Book Three Chapter Thirty-One
THIRTY-ONE
Bishop Takes Duchess (and Other Bad Moves)
28 March 1091 – 21 September 1093
Bishop Takes Duchess (and Other Bad Moves)
28 March 1091 – 21 September 1093
‘Please. Please, Zbi, not here! … Oh, Zbi! Zbi, please, no… not here…’
‘Then, Míra, my sweet: where should we go?’
‘Take me to your bed… take me, Zbi… you know I’m yours… I’ll let you do anything to me there…’
‘Oh, Míra. But you’re such a sweet and beautiful creature I can’t resist! Every word you whisper makes me burn! And it’s dark in here… don’t worry, no one ever comes here this late…’
If any of the servants or any of the other guests heard the sounds of rustling fabric being shed, or heavy breathing and gasping, or a duet of female voices—one mezzo, one soprano—in a crescendo of heated passion, none of them said anything to anyone else.
Instead, it was Kráľ Tomáš who, innocently enough at this hour, went to get himself a little snack from his vassal’s pantry. Just a bit of cheese or a nice bunch of fresh grapes would do the trick. He suppressed a burp and patted his expanding waistline with a meaty hand. Unfortunately, he had to acknowledge that Ricciarda had been right in telling him to cut back a bit on the snacks… which he would do, right after he had this one.
Perhaps it was because he was mired in thoughts like this, of his hunger of the stomach, that he ignored the sounds of the hunger of the loins coming from behind the heavy door between him and his destination. Heedlessly he swung the door open wide, and two female forms greeted his eyes, one young and fair and the other older and slightly arthritic, in a highly-compromised position against one of the pantry shelves. It was clear that the two of them had been interrupted in a bout of spirited sapphism.
Quickly Tomáš shut the door to leave the two of them in privacy—he had no desire whatever to expose them to censure and mockery—but behind him at least seven pairs of eyes, both noble and common, had already seen the same thing he had.
Tomáš turned around, clapped his hands together, cleared his throat and proclaimed loudly: ‘Zvonimír! Bring more wine! My throat is dry!’
But the damage had already been done, and worse—the king knew it. His heart wrung itself for Jaromíra’s sake. She’d always been such a demure, sensible girl! How could she let herself be seduced into fornication like this… by another woman? Poor Jaromíra Rychnovská! Poor Burgomistress Zbislava! Tomáš fretted over those two the rest of the night, long after they came out of the pantry fully-clothed and with heads lowered in mortification… he was sure they were due for some harsh penance by Bishop Horislav. At least this foolishness would not do any damage to Jaromíra’s virginity, though that was small comfort to the king, who continued kicking himself inwardly over his equally-sinful gluttony.
‘Uf!’ Hrabě Zvonimír exclaimed, plonking himself down next to the king with a goblet of wine. ‘Busy night, eh? Gave me a bit of a shock, tell you the truth.’
‘Yes,’ Tomáš said miserably. ‘And it’s all my fault! If only I’d let well alone and hadn’t gone raiding you!’
‘Well, if you’re fretting on my account—don’t,’ Zvonimír told the king bracingly. ‘I’ve got food and drink to spare; you’re not eating me out of anything I can’t afford. And if you’re fretting on their account—don’t! No honours were breached—women can’t do between them, you know, not without help—and the penances will be light.’
‘Mm,’ Tomáš’s pudgy face, now nose-down in his goblet, still took a long expression.
‘Say,’ Zvonimír still tried to cheer the king up. ‘At least you’ve got a grandson who can pray for you and fight for your salvation in a lavra now, right? Miloslav… following in Bishop Ignac’s footsteps! Or—what’s his monastic name now?’
‘Melet,’ Tomáš answered glumly. ‘Seems rather fitting he’d choose an Antiochian saint as his patron, given his father just came back from there.’
‘So… would that mean Prisnec is third in line now?’ asked Zvonimír.
‘Mm,’ Tomáš nodded again, warming a little to Zvonimír. ‘He’s such a dear boy. Handsome, like his father—that’s Ricciarda’s doing, none of mine. I’ve got such a fat round face. Only thing that reminds me of me in him is his hair. Keeps his nose down, does his work, never complains. He really is the spitting image of Bohodar; I’m sure he’ll make a fine king someday…’
‘Children,’ Zvonimír chuckled. ‘They’ll always surprise you, won’t they? No, you’re right—Prisnec’s a good lad, you’ve done well with him. I truly wish I could do so well by my children.’
‘Oh, you’re a fine father, I’m sure,’ Tomáš complimented his host. ‘I’ve seen you with your children; you’re strict but kind. I fear I’m far too indulgent with mine; I can never say no to them.’
‘If it pleases my liege, I can give you a few pointers there,’ said the hrabě eagerly. ‘Children like rules and structure—it makes them feel safe. I’m sure you know that well, my liege; but it’s all about setting boundaries, you see…’
Tomáš and Zvonimír talked children and parenting for the rest of the evening, until the embarrassing incident with Jaromíra and the burgomistress had been nearly forgotten. It struck the king just then how lucky he was to have a vassal who was a decent family man and a good father, and who was also so attentive to the needs of his guests. He would have to call again on his vassal—or, better yet, treat him to the hospitality of Olomouc! Even just speaking with him was a pleasure that eased the king’s mind.
Unfortunately, this would not be the end of the scandals in the Rychnovský family. Tomáš would be given several headaches in a row by his ill-behaved, incontinent and adulterous kinfolk.
First of all was that ninny Ján whom Mstivoj had left in charge of Dolné Sliezsko. The stupid boy had been senseless enough to go poking his vassal’s wife Svetluša, who wasn’t a day if she wasn’t three times his age! True, the Rychnovský men did seem to have a penchant for older women, but the idea of Ján and Svetluša—a married woman far past her childbearing years!—together, was nauseating. Tomáš put the advice Hrabě Zvonimír had given him about being firm to good use on Ján, who left Tomáš’s study downcast and shamefaced. Svetluša, who could now boast of an adulterous conquest of a tom fool young enough to be her grandson, Tomáš placed under lock and key in her room.
It was a surprise—a pleasant one, but a surprise all the same—when her husband Hrabě Kolmán of Přemkóv sent a goodly sum of silver to fetch her back home again. Whether or not that meant she was forgiven, Tomáš had no way to know.
Tomáš’s friend and vassal Hrabě Heník Abovský soon thereafter gave a feast in order to, again, cheer up the king. However, this feast unfortunately had the opposite effect, and Heník himself was partly to blame for it.
Not, of course, that Heník wasn’t pleasant company. It’s just that Tomáš found out far more about Heník’s private life than he’d ever wanted to know.
‘That man,’ Jakub was slurring to Tomáš, ‘has one truly fine saddle. I mean it, brother! I’ve never seen a more capable equestrian in all my years serving the Brotherhood. Hell. I even let him ride me one time. He’s got a big, thick and juicy one downcellar. Even better than being with a woman!’
Tomáš’s eyes went round and he stared at his brother incredulously.
‘Um. Please don’t tell him I said that.’ Jakub shook his jowled face and pleaded with his brother. ‘Or anyone else.’
‘I won’t tell a soul,’ Tomáš grumbled. Then, to himself, with his face buried in his hands: ‘And I truly wish you hadn’t told me.’
Heník was still very much Tomáš’s friend, and he knew that the hrabě could still be trusted, but… confound the man! And confound this ‘equestrian’ Brother of his! And on top of that, Tomáš’s own sister Anna, starving for affection after the deaths of two husbands, had been caught copulating with a much-younger courtier herself! Between Anna and Jakub and Ján and Jaromíra—had the whole of the Rychnovský clan turned into perverts and sapphists and sodomites overnight?! Or had they always been this way and Tomáš had never known about it?
And then—
‘Father,’ Bishop Ignac called to him from outside his study. ‘Can I come in and talk to you?’
‘Of course, son! Please! … Although I suppose I should be calling you Father.’
The mitred monastic trod timidly into the room, cringing as though in fear of some dreadful judgement about to be passed upon him. He sat in front of his father. Sat and fidgeted. Opened his mouth. Closed it. Fidgeted some more.
‘I—Well, I… I—’
Tomáš folded his hands in front of him and waited for Ignac to get out the sentence he was choking on.
‘You have a grandson,’ Ignac blurted suddenly. Then he pulled up his legs and flung his arms around them, as though waiting to be slapped.
‘I have several grandsons,’ Tomáš said placidly. ‘What are they to you?’
‘That’s not what I mean,’ Ignac told him, meeping into his robes. ‘I mean—you have a new grandson.’
A feeling of foreboding came up behind Tomáš and gripped him icily around the heart.
‘A new grandson. Who?’
‘Hromislav Bijelahrvatskić!’ Ignac choked.
‘What?’ Tomáš sat forward. ‘Vojvoda Siloš’s boy?’
Ivan shook his head hurriedly, and then burst out bawling. ‘Not Siloš’s! Not his! Hromislav is of my getting! The sin is mine! God forgive me! Father, forgive me! I was hoping it wasn’t—! I have fallen! I have earned my damnation! Not only mine! I’ve been her damnation as well—Volimíra’s! Oh, Volimíra—you beautiful angel, look how I’ve ruined you! Oh, God, what have I done? I’ve ruined her! And they… they know! They all know! Oh, God, forgive—!’
Once again Tomáš planted his face in his palms… harder than he’d ever done before. He groaned in disappointment. Of course the Kráľ was well aware of Volimíra’s buxom blonde charms, as well as the… casual way she conducted herself with men she wasn’t married to. Still, for that to seduce a bishop of the Church—and not just any bishop, but the king’s son—! And now she was enjoying the fruit of her triumph, in the form of a baby boy that wasn’t her husband’s getting.
Nine months ago… Wait. That hadn’t been—yes. Yes it very much had been. The feast of Hrabě Jaromíl of Žatec. Volimíra had been there; of course she had. And Ignac had been there. And she’d been making eyes and playing at feet the whole time with the bishop. The two of them had left the hall together early in the evening. And of course Tomáš had been too drunk to intervene…
‘Čert. What a mess.’
Ignac was still blubbering and rocking back and forth in his seat, as though he was still expecting to be beaten like a servant caught in theft. It took Tomáš the better part of an hour to calm down his nerve-wracked and noisily-penitent son.
Scandal after scandal after scandal… it was enough to drive Tomáš mad. The weight of being a king, the drudgery of it, and responsibility after responsibility heaped upon his shoulders like sacks of stone…
‘Milord,’ came the prison guard, ‘the prisoners have been asking for—’
‘Hang them!’ Tomáš burst out.
‘M—milord?’
‘You heard me. Hang them all! Now!’
The prison guard, scared stiff at this outburst, bowed low and left quietly to carry out his king’s order.
As soon as Tomáš came to his senses out of his black rage—which had nothing to do with any of the prisoners or anything they’d been asking for—and realised what he’d done, what he’d ordered, he rushed out to the courtyard to stop the execution. But it was too late. The scaffold was already up. Five halters. And five former prisoners—including Hûšyâr the Kurd—were swinging limply from them.
And Tomáš truly broke down. And now it was his turn to beg God’s forgiveness.
He went back into his study, spent some moments standing in contrite prayer, and then sat down with an empty sheet of vellum to write. Write: every single one of his failures, his worries, his disappointments, his struggles, his burdens. Line after line after line of Tomáš’s hand flowed from the tip of the quill. And the names of the five prisoners…
Not only ink stained the parchment now. A blotch of clear water fell upon it. Followed by another. Then another. The king’s corpulent shoulders shook uncontrollably, and he wept over his writing.
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