The Isaurian Issue – A Convoluted Chronicle. (Byzantine AAR)

[Murmurandus]

Note by the Author:

The Author started playing CKII again and reported his (mis)adventures in a Mini-AAR, which at least 2 persons read. Obviously this is reason enough to start a little bigger effort (eventhough the Author is Very Lazy).

Follow the link for the Shoddy Mini-AAR below.
https://forum.paradoxplaza.com/foru...itaine-purple-which-is-actually-pink.1009478/

The new AAR is a Byzantine Empire game started in 767 with no changes whatsoever.
Also, quite obviously the Author is a lousy writer with poor spelling and grammar and a biased if not failing memory. Also it’s quite possible the Author will give up this attempt to cover about 700 years of euh… History. Anyway enough blabbering, onwards to…

Chapter the First In Which We Meet The Man Who His Enemies Call “The Dungnamed” – Whatever Could Go Wrong?

We write the year 767. Konstantinos V Kopronymos (KoKo) is ruling the Byzantine Empire since the death of his Father Leon III the Isaurian in 741. The only thing worth mentioning is a little civil war which started his reign, an tradition which will be repeated by most of his successors. For those interested in the History of the Empire they can have a look at Wikipedia, a chronicle written by the Biased Monks of Wiki.

Konstantinos decided for one reason on another to follow the example of his beloved father and to style himself an “iconoclast”, which means he hates pictures. So he ordered his empire to hate pictures too. None of this proved important as the farmers didn’t care and so the lovers of pictures became heretics and that was that.

He also decided that his Empire was too small. He looked at a map and saw that there were Pagans in the North, Franks in the West and Infidels in the East and South. As he was preparing his War Strategy by trying to find the weakest and easiest target some ungrateful and backstabbing dukes decided it was a good idea to start a civil war to grant more power to the figureheads of the Council. Stupid Fucks. This delayed the invasion of an emirate which name is not important (and which the Author forgot) and as such angered KoKo.

The rebellion was easily defeated because each duke advanced with his personal levies separately against the Combined Imperial Army (CIA). So after this little hiccup the CIA rolled over that emirate and claimed it for the Empire.

As this all went extremely well KoKo decided to move quickly and declare a War of Liberation against the Bulgars before they became too strong for easy gains. All went quite well except for the part in which KoKo smashed his head against an axe of a Bulgarian farmer.

Oh dear, the Author persisted in writing terrible stories about Incompentent Rulers and their Backstabbing Underlings! His Spelling and Grammar still are under par if not to speak about the quality (or lack of thereof) of his writing. Where will this end? Did we even start? How many civil wars before the Author is bored again? Will the Successor named Kopronymos too? Will there be pictures? Or Maps? Or something to look at? Is the Author an Iconoclast too? Will those so-called jokes be any different from before? Will there be 3 Fans? Will there be dung jokes? Some of these questions might be answered in Chapter the Second!

Map of the Empire during Dungnamed Times.

 

[stnylan]

Got to love vassals and their endearing ways

 

[Murmurandus]

Got to love vassals and their endearing ways

Indeed, Mr. Fan One & Only. We will see our beloved vassals in many endearing ways for sure.

 

[Murmurandus]

Chapter the Second In Which Leon IV Needs To Get His Act Together Quickly.

Leon IV at his death, his children and other related 'family'.

At the death of his father in 774 Leon IV Koprogennetos (Born in the Dung) was lucky to be with the CIA in Bulgaria which was already winning the war. Unluckily he was not in Byzantium where the Council of Underhand Underlings was planning the next Civil War For More Power To The Council.

Then there was also that little issue of various peasant revolts and the First – yes, we’re implying something here – Uprising of his half-brother Nicophoros, also Koprogennetos. So to keep them backstabbing vassals in check cartloads of coins were distributed, which appeared to be just enough to beat the Bulgarians, the peasants and the half-brother. To celebrate this feat a Grand Tournament was held in which many knights got maimed and killed, so it was a Huge Success.

Apparently the Conspiring Council of Disloyal and Backstabbing Dukes seemed impressed by the skills of the new Emperor and chose not to start a civil war. Yet. So Leon decided it was a good time to violently visit the little emirate of which we forgot the name. He didn’t check the small print so the Mighty Abbasid Empire joined in. Oops.

So in an effort of winning swiftly all Imperial troops were sent to a silly province in the east. And that seemed to be the excellent moment for an Orthodox uprising and the Second Uprising of Dear Half-Brother Nico P. Nnnnngggghhhhnnn…

Of course this all meant that winning a war swiftly was off the books now. The Emperor now needed to tediously choose his battles to wipe out most of the enemy armies before a lot of territories were sieged. At the end he was victorious, but it took 10 years and depleted his armies.

To celebrate, Duke Theodosios the Fat decided to finally start a civil war. Leon banged his head against the Imperial Wall of the Imperial Council Room, which was empty as half of the council joined the rebellion while the other half was ‘on holiday’.

In a last ditch effort Leon decided to create the Varangian Guard. They were big, blonde, cheap and angry, so they scared a lot of those little dukes and counts away and at the end the Fat Duke surrendered.

The last years of the rule of Leon IV, called the Weak by cynics and Koprogennetos by sarcastics were filled with little wars against pagans and peasants and ended with a slightly bigger war against yes, indeed, Dear Half-Brother Nico P, who was finally blinded, because third time is a charm.

The Celebrationary Invasion of Lombardy was cut short because of the Sudden Death by Maimed Cripple of the Emperor. His second son, Petros, inherited to Imperial Crown.

Wait what? No Dungrelated jokes to speak of? Nor any structure in the story? What happened to the oldest son of Leon? Did indeed tens of thousands soldiers die during the 44 years rule of the Emperor? Is this boring? What will you watch on television tonight? Stay tuned for more rubbish and dung!

Map at the end of the Reign of Leon IV.

 

[stnylan]

Always good for a chuckle.

The vassals do need something to do to keep them entertained, and some civil discord is surely harmless, right?

 

[Veldmaarschalk]

I will try to follow this one.

 

[RhaegarTelcontarTargaryen]

That great green blob...

 

[iain_a_wilson]

You know, I've never followed one of your AARs before, which is a shame. I'm glad I've found this one, as I'm a sucker for a good comedy AAR. Your tone is great, and you manage to encapsulate the craziness that CK just randomly throws at you. Good job!

 

[Murmurandus]

Always good for a chuckle.

The vassals do need something to do to keep them entertained, and some civil discord is surely harmless, right?

Chuckles are good for your health (or so they say).

Oiling the Rack is a hobby for many of the Emperors needing to deal with vassals.

I will try to follow this one.

Yes, please do.

That great green blob...

It's only a little scary.

You know, I've never followed one of your AARs before, which is a shame. I'm glad I've found this one, as I'm a sucker for a good comedy AAR. Your tone is great, and you manage to encapsulate the craziness that CK just randomly throws at you. Good job!

I never wrote that many AARs. In fact this is my first real one. I did some silly stuff way back in A Collage of CAARdinals https://forum.paradoxplaza.com/foru...teractive-history-of-the-papal-states.285580/, which might be worthy of rereading and a very short AAR before this one.

Anyway Onwards Iconoclast Soldiers!

 

[Murmurandus]

Chapter the Third In Which Is Not Properly Explained Why Petros Is Called ‘The Shadow’.

Petros who doesn't like the Sun nor People.

At the death of Leon IV it was not his eldest son, Stephanos the Raving Mad Lunatic Count of Nassau of All Places who succeeded to the Throne, but the Second Son, Petros, Porphyrogennetos and Korpogennetos.

This might actually be a Good Thing for the Empire as Steph would probably managed to get himself killed even before the Traditional Celebratory Civil War. In any case Steph was killed before the death of his father by his wife, so Steph’s son would inherit the mighty county of Nassau. Now who’s the lunatic here? Also he wasn’t Born in the Purple, like his younger brother, so bad luck the second.

Petros, whose skin was really pale, didn’t like the sun, so he stayed in the shadow, which was quite difficult in Southern Italy on the battlefields in the blazing sun. This made him quite angry so he finished the Italian War quickly.

Starting a Grand Tournament to keep the Backstabbing Dukes at bay resulting any many glorious maimed and death warriors and thus happy vassals. Seeing that the Council of Conspiring C(o)unts got somehow cold feet, some strange cult, The Paulicians, decided to start a little uprising of their own.

This annoyed the Emperor and he sent his armies to crush those silly peasants. While crushing the Ubaydid Sultan, Ubayd the Magnificent (Bastard), declared war. The Emperor got even more annoyed.

So the CIA went from crushing peasants to crushing infidels and quickly the Magnificent Bastard was brought to his knees. The celebrate his victory, the Emperor went to war against an assortment of Balkan Pagans.

And from here a cycle of successful pagan/infidel wars started against small counties and emirates in the west and east which kept the Backstabbing Lot quite busy during the long reign of Petros, who also found the time to wear down 3 wives or so.

He also got maimed and crippled in the process (of wars or wives?) and died bedridden and infirm at 83 years old. He was succeeded by his son, Bosporios, which is a Silly Name.

The Result of an annoyed Petros. Glad he wasn't angry.

Wait, what? No Real Civil War? What is this? Is this going down the drain that quickly? Will Bosporios With The Silly Name get his own civil war? You might read about it in Next Update.

 

[stnylan]

Annoying Petros clearly not a good thing.

Bosporious could get really cranky with a name like that.

 

[iain_a_wilson]

He was succeeded by his son, Bosporios, which is a Silly Name.

That's one thing I love about CK - THE NAMES! Although, I start laughing at them and then think "Am I being offensive? Is there someone out there called 'Toros' who is going to think I'm racist for mocking his name?"

 

[Murmurandus]

Annoying Petros clearly not a good thing.

Bosporious could get really cranky with a name like that.

We soon find out what Bosporios With Silly Name is up to.

That's one thing I love about CK - THE NAMES! Although, I start laughing at them and then think "Am I being offensive? Is there someone out there called 'Toros' who is going to think I'm racist for mocking his name?"

I'm quite sure they understand some names might sound funny if you're not familiar with it. It does make me wonder how many Bosporioses there are walking on this earth...

 

[Murmurandus]

Chapter the Fourth In Which We Laugh With Bosporios And His Silly Name.

Bosporios With The Silly Name.

Bosporios With The Silly Name, Porphyrogennetos and Korpogennetos, inherited a peaceful realm (as his father in his last years decided to slow down a little). Already 50 years old and widower, he had no son as a heir as his eldest son already died from disease.

So first things first; find a fertile wife and get her pregnant. Finding the wife wasn’t that difficult, but getting her pregnant was. Especially when the Disloyal and Grumbling Bunch in the Council was needing the attention of the new emperor. Fortunately there was lots of money available for bribing and Violent Grand Tournaments, which kept the bastards at bay. At least for a while.

The Sunni Infidel Underlings weren’t happy no matter what so they got their own little uprising, which was excellently timed to start together with the Grand Civil War of Antiochos the Bold (Prick).

The Imperial Troops were gathered and thrown into battle against the rebels. The Sunni Uprising was quickly put down, but then there was the Orthodox Uprising, because you know each petty cult needs its own uprising once in a while, doesn’t it?

It took the Loyalists almost 3 years to assemble all Perfidious Pigs in the Imperial Prison, but it was all worth it as the Traditional Civil War gave the Empire a new incentive to go conquer some small poor emirate or kingdom, this time in Armenia.

On the Bedroom Front Imperial Advances were however small. There was this bastard who might be legitimized if it was really, really necessary, but at the end the Empress managed to pop out one legitimate heir, Sergios the What the F*ck Took You So Long.

However the elderly Emperor shot his last powder with that and so he died comatose in bed in 874 after a reign of 14 years.

The Empire Anno 874.

We didn’t actually laugh a lot with Bosporios’ Name, but a little more with his fertility. Will the Author sink deeper in next update? Will the Isaurian Line perish with Young Sergios? Is Sergios even a decent Imperial Name. Will Dung be flung? Read on, read on and you might know!

 

[stnylan]

Well he did get cranky with his council

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Oi! You leave Armenia alone!

As for how many Bosporii walk the earth, a quick Google seems to suggest that the name is most commonly found in Warhammer 40k...

 

[Murmurandus]

Well he did get cranky with his council

Who wouldn't?

Oi! You leave Armenia alone!

As for how many Bosporii walk the earth, a quick Google seems to suggest that the name is most commonly found in Warhammer 40k...

Bosporios merely 'liberated' it from the Infidels.

 

[Murmurandus]

Chapter the Fifth In Which Sergios the What The F*ck Took You So Long Meets His Beloved Subjects And Why Purple Is The New Burgundy.

Emperor Sergios was 12 when his daddy died. The Unruly Bunch of Backstabbing Bastards managed to pull off a full-fledged civil war even before the crowning ceremony was finished. Half the Council of Cowards took up arms against the Emperor and his Regent.

It took so time and money to overcome the rebels, but the exhausted Backstabbers gave in after 3 years of war of attrition. While the Regency called for a celebration, Bardanes the Ill-Ruler, decided it was a Good Idea to start his own Civil War, this time for Independency, the silly twat.

This war proved to be much more difficult for the Loyalist and the treasury didn’t seem that bottomless. Fortunately Bardanes had less money and his own rebels to cope with and both parties decided to go for a status quo ante or a white peace.

The Regency decided to scrape a final 200 gold coins together to hold a Grand Tournament of Slaughter Amongst the Knights of the Empire to lift the mood of the exhausted Empire.

A year later Sergios finally became 16 and got married to a Princess of France and again a year later, Bosporios the Still A Silly Name was born and All Was Well.

All was too Well and before the Disloyalists could start grumbling again the Young Emperor decided to press a claim for the Kingdom of Burgundy for one of his ‘more loyal’ vassals. Also because Burgundy is not really Purple. The Lykian Peasants disagreed and revolted.

The war went well but took a while and at the end Ramnulf Also With A Silly Name, the ex-king of Burgundy, yielded. Time for the Third (New Record) Civil War, this time headed by Utmost Evöl Witch, Euphraxia the Fat. It took some slapping around of naughty despots, dukes and counts, but Sergios, by now the Great, crushed and annihilated the Fat Witch and Her Armies. She was cemented in the oubliette.

Time for the Empire to step back a little and rest, also because by now some defensive alliances were forged against the Imperial Sword of Liberation and Enlightenment. There was also that little Khazarian War of Liberation which the Varangian Guard crushed on its own. During this time some new titles were created and distributed in an effort to divide the Unruly Bunch of Vassals, which more or less succeeded.

Then there was the Tengri, the Peasant and the Sunni Uprisings and that Adventurer who thought it was a Good Idea to annoy the Emperor. Insects. Crushed. Boot.

But it was in one of those minor skirmishes that the Emperor stumbled upon that spear which was pointing in his direction. His son, Bosporios, the Second With This Silly Name, succeeded.

Now this was Fun™, wasn’t it? Three Civil Wars and the Conquest of Burgundy Which Looks Better In Purple. Can this Success be ever repeated? Why oh why do those Empresses like the name Bosporios? Will the Second Bosporios be more of the same of the First Bosporios? Watch and learn in the next episode.

 

[stnylan]

What are a few civil wars between friends?

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Great update - colour based CBs should definitely be a thing...

I also love the part where you say :

The Regency decided to scrape a final 200 gold coins together to hold a Grand Tournament of Slaughter Amongst the Knights of the Empire to lift the mood of the exhausted Empire.

Every time I host a tournament it's like The Hunger Games, rather than a display of chivalric prowess...