haha its been like a month already...still bowing....can't take much more.... :wacko:
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Jopi said:
Great idea, the last update the day before Christmas as a special treat before the big day, something to make you laugh even though everyone's just telling the same jokes and stories, please?
No, don't do that! An ill writer doesn't write as well!:wacko:
It wouldn't work much better if we were to sic something on him either, that would incapacitate him too, methinks... we just gotta wait.
It wouldn't work much better if we were to sic something on him either, that would incapacitate him too, methinks... we just gotta wait.
You guys need to take your medication.
I'm tired of everyday seeing this thread updated to find out its nothing more than some loony feeling the need to add his extra post calling for an update as if the author is watching and is going to say, "Well the 1st 100 posts were tempting me to update but this new one makes me feel I need to now."
Now be quiet till it's upadted, you're giving me a headache.
Thank you.
I'm tired of everyday seeing this thread updated to find out its nothing more than some loony feeling the need to add his extra post calling for an update as if the author is watching and is going to say, "Well the 1st 100 posts were tempting me to update but this new one makes me feel I need to now."
Now be quiet till it's upadted, you're giving me a headache.
Thank you.
My own paragraph of praise and adoration
Having had millions of abortive attempts at creativity (and nothing to show for it) I can understand why it's taking Rustican so long. After all it's supposed to be the grand finale.
I've read this over 2 days and I've been laughing almost non-stop, even while not reading this AAR. I almost wish HOI extended to Alpha Centauri so that this AAR would last longer!
Having had millions of abortive attempts at creativity (and nothing to show for it) I can understand why it's taking Rustican so long. After all it's supposed to be the grand finale.
I've read this over 2 days and I've been laughing almost non-stop, even while not reading this AAR. I almost wish HOI extended to Alpha Centauri so that this AAR would last longer!
I think some more meaningless post demanding for update should be made until the post count is 999 so that the last chapter would be 1000th post
what use does it have? umm none
what use does it have? umm none
He may be taking some of our suggestions, and we will log on Christmas morning to find the finale all wrapped up in pretty paper and bows and such.
Heh, we can only hope for the Second Coming of Rustican...
O come, O come, O Rustican,
Before the @#$% hits the fan,
We mourn in lonely exile here,
Until the final post appear!
Rejoice, rejoice! For Rustican,
shall come to us all if he can!
O come, thou poster from on high,
Who writest all things mightily!
To us the Force Concentration Doctrine show,
And teach us in her ways to go!
Refrain
O come, O come, thou writAAR of might,
Who to thy readers on this forum's height,
In ancient times did give this AAR,
In words and pictures and humor!
Refrain
[edit]
And just to make sure everyone understands:
POST 1000 IS FOR RUSTICAN. NOBODY ELSE SHOULD POST NOW!!!
(There, maybe repeating it will help.)
O come, O come, O Rustican,
Before the @#$% hits the fan,
We mourn in lonely exile here,
Until the final post appear!
Rejoice, rejoice! For Rustican,
shall come to us all if he can!
O come, thou poster from on high,
Who writest all things mightily!
To us the Force Concentration Doctrine show,
And teach us in her ways to go!
Refrain
O come, O come, thou writAAR of might,
Who to thy readers on this forum's height,
In ancient times did give this AAR,
In words and pictures and humor!
Refrain
[edit]
And just to make sure everyone understands:
POST 1000 IS FOR RUSTICAN. NOBODY ELSE SHOULD POST NOW!!!
(There, maybe repeating it will help.)
Last edited:
people won't read that, let me make emphasis.TreizeV said:
Remember the plan guys.... 1000th post is for Rustican.
So, only one left. Some kind of "buffer post" for anyone who can miss this.
EDIT: I can't believe that guy posted... HOW COULD YOU MISS THIS HUGE SIGN!?
Last edited:
If you want an update pronto clap your hands. If you want an update pronto clap your hands. If you want an update pronto. REALY, REALY PRONTO, if want an update pronto clap your hands!!!!
The German RISK Last Chapter
Hitler-vill (AKA:Berlin) 14:36:00 September 30 1945
After a period of harsh and bitter room to room fighting, the rebel German forces led by Rommel, Guderian Von Kluge and Von Manstein could finally rest as the last of the Hitler loyalists within Reichstag caught a bullet in their chest. It would only be a fleeting respite however as all knew that the Leader of the Third Reich had to be stopped from completing his dastardly plan of wiping the Utopian civilization of Haiti off the face of the earth as well as launching the terror of the German war machine to the stars.
For one last time old friends and brothers in arms gather in the war room to plan out a last ditch effort to stop the Fuhrer. Bullet holes line the walls and burnt papers and cracked plaster lay scattered everywhere. Mute testament to the harsh fighting and von Kluges lack of firearms discipline.
As they talk, the men wolf down what little food they find in the blown out pantry. Though it isn’t much they relish it knowing it might be their last meals.
Ribbentrop: (takes a bite from an apple) Well gent’s this is it. We’re guilty of treason and divisions still loyal to the Fuhrer will soon be here. Let’s make this meeting brief shall we?
A nod of heads goes around the table. Rommel chews his piece of crusty bread slowly as Guderian nosily slurps soup from his spoon. Von Kluge and Manstein raid a Luxembourg fruit basket of its oranges and bananas.
Ribbentrop: From the records I’ve managed to find, the Furhrer’s plan is to destroy the peaceful land of Haiti with the use of the most terrifying weapon ever conceived by man. Bigger dice!!! (he slides a picture of the giant 6”x6”x6” glowing die on the table) I myself had never though it possible that our scientists would actually consider developing such a weapon let alone actually building one.
Rommel: For such very smart men, they did something very dumb.
Von Kluge: That thing must have the explosive power of 100,000,000 tons of dynamite or 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons of pop rocks and a can of soda.
Von Manstein: Score one for German engineering!
Von Kluge: Why must humanity be so foolish? Constantly pushing the limits of science regardless of the consequences. Creating dice, bigger and bigger until one day they’ll create dice big enough to destroy the world itself!!!
Guderian: How is he planning to deploy it, heavy bombers? That’s probably the only thing capable of carrying a bomb that size.
Ribbentrop: No. Lucky for us Goering took all the money earmarked for strategic bomber development and used it to buy beer. That’s probably one of the best financial decisions he’s ever made. With planes out of the question the Fuhrer’s plan calls for the Bigger dice to be loaded up into a V2 and launch towards Haiti.
Rommel: What exactly is a V2?
Ribbentrop: It ‘s an early version of a ballistic missile with primitive flight control and guidance capabilities.
Von Kluge: A what?
Ribbentrop: A big bottle rocket. The Fuhrer has had launching pads built within his fortified palace, Castle Wolfnstein. He intends to fire it from there.
Von Mastein: We must stop the Fuhrer. Think of all those poor Haitians! One blast from an atomic die would turn their utopian society into a third world country or worse a fourth world country. That will put them right down there with Libya and Detroit.
Rommel: Easier said than done. Have you forgotten, the Fuhrer holds the One Disk. With that he’s practically invulnerable.
Ribbentrop: Damn it! Those Swedish programmers had no idea the power of what they were creating. The whole world is paying that price now.
Guderian: We don’t even know where he keeps the thing. That’s a problem. We have to get the disk away from him if we stand any hope of taking him down.
Rommel: Maybe… maybe not. (his brows knit in thought)
Von Kluge: You have a plan?
Rommel: I’m not sure yet? I don’t even know what I have to work with. What’s our inventory looking like.
Guderian: We have some small arms, about a thousand rounds of ammunition and my panzer Bertha. Aside from that all I have left is this soupspoon.
Von Kluge: Better than this banana I’m saving for later.
Von Manstein: I’ve got my pocketknife and my Best of David Hasselhoff album.
Rommel: Ok so I’m suppose to plan an assault on the inner sanctum of the Nazi party littered with fanatical loyalist storm troopers, reinforced with god knows what using only a bunch of guns a spoon, a David Hasslehoff cd and a banana? Who the hell do I look like Mcguyver?
Von Kluge: I kind of figured you more of the Bruce Wayne type. Well what are we waiting for? To the Bat mobile!!!
Guderian: Only if you drag my cold dead corps with you. (Thumbs outside the window where Panzer is waiting) Get in the tank, boy wonder.
Rommel: We’re off then Ribbentrop. With us luck.
Ribbentrop: Have fun storming the castle!
Somewhere in the German countryside 20:56:00 September 30 1945
A German tank tears it’s way through the countryside as explosions rain down all around it. Inside the cabin the stereo system blares out music from the Best of David Hasslehoff cd. In the distance, other German panzers are in pursuit. Muzzle flashes and puffs of white smoke burst from their cannon zeroing in on the Tiger.
Inside the Guderian’s Bertha four men use to the terror of battle push their machine to the limit in a race to outrun their pursuers. In the driver’s seat Guderian’s firm grip keeps steady control of the throttles even as the shockwaves outside rattle through the armor plate.
Guderian: Bertha’s a tough girl, but I don’t know how much more of a pounding she can take. She’s not a 2 Euro French whore you know.
Von Mastein mans the massive 120mm cannon. He takes careful aim and fires, and moments later there is one less panzer in pursuit. But from out of nowhere three more emerge to take its place. He continues knocking out tank after tank bur more and more join the chase.
Von Kluge: Where are they all coming from?
Rommel: (Sitting in the commanders seat looking at a map) Well Germany currently has more than 1000 IC to spend. That’s a lot of Industrial capacity to throw around. Heck, we’re researching mini submarines just for the hell of it and they do absolutely nothing.
Von Mastein: I kill one and more take its place. It’s like fighting the Americans except these tanks are actually good. Damn you Henry Ford and your innovative assembly line!!! (continues firing madly)
Rommel: Floor it Guderian. The bridge is just ahead so keep your eyes open. Once we cross the Rhine we can blow the bridge behind us.
Guderian: I see the bridge Rommel! Hold on tight!
The Panzer violent swerves toward the medieval style stone bridge. Artillery rounds explode around them but by some miracle the push through the curtain of shrapnel and continue onward. As they race toward salvation ahead, a lone shell arks gracefully overhead and lands upon the masonry work of the ancient bridge. With a big explosion it tears the structure down into a heap of rubble.
Guderian: The German bridge has fallen down!
Rommel: Fallen down?
Von Manstein: Fallen down?
Guderian: The German bridge has fallen down!
Von Kluge: My fair lady…
Guderian: Suggestions Rommel? The Rhine is coming up pretty fast.
Rommel: I… I don’t know. (He looks around him trying to find some sort of inspiration and then from the din of battle he hears the sweet velvet voice playing on the speakers) What would David Hasslehoff do in a situation like this?
Von Manstein: Yeah, what would David Hasslehoff do?
Von Kluge: David Hasslehoff…
Guderian: Eh?
There are grim looks on all knowing that the situation was not well. Until suddenly the solution came to all of them instantly.
Guderia\Rommel\Kluge\Mastein: Turbo boost!!!
With out a moment’s hesitation the four men hit the big red button on the Panzer’s dashboard! With a sudden jolt Bertha is catapulted into the air as the rear rockets fire propelling the tank across the river Rhine. Bertha lands with a thud and continues onward leaving the stranded pursuers across the other side of the Rhine River.
Outer courtyard Castle Wolfenstein 23:25:00 September 30 1945
In the cool night air, storm troopers walk the parapets of Castle Wolfenstein. All seems calm but a rumbling sound slowly grows from the distance. As the sound grows, spotlights search the surrounding darkness frantically as men rush to their post. As the alarm is sounded an outer wall falls in with a crash as Bertha spends her last breath to plow her way through stonework. She slows to a halt in front of the Castle’s outer gates and her steel hatches fly open as the Field Marshal leap out.
The dark mountain of mortar and stone looms and towers above the men from the lofty perch of it’s position. Torches lining the halls flicker as demon like shadows dance upon the dimly lit walls.
Rommel: This is it. Does everyone remember the plan?
Guderian: Yeah, beat the crap out of Hitler.
A nod of heads goes around.
Von Manstein: It’s a shame we couldn’t sell tickets to this.
Von Kluge: Well, then let’s do it!
Rommel: Synchronize your watches. It’s 11:25:00 mark! Go!
With a grunt Guderian kicks down the door and marches in unloading the clips from the two machine guns in each arm. Von Kluge and Manstein follow on the flanks adding to property damage. Rommel stays to the rear, his eyes in focused concentration with his fingers massaging his temples as he utilizes his Force Concentration Doctrine.
Rommel: Sniper, second window third floor.
Before the sniper even has a chance to level his cross hairs, a bullet post marked from Guderian’s guns dissipates kinetic energy into the man’s skull, and he falls down dead.
Guderian: one…
Rommel: Two more, on upper balcony. (And Guderian responds wheeling and firing)
Rommel: Three men coming down the left corridor!
Von Kluge: I know kung-fu… (He runs to the corner of the entrance and just as the three guard rush through, Kluge extends his arm and cloth’s lines the men taking them out of the action.) … and you don’t.
And the carnage continues as the four masters of warfare fight their way through the layers of security within the castle. The defenders have little chance as Rommel’s all seeing Force Doctrine anticipates their every move, giving the others time to decimate any opposition.
Guderian: (continues firing) Two hundred seventy nine, Two hundred eighty…
Von Manstein: If this was a game I’d say I was playing on easy mode.
Just as he finishes speaking a chill sweeps across the room as from the shadows of the castle halls, black-cloaked figures melt out from the darkness. Their very presence brings with in an aura of death radiating from them.
Rommel: Gestapo agents!
Guderian: Two hundred eighty one.
He fires a bullet straight into the heart of one Gestapo agent. It staggers back from the impact, steadies itself and continues forward. Gritting his teeth in frustration Guderian unloads a full clip into the nearest agent. A pained cry fills the air as it topples to the ground in a heap. He moves on to the next one and the next until he clear out the room of them expending the last from his ammo belt.
Von Kluge: Uh… Heinz, take a look again.
Guderina: What the…
To his amazement the fallen agents slowly rise up from the ground. Open gaping wounds miraculously heal themselves close and once again the agents start their advance.
Rommel: You can’t kill something that doesn’t have a soul.
Von Kluge: What do we do now?
Von Manstein: Make like a Frenchman!!!
The men turn to flee except for one.
Guderian: I don’t like cheese, wine and women with armpit hair. I’m German damn it!
Rommel: Are you mad Heinz?!?! What are you doing?!?
Guderian: We need to stick to the plan Rommel. That’s the only way we can stop the Fuhrer. We can’t do that with these things on our back. I’ll keep the Gestapo agents busy the rest is up to you.
With his jaw clenched Guderian slides on a bayonet onto the barrel of his rifle and with firm resolve turns to face the enemy.
Rommel: But they can’t be killed.
Just then a Gestapo agent emerges from the shadows flying towards Rommel. Guderian is there slamming the bayonet tipped rifle into the agent’s chest with such force that he impales it into the wall. Then proceeds to twist the rifle in his hands as the Gestapo agent flails helplessly.
With a vicious grin Guderian twists some more and the creature dies. After a few moments it revives, screams and dies again. The process repeats itself and Guderian steppes back observing his handiwork.
Guderian: That’s for messing up my count.
Other agents begin to appear hearing the wailing of their comrade. Seeing this Rommel knew what he had to do.
Rommel: Buy us some time Guderian. And give them hell.
Guderian: Done and done. Rommel, remember that the Fuhrer is invulnerable as long as he has in his possession the One Disk.
Rommel: I know Heinz. Don’t be late.
The men nod leaving Guderian to face the Gestapo alone.
Von Manstein: Do you think Heinz will be all right?
Von Kluge: Are you kidding? (looks at the writhing Gestapo agent) This is the first time in my life that I actually felt sorry for something evil.
As the three others run off Guderian holds his ground as the Gestapo come flying towards him. The expression on his face in unreadable as he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls his metal spoon.
Why a spoon?
Guderian: Cause it will hurt more…
And then he charges.
Inner Court Yard Castle Wolfenstein 23:45:00 September 30 1945
Rommel, Kluge and Manstein race through the maze like passages of castle Wolfenstein. Any opposition they meet they destroy with impunity. They run pushing themselves to the limit. Their chest heave and their hearts pound as if they would soon burst.
Von Kluge: Rommel are you sure you know where you are going? (gasps for air as the race up a flight of stone steps)
Rommel: Of course I do. I have logistics doctrine don’t I?
He leads them onward through the corridors until they reach a large open air gallery. Below them in the castle courtyard they see a massive cigar shaped rocket being fueled and prepped for launch.
Von Kluge: There it is the V2!
Rommel: Alright, Kluge, you and Von Manstein find a way to stop the launch.
Van Manstein: Ok but what are you going to do?
Rommel: I’ll take care of the Fuhrer.
Von Kluge: Ok, now how exactly are we supposed to stop an intercontinental ballistic missile from being launched.
Von Manstein: Do I look like a rocket scientist to you? We need to contact experts here! People who have years of experience sabotaging multimillion fun-bucks worth of research development and equipment. People who make thing go boom!
Von Kluge: You mean terrorists?
Von Manstein: (pulls out a cell phone) No, NASA.
Fuhrer’s Chambers Castle Wolfenstein 23:57:30 September 30 1945
Fighting his way through the last of the defenders of the castle, Rommel finds himself in front of the door to the Fuhrer’s chambers. Clentching the pistol in his hands he shoves the door open and goes in.
He enters and sees the short mustached dictator calmly sitting as his desk intently looking at the computer monitor playing out another HOI battle simulation. Hitler look up at him calmly and smiles.
Hitler: Ah Rommel, my brilliant but disloyal field marshal. So this story finally ends with the two of us. I do wonder how this AAR will end. It’s been quite fun to say the least.
Rommel: Where is the One Disk mein Fuhrer? You will surrender it now.
Hitler: To you’re first question it is where it should be. (he eyes the CD-ROM drive of the computer. As to your second, never!!!
He reaches for the disk drive but Rommel levels the pistol at him.
Rommel: This is your last chance mein Fuhrer. Surrender now and I promise you all you’ll face is exile to some remote backwater island for the rest of your life.
Hitler: What? Me live in Great Britain? Never!!! I would rather die that spend the rest of my days in a country that can’t even provide adequate dental care to its citizens!
He stands up and Rommel cocks the pistol menacingly.
Hitler: I say Rommel. Quite unsporting of you. Surely a gentleman of your stature would be willing to settle this once and fore all in a final test of still. You and I Rommel, mono e mono. No guns, no knives, no all powerful One Disk, just what god gave us! (He raises his fist up in front of him taking a boxer’s stance.)
Rommel studies him for a moment and finally comes to a decision. He slides out the clip from his pistol and empties the round in the chamber. He tosses away the gun and clip and also raises his fists.
Rommel: Let’s dance!
In the chamber the grandfather clock begin to chime as midnight had come. The world seems to pause and the grinding gears of the driver would be heard. And finally with the last ominous chime, there is silence.
Fuhrer’s Chambers Castle Wolfenstein 00:00:00 October 01 1945
Hitler: (Grins with glee) Oh, did I forget mention that god gave me a… Luger?
He pulls out a gun from his coat pocket and fires. A shot is heard in the room and a stunned look appears on Rommel’s face as a dark reddish stain begins to bleed through his shirt uniform.
Hitler: It seems that even the wily Rommel will fall for the simplest tricks.
Rommel: No… (he staggers forward trying to take the gun away from the German Leader but his legs buckle and his strength leaves him as he clumsily falls upon Hitler, smearing his blood stained hands upon the Fuhrer’s person before collapsing to the floor.
Hitler: You fool Rommel! Wasting your life this way. I am the undisputed master of this pathetic dirtball Erwin! Soon the last bastion freedom that resides in Haiti shall be blown to dust. You are helpless and alone my dear not even the god’s themselves can help you now. Let this be your final lesson before your miserable traitorous life ends. Good will always lose because Evil cheats.
Rommel: (coughs as blood trickles down his mouth) The world deserves better than you. It’s already had to deal with the likes of Attila the Hun, Napoleon, O.J. Simpson and NSYNC. And even if I fail there will be others who will rise up to oppose your tyranny.
Hitler: Oh really? Like who?
A wall caves in as a Gestapo agent explodes out from the chamber’s door flying through the air until it smashes into the far wall with a satisfying squish. As the dust clears, a figure look worse for the ware steps forward menacingly.
Guderian: I am Guderian, hear me roar!
With a tarnished spoon in hand he reaches back and throws it with all his might toward the evil, evil Fuhrer.
Hitler: You dare oppose me wielder of the One Disk?!?!
Reaching into his breast coat pocket he pulls out the HOI disk. Crafted by ancient Swedish programmers, forged with the radiation of CTR monitors and gallons of Jolt cola, and compiled code with gaps big enough to drive a halftrack through, the One Disk imbued it’s wielder with powers beyond mortal men. Hitler held the disk in front of him just as the spoon came. The kitchen utensil deflected off against the all powerful disk rendering it as useless as HOI version patches 1.01, 1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 1.05a, 1.05b, and 1.05c.
With inhuman speed Hitler charged forward catching the exhausted Guderian with a uppercut to the chin. Helpless against such strength, Guderian could do little to defend himself and soon is was over as the Field marshal lay on the ground a bloody pulp.
Rommel: The disk… how? (looks confusedly as the simulation still running on the computer.
Hitler: The Simulation doesn’t need the disk to run! Fooled you twice Rommel!!!
Rommel: No… we’ve failed.
There is a rumble in the courtyard and as Hitler looks up he grins triumphantly as the V2 rocket launches itself into the air. An aerodynamic masterpiece modeled after a high velocity bullet, the V2 was now unstoppable in it’s mission of doom.
The Furher picks him up the collar and Guderian’s blackened eyes look up.
Hitler: Do you see that Guderian? Do you see my victory!?!? In less than an hour Haiti will be a wasteland and it’s people will be celebrating the X-Mass in a nuclear winter. You have failed Guderian. All of you have failed! I though you had more sense than joining this suicidal scheme. Guderian. You should have known I could never be defeated! What did you hope to accomplish by your actions.
Guderian: (Guderian grins with a broken smile and looks over the desk. )That.
Hitler turns and to his surprise he sees that Rommel though wounded has some how crawled his way to the solid oak desk. Upon it sits a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse.
Hitler: What are you doing? I just had that upholstered! Get away from there!
With the last of his strength Rommel searches the keyboard with his bloody fingers fumbling with the keys searching for something. He finds it and presses it. Then the world goes dark.
LOADINGAUTOSAVE……………………………………………………..
Fuhrer’s Chambers Castle Wolfenstein 00:00:00 October 01 1945
Hitler: (Grins with glee) Oh, did I forget mention that god gave me a… Luger?
He pulls out a gun from his coat pocket and fires. A shot is heard in the room and a stunned look appears on Rommel’s face as a dark reddish stain begins to bleed through his shirt uniform.
Hitler: It seems that even the wily Rommel will fall for the simplest tricks.
Rommel: No… (he staggers forward trying to take the gun away from the German Leader but his legs buckle and his strength leaves him as he clumsily falls upon Hitler, smearing his blood stained hands upon the Fuhrer’s person before collapsing to the floor.
Hitler: You fool Rommel! Wasting your life this way. I am the undisputed master of this pathetic dirtball Erwin! Soon the last bastion freedom that resides in Haiti shall be blown to dust. You are helpless and alone my dear not even the god’s themselves can help you now. Let this be your final lesson before your miserable traitorous life ends. Good will always lose because Evil cheats.
Rommel: (coughs as blood trickles down his mouth) The world deserves better than you. It’s already had to deal with the likes of Attila the Hun, Napoleon, O.J. Simpson and NSYNC. And even if I fail there will be others who will rise up to oppose your tyranny.
Hitler: Oh really? Like who?
A wall caves in as a Gestapo agent explodes out from the chamber’s door flying through the air until it smashes into the far wall with a satisfying squish. As the dust clears, a figure look worse for the ware steps forward menacingly.
Guderian: I am Guderian, hear me roar!
With a tarnished spoon in hand he reaches back and throws it with all his might toward the evil, evil Fuhrer.
Hitler: You dare oppose me wielder of the One Disk?!?!
Reaching into his breast coat pocket he pulls out the HOI disk. Crafted by ancients Swedish programmers, forged with the radiation of… Hitler’s eyes widen as his eyes focus on the silver disk in his hands. He reads the label.
Hitler: The Best of David Hasselh—
He’s interrupted as Guderian’s spoon strikes the plastic cd shattering it and proceeds to imbed itself in the Fuhrer’s jugular. A stunned Hitler falls back gurgling as blood pours from his throat.
A tired Rommel looks at him and sees the confused expression on the Third Reich’s leader’s face. He pulls out the HOI disk tucked in his pocket.
Rommel: Switched them after you shot me. And one last lesson for your mein Fuhrer, Evil may cheat, but Good saves.
With one last gurgle the leader of the fearsome Third Reich falls dead and at last it is over. Rommel struggles to stand up, and Guderian is there to help.
Guderian: You ok?
Rommel: (winces slightly) Only a flesh wound.
Guderian: What are we going to do about the rocket? There’s no way of stopping it now. It will take a miracle.
Voice: Anybody alive in there? Preferably somebody not evil.
Guderian turns and look up to see Von Kluge and Von Manstein stepping through the shattered doorway.
Von Kluge: Christ, you guys look like crap.
Rommel: We feel like it too. There’s no way to stop the V2. Haiti is doomed
Von Manstein: Au contraire, mon frare my good field marshal but my collogue Von Kluge an I have taken care of that problem. Observe.
The four men look out the window to the rising rocket climbing higher and higher. Then suddenly for apparently no reason, it exploded in a giant cloud of white smoke. Parts and debris began to rain from the sky minuses any nuclear fireball.
Guderian: Ok, I’ll bite. How did you guys do that?
Von Kluge: Shoved a banana in the tailpipe.
Guderian: You’re shitting me.
Von Manstein: Nope. Who would have figured that all you would need to save the world would be a spoon a David Hasselhoff cd and a banana.
Rommel: I love it when a plan comes together.
Cue A-Team Music…
Roll Credits…
Fin
This AAR has been brought to you by Rustican. Someone with too much time on his hands. Thank you for reading.
PS: Will post Epilogue after the new year
Hitler-vill (AKA:Berlin) 14:36:00 September 30 1945
After a period of harsh and bitter room to room fighting, the rebel German forces led by Rommel, Guderian Von Kluge and Von Manstein could finally rest as the last of the Hitler loyalists within Reichstag caught a bullet in their chest. It would only be a fleeting respite however as all knew that the Leader of the Third Reich had to be stopped from completing his dastardly plan of wiping the Utopian civilization of Haiti off the face of the earth as well as launching the terror of the German war machine to the stars.
For one last time old friends and brothers in arms gather in the war room to plan out a last ditch effort to stop the Fuhrer. Bullet holes line the walls and burnt papers and cracked plaster lay scattered everywhere. Mute testament to the harsh fighting and von Kluges lack of firearms discipline.
As they talk, the men wolf down what little food they find in the blown out pantry. Though it isn’t much they relish it knowing it might be their last meals.
Ribbentrop: (takes a bite from an apple) Well gent’s this is it. We’re guilty of treason and divisions still loyal to the Fuhrer will soon be here. Let’s make this meeting brief shall we?
A nod of heads goes around the table. Rommel chews his piece of crusty bread slowly as Guderian nosily slurps soup from his spoon. Von Kluge and Manstein raid a Luxembourg fruit basket of its oranges and bananas.
Ribbentrop: From the records I’ve managed to find, the Furhrer’s plan is to destroy the peaceful land of Haiti with the use of the most terrifying weapon ever conceived by man. Bigger dice!!! (he slides a picture of the giant 6”x6”x6” glowing die on the table) I myself had never though it possible that our scientists would actually consider developing such a weapon let alone actually building one.
Rommel: For such very smart men, they did something very dumb.
Von Kluge: That thing must have the explosive power of 100,000,000 tons of dynamite or 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons of pop rocks and a can of soda.
Von Manstein: Score one for German engineering!
Von Kluge: Why must humanity be so foolish? Constantly pushing the limits of science regardless of the consequences. Creating dice, bigger and bigger until one day they’ll create dice big enough to destroy the world itself!!!
Guderian: How is he planning to deploy it, heavy bombers? That’s probably the only thing capable of carrying a bomb that size.
Ribbentrop: No. Lucky for us Goering took all the money earmarked for strategic bomber development and used it to buy beer. That’s probably one of the best financial decisions he’s ever made. With planes out of the question the Fuhrer’s plan calls for the Bigger dice to be loaded up into a V2 and launch towards Haiti.
Rommel: What exactly is a V2?
Ribbentrop: It ‘s an early version of a ballistic missile with primitive flight control and guidance capabilities.
Von Kluge: A what?
Ribbentrop: A big bottle rocket. The Fuhrer has had launching pads built within his fortified palace, Castle Wolfnstein. He intends to fire it from there.
Von Mastein: We must stop the Fuhrer. Think of all those poor Haitians! One blast from an atomic die would turn their utopian society into a third world country or worse a fourth world country. That will put them right down there with Libya and Detroit.
Rommel: Easier said than done. Have you forgotten, the Fuhrer holds the One Disk. With that he’s practically invulnerable.
Ribbentrop: Damn it! Those Swedish programmers had no idea the power of what they were creating. The whole world is paying that price now.
Guderian: We don’t even know where he keeps the thing. That’s a problem. We have to get the disk away from him if we stand any hope of taking him down.
Rommel: Maybe… maybe not. (his brows knit in thought)
Von Kluge: You have a plan?
Rommel: I’m not sure yet? I don’t even know what I have to work with. What’s our inventory looking like.
Guderian: We have some small arms, about a thousand rounds of ammunition and my panzer Bertha. Aside from that all I have left is this soupspoon.
Von Kluge: Better than this banana I’m saving for later.
Von Manstein: I’ve got my pocketknife and my Best of David Hasselhoff album.
Rommel: Ok so I’m suppose to plan an assault on the inner sanctum of the Nazi party littered with fanatical loyalist storm troopers, reinforced with god knows what using only a bunch of guns a spoon, a David Hasslehoff cd and a banana? Who the hell do I look like Mcguyver?
Von Kluge: I kind of figured you more of the Bruce Wayne type. Well what are we waiting for? To the Bat mobile!!!
Guderian: Only if you drag my cold dead corps with you. (Thumbs outside the window where Panzer is waiting) Get in the tank, boy wonder.
Rommel: We’re off then Ribbentrop. With us luck.
Ribbentrop: Have fun storming the castle!
Somewhere in the German countryside 20:56:00 September 30 1945
A German tank tears it’s way through the countryside as explosions rain down all around it. Inside the cabin the stereo system blares out music from the Best of David Hasslehoff cd. In the distance, other German panzers are in pursuit. Muzzle flashes and puffs of white smoke burst from their cannon zeroing in on the Tiger.
Inside the Guderian’s Bertha four men use to the terror of battle push their machine to the limit in a race to outrun their pursuers. In the driver’s seat Guderian’s firm grip keeps steady control of the throttles even as the shockwaves outside rattle through the armor plate.
Guderian: Bertha’s a tough girl, but I don’t know how much more of a pounding she can take. She’s not a 2 Euro French whore you know.
Von Mastein mans the massive 120mm cannon. He takes careful aim and fires, and moments later there is one less panzer in pursuit. But from out of nowhere three more emerge to take its place. He continues knocking out tank after tank bur more and more join the chase.
Von Kluge: Where are they all coming from?
Rommel: (Sitting in the commanders seat looking at a map) Well Germany currently has more than 1000 IC to spend. That’s a lot of Industrial capacity to throw around. Heck, we’re researching mini submarines just for the hell of it and they do absolutely nothing.
Von Mastein: I kill one and more take its place. It’s like fighting the Americans except these tanks are actually good. Damn you Henry Ford and your innovative assembly line!!! (continues firing madly)
Rommel: Floor it Guderian. The bridge is just ahead so keep your eyes open. Once we cross the Rhine we can blow the bridge behind us.
Guderian: I see the bridge Rommel! Hold on tight!
The Panzer violent swerves toward the medieval style stone bridge. Artillery rounds explode around them but by some miracle the push through the curtain of shrapnel and continue onward. As they race toward salvation ahead, a lone shell arks gracefully overhead and lands upon the masonry work of the ancient bridge. With a big explosion it tears the structure down into a heap of rubble.
Guderian: The German bridge has fallen down!
Rommel: Fallen down?
Von Manstein: Fallen down?
Guderian: The German bridge has fallen down!
Von Kluge: My fair lady…
Guderian: Suggestions Rommel? The Rhine is coming up pretty fast.
Rommel: I… I don’t know. (He looks around him trying to find some sort of inspiration and then from the din of battle he hears the sweet velvet voice playing on the speakers) What would David Hasslehoff do in a situation like this?
Von Manstein: Yeah, what would David Hasslehoff do?
Von Kluge: David Hasslehoff…
Guderian: Eh?
There are grim looks on all knowing that the situation was not well. Until suddenly the solution came to all of them instantly.
Guderia\Rommel\Kluge\Mastein: Turbo boost!!!
With out a moment’s hesitation the four men hit the big red button on the Panzer’s dashboard! With a sudden jolt Bertha is catapulted into the air as the rear rockets fire propelling the tank across the river Rhine. Bertha lands with a thud and continues onward leaving the stranded pursuers across the other side of the Rhine River.
Outer courtyard Castle Wolfenstein 23:25:00 September 30 1945
In the cool night air, storm troopers walk the parapets of Castle Wolfenstein. All seems calm but a rumbling sound slowly grows from the distance. As the sound grows, spotlights search the surrounding darkness frantically as men rush to their post. As the alarm is sounded an outer wall falls in with a crash as Bertha spends her last breath to plow her way through stonework. She slows to a halt in front of the Castle’s outer gates and her steel hatches fly open as the Field Marshal leap out.
The dark mountain of mortar and stone looms and towers above the men from the lofty perch of it’s position. Torches lining the halls flicker as demon like shadows dance upon the dimly lit walls.
Rommel: This is it. Does everyone remember the plan?
Guderian: Yeah, beat the crap out of Hitler.
A nod of heads goes around.
Von Manstein: It’s a shame we couldn’t sell tickets to this.
Von Kluge: Well, then let’s do it!
Rommel: Synchronize your watches. It’s 11:25:00 mark! Go!
With a grunt Guderian kicks down the door and marches in unloading the clips from the two machine guns in each arm. Von Kluge and Manstein follow on the flanks adding to property damage. Rommel stays to the rear, his eyes in focused concentration with his fingers massaging his temples as he utilizes his Force Concentration Doctrine.
Rommel: Sniper, second window third floor.
Before the sniper even has a chance to level his cross hairs, a bullet post marked from Guderian’s guns dissipates kinetic energy into the man’s skull, and he falls down dead.
Guderian: one…
Rommel: Two more, on upper balcony. (And Guderian responds wheeling and firing)
Rommel: Three men coming down the left corridor!
Von Kluge: I know kung-fu… (He runs to the corner of the entrance and just as the three guard rush through, Kluge extends his arm and cloth’s lines the men taking them out of the action.) … and you don’t.
And the carnage continues as the four masters of warfare fight their way through the layers of security within the castle. The defenders have little chance as Rommel’s all seeing Force Doctrine anticipates their every move, giving the others time to decimate any opposition.
Guderian: (continues firing) Two hundred seventy nine, Two hundred eighty…
Von Manstein: If this was a game I’d say I was playing on easy mode.
Just as he finishes speaking a chill sweeps across the room as from the shadows of the castle halls, black-cloaked figures melt out from the darkness. Their very presence brings with in an aura of death radiating from them.
Rommel: Gestapo agents!
Guderian: Two hundred eighty one.
He fires a bullet straight into the heart of one Gestapo agent. It staggers back from the impact, steadies itself and continues forward. Gritting his teeth in frustration Guderian unloads a full clip into the nearest agent. A pained cry fills the air as it topples to the ground in a heap. He moves on to the next one and the next until he clear out the room of them expending the last from his ammo belt.
Von Kluge: Uh… Heinz, take a look again.
Guderina: What the…
To his amazement the fallen agents slowly rise up from the ground. Open gaping wounds miraculously heal themselves close and once again the agents start their advance.
Rommel: You can’t kill something that doesn’t have a soul.
Von Kluge: What do we do now?
Von Manstein: Make like a Frenchman!!!
The men turn to flee except for one.
Guderian: I don’t like cheese, wine and women with armpit hair. I’m German damn it!
Rommel: Are you mad Heinz?!?! What are you doing?!?
Guderian: We need to stick to the plan Rommel. That’s the only way we can stop the Fuhrer. We can’t do that with these things on our back. I’ll keep the Gestapo agents busy the rest is up to you.
With his jaw clenched Guderian slides on a bayonet onto the barrel of his rifle and with firm resolve turns to face the enemy.
Rommel: But they can’t be killed.
Just then a Gestapo agent emerges from the shadows flying towards Rommel. Guderian is there slamming the bayonet tipped rifle into the agent’s chest with such force that he impales it into the wall. Then proceeds to twist the rifle in his hands as the Gestapo agent flails helplessly.
With a vicious grin Guderian twists some more and the creature dies. After a few moments it revives, screams and dies again. The process repeats itself and Guderian steppes back observing his handiwork.
Guderian: That’s for messing up my count.
Other agents begin to appear hearing the wailing of their comrade. Seeing this Rommel knew what he had to do.
Rommel: Buy us some time Guderian. And give them hell.
Guderian: Done and done. Rommel, remember that the Fuhrer is invulnerable as long as he has in his possession the One Disk.
Rommel: I know Heinz. Don’t be late.
The men nod leaving Guderian to face the Gestapo alone.
Von Manstein: Do you think Heinz will be all right?
Von Kluge: Are you kidding? (looks at the writhing Gestapo agent) This is the first time in my life that I actually felt sorry for something evil.
As the three others run off Guderian holds his ground as the Gestapo come flying towards him. The expression on his face in unreadable as he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls his metal spoon.
Why a spoon?
Guderian: Cause it will hurt more…
And then he charges.
Inner Court Yard Castle Wolfenstein 23:45:00 September 30 1945
Rommel, Kluge and Manstein race through the maze like passages of castle Wolfenstein. Any opposition they meet they destroy with impunity. They run pushing themselves to the limit. Their chest heave and their hearts pound as if they would soon burst.
Von Kluge: Rommel are you sure you know where you are going? (gasps for air as the race up a flight of stone steps)
Rommel: Of course I do. I have logistics doctrine don’t I?
He leads them onward through the corridors until they reach a large open air gallery. Below them in the castle courtyard they see a massive cigar shaped rocket being fueled and prepped for launch.
Von Kluge: There it is the V2!
Rommel: Alright, Kluge, you and Von Manstein find a way to stop the launch.
Van Manstein: Ok but what are you going to do?
Rommel: I’ll take care of the Fuhrer.
Von Kluge: Ok, now how exactly are we supposed to stop an intercontinental ballistic missile from being launched.
Von Manstein: Do I look like a rocket scientist to you? We need to contact experts here! People who have years of experience sabotaging multimillion fun-bucks worth of research development and equipment. People who make thing go boom!
Von Kluge: You mean terrorists?
Von Manstein: (pulls out a cell phone) No, NASA.
Fuhrer’s Chambers Castle Wolfenstein 23:57:30 September 30 1945
Fighting his way through the last of the defenders of the castle, Rommel finds himself in front of the door to the Fuhrer’s chambers. Clentching the pistol in his hands he shoves the door open and goes in.
He enters and sees the short mustached dictator calmly sitting as his desk intently looking at the computer monitor playing out another HOI battle simulation. Hitler look up at him calmly and smiles.
Hitler: Ah Rommel, my brilliant but disloyal field marshal. So this story finally ends with the two of us. I do wonder how this AAR will end. It’s been quite fun to say the least.
Rommel: Where is the One Disk mein Fuhrer? You will surrender it now.
Hitler: To you’re first question it is where it should be. (he eyes the CD-ROM drive of the computer. As to your second, never!!!
He reaches for the disk drive but Rommel levels the pistol at him.
Rommel: This is your last chance mein Fuhrer. Surrender now and I promise you all you’ll face is exile to some remote backwater island for the rest of your life.
Hitler: What? Me live in Great Britain? Never!!! I would rather die that spend the rest of my days in a country that can’t even provide adequate dental care to its citizens!
He stands up and Rommel cocks the pistol menacingly.
Hitler: I say Rommel. Quite unsporting of you. Surely a gentleman of your stature would be willing to settle this once and fore all in a final test of still. You and I Rommel, mono e mono. No guns, no knives, no all powerful One Disk, just what god gave us! (He raises his fist up in front of him taking a boxer’s stance.)
Rommel studies him for a moment and finally comes to a decision. He slides out the clip from his pistol and empties the round in the chamber. He tosses away the gun and clip and also raises his fists.
Rommel: Let’s dance!
In the chamber the grandfather clock begin to chime as midnight had come. The world seems to pause and the grinding gears of the driver would be heard. And finally with the last ominous chime, there is silence.
Fuhrer’s Chambers Castle Wolfenstein 00:00:00 October 01 1945
Hitler: (Grins with glee) Oh, did I forget mention that god gave me a… Luger?
He pulls out a gun from his coat pocket and fires. A shot is heard in the room and a stunned look appears on Rommel’s face as a dark reddish stain begins to bleed through his shirt uniform.
Hitler: It seems that even the wily Rommel will fall for the simplest tricks.
Rommel: No… (he staggers forward trying to take the gun away from the German Leader but his legs buckle and his strength leaves him as he clumsily falls upon Hitler, smearing his blood stained hands upon the Fuhrer’s person before collapsing to the floor.
Hitler: You fool Rommel! Wasting your life this way. I am the undisputed master of this pathetic dirtball Erwin! Soon the last bastion freedom that resides in Haiti shall be blown to dust. You are helpless and alone my dear not even the god’s themselves can help you now. Let this be your final lesson before your miserable traitorous life ends. Good will always lose because Evil cheats.
Rommel: (coughs as blood trickles down his mouth) The world deserves better than you. It’s already had to deal with the likes of Attila the Hun, Napoleon, O.J. Simpson and NSYNC. And even if I fail there will be others who will rise up to oppose your tyranny.
Hitler: Oh really? Like who?
A wall caves in as a Gestapo agent explodes out from the chamber’s door flying through the air until it smashes into the far wall with a satisfying squish. As the dust clears, a figure look worse for the ware steps forward menacingly.
Guderian: I am Guderian, hear me roar!
With a tarnished spoon in hand he reaches back and throws it with all his might toward the evil, evil Fuhrer.
Hitler: You dare oppose me wielder of the One Disk?!?!
Reaching into his breast coat pocket he pulls out the HOI disk. Crafted by ancient Swedish programmers, forged with the radiation of CTR monitors and gallons of Jolt cola, and compiled code with gaps big enough to drive a halftrack through, the One Disk imbued it’s wielder with powers beyond mortal men. Hitler held the disk in front of him just as the spoon came. The kitchen utensil deflected off against the all powerful disk rendering it as useless as HOI version patches 1.01, 1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 1.05a, 1.05b, and 1.05c.
With inhuman speed Hitler charged forward catching the exhausted Guderian with a uppercut to the chin. Helpless against such strength, Guderian could do little to defend himself and soon is was over as the Field marshal lay on the ground a bloody pulp.
Rommel: The disk… how? (looks confusedly as the simulation still running on the computer.
Hitler: The Simulation doesn’t need the disk to run! Fooled you twice Rommel!!!
Rommel: No… we’ve failed.
There is a rumble in the courtyard and as Hitler looks up he grins triumphantly as the V2 rocket launches itself into the air. An aerodynamic masterpiece modeled after a high velocity bullet, the V2 was now unstoppable in it’s mission of doom.
The Furher picks him up the collar and Guderian’s blackened eyes look up.
Hitler: Do you see that Guderian? Do you see my victory!?!? In less than an hour Haiti will be a wasteland and it’s people will be celebrating the X-Mass in a nuclear winter. You have failed Guderian. All of you have failed! I though you had more sense than joining this suicidal scheme. Guderian. You should have known I could never be defeated! What did you hope to accomplish by your actions.
Guderian: (Guderian grins with a broken smile and looks over the desk. )That.
Hitler turns and to his surprise he sees that Rommel though wounded has some how crawled his way to the solid oak desk. Upon it sits a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse.
Hitler: What are you doing? I just had that upholstered! Get away from there!
With the last of his strength Rommel searches the keyboard with his bloody fingers fumbling with the keys searching for something. He finds it and presses it. Then the world goes dark.
LOADINGAUTOSAVE……………………………………………………..
Fuhrer’s Chambers Castle Wolfenstein 00:00:00 October 01 1945
Hitler: (Grins with glee) Oh, did I forget mention that god gave me a… Luger?
He pulls out a gun from his coat pocket and fires. A shot is heard in the room and a stunned look appears on Rommel’s face as a dark reddish stain begins to bleed through his shirt uniform.
Hitler: It seems that even the wily Rommel will fall for the simplest tricks.
Rommel: No… (he staggers forward trying to take the gun away from the German Leader but his legs buckle and his strength leaves him as he clumsily falls upon Hitler, smearing his blood stained hands upon the Fuhrer’s person before collapsing to the floor.
Hitler: You fool Rommel! Wasting your life this way. I am the undisputed master of this pathetic dirtball Erwin! Soon the last bastion freedom that resides in Haiti shall be blown to dust. You are helpless and alone my dear not even the god’s themselves can help you now. Let this be your final lesson before your miserable traitorous life ends. Good will always lose because Evil cheats.
Rommel: (coughs as blood trickles down his mouth) The world deserves better than you. It’s already had to deal with the likes of Attila the Hun, Napoleon, O.J. Simpson and NSYNC. And even if I fail there will be others who will rise up to oppose your tyranny.
Hitler: Oh really? Like who?
A wall caves in as a Gestapo agent explodes out from the chamber’s door flying through the air until it smashes into the far wall with a satisfying squish. As the dust clears, a figure look worse for the ware steps forward menacingly.
Guderian: I am Guderian, hear me roar!
With a tarnished spoon in hand he reaches back and throws it with all his might toward the evil, evil Fuhrer.
Hitler: You dare oppose me wielder of the One Disk?!?!
Reaching into his breast coat pocket he pulls out the HOI disk. Crafted by ancients Swedish programmers, forged with the radiation of… Hitler’s eyes widen as his eyes focus on the silver disk in his hands. He reads the label.
Hitler: The Best of David Hasselh—
He’s interrupted as Guderian’s spoon strikes the plastic cd shattering it and proceeds to imbed itself in the Fuhrer’s jugular. A stunned Hitler falls back gurgling as blood pours from his throat.
A tired Rommel looks at him and sees the confused expression on the Third Reich’s leader’s face. He pulls out the HOI disk tucked in his pocket.
Rommel: Switched them after you shot me. And one last lesson for your mein Fuhrer, Evil may cheat, but Good saves.
With one last gurgle the leader of the fearsome Third Reich falls dead and at last it is over. Rommel struggles to stand up, and Guderian is there to help.
Guderian: You ok?
Rommel: (winces slightly) Only a flesh wound.
Guderian: What are we going to do about the rocket? There’s no way of stopping it now. It will take a miracle.
Voice: Anybody alive in there? Preferably somebody not evil.
Guderian turns and look up to see Von Kluge and Von Manstein stepping through the shattered doorway.
Von Kluge: Christ, you guys look like crap.
Rommel: We feel like it too. There’s no way to stop the V2. Haiti is doomed
Von Manstein: Au contraire, mon frare my good field marshal but my collogue Von Kluge an I have taken care of that problem. Observe.
The four men look out the window to the rising rocket climbing higher and higher. Then suddenly for apparently no reason, it exploded in a giant cloud of white smoke. Parts and debris began to rain from the sky minuses any nuclear fireball.
Guderian: Ok, I’ll bite. How did you guys do that?
Von Kluge: Shoved a banana in the tailpipe.
Guderian: You’re shitting me.
Von Manstein: Nope. Who would have figured that all you would need to save the world would be a spoon a David Hasselhoff cd and a banana.
Rommel: I love it when a plan comes together.
Cue A-Team Music…
Roll Credits…
Fin
This AAR has been brought to you by Rustican. Someone with too much time on his hands. Thank you for reading.
PS: Will post Epilogue after the new year
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