- May 24, 2012
Cheerio good chaps,
Isn’t this a smashing turn of events? My good colleague and friend, Dr. Krochanski, has recently fallen ill. He has the sickness of traveler's laugh, a horrendous affliction where university paid mafia thugs force you into taxicabs into the middle of the night, lob you into one of those giant metallic birds and fly you off to God forsaken and uncivilized countries. What I mean to say by "traveler's laugh" is that he's laughing at us.Well anyway, due to this happening where he goes off to drink European wine whilst I whine here, he has asked the fool, also known as moi, who has been left behind to write an entry for this marvelous little paper. Well, being a PhD. in geometry I was a little wary at first, the borders of kings and khans never looking like those of a proper kite or a cube! All that mish-mash about, you see? Well, I was thinking to decline at first, but the fact that it was a story about some eastern thing caught my attention. I have a particular fetish for the east, you see, as a child I’d dressed up like some dastardly warlord from a movie like “Terror from the East” or “Romanov the Impaler”, and have a go at the other chappies by swinging my wooden rod at them. I hoped that the emotions of this exhilarating act in which I’d clobber the rascals would come back to me. And besides, you learn a lot from reading history such as which king killed which king, or which witch killed the witch-king, or even the number of ladies Genghis Khan…
Well anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. How about I just present the story to you, perhaps in proper fashion and who knows? Well, here’s the story of Qasim’s Band in the Early days of…
A Shattered Europe
You know those days where you get a runny nose? Well imagine a really bad runny nose and I mean really bad with mucus, pus, blood, all gushing out of that orifice! Well, then I’m sure you imagined the next step, you know the one after you're writhing on the floor in agony for the last two hours, that one! The one where you’ve left this mortal coil.
You know? You’ve kicked the bucket, you’ve unceremoniously jumped off the corporate ladder into a highway full of blind NASCAR drivers, you’re gone, kaput, deceased, expired!
Well, imagine that, but multiply that by seven. Sod that! Multiply it by six.
Can you see it now? Thousands and thousands of people were liquidated. And i don’t mean the kind of liquidation women look over at that boutique and go crazy over. I mean the kicking the bucket kind, a sort of party of the grave.
I really hope you’re catching these euphemisms, they’re so tiring to write. Do you know what’s also tiring! Living in 1399, living in the cesspits you called home when your only possessions consisted of a mud hut and a three legged cow. Here’s a passage from one of Mr. Krochanski’s works
“Europe at that point was mostly devoid of human life. Those who had survived the onslaught of disease holed themselves up in their homes. Most humans lived many miles for fear of contagion that had ravaged Christendom during the early 14th century. In fact many scholars agree that only the modern wars of this century have come to take more of a toll in human life then of that (runny nose) disease. It was not until the later part of that century that man was no longer fearful of the proximity man and thus began the rebuilding of the old European empires, albeit under different management.”
Thomas Krochanski, A History of the New Europe
I hope you like my little runny nose addition there, I think its proper given our previous academic thought experiment. If only scholars would agree to call it that. Now wouldn’t that be smashing!
Disease, pestilence, violence, war! It’s a wonder man has survived at all! The horrors of the runny nose disease had shattered the European folk. Nations crumbled like stacks of frozen potatoes unceremoniously shattered by a rocket launcher, strafed by seven fighter-bombers, then driven over by a legion of twenty-six tanks for good measure. Luckily the crumbs would survive and they would plant on the ground to become great seeds for future use.
One such potato seed crumb, though their growth was questionable for many reasons, was Qasim’s Band. I’m sure you’d like to know about them, but you’ll have to buy the next issue. Mwahahaha.