• We will be taking the forums down for scheduled maintenance on Thursday, February 25th 2021 At approximately 4PM CST / Friday, February 26th 2021 Midnight UTC. This downtime is estimated to last up to 2 hours.
  • Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

This thread is more than 5 months old.

It is very likely that it does not need any further discussion and thus bumping it serves no purpose. If you feel it is necessary to make a new reply, you can still do so though.

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1066-1067​



Allow me to introduce myself! I am Robert, Prince of the Blood Royal. After my dad - King Robert II - died, my brother Henry got France. Feeling more than a little put off (goddamn primogeniture) I rebelled, and my brother gave me Burgundy if I'd leave him the hell alone.

To help keep the peace, I got some vassals. Let's meet 'em!​








This is Guillaume de Nevers. He rules Nevers and Auxerre. He's rude, but kind of a good soldier.​







This is Hugues. He's kind of like Nevers. He even stole his Coat of Arms.​







This 11 year-old is a better battlefield commander than me. He also grows up into quite the little d%#&$bag.​






And here is my darling nephew King Phillip I. I call him Phil.

and last but not least...​






The wife. Woof.​







Glad that stuff's out of the way. Now I can get to turning my duchy into a powerhouse! We'll start by building a forestry, to let the peasants sell wood, or something. Whatever. It makes money. This is only a minor step of course, so much left to do! I can raise an army! I can go on crusade! I can foment rebellion! I can --​







Die? Are you #$%^ing serious? All I did was build a %$^@ing forestry! I have pathos to explore! Backstory! And my grand achievement is building a forestry?! Weak.​

Hughghghg.....blegggghh....​
 
Last edited:

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1068-1070​


Duke Henry of Burgundy. I'm kind of a big deal.​






Surprisingly though, not a lot of people know how awesome I am, so I basically start selling female relatives for prestige.​






In memory of my late father, I order the construction of a forestry in Charolais.​





Various folks, understandably desparate to be ruled by me, flock to the province and build some little towns and hamlets where the forests used to be.​






Living in 11th century Europe can get sort of boring, so I build a court of justice in order to have more public executions.​






King Phil manages to get the Duke of Brittany to pay homage to him. Did I mention that as the king's cousin I am 2nd in line to inherit after his deadbeat brother? I am awesome.​






Even my wife thinks so.​






The strategic doctrine of getting a bunch of guys I met at the tavern to beat up some peaseants, which was perfected while I was Marshal of Burgundy, is phased out in favor of the doctrine of getting a bunch of guys I met at the tavern to learn how to fight at the training grounds and then getting them to beat up some peaseants.​





King Phil had a kid. Bummer. Here's hoping the kid catches smallpox.​
 
Last edited:

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
Under the Tuscan Sun

1070-1072​



King Phil goes to war with the Duchy of Toscana to support his ally King Heinrich of Germany. Naturally he begs me to come along.​





The Burgundian regiments are raised, and off we march to plunder, women and glory!​






**egh HEM** And off we march to plunder, women and glory! Well, umm, let's see what else is going on.​






This is King William of England. I call him Bill the Bastard. He's only slightly less awesome than I am. Everyone knows I could have my own kingdom if I really wanted one, but everyone also knows I'm not that full of myself.​





...​






No, God. You were supposed to get Prince Raymond sick, not my son.​






During a Council of War, the Bishop of Reims insinuates that the reason my army hasn't moved is because I'm a substandard commander leading a mob of dudes I picked up at the bar. I demand immediate compensation for the insult. King Phil privately assures me I'm being kept in the rear to serve as the reserves to be brought up at the crucial moment! That's really the most important job!​





Since we have a lot of time on our hands, I let Auxerre become my hunting buddy.​






God fixes his previous error by sending a miracle-worker to heal my son. I expect better service next time. You'd think some self-styled "Almighty" could smite the right brat with a life-threatening disease.​
 
Last edited:

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
The Crusades

1072-1075​




Me and the Bishop of Reims make up, and together we secure the rear of the French Army. The war ends a few days later, the Burgundian army never having left the Duchy.






I find my eldest son a wife. Amazingly no one applied and I had to go out and ask for one. Maybe my son just isn't as popular as I am.






I assure him she has a good personality.






Everyone wants to be my friend. This is old news.






Some ugly fat guy with a pedophile moustache wants to "teach his trade" to my son Renaud, whom I affectionately refer to as "my little Hunchback". I send him away.






My eldest son turns out to be a brilliant strategist! I'm so proud.






His brother's alright too, I guess.






There's a reason Hugues is my favorite, and that's because he doesn't b!$#^ to me about not having any land. What the hell do you expect from me, kid? I only have two provinces!






Maybe we can solve that problem after all. Unfortunately Jerusalem is well-defended, part of a huge kingdom, and far away.






The Emirate of Mallorca is not.​
 
Last edited:

coz1

GunslingAAR
29 Badges
May 16, 2002
13.633
193
hearthehurd.typepad.com
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Imperator: Rome
  • Imperator: Rome Deluxe Edition
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • PDXCon 2017 Awards Winner
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • 500k Club
  • 200k Club
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • For The Glory
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Deus Vult
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
Great so far. A nice sarcasm to go along with lovely screenies and great humor. However, I kind of think the Duke there is not quite as awesome as he thinks he is. ;)
 

Lord Valentine

Lord Protector of Britain
82 Badges
Jul 5, 2006
999
135
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Rome Gold
  • Sengoku
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Imperator: Rome - Magna Graecia
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
A wonderful AAR! :rofl:
Henri "the Awesome" seems to be a fun guy, but could it be that he picked up the "proud" trait somwhere along the way? :D

~Lord Valentine~
 

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1075-1076​




Naturally, without me around everything goes to pot. I'll do what I can to help, I know how awful it must be for the peasants not to able to look to my reassuring visage daily.

Well, you know, not that they are ever allowed to look me in the eyes. I am a Duke after all, that would just be impertinent. I was speaking metaphorically.







Daddy's little girl had a chance of becoming energetic, cruel, reckless and decietful, and she got 'em all! My lovely children are perfect in everything they try, just like their dad!

Well, except her brother Eudes, but we don't talk about him.







My Burgundian army lands on the island of Mallorca. Battle is joined! The Mohammedan hordes are in danger of overwhelming us!







At the moment all seems lost, I leap into the fray, slaying perhaps three dozen of them myself. My courage and bravery rallies my armies, and we win a victory to go down in history right alongside Hastings!







The royal family of England begs for a marriage alliance. They know whose side they want to be on!








Another one of my wonderful children, Henry Jr. no less, becomes a brilliant prodigy. I am beginning to think Eudes must be a bastard.








When you're a man of as noble blood as mine, you are permitted to take time out from seiges to go hunting.







Ali Iqbal begs and pleads for mercy, offering to empty his pathetic treasury. Unfortunately for him my sons need land. Well maybe not Eudes. But the brilliant ones sure do.







For hundreds of years my noble ancestors have made the mistake of trying to take lands in France. It took me to come along and see that there is an entire subcontinent full of heathens just waiting to have their lands taken from them.​







I grant the title Count of Mallorca to my eldest son and heir, Hugues of Burgundy. As you can see, King Phil has arrived a tad late. I won't hold it against him, even though things looked hairy there for a moment.​
 

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
Wow, thanks for the kind comments everyone!

The game's ongoing, I'll try and update it at least once a day, my personal schedule permitting. There are a lot of pictures to crop and upload.
 

Lt. Tyler

Colonel
18 Badges
Apr 2, 2002
933
0
Visit site
  • Victoria 2
  • Prison Architect
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Stellaris
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • 500k Club
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Deus Vult
  • Crusader Kings II
There were some very funny lines in there. I especially loved the explanation behind the training grounds.

Keep up the good work!

LT
 

germanpeon

Angel of Death
95 Badges
Feb 21, 2007
2.235
0
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Starvoid
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Warlock: Master of the Arcane
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Pride of Nations
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis 4: Emperor
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • A Game of Dwarves
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Heir to the Throne
Ah, the Balearics. A good staging ground for future land-grabs from the heathens. :cool:
 

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1076-1079




My little hunchback turns into a model of chivalry. Just like his dad.







Leaping at the chance to be part of my extended family, the Duke of Champagne wants to marry his brother to my daughter.







Usually the daughter's family supplies the dowry, but for the privilege of marrying one of my children, I expect to be paid. This healthy sum nearly doubles my treasury.







I'm not home for a year before King Phil decides he wants to go on crusade also. I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.







I gather my men and march west. The Egyptians have taken over Navarra. We're going there first.







Now that he's taken all my armies, King Phil wants me to declare war on Egypt myself. That Phil's a real peice of work.







I get a letter from home saying how Henry Jr.'s turned into a lustful and indulgent skirt-chaser. That's daddy's little boy!






The army marches down through Guyenne. A small detachment has already arrived at Navarre, but the main French army is split up into three groups. King Phil begged me to take command of the largest, saying how I was the most brilliant, victorious commander he had ever met and how he had gone over every account of the Battle of Mallorca a dozen times. I decided to once again display my humility and take the second largest group. The Duke of Brittany commands the last group.
 

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1079-1080




My lands continue to suffer from my absence.







But the fight against the Spanish Egyptians goes well! Navarra falls to the French armies, thanks mostly to me. Don't worry Burgundy! I'll be home soon!

That wailing sound I hear must be the peasants crying in anticipation!







Yet another French nobleman begs to be my friend.







I, of course, get the honor of commanding the siege of Rioja. Nearly half my army has perished during the course of the campaign, but it will all be worth it once my standard flies from the ramparts and we reap the sweet, sweet rewards of vict--







King Phil. I swear to God he did that just to humiliate me. He must know everybody likes me more than him.







Well that's good. For a moment there I was afraid that all those ducats in my treasury might spontaneously combust and burn down my hill fort. What would I be without the Pope? Besides happy and rich?







But any mere mortal can sit and whine. I'm Henry, Duke of Burgundy! I'll scrounge up some money and make my friend Pope! That'll show 'em!







Ah, Rouergue has stopped paying homage to Toulouse. My advisor informs me that I am the count's fourth cousin by marriage twice removed, and thus have a perfectly legitimate claim to their title. I file this information for future use.






First King Phil abandons my seige at the last minute, then Rouergue and Gevaudan pull a headfake on me to fool me into using up prestige to claim a title! Is everyone jealous of me? Don't they realize how petty this makes them all look?
 

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
1080-1086




Every...







single...







nobleman...







in France is jealous of me! Fine! I don't need them! They're just jealous! Jealous they all rule places that aren't Burgundy! Burgundy's all I need! We have fine mustard, wine...







...​

But you know what? We're fine, we're fine.





My steward has continued to serve me faithfully for years!







My brother has been with me on every campaign so far!


All my courtiers love me! Well, the Chancellor keeps b$#^%ing about how hard it is to keep up good relations with everyone while I'm - as she says - so goddamn full of myself, but I just tell her she can either continue working for me or just get smallpox and die, stupid b--







I can't take it anymore. I'm too old for this!









On my deathbed, I call each of my loyal courtiers into my chambers to give them my last bits of advice on how to properly run their lives now that I will soon no longer be there to guide them.

They're all honored for the opportunity. They try and hide it, to try and play to my natural modesty, but outside my chambers I can hear them cheering and high-fiving each other.

God bless the little people.​
 

Lord Valentine

Lord Protector of Britain
82 Badges
Jul 5, 2006
999
135
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Rome Gold
  • Sengoku
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Imperator: Rome - Magna Graecia
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
Thus ends Henri "the Awesome". Hugues has great footsteps to follow in. I ask myself if his ego is comparable to that of his father, or he will turn out to be a weak willed whimp. :p

~Lord Valentine~
 
Last edited:

Murmurandus

Crusader for Fun and Profit
84 Badges
Apr 12, 2002
5.876
1
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Naval War: Arctic Circle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Sword of the Stars
  • Victoria 2
  • 200k Club
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • March of the Eagles
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Age of Wonders: Planetfall - Revelations
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Cities in Motion
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Heir to the Throne
Heh, hilarious bunch of updates... :D

Now I think King Phil urgently needs to be unkinged by the brilliant Hugues as his awesome father (and grandfather) passed away untimely... ;)
 

unmerged(82306)

Second Lieutenant
5 Badges
Aug 15, 2007
149
0
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided


The vile pox has finally departed from Burgundy. Smallpox is gone, too.







I suppose I should introduce myself. Duke Hugues. I was Count of Mallorca. My brothers didn't get any land, but they got all the government posts like Spy Master, Marshal and Steward.

All except Eudes, but between you and me I think he has some daddy issues.








Things are gonna change around here. My grandpa Robert built a forestry, and my dad conquered Mallorca. Burgundy needs some real expansion.

I order my knights and barons to get their crap and march south. I don't for sure know where we're going yet, but I'll find something.







One of the little brats is spreading the flu or something around.

Eventually this epidemic will almost wipe out my court.







Sicily is divided into a bunch of small, independent sheikdoms. It's perfect!







It'll be like taking candy from a baby.







Just so nothing can possibly go wrong, I get my men from Mallorca to join in.







What the hell is a jongleur? Sounds like a male prostitute or something. Burgundy has wandering troupes of male prostitutes? My dad messed things up worse than I thought.







Me and my brother Robert meet the armies of the child-sheik of Siracusa on the field of battle.




We emerge victorious and set a seige. I already have plans for Sicily. There's only one man who can stand in my way...​