• We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1066-1067​


Crusaders2008-03-1701-24-31-14.jpg

Allow me to introduce myself! I am Robert, Prince of the Blood Royal. After my dad - King Robert II - died, my brother Henry got France. Feeling more than a little put off (goddamn primogeniture) I rebelled, and my brother gave me Burgundy if I'd leave him the hell alone.

To help keep the peace, I got some vassals. Let's meet 'em!​







Crusaders2008-03-1701-24-56-72.jpg

This is Guillaume de Nevers. He rules Nevers and Auxerre. He's rude, but kind of a good soldier.​






Crusaders2008-03-1701-25-00-25.jpg

This is Hugues. He's kind of like Nevers. He even stole his Coat of Arms.​






Crusaders2008-03-1701-25-06-31.jpg

This 11 year-old is a better battlefield commander than me. He also grows up into quite the little d%#&$bag.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-28-56-42.jpg

And here is my darling nephew King Phillip I. I call him Phil.

and last but not least...​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-29-04-30.jpg

The wife. Woof.​






Crusaders2008-03-1701-37-42-02.jpg

Glad that stuff's out of the way. Now I can get to turning my duchy into a powerhouse! We'll start by building a forestry, to let the peasants sell wood, or something. Whatever. It makes money. This is only a minor step of course, so much left to do! I can raise an army! I can go on crusade! I can foment rebellion! I can --​






Crusaders2008-03-1701-39-11-70.jpg

Die? Are you #$%^ing serious? All I did was build a %$^@ing forestry! I have pathos to explore! Backstory! And my grand achievement is building a forestry?! Weak.​

Hughghghg.....blegggghh....​
 
Last edited:
1068-1070​

Crusaders2008-03-1701-39-20-16.jpg

Duke Henry of Burgundy. I'm kind of a big deal.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-40-24-89.jpg

Surprisingly though, not a lot of people know how awesome I am, so I basically start selling female relatives for prestige.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-41-51-06.jpg

In memory of my late father, I order the construction of a forestry in Charolais.​




Crusaders2008-03-1701-43-05-86.jpg

Various folks, understandably desparate to be ruled by me, flock to the province and build some little towns and hamlets where the forests used to be.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-44-59-80.jpg

Living in 11th century Europe can get sort of boring, so I build a court of justice in order to have more public executions.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-49-29-56.jpg

King Phil manages to get the Duke of Brittany to pay homage to him. Did I mention that as the king's cousin I am 2nd in line to inherit after his deadbeat brother? I am awesome.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-52-07-94.jpg

Even my wife thinks so.​





Crusaders2008-03-1701-53-50-39.jpg

The strategic doctrine of getting a bunch of guys I met at the tavern to beat up some peaseants, which was perfected while I was Marshal of Burgundy, is phased out in favor of the doctrine of getting a bunch of guys I met at the tavern to learn how to fight at the training grounds and then getting them to beat up some peaseants.​




Crusaders2008-03-1701-59-55-03.jpg

King Phil had a kid. Bummer. Here's hoping the kid catches smallpox.​
 
Last edited:
Under the Tuscan Sun

1070-1072​


Crusaders2008-03-1702-00-54-44.jpg

King Phil goes to war with the Duchy of Toscana to support his ally King Heinrich of Germany. Naturally he begs me to come along.​




Crusaders2008-03-1702-01-44-05.jpg

The Burgundian regiments are raised, and off we march to plunder, women and glory!​





Crusaders2008-03-1702-03-28-14.jpg

**egh HEM** And off we march to plunder, women and glory! Well, umm, let's see what else is going on.​





Crusaders2008-03-1702-06-52-45.jpg

This is King William of England. I call him Bill the Bastard. He's only slightly less awesome than I am. Everyone knows I could have my own kingdom if I really wanted one, but everyone also knows I'm not that full of myself.​




Crusaders2008-03-1702-07-06-75.jpg

...​





Crusaders2008-03-1702-10-26-05.jpg

No, God. You were supposed to get Prince Raymond sick, not my son.​





Crusaders2008-03-1702-11-26-31.jpg

During a Council of War, the Bishop of Reims insinuates that the reason my army hasn't moved is because I'm a substandard commander leading a mob of dudes I picked up at the bar. I demand immediate compensation for the insult. King Phil privately assures me I'm being kept in the rear to serve as the reserves to be brought up at the crucial moment! That's really the most important job!​




Crusaders2008-03-1702-15-12-55.jpg

Since we have a lot of time on our hands, I let Auxerre become my hunting buddy.​





Crusaders2008-03-1702-15-24-25.jpg

God fixes his previous error by sending a miracle-worker to heal my son. I expect better service next time. You'd think some self-styled "Almighty" could smite the right brat with a life-threatening disease.​
 
Last edited:
The Crusades

1072-1075​


Crusaders2008-03-1702-16-05-86.jpg


Me and the Bishop of Reims make up, and together we secure the rear of the French Army. The war ends a few days later, the Burgundian army never having left the Duchy.




Crusaders2008-03-1702-24-08-77.jpg


I find my eldest son a wife. Amazingly no one applied and I had to go out and ask for one. Maybe my son just isn't as popular as I am.




Crusaders2008-03-1702-24-20-81.jpg


I assure him she has a good personality.




Crusaders2008-03-1714-32-43-49.jpg


Everyone wants to be my friend. This is old news.




Crusaders2008-03-1714-33-48-30.jpg


Some ugly fat guy with a pedophile moustache wants to "teach his trade" to my son Renaud, whom I affectionately refer to as "my little Hunchback". I send him away.




Crusaders2008-03-1714-34-08-70.jpg


My eldest son turns out to be a brilliant strategist! I'm so proud.




Crusaders2008-03-1714-34-38-42.jpg


His brother's alright too, I guess.




Crusaders2008-03-1714-44-12-08.jpg


There's a reason Hugues is my favorite, and that's because he doesn't b!$#^ to me about not having any land. What the hell do you expect from me, kid? I only have two provinces!




Crusaders2008-03-1714-40-06-78.jpg


Maybe we can solve that problem after all. Unfortunately Jerusalem is well-defended, part of a huge kingdom, and far away.




Crusaders2008-03-1714-45-15-44.jpg


The Emirate of Mallorca is not.​
 
Last edited:
Great so far. A nice sarcasm to go along with lovely screenies and great humor. However, I kind of think the Duke there is not quite as awesome as he thinks he is. ;)
 
1075-1076​


Crusaders2008-03-1714-46-42-89.jpg


Naturally, without me around everything goes to pot. I'll do what I can to help, I know how awful it must be for the peasants not to able to look to my reassuring visage daily.

Well, you know, not that they are ever allowed to look me in the eyes. I am a Duke after all, that would just be impertinent. I was speaking metaphorically.





Crusaders2008-03-1714-48-53-33.jpg


Daddy's little girl had a chance of becoming energetic, cruel, reckless and decietful, and she got 'em all! My lovely children are perfect in everything they try, just like their dad!

Well, except her brother Eudes, but we don't talk about him.





Crusaders2008-03-1714-49-36-74.jpg


My Burgundian army lands on the island of Mallorca. Battle is joined! The Mohammedan hordes are in danger of overwhelming us!





Crusaders2008-03-1714-50-03-92.jpg


At the moment all seems lost, I leap into the fray, slaying perhaps three dozen of them myself. My courage and bravery rallies my armies, and we win a victory to go down in history right alongside Hastings!





Crusaders2008-03-1714-50-13-00.jpg


The royal family of England begs for a marriage alliance. They know whose side they want to be on!






Crusaders2008-03-1714-50-37-10.jpg


Another one of my wonderful children, Henry Jr. no less, becomes a brilliant prodigy. I am beginning to think Eudes must be a bastard.






Crusaders2008-03-1714-50-52-25.jpg


When you're a man of as noble blood as mine, you are permitted to take time out from seiges to go hunting.





Crusaders2008-03-1714-51-04-92.jpg


Ali Iqbal begs and pleads for mercy, offering to empty his pathetic treasury. Unfortunately for him my sons need land. Well maybe not Eudes. But the brilliant ones sure do.





Crusaders2008-03-1714-51-13-78.jpg


For hundreds of years my noble ancestors have made the mistake of trying to take lands in France. It took me to come along and see that there is an entire subcontinent full of heathens just waiting to have their lands taken from them.​





Crusaders2008-03-1714-52-19-25.jpg


I grant the title Count of Mallorca to my eldest son and heir, Hugues of Burgundy. As you can see, King Phil has arrived a tad late. I won't hold it against him, even though things looked hairy there for a moment.​
 
Ah, the Balearics. A good staging ground for future land-grabs from the heathens. :cool:
 
1076-1079


Crusaders2008-03-1716-36-12-20.jpg


My little hunchback turns into a model of chivalry. Just like his dad.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-38-09-38.jpg


Leaping at the chance to be part of my extended family, the Duke of Champagne wants to marry his brother to my daughter.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-38-17-55.jpg


Usually the daughter's family supplies the dowry, but for the privilege of marrying one of my children, I expect to be paid. This healthy sum nearly doubles my treasury.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-48-27-77.jpg


I'm not home for a year before King Phil decides he wants to go on crusade also. I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-49-00-27.jpg


I gather my men and march west. The Egyptians have taken over Navarra. We're going there first.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-50-06-47.jpg


Now that he's taken all my armies, King Phil wants me to declare war on Egypt myself. That Phil's a real peice of work.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-50-29-80.jpg


I get a letter from home saying how Henry Jr.'s turned into a lustful and indulgent skirt-chaser. That's daddy's little boy!





Crusaders2008-03-1716-52-07-61.jpg

The army marches down through Guyenne. A small detachment has already arrived at Navarre, but the main French army is split up into three groups. King Phil begged me to take command of the largest, saying how I was the most brilliant, victorious commander he had ever met and how he had gone over every account of the Battle of Mallorca a dozen times. I decided to once again display my humility and take the second largest group. The Duke of Brittany commands the last group.
 
1079-1080


Crusaders2008-03-1716-53-49-11.jpg


My lands continue to suffer from my absence.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-54-36-14.jpg


But the fight against the Spanish Egyptians goes well! Navarra falls to the French armies, thanks mostly to me. Don't worry Burgundy! I'll be home soon!

That wailing sound I hear must be the peasants crying in anticipation!





Crusaders2008-03-1716-54-58-53.jpg


Yet another French nobleman begs to be my friend.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-55-52-95.jpg


I, of course, get the honor of commanding the siege of Rioja. Nearly half my army has perished during the course of the campaign, but it will all be worth it once my standard flies from the ramparts and we reap the sweet, sweet rewards of vict--





Crusaders2008-03-1716-56-59-11.jpg


King Phil. I swear to God he did that just to humiliate me. He must know everybody likes me more than him.





Crusaders2008-03-1716-58-11-50.jpg


Well that's good. For a moment there I was afraid that all those ducats in my treasury might spontaneously combust and burn down my hill fort. What would I be without the Pope? Besides happy and rich?





Crusaders2008-03-1717-04-37-45.jpg


But any mere mortal can sit and whine. I'm Henry, Duke of Burgundy! I'll scrounge up some money and make my friend Pope! That'll show 'em!





Crusaders2008-03-1717-06-10-89.jpg


Ah, Rouergue has stopped paying homage to Toulouse. My advisor informs me that I am the count's fourth cousin by marriage twice removed, and thus have a perfectly legitimate claim to their title. I file this information for future use.





Crusaders2008-03-1717-07-04-13.jpg

First King Phil abandons my seige at the last minute, then Rouergue and Gevaudan pull a headfake on me to fool me into using up prestige to claim a title! Is everyone jealous of me? Don't they realize how petty this makes them all look?
 
1080-1086


Crusaders2008-03-1717-27-07-45.jpg


Every...





Crusaders2008-03-1717-30-10-05.jpg


single...





Crusaders2008-03-1717-38-49-78.jpg


nobleman...





Crusaders2008-03-1718-08-15-27.jpg


in France is jealous of me! Fine! I don't need them! They're just jealous! Jealous they all rule places that aren't Burgundy! Burgundy's all I need! We have fine mustard, wine...





Crusaders2008-03-1717-36-57-14.jpg


...​

But you know what? We're fine, we're fine.



Crusaders2008-03-1717-42-38-89.jpg


My steward has continued to serve me faithfully for years!





Crusaders2008-03-1717-44-39-08.jpg


My brother has been with me on every campaign so far!


All my courtiers love me! Well, the Chancellor keeps b$#^%ing about how hard it is to keep up good relations with everyone while I'm - as she says - so goddamn full of myself, but I just tell her she can either continue working for me or just get smallpox and die, stupid b--





Crusaders2008-03-1718-02-04-97.jpg


I can't take it anymore. I'm too old for this!







Crusaders2008-03-1718-12-12-42.jpg


On my deathbed, I call each of my loyal courtiers into my chambers to give them my last bits of advice on how to properly run their lives now that I will soon no longer be there to guide them.

They're all honored for the opportunity. They try and hide it, to try and play to my natural modesty, but outside my chambers I can hear them cheering and high-fiving each other.

God bless the little people.​
 
Thus ends Henri "the Awesome". Hugues has great footsteps to follow in. I ask myself if his ego is comparable to that of his father, or he will turn out to be a weak willed whimp. :p

~Lord Valentine~
 
Last edited:
Heh, hilarious bunch of updates... :D

Now I think King Phil urgently needs to be unkinged by the brilliant Hugues as his awesome father (and grandfather) passed away untimely... ;)
 
Crusaders2008-03-1717-59-04-66.jpg


The vile pox has finally departed from Burgundy. Smallpox is gone, too.





Crusaders2008-03-1718-12-21-83.jpg


I suppose I should introduce myself. Duke Hugues. I was Count of Mallorca. My brothers didn't get any land, but they got all the government posts like Spy Master, Marshal and Steward.

All except Eudes, but between you and me I think he has some daddy issues.






Crusaders2008-03-1718-32-11-58.jpg


Things are gonna change around here. My grandpa Robert built a forestry, and my dad conquered Mallorca. Burgundy needs some real expansion.

I order my knights and barons to get their crap and march south. I don't for sure know where we're going yet, but I'll find something.





Crusaders2008-03-1718-33-59-17.jpg


One of the little brats is spreading the flu or something around.

Eventually this epidemic will almost wipe out my court.





Crusaders2008-03-1718-35-45-94.jpg


Sicily is divided into a bunch of small, independent sheikdoms. It's perfect!





Crusaders2008-03-1718-35-28-16.jpg


It'll be like taking candy from a baby.





Crusaders2008-03-1718-36-18-75.jpg


Just so nothing can possibly go wrong, I get my men from Mallorca to join in.





Crusaders2008-03-1718-36-48-97.jpg


What the hell is a jongleur? Sounds like a male prostitute or something. Burgundy has wandering troupes of male prostitutes? My dad messed things up worse than I thought.





Crusaders2008-03-1718-39-12-67.jpg


Me and my brother Robert meet the armies of the child-sheik of Siracusa on the field of battle.


Crusaders2008-03-1718-41-09-13.jpg


We emerge victorious and set a seige. I already have plans for Sicily. There's only one man who can stand in my way...​