I started to feel sorry picking on those RISK players out there. So i might as well spread the love and get a few jabs in on the Axis and Allies community. 
Well, back to HOI!
Well, back to HOI!
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Berlin December 24th Evening 1940
It’s X-mass eve and the command staff is gathered around the tree colorfully decorated with death’s heads skulls and swastikas.
Everyone: (singing)
Silent night, planes in flight,
Alls not calm, in the fire fight.
Round big cannons blast the enemy’s lines,
A toast to victory with a draught from our steins!
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Hooray!!!
Cheers fill the room as and beer mugs are lifted into the air!
Hitler: Ah… nothing like a good German X-mass carol to get into the holiday spirit.
Georing: That one always brings a tear to my eyes. (sniff)
Hitler: Yeah, that one’s one of my favorites too.
Next to the fireplace Hitler sees Grand Admiral Raeder looking blue for the Holidays.
Hitler: Raeder’s looking a bit under the weather over there, isn’t he Ribbi?
Ribbentrop: Yes, he’s a bit sad that he didn’t get to go out and play with everyone else in their war games. He’s feeling kind of left out.
Hitler: Well, let do something about that then. (walks up to the Grand Admeral)
Raeder: Mein Fuhrer, is there something I can do for you?
Hitler: Actually, Georing and I got a little something for you this X-mass. Mind you our budget’s been pretty tight this year, what with conquering the world an all, but we’ve scrounged up enough to give you this. (hands him a gift wrapped box)
Raeder: (quickly unwraps it and his eyes go wide) Naval doctrines??? It’s just what I wanted!!!
Hitler: Merry X-Mass Rader!
Raeder: (runs around the room like a school boy) Hey, everyone look what the Fuhrer got me! Look what the Fuhrer got me!
Next Guderian, Rommel, von Manstein and von Kludge make their way up to the Fuhrer men: Heil Hitler! (they all salute)
Hitler: (high fives them all) It’s good to have all my field marshals back. You boys have made me proud. I was worried that I might have had to call the Gestapo on you, especially you Kludge, but I’m glad I didn’t.
von Kludge: Aww… shucks. (blushes)
Guderian: Mein Furer, all of us wanted to get you something special from the holiday.
Rommel: But it was pretty hard coming up with something.
Von Manstein: Yeah, I mean, what do you get the leader of the Thousand year Riche for X-mass?
Hitler: You guys should know that a cold old stein of beer and some world conquest is good enough for me.
Von Kludge: Yup! Which is exactly why we got you a six pack of Heineken and Yugoslavia!!!
Hitler: Y-You did! (all choked up) You guys are the best bunch of field marshals a warmongering dictator could ask for! Group hug everybody!
Ribbentrop: (dabs his eyes with a handkerchief) This is a Kodak moment!
It’s X-mass eve and the command staff is gathered around the tree colorfully decorated with death’s heads skulls and swastikas.
Everyone: (singing)
Silent night, planes in flight,
Alls not calm, in the fire fight.
Round big cannons blast the enemy’s lines,
A toast to victory with a draught from our steins!
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Hooray!!!
Cheers fill the room as and beer mugs are lifted into the air!
Hitler: Ah… nothing like a good German X-mass carol to get into the holiday spirit.
Georing: That one always brings a tear to my eyes. (sniff)
Hitler: Yeah, that one’s one of my favorites too.
Next to the fireplace Hitler sees Grand Admiral Raeder looking blue for the Holidays.
Hitler: Raeder’s looking a bit under the weather over there, isn’t he Ribbi?
Ribbentrop: Yes, he’s a bit sad that he didn’t get to go out and play with everyone else in their war games. He’s feeling kind of left out.
Hitler: Well, let do something about that then. (walks up to the Grand Admeral)
Raeder: Mein Fuhrer, is there something I can do for you?
Hitler: Actually, Georing and I got a little something for you this X-mass. Mind you our budget’s been pretty tight this year, what with conquering the world an all, but we’ve scrounged up enough to give you this. (hands him a gift wrapped box)
Raeder: (quickly unwraps it and his eyes go wide) Naval doctrines??? It’s just what I wanted!!!
Hitler: Merry X-Mass Rader!
Raeder: (runs around the room like a school boy) Hey, everyone look what the Fuhrer got me! Look what the Fuhrer got me!
Next Guderian, Rommel, von Manstein and von Kludge make their way up to the Fuhrer men: Heil Hitler! (they all salute)
Hitler: (high fives them all) It’s good to have all my field marshals back. You boys have made me proud. I was worried that I might have had to call the Gestapo on you, especially you Kludge, but I’m glad I didn’t.
von Kludge: Aww… shucks. (blushes)
Guderian: Mein Furer, all of us wanted to get you something special from the holiday.
Rommel: But it was pretty hard coming up with something.
Von Manstein: Yeah, I mean, what do you get the leader of the Thousand year Riche for X-mass?
Hitler: You guys should know that a cold old stein of beer and some world conquest is good enough for me.
Von Kludge: Yup! Which is exactly why we got you a six pack of Heineken and Yugoslavia!!!
Hitler: Y-You did! (all choked up) You guys are the best bunch of field marshals a warmongering dictator could ask for! Group hug everybody!
Ribbentrop: (dabs his eyes with a handkerchief) This is a Kodak moment!
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Well, I'll see you guys later, I'm going to the hospital. I think I broke something from laughing so hard...
Wonderful stuff, Rustican, the "high fives" crack me up every time.
Wonderful stuff, Rustican, the "high fives" crack me up every time.
They say laughter is the best medicine.
Please don’t sue me for malpractice.
Please don’t sue me for malpractice.
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If this AAR was a soup I would have it everyday and live in a giant bowl of it, where I would paint paintings and write poems about it....but your AAR is not soup, so I'll just read it.
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"You guys are the best bunch of field marshals a warmongering dictator could ask for! Group hug everybody!"
Quite possibly the best line I've ever read in any AAR!
Quite possibly the best line I've ever read in any AAR!
you call heineken a beer ????
but a nice aar bring some more to read Heineken needs gestapo
Originally posted by pit
you call heineken a beer ????
Heineken needs gestapo
Yes, us Americans consider Heineken a beer. But remember, we also considered a Sherman a tank.
Berlin January 1941
Hitler, is sitting at his desk looking out his window watching the snow fall over the city of Berlin. He takes a sip from his mug.
Hitler: Hot coco, yummy!
Just then the doors to the study open and the now familiar command staff walk in. Ribbentrop is the last to walk in and closes the oak doors behind him.
Hitler: Wonderful everyone’s here. Hot coco anyone? It’s Swiss, best there is you know. Ahh, Switzerland, the land of cheese, chocolates and neutral cowards. Help yourself everyone. (he comes over to the long table where everyone is seated and sets a tray of mugs, a pitcher of coco and a jar of Marshmallows.)
Rommel: I’ll have some.
Guderian: Two marshmallows in mine please:
Von Kludge: The same for me.
Von Manstein: Hey! Who ate all the marshmallows?
Raeder: I know I didn’t.
Georing: (mouth full) Ribben… munch… trop… chew… chew… did it.
Everyone rolls their eyes.
Ribbentrop: This coco really is good!
Hitler: Yup, hot coco on a winter’s day can make even the most sadistic, black hearted dictator feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes it’s just the little things in life that I enjoy the most. Like, watching snowflakes fall, sipping my chocolate, annexing Poland…
Everyone: (with unsure looks) Ok….
Hitler: Well, another year has past and its been an eventful one at that. My dream for the Thousand year Reich is finally becoming a reality.
Von Kludge: Um… don’t you mean Nine hundred and Ninety Nine year Reich?
Hitler: (blinks) You know, you’re right! We’re already down a year so we’ve only got nine hundred and ninety nine years left! We better get cracking then! Alright, Ribbi, what’s the situation in northern France along the English channel?
Ribbentrop: Well, mein Fuhrer, we have started to build fortifications along the coastal regions because British, Canadian, Australian and… I’m afraid to say Iraqi troops keep trying to land forces there.
Everyone (except Rommel): (horrified gasps fill the room) Not the Iraqis!
Ribbentroop: Yes, the Iraqis.
Hitler: Damn this is bad. I never considered the Iraqis coming after us.
Georing: My god! We’re doomed! Doooooooommmmmmmmed!!!!
Rader: Maybe this is a good time to go fishing… in the Artic Ocean.
Von Kludge: Well, I’m moving to France, later!
Von Manstein: Hey, when did you turn into a Luxemburger?
Rommel: What’s so bad about the Iraqis? (looks around confused)
Guderian: Don’t you know anything? The Iraqis have…
Everyone (except Rommel): WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
Rommel: Oh… that’s bad.
Hitler: Ok everyone, let’s not panic here… There has to be some way out of this.
Georing: We could surrender.
Hitler: No, surrender is an option only for the weak and the Polish! We have to fight! Get them before they get us!
Guderian: The Fuhrer is right! We have to defend ourselves. And everyone knows that the best defense is to run your foe over with Panzers!
Von Kludge: But how do we get there?
Rommel: Through Greece, then Turkey. That’s the shortest route!
Von Manstein: I recommend we annex Greece for their own protection!
Hitler: Good thinking Mastein! As for Turkey I wan Ribbi to gain military access instead though. I don’t want another border with Russia. One is more than enough.
Ribbentrop: It will be done mein Furhrer!
Everyone: For the glory of the Nine hundred and Ninety Nine year Reich!!!
Hitler, is sitting at his desk looking out his window watching the snow fall over the city of Berlin. He takes a sip from his mug.
Hitler: Hot coco, yummy!
Just then the doors to the study open and the now familiar command staff walk in. Ribbentrop is the last to walk in and closes the oak doors behind him.
Hitler: Wonderful everyone’s here. Hot coco anyone? It’s Swiss, best there is you know. Ahh, Switzerland, the land of cheese, chocolates and neutral cowards. Help yourself everyone. (he comes over to the long table where everyone is seated and sets a tray of mugs, a pitcher of coco and a jar of Marshmallows.)
Rommel: I’ll have some.
Guderian: Two marshmallows in mine please:
Von Kludge: The same for me.
Von Manstein: Hey! Who ate all the marshmallows?
Raeder: I know I didn’t.
Georing: (mouth full) Ribben… munch… trop… chew… chew… did it.
Everyone rolls their eyes.
Ribbentrop: This coco really is good!
Hitler: Yup, hot coco on a winter’s day can make even the most sadistic, black hearted dictator feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes it’s just the little things in life that I enjoy the most. Like, watching snowflakes fall, sipping my chocolate, annexing Poland…
Everyone: (with unsure looks) Ok….
Hitler: Well, another year has past and its been an eventful one at that. My dream for the Thousand year Reich is finally becoming a reality.
Von Kludge: Um… don’t you mean Nine hundred and Ninety Nine year Reich?
Hitler: (blinks) You know, you’re right! We’re already down a year so we’ve only got nine hundred and ninety nine years left! We better get cracking then! Alright, Ribbi, what’s the situation in northern France along the English channel?
Ribbentrop: Well, mein Fuhrer, we have started to build fortifications along the coastal regions because British, Canadian, Australian and… I’m afraid to say Iraqi troops keep trying to land forces there.
Everyone (except Rommel): (horrified gasps fill the room) Not the Iraqis!
Ribbentroop: Yes, the Iraqis.
Hitler: Damn this is bad. I never considered the Iraqis coming after us.
Georing: My god! We’re doomed! Doooooooommmmmmmmed!!!!
Rader: Maybe this is a good time to go fishing… in the Artic Ocean.
Von Kludge: Well, I’m moving to France, later!
Von Manstein: Hey, when did you turn into a Luxemburger?
Rommel: What’s so bad about the Iraqis? (looks around confused)
Guderian: Don’t you know anything? The Iraqis have…
Everyone (except Rommel): WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
Rommel: Oh… that’s bad.
Hitler: Ok everyone, let’s not panic here… There has to be some way out of this.
Georing: We could surrender.
Hitler: No, surrender is an option only for the weak and the Polish! We have to fight! Get them before they get us!
Guderian: The Fuhrer is right! We have to defend ourselves. And everyone knows that the best defense is to run your foe over with Panzers!
Von Kludge: But how do we get there?
Rommel: Through Greece, then Turkey. That’s the shortest route!
Von Manstein: I recommend we annex Greece for their own protection!
Hitler: Good thinking Mastein! As for Turkey I wan Ribbi to gain military access instead though. I don’t want another border with Russia. One is more than enough.
Ribbentrop: It will be done mein Furhrer!
Everyone: For the glory of the Nine hundred and Ninety Nine year Reich!!!
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Love this AAR, but one small, insignificant question, isn't it spelled Reich? Funny as hell otherwise!
This is great! I'm glad you found a use for Rommel's Trickster trait back there in Gibralter.
Somewhere in the Iraqi desert, March 1941
A hot wind blows across the dune swept landscape. No matter where one looks, the scenery is the same, sand dunes and more sand dunes. A gust of sweltering air cuts through the desert landscape powdering a lone figure trudging his way through the harsh wasteland.
Guderian, decked out in desert gear, shields his face from the affects of the abrasive wind. As the worst of it passed, he reaches down to his canteen and finishes off the last few drops inside, and with a heavy sigh begins his walk again.
Guderian: Water… water…
Further back, von Manstein struggles to pull his feet out of the sinking sands. He stumbled a few times before finally getting his footing again. With a sigh he pulls out his canteen and takes a deep draught of the liquid, then suddenly spits it out.
von Manstein: Blarg! Water! Why me? (he dumps out his canteen and continues his faltering steps) Beer… Beer…
Trailing behind the other two, von Kludge reaches into his knapsack and pulls out a cold frosty bottle of beer. He brings it to his face and feeling the cool glass touch his windswept cheeks. He looks at the bottle and breaks down crying.
Von Kludge: Bottle opener… Bottle opener… for the love of god a bottle opener!
Far in the distance, a dust cloud appears. It approaches quickly passing, Kludge, Mastein and Guderian. The three field marshals turn in shock to see, Rommel, driving by on his panzer, dressed in sunglasses and a pair of shorts, sunning himself and taking sips from a cool Margarita. Rommel quickly passes them, disappearing off into the horison.
Von Kludge: (looks on with his mouth agape) How the hell does he do that?
von Manstein: (with awe) Logistics Wizard…
Guderian: (throws his canteen to the ground) SON OF A B----!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hot wind blows across the dune swept landscape. No matter where one looks, the scenery is the same, sand dunes and more sand dunes. A gust of sweltering air cuts through the desert landscape powdering a lone figure trudging his way through the harsh wasteland.
Guderian, decked out in desert gear, shields his face from the affects of the abrasive wind. As the worst of it passed, he reaches down to his canteen and finishes off the last few drops inside, and with a heavy sigh begins his walk again.
Guderian: Water… water…
Further back, von Manstein struggles to pull his feet out of the sinking sands. He stumbled a few times before finally getting his footing again. With a sigh he pulls out his canteen and takes a deep draught of the liquid, then suddenly spits it out.
von Manstein: Blarg! Water! Why me? (he dumps out his canteen and continues his faltering steps) Beer… Beer…
Trailing behind the other two, von Kludge reaches into his knapsack and pulls out a cold frosty bottle of beer. He brings it to his face and feeling the cool glass touch his windswept cheeks. He looks at the bottle and breaks down crying.
Von Kludge: Bottle opener… Bottle opener… for the love of god a bottle opener!
Far in the distance, a dust cloud appears. It approaches quickly passing, Kludge, Mastein and Guderian. The three field marshals turn in shock to see, Rommel, driving by on his panzer, dressed in sunglasses and a pair of shorts, sunning himself and taking sips from a cool Margarita. Rommel quickly passes them, disappearing off into the horison.
Von Kludge: (looks on with his mouth agape) How the hell does he do that?
von Manstein: (with awe) Logistics Wizard…
Guderian: (throws his canteen to the ground) SON OF A B----!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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"Far in the distance, a dust cloud appears. It approaches quickly passing, Kludge, Mastein and Guderian. The three field marshals turn to shock to see, Rommel, driving by on his panzer, dressed in sunglasses and trunks sunning himself and taking sips from a frosty Margarita. Rommel quickly passes them, disappearing off into the horison.
Von Kludge: (looks on with his mouth agape) How the hell does he do that?
von Manstein: (with awe) Logistics Wizard…
Guderian: (throws his canteen to the ground) SON OF A B---!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is pure comedy gold! Please please keep going!
Von Kludge: (looks on with his mouth agape) How the hell does he do that?
von Manstein: (with awe) Logistics Wizard…
Guderian: (throws his canteen to the ground) SON OF A B---!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is pure comedy gold! Please please keep going!