• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Jestor

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Stuyesvant: A possibility, but I'd forgotten about the third daughter.

Athalcor: I've never seen it before... but it's damned cool.

Toadsmash: Seriously. Rainman city.

DensleyBlair: I'm going to squeeze in at least one more update, because there's no way I can cliffhanger y'all like that.
 

Jestor

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As part of my many raiding adventures, I'd captured prisoners, including...



Note that this picture comes from before Valdemar the Gold Idiot's majority, so she's younger than what she is now. Naturally, I make her my concubine, but I wait util after I've been married a few months.



And of course, she's the first one to pregnant. Out pops a daughter.

But wait, there's more! She gets pregnant a second time, and almost immediately after, the Chieftess gets pregnant, too. Valdemar the Gold Idiot.. doing his ladies like a boss!

Unfortunately, this becomes a problem.



*Two* sons, the first one which is named Bjorn after Valdemar's father, the second of whom you see listed here. It's interesting that concubine's offspring are given equal inheritance rights as those of proper marriage issue.

And then, all Hel starts breaking loose.



King Ivar the Boneless marches on my liege, still Petty King Fairhair for the rights to Norwegian territory.



...Well that ended quickly. Wonder what King Fair-



On what? OH HELL NAWH! HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT! FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! And yes, I did actually scream FYA out loud.

Resisting the urge to hurl my keyboard and mouse at the screen, I immediately declare war and show Nancyhair what real Vikings do (which is raise the levies and hire a fatty stack of mercs)



Let this be a lesson to you, kids:

1. Don't screw with angry Vikings made rich from raiding.
2. Be careful who you pledge fealty to. As you can see in that picture (or could if I was posting this online, which I'm not), when your liege loses a subjugation war, -ALL- of the territory in the kingdom goes to the new ruler, including that of your vassals. Which means I got hosed out of Jamtaland. Thanks again, Nancyhair. Dick.



He gets the right idea and goes and takes land from some other fool instead.

But by this time, I've had enough of Womanhair. Getting what's mine back isn't enough. So screw the fact that I'm now a Truce-breaker. It's on like Donkey Kong, bitch.



So long, Assclown of the Girly Hair.

I wait a few months. And then comes the sweet song of the Valkyries.

No, I didn't die. I... ascended!



A glorious moment in the House of av Jamtland!

But realistically, we're exposed. The Scottish could come calling at any time, and let's not forget the Ugly Gray King, under whose de jure dominion we are. Sadly, there's only one thing to do.



This way, we don't have to go through a time and resource wasting war when he eventually declares against us, and the Ugly Gray King should be able to protect us better than Womanhair did.

A few more capstone pictures.

#1. The mighty Boneless King



AKA 80 Year Old Badass.

#2. The King Jarl



Somewhere along the way I had a third son. Succession gonna get ugly. Speaking of which...

#3. The Ugly Gray King



#4. Northern Europe



Yellow Outline = My Domain
Black Outline = Kingdom of Sweden's domain, including some continental conquest
Red Outline = Kingdom of Scotland's domain, including pieces of England and Ireland
White Outline = Womanhair's domain, a mere fraction of what he once had, thanks to Boneless's ruthlessness and the former's own stupidity in taking one of my territories.
 

Stuyvesant

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Bjorn must pursue women (and offspring) with a single-mindedness befitting his mouth-breathing imbecile status: he simply doesn't have enough brain cells to distract him once his loins stir...

Bit of a rollercoaster ride, but you've gotten some decent swathes of barren Swedish territory. One question, which I hope you can answer before your road trip and several-month-long absence: how does a Norse Pagan ruler obtain the nickname 'The Apostle'? :)
 

DensleyBlair

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Is that a West-Francian East Francia?

Wonderful to see you're now a king, even if it is really only a Jarldom. Who knows what heights the House of Jämtland will achieve next?

Have fun on your trip - I'm sure we'll see something equally as entertaining from you.
 

Jestor

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Stuyvesant: Excellent question. I have no idea, other than his insanely high piety, but I agree it should be religion localized a title.

DensleyBlair: Good eye. In fact...

Tufto said:
Since the fall of IN and the rise of HTTT, it had lain dormant, watching, waiting... silently judging for the correct moment. It calculated. It watched as those new to EU3 destroyed it time and time again, never knowing the horror it had once been, merely seeing its tamer counterpart.

But it had a plan. And as thousands of Paradoxians began to start their innocent Norse raiding up the Seine, they suddenly saw something loom out of the fog of war, an army ten times their own, with all the malice, all the hatred against the hordes of patch-wishlist-posters, all the evil lurking in the hearts of the devs- the Big Blue Blob was back, and this time, it was out for blood.


Not sure why Empire of Francia hasn't formed yet, TBH.
 

Athalcor

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Not sure why Empire of Francia hasn't formed yet, TBH.
Because they are showing the world they are 'the West'. It's the Cold War all over.
 

Jestor

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DensleyBlair: You can not stop the BBB! You can only hope to contain it. :D

Athalcor: And then from the East come the hordes of Mordo.. err... Mongols.

Okay, so I'm at my parents' house on Mac laptop. As I see it, I have 3 options:

1. Continue the narrative portion and reboot the CK2 portion (again)
2. Continue the narrative portion for a few posts and then two month hiatus this AAR.
3. Hiatus this AAR and start a whole new AAR for the next two months.
 

Stuyvesant

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'Tis of course entirely up to you, and perhaps you'll enjoy a two-month break from all Paradox-related activities, but since you've already swapped characters/countries at least three times in the course of this narrative, I don't think there's anything wrong with another reboot and another perspective. Those lonely Zoroastrians I've read about, perhaps?:)
 

Athalcor

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'Tis of course entirely up to you, and perhaps you'll enjoy a two-month break from all Paradox-related activities, but since you've already swapped characters/countries at least three times in the course of this narrative, I don't think there's anything wrong with another reboot and another perspective. Those lonely Zoroastrians I've read about, perhaps?:)
Whatever :D. But I enjoyed the Norse failure of yours, TBH.
 

Specialist290

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Nice to see this is still going (and apologies for bumping a seven-day old thread).

Add another vote for option one, if you haven't already started writing. Of course, regardless of what you pick, I'll probably follow that as well.
 

Jestor

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So, um... yeah... Option 3 it's obviously going to be.

I find it's too difficult to play games for very long on the Mac laptop, especially since I still keep getting flickering in CK2.
 

Jestor

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Back in town, but unsure how patches will affect saved games. Might be a case of yet another game restart for our shut-in hero. :D
 

Stuyvesant

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I'm not entirely sure of the label 'hero' for your protagonist. ;) I mean, being socially inept doesn't mean you can't be heroic, but since his achievements so far are mostly moaning and occasionally raging (with the odd sprinkling of homicidal/suicidal thoughts), I think it's a stretch to call him a hero. :)

Anyway, semantics aside, I look forward to the eventual continuation/reboot/whatever that will follow.
 

Jestor

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The silence of the gas station was pierced not by the shouts of drunks, but by the blaring of music from a car sliding into a parking spot outside the door:

I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo


And then silence again, again punctured by the open and slam of a door. Unfortunately the auto in question wasn't a Gallardo, or even a sports car of any kind. Not even a Porsche Boxster. I couldn't tell the color, other than that it was dark. The hinges on the gas station door's squeaked as it was swung open, and I was greeted by one of the more unusual sights of my sad little cashiering career.



Her steps were unsteady, pink-black hair shifting and rippling as she staggered toward the candy section. As she stared intensely as the overpriced bars in their bulk boxes, I reflected this situation was both ordinary and unique. Clearly drunk girls in these moon-overseen hours were quite common, but usually they were in groups, hedonistic herds of high-pitched harpies who haunted my after-shift horker huggings. This one was by herself, a lone bird whose silver-winged necklace pendant I noticed only when she diagonally schlepped her way to the counter with a Snickers bar and a bag of pixie sticks.

She studied the electronic screen, and I studied her studying the electronic screen as I rang up her purchases.

"You're not you when you're hungry?" I asked, sliding the Snickers into a plastic bag.

Her eyes, hazel and vivid against her mascara, flicked up to me. "I'm always a pixie girl."

Hpnotiq, her breath informed. Also at least two shots of Bacardi Razz.

"Are you manic?"

"No, just drunk."

The pixie sticks joined the Snickers in the bag and I rustled it.

She looked at me.

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

I looked significantly at the screen.

She looked at me.

"Um, your total is $3.77," I prompted.

Finally, movement. She dropped her head and searched through the pockets of her impossibly tight, short jean shorts. After a few moments, she smiled, shrugged, and looked up, "Sorry. All out of money!"

"...You seriously don't expect me to pay, do you?"

"Of course!"

"...Why?"

"Because I'm hot. And because I'm hot, that means we're having a meet-hot, like in the movies. You're meeting me, a hot girl."

"...You mean a meet-cute?"

She squinted, tipping her head and tapping her cheek, "...I guess. You're a little too pale to be cute, though."

I let the irony slide.

"No deal. They don't pay me enough to pay for customers' purchases."

"Aw, come on!" Then came the eye-bat and the rise on tip-toe, bringing her face close to mine, "Please?"

"No."

She pouted and dropped down, stumbling a couple steps back. Then she dug again into her pockets and, giving a shout, slammed a nickel down on the counter.

"There! Down payment! I'll pay you the rest tomorrow."

"...Fine." At this point, I just wanted the damn ordeal with. Arguing with people, even insanely hot girls, drains me. Hell, just talking to them does.

"Cool. You're cool. I'll see you tomorrow then. It'll be like a date. Except nothing like a date."

And so saying, she grabbed her bag and made her way out, narrowly missing overturning two endcaps and banging her kneecap on the door.

I sighed, slipped her nickel in my pants, and completed the transaction with a five dollar bill from my wallet.

She'd damned well better show up, I thought, although something told me she wouldn't. Drunk girls always forget the boys of the night when morning comes.
 

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I sighed, slipped her nickel in my pants, and completed the transaction with a five dollar bill from my wallet.
I'm British – that is a disturbingly different sentence to me ;)

Great to see you're returned to your game. I'm intrigued by our musically-ignorant pixie girl, though I doubt we'll see her again. Will our 'hero' be dealing with his post-argument stress with another game of CK2? I'm looking forward to finding out.
 

Stuyvesant

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I'm British – that is a disturbingly different sentence to me ;)
Quick internet search later - does it refer to a drug transaction? Or, my first thought, does the general suggestiveness that a sexual exchange has been negotiated cause the disturbance? :)

Anyway, with the update: that's a Hello Kitty pendant hiding behind the wings, isn't it (I have two daughters, the oldest is 6 - I can recognize Hello Kitty in a non-ironic way). Hello Kitty and grown-up girls are a disturbing combination, in my mind.

Interesting exchange. Our protagonist is willing to stand up to people for the principle of the matter, but he caves rather quickly because he seems intrinsically unable to engage in social interaction - introversion turned up to 11.

If Pink-Pixie-Hello-Kitty-Girl shows up again, I'll be beyond surprised.