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Three - Proest of Gresses
Time moves on after the glorious conquests, and more and more it becomes to seem like I may never get to do anything at all. A few game years can get pretty boring, you know! Fortunately, I have unlocked ADM Tech 4 (almost called it Government tech 4, but I didn't! Ha, you can't trip me up today, Paradox!). Unfortunately, I really don't know what set of ideas are the really strong starter ones. So I decided to pick up Offensive Ideas, figuring that would help me leave Habsburg soldiers dead in the river more easily. (Please don't tell me Austria heard that. Did they hear that? No? Good.) Other things I thought about were quantity and defensive. I really wanted a MIL idea first, though looking at it now Diplomatic ideas seem really good to pick up first because of the claim generation and everything. I figured that while the ADM ones are all really good, ADM points are just too precious to be using on ideas this early. Maybe it would've been a good idea to get one of the ADM trees out of the way before late-game though, I'm not really sure. Most of the DIP ones besides Diplomatic are about trade and navies, and, being Bohemia, neither of those sound very appealing. Alas, I can't go back on my word like you used to be able to in EU3. Damn Paradox making it harder for me to be wishy-washy.
Did you hear that? "Whatever decision you make is the best one, Gela!" Why thanks, Pwiw.
Now then, if you remember, last time Austria attempted to illegally gain my territories by abusing their power as emperor. Also known as Austria attempting to get back territory that I was holding illegally, but I'm right and they're wrong, because screw the Habstrolls.
You may be wondering how I have attained such balls of steel that I could deny the Habsburgs right to their face. The answer is that I'm desperately trying to core this province as fast as possible so they can't kill me. Please Austria don't hurt me. pls. But at the very least, I gave them military access after I peaced out because they wanted to be able to get to the Order, understandably. So I mean, you know, that totally h-
Insert curse word I'm not allowed to say here. I do everything I can to prepare, by which I mean sitting my army on the border and hoping that the Habsburgs magically all die or get inbred a century earlier or something. It seems my wishes are paid off, because I manage to core the province without them declaring war. Ha! Take that, inbred freaks! You're a whole bunch of BOBs ((in)Breeding Österreich Bandits).
With that out of the way and my attention freed up at least a little bit, I decide to waste no time in moving north to meet my Green neighbors. A long time ago, I wrote an AAR with Novgorod and talked about how Green was the greatest color, primarily for the purposes of executing yet another effort to be funny and failing miserably. Well guess what. I changed my mind. Haha! You thought you were safe, Pommerania!
Knowing that the chances of Austria letting go of three provinces is somewhere between negative one (where they travel back in time to kill you before they even have to make the choice) and zero (where they just kill you normally), I decide to vassalize them. This will make my nation of poor Czech people into one of slightly less poor Czech people, but still extremely poor. Did I mention that I have no money?
Now, somewhere between here and my next point I get called into a war against Ansbach and Trier. Through clever simultaneous siege completion techniques (moving the one with a higher siege percent out of the province then back in) I deign to gain (hehe) something out of Ansbach, like Trier's vassalage, before Bavaria peaces them out. Unfortunately, it appears that unlike in a Coalition war, the war leader couldn't give me the vassalage of a nation I had completely occupied. That kinda sucks, but whatever.
I decided to check up on the Habsburgs, who I figured were probably continuing to be BOBs (Same as the last time, you only get one per update), but it appeared they managed to blob all over Switzerland and like some other places and stuff. People got mad at them so now there's a big war. Being Blobstria, I'm unsure of who comes out of this one, though I'm getting the feeling Austria just wrecks everyone and ends up even more powerful, because this game hates me.
While all those lovely gentlemen engage in the very respectable art of warfare and battling, I walk up to Ansbach. "Mein gott!" he exclaims after finally noticing that his ally has been occupied. 800 Bavarian soldiers have been sieging the city, so I guess he hasn't been able to get much information. From there, shrewd diplomacy involving reminding him that I've stabbed his best friend continues, and I gain the vassalage of Ansbach. And the ire of Bavaria, but whatever, screw them. I accidentally ate their food once and gained about forty times my daily dose of sweet flavors, so this is payback.
Obtw in that picture Burgundy is murdering the BBB, because why not, it's not like France is called the BBB for a reason or anything, right?
PROEST OF GRESSES
Time moves on after the glorious conquests, and more and more it becomes to seem like I may never get to do anything at all. A few game years can get pretty boring, you know! Fortunately, I have unlocked ADM Tech 4 (almost called it Government tech 4, but I didn't! Ha, you can't trip me up today, Paradox!). Unfortunately, I really don't know what set of ideas are the really strong starter ones. So I decided to pick up Offensive Ideas, figuring that would help me leave Habsburg soldiers dead in the river more easily. (Please don't tell me Austria heard that. Did they hear that? No? Good.) Other things I thought about were quantity and defensive. I really wanted a MIL idea first, though looking at it now Diplomatic ideas seem really good to pick up first because of the claim generation and everything. I figured that while the ADM ones are all really good, ADM points are just too precious to be using on ideas this early. Maybe it would've been a good idea to get one of the ADM trees out of the way before late-game though, I'm not really sure. Most of the DIP ones besides Diplomatic are about trade and navies, and, being Bohemia, neither of those sound very appealing. Alas, I can't go back on my word like you used to be able to in EU3. Damn Paradox making it harder for me to be wishy-washy.
Did you hear that? "Whatever decision you make is the best one, Gela!" Why thanks, Pwiw.
Now then, if you remember, last time Austria attempted to illegally gain my territories by abusing their power as emperor. Also known as Austria attempting to get back territory that I was holding illegally, but I'm right and they're wrong, because screw the Habstrolls.
You may be wondering how I have attained such balls of steel that I could deny the Habsburgs right to their face. The answer is that I'm desperately trying to core this province as fast as possible so they can't kill me. Please Austria don't hurt me. pls. But at the very least, I gave them military access after I peaced out because they wanted to be able to get to the Order, understandably. So I mean, you know, that totally h-
Insert curse word I'm not allowed to say here. I do everything I can to prepare, by which I mean sitting my army on the border and hoping that the Habsburgs magically all die or get inbred a century earlier or something. It seems my wishes are paid off, because I manage to core the province without them declaring war. Ha! Take that, inbred freaks! You're a whole bunch of BOBs ((in)Breeding Österreich Bandits).
With that out of the way and my attention freed up at least a little bit, I decide to waste no time in moving north to meet my Green neighbors. A long time ago, I wrote an AAR with Novgorod and talked about how Green was the greatest color, primarily for the purposes of executing yet another effort to be funny and failing miserably. Well guess what. I changed my mind. Haha! You thought you were safe, Pommerania!
Knowing that the chances of Austria letting go of three provinces is somewhere between negative one (where they travel back in time to kill you before they even have to make the choice) and zero (where they just kill you normally), I decide to vassalize them. This will make my nation of poor Czech people into one of slightly less poor Czech people, but still extremely poor. Did I mention that I have no money?
Now, somewhere between here and my next point I get called into a war against Ansbach and Trier. Through clever simultaneous siege completion techniques (moving the one with a higher siege percent out of the province then back in) I deign to gain (hehe) something out of Ansbach, like Trier's vassalage, before Bavaria peaces them out. Unfortunately, it appears that unlike in a Coalition war, the war leader couldn't give me the vassalage of a nation I had completely occupied. That kinda sucks, but whatever.
I decided to check up on the Habsburgs, who I figured were probably continuing to be BOBs (Same as the last time, you only get one per update), but it appeared they managed to blob all over Switzerland and like some other places and stuff. People got mad at them so now there's a big war. Being Blobstria, I'm unsure of who comes out of this one, though I'm getting the feeling Austria just wrecks everyone and ends up even more powerful, because this game hates me.
While all those lovely gentlemen engage in the very respectable art of warfare and battling, I walk up to Ansbach. "Mein gott!" he exclaims after finally noticing that his ally has been occupied. 800 Bavarian soldiers have been sieging the city, so I guess he hasn't been able to get much information. From there, shrewd diplomacy involving reminding him that I've stabbed his best friend continues, and I gain the vassalage of Ansbach. And the ire of Bavaria, but whatever, screw them. I accidentally ate their food once and gained about forty times my daily dose of sweet flavors, so this is payback.
Obtw in that picture Burgundy is murdering the BBB, because why not, it's not like France is called the BBB for a reason or anything, right?
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iBOBs, perhaps?
Okay, Austria hates you, Burgundy hates France, you hate Pommerania because they remind you of your soured love of green... Looks like one big European lovefest all around.
Or make em worse, that will make it even better
No more lurking for me by saying: *subbed days ago*
Coolio dude. Get on board the train!
Cool. I'll jump into the Bohemian bandwagon while I still can
Sweeeeeeet!
Ahh... I understand.
Yeah, though not quite as delicious as a second lunch.
Yeah! Screw the pope! I'm basically gonna go full Kaiser Heinrich on him.
the pope works like this: you vote for a cardinal, and if you have the most points, the cardinal is allied with you. you need the most allied cardinals in the conclave to be voted pope. basically. but being pope isnt all that great anyway
Ah, so you don't just get randomly assigned popery anymore? Neat.
Rebels only I think, which is kinda unfortunate since the Hussite wars were worse in the time after EU3's start. Also I think they all hate me but it has nothing to do with being Hussite.
Yea. Same here.
iBOBs, perhaps?
Okay, Austria hates you, Burgundy hates France, you hate Pommerania because they remind you of your soured love of green... Looks like one big European lovefest all around.
Well you know what they say about European lovers.
Too late for that, my friend.
Do i see people sieging some Austrian land? Looks like they have a huge mess in their hands.
Austria have become the true trolls of the HRE. Nice update. Burgundy and France are really going at it. Just as well Burgundy's not in the HRE this time around.
Check the game files, but my thoughts are that they were only put into the HRE last time to stop the BBB from eating them early on.
Four - Chihuahua Baby Steps
That's right, we're not only taking baby steps, but Chihuahua-sized ones. I think that's better.. but they're smaller.. agh. Nevermind, on to the AAR.
I have great news gentlemen! Bohemia is to become a regional superpower! The results of the wars between Austria and the "Screw Austria" coalition have come in, and I've been informed that a staggering defeat has been inflicted on Austria, with all of their provinces occupied and their armies defeated. I'm sure they've had to cede most of their territory and will be losing the Large Nation in HRE bonus.. though I hope the people they had to cede them to aren't too bi---
"Uh, Gela, I think you're getting ahead of yourself,"
Shut up Pwiw, you're supposed to compliment me, not tell me that obviously true things are false. I mean who occupies such a large nation and doesn't even take a single province? Ha! That would be silly, not even the AI could be that stupid.
Oh.
Well then. That's kind of depressing. By kind of, I mean incredibly depressing, and all the hope I had to become a rising star has now vanished. Still, the Czech people will triumph in the face of adversity! The first step is to make sure that the next coalition also succeeds, and the one after that, and the one after that. Austria can never be allowed to grow again. There's a clear way to assure the success of the Empire against Habsburg trash, and even my limited knowledge of the mechanic will not stop me from tapping into its dark power.
You see, now I'm in a coalition against Austria, which is helping pin them down so that they have trouble expanding beyond their borders. Even a baddie like me can have a good strategic thought once in a while! Of course, now I have free reign over North Germany because there's no coalition against me, and I have strong allies. Seriously, no coalition against me, can you believe it? I mean I really hope they don't form a coalition against me. DAMMIT I FEEL SO UNLOVED PLEASE FORM ONE.
Note to self: Careful what you wish for. Being lonely is totally worth not having a coalition against you. But at least people acknowledge my existence, and that's the first step to world domination.
United behind the excellent king Jiri, the nobles of Bohemia were the most united and loyal people in the entire Empire. Who would dare question the leadership of a Hussite, especially with someone as intelligent and cunning as the Blue Lion/Spider Thing Called Gela pulling his strings? I mean, except for these BOBs (Branded Oily Bohemians). But who cares about some measly thing like high treason?
Yeah well screw them, they can go be all noble and stuff. While my aristocracy is being gaseous, I'm plotting. Plotting a wonderful, wonderful idea, that will be the beginning of Czech domination. "What can it possibly be, Gela? After all you're bad so it can't be that good..." Shut up! I'm amazing, even if I explicitly said in the first post that I'm terrible! I just have a few mental issues that made me think I wasn't the best player in the world, temporarily. Or rather, my understanding was corrected after I came up with this plan. You see, no inferior player could dare to...
... hit the Annex Vassal button! That's right, I will be annexing Silesia and therefore adding Ratibor, as well as 2,000 soldiers to my domain. I might as well have already won the game, right?
Okay, okay, I've just been informed that wasn't too spectacular. But I promise that by the end of this AAR you'll have seen something that will blow your Paradoxian mind. Don't even worry about it, it'll happen. Nothing you can do to stop it.
Speaking of spectacular events, it seems Bohemia has begun the first actual step towards taking the first actual step towards domination. That's right, a single other elector is now voting for me, and in the aftermath of the Austrian-Anti-Austrian-Coalition war, the electorate has found itself divided, not wanting to vote in the unstable Habsburgs yet again (primarily because they are inbred freaks), and thus they are voting for weak, spineless fools. I, the Czech soon-to-be-Emperor King (or his closest adviser anyway, I'm not really sure what role you're supposed to play in this. Though sometimes I fancy myself as an immortal spider, sort of like an Ashantai AAR) will stabilize the empire. The second and third steps towards taking the first step towards that, are, of course, gaining more electoral votes.
CHIHUAHUA BABY STEPS
That's right, we're not only taking baby steps, but Chihuahua-sized ones. I think that's better.. but they're smaller.. agh. Nevermind, on to the AAR.
I have great news gentlemen! Bohemia is to become a regional superpower! The results of the wars between Austria and the "Screw Austria" coalition have come in, and I've been informed that a staggering defeat has been inflicted on Austria, with all of their provinces occupied and their armies defeated. I'm sure they've had to cede most of their territory and will be losing the Large Nation in HRE bonus.. though I hope the people they had to cede them to aren't too bi---
"Uh, Gela, I think you're getting ahead of yourself,"
Shut up Pwiw, you're supposed to compliment me, not tell me that obviously true things are false. I mean who occupies such a large nation and doesn't even take a single province? Ha! That would be silly, not even the AI could be that stupid.
Oh.
Well then. That's kind of depressing. By kind of, I mean incredibly depressing, and all the hope I had to become a rising star has now vanished. Still, the Czech people will triumph in the face of adversity! The first step is to make sure that the next coalition also succeeds, and the one after that, and the one after that. Austria can never be allowed to grow again. There's a clear way to assure the success of the Empire against Habsburg trash, and even my limited knowledge of the mechanic will not stop me from tapping into its dark power.
You see, now I'm in a coalition against Austria, which is helping pin them down so that they have trouble expanding beyond their borders. Even a baddie like me can have a good strategic thought once in a while! Of course, now I have free reign over North Germany because there's no coalition against me, and I have strong allies. Seriously, no coalition against me, can you believe it? I mean I really hope they don't form a coalition against me. DAMMIT I FEEL SO UNLOVED PLEASE FORM ONE.
Note to self: Careful what you wish for. Being lonely is totally worth not having a coalition against you. But at least people acknowledge my existence, and that's the first step to world domination.
United behind the excellent king Jiri, the nobles of Bohemia were the most united and loyal people in the entire Empire. Who would dare question the leadership of a Hussite, especially with someone as intelligent and cunning as the Blue Lion/Spider Thing Called Gela pulling his strings? I mean, except for these BOBs (Branded Oily Bohemians). But who cares about some measly thing like high treason?
Yeah well screw them, they can go be all noble and stuff. While my aristocracy is being gaseous, I'm plotting. Plotting a wonderful, wonderful idea, that will be the beginning of Czech domination. "What can it possibly be, Gela? After all you're bad so it can't be that good..." Shut up! I'm amazing, even if I explicitly said in the first post that I'm terrible! I just have a few mental issues that made me think I wasn't the best player in the world, temporarily. Or rather, my understanding was corrected after I came up with this plan. You see, no inferior player could dare to...
... hit the Annex Vassal button! That's right, I will be annexing Silesia and therefore adding Ratibor, as well as 2,000 soldiers to my domain. I might as well have already won the game, right?
Okay, okay, I've just been informed that wasn't too spectacular. But I promise that by the end of this AAR you'll have seen something that will blow your Paradoxian mind. Don't even worry about it, it'll happen. Nothing you can do to stop it.
Speaking of spectacular events, it seems Bohemia has begun the first actual step towards taking the first actual step towards domination. That's right, a single other elector is now voting for me, and in the aftermath of the Austrian-Anti-Austrian-Coalition war, the electorate has found itself divided, not wanting to vote in the unstable Habsburgs yet again (primarily because they are inbred freaks), and thus they are voting for weak, spineless fools. I, the Czech soon-to-be-Emperor King (or his closest adviser anyway, I'm not really sure what role you're supposed to play in this. Though sometimes I fancy myself as an immortal spider, sort of like an Ashantai AAR) will stabilize the empire. The second and third steps towards taking the first step towards that, are, of course, gaining more electoral votes.
Being an immortal spider is overrated.
You tend to end up with needy people hanging around, and even turkey and champagne gets boring after a few years.
Nice progress!
You tend to end up with needy people hanging around, and even turkey and champagne gets boring after a few years.
Nice progress!
Having been subjected to (commercials for) Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I can sincerely state that I can't stand chihuahuas. Guilt by association and all that.
Now, having said that, I am impressed with your continued efforts to Keep The Man DownTM, that man being a war-torn Austria. And you also expanded your realm, which is awesome too. So, good job! Never mind the immortal spiders, let's have it for Immortal Bohemia!
Now, having said that, I am impressed with your continued efforts to Keep The Man DownTM, that man being a war-torn Austria. And you also expanded your realm, which is awesome too. So, good job! Never mind the immortal spiders, let's have it for Immortal Bohemia!
Being an immortal spider is overrated.
You tend to end up with needy people hanging around, and even turkey and champagne gets boring after a few years.
Nice progress!
I dunno, if I was a spider, I would find being capable of eating turkey and drinking champagne to be rather great. Now I'm imagining a tiny champagne glass made for arachnid use.
Bohemia Invicta!
Cologne:Bohemia'sThe Immortal Spider's only friend in the world.
I'm crying so much. But I will have more friends soon. You'll see. You'll all see!
Five A - The Real Beginning
First of all, my friends, allow me to write an obituary for a good friend. We hardly knew him, but how great he was. Indeed, the Duchy of Burgundy rose in a time dominated by baguettes, berets, and other French Bs. It moved swiftly into the lands of le bleus and came out occupying provinces. Unfortunately, the great Black Stripe plague came and took him before he could realize his true greatness. A moment of silence, if you will.
While his misery has not quite ended yet, the outcome is rather obvious.
Fortunately, in the beautiful lands of the CzechRepubli Kingdom, things are much more sunny. That is, if the sun was green. Because in this game, good is green. Er, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What I'm trying to get across to you lovely people is that I have lots and lots of technology, okay? Like seriously, so much technology. I mean you won't believe this. Really. Okay whatever just look at the map.
See what I mean? Bohemia has become a shining beacon of progress for all the world to follow. And that's not because of ideas, many of my neighbors (notably Austria) haven't even acquired the level of collective intelligence yet in order to have an idea. Or group of ideas, as it would be, since this is EU4. Unfortunately, they seem to feel that many of my ideas are rather offensive.
Despite that, I have made yet another friend. Due to the division amongst the other electors, we've nowbribed won over enough electors to get the votes required to become emperor... if the current one would just die. Why can't this be CK2? I want to make this emperor into some Habsburger, if you get what I mean. Except not really, because Bohemians aren't cannibals. We leave that savagery to the Austrians, who are most certainly cannibals, amongst many other terrible atrocities, like murder, heresy (heh), and poor music.
And, our campaign of friendship and ponies pays off in May of 1466. You see, primarily through no effort of mine Austria completely screwed themselves over, and the elector mechanics are like literally the exact same as they were in EU3. But I'll say that I learned something by becoming the man behind Jiri, Holy Roman Emperor. Progress, right?
Unfortunately, I quickly find out this isn't as stupid OP as it was in EU3. The forcelimits gained don't help since I lose money if I make more than another five or so regiments, and while the manpower and extra diplomatic relations are nice, I'm left feeling rather underwhelmed. I'm sure there's something to it I'm not seeing however, because I have a tendency to be rather blind.
The scales are lifted near immediately from my eyes as I get a notification of a new CB. Apparently one of the dutch minors that has risen in the aftermath of the death of Burgundy annexed another, and I get a CB that allows conquest of not just the illegitimate province but all of their provinces.
This is pretty great. I don't want to rack up too much AE because I want to stay emperor and I don't want to ganged like Austria was, and this CB definitely helps me with that because of the massive relations penalty reduction. And as such, it looks like we're marching halfway across the empire. Corrupt Policemen: Imperial Liberation Edition, coming soon to a theater (of war) near you.
THE REAL BEGINNING
First of all, my friends, allow me to write an obituary for a good friend. We hardly knew him, but how great he was. Indeed, the Duchy of Burgundy rose in a time dominated by baguettes, berets, and other French Bs. It moved swiftly into the lands of le bleus and came out occupying provinces. Unfortunately, the great Black Stripe plague came and took him before he could realize his true greatness. A moment of silence, if you will.
While his misery has not quite ended yet, the outcome is rather obvious.
Fortunately, in the beautiful lands of the Czech
See what I mean? Bohemia has become a shining beacon of progress for all the world to follow. And that's not because of ideas, many of my neighbors (notably Austria) haven't even acquired the level of collective intelligence yet in order to have an idea. Or group of ideas, as it would be, since this is EU4. Unfortunately, they seem to feel that many of my ideas are rather offensive.
Despite that, I have made yet another friend. Due to the division amongst the other electors, we've now
And, our campaign of friendship and ponies pays off in May of 1466. You see, primarily through no effort of mine Austria completely screwed themselves over, and the elector mechanics are like literally the exact same as they were in EU3. But I'll say that I learned something by becoming the man behind Jiri, Holy Roman Emperor. Progress, right?
Unfortunately, I quickly find out this isn't as stupid OP as it was in EU3. The forcelimits gained don't help since I lose money if I make more than another five or so regiments, and while the manpower and extra diplomatic relations are nice, I'm left feeling rather underwhelmed. I'm sure there's something to it I'm not seeing however, because I have a tendency to be rather blind.
The scales are lifted near immediately from my eyes as I get a notification of a new CB. Apparently one of the dutch minors that has risen in the aftermath of the death of Burgundy annexed another, and I get a CB that allows conquest of not just the illegitimate province but all of their provinces.
This is pretty great. I don't want to rack up too much AE because I want to stay emperor and I don't want to ganged like Austria was, and this CB definitely helps me with that because of the massive relations penalty reduction. And as such, it looks like we're marching halfway across the empire. Corrupt Policemen: Imperial Liberation Edition, coming soon to a theater (of war) near you.
A terminal case of black-stripe-itis?
Not sure I understand all the intricacies of your heretical Holy Roman Emperorship, but if it means you get props for beating up on hapless minors, then I'm all for it. Plus, C-PILE sounds pretty cool.
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Great stuff. I like the idea of a tiny spider glass....
I do wonder though how you're going to control Gelre even if you do conquer it though!
I do wonder though how you're going to control Gelre even if you do conquer it though!
Just finished reading this, I'm happy I decided to Czeching it out (yes bad pun I'm so funny!... Not)
(yes bad pun I'm so funny!... Not)
Huzzah! As the official Corrupt Imperial Policeman™ of the HRE, Bohemia's bound to make a sea of new friends and acquaintances! Unless you go all tyrannical and try to centralise the HRE through Reichsreforms that is.
This is really good. I will follow it. I admit it is hard to keep a straight face while doing so.
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