*breaths in* BOI
, that's a juicy one.
(almost) every patch I tend to start one or two observer games, just to get a grasp of how the AI behaves. It's often quite unusual, but what happened in the last run, that I've started 2 days ago, has gone to entirely different level
. I swear on everything holy in this damned world that there was no player interference in this game whatsoever.
Balkans caught the most of my attention in this play- observethrough. You can probably guess why.
It doesn't mean the rest of the world isn't interesting.
I hope you guys like gargantuan posts here.
Since the very beginning something was not right. Byzantium allied Austria from the get-go, Bohemia almost instantly got PU over Brandenburg, Albania won the war with Venice, and Ethiopians did nothing to prevent Semien from becoming independent.
Only two years into the game. Can't wait to see more.
In 1460s' Ottomans went to war with Hungary; meanwhile, Byzantium got cocky and declared war on Naxos... which they lost spectacularly.
Ottomans would never recover from their defeat, unlike Byzantium
Afterwards Wallachia, Byzantium and Hungarians enjoyed a few successful campaigns against Ottomans; unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. After kicking the Ottos entirely out of Europe, Hungary stabbed their Christian neighbours' backs, took Constantinople and allowed the Turks to flood Balkans once again. The Karma would of course catch the Huns in form of Poland-Lithuania and Bohemia-Brandenburg having an eppetite for Slovakia. Wallachs and Byzzies instantly took their chance and declared reconquest on severely weakened Hungary...
... just to get mauled by the revolting nobles.
The AI is genius sometimes.
I'd also like to point out that during one of their conflicts, Hungary and Byzantium were constantly disbanding their units. Entire armies
were suddenly disappearing. It's probably not WAD.
Nevertheless, the Eastern Romans would eventually regain control over their centuries old capital.
Here you can see Byzantine Empire at its biggest extent since 1444. They'd later gain some more land in Anatolia for a few years, but at the same time they would also suffer losses in Europe.
Try to guess, (((who))) might be the mastermind behind the Byzantine demise this time?
Here's the state of Balkans right after the Second Veneto-Byzantine war, you can still see the pre-war borders thanks to the names not getting instantly adjusted. On a different note, Bosnia is a Protestant country in the sea of Catholicism and Orthodoxy. Also, I find it funny that the only territory Hungarians have from their starting provinces is Székelyföld. Pay attention to that little orange spot in Anatolia
- it's gonna be very important soon.
Now, let's extend our report to Anatolia: after humiliating defeat at the hands of Hungary, Ottomans were successively losing land to the Mamluks; yet, even Egyptian hegemony wouldn't stand unquestioned forever.
There are three Anatolian countries I am absolutely amazed by:
- Armenia. From an OPM in Samtskhe they've become quite an admirable force in the Caucasus. They've also played their role in orientalisation of Georgian Orthodoxy.
The First Armenian Empire since 1444. Also OPM Bohtan. Armenia would later lose a big part of its territory to Persia.
In 1533, realising there's no way for Ottomans to enter their Mesopotamian holdings due to impassable terrain in form of the Pontic Mountains and the Mamluks, Armenia declared war on them. After sieging down all the land from Erzincan to Baghdad, the Glorious Caucasian Blurple would go on and take... Erzurum. Nevertheless, in 1545 they'd finish what they've started by also taking Erzincan.
For the next 15 years Armenians were fending off both the Mamluks and Persians - some of their victorious battles were comparable to the ratios in all those "Glorious Victories of x" images with Wikipedia data. In 1560 Armenia would be fully annexed by the Mamluks.
To be fair, the adventures of Armenia look really bland in comparison with what I'm going to tell you about now.
- Germiyan. Remember that orange OPM in Ankara from a few screenshots before? Germiyani separatists spawned in the Mameluke part of Anatolia; realising they have no way of winning against the superior numbers of the mercenary kings, they targetted Ankara - at that time, an Ottoman enclave inside Mamelukian territory. Ottomans, unable to do anything with the revolt, recognised the secession of Germiyan.
But that's not the end of the story of the orange beylik! Normally, you'd expect a not only landlocked but also surrounded OPM to die in a matter of months - well, not in this case. I personally witnessed three Germiyano-Mamelukan wars(not sure who started them though), they all went more or less like this:
-Germiyan sieges down half of Anatolia
-Mamluks realise what's going on
-they chase Germiyani army for over a year, unable to catch them
-Mamluks finally catch the Turks
-they siege back a few forts
-both parties get tired
Pretty impressive, huh? Now look at THIS:
Be careful who you call ugly in middle school. And that Trebizond! That Gazikumukh! THAT THEODORO!
- Still not impressed? Alright, so how about a monastic order doing its job for the first time in centuries?
And hey, Byzantium regained Constantinople for, like, 5th time in this observethrough, good job! You're not getting your might back though.
Jeez, I could go on and on about Anatolia! Later there was a brief resurgence of the Ottomans in the south, quickly silenced by another resurgence of Germiyan, which then got partitioned by Venice and... the City of f*cking Kayseri
Meanwhile in the Balkans, Byzantium died so Greeks decide to create a new country - including Macedonia, something that Byzzies couldn't achieve(don't worry, Greece would later get vassalised by Venice, and Macedonia would be back in the Merchants' hands), and Commonwealth blobs like mad. There was a shitton of trading cities in this game; that little thing on the coast of Albania is the City of Durazzo - It would later conquer the whole Albania.
Now, you're probably wondering, "What in the name of Johan is that blue thing crawling its way in the direction of the devil's playground that are Balkans and Anatolia?" The answer is...
Yes, Ethiopia. The same country that let the Beta Israelites have their independence at the very start of this observethrough. On the sidenote, it was really hard to tell where the Ethiopian lands ended in Africa...
... because, of all people, it was Sakalava, a country from Madagascar, that united Eastern Africa under the Blue Hegemony. Also, that Morocco is 'yuuuuge.
There's not much to talk about Balkans anymore, aside for the fact that after acquiring Constantinople, Wallachia(who has been pretty impressive throughout this whole game) apparently claimed the title of "The 4563rd Rome" and started beating the everloving Orthodox Christ out of Venice. Right now they're fighting against the Solomonid invasion, together with their former foes from Italy. Think about the sentence that you've just read, and wish them all luck.
Hopefully the monster that Theodoro has become will help the European Alliance in the theoretical future
Whew, since we've got this little hellhole done, let's get onto the rest of Eur-
OH, COME ON!
I've already mentioned Theodoro, so let's start with the biggest cancer of this continent: Polish-Lithuanian-Ruthenian-Czech-Brandenburgian-Hungarian-Croatian-Serbian-Breton-Russian Commonwealth. Apparently, some time after Bohemia had annexed Brandenburg, they themselves ran out of heirs, creating the foundations under this monstrosity.
But that's not the end of dynastic shenanigans for the Commonwealth, oooh no
. For some reason, PLC became really good friends with Brittany. Their relations were so great that one day Bretons simply gave away their country to the Poles.
If you're wondering what Brittany and Commonwealth could have in common, I found two things:
- Colonisation of Florida. Yes, apparently after incorporating Bohemia, PLC was in the range of colonisation. Their program mainly constituted of trading with natives and getting eaten by everyone's favourite Caddo.
As you can see, Brittany owns Beaufort in the screenshot, so the Polish must've started colonising before the Breton Anschluss(or maybe it's just a bug? I dunno). Anyways, here's the final state of the Polish-Lithuanian-Ruthenian-Czech-Brandenburgian-Hungarian-Croatian-Serbian-Breton-Russian Floride:
No, they didn't colonise anything beside that.
- Another thing that probably brought Bretons and Poles together was their hatred towards France. Ok now, why would PLC hate France? Probably because the Commonwealth has been a Holy Roman Emperor almost constantly since 1575.
Keep in mind that for around 30 years of their rule over HRE, PLC had still been an elective monarchy. Should this government really be eligible for the HRE throne?
Thankfully, the Commonwealth and France put their differences aside, to create a glorious pan-European dynastic union, with a help of a few German princes.
Wait a minute...
They're rivals? What the hell is happening? Why do rulers of France have Spanish names?! Even if PLC got de Valois from somewhere else, I really love how they still hate eachother despite having the same dynasty. Really takes me back to the Polish feudal split.
There are 4 minor countries who also have de Valois as their dynasty: Provence(stuck in Avignon, like the pope), Corsica, Bavaria(in union with France) and... Hannover!
Yes, Hannover was created by the AI! What's more interesting, I am unable to tell you who created it. "Show Timeline" really doesn't help, but I think it might've been Brunswick - the story of Brunswick is pretty fun to watch in the timeline. Another thing I can't comprehend is Münster - how did the Commonwealth gain it? Through Imperial Intervention? Or perhaps they integrated the little owner of this province? Again, "Show Timeline" doesn't help. Also look where's Baden.
Apparently I'm getting mad because of all these things, because I see in doubles!
Some of you probably noticed that Lubusz had been a dynamic name for the wrong province for quite some time now. Well, it is in the right province now, but at the same time it isn't
. @Trin Tragula
normally province names aren't too serious of a problem, but you have to admit this one needs to be fixed ASAP.
Now, let's quickly talk about the other Valois superpower: France! Bavaria was not their first union partner - before that, they also enjoyed union over Desmond, quite a successful Irish minor, even managed to defeat England once before their throne was overtaken by the weirdly speaking Gauls. With the French having such a big base on the Isles, it was obvious that Britain would become more dynamic, so to speak - I recommend watching the timeline.
In the Year of our Lord 1821, France owns Ireland and a chunk of Scotland named Ayrshire. That little bit of Great Britain got, what I like to call, a reverse Northern Ireland treatment.
As we talk about dynastic shenanigans, let's look at the Netherlands:
As you all know, major part of Netherlands starts in a union under Burgundy. I am not entirely sure what happened, was to busy watching the Balkans/doing things in real life, but at some point Burgundy lost their unions; yet, thanks to their capital moving to HRE, they've managed to bring the order back to Flanders and Brabant. Some time later, Brabant regained its independence... only to go under personal union with Great Britain! Eventually, they broke out again, only to... gain
a union over Pomerania this time!
Let's hope their experience with unions taught them something.
Now, a few quick notes to finish Europe:
Utrecht's walls are so impressive that 30k rebels aren't even able to start the siege! And what are they revolting against? Utrecht is a republic already, do they want to bring theocracy back?
Unfortunately, Ferrara didn't do anything incredible this time, but at least they secured an alliance with Russia... for whatever reason.
That was before the Russians met Space Marines from the Commonwealth. And what happened to them when they finally did?
Well... they became a republic. And their president is Lev Tolstoy, who shouldn't be born for the next 7 years. And they moved their capital to Viatka, of all places.