Two - Bohemian Gangster
BOHEMIAN GANGSTER
Welcome back, dear reader! I'm so glad you could make it. If you missed the epic tale of my trials and tribulations from the comments because you're here to actually read the AAR and not particularly keen on anything else, well you should definitely start commenting. The fact that you aren't is why I'm totally not going to tell you about how I screwed up and only autosaved and never manual saved my game, so that when I went to play another one I lost the game as Bohemia. Thus, I decided to ask the question "Should I continue with Bohemia, which as far as I can see is sandwiched between strong neighbors and has limited expansion and X, Y, Z? Or should I play someone else?" to my crowd of faithful readers (who comment, which again, you should do. Like Pwiw always does.)
Because I'm a real man, I decided to stick with Bohemia and just play back up to roughly where I was, taking the same option with the Hussite event (again, real man). Only notable difference is this time I opened with fabricating a claim on Neumark. Why? Because the Teutonic Order is a bunch of stupid poopy pantses, and also because I figured they'll eventually get distracted by a war with someone else so it should be a cakewalk to take the province and core it.
Time to stop catching you up and get into the action. By action I mean absolutely nothing is happening and I'm just hitting buttons awaiting the perfect opportunity, like a Bohemian panther, waiting to strike. I was going to say Bohemian cougar, but I was informed by the voice inside my head that such a thing could be misconstrued, and being a perfectly respectable person, I couldn't live with that.
Speaking of clicking buttons, I'm not entirely sure where this event came from because I don't have any elections, and the HRE wasn't being elected or anything like that. Also not sure what the Palatinate had to do with anything, I guess because they're really mad that someone else besides them is the emperor (this event must be something to do with the HRE since I'm a monarchy...) and they missed the memo that they're not the Pal
patinate. Sorry, no more bad jokes.*
Soon after, the Brandenburg-Austria coalition which always forms in every single one of my games, including test games as Bohemia, declares war on the Order for Neumark. I take the opportunity to do a little waltz up there like a schoolyard bully and steal the Teutons' lunch money. Ah, to relive the days in 1399 where Bohemia was the greatest bully of all time. We shall return to those days soon, my brothers! Though the first step to that is stop doing the waltz before we steal people's money. That's not very intimidating.
Wait, no, we're Bohemia. We decide what's intimidating!
though I don't think it's possible to make the waltz intimidating
Brandenburg and Austria's crew showed up and were all like "Ey dog, why you stealin' his money? He's our properteh." Now, immediately confused as to why such dignified people were talking like a mixture of a gangster from a bad movie about Detroit and an old man from the Florida panhandle, I taunted them. "What are you gonna do?!" I told my computer screen as I could just feel the radiant hatred of all the virtual Austrians in the game. In hindsight, taunting Blobstria was probably a bad idea.
Oh, their idea about doing something about it was sticking 31k in Neumark so that it caused ridiculous attrition and I lost a ton of money from having to pay the extra maintenance to reinforce. Damn BOB strategy (Billions Of Brandenburgers (and Austrians, actually mostly them.)).
Meanwhile, this awesome gentleman with the weird eyepiece goggle things that fold in his hand decides to be totally excellent. I think this was like a free stab point, 25 prestige, and 50 admin power. Definitely Bill-and-Ted tier excellent, up in here. This Hussite government is seriously gettin' down to business. Who needs Rome to be an effective administrator, anyway? I took the administrative option because I've heard that military points seriously start to rack up because you don't have a whole lot to use them on. So I figure it's probably a good habit to get into gaining admin points whenever possible, even if I'm really bad at using them so it doesn't really matter. (Wow! An actual "learning the game" part in
my learning AAR?! Heresy. Then again, I am a Hussite, so...)
Back to the war, it appears the lunch money has been effectively jacked and the Austrian protection racket is falling apart. Or losing a member, but I like to think I'm totally screwing them over. You see, I really wanted this province because it gives me access to more neighbors, and Austria can't be there to stop me from jacking ALL of their lunch money(s?). Now all I have to do is hope I can core it before Austria demands the unlawful territory, right? After all, them Hussites be Husslin', we can get that core real quick like!
Well......... GG.
*Total lies, the bad jokes will continue. You'll just have to sit there, and maybe eat some Czechs Mix. Or you could just stop reading, but you don't wanna do that, because bad jokes are actually great.
