Rustican said:Stalin: BEHOLD!!! I AM STALIN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!!!
Rommel\ Guderian\ Von Kluge: Shit…
That says it all right there. Is this the end of our Trio
or is there a curtain involved? Jono
-
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That says it all right there. Is this the end of our Trio
or is there a curtain involved? Jono
Moscov February 1943
Guderian, Rommel, and Kluge stand fearfully as the monstrous floating head of Stalin looks down upon them from on high. Pillars of flame sporadically belch out on either side of him.
Guderian: (whispering to Rommel) Please tell me you have a plan for this.
Rommel: (shakes his head) Sorry, running into a 20 foot floating head is a bit out of my gamebook.
Von Kluge: (nudges Rommel) Ask him to surrender and see what happens. (Rommel looks at Kluge as if he’s gone mad)
Stalin: SILENCE!!! WHO DARES SPEAKS IN THE PRESENCE OF STALIN THE ALL POWERFUL.
Von Kluge: (swallows) Um… ah… me, Field Marshal von Kluge.
Stalin’e eyes center on him.
Stalin: ARE YOU A COMMUNIST?
Von Kluge: Ah… no?
The great floating head eyes turn to an angry red as the pillars of flame erupt skyward blackening the ceiling.
Stalin: THEN DIE!!!
The mouth opens spewing out a tongue of flame.
Guderian: Duck and cover!!!
The three field marshals dive to the ground scrambling along the polished floor finding refuge behind the rows of columns within the room.
Rommel grabs von Kluge by the collar, panting
Rommel: When the premier of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics asks you if you’re a communist, you say YES!!!
Von Kluge: I thought it was a trick question.
Rommel: … (proceeds to strangle von Kluge )
Just as Guderian is about to join in, a movement from behind the row of curtains lining the room catches his eye. Crawling to the hanging curtains, the grabs tow handfuls of the fabric and pulls down hard tearing the cloth from the ring holders above. The fallen fabric reveals the middle aged mustached dictator, Stalin standing in front a electronic console controlling the pyrotechnic display.
Stalin: (blinks in surprise speaking into the microphone) EH… IGNORE THAT GUY BEHIND THE CURTAIN. AH… HE’S JUST UM… THE JANITOR. SO COMMANDS STALIN THE… UH GREAT AND UM… POWERFUL. (he turns to see Guderian leveling a rifle directly at him.)
Guderian: Hello.
Stalin: Please don’t hurt me…
Rommel and von Kluge look up to see the giant head disappeared and flames dying down.
Rommel: Hey look at that! Nice job Guderian.
Guderian: (keeping his gun pointed at Stalin) Thanks.
Von Kluge: So this is Stalin the “great and powerful” eh? Not so tough with out your million-man army are ya!
Stalin: Look, come work for me and what ever that Hitler is paying you, I’ll double it! No, triple it!
Von Kluge: Triple you say? (rubs his chin thoughtfully)
Guderian: (smacks Kluge upside the head) No. We serve not only the Fuhrer, but also the German people. That is a trust we will never betray.
Rommel: That was very touching, Heinz. I didn’t think you had it in you.
Stalin: Pity… I was hoping you would join me. I guess now I’ll have to kill you all. (his cowering appearance dissolves as an evil gleam flares in his eyes)
Rommel: (eyes widen in surprise) The Force…
Rommel tries to warn the others but it is two late. The very air surrounding Stalin darkens as a malevolent aura of evil surrounds him. With a cackling laugh he flares out his fingers towards the three field marshals and dark lightning erupts from the tips engulfing Rommel, Guderian and Kluge in their crackling tendrils. The three falter to the ground helplessly completely at the mercy of Stalin.
Rommel: (through his teeth) He’s strong in the Force, Heinz!!!
Guderian: No shit, Erwin!!!
Von Kluge: Owwww my sperm!!!
Stalin: Do you have any last words before you meet your maker? No? Then Di—
New voice: Hold it right there, Joey.
Stalin: (looks up enraged) There is only one man I know who has the gall to call me Joey…
Stalin turns toward the approaching footsteps. Weakly, Guderian, Rommel and Kluge also look up and surprise appears on their tired faces. A short little mustached figure appears from the shadows with a smirk on his face.
Hitler: You can take it easy boys. This one’s mine.
Stalin: HA! Do you actually think you have what it takes to beat me, Adolf? (dark lightning shoots out from his hands and bolts of pure evil strike the short Fuhrer)
Hitler: Stop it. That tickles. (the dark bolts bounce around him harmlessly eventually becoming absorbed into him)
Rommel: It’s like trying to put a fire out with gasoline…
Hitler: You reign of evil ends now Stalin!
Von Kluge: You tell him mein fuehrer!
Hitler: Once I defeat you, A new reign of terror that is even more evil will take it’s place. Once I’m through with the world, they’ll be begging to have you back!!!
Rommel: Who exactly are we suppose to be rooting for here?
Guderian: I’m kinda of tempted of flipping a coin or something.
Von Kluge: (looks confused) Um… woohoo?
Stalin: No one is more evil than me!!! No one!!!
Hitler: Quit deluding yourself Joey. You have always been in my shadow, and always will be.
Stalin: I’ve had all I can stands and I can’t stands no more! We settle this once and for all, Adolf!!! (he reaches into his coat and pulls out a hammer and sickle.)
Hitler: Fine with me! (pulls out a dagger and officer’s sword.)
Stalin: There can be…
Hitler: …only one.
Guderian, Rommel, and Kluge stand fearfully as the monstrous floating head of Stalin looks down upon them from on high. Pillars of flame sporadically belch out on either side of him.
Guderian: (whispering to Rommel) Please tell me you have a plan for this.
Rommel: (shakes his head) Sorry, running into a 20 foot floating head is a bit out of my gamebook.
Von Kluge: (nudges Rommel) Ask him to surrender and see what happens. (Rommel looks at Kluge as if he’s gone mad)
Stalin: SILENCE!!! WHO DARES SPEAKS IN THE PRESENCE OF STALIN THE ALL POWERFUL.
Von Kluge: (swallows) Um… ah… me, Field Marshal von Kluge.
Stalin’e eyes center on him.
Stalin: ARE YOU A COMMUNIST?
Von Kluge: Ah… no?
The great floating head eyes turn to an angry red as the pillars of flame erupt skyward blackening the ceiling.
Stalin: THEN DIE!!!
The mouth opens spewing out a tongue of flame.
Guderian: Duck and cover!!!
The three field marshals dive to the ground scrambling along the polished floor finding refuge behind the rows of columns within the room.
Rommel grabs von Kluge by the collar, panting
Rommel: When the premier of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics asks you if you’re a communist, you say YES!!!
Von Kluge: I thought it was a trick question.
Rommel: … (proceeds to strangle von Kluge )
Just as Guderian is about to join in, a movement from behind the row of curtains lining the room catches his eye. Crawling to the hanging curtains, the grabs tow handfuls of the fabric and pulls down hard tearing the cloth from the ring holders above. The fallen fabric reveals the middle aged mustached dictator, Stalin standing in front a electronic console controlling the pyrotechnic display.
Stalin: (blinks in surprise speaking into the microphone) EH… IGNORE THAT GUY BEHIND THE CURTAIN. AH… HE’S JUST UM… THE JANITOR. SO COMMANDS STALIN THE… UH GREAT AND UM… POWERFUL. (he turns to see Guderian leveling a rifle directly at him.)
Guderian: Hello.
Stalin: Please don’t hurt me…
Rommel and von Kluge look up to see the giant head disappeared and flames dying down.
Rommel: Hey look at that! Nice job Guderian.
Guderian: (keeping his gun pointed at Stalin) Thanks.
Von Kluge: So this is Stalin the “great and powerful” eh? Not so tough with out your million-man army are ya!
Stalin: Look, come work for me and what ever that Hitler is paying you, I’ll double it! No, triple it!
Von Kluge: Triple you say? (rubs his chin thoughtfully)
Guderian: (smacks Kluge upside the head) No. We serve not only the Fuhrer, but also the German people. That is a trust we will never betray.
Rommel: That was very touching, Heinz. I didn’t think you had it in you.
Stalin: Pity… I was hoping you would join me. I guess now I’ll have to kill you all. (his cowering appearance dissolves as an evil gleam flares in his eyes)
Rommel: (eyes widen in surprise) The Force…
Rommel tries to warn the others but it is two late. The very air surrounding Stalin darkens as a malevolent aura of evil surrounds him. With a cackling laugh he flares out his fingers towards the three field marshals and dark lightning erupts from the tips engulfing Rommel, Guderian and Kluge in their crackling tendrils. The three falter to the ground helplessly completely at the mercy of Stalin.
Rommel: (through his teeth) He’s strong in the Force, Heinz!!!
Guderian: No shit, Erwin!!!
Von Kluge: Owwww my sperm!!!
Stalin: Do you have any last words before you meet your maker? No? Then Di—
New voice: Hold it right there, Joey.
Stalin: (looks up enraged) There is only one man I know who has the gall to call me Joey…
Stalin turns toward the approaching footsteps. Weakly, Guderian, Rommel and Kluge also look up and surprise appears on their tired faces. A short little mustached figure appears from the shadows with a smirk on his face.
Hitler: You can take it easy boys. This one’s mine.
Stalin: HA! Do you actually think you have what it takes to beat me, Adolf? (dark lightning shoots out from his hands and bolts of pure evil strike the short Fuhrer)
Hitler: Stop it. That tickles. (the dark bolts bounce around him harmlessly eventually becoming absorbed into him)
Rommel: It’s like trying to put a fire out with gasoline…
Hitler: You reign of evil ends now Stalin!
Von Kluge: You tell him mein fuehrer!
Hitler: Once I defeat you, A new reign of terror that is even more evil will take it’s place. Once I’m through with the world, they’ll be begging to have you back!!!
Rommel: Who exactly are we suppose to be rooting for here?
Guderian: I’m kinda of tempted of flipping a coin or something.
Von Kluge: (looks confused) Um… woohoo?
Stalin: No one is more evil than me!!! No one!!!
Hitler: Quit deluding yourself Joey. You have always been in my shadow, and always will be.
Stalin: I’ve had all I can stands and I can’t stands no more! We settle this once and for all, Adolf!!! (he reaches into his coat and pulls out a hammer and sickle.)
Hitler: Fine with me! (pulls out a dagger and officer’s sword.)
Stalin: There can be…
Hitler: …only one.
Last edited:
Har-har!
Has our hero's sperm been stored in carbonite? Will it be used in the new Clone Wars of the future?
Only Rustican can tell!
Nice going as always.
Has our hero's sperm been stored in carbonite? Will it be used in the new Clone Wars of the future?
Only Rustican can tell!
Nice going as always.
FANTASTIC!!! This reminds of this weird comic I read where Stalin fought Hitler, of course in the comic Stalin won but this may end differently! I wonder who's going to parody Jar Jar?
HAHAHAHA...
This couldn't get funnier... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I'm wondering who is whose son?
This couldn't get funnier... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I'm wondering who is whose son?
References to Ghostbusters and Highlander. I always eagerly await the next update.
This AAR is great, but as a great patriot, I must object:
"Georing: We could surrender.
Hitler: No, surrender is an option only for the weak and the Polish! We have to fight! Get them before they get us! "
Why Polish?? We never surrendered, we kept fighting even though we had to attack tanks with mounted troops with spades and pistols. In ground combat, Germans were losing battles, but against tanks we could do nothing.
Surrendering is French passion,
Do You know how many French troops is needed to defend Paris?? No one knows, cause no one ever tried!!
"Georing: We could surrender.
Hitler: No, surrender is an option only for the weak and the Polish! We have to fight! Get them before they get us! "
Why Polish?? We never surrendered, we kept fighting even though we had to attack tanks with mounted troops with spades and pistols. In ground combat, Germans were losing battles, but against tanks we could do nothing.
Surrendering is French passion,
Do You know how many French troops is needed to defend Paris?? No one knows, cause no one ever tried!!
przemek said:
The French didn't technically get annexed by Germany either. Free French?
EDIT: Don't forget, the Germans defended Paris from Allied attack
Seems, the Germans can defend Paris better than the French :rofl: :rofl:
Hey people, please Please PLEASE don't turn Rustican's Excellent AAR into yet another nationalist/France-bashing/USA-bashing threads. There are enough of those elsewhere if you feel the need to go down those roads
Rafiki
Rafiki
To: Everyone
This AAR is written in clean fun. My intent is not to offend one country or nationality, but to make fun of them all. I ask you all to indulge me in my satirical epic and enjoy if for what it is, hopefully a good laugh.
My thanks to rafiki and everyone else who has been with me thus far. So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show.
From: Rustican
This AAR is written in clean fun. My intent is not to offend one country or nationality, but to make fun of them all. I ask you all to indulge me in my satirical epic and enjoy if for what it is, hopefully a good laugh.
My thanks to rafiki and everyone else who has been with me thus far. So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show.
From: Rustican
This AAR has been the best I have ever read (I have been reading these forums for months, even though I never registed until lately) and it would be very sad to see it descend to an arguement.
Everyone has probably heard the steriotypes about their countrys, and I am not offended at all.
If Steriotypes were anything to go by, I would be a ginger haired, drunk, kilt wearing farmer who is about to take their haggis for a walk, but I can assure you that I am not.
Please, lets not ruin this masterpiece.
Everyone has probably heard the steriotypes about their countrys, and I am not offended at all.
If Steriotypes were anything to go by, I would be a ginger haired, drunk, kilt wearing farmer who is about to take their haggis for a walk, but I can assure you that I am not.
Please, lets not ruin this masterpiece.
I am eagerly awaiting your next update Rustican - thanks for all the laughs.
Jono
P.S. I haven't been upset with anything you've said - I think that you have done a great job of poking fun at just about everyone.................................Although, if you make fun of our overweight friend Goering one more time then I'll just have to - LAUGH :rofl: :rofl:
Jono
P.S. I haven't been upset with anything you've said - I think that you have done a great job of poking fun at just about everyone.................................Although, if you make fun of our overweight friend Goering one more time then I'll just have to - LAUGH :rofl:
:rofl:
Moscov February 1943
Within the inner sanctum of the Russian communist hierarchy, the final battle between evil and… uh… evil plays itself out. Guderian, Rommel and von Kluge watch helplessly from the sidelines as Stalin and Hitler face off for the last time.
Von Kluge: Lets get ready to RRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!
Guderian and Rommel look at him as if he’s gone mad.
Von Kluge: (sheepishly) Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.
Hitler and Stalin run toward each other with weapons bared. Stalin swings his hammer down from on high as Hitler swing is sword up from below. The two weapons meet in a shower of sparks and the duel for the greatest of prizes begins.
Stalin: This world is mine Rhinelander! Not even you can stop the force that is Communism! (he holds his ground defiantly, using his hammer to batter his way through his opponents defenses while the sickle in his other hand holds off the probing thrusts of Hitler’s dagger)
Hitler: Communism is a red herring, Joey! Ha! I give it about forty years before you wuss out to Democracy. In short, you don’t have what it takes to crush the world under your heel! Step aside before you get hurt little man. (he weaves around Stalin, a veritable whirlwind as his sword and dagger dance death’s waltz.)
Stalin: Little man? Have you looked in the mirror lately shorty? For a guy in charge of blue-eyed blond haired ‘master race’, you look more like pond scum off the gene pool.
Their weapons lock in a deadly cross and Stalin and Hitler push against each other trying to throw the other man back. Stalin grins pressing his advantage and slowly begins to push the smaller Hitler down.
Hitler: (gritting his teeth against the pressure) Shut up! I’m due for another growth spurt anytime now!
Stalin: Give it up Rhinelander! I’m stronger than you! You should have stayed in Germany and dug a little bunker to hole yourself up in. You would have lived longer.
Hitler: What me burry? Maybe in some weird alternate reality you could have defeated me, but not this time Joey.
Stalin: I guess I should thank then you for saving me the trouble of having to dig your charred corps out of a ditch. Now you die!!! Rrrrraaaaaahhhhhh!!!
With an amazing burst of strength Stalin pushes Hitler back freeing their weapons apart. Seizing the advantage he swings his hammer down hard toward the stunned Fuhrer’s head. Hitler raises his sword up and blocks but as the hammer meets the blue steel the sword shatters with the impact and Hitler is thrown back sliding along the polished black marble floor. He fumbles on the ground dazed and stunned.
Stalin: (grins advancing menacingly) It seems that your thousand year Reich ends today, Rinelander!!! (he charges forward weapons bared)
Hitler: No way! I still have to pay off the mortgage on the Reichstag.
Hitler digs into his shirt pocket and pulls out circular disk. It’s silver sheen glints brightly as it catches the light. As Stalin come at him headlong, Hitler throws the disk forward with all his might. It flies through the air straight and true toward the Russian dictator
Stalin: Do you think that toy can hurt me? (he holds up the hammer and sickle in front of him to block the flying disk.
Hitler: It’s no toy, Stalin. It’s Germany’s ultimate weapon and your doom.
The disk meets the hammer and at last the fight is over. Stalin’s charge falters and he stands there with a stunned look on his face. He tries to talk but he cant. His eyes widen as the hammer and sickle in his hand break apart neatly cut in half. His head from the neck up follows suit moments after.
Hitler: You lose Joey. (he holds up his hand as the disk circles back to him and he catches it. He check to make sure that the disk hasn’t gotten any scratches on it. Then calmly puts it back in its box.)
von Kluge: Woah…
Rommel: Those Swedish programmers sure know how to write code.
Guderian: And that was the unpatched version too. Now that’s got to hurt.
Von Kluge: That was totally awesome mein Fuhrer! Uh… mein Fuhrer?
Everyone turns to Hitler’s direction and gasp in shock. The room darkens bolts of blue lightning begin dancing in the air. Stalin’s fallen body dissolves becoming an aura of pure evil that surrounds Hitler who stands in the center of it all basking in his glory and absorbing Stalin’s power into himself.
Hitler: Yes! There can be only one!!! I have the POWER!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Von Kluge: (worriedly looking to Rommel and Guderian) This is a good thing? Right guys? Guys???
Within the inner sanctum of the Russian communist hierarchy, the final battle between evil and… uh… evil plays itself out. Guderian, Rommel and von Kluge watch helplessly from the sidelines as Stalin and Hitler face off for the last time.
Von Kluge: Lets get ready to RRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!
Guderian and Rommel look at him as if he’s gone mad.
Von Kluge: (sheepishly) Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.
Hitler and Stalin run toward each other with weapons bared. Stalin swings his hammer down from on high as Hitler swing is sword up from below. The two weapons meet in a shower of sparks and the duel for the greatest of prizes begins.
Stalin: This world is mine Rhinelander! Not even you can stop the force that is Communism! (he holds his ground defiantly, using his hammer to batter his way through his opponents defenses while the sickle in his other hand holds off the probing thrusts of Hitler’s dagger)
Hitler: Communism is a red herring, Joey! Ha! I give it about forty years before you wuss out to Democracy. In short, you don’t have what it takes to crush the world under your heel! Step aside before you get hurt little man. (he weaves around Stalin, a veritable whirlwind as his sword and dagger dance death’s waltz.)
Stalin: Little man? Have you looked in the mirror lately shorty? For a guy in charge of blue-eyed blond haired ‘master race’, you look more like pond scum off the gene pool.
Their weapons lock in a deadly cross and Stalin and Hitler push against each other trying to throw the other man back. Stalin grins pressing his advantage and slowly begins to push the smaller Hitler down.
Hitler: (gritting his teeth against the pressure) Shut up! I’m due for another growth spurt anytime now!
Stalin: Give it up Rhinelander! I’m stronger than you! You should have stayed in Germany and dug a little bunker to hole yourself up in. You would have lived longer.
Hitler: What me burry? Maybe in some weird alternate reality you could have defeated me, but not this time Joey.
Stalin: I guess I should thank then you for saving me the trouble of having to dig your charred corps out of a ditch. Now you die!!! Rrrrraaaaaahhhhhh!!!
With an amazing burst of strength Stalin pushes Hitler back freeing their weapons apart. Seizing the advantage he swings his hammer down hard toward the stunned Fuhrer’s head. Hitler raises his sword up and blocks but as the hammer meets the blue steel the sword shatters with the impact and Hitler is thrown back sliding along the polished black marble floor. He fumbles on the ground dazed and stunned.
Stalin: (grins advancing menacingly) It seems that your thousand year Reich ends today, Rinelander!!! (he charges forward weapons bared)
Hitler: No way! I still have to pay off the mortgage on the Reichstag.
Hitler digs into his shirt pocket and pulls out circular disk. It’s silver sheen glints brightly as it catches the light. As Stalin come at him headlong, Hitler throws the disk forward with all his might. It flies through the air straight and true toward the Russian dictator
Stalin: Do you think that toy can hurt me? (he holds up the hammer and sickle in front of him to block the flying disk.
Hitler: It’s no toy, Stalin. It’s Germany’s ultimate weapon and your doom.
The disk meets the hammer and at last the fight is over. Stalin’s charge falters and he stands there with a stunned look on his face. He tries to talk but he cant. His eyes widen as the hammer and sickle in his hand break apart neatly cut in half. His head from the neck up follows suit moments after.
Hitler: You lose Joey. (he holds up his hand as the disk circles back to him and he catches it. He check to make sure that the disk hasn’t gotten any scratches on it. Then calmly puts it back in its box.)
von Kluge: Woah…
Rommel: Those Swedish programmers sure know how to write code.
Guderian: And that was the unpatched version too. Now that’s got to hurt.
Von Kluge: That was totally awesome mein Fuhrer! Uh… mein Fuhrer?
Everyone turns to Hitler’s direction and gasp in shock. The room darkens bolts of blue lightning begin dancing in the air. Stalin’s fallen body dissolves becoming an aura of pure evil that surrounds Hitler who stands in the center of it all basking in his glory and absorbing Stalin’s power into himself.
Hitler: Yes! There can be only one!!! I have the POWER!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Von Kluge: (worriedly looking to Rommel and Guderian) This is a good thing? Right guys? Guys???