1440 – 1450: Or how the Swiss learned that everything isn’t money.
At the beginning of 1440, the Swiss had a nice healthy treasury of 310.179 ducats (The 9 is added and not rounded up as they saw a future for gas stations). Anyways, the Swiss had been sitting on their fat money bums eating the power of cheese for the last 30 years. While this gained them money (and pounds), it gained them nothing else and the Swiss were content. They thought that no one would literally want mountains of cash, so they took another bite of cheese and started to yodel for their Heidi. A picture a Swiss mother took of her disturbed son (behind goat).
This was happening all over the country and no one cared…except one guy, but he was ignored. His name was Heidi Undress. He was, in fact, a guy, little did his parents know until the 7th grade when he confessed he liked a girl. (His name may be why no one listened to him). Nevertheless he was a Swiss diplomat and he was tired of seeing all the Swiss being lazy, so he came up with a plan. The plan stated that the next country to be weakened in a war that was nearby Switzerland, Heidi would declare war on that country. Well eight years went by with nothing happening, and Heidi didn’t want another decade of Swiss laziness so he made a desperate decision. Milan appeared to be in the weakest with an army of 3,000 compared to the humungous 4,000 elite moneymaking Swiss. Heidi then quietly declared war and convinced the rulers to march the army into Milan. Taken by surprise, the Swiss army marched off in a cheese stupor.
Alongside the Swiss, randomly came Ansbach and Mantua, apparently they didn’t like the Milanese. It didn’t matter to the Swiss as they were all BOB’s (Born Oftentimes/Overly Broke). Not like it mattered having an extra 3,000 to combat the Milanese. After the Swiss army finally left the mountains for the first time, they encountered their first battle ever versus the Milanese at Parma. The battle would be epic with both sides fielding 1,000 men. However, the weather was terrible so the cheese started to grow mold, and 125 men were killed. The battle ended up being cancelled, and the Swiss declared they were winner as they had made the cheese.
The Swiss were so proud of their ‘victory’ that decided to take classes in womanizing offered by Milanese soldiers, as their Heidi’s had sent them to war with one order, to bring her back some souvenirs. Other countries joked that the Swiss Army motto should be, “Money before Heidi, Heidi before Country, and Country before nothing.” This ‘break in the action’ allowed for thousands upon thousands of Milanese men to be raised to combat the invading Swiss, Ansbachs, and Mantuan. If only the Swiss had been more observant while they were looking some place else. After two months of womanizing the Swiss were cut like a hot knife through cheese.
I think it is time to leave now
Never before had a Swissman run so fast with delicate cheese and money in hand. They sprinted towards the safety of their money back home. In order to please Milanese army and to get more time to prepare, the Swiss sacrificed Ansbach’s and Mantua’s army, letting Milan have their way with them. The Swiss would use every minute given to them by the sacrifice in order to build up a money wall. It took months of hard money laboring but by the end they had their “Moneynot Line” stretching the entire Switzerland and Milan border.
As viewed from space.
As viewed from 10 inches.
There was one slight downside to such a defensive posture. The only way that the Moneynot Line was able to be completed was with the time the Milanese spent besieging the capital of Mantua. So when one wall went up, another wall went down and the Mantuan’s were annexed. Ansbach wisely retreated leaving the Swiss alone to face 14,000 men. Too bad the Swiss were ignorant enough to show their Heidi’s the womanizing skill that the Italians had taught them. They would be shaking in their money boots if they knew how large an army sat outside their money wall.
Amazingly, once the Milanese saw the Swiss feat they promptly left. No sense in messing with “God’s Money”. Diplomat Heidi was the only one who breathed a sigh of relief, as everyone else, seemingly, was busy.