The Most Excruciating Thing
Hardradasborg Palace, Copenhagen - October 26
The atmosphere in the conference room was tense. All of the generals and other leaders had gathered around the map laid on the table, showing troop movements around the world.
“The Crusaders launched a massive offensive into the Carribean Corridor,” Ollin said, “The Tawantinsuyuans are falling back. They’ve already taken the town of Cumaná.”
“How did they get the numbers?” Olaf said. “Last I heard, Jerusalem barely had any control anything outside New Berlin.”
“Over the last few weeks, they’ve consolidated their forces in the Amazon delta,” Atoc said, “After securing New Cordoba last month and fortifying New Berlin even more, they moved on the cities to the north. From there, they airlifted in more troops from Europe.”
“That’s their weakness,” Olga said, “They have to rely on reinforcements from Europe. If we can just blockade the Neurhomanian coast, we could collapse their offensive.”
“About that…” Gebhard said. “The Kaiserliche Marine is in no shape for that. The Chinese have launched a full-scale naval offensive across the Pacific.”
“How bad?” Boris said.
“Our Second Pacific Fleet was ambushed east of Hawaii,” Gebhard said, “Only four ships—the aircraft carrier Saint Gunhilda and the destroyers Ludwigshafen, Harz, and Schwarzwald—barely survived the battle. They’re sailing back to Adamshaven as fast as possible. The rest of the fleet was wiped out. Casualties are in the hundreds and climbing.”
“What about the First Fleet?” Olga said.
“We need that to defend Hawaii,” Gebhard said, “The Third Fleet will defend Mittagsland. The other fleets are stretched out patrolling our various smaller islands across the ocean.”
“What has Han said about this?” Boris said. “Why is he attacking the loyalists?”
“He’s said nothing so far,” Aleta said, “But I talked to the emperor of Fusang. His navy was responsible.”
“Can he pull back his forces?” Gebhard said.
“No, his government has put the Fusang Navy into a joint task force with the Imperial Chinese Navy,” Aleta said, “Which is under Han’s leadership. The emperor doesn’t have the authority to withdraw.”
“He’s the emperor, he can figure something out,” Olga said, “Isn’t Fusang a meritocracy?”
“A meritocracy with a lot of influences from Chinese democracy, which affords the emperor little actual power,” Aleta said.
“So we can only sit and watch as Han eliminates the loyalists in the Pacific,” Boris said.
“Eliminate both Jerusalem and the loyalists, and there is nothing stopping China from being the only major power standing,” Gebhard said, “Other than the Eimericas. Which Fusang has neutered by simply not cooperating with Thordarsson.”
“In a less insane world, we’d be there to counter China,” Ollin said, “Unfortunately, Jerusalem has begun dropping sarin gas on the Gulf cities.”
“Cherubim divisions have invaded Este Mvskokvlke,” Atoc said, “They’ve gained a foothold on the Muscogean Peninsula.”
“Isn’t that just great?” Olga said. “Where the hell do they even get all those troops?”
“Conscription, drafting, and lots and lots of propaganda,” Gebhard said, “Didn’t they do that under Varennikov?”
“I was just a 16-year-old assassin obsessed with avenging my mom by killing my other mom at the time, so I don’t know,” Olga said.
“We need to figure something out,” Ollin said, “People are dying across Cemanahuac again. I threw away my career and reputation—and spent the next thirty years rebuilding it—to bring peace to the Eimericas. Prince Horst gave his life so we could stop fighting. Break the cycle of violence that has plagued us for centuries. Guess old habits die hard, don’t they?”
“The UPM is going to mobilize its navy and blockade the Gulf of Mexico,” Atoc said, “I’m going to fly back next week and coordinate the counterattack.”
“I’m going back too,” Ollin said, “Mexico needs me again. And I need to coordinate a response with Thordarsson.”
“You have to rein in Fusang,” Aleta said, “They’re the strongest Federation member.”
“I know that,” Ollin said, “I can’t have them sabotaging the rest of us.”
“I’ll talk to Han,” Olga said, “Although I hate his guts.”
“My Pacific fleets will try to avoid the Chinese,” Gebhard said, “The Atlantic fleets will try to help the Gulf blockade.”
“We’ll help you refuel, if you come to our shores,” Atoc said.
“Thanks,” Gebhard said.
“Tiger’s Defense will be on alert as always,” Boris said.
“Sounds good,” Olga said.
After a few more topics of discussion, the meeting concluded, and the dignitaries left. Olga approached Atoc and Ollin just as they headed for the door.
“General, Admiral,” she said, “Mind if I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Ollin said.
“I heard my niece was commanding the Scandinavian half of the convoy,” Olga said, “And she went missing after Heligoland. Do you know anything about what happened to her?”
“Uh…sorry, ma’am,” Ollin said, “We are just as in the dark as you are.”
“Last we saw of her was her flying off into a swarm of drones,” Atoc said.
Olga looked down, saddened.
“Why did she do that?” she said.
“She bought us enough time to escape, at least,” Atoc said, “If not for her efforts, those drones would’ve torn us apart.”
“At the cost of herself,” Olga said, “Are you sure you haven’t seen her since?”
“Sorry, we haven’t,” Ollin said, “But I wouldn’t be surprised if she is still alive.”
“Unlikely, though,” Atoc said, “She’d be stranded in the heart of Jerusalem.”
“I see,” Olga said, “Well…”
“I’m sorry I can’t say anything better,” Atoc said.
“It’s okay,” Olga said, “Tania made her choice—even if my sister and I didn’t like it—and we all knew this was one possible outcome. I just…didn’t think it would happen so soon.”
“Life doesn’t always go the way we expect,” Ollin said, “For what it’s worth, I know what it’s like to lose your family. I have to live with the guilt of losing mine forever.”
“At least you know they are dead,” Olga said, “And can lay them to rest. Me? I have to keep on going without knowing if Tania’s alive or dead. That’s the most excruciating thing. A tiny sliver of hope, surrounded by an almost certain hard truth. I may never know what happened to her. That’s even more painful than knowing she is dead.”
She tried to maintain her composure, but it was hard keeping up appearances.
Outside Stockholm - October 27
This was the closest place she could call to a home. The chancellery hadn’t been the same since Jessica died. But this place never changed in the fifty years since she started coming here. It used to belong to her aunt Natalia. Natalia had taken Irina in after the war. Olga stayed in the Reich to help Anne out, but she dropped by as often as she could. After Natalia passed away, Irina inherited the house, and she raised her family there. Olga remembered when Tania was just a kid listening to her (admittedly very embellished) war stories. She looked at the chair Tania used to sit in while she listened. It was empty now. She quietly sipped her coffee. Irina noticed her sister’s sullen look.
“Are you okay?” she said.
“I’m fine, Irina, for the fifth time,” Olga said.
“Tania still on your mind?” Irina said.
“Sorry, I just can’t help it,” Olga said.
“Look, sis, for what it’s worth, neither can I,” Irina said, “She’s my daughter, you know.”
“Why does this always happen to us?” Olga said. “I thought we left that life behind.”
“She made her choice, Olga,” Irina said, “The best we can do is go along with it. Come on, we didn’t have this problem with my other kids.”
“I know, I know,” Olga said, “It’s just that…I thought we wouldn’t have to go through this again. We lost our parents as kids. And now we lose Tania too? After losing Di and Theresa and the others we knew?”
“I can’t give you your answers, Olga,” Irina said.
“Sometimes, I guess there’s no running from your past,” Olga said.
“Then don’t run,” Irina said, “Embrace it.”
“How can I?” Olga said. “We had a hard life growing up. Prague happened when I was 4 and you were even younger. The Soviets abducted us. They put you in an orphanage, where the other kids mocked you, and stole my childhood to mold me into an assassin. I spent my teenage years murdering innocent people Varennikov wanted dead. I rebelled and got us out, but did our problems end? No! All that X-Division and Sentinel stuff happened. Then the committee killed Di and Jessica. Then all this happened. And now Tania is the latest victim. If I had done things differently, none of this would’ve happened!”
“You can’t know that for sure,” Irina said, trying to keep calm.
“No, I know I could’ve stopped this!” Olga said. “I was powerless to save Mom in 2001. And Elisabeth Alexandra. But I could’ve done it. It was within my power. If they both survived, Wilhelm Karl would not have become Kaiser, the committee, would not exist, and we wouldn’t be here. Or if I had released the Sentinel information in another way, the public would not have rejected the mainstream so thoroughly they welcomed the committee! Or if I had just set aside time to visit Di in 2029, maybe help her on that Uberbowl case she was emailing me about, maybe she wouldn’t have died months later. And most damning is the fact that if I wasn’t late to Persia, Angie would still be alive! Now Tania has followed them. It’s all my fault! All of this!”
She started crying. Irina reached over and reassuringly took Olga’s hand.
“It’s not your fault,” she said, “You couldn’t have known any of this would happen.”
“But I could’ve stopped this!” Olga said. “I can still stop this! But I’m powerless! Even as the second most powerful person in Russia, I still can’t do anything! I still can’t save Diana, or Angie, or Tania! They’re dead, and it’s my fault!”
“It’s not your fault,” Irina said, “Olga, calm down. I’m also worried for Tania. I’m her mom. Of course I’m concerned. And every night I go to sleep worried I’m going to wake up to bad news about her. But…it’s not something I can control. She’s an adult now. Hey, she’s even an admiral too. I didn’t approve of her career choice, like you did, but it makes her happy. So I supported it anyways. We both knew this was one outcome. You know best of all, having been in this line of work.”
“I just didn’t want Tania to live the life we did,” Olga said, “Mom didn’t want us to follow in her steps too. She wanted us to live like normal kids, far from war. Just like Di and her mom. That didn’t pan out, as we know, but that didn’t stop us from making the same promise for our own next generation.”
“Ironic how the same thing happened,” Irina said.
“What would Mom think of us now?” Olga said. “We ended up just like her, in the end.”
“Don’t say that,” Irina said, “I’ve had a normal life here, in this nice house surrounded by fields. Tania and her siblings grew up with normal childhoods. You never had kids, but you became chancellor of Russia. I’d say Mom would be proud of us.”
“Really?” Olga said.
“We made the best of our circumstances, in the end,” Irina said, “Things didn’t always turn out the way we hoped, but that’s life. We don’t need to run from our pasts anymore. Because they won’t hurt us now. They can only help us grow.”
“You think so?” Olga said.
“Like I always do,” Irina said.
They stopped for a moment, not saying another word.
“Well, my sister’s the chancellor of Russia and yet she still sits at my dinner table in a regular house in Stockholm bawling her eyes out,” Irina joked, “You haven’t changed one bit.”
Olga laughed. “Maybe I haven’t.”
“Don’t change, Olga,” Irina said, “You are who you are. Accept that.”
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Edit: Fixed a spacing issue that resulted when copy-pasting from my drafts to the forum results in each newline is either doubled/tripled or deleted altogether. It's even worse when editing on mobile.
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