year Temporary Insanity, that sad affliction all too common among reigning monarchs. Relations with England reached an all-time high of 0 before they began to slump into negative figures once more.


James marries Margaret Tudor - what was he thinking of?

Two years later, in 1505, James suddenly came to his senses again and, although he remained married to Margaret Tudor, he made up for his inexcusable friendliness towards England by declaring war on his father-in-law, Henry VII. This time the war was short and the ending was sweet. London was besieged in April and the English capital fell the following January. Henry VII quickly accepted James’s generous peace offer: the full annexation of England by Scotland.

James rode back to Edinburgh to be hailed as a national hero. Forgotten now were the feeble achievements of such former worthies as William Wallace and Robert the Bruce. Not only had the Scots conquered the whole of Great Britain, they now inherited maps of parts of the New World, along with a small colony in a place called Bas St-Laurent, and a trading post nearby called Manicouagan. Not only that but they now owned a large and powerful navy.

The other thing that the Scots now had was a Rather Bad Reputation. Over the past century they had fought no less than eight wars with the English, of which four were considered unjustified by the international community. James was beginning to feature in satirical cartoons all over Europe, portrayed as a cruel megalomaniac, greedily gobbling up his neighbours. Which was fairly accurate.


Wars between Scotland and England and provinces gained by Scotland

1424-27 Northumberland
1432-33 Yorkshire
1443-46 Lancashire
1456-58* Lincoln
1473-77* Bristol, Midlands, Wessex
1483-88 -
1493-98* Wales, Cornwall, Kent
1505-06* Anglia, Bas St-Laurent, Manicouagan

* War declared by Scotland without a casus belli



Great Scotland in 1506

The question now facing James IV was what to do next. He had been toying with the idea of somehow annexing Brittany, but France had beaten him to it in 1502. Eire were giving him the cold shoulder, no doubt at least partly because of his rather bad reputation, so bringing that Celtic nation into Greater Scotland by peaceful means seemed at best only a distant dream. The Scottish Army was fully occupied dealing with the English heavy metal bands who had now gone underground but still continued to wreak their havoc, so the only really obvious place to expand was in the New World.


Scotland’s new colony in Bas St-Laurent

During the years 1506-08 colonists were sent over the ocean to build up the new colony and trading post, but then James realized that due to Scotland’s drive towards an innovative, open-minded society, its citizens were not that interested in going forth to distant lands and imposing Scottish culture and religion on hapless natives wherever they might be found (England had of course been an exception to this). Thus the new drive towards narrow-minded Scottish imperialism was begun.

Meanwhile another opportunity for expansion seemed to present itself in 1510. Burgundy, which now consisted solely of the province of Flandern, and had no allies whatsoever, issued a trade embargo against Scottish merchants. A reconnaissance trip revealed that not only did Burgundy have no allies, they also had no army. It seemed too good to be true!

The Scottish Army was loaded aboard Scotland’s recently acquired navy, and shipped over to the Coast of Holland. Scotland declared war in December 1510, whereupon English guerrilla bands in London and Canterbury immediately began assaulting the populace with ruinous heavy metal music. It was also discovered that, though Burgundy had no army they did have a navy, which was even larger and more powerful than Scotland’s and quickly defeated the Scots off the Coast of Holland.

Landing back in Lincoln, the Scottish Army marched south to deal with the English headbangers in London, only to be all but annihilated by them in May 1511. Meanwhile Burgundy had lifted their trade embargo, and James decided to abandon his ambitions of continental conquest for the time being, paying Burgundy 25 ducats for peace in July. The Scottish Army was then hastily rebuilt, to try for a second time to deal with the English headbangers, this time with more success.

In September 1513 King James was out riding at a place called Flodden Edge in the Cheviot Hills of Northumberland, when he was suddenly set upon by an angry mob with the words “Status Quo” embroidered on their denim jackets. James tried to tell them that he was quite fond of the Status Quo himself, but it soon turned out that the Status Quo they were interested in was that which had existed in 1419, that is, when Scotland’s border stopped at Northumberland.

James, the greatest national hero Scotland had ever known, perished under their vengeful blows and his body was never recovered. His son, named James surprisingly enough, was only a babe in arms, so his widow, Margaret Tudor, became Regent and to their utter dismay the Scots found themselves being ruled by an Englishwoman. The name of Flodden would for evermore be remembered by the Scots as a place of utter humiliation.



Painting of the incident at Flodden, done by an Englishman who was under the delusion that it was in fact a major military victory for the English
 
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Farquharson

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Valdemar: Er... Like what? :p

Episode 8: 1513 - 1529
More Regents and What They Did


Despite being English, Margaret had a deep dislike for heavy metal concerts, and she did everything in her power to stamp out the current fashion among the formerly English peasantry for holding these spontaneously anywhere they liked. Glasgow University was meanwhile swamped with candidates for the compulsory cultural re-education course which all former English citizens had to attend.


A typical graduate of the cultural re-education course

Then in 1524, Margaret married the powerful Archibald Douglas, Earl of Angus, the Douglases having always been ready to jump into bed with the English if there was the chance of thus seizing more power in Scotland. The first result of this was however, that the regency passed to James IV’s French-educated cousin, John Stewart, Duke of Albany, since Margaret could only remain regent if she remained a widow. Nevertheless, Margaret and Douglas continued to plot how they might kidnap the young James V and thus regain the regency by force.

Scotland’s attempts to lure the Irish into becoming their vassals were meanwhile proving to be a spectacular failure. In 1513 the Irish had openly welcomed some plotting Scottish nobles, causing a severe rift between the two allies. In 1520 a personal gift from John Stewart to the Irish High King appeared to have mended things considerably, when a few months later the Irish sent a sealed package to the Scottish Regent.


Court attendant, to John Stewart, Regent of Scotland: Sire, a package has just arrived from the High King Conn III Bacach of Eire!

John Stewart: Eh bien, let me see - per’aps zey have decided to send us a geeft een return for our great générosité!

Takes the package and tears off the wrapping. Inside there is a wooden plaque with the words “Diplomatic Insult” beautifully written amid a complex pattern of Celtic knotwork.

John Stewart: Hmm... I wonder what zees could be...

Court Attendant: I think it ought to be taken as a diplomatic insult, Your Highness.

John Stewart: Yes, I fear you are right. Zose eediotic Ireesh are certainly playing ‘ard to get.

Finally, when the Irish-Scottish Alliance expired in 1526, Eire refused Scotland’s invitation to form a new one, but instead the following year joined an alliance with Hannover, Denmark and the Palatinat. It was beginning to look like Eire would have to be brought under Scottish rule by more straightforward methods...

In 1521 the first cohort of narrow-minded Scottish imperialists were ready and were duly sent off to help civilize the natives in Bas St-Laurent. The natives were to be persuaded to wear kilts, eat haggis and play the bagpipes, but for some inexplicable reason the project failed, as did a similar one in 1524. A group of ethno-sociologists at Glasgow University were put onto the problem to find out where things were going wrong.

Meanwhile the regent John Stewart had tired of people making fun of his French accent and returned to France in 1524. James V, now aged 13, tried valiantly to establish himself as reigning monarch, but his efforts were quickly smothered by Archibald Douglas, who now seized control and shut James away in the Usurpation Suite, the rooms in Edinburgh Castle now specially reserved for rightful monarchs being held against their will.



The Usurpation Suite

Then in 1524 a new religious movement suddenly appeared. Inspired by a German priest named Martin Luther who had nailed some theses to a church door in Wittenberg, the people of Scotland began nailing theses, articles, newspapers, discarded theatre flyers, old crisp bags, indeed anything they could lay their hands on, to church doors up and down the country. They were known as Protestants, and they became the dominant religious group in six of Scotland’s fifteen home provinces. Soon church doors in these provinces could scarcely be seen under the avalanche of rubbish that had been nailed to them.

Archibald Douglas responded with a policy of cautious tolerance, but nevertheless in 1528 a group of Protestants in Lincoln went a step too far and invented a new form of musical mayhem, known as Gospel. Choirs of swaying, tambourine-toting revellers rampaged through the villages of Lincolnshire and finally set up a huge open-air Gospel Rally outside the city of Lincoln. In the end the Scottish Army were called in to intervene, but they were driven back by gangs of street evangelists asking them if they were saved. It was not until eight months later that the Rally was finally dispersed.


Meanwhile, the narrow-minded imperialists, who were by now appearing in ever-greater numbers, were beginning to have some success. The research group in Glasgow had discovered the missing ingredient in the Scottish colonial efforts, and in 1525 a ship loaded with kegs of Irn-Bru arrived in Bas St-Laurent. Soon the natives were clamouring to be Scottish, to wear Scottish clothes, eat Scottish food and worship in Scottish churches. The little colony began to flourish at last. Further expeditions in 1526, 1528 and 1529 were all a roaring success.


The Scottish Colonies in the New World

By this time many people had all but forgotten about James V, Scotland’s rightful king, still being held by Archibald Douglas in the Usurpation Suite of Edinburgh Castle. But one day in 1529 he managed to slip past his captors and, disguised as a groom, he escaped to Stirling, where he was met by his mother, Margaret Tudor, now divorced from Douglas.

Having gathered a small army of loyal subjects, he vowed of Douglas that “Scotland shall not hold us both”, and immediately attacked Tantallon Castle where Douglas had fled. Realizing that the young King meant business, Douglas packed his bags and tried to flee to England. Then on remembering that England no longer existed, he changed his mind and went to Eire instead, and James V took the throne. The seventeen year-old king was extremely fortunate to have the support and help of the great Cardinal David Beaton, an outstanding statesman and a champion of Scottish Catholicism in the face of the paper-nailing, tambourine-shaking Protestants.
 
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Director

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Congratulations on your deep-blue Celtic island! And on sustaining an enjoyable AAR.

And, yes, the Irish are difficult to convince. About almost everything, actually. :)

You might try building up your overseas possessions and armed forces - and sending lots of gifts - before you approach them again.

Or, hey, just invade. Works for me! :D
 

Farquharson

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Thanks, Director! Regarding the Irish, I've more or less decided that diplomacy is a waste of time. On top of their stubbornness, I've just had Jean Calvin (in 1544) and virtually all my provinces that weren't already Protestant turned Reformed, so I'll almost certainly be abandoning Catholicism in the near future. That should get the Irish excited! :D

Episode 9: 1529 - 1542
Adventures in the New World


Back in 1523 the clergy had become unhappy at the thought of so many souls in the New World remaining in heathen darkness, untouched by the light of Scottish culture and religion. John Stewart, who was regent at the time, had readily agreed with them. Now in 1530 an uncooperative philosophy professor at Glasgow University dared to suggest that the heathens should be left in peace to develop their own culture and religion. Unfortunately for him, James V’s great passion was colonizing heathen provinces, and the professor was quickly imprisoned, fuelling the colonialist fervour that was now sweeping Scotland.

Now that Queenstown, the colony in Bas St-Laurent, was thriving it was time to establish a proper colony in Manicouagan. Again initial attempts proved unsuccessful, but finally in November 1531 a small settlement gained a foothold, shiploads of Irn-bru began to arrive, and before long Manicouagan was beginning to look distinctly Scottish. This region was less mountainous than Bas St-Laurent, so to make up for this distinctly un-Scottish feature the colony was named “New Highlands”. It was James V who also decided that the official name for these New World colonies as a whole would be “Nova Scotia”.

In 1532 it was time for the small Scottish army in Bas St-Laurent to investigate the region known as Micmac, which at least sounded pretty Scottish. The English had never colonized it and the Scots soon discovered why when they first encoutered the Micmac natives.



The Micmac natives and their invincible navy

Colonel MacIntyre of the Scottish Colonial Army: Greetings in the name of our glorious sovereign, James V. We come in peace, to shower upon you the manifold blessings of being part of Scotland!

THWANGGGGG! An arrow suddenly appears sticking into a tree trunk inches from MacIntyre’s head.

Micmac chief: We didn’t want to be part of England, and we don’t really want to be part of Scotland either. We just want to be Micmac.

Colonel MacIntyre: Ahem... Well that’s very laudable, and of course we have great respect for your dignity and pride, but unfortunately we don’t know of any other regions to colonize right at this moment, so you’ve kind of drawn the short straw, I’m afraid.

THWANGGGGG! A second arrow embeds itself in just the other side of the Colonel’s head.

Micmac chief: Some people can’t take a hint.


The Micmac chief - hey, these guys even look Scottish...

Colonel MacIntyre: Woah! That’s some pretty mean land tech 0 hardware you guys have got. Sergeant MacLean would you care to demonstrate to these gentlemen what an arquebus is.

KERBLAAAAAAMMMMMM! A deafening explosion rips through the forest and the mangled remains of a squirrel fall at the feet of the Micmac chief. There is a moment’s tense silence, while the Micmac chief weighs his options. Then...

Micmac chief: Death to the squirrel-killers! Death to Scotland!

With blood-curdling cries the natives rush upon the Scots, who are thus obligated to defend themselves, in the course of which most of the natives, including their brave but foolish chief, seem to get killed. The rest flee, leaderless, into the depths of the forest.

The following year an attempt was made to set up a trading post in the region, exchanging haggis suppers and Irn-bru for the local fish. The natives turned out not to like either haggis or Irn-bru. The church therefore issued an official statement declaring that these creatures could not possibly be truly human, and when the natives next attacked, the Scots made sure they were butchered to a man (or thing, whatever they actually were).

With the region now uninhabited, the way was clear to establish a proper Scottish settlement there, and this was done in September 1533, being named New Grampians, again to compensate for the sad lack of proper mountains in the area. During the next few years waves of narrow-minded Scottish imperialists flocked to the shores of Nova Scotia, eager to be part of the great Scottish colonial venture. New Grampians, the settlement in Micmac, was declared a full-fledged colony in 1537 while New Highlands in Manicouagan followed a few years later.

Back in the Old World, James V’s main concern was how Eire could be brought into Greater Scotland. Painstaking diplomacy had proved less than successful, so now alternative options were being explored. Such as brute force and wanton violence. Scotland’s reputation for this kind of thing was still distinctly tarnished, however, and James V was determined that a war with Eire should have the broad approval of the international community. He therefore settled down to wait, in the hope that another Diplomatic Insult would arrive, or perhaps a boundary dispute would flare up, for example regarding whether there should be a boundary between Scotland and Eire at all...

Things had reached something of a stalemate in Nova Scotia as well. There were clearly plenty of lands still waiting to be explored and colonized, but nothing seemed to be happening about exploring and colonizing them. Puzzled as to why this should be, James V summoned Colonel MacIntyre back to Edinburgh to question him.


James V: Well Colonel, what news from our glorious colonies of Nova Scotia?

Colonel MacIntyre: Sire, we now have three thriving provinces in the New World, and many natives have been turned into proud Scotsmen. Lang may their sporrans swing and their lums reek!

James V: Yes, yes, quite, but what about all those other regions - why aren’t they being colonized?

Colonel MacIntyre: Er... well, Sire, we cannot colonize them because we... er... don’t know anything about them...

James V: What? Obviously you must have sent scouting missions to find out about them - what news have they brought back?

Colonel MacIntyre: Er... well... you see, Sire... um... we haven’t actually sent any scouting missions, Sire...

James V: WHAT? And how am I going to build the great Scottish Empire like this? What reason can you offer for this inexcusable oversight?

Colonel MacIntyre: Er... the truth is, Sire, we haven’t found anyone... er... brave enough to venture into these regions...

James V: * groan * This gets worse and worse! How can you call yourself a Scot and stand before me uttering such a thing? What are you afraid of, dare I ask?

Colonel MacIntyre: We have heard dreadful rumours, Your Majesty... terrible places called... Theme Parks - they say the worst of all is known as * his voice drops to a whisper * Disneyland! They say that to become ensnared in such places is a fate worse than death.

James V: Enough! I will not listen to another word of this drivel! Find me a man who is willing to brave these perils and I will heap honours and wealth upon him such as no Scot has ever known before! Only get those regions explored - I must have more colonies!

But no man was found, such was the dread that fell upon any at even the mention of such an expedition. James V watched as his dream of a glorious Scottish Empire stretching around the world slipped through his fingers like sand. He became sick at heart, and finally in 1542 he lay on his death bed. His French wife, Marie of Guise, was expecting their first child. At last the news came - he had a daughter. Her name was Mary, and when James died just days after receiving the news, she was proclaimed Queen of Scots, aged one week old.


Well, here’s a rare treat - you get to see more than just Scotland for a change! This is actually in 1544
 
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Hey, hey, hey! Watch what you say about Theme Parks, now! :D

On second thought, you're right about them being pretty scary. One in particular... :p

Never a conquistador when you need one, is there? And if you didn't need one, you'd have three. If any of the surrounding territories are held by one of the Indian nations you can declare war and 'explore' that way... I can't remember if any of the Indian nations stretches up that way or not.

Not a good idea if you're trying to get your BB to go down, however.
 

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Very good progress. You can see the powers beginning to form in this map as well. Austria the great white blob, a unified France, Spain, Poland, and of course mighty Scotland.

I do have two questions. When did Eires capital move from Ulster to Meath? And has Russia formed this early?
 

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Judas M: Thanks - your challenge was issued and the brave man has been found! (But, being a Scot, he was not of course offering to do the job for free... :rolleyes: )

Director: Sorry, but your own esteemed Theme Park was not, of course, being referred to... :) And thanks for the musings about alternative methods of exploration - they may yet come in handy!

Machiavellian: To answer your questions, Eire got an event soon after they took Meath from the English which allowed them to move their capital there. And yes, Russia appeared in 1507.

ladyfabia: Ah, the irony of it! Clearly, after being tortured to death by the English in 1305, William Wallace was reincarnated as a Micmac chief, at just the moment when they were being cruelly oppressed by the Scots. Unfortunately he discovered that his former followers had been victorious not because they were fighting for liberty against their cruel overlords and had Justice on their side, but just because they were Scots fighting the English... :D

Next episode coming up, but let's have it on a new page...
 

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Episode 10: 1542 - 1561
The Luck of the Irish and the Search for Disneyland


Obviously, Mary Queen of Scots was not really able to rule Scotland unaided when she first rose to the throne at the age of one week old. Fortunately her mother, Marie de Guise was a clever and ambitious woman, who was greatly helped also by Cardinal Beaton, Protestant-basher-and-burner extraordinaire.

The main reason that Scotland had not turned Protestant was that it was only in Anglo-Saxon provinces where the new faith had seen any success - clearly it was a Sassenach Religion. But in January 1544 Scotland was swept by a new and radical form of Protestantism, the teachings of a French theologian named Jean Calvin. Calvin taught that nailing things to church doors went nowhere near far enough and wrote a great deal about Institutes. Nobody in Scotland was very sure where these Institutes were, though some thought they were mostly in Geneva.

Of Scotland’s nine remaining Catholic home provinces, no less than seven converted to Calvinism, including all four of the Celtic ones. This was clearly a form of Protestantism more suitable for Scotland. Soon, the whole country was ablaze with the fires of Reformation, although some blamed this on a fire in 1528 which had got out of hand when the Protestant Patrick Hamilton was being burned at the stake in St.Andrews. Cardinal Beaton spent a lot of time trying to douse the flames, without much success.




Beaton’s other main pre-occupation was Eire, and how it might be brought under Scottish control. In 1545 the Irish High King Conn III Bacach sent another of his beatifully ornamented Celtic plaques, which this time was emblazoned with the simple slogan “Scotland stinks”. It looked suspiciously like another Diplomatic Insult, and this time Cardinal Beaton decided to take radical action. Eire would be taught a lesson.

By a lucky coincidence, the Scottish royal marriage with Eire expired that same year, and Beaton began searching around for a suitable alliance to join which might help Scotland’s chances against Eire and their Danish and German allies. The County of Holland currently led an alliance which included Sweden, Norway and a number of minor German states. Personal gifts began flowing acros the North Sea from Edinburgh to Amsterdam, and soon Scotland was welcomed into the alliance.

Then in 1546 Beaton was approached by a young upstart pretender to the Irish throne, expelled by Conn III. Though he clearly had only the flimsiest case in support of his claim, the Cardinal welcomed the young man and lent him what support Scotland could afford. It was all useful ammunition in the preparations for war against Eire.

Later that year Cardinal Beaton encountered something of a setback, when he was assassinated by some over-zealous Calvinists in his castle at St.Andrews. The Cardinal faced this stoically, violent death being regarded as an occupational hazard of ruling Scotland for any length of time. “Fie! Fie!”, he was heard to remark as he was thrown from un upstairs window with multiple stab wounds, “All is gone.”



The ruins of St Andrews Castle, scene of Cardinal Beaton’s spectacular fall from grace

Undaunted by this regrettable incident, however, the Queen Mother appointed the Earl of Arran as regent in his place, as well as putting him in command of the army. Arran’s advisors managed to persuade him not to go to war during a period of temporary insanity, from 1547-48, but in December 1549 he deemed that the moment had come and, with the Scottish Fleet and Army poised in Bantry Bay off the coast of Munster, war was declared.

Unfortunately, all of Scotland’s allies deserted her apart from the County of Holland. This was probably due to the fact that they all hated Scotland and no longer really wanted to be in the alliance now that the Scots had joined it. On the other hand, all of Eire’s allies abandoned them too, except for Denmark, so that evened things out a bit.

Arran landed in Munster and Cork was besieged in January 1550. The following month the Danes landed in Scotland and began systematically pillaging the whole country until the Scots paid them the princely sum of 36 ducats in August, and they all went home. Meanwhile the Irish were being beaten on land and sea and in December the town of Cork fell into Scottish hands.

The victorious, though somewhat depleted, Scottish Army then marched on to Wexford in Leinster, and set up a siege there. At this point some Irish ships managed to slip past the Scots and landed a small pillaging force in Lancashire. After several more Scottish victories, in April 1551 the High King Conn III reluctantly agreed to hand over Munster to the Scots. Arran had fulfilled his objective of establishing a foothold in Eire. The rest of the island would now be easier to conquer.



A post-war map of the British Isles

In 1554 Marie de Guise took over the regency herself. This was not a popular move, since she was clearly French, not Scottish, a fervent Catholic, unlike most of the people of Scotland, and a woman. Consequently the realm was troubled by revolts for a couple of years, until the Scots realized that she wasn’t doing any worse a job than Beaton or Arran.

Meanwhile a very important event happened in Edinburgh in July 1555. A young Highlander was brought before the Queen Mother and announced simply as Hamish of Inverness.


Marie de Guise: Ah, Monsieur er... Inverness, eet eez always a delight to welcome subjects from ze far barbaric corners of our glorious realm.

Inverness: Ocht but it’s nae sae barabaric as aw that, Yur Majesty. Some folks are actually livin’ in hooses up there these days, ye ken?

Marie de Guise: ‘Ow wonderful for zem. I must remember not to bozzer wiz any state veezeets to zose regions for ze moment. And ‘ow can I ‘elp you, monsieur?

Inverness: Ocht, well, ah heard but there was a wee spot o’ difficulty over the watter there in Nova Scotia, Yur Majesty. I heard but ye couldnae find naebody tae explore the uncharted regions, ken?

Marie de Guise: Zat eez quite correct, monsieur. Apparently ze Scots are not so fearless as zey are made out to be.

Inverness: Ocht wit a load o’ blethers, Yur Majesty. There’s one Scot at least who’s nae feart tae go.

Marie de Guise: And ‘oo eez zees man?

Inverness: It’s masel’ Yur Majesty. Hamish of Inverness. Ah’ll go an’ explore onywhere ye like!

Marie de Guise: But - oh zat eez wonderful news! When can you begeen, monsieur?

Inverness: Weel, jist as soon as we’ve settled the question of payment, ye ken?

Marie de Guise: Ah, mon Dieu, zeez Scots! What do you mean, payment?

Inverness: Weel, ah thocht aboot 75 ducats wid cover it, just.

Marie de Guise: Seventy-five... but, monsieur, zat eez a fortune!

She opens the Royal Handbag and rummages in the Royal Purse.

Marie de Guise: Regarde, monsieur! We ‘ave only 45 ducats in ze entire Royal Treasury! Would zat be suffeecient?

Inverness: Oh, ah dinnae think so, Yur Majesty. It’s just a wee thing short of what I was expecting, ye ken?

Marie de Guise: You drive a ‘ard bargain, monsieur! But for ze glory of Scotland I will find you what you ask for. And now, adieu, monsieur! May God go wiz you!

So the Queen Mother quickly took a bank loan and the young Highlander was paid his 75 ducats. On St.Andrew's Day, 30th November 1555, the intrepid Inverness set sail from Plymouth in a small fleet and accompanied by a small force of cavalry, to explore the New World.

During the next few years Inverness led a number of intrepid expeditions, mapping out great swathes of North America. He began by exploring the St.Lawrence river, mapping a land connection between Manicouagan and the other Scottish colonies. He then explored east from Bas St-Laurent, discovering a French colony in a region called Acadie. Next he penetrated north as far as another French colony, called Nain, after which he explored the islands in the area. His final expedition, begun in 1560, was by far the longest and took him far to the southwest of the Scottish colonies. He discovered no other Europeans, but he did make contact with several major native civilizations. To his great disappointment, but much to the relief of his men, Inverness completely failed to discover any theme parks in the New World.




Unfortunately, the Scottish treasury was not yet able to fund any actual colonization efforts, due to reinforcement of the army to deal with Protestant and Calvinist revolts, repayment of the loan taken in 1555, and food subsidies during a famine in 1560.

Meanwhile, the Calvinists were becoming more and more troublesome. A group known as the Lords of the Congregation drew up what they called the “First Covenant” in 1557 which called for Scotland to change its religion to Reformed. In 1560, following the death of Marie de Guise, the Lords began to systematically outlaw Catholicism, and in January 1561 Scotland was officially declared to have embraced the Reformed religion. Ties with the few European countries still friendly to Scotland were immediately broken and Catholics and Protestants throughout the realm were thrown into uproar. Would the fragile fabric of the nation survive the strife-torn years ahead?
 
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unmerged(15337)

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I can just imagine an Englishman listening in on the conversation between Marie and Inverness, wondering what happened to his beloved language and what planet he got teleported to by mistake.

Do you really have to pay for your conquistadors? Is that a feature of the EEP?

What goals for Europe do you have now, other than a presumed total conquest of Ireland?

Nice to see Nova Scotia genuinely in the hands of the Scots. :)
 

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jwolf: Sorry if the dialogues are getting a bit incomprehensible! I'm trying not to use too many dialect words, but I enjoy mangling the grammar and spelling :D.

I was a bit surprised at the "Get a conquistador if you pay 75 ducats" event - I think it must be an EEP innovation. My second conquistador came for free, however, so the conquistador-for-ducats event is an addition not a replacement. Anyway, both were VERY welcome :) !

I don't have big plans for invading Europe in the foreseeable future. As you'll see from the next episode, North America is remarkably uncolonized (now why should that be? :D ) so my main aim at the moment is to remedy that.

King Yngvar: Hi! Thanks for your comment. Eire I certainly want to conquer, but I'll have to wait till they're a little more unprotected - see below!

Episode 11: 1561 - 1583
Calvinism Rules OK!


In April 1558 the fifteen year old Mary Queen of Scots had been married to the Dauphin, who succeeded to the throne of France the following year as François I. The French king’s reign only lasted till his death in December 1560, and Mary returned to Scotland in 1561. There the fun-loving Queen set about enjoying herself in the new-look austerely Calvinist realm. It was a tough challenge but Mary seemed up to it.

The Calvinists had outlawed not only rock festivals, heavy metal concerts and gospel rallies, but any kind of music at all apart from psalm-singing, and the army was hard put to stamp out all the unauthorized activities that were taking place up and down the country. What the Queen was getting up to behind the walls of Holyrood House in Edinburgh was anybody’s guess.



Mary Queen of Scots pretending to be an austere Calvinist

Far away from these troubles, however, on the other side of the Atlantic, the intrepid explorer Hamish of Inverness was still going strong. He became the first European to set eyes on the Great Lakes, and he managed to explore as far south as a region which he named the Everglades. He made contact with the large Huron and Creek tribes, and discovered countless small local tribes.

And then, on a fateful day in July 1567, while marching his intrepid band into a region which the natives called Alabama, Inverness died of a fever. When news of his death reached the shores of his homeland several months later, the whole nation went into mourning - for this fearless, heroic Highlander had opened up a vast area for Scottish colonization.

In 1562 Mary stupidly decided to enter a military alliance with France, who were currently at war with the Protestant Huguenots. Needless to say , this did not improve the mood of the Scots, and it was a relief to all when France made peace with their enemies the following year. Then in 1565 some Scottish merchants were harassed by the Irish, and it looked like war with Eire might be possible once more.



An Irishman harasses some Scottish merchants

Mary, still a staunch Catholic, was reluctant to embark on this, but fortunately events overtook her. In 1567 she married James Hepburn, Earl of Bothwell just weeks after the death of her previous husband, Henry Lord Darnley in slightly suspicious circumstances (he was found strangled amid the ruins of his house which had been blown up). Bothwell was a Protestant, but widely considered to be a slimy git, and probably Darnley’s murderer, and Scotland’s Calvinist nobles, who of course had never really wanted to be ruled by a Catholic Queen, found enough grounds in these events to call for Mary’s abdication.

For a year, Mary tried in vain to hold onto power, but in 1568 she finally fled to France and the Scots heaved a sigh of relief. The Scottish crown now passed to Mary’s son, a one year old infant whose name was James surprisingly enough, and things seemed to have returned to normality for the troubled nation. Scotland was once more ruled by a succession of regents, who all naturally succumbed to violent deaths, as had become traditional for this office.

Then in March 1570, when the Scottish merchants’ complaint against the Irish had been all but forgotten, the issue was dredged up again by the then regent, James Earl of Morton, and used as an excuse for war. France and all her allies deserted Scotland, and they faced the Irish and their Danish allies alone.

By June the Scottish Army had crossed the Irish Sea and laid siege to Dublin, while the Irish had besieged Cork and the Danes had besieged London. Danish troops also rampaged up and down the country, pillaging everywhere, while an army of Scots cavalry were being raised in Edinburgh to try to contain them. Dublin fell to the Scots in February 1571, but the same month London fell to the Danes. The Scottish Army then dealt with the Irish Army in Munster before going on to besiege Wexford.



Danes rampaging through the Scottish mainland - it certainly wasn't psalms they were singing...

Wexford fell in April 1572, but not before the victorious Danes had captured Canterbury and Lincoln. The Irish and Danes sent repeated peace offers demanding that one or more provinces be surrendered to Denmark, but Morton adamantly refused. Finally in October 1572, with Galway under siege by the Scots, the Irish sent one last embassy.

Irish Embassy to the Regent James, Earl of Morton: Well, hello there! It’s me again, sir - Patrick O’Reilly, embassy from His Excellency the High King Toirdhealbhach Luineach of Eire.

James Earl of Morton: Listen you maggot-brained Irishman, for the last time I don’t want any more of these ridiculous peace proposals from you and your High King-with-the-unpronounceable-name. We’re not giving Denmark an inch of Scottish territory! Now, get out of my sight!

Irish Embassy: And would that be the High King Toirdhealbhach Luineach you’d be referring to sir? Because I think you’ll find with a bit o’ practice it’s quite easy to pronounce...

Morton: GET OUT!

Irish Embassy: All right, all right, keep your hair on, mister. I’m just leaving. And I’ll tell the High King Toirdhealbhach Luineach that you refused his offer.

Morton: Wait - what did you say?

Irish Embassy: If you listened properly the first time there’d be no need, you know. I said, I’ll tell the High King that you refused his offer.

Morton: What do you mean “offer”? You mean the High King is offering something?

Irish Embassy: Well, it’s not a lot, just a wee sack of ducats that he had lying about - really, you’d likely not be interested in it right enough...

Morton: Ducats? The High King is offering some ducats?

Irish Embassy: Two hundred ducats, sir, but like you say, I’ll just be on my way and tell him you’re not interested...

Morton: No, no! Er... well, of course, we are open to the possibility of a peace settlement. Two hundred ducats, you say?

Irish Embassy: I know it’s not much, but...

Morton: No, no! I mean, yes, it isn’t much, but I may just find it in my heart to accept, out of our great magnanimity and kindness. Er... this would mean the end of all hostilities?

Irish Embassy: Sure, of course, sir.

Morton: Including the Danish occupation of our provinces?

Irish Embassy: Danish occupation... Er, what’s that you’re talking about, now?

Morton: Oh, no, nothing, nothing! Here, give me that!

He grabs the bag of gold coins from the embassy.

Morton: Tell His Excellency the High King Torlybag Loonie that we accept his only-just-adequate offer.

And so the war ended and the disgruntled Danes had to hand back the three provinces they had captured and sail home. Morton had learned one lesson from the war at least - although Scotland could win a war against Eire alone easily enough, they could not single-handedly take on the Irish and Danes together and hope to conquer the remaining Irish provinces.

Morton therefore turned his attention to the New World once more. A new settlement had been founded in Bangor in 1569, but due to the war it was not until 1573 that the colonization programme could be resumed. By 1582 new settlements had been established in Gaspésie, Stadacone and Saguenay, and the settlement of New Lothian in Bangor had grown to become a proper colony. Meanwhile another fearless explorer, a man named MacTavish, had come forward and succeeded in exploring even more regions, as well as establishing contact with the native tribes of Iroquois and Shawnee.




Meanwhile the young James VI was growing up. Suspecting that he might at any moment have the cheek to make a bid for power, in 1582 some nobles indulged in that great Scottish tradition of kidnapping the young monarch, and imprisoning him in Ruthven Castle. James was an agile teenager, however, and the following year in June 1583, James escaped and managed to get to St.Andrews, where the seventeen year old duly proclaimed himself King of Scotland.
 
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unmerged(15337)

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Maybe it's time for you to build up your fleet? I presume you don't want Denmark pulling that stunt again?

Nice update. I loved the account of the Scot-Irish negotiations.

You'll probably get some French competition in North America before long. Do you plan to do anything about it?
 

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Those danes certainly seem dangerous. Perhaps an alliance with Sweden may keep them in check?
 

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A great update! Those Danes can be a pain. Get some allies and build a navy! Scotland rules the waves!
 

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What happened? No updates? You must have been really busy! Well hopefully you will not choose to abandon this AAR.
 

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jwolf: Denmark had a different stunt the next time - see below! :eek:

Also, the French are out of it for the moment as far as North American colonization goes - for explanantion see screenie at the end of this episode :) More of a threat now are the Netherlands.

Valdemar, Machiavellian, Semi-Lobster: I took a different approach to the Danes - as did the Irish, for that matter... :D

I do have a pretty big navy, but as you say, Machiavellian, a bit behind tech-wise :(

Anyway, this was a long episode, hence why I had to go to page two to find my AAR this time :eek: . Hopefully worth the wait...

Episode 12: 1583 - 1625
Scotland - the King James Version


There was widespread despondency among the Scots that their new king was “just another James”, and the people settled down to wait for him to die a violent death after a few years, leaving yet another kidnappable infant on the throne. James VI surprised everyone, however, by reigning for an unprecented forty-two years, a period of growth and prosperity which was also largely peaceful. He was not a Calvinist, but a Protestant, so though this created a certain tension he was a lot more popular than his mother Mary.


James VI scoffs at the idea of dying a violent death

James’ reign kicked off in 1583 with an exceptional year for the Scottish economy, and the young king immediately set about expanding the Scottish presence in Nova Scotia. Two new colonies were founded during the early years of his reign, in Penobscot (which obviously rightly belonged to Scotland) and Megantic.

In 1587 James went to the trouble of pandering to the feelings of his Anglo-saxon subjects by pointing out that, owing to his Tudor blood, he would now be rightful heir to the English throne as well as the Scottish. Although most true Scots regarded this as rather a wimpish thing to do, it did boost his popularity in the southern provinces. Meanwhile the people of Wales, anxious to remind everyone that they were not Anglo-saxon, decided to convert to Calvinism, which was now regarded as the Right Religion for Real Celts.

This of course called into question whether the Irish were Real Celts, since they were still clinging stubbornly to the Religion of Rome. In 1590 when the High King Toirdhealbhach Luineach foolishly dishonoured his alliance with France, Denmark and Hannover over a war with Cologne, James decided that it might soon be time to bring some more of Eire under Scottish rule in the traditionally Celtic fashion - that is, by bloody and unjustified conquest.



Traditional Celtic diplomacy

In 1592 the Scottish Army under the capable leadership of General Malcolm massed on the border between Munster and Leinster, and in July when the Irish High King complained about being “menaced” Malcolm stopped menacing him and began a straightforward invasion. The Irish quickly scrambled to mobilize their allies only to discover that they had abandoned them two years earlier and no longer had any. By August the main Irish Army had been wiped out.

The course of the rest of the war was fairly straightforward. Wexford fell to the Scots in February 1593, quickly followed by Dublin in July. The siege of Galway lasted rather longer, and the town was not captured until June 1594. Meanwhile the citizens of the mainland were beginning to question James VI’s right to run roughshod over his Celtic neighbour without just cause, the few remaining Scottish Catholics being particularly irate. Various loud musical events began to appear spontaneously around the Scottish countryside.

The last Irish province, Ulster, was invaded in July 1594 and the city of Belfast surrendered the following May, shortly after Malcolm had been killed by a lucky arrow shot from the city ramparts. How it managed to fly so far with a horseshoe, a rabbit’s foot and a four-leafed clover tied to it nobody could understand, but since it struck Malcolm at a tiny unmended hole in his chainmail just over his heart he died instantly.

James VI now demanded that Leinster, Connaught and Ulster be handed over to the Scots, arguing that, had they being playing version 1.05, these provinces would have rightfully belonged to Scotland anyway. High King Toirdhealbhach Luineach didn’t know what James was talking about, but since he no longer controlled any territory he didn’t have a leg to stand on and duly handed the provinces over.

It was now time for the victorious Scottish Army, minus their late lamented leader, to sail back to the mainland and help the Reserve Army deal with the illicit festivals that were now getting somewhat out of hand. It was not until 1598 that the last of these had finally been cleared up and the chaste piety of Calvinism was once more allowed to rule unhindered throughout the leafy Scottish countryside.

In 1597 an event of some note took place, when a herald from the French Catholics arrived in Edinburgh:


Herald from the French Catholics: Your Excellency Keeng James, I ‘ave come to breeng news from our glorious sovereign Henri I, ruler of ze French Catholiques.

James VI: The French Catholics? You mean France?

Herald: No, no, my Lord, ze French Catholiques - we are completely deefferent from France.

James VI: Er... different in what way, exactly?

Herald: Well, ze French are Catholique, while we French Catholiques are not - at least we deedn’t used to be.

James VI: Um - I see... And now?

Herald: Zat is ze purpose of my coming - I ‘ave to inform you zat ze French Catholiques are now in fact Catholique.



James VI: So now you have rejoined France, since you are all now French Catholics, right?

Herald: Alas no, ze French are not French Catholiques. Even ze Catholiques among zem.

James VI: I thought they were all Catholics.

Herald: Ah, no! Zat eez ‘ow we are deefferent from zem. Some of zem are Protestants, but we French Catholiques, we are all Catholiques. Zat is why we decided to become Catholique.

James VI: Right. Well, I think we can sum up Scotland’s reaction to this stunning news in a few short words.

Scribbles something on a sheet of parchment and hands it to the Herald.

James VI: Perhaps you would be so kind as to deliver this message to Henri I, with my best wishes.

Herald (reading the message): Er... right. Your best weeshes... His Excellency weell be most touched I am sure...

Once James had paid off his war debts it was time to get back to the Scottish colonization of Nova Scotia. Narrow-mindedness had by now become a really cool thing in Scotland and there was no lack of volunteers to sail over the Atlantic and claim these virgin territories for Scotland and for Calvinism. Between 1602 and 1616 no fewer than nine trading posts were established, as well as a new settlement in Delaware, while the settlements in Penobscot and Megantic were expanded.


European rivals in North America: France have two colonies, Netherlands have three

And it came to pass in the twenty-first year of his reign, that King James spake unto his advisors, saying: “Verily, I have purposed that I shall commission a great work, and that work shall be a translation of the Holy Scriptures into the tongue spoken by the common man, and thus shall my name be remembered for generations to come, for that work shall be named ‘The King James Version’.”

And the advisors of King James spake unto the King, saying, “In truth, Your Majesty, that work shall indeed be great, and it shall be glorifying to God, but wheretofore sayest thou, ‘Thus shall my name be remembered for generations to come’? Dost thou really think that the generations to come shall ever speak in this strange tongue? Shall they not have their own fashion of speech?” And the King replied unto them saying, “Shucks, I guess you’re right.”

Of course Scottish Catholics were appalled at this sacrilegious undertaking, since it was well known that the Bible should only be read in Latin. James decided the best thing to do with his Catholic subjects was to turn them into Calvinists. In 1607 the people of Ulster were persuaded to do just that by the simple but effective plan of sending lots of Calvinist nobles to the province and giving them lands there. Soon Calvinism became all the rage.



A typical Ulsterman getting into the Calvinist rage

Meanwhile James VI was looking around for allies. Most other European nations still hated the Scots for being narrow-minded Calvinists, but one or two had embraced narrow-minded Calvinism themselves and were more friendly. One of these was the Netherlands just across the North Sea. The Dutch had also found that most Europeans hated them, and in 1608 James VI managed to form an alliance between the two nations. Ten years later he noticed that Denmark also seemed rather short on friends and persuaded them to join his alliance too.

However, the Danes turned out to be trouble for the Alliance. Almost immediately Sweden declared war on them, and they called on the Scots and the Dutch to come to their aid. Grudgingly, James joined the war, as did the Dutch King Maurice of Nassau. The Scots did no actual fighting, however, the Army staying right where it was, which was just as well since it didn’t take long for the excitable non-Calvinists of Scotland to start complaining about this war too.

By 1623 the situation was becoming critical, but the Swedes would not accept peace until at last in November they agreed to a peace deal whereby the Scots paid them 125 ducats. It was a humiliating defeat considering the Scots had been completely uninvolved in the war. The following month Denmark agreed to cede Trøndelag and Gotland to Sweden.

By this time James was getting old. For some reason he had managed to survive as a King of Scotland to the ripe old age of 57 without meeting violent death of any kind. More astonishing still, when he finally died of old age in 1625 his son was 25 years old, too old to be kidnapped by nobles and quite capable of ruling Scotland immediately - and his name was not even James. Scotland had a new King - Charles I.



Europe in 1625. France has been experiencing some difficulties - the blue are the French, who are Catholics, while the yellowish-brown are the French Catholics, who are also Catholics (now) and the green are the Huguenots who are Reformed, as are Navarra. Zeeland, the blue blob in the middle of the Netherlands, is Swedish.
 
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