The Marginally Amusing Misadventures of Gela: Learning EU4

[gela1212]

INTRO​

Ladies and gentlemen! I welcome you! We should rejoice, as one, for the game many of us have been awaiting for so long has finally arrived. From the divine mind of Johan, realized through the hands of his Swedish secret agents in the form of Paradox coders and scripters, and finally into the waiting steam libraries of loyal fans. Truly a remarkable journey, both for the game and for us, who have been so lovingly provided with development diaries leading up to release.

So, then, everything is all wonderful in Paradoxia, isn't it? Well, I've been having fun! If you haven't, you may be what I refer to as a BOB (Boring Onion-eating Bastard). Unfortunately, I do have one minor problem with the game. By minor problem I mean a staggeringly huge one, and conveniently, this problem is also the point of this thread and the AAR that is to follow! I have no idea what I'm doing.

Wait, that's wrong. What I meant to say was that I have less of an idea regarding how to play this game than a 2-year-old monkey from 1927. Not one that's been teleported into our time, but actually in 1927. Yeah, I'm that bad. Don't believe me? I have managed to screw up a shockingly large array of nations, from Aragon to Lithuania and then back again, or at least I would have but I also ran out of gas in the magic horse on the return trip. (I had to go to sleep so I could wake up and finish a thing for my Psych class).

Thus, I have come to the conclusion that I truly need to actually learn the game, because it's kind of embarrassing to be at least decent at every other Paradox game but more trash than that grumpy guy on Sesame Street at EU4. So, this AAR will be me trying, and most likely failing, to lead a country from 1444 to 1821, successfully.

Now let's get to the settings. You see, while I may be a code S baddie, I have a large amount of pride, so I can't stand to play on anything less than an even playing field. So we'll be doing NO lucky nations, NORMAL difficulty, and NO bonuses.

Are you hyped yet? Probably not, primarily because you're just reading about some random guy who you most likely haven't even heard of before playing a video game, but I am. "But Gela, I am totally a huge fanboy of yours and I love you and I am so excited! Just tell me what country you are playing!" Well, person who I wish existed outside of my head, I won't tell you. Yet. You'll find out in the first update! In the meantime, here's some hints:

We will be working with a country in Central Europe. I really wanted to do Korea, but I was hopelessly lost despite them starting with a leader who is basically the creator of the universe (so much so that I'm surprised that his name isn't NesTea, seeing as how this is Korea we're talking about). This particular country has a rich history and is very different from all of its neighbors, especially those in the establishment it frequents. (I imagine these places as really fancy medieval restaurants where Flagland-esque characters meet to talk about the world and bicker at each other.)

If that's not enough for you to figure it out, you'll just have to wait! Sorry!

 

[Toadsmash]

Hahaha. That's a winning first post. Subscribed.

 

[Ashantai]

You know I'm always here for your awesome AARs. Subscribed!

 

[Belgiumruler]

Subbeddebub

 

[LordTempest]

If the subsequent updates are as funny as the intro, you can definitely count me in for the duration!

 

[MrQwerty]

But gela, Athens isn't in Central Europe

I wish you good luck.

 

[Avindian]

A new gela AAR?! EUIV just got even more awesome!

 

[gela1212]

Hahaha. That's a winning first post. Subscribed.

Nice! Great to have you long.

You know I'm always here for your awesome AARs. Subscribed!

Sweet! Always love having you.

Subbeddebub

Awesome to have you out here, as well.

If the subsequent updates are as funny as the intro, you can definitely count me in for the duration!

I will try to make as many bad jokes as possible. No worries.

But gela, Athens isn't in Central Europe

I wish you good luck.

Damn, it seems you're right! Perhaps another time my geography will be correct, hopefully coinciding with a time when I'm good enough to not die instantly as Athens.

A new gela AAR?! EUIV just got even more awesome!

EUIV's new motto: Blue Lions and other stuff. Thank me later, Paradox.

 

[gela1212]

One - Czech it Out!

CZECH IT OUT​

Hello wonderful reader. As always, it's great that you've decided to use your eyeballs and thinking power on reading this particular work of video game fiction. As you might guess from my absolutely terrible, awful, horrific title, we will be playing as Bohemia. Along for the ride with us is PWIWEOMH (Person Who I Wish Existed Outside My Head), or as I like to call him, Pwiw, because remembering that many letters perfectly every time would probably take more effort than the rest of the update combined. Also because attempting to say pwih-wuh sounds like a word from a bad sci-fi language, whereas pwih-wuh-ee-oh-muh sounds like it could be conceivably be a thing somewhere in the world, and seeming like I might speak a language besides English would hurt my American cred pretty badly. That is a risk I cannot take.

So, Pwiw, anything to say? "Well, Gela, as always I really love you and you're the best and all, but what's your plan going into this game?" Well, that's a good question, and one which I have no answer to! Why? Because preparation is for people who are actually good at this game, and good is not what I am. Alternatively, there's the explanation that hurts my ego less, and that's the one where I don't really know what Bohemia is capable of because I haven't played them yet.

In EU3's 1399 start, Bohemia was one of the strongest early-game nations on the map, having a huge forcelimit from being HRE resulting in a larger army than any of their neighbors, and a large amount of expansion room to their east. In EU4's 1444, however, things are a little different. Let's take a look at the Political View Thing™.

As we can see, we are along the border of the HRE, and have lots of small minors around us. We'll be Czeching those out later, if you know I mean. Also nearby is Austria, and kinda-worth-mentioning-but-not-really Brandenburg, who only has three provinces as opposed to EU3's 4. (In 3 it's 4 and in 4 it's 3. This bugs me so much that in the future I will probably change the start dates for the respective games just because of that.)

Also, to our east lies Poland and to the southeast lies Hungary. Once, we were united. That ended somewhat badly. By somewhat I mean very badly. Conveniently, all three start with a form of regency at the beginning of the game. Hungary has a straight up Regency Council, Poland has an Interregnum, and I have this weird thing that I don't really understand and stuff.

At first I thought it was just a ruler without a last name. I was kind of happy about that, because as CK2 taught me, basically anyone who belongs to a dynasty is a BOB (Buttery Omnicidal Bear). Unfortunately, it appears it's not. I tried looking it up on wikipedia but it didn't make a whole lot of sense, so I'm just assuming it's literally the exact same thing as an Interregnum, but in moon language.

I actually tried claiming a throne before I realized my unfortunate circumstances, and I am also ineligible for Holy Roman Emperor. This whole situation is rather unfortunate, and most certainly not what I expected. So I pick up an Administrative adviser in order to hit the first set of national ideas as fast as possible. (I'm pretending that I didn't just find out advisers give points right before this game, because it makes me look less terrible).

I figure the extra prestige will be nice for when I want to start getting PUs, and because it'll help out with a couple of other things. Also he gives admin points. Did I mention he gives admin points?

I turn my Royal Marriage with Anhalt around into an attempt to diplo-vassalize them, especially since I remembered that in EU4 PUs take 50 years before you can even think about inheriting them, and even then they have a rather low chance.

I take a quick look at the trade screen, but I have no ships and my other merchant is already steering trade, so I quickly close it and get onto things that involve more bloodshed. Or I would, but I'm in a weird Bohemian Rhapsoterregnum.

Fortunately that ends soon, as I get this super sexy event that basically gives me a above average ruler for free (the other option is like 30 pretender regiments or something like that, so basically there's only one option, because Paradox apparently takes their lessons in illusions of free choice from the public school system).

And thus, in a rather unceremonious takeover, I am now headed by a new king, and I must seek out blood. But Austria is still allied to everyone. Crap.

Until next time, me and Pwiw will see ya later!

 

[Ashantai]

Nice start!

Trollemia doesn't look anywhere near as strong this time.

 

[Webstantine]

Good luck.

 

[InnocentIII]

Looking good. The HRE should be a fun choice to learn the game

 

[Nephilia]

Looking forward to this!

 

[Stuyvesant]

You still know more about playing the game than I do, so I stand in awe* at your ability to advance time in the game and obtain a monarch.

*This could conceivably become less so if I ever get round to actually playing the game, as opposed to loading it up and finding out it's time to go to bed before I have selected a country.

 

[LordTempest]

*This could conceivably become less so if I ever get round to actually playing the game, as opposed to loading it up and finding out it's time to go to bed before I have selected a country.

Try leaving your PC on overnight then maybe?

 

[Webstantine]

I have the problem that I can't choose a country to play.

 

[Belgiumruler]

I have the problem that I can't choose a country to play.

pick Castille or Portugal

 

[LordTempest]

I have the problem that I can't choose a country to play.

You could always do what I did and mod in your own...

Alternatively, try Tuscany.

 

[Webstantine]

I can't mod, though me and Tuscany have a... history together, so that could work!

 

[gela1212]

Well I'm an idiot and forgot to save beyond an autosave, so when I went to play a different game for awhile so that I wouldn't get too far ahead of the AAR I lost the save, lol...

So, just tell me, would you prefer to still see Bohemia, or would you rather have Bavaria, Japan, an Indian, or Ottomans?