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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Major_Rawne

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The Rise of the Phoenix

Hello brave voyagers through the stormy seas of AAR's, and welcome to my first attempt at any kind of fanfiction. I have to acknowledge the debt I owe to all of those writAARs whose works have given me inspiration, if I see any of you in the audience, I may be persuaded to build in cameos, references etc.
By the way, if you see any ideas or themes that look familiar, it just means I have shamelessly nicked them, hope you dont mind too much. :rolleyes:
Anyway, on with the show.

Game: Victoria
Mods: Nope
Scenario: Grand Campaign
Country: Greece.

The Phoenix from the ashes.
Or, my Big fat Greek Weeding.


Prologue:
Athens was not the most jolly, happy city in the whole wide world. This was hardly surprising, as the whole of the Greek government had been wiped out by a freak explosion in the King’s palace. This explosion had mysteriously missed all of the servants, courtiers and assembled peasants, and the only casualties had been those Greek statesmen who were important enough to merit a place in the history books.
This terrible accident meant that the new King of Greece, and ruler of all he surveyed was the little known distant descendant of the last Emperor of Byzantium, who, until last week, had been a turnip farmer in Yorkshire, England. His name was Alexander Yatalos, and he was not a happy bunny.

Chapter I, El Greco:

1836 dawned, and Alexander did not like the look of it one bit. Just last week, he had been a happy (poor, but still happy) turnip farmer in England, preparing to come up with another excuse for his landlord as to why he could not pay the rent on the village horse; and now he found himself the king of a country that had only existed for a few years, and he already hated.
The first thing Alex did was to call his financial minister, Yuri Pennilos.

King Alex: So, Pennilos, what is the current state of my nation’s finances?

Pennilos: Well, your majesty, in a word, you haven’t got any.

KA: WHAT???

Pennilos: Don’t shout like that your angriness, I am after all, an old man.
To cut a long story short, Greece is a very poor country, and our monetary reserves are never that robust. The recent flood of state funerals has left us, not only with no stable income, but we don’t even have the cash to keep the government running from day to day.

KA: So tell me Pennilos, (can I call you Penny by the way?) How are we actually keeping the country itself going?

Penny: Well, oh financially destitute one, the world bank is currently drafting us daily loans to maintain the land.

KA: Ah, so that explains the big burly men touring the palace carting away anything valuable.

Penny: ‘Fraid so, oh monetarily disadvantaged one.

KA: Right, let’s do something about that. What about the grubby commoners in rags loitering around here, can we sell some of them? And by the way, you can knock it off with that “oh accountingly impaired one” stuff, before I knock you off, comprendi?

Penny: I am afraid to tell you that slavery is frowned upon as a means of liquidating assets in Europe, the best that you can do is to screw the local goat herders out of what little money they have by way of taxation.

At that moment, a tall, hairy man staggered into the audience chamber, obviously drunk, ranting about the Rhine in springtime.

KA: Who is this unpleasant man, Penny, have him dragged kicking and screaming from here immediately.

Penny: I would oh perpetually irritable one, but he is wearing the official sash of a court ambassador. Perhaps we should hear what he has to say.

KA: Very well, let him approach.

Ambassador: Danke you ferry much, your mangistty, Ich bin zee ambassador fur zer glorious ruler of zer mighty state of Nassau. We are much pleazeed to be of the offering of alliance to your faraway rulership.

KA: As pleased as I am to hear that, I must confess to being confused as to where the hell Nassau actually is. I take it from your ridiculous comedy stereotype accent that you are from Germany, but I need to check my European atlas to find this country you mention.

Several hours of fruitless searching of the “Big book of places to invade.” 1815 edition (the Greeks were on a budget after all) later, the state of Nassau is finally located.

Penny: Here we are oh geographically mislocated one, Nassau, it was hidden in the fold of the page.

KA: But that nation is even more tiny, ridiculously poor and insignificant than us!

Ambassador: Ya, that is zee reason why vee are vanting alliance viz your country mighty Koenig, mein Koenig is terrified zat you are about to launch invasion of Nassau.

KA: But the Greek army is comprised of half a dozen yokels with pointed sticks. I couldn’t persuade them to invade my bathroom!

Ambassador: Aaagh, I have dizcovered ze zecret vepons of zer Greek army, please, oh terribly powerful one, do not smite us viz your sticks!

KA: Get up, you pathetic man. As Nassau obviously is a tiny, weak, insignificant country with no money, I see no reason why I shouldn’t ally with you. (Besides, I need to feel superior to someone)

After the departure of the Nassau ambassador, not much happened for a while in the Greek court. The king desperately tried to improve the finance situation, and the ambassador to Egypt announced that the Egyptians had, for some reason dramatically improved their relationship with Greece.
 

stnylan

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A very amusing start. I do like all the titles that the ex-turnip farmer gets called.
 

Major_Rawne

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Chapter 2

Well, thanks for responding guys, its nice to hear such supportive words, keep it up! :D

Fiftypence: I'm thinking of using the name for some Bond-esque jokes (have we any money penny?) I'm just using 1.0, as I recently had to reinstall the game.

stnylan: Yup, and there will be more insults in store for him, trust me.

Anyway, here is the next update, it might be the last for a while, as I have to write up my notes up to 1843!
Enjoy!

Chapter 2- The wages of sin (payable in Vodka):


The next important event at the court of Alexander I was the arrival of a smelly, drunken man wearing an ambassadorial sash.

KA: Oh, it’s you again, which insignificant German province wants to ally with me now?

Ambassador: Pardon, (hic) Dmitri is not sure whash you are refferin’ to, Hei ham Ambashador from honoronable Tsar of Rushia. (hic)

KA: I’m sorry; you don’t have a cousin from Nassau by any chance do you?

Dmitri: Whut?

KA: Never mind, what did you actually come to see me about?

Dmitri: The Sharrr of Rushia ish offering the Kingdomom of Greesh opportunity of lifetime, to be having Alliansh with Rushia.

KA: Let me think about that for a second, Russia is one of the largest nations in the world, and has enough military power to utterly trash the Ottomans, who keep trying to reclaim Greece. Seeing as how this is the only halfway decent thing that has happened to me since I came to this miserable place, I think I’d better accept.

Which he did.
Shortly after that exchange, the king’s military advisor, Pointero Stixos, (Pointy to his friends) ran into the room.

Pointy: Your majesty, our military scientists have declared that they have devised the Clausewizian theory!

KA: And that means…?

Pointy: Well, I don’t actually know for sure, but I think it has something to do with which end of the pointed sticks we prod the enemy with.

KA: Give me strength.

The following month, King Alexander decided that as he had now been king of Greece for half a year, he really should appoint some advisors.
Alex reckoned that, as the Russians were the only major nation that had been in any way civilised towards him, his government would be formed from the Russian faction of the Greek political nation. To celebrate, he invited the entire staff of the Russian embassy to an official diplomatic function, forgetting that as the Russian embassy staff consisted of Dmitri and his drinking buddies, the function became little more than an excuse for massive abuse of the customs tariff exemptions that had allowed Dmitri to import huge quantities of vodka.
The following morning, Alexander prayed he hadn’t made a colossal mistake in appointing the Russians as his government.
 

stnylan

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Let the vodka run free!
 

unmerged(47162)

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may the rivers run with vodka! :D ahh them crazy drunk russians...:)
 

Fiftypence

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Bah, vodka, King Alexander should introduce those Russians to ouzo. :D

Or, on second thoughts, maybe not...
 

Gen.Armando

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Lol that's great keep it coming! Im having a good laugh! And for me that is the key to success for a great Aar
 

Major_Rawne

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Hello again.
Sorry this one has taken so long, A-level revision tends to take up rather a lot of time. enjoy!

Chapter 3: Bores, floors and Turkish wars.

Following the appointment of the new Russian government, not much happened in the sleepy country of Greece, apart from lucrative tax cuts being granted to importers of vodka, and the king deciding to finally bring his wife and son over to court from England.
On the 2nd July, France announced the completion of the Arc de Triumphe. Driven wild by jealousy, the Queen announced that she wanted one as well.
The King, deciding that nothing was too expensive for his darling (or, alternately, deciding that nothing was too expensive for a quiet life) began to pool his resources. Two days later, young Prince Philip could be seen running around the palace, pulling the new Arc behind him on a little cart.
In October, it was announced that an ambassador had arrived to see the king.

KA: Quick, hide all the expensive booze!

Courtier: No milord, this ambassador is from England.

KA: Oh, well let him in then.

Ambassador: I am Sir Reginald Smite-De'Infidel, little man, and I demand to be shown to the King of Greece immediately, show me to his palace, and I may raise the subject with him that he lets his peasants live in such smelly, disgusting little huts as this.

KA: Actually, I AM the king, and this happens to be the largest and most impressive palace I can afford, fancy-pants.

SDI: Oh... errm, in that case, I am instructed to inform you that his most Britannic majesty, King William IV, by the grace of God, King of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland, Defender of the Faith, Knight of the Garter, Duke of Lancaster, Cornwall and Normandy (technically), Commander-in-Chief of all his Imperial Armies, wherever they may be; has decided to make the following proclamation:

“To whom it may concern:
I, King William IV, King of England, etc etc, do hereby declare that I guarantee the independence of King (Insert name here) of (Insert minor nation here) from all subjugation, assault, big nasty Turkish invasion, etc.
Yours regally,
Willy.”

KA: Oh, that's nice, I therefore make the following proclamation:

“To the King Of England etc:
I,Alexander, King of Greece and bugger all else, do declare that as the king of England is a man capable of laying his hands on armies far larger than I could raise in a decade of Sundays, I have no viable reason to turn down his completely random request. I therefore agree; sure he can guarantee my independence as much as he wants.

Yours insignificantly,
Alex.”


Just as things were dying down on the diplomatic front, and the court was preparing for Christmas, Dmitry arrived, proclaiming greetings from the Tzar of Russia:

Dmitri: Greetingsh, your mosht Royal highness, my mashter, Tzar Nichloash has declared a shtate of war to exsisht between Russia and Georgia. As our mosht beloveloved ally, we deshire your shupport in this conquesht.

KA: Dmitri, as far as I can see from the diplomacy screen, I happen to be your ONLY ally.
However, as Georgia is very small, far away, and does not currently possess an army to actually resist with, I will accept the terms of the alliance, and I hereby formally declare a state of war to exist between Greece and Georgia.
Right, next thing, call the chief of the Navy.

The Grand Admiral of the greek navy, Floaty Miboatylots was therefore called.

Floaty: You bellowed, oh recklessly militaristic one?

KA: Yes I did Admiral, prepare the fleet for immediate launch, we will mount an expedition to Gerogia.

Floaty: I would, oh martialy imprudent one, but as things currently stand, we haven't actually got a navy.

KA: What?

Floaty: It was, in fact, sold off to pay for the construction of the triumphal Arch.

KA: Damn. Oh well, we must begin construction of ships immediately.

Floaty: We would, oh imperialistically aspirational one, but we only currently have the funds to begin construction of two dingys, and a rubber duck.

KA: So, in fact, we have absolutely no way of actually intervening in this war I have been drawn into.
Oh well, at least the Georgians are unlikely to have the capacity to invade us.

Floaty: Hardly, oh logistically restricted one, our analysts predict that the conflict will be over by the new year at thelatest.

KA: well, lets hope that next year is going to be more productive than this one; andperhaps I can find something to do with all these damn turnips I had to bring with me.
 

unmerged(57402)

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Lol this is classic. Love the titles he gets: 'oh logistically restricted one' hehehe. Cheered me up while I was learning about collectivisation- muchos gracias!



And now for my forbidden signature:
Go look at 84 Years In Vienna- victoria aar- its inspired! (So I say). Go Now!
 

stnylan

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logistically restricted is indeed a veritable gem!
 

AOK. 11

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Great dialogue AAR so far!

Is it too early to ask for an update? :)
 

Major_Rawne

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Hello readers:
Sorry there's been no update in a while, but my A-level exams are next week, so revision is eating away at my time in a big way. I felt you deserved an explanation, but dont worry, this AAR is still very much a going concern, and I promise you that should it ever be cancelled, I will tell you all properly.

Thanks for reading, normal service should be restored soon.
 

unmerged(17581)

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We'll be here when you return. At the rate of the Vicky AAR forums these days it may not even make it off the first page...
 

Major_Rawne

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Hello everyone.
I'm back now, as my exams ended last week, and I have just returned from the commemorations of the 90th anniversary of the battle of the Somme.
I'm in the process of collation all the fragments of the AAR I've written, so normal service should be resumed soon.
Hopefully.