The mightiest of the north... or well... You shut your face, Harald!

[Apelstav]

Hi everyone and welcome to my kingdom! The greatest place to hang about north of Rome, if you ask me.

What?

Yes, I know it's raining.

When is it going to stop? Stop raining?

You say there's a great ball of fire up there in the sky somewhere, warming the earth? Ha! Begone with you, pagan scum. Such tales are for fisherwives and fools.

*Kicks the audience down from the stage*

Get the next group in!

So, where was I? Ah, yes. The greatest place north of Rome, and I'm the greatest king up here!

No, that's not me. Yes I know he's "the last viking", but screw that. I've got the charm and male vigor of a great king!

*Sigh* No, that's not me either.

Yes, I know Svend can field about as large an army from his own family as I can from my entire kingdom. So what? He's an old fart ruled by his women.

Here's me:

King Erik the Awesome, ruler of All Sweden!

History-buff Narrator: Ah, yes. The tale of Erik Stenkilsson is one faded nearly into entire obscurity...

Hang on there! Obscurity? Me? I'm Erik the Awesome!

History-buff Narrator: Aye, obscurity. Little is known of this man beyond his first name and his war upon Erik the Pagan, but alas, romantic winds have twisted their true origins and in truth we know neither if one was the son of Stenkil nor if the other was pagan...

Oh come on! Insulting my father before he's even cold, are ye? Isn't that a bit under the belt?

History-buff Narrator: Even to name him king of Sweden, a kingdom not yet in existance by his death, is but a lie told centuries after his demise...

And now stealing away my kingliness? Hey mate, it's about the only thing I've got going for me up here. Oh bugger this!

*Erik stomps out of the room*

History-buff Narrator: He left did he? Insolent young man... who was he anyway? No matter. No, it seems clear to us that king Erik was not quite the man the later kings of what became Sweden was, the utter lack of reliable sources more lends to viewing him as a dwarf walking with the giants of his age. Nor was he to be long in this world for he fell in the...

*The narrator suddenly gasps and spits blood*

Ah, good. That shut him up. Maybe I should have waited until he told of where and how I was to die, though?

No... he was clearly a lying pagan! And about pagans, have you met...

Knut the Guard: My king! Your uncle, Erik the Pagan has declared war and comes to take your head? My king? Erik? Hey, did you guys see where he went? Hello? Is this thing even on?


King Erik, King Erik, he's not very good
King Erik, King Erik, he's not where he should
He rules over rocks
But to his uncle they flock

King Erik, King Erik, is he hiding underground?
King Erik, King Erik, will he ever be found?
His dad is just dead
Maybe he wasn't fed
But Erik he is gone
​

 

[Apelstav]

Oh, yeah right. Feeling that I wanted something a bit more lighthearted to work on in between my CoB updates I thought I would give this whole comedy-AAR deal a try. So *drum-roll* here's... ah screw it, the title is at the top. Better presentation might follow if I get around to it.

 

[Kapt Torbjorn]

Glorious! Love the poem haha

 

[Saithis]

You filthy, dirty Swedes. I hope Svend conquers you all.

 

[Apelstav]

The One where Erik finds a Pork Pie

Knut the Guard: So, the king has gone and a thousand bloodthirsty pagans are gathering in the north. I guess it's all up to me? The king's brothers? Oh, drunken fools and sods, the lot of them, or at least Erik always told me so.

Knut the Guard: I kind of realised that gathering some men to face the heathens might be smart. As you se we even got some boats to carry a hundred men from Gotland. I accidentally sent boats enough to get a thousand but hey, a man might hope right?

Knut the Guard: So here's the leader of the Pagans. I think he took all of his hair and glued it to his face. A nice full beard is important up here you know.

*Erik gets pushed back on stage*

Where I've been? Ah, well... eh... I only went to Gotland to gather our forces there. Botstain here were kind enough to give me a ride home. And don't you make fun of his name! He can't help his shoes looks like they do. Walk a mile in a man's shoes before you judge him, me ol'man always said.

Wait, me putting on those boots?

No.

They're icky!

Well, anyway, I've decided that a king really ought to have a queen, so it's about bloody time for me to get married.

What is it Knut?

We have a war to fight and no time to arrange marriages? Ha! You have obviously never seen the Stenkil's capacity for multi-tasking.

King Svend's bastardly lustful daughter Gro will do the trick.

Apparently Gro didn't find it very "romantic" to get married in a muddy field, surrounded by a thousand armed men. Nor that I stole all her friends and families jewelry. I'll show her romance tonight when we mud-wrestle. She can make stuff on me grow anytime.

Rawr.

Gro didn't really like that I made her crown from paper-board, either. Apparently princesses expect something more, especially after you steal all their stuff and sell it to the nearest pawn-shop. This marriage isn't really off to a great start.

Well, to hell with marriage, I say, I have a war to fight. CHARGE!

Quite obviously a king doesn't partake in the battle himself though. I stayed behind guarding the kitchens. One of the Danes who came north with Gro has a real nice recipe for pork pie!


* * *


Gro the maiden ventured north
to find her hero king
but as he marched forth
he left her without a thing

Erik eats and his belly grows
but Gro she schemes
and all around her knows
That Erik loves his pie!

​

 

[Apelstav]

Glorious! Love the poem haha

Thanks! Nothing better than a little vogonish poetry a fine Wednesday evening.

You filthy, dirty Swedes. I hope Svend conquers you all.

Bah! If your'e not nice to Erik the Awesome I might just wright one of my glorious songs about Harald Audensen!

 

[Arilou]

You filthy, dirty Swedes. I hope Svend conquers you all.

We need more Svend-conquers-England AARs.

 

[DisgruntledLemming]

Interesting. I'll be following this and seeing if you can put the last nail in the Norse (religion, not ethnicity) coffin.

Or get your but kicked by Harald. Either way.

 

[mike the knight]

GREAT beggining Apelstav you have the blood of a true poet i see .Now let see if Erik thte Unimportant rolleyes: still hope not for a long ) create a truly noticeable name

 

[Apelstav]

Interesting. I'll be following this and seeing if you can put the last nail in the Norse (religion, not ethnicity) coffin.

Or get your but kicked by Harald. Either way.

Luckily Harald seems to be busy kicking Saxon butt, so Erik's is safe for the moment.

GREAT beggining Apelstav you have the blood of a true poet i see .Now let see if Erik thte Unimportant rolleyes: still hope not for a long ) create a truly noticeable name

Thanks mate!

---

Another update (maybe two) will be up tonight, if I get around to it, otherwise expect it tomorrow

 

[Apelstav]

Oh yeah, I've got this AAR too now, right... Well, an update will come in due time. Maybe in the weekend if I get around to it, but for now, I've got studying to do.

 

[Saithis]

Erik will pay for dragging Gro into this disgraceful mudhole called "Svealand"! Denmark forever!

I love it, by the way. Don't mind my false AAR rivalries showing through.