Wonderful update! Currently invading the SU with Germany in a CORE game, and there isn't much use of the Luftwaffe with all the rebasing, is it? 
Good luck, and keep going!
Good luck, and keep going!
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Rustican, I can't believe Germans would ever act like that, evil or not. You have done the most evil thing to the Nazis. You have americanised them.
Somewhere in Germany December 1942
An unmarked black Volkswagen putters down a dirt-paved road of the German countryside. In the back seat sits a sweating Georing flanked by Gestapo agents on each side. Another faceless agent sits upfront driving the car.
Georing: W-Where are you taking me? (nervously looks at one of the agents)
No one answers him and they continue onward. Finally after what seems like hours the car stops in a heavily wooded area. The doors open and the agents hustle the Air Marshal out.
Georing: (shivering in terror) Why did you take me here?
Gestapo Agent: Walk. (points into a random direction toward the woods)
Georing: But…
Gestapo Agent: Walk.
Swallowing heavily, Georing does as he is told. He walks up front with the dark agents trailing behind him. Sunlight filter’s down from the overhanging branches painting the ground in a mosaic of shadow and light. Only the crunching of dead leaves is heard as they walk.
Finally, they come to a clearing in the woods. Georing’s eyes widen as he sees a stately manor with exterior buildings sprawling for acres sitting next to a crystal blue lake. The surrounding grounds are fenced in with flowerbeds and hedgerows giving it a warm cherry atmosphere. People are seen everywhere busily doing various activities like jogging and riding bicycles. Some are rowing boats in the lake while others stroll round the water’s edge enjoying the view.
Georing: My god… a fat camp! No!!!
A feeling of panic fills the Air Marshal seeing the rotund residence of the fat camp cheerily doing exercises. The fear of physical activity fills Georing to the core and he tries to flee breaking away from the Gestapo agents as fast as his stocky legs could take him.
He managed two feet before they dragged him back.
Holding up the out of breath and exhausted Georing, the agents await the fat camp’s commandant.
A happy go lucky camp commandant comes out to greet them. He’s wearing a pair of red shorts and shirt with white jogging sneakers. He smiles and greets them warmly.
Camp Commandant: Welcome Herr Georing. We have been expecting you.
Georing: There’s been some mistake! I don’t belong in a place like this!
Camp Commandant: I’ve received my orders directly from the Fhurer, Herr Georing. There is no mistake. Welcome to Shady Pines Fat Camp. We will do our best to help you shave off those extra pounds. (smiles)
Georing: But I’m not fat! I’m big boned!
Camp Commandant: Your not fooling anyone Herr Georing. But don’t worry sir. We here at Shady Pines have the best fitness coaches in the nation. (Smiles cheerfully) A personal Slim-fast Specialists will be assigned to oversee your progress. This SS overseer will insure that you eat the healthiest foods and receive the proper amount of exercise to trim those pounds away.
Georing: Exercise? But my rank excuses me from any sort of physical or mental activity.
Camp Commandant: Nonsense. Exercise isn’t something to dread. Here at Shady Pines we have all forms of activities. We’ve got the best gym facilities for weight training and strength building, out door tennis courts and spas. Trails for running, biking and even horse back riding. Also included are classes in yoga, tai-bo as well as aerobics and spinning classes. We have sparred no expense making your stay here as comfortable as possible.
Georing: I guess that doesn’t sound to bad… (he begins to think things over and his stomach growls) Hey, where can i get some food around here?
Camp Commandant: We server three healthy nutrition packed meals each day.
Georing: (Gasps in shock) Only three??? My god! That’s inhuman!!!
Camp Commandant: (turns to the Gestapo agents) Could you please show Herr Georing to his suit please. (The agents turn to take Georing away as he struggles against them)
Georing: You can’t do this to me you monsters! I’m a human being! I’m a human beeeeiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!
An unmarked black Volkswagen putters down a dirt-paved road of the German countryside. In the back seat sits a sweating Georing flanked by Gestapo agents on each side. Another faceless agent sits upfront driving the car.
Georing: W-Where are you taking me? (nervously looks at one of the agents)
No one answers him and they continue onward. Finally after what seems like hours the car stops in a heavily wooded area. The doors open and the agents hustle the Air Marshal out.
Georing: (shivering in terror) Why did you take me here?
Gestapo Agent: Walk. (points into a random direction toward the woods)
Georing: But…
Gestapo Agent: Walk.
Swallowing heavily, Georing does as he is told. He walks up front with the dark agents trailing behind him. Sunlight filter’s down from the overhanging branches painting the ground in a mosaic of shadow and light. Only the crunching of dead leaves is heard as they walk.
Finally, they come to a clearing in the woods. Georing’s eyes widen as he sees a stately manor with exterior buildings sprawling for acres sitting next to a crystal blue lake. The surrounding grounds are fenced in with flowerbeds and hedgerows giving it a warm cherry atmosphere. People are seen everywhere busily doing various activities like jogging and riding bicycles. Some are rowing boats in the lake while others stroll round the water’s edge enjoying the view.
Georing: My god… a fat camp! No!!!
A feeling of panic fills the Air Marshal seeing the rotund residence of the fat camp cheerily doing exercises. The fear of physical activity fills Georing to the core and he tries to flee breaking away from the Gestapo agents as fast as his stocky legs could take him.
He managed two feet before they dragged him back.
Holding up the out of breath and exhausted Georing, the agents await the fat camp’s commandant.
A happy go lucky camp commandant comes out to greet them. He’s wearing a pair of red shorts and shirt with white jogging sneakers. He smiles and greets them warmly.
Camp Commandant: Welcome Herr Georing. We have been expecting you.
Georing: There’s been some mistake! I don’t belong in a place like this!
Camp Commandant: I’ve received my orders directly from the Fhurer, Herr Georing. There is no mistake. Welcome to Shady Pines Fat Camp. We will do our best to help you shave off those extra pounds. (smiles)
Georing: But I’m not fat! I’m big boned!
Camp Commandant: Your not fooling anyone Herr Georing. But don’t worry sir. We here at Shady Pines have the best fitness coaches in the nation. (Smiles cheerfully) A personal Slim-fast Specialists will be assigned to oversee your progress. This SS overseer will insure that you eat the healthiest foods and receive the proper amount of exercise to trim those pounds away.
Georing: Exercise? But my rank excuses me from any sort of physical or mental activity.
Camp Commandant: Nonsense. Exercise isn’t something to dread. Here at Shady Pines we have all forms of activities. We’ve got the best gym facilities for weight training and strength building, out door tennis courts and spas. Trails for running, biking and even horse back riding. Also included are classes in yoga, tai-bo as well as aerobics and spinning classes. We have sparred no expense making your stay here as comfortable as possible.
Georing: I guess that doesn’t sound to bad… (he begins to think things over and his stomach growls) Hey, where can i get some food around here?
Camp Commandant: We server three healthy nutrition packed meals each day.
Georing: (Gasps in shock) Only three??? My god! That’s inhuman!!!
Camp Commandant: (turns to the Gestapo agents) Could you please show Herr Georing to his suit please. (The agents turn to take Georing away as he struggles against them)
Georing: You can’t do this to me you monsters! I’m a human being! I’m a human beeeeiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!
Awesome!!!
I almost feel off my chair laughing on that one!!! :rofl: :rofl:
Had to not laugh loud so as not to wake up neighbors!!! :wacko:
The multiple references are great: maffia execution, Slim-fast Specialists (SS - hmmm Himmler as Jack Simmons hehehe), etc.
--- LewsTherin
ps. this has to be one of the funniest AARs to date!
Rustican said:
I almost feel off my chair laughing on that one!!! :rofl: :rofl:
Had to not laugh loud so as not to wake up neighbors!!! :wacko:
The multiple references are great: maffia execution, Slim-fast Specialists (SS - hmmm Himmler as Jack Simmons hehehe), etc.
--- LewsTherin
ps. this has to be one of the funniest AARs to date!
This AAR is getting better and better! Will Goerring attempt a spectacular Bridge over the River Kwai-esque escape? Will Pookums demand development of a new war simulator? Will I stop asking questions!?!?
Will Goerring attempt a spectacular Bridge over the River Kwai-esque escape? Will Pookums demand development of a new war simulator? Will I stop asking questions!?!?
Actully, it was 1-2-3-4-5MegaPIMP said:the planet shield code was 1,2,3,4 mind you
Great AAR
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: is what I was doing at work.
:wacko: is what my co-worker thought of me.
is what I am at not seeing an update.
now I most humbly beg you for an update to this terrific AAR.
Thank you for all the hard work and keeping me entertained at work!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: is what I was doing at work.
:wacko: is what my co-worker thought of me.
is what I am at not seeing an update. now I most humbly beg you for an update to this terrific AAR.Thank you for all the hard work and keeping me entertained at work!
I fell that Mr. Goering needs a flower.
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EDIT: Noooo....my flower got all messed up
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EDIT: Noooo....my flower got all messed up
You can't eat a flower, why would Goering want it? :rofl:
Time for another update! We need our fix!
Time for another update! We need our fix!
Morpheus506 said:Time for another update! We need our fix!
We are not getting any updates to make us understand the pain Goering is experiencing when he ain't getting anything much to eat
This is an outrage, how can any man survive on only 2500 calories a day! Poor Goering.
Yes, you can't eat a flower but drawing a T-steak in ASCII is pretty damn hard. And flowers always lighten things up.
Moscov February 1943
A light snow falls softly blanketing the Capital of Russia in a coat of pristine white. Rommel sit on top of his tank overlooking the fortified city and it’s seven layers of defense admiring the view and sipping from a steaming cup of coffee in his hands.
Behind him he hears the sound of foot-steps crunching in the snow. He turns to see a familiar face.
Rommel: (grins) What took you so long to get here?
Von Kluge: Sorry. I stopped by Leningrad to pick up some souvenirs. For the kids, you know. (he blows into his hands to keep warm) Brrrrr it’s cold.
Rommel: Here, have a cup of coffee. (pours a new tin cup)
Guderian: One for me two.
Rommel and Von Kluge look up to see Guderian coming to join them. He carries a well-worn Sturmgewehr in each hand. He stets them down against Rommel’s tank and takes the cup offered and sips it contently.
Guderian: Well we’re finally here. (looks to Moscov)
Rommel: Seems like only yesterday I was rolling into the Polish countryside. My how time flies when you’re having fun or press Ctrl + on your keyboard.
Von Kluge: We’ve blitzed our way through Europe to get here, the heart of the “Evil Empire”. After this there won’t be anyone left worth fighting. The Polish have been pulverized. The British have been beaten. The Swedes have been subjugated. And the French have been fu—
Rommel: But Kluge, what about the Americans?
Guderian and Von Kluge pause looking at him then break out laughing.
Guderian: The Americans? Bwahahaha!!! Good one Rommel.
Von Kluge: (with tears in his eyes) The Polish have put up more of a fight in two weeks compared to what the American’s have done in the last two years.
Rommel: Heh, I guess I was being silly. So this is it then, the final battle…
Guderian: (eyes the city carefully) Seven rings of defense… That place has more security than an American airport during X-mass time.
Von Kluge: The latest count puts 47 divisions holed up in there.
Guderian: Hm… that’s 150,000 Russians for you, 150,000 Russians for me, and we’ll give Rommel the rest.
Von Kluge: Sounds good to me.
Rommel: Hey!
Guderian: Last one into the Kremlin buys the others a beer.
Von Kluge: (dons a pair of dark sunglasses and takes up a kung-fu stance) Most excellent!
Guderian: (locks and loads his rifles) I’ll be waiting for you guys inside.
He turns and walks off as Kluge takes his own path leaving Rommel alone again.
Rommel: (sighs and shakes his head as artillery begins to fire in the distance.) You guys could have waited till I finished my coffee you know!
And so the battle for Moscov begins. The surrounded city is besieged on three fronts by Germany’s veteran but war weary armies once again rise up to face their mortal communist enemy.
It is Guderian who plunges ahead first. From atop Bertha his improved heavy panzer, he rolls into the waiting Russian maw throwing caution to the wind. Wave upon wave of Russian divisions rise up to engage only to be thrown back down and broken against Guderian’s tank treads and the frozen landscape.
As Guderian fights in the west, from the east von Kluge and his infantry open up a new front to the dismay of the already reeling Russian army. With the bitter cold causing rifles to freeze and become unable to fire, hand to hand fighting takes place in the trenches with von Kluge at the center of it all.
And finally Rommel after finishing his cup of coffee gathers his men together and orders them all to make snowballs. His men obediently do as they are told and they march into battle carrying arms full of snowballs. The attack begins and Russian troops sit surprised as the Germans begin pelting them with the white spheres.
Seeing one such ball coming toward him, a Russian captain catches it and taunts the oncoming Germans laughing.
Russian Captain: (yelling) Do you think that a snowball will hurt me?
Rommel: (yells back) No, but I’m betting the grenade inside will.
Chaos breaks out in the Russian line as snowballs begin exploding in fire and shrapnel. The Germans take the advantaged shooting and hucking snowballs left and right. By the end of the battle the Russians are terrified of the very sight of a snowball as the German’s continue to throw them though having long run out of the grenade filled kind.
The battle for Moscov ended that evening and as Kluge and Guderian approached the steps of the Kremlin, they are greeted with the sight of Rommel sitting on the steps sipping from his steaming cup. He smiles and offers the pot up to them.
Rommel: Coffee?
A light snow falls softly blanketing the Capital of Russia in a coat of pristine white. Rommel sit on top of his tank overlooking the fortified city and it’s seven layers of defense admiring the view and sipping from a steaming cup of coffee in his hands.
Behind him he hears the sound of foot-steps crunching in the snow. He turns to see a familiar face.
Rommel: (grins) What took you so long to get here?
Von Kluge: Sorry. I stopped by Leningrad to pick up some souvenirs. For the kids, you know. (he blows into his hands to keep warm) Brrrrr it’s cold.
Rommel: Here, have a cup of coffee. (pours a new tin cup)
Guderian: One for me two.
Rommel and Von Kluge look up to see Guderian coming to join them. He carries a well-worn Sturmgewehr in each hand. He stets them down against Rommel’s tank and takes the cup offered and sips it contently.
Guderian: Well we’re finally here. (looks to Moscov)
Rommel: Seems like only yesterday I was rolling into the Polish countryside. My how time flies when you’re having fun or press Ctrl + on your keyboard.
Von Kluge: We’ve blitzed our way through Europe to get here, the heart of the “Evil Empire”. After this there won’t be anyone left worth fighting. The Polish have been pulverized. The British have been beaten. The Swedes have been subjugated. And the French have been fu—
Rommel: But Kluge, what about the Americans?
Guderian and Von Kluge pause looking at him then break out laughing.
Guderian: The Americans? Bwahahaha!!! Good one Rommel.
Von Kluge: (with tears in his eyes) The Polish have put up more of a fight in two weeks compared to what the American’s have done in the last two years.
Rommel: Heh, I guess I was being silly. So this is it then, the final battle…
Guderian: (eyes the city carefully) Seven rings of defense… That place has more security than an American airport during X-mass time.
Von Kluge: The latest count puts 47 divisions holed up in there.
Guderian: Hm… that’s 150,000 Russians for you, 150,000 Russians for me, and we’ll give Rommel the rest.
Von Kluge: Sounds good to me.
Rommel: Hey!
Guderian: Last one into the Kremlin buys the others a beer.
Von Kluge: (dons a pair of dark sunglasses and takes up a kung-fu stance) Most excellent!
Guderian: (locks and loads his rifles) I’ll be waiting for you guys inside.
He turns and walks off as Kluge takes his own path leaving Rommel alone again.
Rommel: (sighs and shakes his head as artillery begins to fire in the distance.) You guys could have waited till I finished my coffee you know!
And so the battle for Moscov begins. The surrounded city is besieged on three fronts by Germany’s veteran but war weary armies once again rise up to face their mortal communist enemy.
It is Guderian who plunges ahead first. From atop Bertha his improved heavy panzer, he rolls into the waiting Russian maw throwing caution to the wind. Wave upon wave of Russian divisions rise up to engage only to be thrown back down and broken against Guderian’s tank treads and the frozen landscape.
As Guderian fights in the west, from the east von Kluge and his infantry open up a new front to the dismay of the already reeling Russian army. With the bitter cold causing rifles to freeze and become unable to fire, hand to hand fighting takes place in the trenches with von Kluge at the center of it all.
And finally Rommel after finishing his cup of coffee gathers his men together and orders them all to make snowballs. His men obediently do as they are told and they march into battle carrying arms full of snowballs. The attack begins and Russian troops sit surprised as the Germans begin pelting them with the white spheres.
Seeing one such ball coming toward him, a Russian captain catches it and taunts the oncoming Germans laughing.
Russian Captain: (yelling) Do you think that a snowball will hurt me?
Rommel: (yells back) No, but I’m betting the grenade inside will.
Chaos breaks out in the Russian line as snowballs begin exploding in fire and shrapnel. The Germans take the advantaged shooting and hucking snowballs left and right. By the end of the battle the Russians are terrified of the very sight of a snowball as the German’s continue to throw them though having long run out of the grenade filled kind.
The battle for Moscov ended that evening and as Kluge and Guderian approached the steps of the Kremlin, they are greeted with the sight of Rommel sitting on the steps sipping from his steaming cup. He smiles and offers the pot up to them.
Rommel: Coffee?
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The battle for Moscow looks like like it was an easy walk for the gremans.
Great AAR!
Great AAR!
Snowballs! Now that's a new one! I'd tell you good luck but the wat things are going you probably don't need it!
I'd tell you good luck but the wat things are going you probably don't need it!
Moscov February 1943
Footsteps echo down the deserted hall of the Kremlin. Papers and files are strewn everywhere evidence of the caretakers hasty retreat. The once bustling halls of the Russian high command are now empty except for the three field marshals walking down the halls taking view of the deserted interior.
Von Kluge: So this is it eh? (looking through the rooms that once housed a staff of hundreds) Doesn’t look like much.
Guderian: It was a good fight getting here though. Give them their due credit to that.
Rommel: Well, the city is almost secure. Just some sporadic firefights happening in the outskirts. But for the most part Moscov is ours.
Von Kluge: Easier than I thought it would be. I guess we’re just that good.
As they continue walking through the Kremlin they come to a grand hallway. A yellow polished stone path gleaming like gold lined the way. Towering above stood a vaulted ceiling impossibly high. Huge ironbound doors lay at the end and lining the path are statues of Russian figures carved into lifeless stone.
Guderian: There it is. The heart of the Russian hierarchy.
Von Kluge: Stalin’s private chambers.
Rommel: (looks down the corridor uneasily) Guys… something doesn’t feel right.
The three field marshals eye each other and immediately von Kluge settles into a fighting stance as Guderian un-slings the two assault rifels off his back and hands on to Rommel.
Guderian: Keep sharp.
They make their way down the grand gallery cautiously as the dead eyes of the stone statues seem to watch their every move. When they come to the door von Kluge kicks it in and Rommel and Guderian storm in taking up flanking positions with their weapons at the ready.
They are met only with an empty room. Dark velvet curtains line the room’s interior as the dim light within cast their ominous shadows. A raised dais takes up the room’s center and on each side is a lit cauldron of fire quietly crackling.
Guderian: (looking around) What is this place?
Rommel: I’m not sure.
Von Kluge: Looks empty though. I think we’re all right.
It’s then that an unearthly thunder booms out, shaking the very foundations of the structure. The two cauldrons of fire explode in vertical pillars of flame. A monstrous apparition coalesces from atop the throne like rise. The imagine of which shakes the field marshals to their very core.
Von Kluge: My god it’s him! It’s—
The gigantic floating head of the apparition speaks out in a booming voice with each word punctuated with a burst of flame from the cauldrons.
Stalin: BEHOLD!!! I AM STALIN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!!!
Rommel\ Guderian\ Von Kluge: Shit…
Footsteps echo down the deserted hall of the Kremlin. Papers and files are strewn everywhere evidence of the caretakers hasty retreat. The once bustling halls of the Russian high command are now empty except for the three field marshals walking down the halls taking view of the deserted interior.
Von Kluge: So this is it eh? (looking through the rooms that once housed a staff of hundreds) Doesn’t look like much.
Guderian: It was a good fight getting here though. Give them their due credit to that.
Rommel: Well, the city is almost secure. Just some sporadic firefights happening in the outskirts. But for the most part Moscov is ours.
Von Kluge: Easier than I thought it would be. I guess we’re just that good.
As they continue walking through the Kremlin they come to a grand hallway. A yellow polished stone path gleaming like gold lined the way. Towering above stood a vaulted ceiling impossibly high. Huge ironbound doors lay at the end and lining the path are statues of Russian figures carved into lifeless stone.
Guderian: There it is. The heart of the Russian hierarchy.
Von Kluge: Stalin’s private chambers.
Rommel: (looks down the corridor uneasily) Guys… something doesn’t feel right.
The three field marshals eye each other and immediately von Kluge settles into a fighting stance as Guderian un-slings the two assault rifels off his back and hands on to Rommel.
Guderian: Keep sharp.
They make their way down the grand gallery cautiously as the dead eyes of the stone statues seem to watch their every move. When they come to the door von Kluge kicks it in and Rommel and Guderian storm in taking up flanking positions with their weapons at the ready.
They are met only with an empty room. Dark velvet curtains line the room’s interior as the dim light within cast their ominous shadows. A raised dais takes up the room’s center and on each side is a lit cauldron of fire quietly crackling.
Guderian: (looking around) What is this place?
Rommel: I’m not sure.
Von Kluge: Looks empty though. I think we’re all right.
It’s then that an unearthly thunder booms out, shaking the very foundations of the structure. The two cauldrons of fire explode in vertical pillars of flame. A monstrous apparition coalesces from atop the throne like rise. The imagine of which shakes the field marshals to their very core.
Von Kluge: My god it’s him! It’s—
The gigantic floating head of the apparition speaks out in a booming voice with each word punctuated with a burst of flame from the cauldrons.
Stalin: BEHOLD!!! I AM STALIN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!!!
Rommel\ Guderian\ Von Kluge: Shit…