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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

J. Passepartout

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Once upon a time, in the nation of Denmark, there was a golden pig. He lived in a circle near the castle of King Eric VII, specifically, near the back door which led into the kitchen. For, you see, the Golden Pig enjoyed being well fed.
The Golden Pig also had a friend, named the Concrete Porker, who lived on a wall seperating the castle grounds from the rest of Copenhagn. He was an amiable fellow, usually, and the Golden Pig would bring him into the King's kitchens oft a time, when the Concrete Porker grew sick of not having eaten in a few hours.

So, anyway, the Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker had an enjoyable life in Denmark, with many adventures along the way...


---

Okay, a word from me, the guy who is writing this. The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker are real. The Golden Pig is hanging above the stove in our kitchen, and the Concrete Porker is a small statue of a pig which is standing on a wall outside of our house here in the United States (Not actually Denmark, but what the hey).When I was a wee child, my dad told me stories about these pigs, and all the stuff they would do (crash the car, steal the car, crash the truck, steal the truck, steal a boat... you get it. And it wasn't all stealing and crashing stuff. They did other stuff too.) So I decided I would bring them to you, the guy I sincerely hope is reading this.

Everyone who applies in this thread with their word of honour that they are reading gets enough bacon to have breakfast for a year.

I think my 'word from the author' is longer than the story in character.
 
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coz1

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This sounds quite interesting. I believe I shall have to follow, if for anything to get that supply of bacon. ;) [Homer]Mmmmm, bacon...[/Homer]
 

J. Passepartout

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One day, in the cold, cold winter month of January, the Golden Pig was wandering through the halls of the castle. He happened upon the King, Erik, and some Swedes, talking. Now, the Swedes, and their brothers, the Norwegians, were vassals of Denmark, under the Union of Kalmar. They paid the King of Denmark a large amount of money, just for the sake of being allowed a free offer of alliance, nice Danish interference in local government, and some chocolates at holidays. They also contributed to the amount of men Denmark could afford to have in the army, somehow. We are not sure how this worked. Anyway, the soldiers had nice shiny boots and marched around on parade so that the people could look at their nice uniforms, and the chocolates the Swedes and Norwegians recieved were very nice chocolates. They were Swiss chocolates. We are not entirely sure how the Swiss got these chocolates, but they got them.

Anyhow, Sweden had just declared war on Novgorod, which was another great cold place somewhere in the north of Europe. It happened to be right next to Sweden, which was nice for them. That way, the Swedish soldiers could easily walk to Novgorod, and the people there could look at their uniforms and the uniforms of the soldiers from Novgorod at the same time. (The Novgorod army had uniforms that looked different.) This is why we have wars. The army that looks nicest gets presents from the other army.

The Golden Pig listened to the king and the Swedish diplomat talk to each other. It seemed that Norway had refused to help Sweden in the war. They complained that the Swedes were getting slightly more chocolate, and that Norway wanted more if they were going to make their army walk all that way to Novgorod. (They didn't have cars back then.)

The Golden Pig felt sorry for the Norwegians. However, he did like chocolate, and he wondered if he could somehow get that spare chocolate that was not being sent to Norway. He decided he would go to the Concrete Porker and ask him. He walked to the wall where the Concrete Porker lived, and said "My dear friend, do you know how we can help the Norwegians and get chocolate at the same time?"

The Concrete Porker thought very hard. "The Swedes get two boxes more each Christmas, correct?"

"Correct."

"Do the Norwegians know this?"

"No. All they know is that the Swedes get more."

"I have an idea. We shall go to Norway and tell them they can have more chocolate each Christmas. We shall give them only one box, howeverm and we shall keep the other box."

"That is an excellent idea."

And so the Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker set out to Norway. They took the kings boat for this, and he was angry. However, he decided it was worth it, for then he could convince the Norwegians to rejoin the alliance.

After a great many days, the Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker finally arrived in Norway. They walked up to the king of Norway, and the Golden Pig said "Hello. I am the Golden Pig and this is my friend the Concrete Porker. We have come to offer you more chocolate."

"Oh," said the king, "Has King Erik decided to give me as much as the Swedes?"

"Yes."

"Very well then. Thank you very much, Mr. Golden Pig. I would like to give you and your friend Mr. Concrete Porker this token of my esteem." And he gave them the Cross of the Holy Chocolate of St. Anthony of Antioch. This is an ancient Norwegian honorific. General Dwight Eisenhower was given one after the second world war.

And the two friends returned home, happy in the fact that they would get some chocolate every Christmas, and that the alliance was restored, to boot.

Now that's all for now. Go to sleep.
 

J. Passepartout

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Okay, bacon for you two.

As a note to how this AAR is going to be written, that post was merely 'Jan. 6:Sweden declares war on Novgorod, etc. etc.' and me inviting Norway back into the alliance. And several months of me not supporting them at all otherwise.
 

coz1

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Well, you've certainly hit on a fine way to tell the tale of such simple happenings. Quite enjoyable. I love the bed-time feel, in fact. Truth be told...I'm feeling very sleepy...yawn...good night. ;)
 

J. Passepartout

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Thank you both.

My dad's stories about these two were simpler, but, of course, my brother and I had very short attention spans at the time and probably wouldn't have stood much more. Either that or he was a good judge of how much our attention spans would take and didn't say more than he had to. :)
 

J. Passepartout

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It was autumn, and the Golden Pig sat in his circle, looking at the leaves change colour and fall from the trees. He did this every autumn, because the servants hid things in the trees to keep them away from him, and if the leaves were gone, he could see them and knock them out with a stick. So far he had gotten a stuffed bear, a model train, and some apples. He named the stuffed bear Nigel. He named the train George. He ate the apples.

Anyway, it was five days into October, and the Golden Pig noticed that the army was marching by to have a war in Holstein. Holstein was involved in another war, and King Erik hoped that the worse looking soldiers had been left behind in Holstein. The Golden Pig decided it would be fun to go along and watch. He snuck aboard a carriage that was carrying shoe polish for the army, and went to sleep. It takes a while to get to Holstein, and the Golden Pig was able to get a half an hour of sleep. Yes, it takes that long to get to Holstein.

So, finally, after half an hour of walking, the army got to Hostein, but the few soldiers there ran away. "Why would they run away?" the Golden Pig asked, and someone told him. "They are the worst looking soldiers, and are scared they will lose the contest."

"That sounds reasonable," said the Golden Pig, "I would run away also."

Then he walked towards the town, because as long as he was here, he thought, he should see if they had any interesting things in Holstein. There were no interesting things, but he didn't know that, and he wasn't able to find out, because the mean spirited townsfolk had closed up the gates.

"You evil Danes!" they shouted. "We do not wish to be hosts to nasty people who are so mean to our soldiers, who have the sole fault of not looking so nice as yourselves!"

The Golden Pig knew this was poppycock. The army had walked all this way to have a friendly contest with the army of Holstein, and the army of Holstein had backed out. The least the locals could do was to give the Danish Army some cake and lemonade and let them rest their feet a bit before they went home. So the army decided they would break through the town walls, and take all the cake and lemonade. The Golden Pig himself had seen, through a window, a tasty-looking cake being frosted.

They waited several months, but the townsfolk resisted. Finally, the general of the Danish army, a man named Christiansen, hit upon a stunning plan. The plan was this: they would take the key out from under the potted plant by the gate. Then, they would use the key to unlock the gate. Everyone applauded this idea. Christiansen lifted the potted plant. The Golden Pig picked up the key and handed it to a soldier standing by. The soldier inserted it in the lock, and turned it. Then he turned it the other way. Then he jiggled it a bit, and turned it more. "This is the wrong key! The real one must be under that gigantic rock which would only be liftable with twentieth century technology!"

Christiensen, in a fit of rage, ripped the gate from its hinges. Then everyone went back to camp, to continue the siege. After dinner, the Golden Pig saw fit to point out that, since the gate was now rusting in a nearby stream, the army could now walk straight into the town.

Okay, enough for tonight. If you want more stories, have your mother tell them.
 

Storey

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So do we get Canadian bacon of real bacon? :p Funny story J. Passepartout. :)

Joe
 

J. Passepartout

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Storey: I'm going to kill the Golden Pig to provide you with this bacon. Chocolate and cake for 400 years is going to get him a bit rotund. :D

Lord White: You're welcome. Ever had James Thurber stories read to you for bedtime? My little brother insisted on that for a while...
 

coz1

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The Golden Pig seems a tad smarter than the rest. But what of the Concrete Porker?
 

J. Passepartout

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Well, the Concrete Porker thought up the plan in the first story... He is basically the Golden Pig's sidekick, though, and the Golden Pig will appear solo more often then the Concrete Porker will. Rest assured that he will eventually star in a solo update or two, and that the solid majority of stories will contain them both.


Thanks, Sultan. Yet another very welcome comment. :)
 

J. Passepartout

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Mike von Bek said:
Hey, we need to get some photos of the real Golden Pig and Concrete Porker!

I would post them, escept I lack both a digital camera and a scanner, either of which are the ways that leap to mind to get the pictures here.
 

J. Passepartout

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After the siege, General Christiansen decided to go to Bremen. Bremen was a member of the alliance that Holstein was in. Alliances are groups where all the armies are pooled together, and the best army is the one that goes to competitions. So Christiansen took a carriage down to Bremen, and halfway there he realised he had forgotten his army back in Holstein. They were still eating that cake. He was quite annoyed, for now all the cake was eaten, and you know how you feel after your birthday when you notice all the cake is gone. So he went back to Holstein. He happened to meet the Golden Pig as he entered camp.

"Hello, Mr. Christiansen. Where have you been?" said the Golden Pig.

"Oh, I've been down Bremen way." He leaned close to the Golden Pig. "I took a peak around, and they have some pretty nice looking cake there."

"Ah, cake? We seem to be running out of that here."

"Yes, and they have cookies there too. With milk."

"Cookies and milk? Interesting. Er, I need to step away for a moment." And the Golden Pig ran off. The army was mobilised in about ten minutes. The Golden Pig was at the forfront. For, you see, he wanted those cookies.

The next day, the army was back in Holstein. Yes, they had gotten to Bremen all right. However, in Bremen, there is a large hill. And it had been raining. The army reached the top of the hill, when the Concrete Porker slipped and fell into the nearest soldier. He fell and hit the next, and so on, like dominoes, until they all were lying muddy at the bottom of the hill. I am not entirely sure how the Concrete Porker got there, but he did somehow. Anyway, the Bremenese aremy laughed very hard. This is not good for morale. The army, embarrassed, ran back to Holstein, crying. You would cry too, if you fell down a hill in the mud and everyone laughed at you.

The Concrete Porker and the Golden Pig concealed themselves in their tent. They were formulating a plan.

"So, Concrete Porker, what should our plan be?"

The Concrete Porker took a stick and began drawing in the dirt.

"We shall go back to Denmark, as shown in this picture, and visit the king, like in this picture. Then we will..." The Concrete Porker continued his planning, with the Golden Pig watching attentively. Finally, they sneaked out of their tent, so that no one saw them, and ran like the wind to Denmark, stopping only momentarily for dinner at the resteurant that all the soldiers ate at while they were in Holstein. Then they continued on their way.

Sleep now. If I tell you everything now, there will be nothing to tell tomorrow night.